Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I've just been and checked and I'm actually ranked number one! It's a new site with fewer than a hundred members at the moment, so it's nothing for me to get too excited about; but it's always nice to be popular within a group.

I decided to register with Blog Village because, unlike the other blog ranking or rating sites I know of it seems to operate a slightly different system whereby only visitors who access your blog from the site itself are recorded...and I can get the HTML link to work properly.

yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE".

preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

microwave oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalisation offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

1. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

2. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

3. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

4. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

5. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you
are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

6. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as glowing eyes, increasing hairiness etc, run away immediately.

7. If your car runs out of petrol at night on a
lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

8. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a torch, not a candle.

9. If you find that your house is built over a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.

10. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

1. BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our computer cost quite a bit."

2. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

3. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

4. ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer shop to "just look".

5. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips).

6. BUG - What email does to you.

7. HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

8. EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

9. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

10. WINDOW - What you finally chuck your computer out of.

BYTE - What you stop computing for when your tummy rumbles

SPREADSHEET - Old cloth you throw over your computer to keep it dust free

FLOPPY DISK - A Hard Disk when left too close to radiator

SOFTWARE - Comfortable clothing used while computing

INTERFACE - When your monitor is on the blink and is so dim you can see your face reflected in it.

MONITOR - The wife that says you've been on there long enough - and unplugs just before you've pressed the save key

SPAM - What you have to eat as it is all you can afford since buying your computer

I went with my brother earlier today to visit my adopted footpath as part of a longer walk in the countryside. As I expected we didn't encounter any problems; no overgrown or ploughed over sections or blockages by farm machinery, barbed wire or electric fences. In fact for the entire length of the footpath there aren't any gates or styles or overhanging trees or overgrown vegetation that is ever likely to restrict access for pedestrians. In truth, it's more of a farm track than a footpath.

The local bus fares have increased again : it cost me £4.50 for a total journey of about ten miles. I consider this to be very expensive; I don't know how it compares to other places.

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

Earlier today I had to attend my twelve month review at the jobcentre; it's now that long since my last employment placement finished.

At the interview I was fixed up with an appointment for someone to arrange my next training scheme or placement. I was given a letter to present to the receptionist when I arrive there on Monday morning. According to this letter I am being referred for the following Opportunity [note the deliberate use of the capital 'O'.]

Employment Zone - Aged 25+ Stage One

It will be another six months full-time, work for your benefits scheme, no doubt.

...it's always a good idea to type in the correct information.

I've just re-set my co-ordinates on Site Meter because they were incorrect; they were actually the co-ordinates for Pontefract.

I intially used the figures which appeared on the BBC Weather Centre page which I had personalised for Doncaster but wasn't aware that the weather station at Doncaster Museum is no longer used for official figures...so Pontefract is where the nearest figures refer to; it would have been helpful though if the website had actually stated that!

I thought that some of the mileage figures the stats were showing for visitors from neighbouring towns were somewhat inaccurate but just assumed that they referred to Leeds or York as being the nearest large cities on the database. But no, it was just the wrong co-ordinates that I was using; I now have the correct co-ordinates for latitude and longitude for Doncaster, accurate to three decimal places and the distance figures are now precise!

[I love chocolate; it's probably my only addiction, and so naturally I have an interest in the subject]

Are you a Cadbury's Fruit and Nut case?

And all because the lady loves Milk Tray.

Have a break. Have a Kit-Kat.

A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.

Chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

These jobs are still actually done by people in the U.S. - the details were submitted to an online discussion forum.

1...Fantasy Broker
2...Ball Picker
3...Ant Catcher
4...Brain Picker
5...Forest Fire Lookout
6...Odour Judge
7...Queen Producer
8...Egg Breaker
9...Chicken Sexer
10..Wrinkle Chaser
11 Celluloid Trimmer
12..Chimney Sweep [more unusual in U.S.]
13..Egg Smeller
14..Pillowcase Turner
15..Easter Bunny

I received a £500 poetry bursary two years ago and came across these as I was looking for charities and organisations where I might apply for another bursary or grant...I'm certainly not eligible for most of these U.S. scholarships or awards though!

Frederick & Mary F. Beckley Scholarship For Left-Handed Students.

The Duck Brand Duct Tape Stuck On Prom Contest - the successful couple must attend high school prom wearing complete attire and accessories made from duct tape.

Scholar Athlete Milk Moustache Of The Year Award

Students For Organ Donation Youth Leadership Award

Little People Of America Scholarship

Tall Club International Scholarship

New England Chapter Of The National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance Scholarship

Klingon Language Institute Scholarship

Patrick Kerr Skateboard Scholarship

Tupperware Home Parties Scholarship

Mule Deer Foundation Scholarships

National Beef Ambassador Programme

National Marbles Tournament Sholarships

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere - The rarified organisational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewellery - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombassa, leaving
Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY
ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

I've just installed Site Meter; it's the best free traffic statistics service I've found yet. It lists the location of nearly every visitor, displays these visitors on a detailed interactive map and even calculates how far away everyone is and whether its daylight or night. For someone like me who likes maps and stats this is really good.

