Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Baarle-Nassau: A municipality in The Netherlands including small exclaves of Belgium; which in turn comprise even smaller exclaves of The Netherlands.

Baldwin Street, Dunedin: A short, suburban road in New Zealand which is reputedly the world's steepest street.

Colletto Fava: An Italian hill with an enormous pink stuffed bunny on the summit.

Mill Ends Park: The smallest park in the world (452 square inches) located in the middle of a mini-roundabout in Portland, Oregon.

The appearance of 'unusual' and 'common' next to each other in the title is a very rare occurance in itself.

Abscess Root

Adder's Tongue

Bedstraw

Bittersweet

Compass Plant

Devil's Bit

Dyer's Madder

Eyebright

Feverfew

Forget-Me-Not

Goat's Beard

Horehound

Horsetails

Jacob's Ladder

Jewelwood

John's Bread

Love Lies Bleeding

Mouse Ear

Paradise Gains

Queen's Delight

Shepherd's Purse

Snapdragon

This is a copy of an email I've just sent to Doncaster Consumer Services:

I am writing to you to report what happened to me this morning.

At approximately 08:55 this Morning (Sat. April 29) I entered the Kwiksave store in the Waterdale precinct and noticed what I thought was a good bargain; 3 litre bottles of orange cordial for 69p. and so picked one up and placed it in my basket. However, when I arrived at the till I was informed that the price had just been increased to 99p. When I explained that there was a price label in the shelf showing 69p. which must have been subsequently removed, the manager in effect called me a liar.

I am therefore initially writing to you for clarification on the matter as to what exactly my rights are on this occasion before I decide to take matters any further. I am convinced that this is an example of unfair trading; if you wish to contact Kwiksave on my behalf, in the first instance all I am asking for is a 30p. refund and a written apology from the manager.

Yours Sincerely

A. L. Firth

Mrs. Isabella Beeton

Frank Columbo

Fitzwilliam Darcy

Dr. John Dolittle

Thomas Stearns Eliot

Victor Frankenstein

Dr. Henry Jekyll

Clive Staples Lewis

Endeavour Morse

John J. Rambo

Joanne Rowling

Hikaru Sulu

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien

Mme. Marie Tussaud

Dr. John Watson

My friend who lives in Glasgow visited for a few hours yesterday afternoon and we ended up going to the pub and staying until quite late. It was the first time I'd seen him for nearly a year and so we had a lot to catch up with...we stay in touch by email, and he regularly reads my blog, but it's not the same as actually being there with the person though.

He's staying with one of his other friends (someone I've never met though) in a small village near Retford for a few more days, so I might get the chance to see him again before he returns to Scotland.

The station is the London terminus for trains from Doncaster. There are on average about two trains an hour, the journey taking 90-100 minutes.

Some facts about the station:

The station features in the Harry Potter novels and films (there is even a sign for platform 9 and three quarters), although St. Pancras Station is used for the exterior shots - it's a far more beautiful building...neogothic, I think.

The station is also mentioned in the Dr. Who, Roland Rat, and Sherlock Holmes T.V. series.

The station's name can be spelled either with, or without, an apostrophe - both spellings are official and preference depends on historic usage by different organisations.

The station has also

I've been blogging for eight months now, updating my blog at least daily - twice most days. I seem to have about fifteen visitors each day and thirty pageviews, except for when I'm hit by an occasional spamming attack and have registered up to nine hundred pageviews.

I don't know if it's basically the same fifteen people who keep visiting my blog or whether different people visit only once every few days; I'd like to know. It would also be interesting to know how many visitors I receive from external sources; and where they come from...unfortunately the stats on this site are very basic - we have been promised they'll be improved though.

I'm really enjoying the blogging experience; I spend quite a lot of time reading, and sometimes commenting on, people's blog (not only on this site) and surfing the net looking for interesting things to post.

Generally I would say that blog.co.uk is a small, friendly site; yet there are a few people who insist on trrying to use the site to promote their products and services by multiple posts and spamming comments - but fortunately they don't seem to stay for long.

Overall, blogging is a thoroughly enjoyable, creative and participatory experience that I'd recommend to anyone (and have done.)

I think these are rollerskating terms, but they might be skateboarding terms...I can't remember.

