Robin Hood's Bay, near Whitby.
Triangle, near Halifax.
Penistone, near Barnsley.
Jump, near Barnsley.
Wham, Yorkshire Dales.
Land of Nod, East Riding.
Land of Green Ginger, near Hull [Kingston-upon-Hull] city centre.
Kettlesing Bottom, near Harrogate.

RIDING A NIGHTMARE

Your lips open to my hands
You trouble me each morning
You have a voice when I'm asleep.

In furthest jurisdiction;
At the water's edge
Uncertainty
Bathes in the shadows.

(Chimera, number three)

I lost my broadband service last night due to my server being down. I don't know anything about the technicalities, but it involved my making several long and complicated calls to a help line number. After four months online now this is the first problem I've had, so I can't really complain, can I? I've now noticed though that the administrators of the site have supposedly sent me a confirmation email that I haven't received yet. I wonder if it relates to my brief loss of broadband service; but then, how would they know?

Following on from an earlier list of Yorkshire toponyms I thought I'd now expand it to include the rest of northern England.

Manchester tart
Eccles cake
Lancashire cheese
Cheshire cheese
Kendal mint cake

These, the only ones I can think of, are obviously all food items.

Most of my Google alerts for Doncaster seem to be on the following subjects;

Doncaster Rovers Football Club
Train services and railway engineering
Doncaster, Victoria, Australia

I'm not particularly interested in any of them.

WALKING HOME

Evening rush hour;
More buses entering town
Than leaving.

I was in the frozen food shop this morning looking in the cakes section when my attention was naturally drawn towards a box with the words 'slagroom taarte' written on it. Immediately I Anglicised it to 'slag room tart' and all sorts of interesting images came to mind.

I recognised the language as Dutch and picked up the box expecting to find an English translation somewhere, but unusually, there wasn't one. I had to check on the net when I got home; the English tranlation is 'whipped cream tart', still an interesting enough phrase.

I always find it ironic that in English we use the phrase 'speaking Double Dutch' to describe the act of someone speaking an unintelligible language, when Dutch itself (after the Frisian dialects) is the second most similar language to our own. Of course, the origin of this phrase has a distant historical cause; something to do with the two countries' common maritime history and rivalry I should think.

I've finally got my webcam (and microphone) installed, and it wasn't easy. My friend had to do it because I haven't got a clue. I'm still having a few problems with it, so it might require a follow-up visit. I have had it working though, and it's a lot more convenient than typing.

GENERATIONS

Miles pass out here;
Rust-dead rockets
All pointing
In the same direction.

SO FAR

Placed just out of reach
On his desk:
Effigies of all his enemies,
Past, present and future.

...happened yesterday. The telephone rang and when I picked up the receiver, it continued ringing. I've never had this happen before. No connection was made, but the next time someone called it was fine...an employee at an Indian call centre trying to sell me some financial service that I neither need nor want.

RECYCLING POLICY

Death in a few words
Carved into fine marble.

During the afterlife
The grass cut
Twice a month.

-----

MNEMONIC
ON CHANGING THE CLOCKS

Spring forward,
Fall back.

What's the point?
Just stay where you are
And hand me
The remote control.

----

TRANSATLANTIC FORECAST

A red squirrel today,
A grey squirrel tomorrow:
And rain, all day,
Every day for the rest
Of the bleeding week.
-----

SYSTEMATIC

Snow falling outside:
On a desk in the study
Coffee in a tea cup
And a library book
Recently overdue.

£10 on the Premium Bonds
Poetry competition (no prize money)
A pot plant in a raffle

I rarely enter competitions or raffles though.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Even in the
South East,
Satellite dishes
Point towards
The south east.

CIVIS ROMANVS SVM

When in Rome
Do as the Romans do;
One and one
Makes eleven.

COMMERCIAL DECISION

In the shops
The January sales
Didn't start
Until December
Last year.

CIVILISATION

Civilisation
Began with
The first
Archaeologists.

STRAIGHT RULE

The shortest
Distance between
Two points is
Always an argument.

WE ARE NOT ALONE

They strip naked,
Stand in a circle
And wait;
For three thousand years.

Furthest point I've travelled in all four directions.

North...Edinburgh, Scotland: I wasn't too impressed at the time (aged 13).