So, I've uninstalled a couple of the other stats counters because they didn't seem to be working very well.

You can view the details of the blog's traffic stats by clicking on the button underneath the header photograph.

beggars description

neither a borrower nor a lender be

salad days

neither rhyme nor reason

more in sorrow than in anger

something rotten in the state of Denmark

to the manor born

to thine ownself be true

the game is afoot

eaten out of house and home

play fast and loose

tower of strength

apple of [one's] eye

be-all and end-all

milk of human kindness

one fell swoop

all the glitters is not gold

blinking idiot

wear one's heart on one's sleeve

star-crossed lovers

cold comfort

to kill with kindness

brave new world

into thin air

[to be] in a pickle

good riddance

caught red-handed

all the world's a stage

bated breath

the course of true love never did run smooth

the green-eyed monster

method in his madness

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

"Takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes.."

"Gargled from the fountain of knowledge.."

"If you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans.."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.."

"If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection.."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."

"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately.."

"He would argue with a signpost.."

"He's been working with glue too much.."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime.."

"He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier.."

"Got a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."

"When she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet.."

"Not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'.."

"I would not allow this employee to breed.."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.."

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."

"This person has delusions of adequacy.."

"Since my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig.."

"Sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.."

"Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.."

"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.."

"The lights are on but nobody's at home.."

"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."

17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree

Coach Fire - Passengers Safely Alight

Grandmother Of Eight Makes A Hole In One

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Eastern Head Seeks Arms

Failed Panda Mating - Veterinarian Takes Over

President Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

H2O is hot water and C02 is cold water.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning, climb on top of the person to make artificial perspiration.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

I'm not a supporter of the BBC and regularly write why this is so in my blog. According to this list I found, it seems that I'm not alone in my opinions of the corporation either.

Other suggested meanings for the initials 'BBC':

Blair Broadcasting Corporation
Ba'athist Broadcasting Corporation
British Brainwashing Corporation
Blundering Bombastic Cynicism
Better Balanced Coverage
Buggers Broadcasting Communism
Brits Bashing Catholics
Barely Believable Content
Blair Brown Cronies
Bloody Bad Content
British Broadcasting Calamities
Bash Bush Constantly
British Bolshevik Commune
Bloated Broadcaster Crushed
Bigots' Broadcasting Company
Bloody Bad Coverage
Blair's Bullshit Channel

(Apparently from Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, collected over three years by two teachers.)

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then, than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper, which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long, people got upset about it, and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours, but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Poetry written upside-down is inverse; poetry of very few lines is universal.

A girl who screamed and shouted for a pony got a little hoarse.

The carpenter's heavy tools were uncomfortable so he got a little sore.

Nuns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye.

The days of the pocket diary are numbered.

Lions eat their prey fresh and roar.

Old bikes should be retired.

You can't beat a pickled egg.

If a leopard could cook would he ever change his pots?

See one melée of unruly people and you've seen a maul.

Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired and took the Sabbath off.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were proud people and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

There are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.

Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

Five out of four people can't do fractions.

I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's)

Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's restroom graffiti)

"God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal)

You're too good for him. (Sign above a women's restroom mirror)

No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign above a men's restroom mirror)

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires (tyres) or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's restroom)

Beauty is only a light switch away.

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their in own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.
[maybe some of the writers are just thick though.]

"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."

"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."

"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."

"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."

"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."

"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."

"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."

"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."

"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."

"..I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was taken unexpectedly from behind while being sick out of an upper-storey window. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this might help.."

"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."

"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."

"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."

"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."

"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."

"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."

I've just found this. Would you buy it?

Balmoral Hamper
For those who appreciate fine foods they will find this delicious selection much to their enjoyment. The perfect gift. The Balmoral selection contains 24 items, and is presented in a Wicker Hamper.

£85.00 plus £7.95 UK Mainland delivery†

Delivery 7-10 days

Contents
SOUPS
Cock A Leekie
Cream of Tomato
Potato & Leek
Carrot & Coriander
Lobster Bisque
Mushroom Potage

BEETROOT
Sliced Beetroot

REDUCED SUGAR CONSERVES
Strawberry Conserve
Raspberry Conserve
Blackcurrant Conserve
Rhubarb & Ginger Conserve

CHUTNEY
Mango with Ginger
Tomato

CONDIMENTS
Apple Sauce
Cranberry Sauce

SIMPLY DELICIOUS
Spiced Honey Mustard

MARY BERRY
Caesar Dressing

PEPPADEW
Mild Piquante Peppers

FINE SCOTTISH PRODUCTS
Baxters Shortbread Gift Tin
Brodies Scottish Tea Time (50 Bags)
Baxters Colombian Coffee
Glenfiddich Whisky Cake
Scottish Desserts Chocolates

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE
Pearly Bay Red Wine

Face Value
No More Jumping To Conclusions
Muted Mackerel
Wasted Youth
Seventh Aardvark
One Previous Owner
Pimp With A Limp
A Nice Polka Dot Demon Gets The Royal Shaft
Just Another Dead End Job
Consenting Adults
Brief Encounter
Let Them Eat Jellybeans
Chiselling The Dragon

Courtship behaviour of ostriches towards humans under farming conditions in Britain.

