Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I don't know if any of these were actually used; I just found them on a website somewhere. They are rather amusing though.

'When I got up this morning I took two laxatives in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.'

'The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitch hike to the vet's.'

'I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at me talking in my sleep and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser and the batteries fell out, and so I overslept.'
[Did the cat explain this though?]

'I'm sorry I'm late, I forgot to look at my watch.'

'I was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.'

'My body clock's batteries went flat during the night.'

'I can't come in to work today...I'm farting blood.'

Yesterday I went along to register for my resident's parking permit; the office is only at the bottom of the street. The scheme is starting in this part of the town centre later in the month and residents (and their visitors) will then need to display the permit on their vehicles which are parked on the street for longer than two hours at a time.

Of course I don't drive and so won't be using my permit much, if at all...I don't even have that many visitors who arrive in cars.