Acid Drop
Acid Grind
Acid Rain
Brainless
Nose Pick
Porn Star
Soul Grind
Spine Ramp
Goofy Foot
Stalefish Grab
Crooked Grind
Feeble Grind
Nosegrind

I reckon these terms could just as easily be associated with drugs culture, or even be the names of rock climbing routes.

I typed these words into Google and these were some of the suggestions - mainly from people's personal blogs.

London

Antarctica

Rapa Nui (Easter Island)

Sri Lanka's southwest coastline after the Christmas 2004 tsunami.

John o'Groats

airports

Wyoming

California

Iceland

My own suggestion? I'm not sure; there's a lot of loneliness in my life and so it's difficult to choose.

There was a programme on TV last night called 'Destination Lost'; basically a recap of the first series of 'Lost' and a preview of the second series. I had intended watching it; but it wasn't broadcast until eleven o'clock...and by ten thirty I was feeling tired and so went to bed.

I'm really looking forward to Series Two of the programme. Of course, here in Britain we're among the last to see it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Another batch of poems written yesterday.

MAP OF THE BALKANS

We shall not shake hands:
Back in your youth
That is your affair
But here, towards me
And my world
- All that's mine.

MUSIC DANCING ON MY EAR

Returned once more,
So near at times
As if revived from death
- Although it seems so far;
A last bequest.

AND THE WEATHER'S BAD

Closer the earth
She's wandering in
Where as a child
I'd clutch her skirt
Until I'd leave:
- From furthest awhile
Her window's empty
Her weeping ever again;
Says, "Please."

An interesting thread on the Fortean Times Forum.

Rotterdam - a shop selling only wheels.

Edinburgh - a shop selling only brushes.

Anything left-handed can be bought at a shop in London.

Bead shops in Falmouth and London.

Shops selling Christmas decorations throughout the year in Amsterdam and Edinburgh.

A shop in Brighton used to only sell pianola rolls.

I found these on a site called 'Google Satellite Maps.' I can't install Google Earth on my computer and so I don't know how the quality compares; the images do seem to have all the interactive features though.

Eggborough Power Station - together with two other nearby power stations, Drax and Ferrybridge dominates the northern skyline from most parts of Doncaster borough. It's also possible to see the Trent Valley power stations to the south and east.

Town of Whitby - not a very good image.

Northallerton

The Yorkshire Three Peaks

Ribblehead Viaduct

Fylingdales Early Warning Station

R.A.F. Menwith Hill

Crop circle, near Billingley, Barnsley

Ferrybridge Power Station [mentioned earlier] - actually a stunning and very detailed photograph.

Some unusual U.S. pursuits with their own websites.

Canine Freestyle Dancing
Storm Chasing Tours
International Federation of Competitive Eaters
Sleeping With Ghosts
Cacophony Societies
Lawn Mower Drag Racing
School Bus Figure 8 Racing

When I'm really bored I go to The Guardian's jobs website and try to imagine what some of the people who will be getting these jobs would actually be doing.

This week's highlights:

Head of Safeguarding and Assessment Services

Transitions Group Manager

Homophobic Crime Development and Case Worker [surely this is badly worded]

Floating Support/Day Centre Worker

Hate Crime Co-ordinator [yet again, badly worded]

For quite a while now I've been noticing that most people on blog.co.uk have started adding extra links and features to their blogs; stats counters and links to external sites in particular. I'd like to incorporate some of this software/code into this blog, but haven't got a clue how to do it - maybe these features are only available to 'pro account' users...I don't know.

I haven't even managed to set up a bloglist yet...all I do is type in text. Maybe I need to download some additional software in order to improve the appearance and functionality of my blog...maybe there are things that aren't compatible with my old operating system, Windows 98SE.

'My favourite thing about the internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.' - Penn Jillett, U.S. magician/performer.

'On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.' - Peter Steiner - U.S. cartoonist.

'The internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.' - Andrew Brown, English journalist and author.

'The net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.' - William Gibson, author.

What should we call the war that is currently being fought by mainly American and British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Some suggestions:

The War On Terror
The Long War
The Clash Of Civilisations
The War Against Civilisation
The War Against Islam
The 1300 Year War
The Continuation Crusade

I've seen all of these terms used somewhere on the net. I suppose which one you prefer depends on your political point of view. I think I prefer 'The 1300 Year War.'