Effect of ale, garlic and soured cream on the appetite of leeches.

The sociology of Canadian doughnut shops.

I've selected these people from a much longer list because of their historical or cultural significance.

Henry Beauclerk - King of England

Erik Bloodaxe - 2nd. King of Norway

Thomas Chippendale - furniture maker

Thomas Crapper - inventor of the flushing toilet

Constantine The Great - Roman Emperor, crowned at York

Guy Fawkes - leader of The Gunpowder Plot

John Harrison - inventor of the chronograph

Robin Hood (Robert of Loxley) - English folk hero

Ted Hughes - former Poet Laureate

Edward Plantagenet - Yorkist Prince of Wales

Joseph Priestley - chemist, and discoverer of oxygen

Percy Shaw - inventor of cats' eyes (road studs)

Dick Turpin - highwayman

William Wilberforce - brough about abolition of slavery in the British Empire

Cardinal Sin - Filipino cardinal.

Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake - child of a couple in Kent, England.

Ima Hogg - daughter of a governor of Texas.

Increase Sumner - governor of Massachusetts 1797-1799.

Loser Lane - his criminal brother is called Winner Lane.

Optimus Prime - a U.S. National Guard firefighter.

World B. Free - retired NBA basketball player.

Yahoo Serious - Australian actor.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicide.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in E.R., she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

1. AQUADEXTROUS Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over
and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum
one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly)
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'
all the germs.

4. ELBONICS The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust
pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give
up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[These must be genuine because there are photographs of them on the webpage]

USB Lava Lamps
USB Duck Vacuum Cleaner
USB Christmas Tree
USB Human Thumb Drive
USB Aquarium
USB Heated Slippers
USB Ioniser
USB Powered Thermal Wrist Protector
USB Pencil Sharpener

[These are only a selection; there were 164 songs in total, plus all the songs by 'Rage Against The Machine']

The Animals - We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Louis Armstrong - What A Wonderful World

The Bangles - Walk Like An Egyptian

The Beatles - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
- Ticket To Ride

The Clash - Rock The Casbah

Leonard Cohen - First We Take Manhattan

Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight

R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World As We Know It

Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

Van Halen - Jump

The most northerly part of Southern Ireland is actually further north than any point in Northern Ireland.

There are 33,000 miles of hedgerows in the English county of Devon; more than in any other country even.

One percent of Greenland's entire population lives in just one apartment block in the capital city.

In Las Vegas, casinos do not have clocks.

'My living in Yorkshire was so far out of the way that it was eleven miles away from a lemon.' - Sydney Smith, clergyman, essayist and wit (1771-1845)

'You can always tell a Yorkshireman...but you can't tell him much.' - anon

'I would have died for Yorkshire. I suppose once or twice I did.' Brian Close, cricketer

'In an England cricket team, the flesh may be of the South, but the bone is of the North, and the backbone is Yorkshire.' - Len Hutton, cricketer

These are my favourites:

Rhubarb and pineapple are poisonous when eaten together.

If you eat food standing up, it's effectively fat free.

If you sneeze with your eyes open, they'll pop out.

Killing a spider will make it rain the next day.

Don't sing at the table; you'll marry a crazy person.

When making the bed, don't interrupt your work or you'll spend a restless night in it.

Some online dictionaries and language related resources.

Hacker's Dictionary

Swedish Idioms In Painfully Literal Translations

The Online Dictionary Of Decadence

Learn How To Swear In German

The Totally Unofficial Rap Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary

Since installing StatCounter I'm able to identify the specific companies or organisations where people are accessing my blog. It seems that most people read my blog at home, but here's the list so far:

Parkland Memorial Hospital, Texas, USA
Gwent College of Higher Education, Newport
Hamilton Public Library, Ontario, Canada
Catholic University of Leuven, Belgium
University of Michigan, USA
Drexel University, Philadelphia, USA
British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC)
Oxford Brookes University
University of Oxford
University of Leeds
Chrysler Motors (UK)
Fort Benning U.S. Army Base, Georgia, USA
Glasgow Library Services

[Only the ones with the more interesting titles]

Colorado - Where The Columbines Grow

Connecticut - Yankee Doodle

Florida - Old Folks At Home

Indiana - On The Banks Of The Wabash, Far Away

Kansas - Home On The Range

Kentucky - My Old Kentucky Home

North Carolina - The Old North State

Tennessee - Rocky Top

Vermont - These Green Mountains

aquabib - a water drinker

ascoliasm - boys' game of beating each other with gloves while hopping

brephophagist - one who eats babies

cacatory - accompanied by loose bowels

foppotee - a simpleton

gelicide - frost

mingent - discharging urine

molrowing - consorting with prostitutes

gropecunt - prostitute

privign - stepson

speustic - made or baked in haste

stiricide - falling of icicles from a building

tussicate - to cough

weequashing - spearing of fish or eels by torchlight from a canoe

welmish - a pale or sickly colour

By contributors to an online forum:

English is essentially bad Dutch with outrageously pronounced French and Latin vocabulary.