South...Cambrils, south of Barcelona; which is probably my favourite city that I've visited.

East...somewhere east of Salzburg: a beautiful baroque city.

West...only as far as Plymouth or Tenby (maybe I should check an atlas).

Pine needles
Tar/bitumen
The smell of newly purchased electrical appliances

NEW LEAF
No clever verse
For this submission;
Only the sting of
Leather on naked flesh.

ADMIT IT
I touch you sometimes
A few seconds out of synch
With the rest of the world.

Passing you in the street;
The solutions to crossword puzzles
Written on your face.
Later, when switching channels,
Behind closed curtains
They don't see what I see.

ENIGMA
Last night
I put on my
New pair of shoes
To walk to the bin
To dump my old pair.

INDIVIDUAL REJECTION SLIP
The postman always looks back.
All the bricks are falling down.
The reviewer is puzzled by my biography.

...and it's not even all that cold; but it has been snowing in other parts of the country: not a lot though, just a few inches. However, civil society seems to be grinding to a halt again; no public transport running, schools closed and mail not being delivered.

It's pathetic; there's just no other word for it. I'm appalled.

HEADACHE

War is always noisy,
But peace only speaks
When it's spoken to.

Do I need to say any more?

REPRESENTATIVE OF THE PEOPLE

A speck of dust,
A single word,
A spacecraft
Orbiting my heart.

At warped speed
Sufficing malice;
A hole punched
In the doctor's chart.

I'm very good at writing formal letters; persuasive letters in particular. During the last three years I've successfully applied for a £500 poetry bursary and a £300 furniture grant from the council.

It's a pity that I can't use this skill in the work place environment. Of course, I was able to raise tens of thousands of Pounds for charity when I was doing voluntary work by writing effective funding bids.

SORE THROAT

The settle just beginning
With an extra ice-cream
And an empty seat.

With views of the high street,
The flavour of lipstick matched
And still water delivered
By the Fire Brigade.

A flimsy hairstyle
Inside and out,
The last unaided
Deep sleep bout.

---

OUR TIME?

As the world spins and orbits:

Standing here
Holding hands
And looking deep
Into each other's eyes.

---

SPRING BLOSSOM

First, the bath,
And then the
Shampoo and conditioner;
And finally, the rinse.

Because I don't have a job or a relationship or any family ties or commitments, most people think I am totally free, without a care in the world. This is not how I want to live my life though: certainly I've got a lot of free time, but I'm not free,if freedom is the same as having a choice about my life and its progression and outcomes.

When I get up in the morning there's no-one in bed next to me so I don't have the option to choose how to behave towards that person; to be nice or petty, tell her I love her or decide if I want us to split up and never see her again. Since I'm unemployed I can't decide to phone in sick for work, be pleasant to my boss and colleagues or behave like a total pratt and get sacked. I can't resign or try for promotion.

So, what is freedom?

Radio Times
National Geographic
The Geographical Magazine
Newsweek
Time Magazine
Fortean Times

SERVICE

His dash-board was empty
So he came to a full-stop
Just short of the secondhand garage.

On his car radio
It was free airtime
For his well punctuated
Tyres and tested.

---

BODY LANGUAGE

Speaking on the telephone
She wasn't sure whether
He'd breathed merely a colon
Or extended her a full-stop.

Science Extrapolation
Languages of the World
Local TV News and Features for Yorkshire
Geopolitics
Dissenting Opinions
Military History
Forteana

NEW LEAF
No clever verse
For this submission;
Only the sting of
Leather on naked flesh.

ADMIT IT
I touch you sometimes
A few seconds out of synch
With the rest of the world.

Passing you in the street;
The solutions to crossword puzzles
Written on your face.
Later, when switching channels,
Behind closed curtains
They don't see what I see.

ENIGMA
Last night
I put on my
New pair of shoes
To walk to the bin
To dump my old pair.

INDIVIDUAL REJECTION SLIP
The postman always looks back.
All the bricks are falling down.
The reviewer is puzzled by my biography.

.

I've just been checking my emails and found ninety nine junk emails in my inbox; apparently all from the same source. Messages inviting me to 'confirm' my 'registration' details. Each one of them probably with something nasty lurking in an attachment. Of course, I declined the opportunity to open the attachment; instead I just had to individually tick the box to delete each one. I wonder if there's an easier way of deleting the entire contents of my junk email inbox from my Hotmail account.

