Posts archive for: November, 2005
  • Some interesting/amusing Yorkshire place names.

    Robin Hood's Bay, near Whitby.
    Triangle, near Halifax.
    Penistone, near Barnsley.
    Jump, near Barnsley.
    Wham, Yorkshire Dales.
    Land of Nod, East Riding.
    Land of Green Ginger, near Hull [Kingston-upon-Hull] city centre.
    Kettlesing Bottom, near Harrogate.

    RIDING A NIGHTMARE

    Your lips open to my hands
    You trouble me each morning
    You have a voice when I'm asleep.

    In furthest jurisdiction;
    At the water's edge
    Uncertainty
    Bathes in the shadows.

    (Chimera, number three)

  • Server Down

    I lost my broadband service last night due to my server being down. I don't know anything about the technicalities, but it involved my making several long and complicated calls to a help line number. After four months online now this is the first problem I've had, so I can't really complain, can I? I've now noticed though that the administrators of the site have supposedly sent me a confirmation email that I haven't received yet. I wonder if it relates to my brief loss of broadband service; but then, how would they know?

  • More toponyms

    Following on from an earlier list of Yorkshire toponyms I thought I'd now expand it to include the rest of northern England.

    Manchester tart
    Eccles cake
    Lancashire cheese
    Cheshire cheese
    Kendal mint cake

    These, the only ones I can think of, are obviously all food items.

  • Google Alerts

    Most of my Google alerts for Doncaster seem to be on the following subjects;

    Doncaster Rovers Football Club
    Train services and railway engineering
    Doncaster, Victoria, Australia

    I'm not particularly interested in any of them.

    WALKING HOME

    Evening rush hour;
    More buses entering town
    Than leaving.

  • Double Dutch

    I was in the frozen food shop this morning looking in the cakes section when my attention was naturally drawn towards a box with the words 'slagroom taarte' written on it. Immediately I Anglicised it to 'slag room tart' and all sorts of interesting images came to mind.

    I recognised the language as Dutch and picked up the box expecting to find an English translation somewhere, but unusually, there wasn't one. I had to check on the net when I got home; the English tranlation is 'whipped cream tart', still an interesting enough phrase.

    I always find it ironic that in English we use the phrase 'speaking Double Dutch' to describe the act of someone speaking an unintelligible language, when Dutch itself (after the Frisian dialects) is the second most similar language to our own. Of course, the origin of this phrase has a distant historical cause; something to do with the two countries' common maritime history and rivalry I should think.

  • Webcam installed.

    I've finally got my webcam (and microphone) installed, and it wasn't easy. My friend had to do it because I haven't got a clue. I'm still having a few problems with it, so it might require a follow-up visit. I have had it working though, and it's a lot more convenient than typing.

    GENERATIONS

    Miles pass out here;
    Rust-dead rockets
    All pointing
    In the same direction.

    SO FAR

    Placed just out of reach
    On his desk:
    Effigies of all his enemies,
    Past, present and future.

  • The strangest thing...

    ...happened yesterday. The telephone rang and when I picked up the receiver, it continued ringing. I've never had this happen before. No connection was made, but the next time someone called it was fine...an employee at an Indian call centre trying to sell me some financial service that I neither need nor want.

    RECYCLING POLICY

    Death in a few words
    Carved into fine marble.

    During the afterlife
    The grass cut
    Twice a month.

    -----

    MNEMONIC
    ON CHANGING THE CLOCKS

    Spring forward,
    Fall back.

    What's the point?
    Just stay where you are
    And hand me
    The remote control.

    ----

    TRANSATLANTIC FORECAST

    A red squirrel today,
    A grey squirrel tomorrow:
    And rain, all day,
    Every day for the rest
    Of the bleeding week.
    -----

    SYSTEMATIC

    Snow falling outside:
    On a desk in the study
    Coffee in a tea cup
    And a library book
    Recently overdue.

  • Things I can remember winning.

    £10 on the Premium Bonds
    Poetry competition (no prize money)
    A pot plant in a raffle

    I rarely enter competitions or raffles though.

    SIGN OF THE TIMES

    Even in the
    South East,
    Satellite dishes
    Point towards
    The south east.

    CIVIS ROMANVS SVM

    When in Rome
    Do as the Romans do;
    One and one
    Makes eleven.

    COMMERCIAL DECISION

    In the shops
    The January sales
    Didn't start
    Until December
    Last year.