English is essentially Norse as spoken by a gang of French thugs.

English is essentially a language that uses vowels no other language will accept.

English is essentially German spoken in the mouth rather than the throat.

English is essentially Low German plus even lower French minus any sense of culture.

English is what you get from Normans trying to pick up Saxon girls.

Written English is essentially a variety of Old French invented by someone who spoke only Saxon and read only Latin.

English is essentially all exceptions and no rules.

George W. Bush - 'Yes, America can!'
- 'Reformer with results.'
- 'Real plans for real people.'
- 'Leave no child behind.'
- 'Compassionate Conservatism.'

Bill Clinton - 'Building a bridge to the 21st century.'
- 'Putting people first.'
- 'Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.'

George Bush Snr. - A kinder, gentler nation.'

Ronald Reagan - 'It's morning again in America.'

Jimmy Carter - 'Not just peanuts.'

The Crabby Oyster - Virginia, USA

The Happy Clam - Fredericksburg, Virginia, USA

Chip 'n' Dales - New Jersey

A Salt & Battery - a fish & chip shop in New York City

Rehab - a bar serving food in New York City

Cabbage & Condoms - Bangkok, Thailand

The Horny Toad - Arizona, USA

The Satisfied Frog, Arizona, USA

Wok 'n' Roll Sushi - Pasadena, California, USA

The 'Lettuce Entertainment You' chain of restaurants - Chicago, Illinois, USA

Man Bites Dog - frankfurter stand

The Hard Disk Cafe - Silicon Valley, USA

Hung Far Low - Chinese restaurant in Portland, Oregon, USA

Beau Thai - Thai restaurant in Sydney, Australia

Although I've got a sister who lives in Adelaide, due to the influence of Hollywood films I'm much more exposed to American English. Fortunately there are fewer specifically Australian words and phrases.

Here's the list: I suppose I could guess at some of the meanings.

bludger
bottle shop
cut lunch
esky
grazier
lamington
offsider
ropable
shellacking
shonky
shopstealing
sunbake
ant's pants
arvo
Aussie salute
battlers
beyond the black stump
big bickies
bluey
boss cocky
bunny rug
chyack
dinky di
don't end up in a picnic
spit the dummy
end up a gum tree
fang it
furphy
gone troppo
good guts
half your luck
hard yacker
hooroo
illywhacker
king brown
motser
nong
ocker
open slather
pash
poddy-dodger
pollie
sanger
she'll be apples
shivoo
smoko
sook
stickybeak
underdaks
willy-willy
wowser

Since Mrs. Windsor [The Queen] is celebrating her official 80th birthday today I thought I'd post this short list.

A pair of cowboy boots
A collection of shells
A Maori canoe
A model of the Gold State Coach
A porcelain wine bottle cooler in the shape of a giant grasshopper
Seven kilogrammes of prawns
A grove of maple trees

A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened out.

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every category of the Dewey decimal system used by libraries.

The U.S. state with the longest coastline is Michigan, which is actually landlocked - its coastline is really the shoreline created by Lake Michigan and Lake Huron.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Australia - The Lucky Country

Canada - 51st State
A Few Acres Of Snow

France - The Church's Older Daughter

Iceland - Land Of The Midnight Sun
Land Forgotten By God

Ireland - The Emerald Isle
- Land Of Saints And Scholars
- Poor Old Woman
- Silk Of The Kine

Israel - Land Of Milk And Honey

Japan - Land Of The Rising Sun

Korea - The Hermit Kingdom

Lebanon - The Pearl Of The Mediterranean

New Zealand - God's Own Country [This nickname is also used by Yorkshire]
- Land Of The Long White Shroud

Singapore - The Garden City

Slovenia - 'On the sunny side of the Alps'

South Africa - Rainbow Nation

Switzerland - Land Of Chocolate And Cuckoo Clocks

United Kingdom - 51st State
- Perfidious Albion
- The Soggy Isles
- This Sceptered Isle

USA - Uncle Sam
- Lady Liberty
- Home Of The Brave
- Land Of The Free
- Great Satan

The Philippines - the Pearl Of The Orient

Alcester
Alnwick
Altrincham
Barugh
Belvoir
Bicester
Chiswick
Cholmondeley
Featherstonehaugh
Gloucester
Greenwich
Happisburgh
Holborn
Keighley
Keswick
Leicester
Leominster
Lympne
Meopham
Mousehole
Rievaulx
Salisbury
Slaithwaite
Smethwick
Southwark
Southwell
Towcester
Warwick
Woolfordisworthy
Worcester
Wymondham

I was watching Frickley Athletic play at home and was knocked out for a few seconds when I was hit full-on in the face by the ball, falling and banging my head on a stanchion in the stand. This meant that the game had to be stopped for a few minutes so that I could receive treatment, from both physios.

Since the game was featured on the pools that week (as Frickley's matches were several times a season) the dividend forecast at the end of Grandstand was still waiting for the one result when the programme ended...it had to be included at the end of the regular news report which followed.

