Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I went out to the pub last night; the first time for a fortnight. The place was unusually busy, even early in the evening, and everyone who I recognised seemed to have a buzz about them.

I soon became aware of the fact that a lot of people's conversations seemed to revolve around the subject of lesbians. I was intrigued and so joined a small group of regulars and quickly found out that another of the regulars called Pete had got very drunk at a party a few nights ago and ended up accidently shagging a lesbian. The woman was similarly very drunk and she was the one who came on to him, but as yet she doesn't know what happened that night and the new ambiguity surrounding her sexuality.

When I got up to go to the bar I noticed Pete sitting rather sheepishly in the corner, but when I returned to my seat he seemed to be holding court with some people I didn't recognise.

I suppose this is a typical example of what drinking too much alcohol can do to people - everyone else at the party must have been too drunk to prevent the situation getting out of hand...or conversely, maybe they were just enjoying watching the spectacle.

I received a rather frantic phone call from my mum last night informing me that I'm related, by marriage, to the Rotherham Shoe Rapist; someone who committed a series of rapes about twenty years ago, always stealing one of his victim's shoes.

She explained the details and the man is my aunt's brother; and in my case it means he's no blood relative...I don't even think I've ever met him; I was never close to my aunt and uncle...I've not seen my aunt for over ten years; and my uncle's been dead for nearly as long.

The police managed to track down the rapist by routinely re-opening old unsolved cases and searching for DNA matches on the computer database. A couple of years ago my aunt was convicted of drink driving and had to provide a DNA sample and the computer cross referenced her details and discovered that one of her siblings was the rapist.

Why did it take so long though? Fortunely her brother hasn't been active for many years, so no-one was had been attacked during this delay.