    CIVILISATION

    Civilisation
    Began with
    The first
    Archaeologists.

    STRAIGHT RULE

    The shortest
    Distance between
    Two points is
    Always an argument.

    WE ARE NOT ALONE

    They strip naked,
    Stand in a circle
    And wait;
    For three thousand years.

  • Compass Points.

    Furthest point I've travelled in all four directions.

    North...Edinburgh, Scotland: I wasn't too impressed at the time (aged 13).

    South...Cambrils, south of Barcelona; which is probably my favourite city that I've visited.

    East...somewhere east of Salzburg: a beautiful baroque city.

    West...only as far as Plymouth or Tenby (maybe I should check an atlas).

  • Some smells/aromas that I find pleasant (which aren't food)

    Pine needles
    Tar/bitumen
    The smell of newly purchased electrical appliances

    NEW LEAF
    No clever verse
    For this submission;
    Only the sting of
    Leather on naked flesh.

    ADMIT IT
    I touch you sometimes
    A few seconds out of synch
    With the rest of the world.

    Passing you in the street;
    The solutions to crossword puzzles
    Written on your face.
    Later, when switching channels,
    Behind closed curtains
    They don't see what I see.

    ENIGMA
    Last night
    I put on my
    New pair of shoes
    To walk to the bin
    To dump my old pair.

    INDIVIDUAL REJECTION SLIP
    The postman always looks back.
    All the bricks are falling down.
    The reviewer is puzzled by my biography.

  • There's no snow in Doncaster...

    ...and it's not even all that cold; but it has been snowing in other parts of the country: not a lot though, just a few inches. However, civil society seems to be grinding to a halt again; no public transport running, schools closed and mail not being delivered.

    It's pathetic; there's just no other word for it. I'm appalled.

    HEADACHE

    War is always noisy,
    But peace only speaks
    When it's spoken to.

    Do I need to say any more?

    REPRESENTATIVE OF THE PEOPLE

    A speck of dust,
    A single word,
    A spacecraft
    Orbiting my heart.

    At warped speed
    Sufficing malice;
    A hole punched
    In the doctor's chart.

  • A Particular Talent

    I'm very good at writing formal letters; persuasive letters in particular. During the last three years I've successfully applied for a £500 poetry bursary and a £300 furniture grant from the council.

    It's a pity that I can't use this skill in the work place environment. Of course, I was able to raise tens of thousands of Pounds for charity when I was doing voluntary work by writing effective funding bids.

    SORE THROAT

    The settle just beginning
    With an extra ice-cream
    And an empty seat.

    With views of the high street,
    The flavour of lipstick matched
    And still water delivered
    By the Fire Brigade.

    A flimsy hairstyle
    Inside and out,
    The last unaided
    Deep sleep bout.

    ---

    OUR TIME?

    As the world spins and orbits:

    Standing here
    Holding hands
    And looking deep
    Into each other's eyes.

    ---

    SPRING BLOSSOM

    First, the bath,
    And then the
    Shampoo and conditioner;
    And finally, the rinse.

  • What is freedom?

    Because I don't have a job or a relationship or any family ties or commitments, most people think I am totally free, without a care in the world. This is not how I want to live my life though: certainly I've got a lot of free time, but I'm not free,if freedom is the same as having a choice about my life and its progression and outcomes.

    When I get up in the morning there's no-one in bed next to me so I don't have the option to choose how to behave towards that person; to be nice or petty, tell her I love her or decide if I want us to split up and never see her again. Since I'm unemployed I can't decide to phone in sick for work, be pleasant to my boss and colleagues or behave like a total pratt and get sacked. I can't resign or try for promotion.

    So, what is freedom?

  • Magazines I can recall subscribing to, or regularly purchasing.

    Radio Times
    National Geographic
    The Geographical Magazine
    Newsweek
    Time Magazine
    Fortean Times

    SERVICE

    His dash-board was empty
    So he came to a full-stop
    Just short of the secondhand garage.

    On his car radio
    It was free airtime
    For his well punctuated
    Tyres and tested.

    ---

    BODY LANGUAGE

    Speaking on the telephone
    She wasn't sure whether
    He'd breathed merely a colon
    Or extended her a full-stop.