My one claim to fame, I suppose!

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Wrong Way - Do Not Enter

Notice. Thank you for noticing this new notice. Your noticing has been noted and will be reported to the authorities.

Caution. Drunks Crossing

Walk with green light

Quiet zone

Reservoir entrance 300ft

Solicitation by permit only

Returning to one of my favourite topics; here's another batch.

Head of Achievement and Inclusion
Routes To Employment Worker
Family Group Intervention Specialist
Resettlement Worker
Person-Centred Facilitator
Fusion Co-ordinator
Lifeline Prison Drug Throughcare Worker [this is actually the first time I've encountered the word 'throughcare']
12 Step Counsellor
Arts Education Officer (Domestic Violence)
Home From Hospital Manager
Benefits Take-Up Officer
Alcohol Support Workers

Some places where people have been accessing my blog:

Cebu, Philippines - the country's oldest city and a major tourist and business destination.

Delta, British Cloumbia, Canada

Tapei, Taiwan

Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, Canada

Marseilles, France

Dortmund, Germany

Barcelona, Spain - the Catalan capital, and one of the favourite places I've visited.

Dresden, Germany

Ft. Benning Army Base, Columbus, Georgia, USA

Milan, Italy

Istanbul, Turkey

Srinagar, India

Thanks to all of you.

I'm really enjoying myself knowing where people are, and then finding out about the place.

A couple of days ago I installed a 'view a map of my blog visitors' link into my header but it doesn't seem to be working properly. The click on button/sticker is fine, but the map is only displaying two visitors; one in London and the other on the Isle of Man. I'll leave it installed at the moment though because it's still a useful interactive mapping site.

I've also been adding various other buttons; visitor counters, stats and blog ranking sites that I've joined. I've also tried to install interesting features such as weather buttons and time displays, but none of them seem to work.

In my email inbox this morning there were three junk emails with the following subject titles.

Real Estate Fortunes For Lee
Unique Land Purchase Opportunity In Costa Rica
CSI Forensic Analyst: Training Opportunity

They obviously don't know my personal circumstances; so why do they bother? They were all sent by the same company, Opinionsforhire.com in Las Vegas. I tried clicking on their unsubscribe option to have my details removed from their mailing list and all I got was a message saying my email address doesn't exist.

I've been awake and downstairs blogging by five or five thirty for the last two mornings. It's always the same at this time of year with the light mornings compounded with hot and humid weather...I just can't sleep.

I'm always tired during the day though and am wanting to go to bed early in the evening, but realise that an early night will inevitably lead to my waking up even earlier in the morning. I don't relish being drowsy all the time and even dozing off during the football but I know that unfortunately this is quite normal for me - so, combined with the effects of hayfever, this isn't the best time of the year for me.

Words and phrases I immediately think of when I write down the names of the countries participating in the World Cup.

Germany: severe, autobahns, Naziism, war, science, lederhosen, beer

Costa Rica: coffee

Poland: partition

Ecuador: equator

England: reserve, yobs, English language, football

Paraguay: Nazi escapees

Sweden: IKAE, Abba

Trinidad & Tobago: cricket, calypso

Argentina: Falklands' War, 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina', military junta

Ivory Coast: cocoa beans?

Serbia & Montenegro: Milosevic

Netherlands: clogs, dykes, 'Double Dutch'

Mexico: illegal immigrants, chilli

Iran: ayatollah, ancient Persians

Angola: civil war

Portugal: port, madeira cake, allies, explorers

Italy: Romans, wine

Czech Republic: Franz Kafka

USA: George W. Bush, Hollywood, War in Iraq

Ghana: cocoa beans, slave trade

Brazil: nuts, samba, football, beaches

Japan: honour, kamikaze, company men, minimalism, haiku [of course!]

Australia: cricket, kangaroos

Croatia: tie (cravat)

France: cuisine, Norman Conquest, snails, frogs' legs, students

Togo: absolutely nothing

South Korea: Moonies

Switzerland: cheese, cuckoo clocks, efficient public transport

Spain: cheap package holidays

Ukraine: Chernobyl, Cossacks

Tunisia: Carthage

Saudi Arabia: oil, desert

An urn filled with a man's ashes.

Artificial legs.

A 14ft boat.

A park bench.

Breast implants.

Human skulls.

A jar of bull's semen.

A vasectomy kit

And, yes....even a kitchen sink!

In Chinese, the words for 'crisis' and 'opportunity' are the same.

The Sanskrit word for 'war' originally meant 'desire for more cows.'

The word 'samba' in its original language means 'to rub navels together.'

Alan Smithee - name used on film credits when the director wishes to remain anonymous.

John/Jane Doe - used for classifying dead bodies of unidentified persons in U.S..

Uncle Sam - personification of U.S. government.

John Bull - personification of the British spirit.

Joe Bloggs - personification of the average man in the street.

Man or woman on the Clapham omnibus - personification of the average British voter.