With spring now having arrived and it's not quite so cold in my bathroom I decided to remove my 500w heater lamp which is screwed in to the light fitting [bayonet-type fitting actually] and replace it with a standard 60w light bulb.

It's not an easy task to do though. It requires both hands at full stretch - I have to position the chair I need to stand on several feet away from directly underneath where the light is, so that I'm not blocking the light coming in from the landing and am not likely to fall either.

Yesterday morning, the lamp wouldn't budge so I twisted and pushed it a bit harder...and the plastic fitting broke. I bought a replacement assuming it wouldn't take me long to do the simple re-wiring job...well, I was mistaken; after nearly an hour I gave up. I'd got severe cramp in my arms, was feeling a bit faint and had difficulty focusing my eyes.

So I phoned my landlord and left a message telling him he'll have to send someone round to fix it.

I've just spent two hours scanning my computer for spyware for the first time in six weeks and 169 items have been selected for removal (last time it was over three hundred.) Because it's only the free-to-use version I'm using I have to manually remove all the files; I did manage to purge most of the malware though, but for some reason the 'find' function in Windows 98 can't locate about half a dozen items...this always happens, and I think it's always the same files.

I'm always amazed and disappointed when I look at the scan log and notive that companies such as MSN and RealMedia participate in this sort of malicious activity.

I don't have the sources though.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Juvenile Courts To Try Shooting Defendant

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

I think this is the entire list.

River Avon
Lake Windermere
Bredon
Breedon on the Hill
Brill
Torpenhow Hill
Pendle Hill
Redruth

Obviously over the years the original meanings of words have been lost and so extra words have been added to names for clarification.

Using only four words. All of these are written by M. Stanley Bubien.

Title: American Idol
"I believe in myself."

Title: The Alcoholic Speaks
"I'm not an alcoholic."

Title: Desire
"Here I am, Lord."

Title: The Grand Illusion
"I am in control."

Title: The Hapless Prophet's Gravestone
'The end is here.'

Title: The Madman And Me
"I am not mad!"

A very unusual literary form; and I think some of my poems are too short!

9 - Number of known planets in Solar System (but for how much longer?)

10 - Downing Street
- A film starring Dudley Moore and Bo Derek
- The Ten Commandments

54 - A film about a New York nightclub in the 1970s.

59 - Nothing

88 - Charter 88: an independent all-party campaign for U.K. constitutional reform.
The 88: a band
88 Minutes: a film

109 - Nothing

On Monday I posted a copy of an email I sent to Sainsbury's complaining about some misleading pricing...well, here's is the reply.

* * * * * * * * *

Dear Lee

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that you found our recent in store advertising for the whole salmon you purchased in our Doncaster store confusing. I can appreciate how embarrassing and frustrating this must have been for you.

We certainly would not wish to confuse our customers, so it is very disappointing to hear you have found this promotion misleading. We aim to ensure all special offers are clearly marked and our advertising should state exactly which products are included.

I have sent a copy of your email to the store manager, who will ensure there is no further confusion in store. I have also passed your comments on to our marketing team, so they can take your comments into consideration when planning future offers.

In the meantime, please accept 2000 points I have added to your Nectar card which is the same value as £10.00. This is as a goodwill gesture, together with my sincere apologies for the inconvenience you have been caused. I hope you will use these to buy something you enjoy the next time you visit Sainsbury's.

Thank you again for taking the time to bring this matter to our attention. By doing so, you have given us the opportunity to prevent it happening again. I do hope your future experiences of shopping with us will be more enjoyable.

Kind regards

Lindsay Jeffries
Sainsbury's Customer Services

* * * * * * * * * * *

My original email
Subject: Misleading Pricing
Comments:

This morning I was in your Doncaster branch when I picked up what appeared to be a bargain.

I saw a whole salmon on its own in the cooler with a 'use by date' of April 19th. and a large red label or sticker which read 'half price - £3.99 - not unusual you'd think for something perishable that would soon have to be withdrawn from sale.

However, when I reached the till I was informed that the price was actually £8.49 (£3.99 per kilo). When I complained about the misleading pricing on the product the check out operator informed me that this particular 'misunderstanding' happens regularly and then encouraged me to contact you.