  • Subject areas that would be covered on my individual, personalised TV channel

    Science Extrapolation
    Languages of the World
    Local TV News and Features for Yorkshire
    Geopolitics
    Dissenting Opinions
    Military History
    Forteana

    NEW LEAF
    No clever verse
    For this submission;
    Only the sting of
    Leather on naked flesh.

    ADMIT IT
    I touch you sometimes
    A few seconds out of synch
    With the rest of the world.

    Passing you in the street;
    The solutions to crossword puzzles
    Written on your face.
    Later, when switching channels,
    Behind closed curtains
    They don't see what I see.

    ENIGMA
    Last night
    I put on my
    New pair of shoes
    To walk to the bin
    To dump my old pair.

    INDIVIDUAL REJECTION SLIP
    The postman always looks back.
    All the bricks are falling down.
    The reviewer is puzzled by my biography.

    .

  • Why do they bother?

    I've just been checking my emails and found ninety nine junk emails in my inbox; apparently all from the same source. Messages inviting me to 'confirm' my 'registration' details. Each one of them probably with something nasty lurking in an attachment. Of course, I declined the opportunity to open the attachment; instead I just had to individually tick the box to delete each one. I wonder if there's an easier way of deleting the entire contents of my junk email inbox from my Hotmail account.

    PICKLE

    It's raining again:
    It appears my parasol
    Is getting wet.

    HABIT

    I come here
    Nearly every day;
    Sometimes
    The spinning
    Of the Earth
    Makes me dizzy.

    CARESS

    Last night
    I washed
    My hands
    In your hair,
    Moonlight
    Lathering
    Like soap.

  • Some details about my life.

    When I was a Poll Tax rebel I lived in Thurnscoe, a pit village with a Rotherham postal address and telephone number, yet I had to pay my bill to Barnsley Metropolitan Borough Council. I objected to this, claiming that I lived in Rotherham and would only pay my Poll Tax to Rotherham, and refused to respond to all the bills sent from Barnsley. Naturally I was prosecuted and had to appear in court. However, because of the unique nature of my case I applied for political asylum to a foreign power claiming political persecution by representatives of Her Majesty's Government. Apparently (I found this out somewhat later) the local consul from the country concerned demanded written confirmation that I would not be jailed; otherwise I would have become the first UK citizen to successfully claim political asylum.

    When I was licensee for Dearne Radio I was subject to the provisions of the Treason Act which had the ultimate sanction of capital punishment at the time.

    Because of an administrative error, for ten years I was a Hong Kong registered UK Overseas Citizen; even though I've never been there and have no family connections with the former colony.

    I was briefly the leader of a local political party which I founded. We didn't get any councillors elected though.

    Not surprisingly, on two occasions my photograph and an accompanying article have appeared on the front page of the local newspaper.

  • Recent films I've watched on video.

    Natural Born Killers - very confusing and an untidy mess.

    Reservoir Dogs - just boring.

    K-PAX - Excellent; covering the areas of sci-fi, religion, mental illness and society and the individual. Very humorous and asks all the right questions.

    WASHROOM

    Next to the mirror:
    A break-glass hammer
    For emergency use only.

    ----------------------------------

    COSMETIC SURGERY

    Last week you had a nose job
    But then you blew it
    And I ejaculated.

    CAVEAT EMPTOR

    The small print
    Gets smaller
    And smaller;
    And then you die.

  • Yes, or no?

    Yes...apple pie with cheese; no...apple pie with custard.

    Yes...weetabix with butter; no...weetabix with milk.

    SPILLAGE

    Autumn tea dance:
    Outside, on the terrace
    The moon cast
    In an empty cup.

    SOMETIMES

    In the bingo hall;
    All the players
    Facing towards Mecca.

  • Just Following Instructions

    Employment training or placements I've been sent on by the Jobcentre.

    Recently, working for the boating and education charity at Thorne. I learned enough about computers for me to get started on the internet and passed my basic boating qualifications.

    Community Programme 1986-87. Mobile Information Auxiliary with Doncaster Metropolitan Borough Council. Based in a caravan which was towed to various venues. In the winter it was too cold and the fumes from the gas heater were unpleasant, so we were transferred to a youth club and spent most of the time playing pool.

    A personal development programme at Rotherham with a week of outward-bound activities in the Peak District. I really enjoyed this.

  • Future Imperfect

    So, the government is thinking of raising the retirement age to sixty seven and compelling people to save more for their old age. Don't they realise how little some people are earning?