'I love you.' - Rocky (1976)

'I'll be right here.' E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982)

'I'm too old for this.' - Lethal Weapon (1987)

'I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend round for dinner. Bye.' - The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' - Love Story (1970)

'I was cured alright.' - A Clockwork Orange (1971)

'He was the most extraordinary man I ever knew.' - Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

'I believe in America.' - The Godfather (1972)

'Alright, Curly, enough's enough. You can't eat the Venetian blinds: I just had 'em installed on Wednesday.' - Chinatown (1974)

'Will you just watch the hair? You know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it.' - Saturday Night Fever (1977)

'Please Sir, I want some more.' - Oliver! (1968)

Andorra - The Great Charlemagne

Bhutan - The Thunder Dragon Kingdom

Brittany - Land of my Fathers (same title as the Welsh National Anthem...I don't know if it's the same tune though)

Burkina Faso - One Single Night

Kurdistan - the title can be translated as meaning either 'Hey Guardian' or 'Hey Enemy'

Senegal - Pluck Your Koras and Strike the Balafons [I suppose koras and balafons are musical instruments]

'Friends applaud, the comedy is over.' - Ludwig van Beethoven

'It was a great game.' - Bing Crosby

'Never felt better.' - Douglas Fairbanks Snr

'Bugger Bognor.' - King George V

'Good night.' - Lord Byron

'This is funny.' - Doc Holliday

'I'm bored with it all.' - Winston Churchill

'Put out the light.' - Teddy Roosevelt

'Good bye...why am I haemorrhaging?' - Boris Pasternak

'Either the wallpaper goes, or I do.' - Oscar Wilde

Some of the lesser known characters, villains or super heroes appearing in Marvel Comics. I'd not previously come across any of these.

Ant Man
Wonderman
Balder the Brave
Captain America
Captain Britain
Captain Planet
Captain Savage
Citizen V
Comet Man
Darkdevil
Darkhawk
Darkman
The Destroyer
Devil Dinosaur
Dr. Strange
Earthworm Jim
Kid Colt
Howard the Duck
Iceman
John Carter - Warlord of Mars
Machine Man
Magneto Man
Mandrake the Magician
Meteor Man
Mort the Dead Teenager
Nightcrawler
The Outlaw Kid
Power Pachyderms

I couldn't find any details about English folk medicine - Ireland seemed near enough though.

The touch from the hand of a seventh son cures the bite of a mad dog.

An eel's skin tied round the knee alleviates pain.

For removing a stye on the eyelid - point a gooseberry thorn at it nine times saying "Away! Away! Away!"

To avoid toothache never shave on a Sunday.

To cure stomach disorders tie a bunch of mint around your wrist.

With the film, 'The Da Vinci Code' being shown in cinemas at the moment I thought I'd concentrate on the work of Leonardo the scientist.

Here's a list of some of his initial concepts which where subsequently developed:

Armoured car
Glider
Parachute
Anemometer
Inclinometer
Odometer
Paddle boat
Helicopter
Diving bell.

To begin with, Doncaster's motto is 'Be Steadfast.'

Barnsley - 'Judge us by our actions.'
Rotherham - 'By Industry & Honour.'
Selby - 'Moving Forward With Purpose.'
Pontefract -'After The Death Of The Father, We Support The Son.' (This is a reference to the town's Civil War Royalist sympathies.)
Castleford -'Boldly & Frankly.'
Scunthorpe -'The Heavens Reflect Our Labours.'
Goole -'Advance.'

Of course, all these mottos are translated into Latin when they appear on the towns' coats of arms.

Unfortunately I've not been able to find the mottos of Worksop, Gainsborough and Retford.

This list does a pretty good job in summing up the geography, history and regional heritage of the country.

Atlantic Coast Express
Brighton Belle
Caledonian Sleeper
Cambrian Coast Express
Cathedral Express
Cheltenham Spa Express
Cornish Riviera Express
Cornish Scot
The Cornishman
Coronation Scot
Cotswolds & Malvern Express
Devon Belle
Devon Scot
The Devonian
Dorset Scot
Welsh Dragon
Flying Scotsman
Golden Arrow
The Golden Hind
Highland Chieftain
The Hull Executive
Irish Mail
The Master Cutler
The Mayflower
The Midland Express
Night Ferry
Night Riviera
Northern Lights
Pines Express
The Queen of Scots
The Red Dragon
The Robin Hood
The Royal Duchy
Royal Scot
The Saint David
Silver Jubilee
Sussex Scot
Torbay Express
Wessex Scot

Abigail
Abraham
Acorn
Aladdin
Albert
Alice & Francis
Angler
Ann & Christopher
Ann & Judith
Benjamin & Ann
Buttercup
Candytuft
Chrysanthemum
Cowslip
Daniel
Elizabeth & Sarah
Enchantress
Fair Rosamund
Fairy Queen
Glowworm
Happy Return
James & Eliza
Jesus & Mary
Jesus
John & Sarah
John & Martha
Keith
Kilbrittain
Love & Friendship
Mary & John
Midge
Mosquito
Pantaloon
Pickle
Quorn
Snowflake
Valentine
Wallflower

It's spacious, airy and well-lit and the passenger concourse is separated from where the buses wait so there's no problem with breathing in exhaust fumes.