I decided to purchase the salmon in order to have documentary evidence which I am initially bringing to your attention. I feel that in this circumstance at least, Sainsbury's are misleading their customers and I feel personally exploited and embarrassed about the situation.

For your information I was served at till number nine at 09:18:43.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Sincerely

A. L. Firth

Singapore - Viagra
U.K. - National Lottery
Poland - Valentine's Day
Germany - Wikipedia
Brazil - Carnival

I wonder what these results say about the people living in the respective countries.

[Fairly] Local Sites: there are only three.

Durham Castle & Cathedral - I've visited Durham once and seen the city a couple of times when passing on the train. The view from the railway viaduct is spectacular.

Derwent Valley Mills - although I've visited this part of the Peak District many times, I've never actually visited any of the locations mentioned.

Saltaire - I'm not very impressed with the place.

I'm just posting a copy of an email I've just sent off to Sainsbury's Customer Relations Dept.

This morning I was in your Doncaster branch when I picked up what appeared to be a bargain.

I saw a whole salmon on its own in the cooler with a 'use by date' of April 19th. and a large red label or sticker which read 'half price - £3.99' - not unusual you'd think for something perishable that would soon have to be withdrawn from sale.

However, when I reached the till I was informed that the price was actually £8.49 (£3.99 per kilo). When I complained about the misleading pricing on the product the check out operator informed me that this particular 'misunderstanding' happens regularly and then encouraged me to contact you.

I decided to purchase the salmon in order to have documentary evidence which I am initially bringing to your attention. I feel that in this circumstance at least, Sainsbury's are misleading their customers and I feel personally exploited and embarrassed about the situation.

For your information I was served at till number nine at 09:18:43.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Sincerely

A. L. Firth

So, it's another bank holiday today; as it was on Friday...both a statutory holiday and a religious festival - not really relevant to me, being unemployed and an atheist.

Apart from some of the shops not opening until ten o'clock and the TV schedules being slightly different I probably won't notice the difference...it's just another day.

According to a website called EarthCam.

Wildlife Webcams Around The World
Koala Cam - Columbia, South Carolina
Eiffel Tower, Paris
Hawaii Transportation Services
Boston University
Anchorage DMV [I don't know what the initials stand for...it looks like an airport departure lounge.]
Valencia Network, Spain
Skelleftea, Sweden
Meersburg, Germany
Pyramid Cam, Egypt
Salzburg, Austria
San Francisco
Live Piranha Webcam - Nashville, Tennessee
St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands
L.A. County Beaches
PandaCam, Washington D.C.
Tropical Isle & The Funky Pirate, New Orleans
JailCam - Clinton, Tennessee
Inside The Bullring Webcam - Birmingham, U.K.
GracelandCam - Memphis, Tennessee
Tahiti Nui Travel Webcam, French Polynesia
Interactive Live Webcam Lights - Mesa, Arizona
British Antarctic Survey Vessel
Le Meridien Grand Pacific Hotel, Tokyo
Raleigh Convention Centre Construction Site, North Carolina

I'm quite interested in military history; not particularly the details of the weapons or the tactics - but more the politics and strategy behind any decision to go to war...and of course what the ultimate consequences are; sometimes many years later.

I found this information recently.

Anglo-Zanzibar War: The world's shortest war. The sultan of Zanzibar capitulated after only forty five minutes.

The Three Hundred And Thirty Five Years War: A war between The Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly without a single shot being fired. The world's longest war; only recently ended by treaty.

Battle of Tanga: First World War battle where 8,000 British troops were defeated by a German-led force of 1,100 native soldiers and swarms of angry bees.

Football War: A 6 day war fought between El Salvador and Honduras in 1969 ignited by a riot caused by a disputed penalty at an international football match between the two countries.

Why do I sometimes need to click twice, and other times only once?

Sometimes the page is far too big for the screen.

Occasionally I find that hypertext links don't work, or the site I'm directed to has been changed or updated. This is particularly annoying when I go into Google Blogsearch and find an archived posting, but the current post appears on screen instead.

Sometimes when I'm signed in to MSN Messenger and click on an email notification pop-up, when I return to my original page the screen freezes.

Quite frequently audio and video are out of synch, and sound levels and volume vary considerably from file to file.