    Planning for my pension provision is something I don't have to worry about; although the basic state pension in this country is low, it's still significantly higher than Jobseeker's Allowance.

  • Past hobbies and interests

    Listening to international short wave radio stations (superseded by internet radio).

    Hiking on the moors (no available transport, and my knees probably aren't up to it any more).

    Watching non-league football (I can no longer afford the cost).

    IDENTITY PARADE

    The days lined up
    In the sportshall;
    Hot to cold,
    Good to bad.

    As I remember
    From school,
    Bank holidays
    Would never be picked
    For this team.

  • Things I've Never Done

    Learnt to drive.

    Got married (or even engaged).

    Had children.

    Been employed.

    Fallen in love (or even have anyone say "I love you" to me).

    Travelled in an aeroplane.

    BILINGUAL FORMS

    Walking down the stairs
    From the third floor
    After signing on
    I'm humming a tune…
    It could be 'Men of Harlech'
    Or it could be 'Bread of Heaven'.

    I am not Welsh.

  • Injuries I've Suffered

    Age 2: Broken left thigh - slipped on wet oilcloth in kitchen.

    Age 12: Severe bruising and lacerations to two fingers on left hand - repairing younger sister's bike as she decided to attempt to ride it.

    Age 13: Cycle crash - several teeth lost.

    Age 25: Fall whilst hiking - twisted and sprained left ankle.

    Fortunately, nothing too serious or pernanent.

    RETURN TRIP

    She gets off
    With half a dozen
    Other people
    As I pass her
    Walking home
    In the opposite direction.

    I notice her
    As she doesn't notice me;
    A few yards later
    Jangling keys in my pocket
    I start reading
    The road signs all over again.

  • Smile Please.

    I've noticed that quite a few bloggers regularly change their banners and profile photos. I don't really know why people need to do this, maybe it's something about human nature that I don't understand; this constant need for variety and change. Mind you, it's not really an option for me; I've only got five pictures to upload, and they're all pretty similar.

    LOST AND FOUND

    A few minutes' quiet reflection
    At the graveside of a close friend
    On the first anniversary of her suicide.

    Two other absent friends
    Share a birthday today,
    They'll both be drunk tonight
    But won't know why.

    Two other friends
    Celebrate their birthdays
    Later this week.

    - Sometimes, it's so difficult
    Just thinking of the words
    To write on a card.

  • Everything in moderation

    In Parliament MPs have recently been debating allowing 24 hours drinking in bars and pubs. Personally, I believe that in the long run relaxing the UK licensing laws would help in reducing the problem of binge drinking and drunken violence on the streets. Of course it will be pretty pointless unless we have 24 hour public transport services...and that will never happen.

  • Household appliances which are annoying me at the moment

    1...The electric heater in my living room is rattling a lot.

    2...My cooker (or maybe my kitchen floor) isn't quite level and so I can't fill pans too near to full.

    3...The smoke alarms in the hallway and on the landing are far too sensitive and will go off if I just even open the kitchen door whilst cooking.

    HAIKU

    coffee in a paper cup,
    reading a library book online

    HAIKU

    late for work again,
    needing an excuse
    - the Town Hall clock
    framed by scaffolding

    HAIKU

    illicit tryst:
    pillow talk echoing
    around the room

  • Lies, damned lies, and statistics

    Since I moved to Doncaster the price of the cheapest tin of baked beans has increased from 7p to 16p, the cost of electricity has recently increased by 11% and bus fares have gone up on four separate occasions just this year. Yet, inflation is supposedly only 2.3%: if you're on a low, fixed income it isn't though.

    MAINLINE BLUES

    Rooftop cranes strain for the juiciest clouds;
    I hear a train, not stopping, just passing.

    Northbound and southbound
    Either direction, sunshine or showers,
    Stopping at all stations.

    In both London and Edinburgh
    An hour barters sixty minutes
    And the distribution of bargains
    Has no beginning nor end.

  • Mind your language

    I have an interest in both language and maps and so thought I'd combine the two by thinking of a list of Yorkshire toponyms used in English.

    Yorkshire pudding
    Scarborough warning
    York stone
    Barnsley chop
    Bramley apples
    Pomfret/Pontefract cakes
    Yorkshire terrier
    Whitby jet
    Wensleydale (cheese)

    COMPUTER CLASS

    I inherited
    My father's watch,
    It's now nearly
    Thirty years
    Since the factory closed.