PICKLE

It's raining again:
It appears my parasol
Is getting wet.

HABIT

I come here
Nearly every day;
Sometimes
The spinning
Of the Earth
Makes me dizzy.

CARESS

Last night
I washed
My hands
In your hair,
Moonlight
Lathering
Like soap.

When I was a Poll Tax rebel I lived in Thurnscoe, a pit village with a Rotherham postal address and telephone number, yet I had to pay my bill to Barnsley Metropolitan Borough Council. I objected to this, claiming that I lived in Rotherham and would only pay my Poll Tax to Rotherham, and refused to respond to all the bills sent from Barnsley. Naturally I was prosecuted and had to appear in court. However, because of the unique nature of my case I applied for political asylum to a foreign power claiming political persecution by representatives of Her Majesty's Government. Apparently (I found this out somewhat later) the local consul from the country concerned demanded written confirmation that I would not be jailed; otherwise I would have become the first UK citizen to successfully claim political asylum.

When I was licensee for Dearne Radio I was subject to the provisions of the Treason Act which had the ultimate sanction of capital punishment at the time.

Because of an administrative error, for ten years I was a Hong Kong registered UK Overseas Citizen; even though I've never been there and have no family connections with the former colony.

I was briefly the leader of a local political party which I founded. We didn't get any councillors elected though.

Not surprisingly, on two occasions my photograph and an accompanying article have appeared on the front page of the local newspaper.

Natural Born Killers - very confusing and an untidy mess.

Reservoir Dogs - just boring.

K-PAX - Excellent; covering the areas of sci-fi, religion, mental illness and society and the individual. Very humorous and asks all the right questions.

WASHROOM

Next to the mirror:
A break-glass hammer
For emergency use only.

----------------------------------

COSMETIC SURGERY

Last week you had a nose job
But then you blew it
And I ejaculated.

CAVEAT EMPTOR

The small print
Gets smaller
And smaller;
And then you die.

Yes...apple pie with cheese; no...apple pie with custard.

Yes...weetabix with butter; no...weetabix with milk.

SPILLAGE

Autumn tea dance:
Outside, on the terrace
The moon cast
In an empty cup.

SOMETIMES

In the bingo hall;
All the players
Facing towards Mecca.

Employment training or placements I've been sent on by the Jobcentre.

Recently, working for the boating and education charity at Thorne. I learned enough about computers for me to get started on the internet and passed my basic boating qualifications.

Community Programme 1986-87. Mobile Information Auxiliary with Doncaster Metropolitan Borough Council. Based in a caravan which was towed to various venues. In the winter it was too cold and the fumes from the gas heater were unpleasant, so we were transferred to a youth club and spent most of the time playing pool.

A personal development programme at Rotherham with a week of outward-bound activities in the Peak District. I really enjoyed this.

So, the government is thinking of raising the retirement age to sixty seven and compelling people to save more for their old age. Don't they realise how little some people are earning?

Planning for my pension provision is something I don't have to worry about; although the basic state pension in this country is low, it's still significantly higher than Jobseeker's Allowance.

Listening to international short wave radio stations (superseded by internet radio).

Hiking on the moors (no available transport, and my knees probably aren't up to it any more).

Watching non-league football (I can no longer afford the cost).

IDENTITY PARADE

The days lined up
In the sportshall;
Hot to cold,
Good to bad.

As I remember
From school,
Bank holidays
Would never be picked
For this team.

Learnt to drive.

Got married (or even engaged).

Had children.

Been employed.

Fallen in love (or even have anyone say "I love you" to me).

Travelled in an aeroplane.

BILINGUAL FORMS

Walking down the stairs
From the third floor
After signing on
I'm humming a tune…
It could be 'Men of Harlech'
Or it could be 'Bread of Heaven'.

I am not Welsh.

Age 2: Broken left thigh - slipped on wet oilcloth in kitchen.

Age 12: Severe bruising and lacerations to two fingers on left hand - repairing younger sister's bike as she decided to attempt to ride it.

Age 13: Cycle crash - several teeth lost.