I'm not particularly knowledgable about computers and so some of these problems might well be due to my own shortcomings; however I do have a rather old computer and operating system which doesn't help either.

These are really no more than minor glitches though.

...found on the Cornwall Record Office website.

Admonition
Dark
Pharoah
Cotton
Gentle
Blunt
Berry
Rule
Honour
Truth
Unite
Wealthy
Hobby
Flower
Faithful
Sturgeon
Placid
Almond
Capon
Moneywell
Moody
Pentecost

I don't think that Cornwall is in any way particularly unusual, it's just what the search engine found first.

ALF in my case:

Animal Liberation Front
American Liver Foundation
Association of Libertarian Feminists
American Legacy Foundation
Australian Lebanese Asoociation
Australian Living Foundation
American Leprosy Foundation
Alternative Law Forum

I'm either not eligible, or wouldn't want to join any of these groups.

There is no ham in a hamburger, nor any straw in a strawberry.

There is no egg in an eggplant, nor apple in a pineapple.

Fireflies are beetles and a greyhound can be any colour.

Rush hour lasts longer than an hour and boxing rings are square.

Sweetmeat is made of fruit and sweetbread is a meat.

If a vegetarian only eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Astronauts cannot burp in space.

More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a typical French kiss.

The average person can guess someone's sex with 95% accuracy just by smelling their breath.

When you eat too much, your hearing becomes less acute.

Fingernails grow faster on the hand you prefer.

99% of people cannot lick their elbow.

5% of people have an extra rib.

Things that bring good luck:

A robin flying into the house
Sneezing three times before breakfast
Meeting three sheep
Looking at the new moon over your right shoulder
Nine peas in a pod
Cutting your hair during a storm
Picking up a pencil in the street

Things that bring bad luck:

A bat flying into the house
An owl hooting three times
Three butterflies together
Looking at the new moon over your left shoulder
A five leaf clover
Cutting your nails on a Friday
Starting a cruise on a Friday

There's only one good luck superstition that I follow - that of not spending any coin I find until I've found another to replace it. I usually do this by placing the coin in my back pocket.

Found on someone's personal webpage.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm new in town, could I have the directions to your house?

That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

I've definitely not used any of these, and don't intend to be using them either. I'm not very confident when it comes to talking to people I don't know...women in particular.

Alien hand syndrome

Danger triangle of the face

Exploding head syndrome

Fatal hilarity

Foreign accent syndrome

Maggot therapy

Male lactation

Penis panic

Photic sneeze reflex

Schmidt Sting Pain Index

Supernumerary nipple

I don't know if any of these were actually used; I just found them on a website somewhere. They are rather amusing though.

'When I got up this morning I took two laxatives in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.'

'The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitch hike to the vet's.'

'I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at me talking in my sleep and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser and the batteries fell out, and so I overslept.'
[Did the cat explain this though?]

'I'm sorry I'm late, I forgot to look at my watch.'

'I was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.'

'My body clock's batteries went flat during the night.'

'I can't come in to work today...I'm farting blood.'

Yesterday I went along to register for my resident's parking permit; the office is only at the bottom of the street. The scheme is starting in this part of the town centre later in the month and residents (and their visitors) will then need to display the permit on their vehicles which are parked on the street for longer than two hours at a time.

Of course I don't drive and so won't be using my permit much, if at all...I don't even have that many visitors who arrive in cars.

Found on someone's personal webpage. I don't think I'll be undertaking any of these activities though.

1...Push down on your eyeballs in order to see an interesting light show.

2...Try not to think about penguins.

3...Pretend to be a car.

4...Watch TV and repeat everything in an Italian accent.

5...Try and sound Welsh.

Currently on BBC News 24 they are showing two promotional trailers for the BBC tagged 'This is what we do.' In one of these it informs us that it took three years planning, a week-long hike up a mountain and then seven weeks waiting just to get a shot, lasting only a few seconds, of a snow leopard chasing a deer. The other clip I've seen mentioned how BBC technicians had to dismantle their satellite uplink equipment and place it on donkeys in order to traverse a mountain pass blocked by snow just so that they could get to Kabul a few minutes earlier than a rival network.