    COLD CALL

    Dark figures blocking the stairs
    Straightening for their call
    Backstage and muscle moved.

    Rhythms creeping under doors
    Marching to a tight applause;
    Heads at rest in easy lines.

  • No news is...

    Well, a bit of drama yesterday afternoon; we had an armed police raid on the house of a suspected Islamic terrorist living in a neighbouring street.

    I was returning home after signing on at the DSS and was stopped by an officer and asked to confirm my identity and account for my movements.

    I watched the local TV news reports last night and there was no mention of the incident; I've been told a similar thing happened in Wakefield a few weeks ago and that wasn't reported either. I tried typing the relevant words into internet search engines, but couldn't find any mention of it.

  • Tall Story

    I went to the cash dispenser this morning wanting to withdraw £10 from my account. Instead I ended up withdrawing £30 because I pressed the wrong button by mistake. I'm over six foot tall and the line of sight angle means that the buttons don't properly align with the instructions on the screen. What I can't understand though is; why isn't it the £20 button that's positioned next to the £10 button in order to minimise any mistakes?

  • Ways in which my life has changed since going online.

    I haven't needed to visit the library.

    I watch a lot less TV.

    I'm now regularly in contact with a few more people.

    I need to buy a new, more comfortable chair for when I'm using the computer.

    GOD FORSAKEN

    The pot calling the kettle black,
    Rain falling onto a rubbish-scared street.

    Down backbroken alleyways
    An evangelical congregation of bins
    To be emptied in the morning.

    In the minutes between hours
    Cats alliterate on the most
    Precocious of fences.

    Touché. Ole. Always and forever.

  • Thou Shalt Not

    The government is looking at relaxing the Sunday Trading Laws again. About time too I say; in fact I'd like to see them totally abolished. You can't impose religion on people and shouldn't even be trying to. Nobody should be compelled to work on a Sunday, but why not let the rest of us get on with working or shopping?

    CHANNEL HOPPING

    For some of us
    Every day is black and white,
    - The licence fee is much cheaper.

    I walk past the shop
    Of the T.V. repairman
    Who will colour disenable your set
    And give you back the diode he's removed
    And place a sticker on the set in a prominent position.

    Searching for a better reception
    Of the world's events
    With an old friend:
    - Tea and sympathy
    On every channel.

  • Can you believe it?

    I was watching an Inspector Morse DVD at a friend's house last night when Lewis commented to Morse that the leading female character had served a one year's probation for being drunk and disorderly as a teenager. I then immediately remarked that in the film we had watched earlier the main female character had also served a year's probation for the very same reason.

    At this moment my friend got up and went to the hallway to collect the cordless phone in order to make a call to Sharon, a mutual friend. As he was halfway through the process of dialling her number, his mobile rang. It was Sharon. Merely a coincidence?

  • Blooming Best

    It's the middle of November and we still haven't had any frost yet. In my garden the marigolds, hollyhocks and fuchsia are still in bloom and my bulbs are all sprouting to quite a height; no buds yet though. I'm also busy indoors with the fly spray; hopefully the first cold snap will kill off the insects.

    LANGUAGE CLASS

    I'm not really sure
    Which of my neighbours
    Is the nearest native
    Speaker of English.

    One fact not lost in any translation:
    - We've all got back gardens
    Yet none of us understands Latin.

  • Well, I never.

    Terms/concepts I have recently encountered whilst surfing the web...you might like to have a guess as to their meaning.

    anal bleaching
    chess boxing
    tag cloud

    THERE ARE DAYS

    Standing in front
    You cannot say;
    Grey clouds litter
    The cluttered floor.

    At the front door
    An aeroplane fleas overheard:
    You look down at me,
    As I stand in front of you
    A child lets go.

    HAIKU

    hanging on the horizon
    crowing bloody fingertips
    Luna, the best of the dawn

  • Subjects in which I have no interest whatsoever.

    Clothes and fashion
    Home decoration & D.I.Y.
    Children
    Cars

    ORDER OF SERVICE

    Naturally, Lincolnshire Road Car
    Buses run the service to Lincoln.

    Arriva Yorkshire buses go
    To Leeds and Selby
    (Change for York; exact change, please.)

    Yorkshire Traction serves
    Wakefield and Barnsley,
    And Sheffield and Rotherham
    Are reached using Mainline
    (Although it's much quicker by train.)