There are screens at every departure bay detailing services, and the toilets are even free - this is an improvement on the two prior bus stations.

As for the extension to the shopping centre; it's pretty much the same as anywhere else in England - most of it is still empty though.

Today is the day when the new Transport Interchange opens in Doncaster, finally linking the railway station to the now expanded bus station and allowing all the bus services in town to start and finish from the same location.

It should be very busy; in fact this new combined interchange will be the second busiest in the country after King's Cross/St. Pancras in London.

And yet there's more...the new extension to the Frenchgate Shopping Centre with integrated direct access to the trains and buses is also opening (not all of the shop units are let or open yet though).

As usual I'll be popping in to town at about nine o'clock, and will report back in my next posting everything I see.

It's official; I've adopted a footpath - Barnburgh Number 1 Path. I know it well, I wouldn't say it's a particularly beautiful route; across open fields for about a mile and a half. There is some good limestone ridge walks within only a few hundred yards though.

I've received all the official paperwork; photcopies of large scale maps of the areas, postage pre-paid report cards (although the office is only at the end of my street, so I might as well hand them in personally), a guide to the legal access to the variously defined rights of way in the countryside and a handbook produced by the local council called 'A-Z of problems and issues affecting Public Rights of Way.'

Some of the issues identified that I would need to report:

Barbed Wire
Bulls and Dangerous Animals
Competitions and Speed Trials
Crops on Public Rights of Way
Dangerous Land Adjoining A Public Right Of Way
Electric Fences
The Use Of Firearms On Public Rights Of Way
Hedges And Trees Adjacent To Public Rights Of Way
Misleading Signs And Notices Erected On Public Rights Of Way
Use Of Pesticides And Herbicides
Ploughing And Crops On Public Rights Of Way
Rope Across A Public Right Of Way
Stiles And Gates On Footpaths And Bridleways
Surfaces On Public Rights Of Way
Trees And Branches Fallen Across Public Rights Of Way
Width Of Public Rights Of Ways

West Riding County Council
Post Office Telecommunications
Pounds, Shillings and Pence
colour television
black and white only
monochrome television
VHF
close down
wavelength
Employment Exchange
grammar schools
secondary modern
apprenticeship
eleven plus
EEC
Common Market
Three Day Week
Social Contract
The Liberal Party
flying pickets
secondary picketing
East/West Germany
Soviet Union/USSR
Yugoslavia
half day closing
shared line
British Railways Board
National Coal Board

John Humphreys - made the model of the 'Rockwell Alien' that appears in the autopsy video.

Doug & Dave - claimed to have made all the crop circles to appear in England for several years.

Frank Searle - faker of most famous Loch Ness Monster (Nessie) photograph.

Wearside Jack (John Humble) - claimed to be the Yorkshire Ripper in a tape recording sent to police.

Orson Welles - his 1938 broadcast of 'War of the Worlds' reporting on a Martian invasion of the USA caused widespread panic.

Decatur, Georgia, USA: A city of homes, churches and schools.

San Francisco: The City by the Bay
The City That Knows How

Atlanta, Georgia, USA: The Horizon City
The Big Peach

New York: The Big Apple

Hamilton, Ontario, Canada: Together Aspire, Together Achieve

Portland, Oregon, USA: City of Roses

Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA: Tree Town

Montreal, Canada: Wellbeing through harmony

Caracas, Venezuela: Branch of Heaven

Singapore: Onward, Singapore

Durham, North Carolina, USA: City of Medicine

Chicago, Illinois, USA: The Windy City
City in a Garden

Malacca, Malaysia: United We Stand

Many thanks to the people in these cities for reading my blog; it's nice to be able to reach out across the world.

Thanks too to the people in many other places for which I haven't managed to find out your city's motto or nickname.

By the way, for anyone who's interested Doncaster's motto is 'Be Steadfast.'

Some of the occasions when President George W. Bush seemed to be struggling with the English language...or probably was just really confused.

'I aim to be a competitive nation.'

'If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they would proliferate.'

'It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to our country and get them out of harm's way.'

'I believe that as quickly as possible, young cows ought to be allowed to go across our border.'

'I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.'

'I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.'

'Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame.'

Jerusalem - currently used by the England cricket team.

There'll Always Be An England

I Vow To Thee My Country

The White Cliffs Of Dover

Of course there isn't an English National Anthem and so the British National Anthem (God Save The Queen) will be played...a more miserable piece of music it would be difficult to find.

A place in France (it's actually spelled with an acute accent on the final 'e'.)

A well-known manufacturer of jeans...yes, my name is prominently featured on millions of backsides!

A lava-flooded remnant of a crater on the Moon.

The second most common family name in Korea.

The side of a ship or island sheltered from the wind.

For some reason they like to incorporate English sounding words into the design and marketing of the products - even if they don't know what they mean.

Here are some examples:

Eye Power
Air Smash
Hacker
Coming
Crack Up
Men's Pocky Chocolate
Chocoball
Crunky Kids
Woody

I'm listening to the cricket commentary online and thought I'd take a break from what I'm doing and just list some of the stranger cricketing terms.

silly point
silly mid-on
square leg
bowl a maiden over
Chinaman
cow corner
knock up
leg break
long hop
hooker
nightwatchman
quickie
sticky wicket
duck
golden duck
googly

I watch a lot of science fiction and am a fan of Star Trek; although I do find it to be a bit too idealistic.