Who bloody cares? It's excessive expenditure such as this that makes the TV licence fee so expensive and turns so many otherwise law-abiding citizens into criminals spending prolonged periods of time in jail because they can't afford to pay...'This is what we do'

For some unknown reason I've had a very creative morning. I did have a few problems with the printer though; but I've got enough copies to send out to the magazines when I find some new addresses.

AUTUMN LEAVES AND NEVER COMES BACK

We live in hunched up houses
And tend allotment sheds
Bought in flat-packed suburbs.

Our cabbage leaves have holes in them,
Our dreams are gray and miserable
- Dogs skulk down an allied shabbiness
And even the buddleias are rusty now.

OBLIQUE ANGLE

The verb encourages sleep
The nerve is kick
The future imperfect,
Is a cabinet of blazing poets
In the town where there's
Only one street.

LIFE SPITS SOMETHING OUT

Raise your glasses!
Somewhere a poet conceives;
In every room of the casino -
A pack of cards blowing in the wind.

A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't A Cake

Accidental Goat Sodomy

Cherry Coke Enema

Eat My Afterbirth

Goldfish Don't Bounce

Lesbian Dopeheads On Mopeds

My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

People With Chairs Up Their Noses

Tupperware Death

I went out to the pub last night; the first time for a fortnight. The place was unusually busy, even early in the evening, and everyone who I recognised seemed to have a buzz about them.

I soon became aware of the fact that a lot of people's conversations seemed to revolve around the subject of lesbians. I was intrigued and so joined a small group of regulars and quickly found out that another of the regulars called Pete had got very drunk at a party a few nights ago and ended up accidently shagging a lesbian. The woman was similarly very drunk and she was the one who came on to him, but as yet she doesn't know what happened that night and the new ambiguity surrounding her sexuality.

When I got up to go to the bar I noticed Pete sitting rather sheepishly in the corner, but when I returned to my seat he seemed to be holding court with some people I didn't recognise.

I suppose this is a typical example of what drinking too much alcohol can do to people - everyone else at the party must have been too drunk to prevent the situation getting out of hand...or conversely, maybe they were just enjoying watching the spectacle.

I received a rather frantic phone call from my mum last night informing me that I'm related, by marriage, to the Rotherham Shoe Rapist; someone who committed a series of rapes about twenty years ago, always stealing one of his victim's shoes.

She explained the details and the man is my aunt's brother; and in my case it means he's no blood relative...I don't even think I've ever met him; I was never close to my aunt and uncle...I've not seen my aunt for over ten years; and my uncle's been dead for nearly as long.

The police managed to track down the rapist by routinely re-opening old unsolved cases and searching for DNA matches on the computer database. A couple of years ago my aunt was convicted of drink driving and had to provide a DNA sample and the computer cross referenced her details and discovered that one of her siblings was the rapist.

Why did it take so long though? Fortunely her brother hasn't been active for many years, so no-one was had been attacked during this delay.

Well, it says so on the website.

Dancing mothballs and raisins

Electric lemon

Invisible ink

Volcano

Clouds in a bottle

Musical saw

Shrunken head

Solar oven

I once saw the volcano depicted on an episode of C.S.I.

Yesterday I was looking through the property section of the local newspaper for suitable houses to rent in Doncaster town centre. It's not for me; I'm very happy where I'm living - I'm looking for a friend's daughter and her boyfriend.

I only managed to find four contact numbers though. It's not entirely suitable where they're living at the moment and they are keen to get their own place, but it's not easy when you're both on benefits and you can't provide any references. I've not heard how things have progressed yet...but I'll always be able to look again next week.

Earlier today I met up with my brother and we went walking in the local countryside...we don't have to travel far from Doncaster to find some good walking country and beautiful villages.

It's been a few years though since I've been walking in the limestone ridge country in the far west of the borough near my childhood home in Thurnscoe. The route, about five miles I suppose, brought back happy memories for both of us; however I was hoping to take the opportunity of our time together to have a serious conversation with my brother, but I never got the chance...always something else to talk about.

He still lives at home with our parents and I wanted to ask him about his plans for the future as they approach their declining years; but the moment was never right.

I had a thirty minute appointment booked, and the dentist needed all of it. Plenty of drilling, clamping and root canal treatment - plus three visits to the X-ray room.

Fortunately I'm not apprehensive about the dentist; it's a good job though with the state of my teeth.