    There are also at least
    Three other bus operators
    In Doncaster that I can think of.

    Walking past the bus station
    I catch an untimetabled realisation;
    - All the staff working
    At the United Nations Headquarters
    In New York claim generous expenses.

    If they were to be re-located to Doncaster,
    Searching council estates and pit villages
    Looking for banned vowels
    And unexploded consonants,
    They'd each need a handful
    Of different bus passes.

  • Early Start

    The first Christmas decorations and lights have gone up in a shopping centre here in Doncaster. At my house there certainly won't be any seasonal decoration...just a few cards on the mantelpiece.

    EACH DAY

    another iris
    over a silvered stream,
    long white scarves swirling

    plumbed down to bleached grass
    -I wish I could paint

    TWO HEMISPHERES

    Late September dawn
    I stand in the calm
    Clothed in autumn's pale ghost
    Shades of past years returning.

  • Hello: How are you?

    I've recently been in contact with an old school friend who somehow managed to trace me online. We've now started Instant Messaging and I've discovered that he's already on his third marriage and is permanently disabled with angina.

    This is an example of me utilising the internet in a positive way and I feel good about it.

    CUT TO THE CHASE

    Middle-aged, middle-of-the-road women wearing clipboards;
    A younger woman and an older man touting for custom.
    "Have you had an accident recently that wasn't your fault?"

    - No win. No fee. -

    No-one notices as I bend down
    And pick up a dropped penny.

  • Regular Appointment

    I visited the cemetery yesterday with a couple of friends; we were visiting the grave of a close mutual friend who committed suicide exactly two years ago.

    Personally, I really miss her, she was very good at introducing me to new people and ideas, things that I'm not very good at on my own.

    LONG WAY HOME

    In a delta dump
    Of nanoseconds
    Clear of stellar dust
    In the pull of our ship
    The gravity winds of Saturn
    A spilled background
    To your latest painting.

    WISHING WELL

    Take this clock;
    Grab the hands
    -I didn't give a damn,
    Night and day
    Each curbed by your
    Bony fingers.

  • Ideas where I have changed my mind.

    1...I have realised that experience and social contacts will always prevail over academic or even vocational education and training.

    2...Parliamentary democracy has personally failed me and so I am open to persuasion as to alternative forms of government.

    3...Doing nothing and being lazy is much more difficult than being busy, stimulated, challenged or creative.

    4...Having and needing a job is not only about the money.

  • It's what I do, I suppose

    I've been rather busy for the last few days posting off my recently written poems to various magazines; it's cost me £4 in postage. I doubt if I'll get any responses before the new year, but I'm confident that quite a few will end up being published.

    HAIKU

    a few days off;
    when I think of the future
    I've already been there

    HAIKU

    missing you already,
    looking at the telephone
    and listening to the rain

    HAIKU

    in the old beach-house
    a family dinner
    served between tides

  • A Price For Everything

    Looking at some videos on the secondhand market this morning I noticed that quite a few that were being sold on one stall had originally been bought at a charity shop for 50p, even though they were now on sale for £1; no-one had even bothered to remove the old price labels.

    It's incidences like this that make me so despise capitalism and consumerism and everything they stand for. I suppose though if there were a place for me within Western mainstream democratic capitalism I wouldn't be quite so bitter.

  • New words I'd propose adding to the English language.

    studentile...behaving in a juvenile, student-like manner.

    hardcore...99% cocoa content chocolate.

    dramanetics...a way of using physical theatre techniques as a creative way to stay fit.

    Waiting

    Unemployment queue;
    Forty-two years old
    And still looking
    For my first job.

    Before it's even
    My turn to sign on
    Someone in front of me
    Seems to think
    That we might have
    Something in common.

    2:37 p.m.
    As he looks
    At the clock on the wall -
    I slowly check my watch.

  • Environmental Improvement Scheme

    My parents have recently purchased a de-humidifier and my mum reckons her health has really improved as a result (especially her breathing). Certainly the appliance removes several pints of water per day from the atmosphere.

    Personally speaking, I know that whenever the weather is humid and clammy I feel uncomfortable both when it's hot and when it's cold. Fortunately in England we rarely experience extremes of temperature.

  • Childhood Holidays

    Bed and breakfast stays in Blackpool and Scarborough.