Age 25: Fall whilst hiking - twisted and sprained left ankle.

Fortunately, nothing too serious or pernanent.

RETURN TRIP

She gets off
With half a dozen
Other people
As I pass her
Walking home
In the opposite direction.

I notice her
As she doesn't notice me;
A few yards later
Jangling keys in my pocket
I start reading
The road signs all over again.

I've noticed that quite a few bloggers regularly change their banners and profile photos. I don't really know why people need to do this, maybe it's something about human nature that I don't understand; this constant need for variety and change. Mind you, it's not really an option for me; I've only got five pictures to upload, and they're all pretty similar.

LOST AND FOUND

A few minutes' quiet reflection
At the graveside of a close friend
On the first anniversary of her suicide.

Two other absent friends
Share a birthday today,
They'll both be drunk tonight
But won't know why.

Two other friends
Celebrate their birthdays
Later this week.

- Sometimes, it's so difficult
Just thinking of the words
To write on a card.

In Parliament MPs have recently been debating allowing 24 hours drinking in bars and pubs. Personally, I believe that in the long run relaxing the UK licensing laws would help in reducing the problem of binge drinking and drunken violence on the streets. Of course it will be pretty pointless unless we have 24 hour public transport services...and that will never happen.

1...The electric heater in my living room is rattling a lot.

2...My cooker (or maybe my kitchen floor) isn't quite level and so I can't fill pans too near to full.

3...The smoke alarms in the hallway and on the landing are far too sensitive and will go off if I just even open the kitchen door whilst cooking.

HAIKU

coffee in a paper cup,
reading a library book online

HAIKU

late for work again,
needing an excuse
- the Town Hall clock
framed by scaffolding

HAIKU

illicit tryst:
pillow talk echoing
around the room

Since I moved to Doncaster the price of the cheapest tin of baked beans has increased from 7p to 16p, the cost of electricity has recently increased by 11% and bus fares have gone up on four separate occasions just this year. Yet, inflation is supposedly only 2.3%: if you're on a low, fixed income it isn't though.

MAINLINE BLUES

Rooftop cranes strain for the juiciest clouds;
I hear a train, not stopping, just passing.

Northbound and southbound
Either direction, sunshine or showers,
Stopping at all stations.

In both London and Edinburgh
An hour barters sixty minutes
And the distribution of bargains
Has no beginning nor end.

I have an interest in both language and maps and so thought I'd combine the two by thinking of a list of Yorkshire toponyms used in English.

Yorkshire pudding
Scarborough warning
York stone
Barnsley chop
Bramley apples
Pomfret/Pontefract cakes
Yorkshire terrier
Whitby jet
Wensleydale (cheese)

COMPUTER CLASS

I inherited
My father's watch,
It's now nearly
Thirty years
Since the factory closed.

COLD CALL

Dark figures blocking the stairs
Straightening for their call
Backstage and muscle moved.

Rhythms creeping under doors
Marching to a tight applause;
Heads at rest in easy lines.

Well, a bit of drama yesterday afternoon; we had an armed police raid on the house of a suspected Islamic terrorist living in a neighbouring street.

I was returning home after signing on at the DSS and was stopped by an officer and asked to confirm my identity and account for my movements.

I watched the local TV news reports last night and there was no mention of the incident; I've been told a similar thing happened in Wakefield a few weeks ago and that wasn't reported either. I tried typing the relevant words into internet search engines, but couldn't find any mention of it.

I went to the cash dispenser this morning wanting to withdraw £10 from my account. Instead I ended up withdrawing £30 because I pressed the wrong button by mistake. I'm over six foot tall and the line of sight angle means that the buttons don't properly align with the instructions on the screen. What I can't understand though is; why isn't it the £20 button that's positioned next to the £10 button in order to minimise any mistakes?

I haven't needed to visit the library.

I watch a lot less TV.

I'm now regularly in contact with a few more people.

I need to buy a new, more comfortable chair for when I'm using the computer.

GOD FORSAKEN

The pot calling the kettle black,
Rain falling onto a rubbish-scared street.

Down backbroken alleyways
An evangelical congregation of bins
To be emptied in the morning.

In the minutes between hours
Cats alliterate on the most
Precocious of fences.

Touché. Ole. Always and forever.