During the last few days I've had four more poems accepted for publication in two magazines and found another mention of my work online. Not bad, I suppose.

The problem at the moment though is that I'm not sending out any work (or writing much either) because I can't find any new addresses of suitable magazines.

Black Rod
Clerk of the Closet
Clerk of the Green Cloth
Gold Stick
Silver Stick
Grand Carver of England
Groom of the Robes
Groom of the Stool
Her Majesty's Representative at Ascot
Keeper of the Privy Purse
Lady of the Bedchamber
Marker of the Swans
Master of the Buckhounds
Master of the Horse
Master of the Revels
Page of the Backstairs
Page of the Presence
Piper to the Sovereign
Poet Laureate
Purse Bearer
Queen's Bargemaster

I haven't heard of most of these posts, all of them with job descriptions and terms and conditions. Of course there are many more positions in the Royal Household which have names that aren't quite so silly.

Dead grandma's pillow

My pet sweet potato

2006 nickel with free haemorrhoids suppositories

Alien head found in potpourri

Adopt a pet brick.

Testicle and breast painting session

Old man's utilities bill

Socks of a dead man

Two pounds of cigarette butts and ashes

I didn't actually visit eBay; I found these on a site called 'Bizarre Bids'.

The forecourt of the Savoy Hotel is the only street in the U.K. where drivers are legally required to drive on the right; apparently so that vehicles queueing to drop people off at the theatre wouldn't block access to the hotel.

After an earlier posting a few days ago about London tourist attractions I accidently, and coincidentally, found this interesting piece of information.

I was just about to withdraw some money from the cash dispenser outside of the bank, a situation in which I always feel a bit vulnerable, when I was tapped on the shoulder by an aggressive drunk (at nine o'clock on a Monday morning) who told me that he knew my PIN number.

I told him that he didn't know my PIN number, and that there was no way in which he would ever find out what it is.

I then told him that if he didn't step away and leave me alone I would hit him extremely hard; I didn't need to swear or shout, I just informed him what would happen if he didn't modify his behaviour.

Fortunately, he wasn't that drunk that he didn't understand.

There are currently several deep holes and resultant heaps of soil and smashed up tarmac on my street where contractors are in the process of laying new electrical cables...however, the workmen haven't been seen since Thursday.

This isn't the safest state to leave the street in. Why is this work taking so long?

On occasions, GNER, the local railway company, offers cheap tickets for travel to London - sometimes for as cheap as £5 return.

Whenever these offers come around my brother and myself like to take the opportunity to visit the capital.

There's too much to see in London in just a day so we tend to alternate travelling east from King's Cross terminus one visit, and west the next. Whenever we travel eastwards we visit the British Museum, Covent Garden and Tate Modern. When travelling westwards we take in the National History Museum and the Science Museum. We've also visited the National Gallery on Trafalgar Square, Tate Britain and walked in the royal parks and along the Thames riverside.

We've not been to London for five years now though; we're both a bit apprehensive since 9/11, and to be honest, I haven't seen any cheap offers anyhow.

I've been reading a news report about an expedition which has travelled the entire length of the Nile, starting at its mouth in the Mediterranean Sea and finishing at its headwaters; which a spokesman claims are actually more distant than currently shown on maps...thus making the River Nile at least sixty six miles longer than previously calculated. Exciting stuff!

So, I decided to go exploring myself online to find out what other interesting expeditions have been taking place recently. Here are my favourites:-

Andes Expedition and Mummy Autopsy

The Black Sea: The Search For Noah's Flood

DinoQuest Sahara

Fire & Iceland: Filming A Fuming Glacier

...and I can't remember any of these!

Popples

Jelly shoes - you could wear them without socks

Slap bracelets

Wack Wallwalker

Koosh balls

Hacky-Sack

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Some crazes from the decade I can recall though:-

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Trivial Pursuits

The Smurfs

Cabbage Patch Dolls

Rubik's Cube

I thought this might be an appropriate posting after the site being hacked earlier by a prankster.

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Some outrageous hoaxes I've selected from the postings on the Fortean Times Forum.

Ban dihydrogen monoxide!

Drunken surfing on the web to be banned.

The Swiss spaghetti harvest.

Planetary alignment decreases gravity.

Whistling carrots.

Dutch Elm Disease infects redheads.

Diamond-encrusted grenades.