    Staying in a cottage next to a farm in rural Lincolnshire - obviously very poor public transport links.

    A static caravan at Berwick-upon-Tweed; we left a day early because of the incessant rain.

    HAIKU

    November wind
    a mosaic of petals
    telling the story

    HAIKU

    by moonlight
    planting a single
    sunflower seed

    HAIKU

    evening kick-off,
    below zero -
    a second-half equaliser

    HAIKU

    statutory holiday
    following the printed guide
    across the battlefield

  • Every penny counts

    A new 'everything £1' shop opened in town this morning, directly opposite the existing 99p store. As far as I can discern they both seem to be stocking the same produce. Maybe there'll be enough trade for them both during the Christmas period.

    CIVIS ROMANVS SVM

    Among the huddled humpbacked terraces
    Of redbricked-up decayed decades;
    -My own little piece of England,
    Thirty foot by twelve footloose.

    French marigolds,
    (originating in the wild in Mexico)
    Pompom dahlias,
    (named after a Swedish botanist)
    And recently purchased tulip bulbs,
    (not necessarily from Amsterdam.)

    Stepping out of my front door
    Directly onto the street -
    Over my right shoulder;
    Even the sun is an immigrant.

  • Three of my childhood heroes

    Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire and England cricketer)
    -despised by many people, but born in the same town as myself...very professional attitude to his sport (or bloody-minded if you prefer).

    Rasputin (The Mad Monk)- 'lover of the Russian Queen'

    Thomas Malthus (eighteenth century economist/philosopher) who theorised that the increase in population will always outstrip the available resources.

    MARKET DAY

    Each fruit gathers in its own etymology
    From hand, to paper, to shopping bag.

    In Doncaster,
    Only two days of the week
    Aren't market days.

    All the stallholders
    Shout out the same prices;
    Ninety nine pence
    Is anathema.

    "Evening paper!
    Evening paper!"

    Bright afternoon sunshine,
    Even freshly baked gossip
    Can spill a headline.

  • Reasons why my life is a mess

    I can't drive (Eighty percent of the jobs that I'm capable of doing would require that I could drive.)

    I'm hopeless at reading body language and interpreting non-verbal communication.

    I've got poor inter-personal skills.

    I lack life experience in so many areas.

    KISS ME

    You thought me up;
    -I'm yours; congratulations!

    Second by second
    I am drying out.

    Please, do not
    Look into thr mirror
    And break the spell.

    WASH DAY

    Emerging from their soiled nights
    They have polished their solitudes.

    Later, they will light a single cigarette
    Or read a magazine.

    Glancing at the clock,
    The night reclaims them
    -One by one.

  • Two more lists

    Concepts or ideas I don't easily relate to or understand.

    compromise and negotiation
    individuality
    political correctness
    capitalism and consumerism
    religion
    secrecy
    laziness and indifference
    politics and democracy
    vanity

    Concepts or ideas I can easily relate to and understand.

    love and passion
    honour and duty
    enthusiasm
    group identity
    sense of purpose
    teamwork
    citizenship and responsibility
    family and friendship
    honesty
    personal discipline
    loyalty
    truth

  • It's not only Bonfire Night today.

    It's also the first day of the new hunting season. Because of the new legislation banning hunting with hounds we now have hunting with guns, and foxes also being trapped, gassed and poisoned. Of course, due to a large police presence at hunt gatherings up and down the country criminal activity is flourishing in our neighbourhoods.

    So, if I stay at home I'm more likely to be attacked and robbed, or if I go for a walk in the countryside I might be accidently shot by an inexperienced marksman. Thank you Mr. Blair!

  • Things I couldn't live without.

    My T.V.- I resent having to watch it sometimes, but when you have a limited social life you do need a bit of entertainment. I never decline an invitation though.

    Chocolate - my only addiction.

    Clock/watch - despite my circumstances (I'm unemployed) I'm obsessed with punctuality.

    My computer and broadband connection

    Not very exciting, is it?

    GLANCING BACK

    A bare room
    Deodorant and smoke.

    The key turns
    I let the cat out.

    I SEE

    In my youth
    I made no mistakes.

    Now, at forty three
    I'm not allowed any.

    PROMISED LAND

    On a hot day
    A knock may come,
    Sunful streets
    Over weeded plots.

    With drawn farewells
    Comes a furious bill;
    -Bread is baking
    In the quiet.