In 1993 a study found that US schoolchildren learn more about science from Star Trek than from any other source.

Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up Scotty!"

In the hallways of the USS Enterprise there are tubes marked 'GNDN'. the initials stand for 'goes nowhere, does nothing.'

gigi rongak (Malay) - the space between teeth

bakku-shan (Japanese) - a girl who appears pretty from behind, but not from the front

Putzfimmel (German) - a mania for cleaning

uitwaaien (Dutch) - walking in windy weather just for fun

It's only about twenty five miles east of Doncaster but I've only crossed it twice; once on a bus and once on foot.

The Humber Bridge is now the fourth longest single-span suspension bridge in the world with a central span of 1410 metres (4624 ft). At the time of its completion in 1981 it was the longest.

The bridge is constantly moving. It bends more than three metres in the middle during high winds.

A Japanese container ship bears the name 'Humber Bridge'.

A list of American terms where I'm not sure of the meaning, but in most cases would probably guess correctly anyhow.

ziploc bag
graham crackers
attached home
bandshell
barrette
baseboard
billfold
blood sausage
bobby pin
bouillon cube
breakdown lane
broad jump
browm bag lunch
chifforobe
cilantro
comforter
crawl space
crosswalk
davenport
denatured alcohol
fanny pack
docent
feminine napkin
flatware
goatsucker
green thumbs
heavy cream
hopper ball
initimate apparel
lightning bug
military time
nightstick
powdered sugar
proctor
snowpack
stemware
switchyard
undershirt
weed wacker

It's now 10:40 and the live cricket commentary of the second day of the third test between England and Sri Lanka starts at eleven o'clock.

Here are a few facts and trivia about cricket.

There are ten ways in which a batsman can be out.
1...Caught
2...Bowled
3...Leg Before Wicket
4...Run Out
5...Stumped
6...Hit Wicket
7...Handling The Ball
8...Obstructing The Field
9...Hitting The Ball Twice
10..Timed Out

(The last four are extremely rare)

The first international cricket match ever held was between Canada and the USA.

In a Trophy Final in Karachi, Pakistan in 1958 the scorecard read:
1st Innings: Abdul Aziz retired hurt 0
2nd Innings: Abdul Aziz, did not bat (dead) 0

Also in 1958, playing against New Zealand at Headingley, England's innings was opened by batsmen who were also capped players for England at football and rugby.

Marc Almond (Soft Cell) - pornographic fim maker.

Billy Bragg - goatheard

Debbie Harry (Blondie) - Playboy bunny.

Barry Manilow - pianist in a gay sauna.

Red Stewart - grave digger.

Debbie Harry is the only person on this list I really like.

It's only twenty minutes on the train and I visit whenever cheap tickets are available.

York is reputed to be the most haunted city in the world.

Whip-Ma-Whop-Ma-Gate is the shortest street in York and has the longest name.

It is still technically legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow on the Knavesmire (where the racecourse is situated) - except on a Sunday.

These are rather appropriate since the World Cup starts next Friday. All the matches will be live on TV...and I'll be watching most of them.

'Unfortunately we keep kicking ourselves in the foot.' - Ray Wilkins (BBC)

'The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day.' - Chris Jones (Evening Standard)

'I wouldn't say he's the best winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.' - Ron Atkinson

'An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.' - Dave Bassett

'Both sides have scored a couple of goals and both sides have conceded a couple of goals.' - Peter White (BBC)

'I never make predictions, and I never will.' - Paul Gascoigne

'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.' - John Greig (BBC)

'In terms of the Richter Scale that defeat was a force eight gale.' - John Lyall (BBC)

Deranged female on the track.

Driver abandons train.

Driver having his teabreak.

Driver held up in traffic jam.

Driver walked off to collect kids from school.

Exploding pigeon.

Herons mating.

Rat self-destructed whilst chewing through cable.

Rioting football fans on train.

Snow at North Pole (North Pole is the name of Eurostar depot in London)

'Some charlie's used an alarm handle as a coat hook'

'There will be no further trains today due to a giraffe becoming entangled in the overhead wires' - although not true, this was actually said...the station announcer had had a particularly stressful day!

Also known as the A1 for most of its length, runs through Doncaster Town Centre (although the section actually running through the town centre has been reclassified as the A638 since the construction of the A1(M) western bypass about forty years ago.)

The Great North Road is the longest numbered route in the UK - it is 409 miles long and runs from London to Edinburgh; certain sections south of Newcastle following the original courses of Roman roads.

The East Coast Main Line railway follows an almost identical course and the start and end of it are both within only a few yards of the corresponding points for the road.

The similarities between blogging and hula dancing.

A blog isn't just for Christmas.

Why authors should blog.

When you blog you are not in the pub.

Blogging is a great career move.

The blog is mightier than the bomb.

The truth about cats and blogs.