  • Home Cinema

    I've been watching several dozen excellent short films on a site called 'atom films'. They're all free and no registration is required.

    http://www.atomfilms.com/

    BAREFOOT YEARS

    We lure our tears
    To where pain creaks
    As love suddenly turns to passion.

    On the beach
    The stare in your eyes
    Doesn't shift the pebbles.

    EXERCISE

    I once tried to write
    A sci-fi story
    Set in the future
    And using only
    The future tense.

    CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD

    Waiting for our mistakes
    With the blood-red gush of poppies;
    The day winding down to dusk.

  • Two simple questions

    1...Why are overnight broadcasts not the same as nocturnal emissions?

    2...Why don't you need a hankie for a blowjob?

    HAIKU

    dirty window,
    sipping from another
    glass in the pub

    HAIKU

    early composting
    the steam of hot tea
    -watching for rain

    HAIKU

    a dry, hot wind
    cigarette smoke
    where the river bends

    HAIKU

    June night,
    tropical fragrance;
    unopened letter
    carried on the wind

  • My will be done...

    They tried to overcharge me again this morning at Kwiksave. When the young lad on the till scanned in my tins of baked beans the price came up as 16p although they are priced at only 13p on the shelf. I protested and pointed out that legally the store is obliged to sell the product to me at the lower price. He was hesitating and so I then reminded him that under English Law he himself is committing a serious offence (I don't think this is actually the case) and I would be pursuing both himself and Kwiksave to the ends of the Earth.

    He capitulated.

  • Current news stories that I'm monitoring with interest.

    1...The discovery of a massive, eleven thousand year old pyramid in Bosnia.

    2...Regular new discoveries of planets in the outer Solar System (two new moons of Pluto discovered at the weekend).

    3...The discovery of the fossilised remains of a new species of human in a cave in Indonesia.

    HAIKU

    after the rain
    New Year's Day
    -the end of our affair

    HAIKU

    Pancake Day:
    barely enough sun
    -you, adding just
    a squeeze of lemon

    HAIKU

    rain pounding
    on the window:
    fluorescent tube
    flickering its last

  • It's one rule for the....

    So, Pensions & Work Secretary, David Blunkett has resigned (been sacked) from the government for breaking the rules yet again.

    Of course the same thing happened a few years ago with Peter Mandelson; and he's now a European Commissioner.

    Some of us though (myself especially) don't ever get the opportunity to make even one mistake.

    In the case of Mr. Blunkett I say good riddance to a vain and arrogant man who liked to masquerade as some type of working class hero, whilst in truth spending most of his time pursuing illicit affairs with married women, surrepticiously dealing in shares and sitting on the boards of three companies.

  • Red Hot Passion.

    I was listening to an interesting programme on Radio New Zealand about crime and punishment in Ancient Greece. Apparently, one of the punishments for adultery was to be stripped naked in the market place and have radishes inserted into your anus.

    I've never liked radishes.

    FAMILY

    Fever makes him cry
    From lack of sleep.

    Red-eyed, we watch
    In alternating turns
    Of tea and coffee.

    HAIKU

    autumn storm:
    in the morning,
    leaves gathered
    at the base of the pylon

    HAIKU

    I'm dreaming
    about flocks of sheep,
    approximate numbers only

  • Isn't it ironic?

    I was woken up at 05:30 this morning by the rain pounding on the window...it's a beautiful sunny day now though. I've never had any difficulty in getting up in the morning; which is a bloody curse when you're unemployed.

    POINTING THE WAY

    The sun setting
    Between goalposts;
    Two points in Yorkshire
    But three down south.

    BANK HOLIDAY

    First buzz
    Of the electric razor:
    When the rain stops,
    The lawn still needs mowing.

    HAIKU

    just like a weed
    even the rose blooms
    when unattended

    HAIKU

    empty chair by the fire
    toast burning in the kitchen

  • Tall Story?

    I was entertained at the pub on Saturday night when one of the regulars went out of his way to tell me how he'd been attacked earlier by a lesbian for snogging her girlfriend. Of course, he was quite drunk and so I don't know how true the story was.

    DIARY DATE

    Rain turning to snow
    First thing in the morning:
    -I was still in bed
    When the first flake fell.

    HAIKU

    Midwinter:
    Stars blossoming
    On the cherry tree.

    HAIKU

    Last night
    I dreamed
    I was dreaming.

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