On Dublin Dry Cleaners : Shirts €4, OAPs € 2

On an electrician's truck : Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity clothes shop : We are open on Labour Day.

Optometrist's office : If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Taxidermist window : We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's window : Time wounds all heels.

Used car lot : Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

Car dealership : The best way to get back on your feet - miss a payment.

Panelbeater's : May we have the next dents?

In an office : We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.

The electricity company : We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Diner window : Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling alley : Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria : Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

There's a problem on the site with logging in. In order to work around it, you have to go to any profile and click on 'send a message' and then you are able to log in. I hope this is only temporary; it's probably something to do with the site maintenance work that's just been completed.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offence, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

The value of Pi is set at 3 by legal statute.

Curriculum-based study materials for Australian teachers and students.

Some of the videos available:

Aboriginal People Make A Canoe And Hunt A Turtle

An Australian Greek Wife

The Art Of Cattle Droving

Cane Cutters And Mateship

How To Cause A Traffic Jam

In England, while it's an offence to drop litter on the pavement, it's not an offence to throw it over someone's garden wall.

Nicole Kidman is afraid of butterflies.

WD-40 dissolves cocaine - it has been used by a pub landlord to prevent drug-taking in his pub's toilets.

The Queen has never used a computer.

'Restaurant' is the most mis-spelled word in search engine enquiries [I'm not sure about this one; variant spellings are used in several different languages and these might be counted as incorrect spelling in English.]

Croydon has more CCTV cameras than New York.

I've just been watching Sky News and the presenter was interviewing the cricket commentator Richie Benaud, and thought that the place where he's staying, Chapel-en-le-Frith in Derbyshire, is in France. Bloody idiot!

Films that were shot on location in the county.

Billy Liar (1963) - Baildon, Bradford, Ilkley Moor

The Entertainer (1960) - Bradford

Kes (1969) - Barnsley

The Railway Children - Keighley, Haworth

Rita, Sue and Bob Too - Bradford

Sunday, Bloody Sunday (1971) - Doncaster

This Sporting Life (1963) - Wakefield

Next mood swing. Six minutes.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

For the last few days I've been receiving emails that aren't addressed to me; some of the addresses are a bit similar to mine but others bear no resemblence at all.

What's happening? Is this happening to other people? Are some of my emails being delivered to the wrong person?

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.

Kites may not be flown within the city limits.

In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and
have the correct permit.

I spend a lot of time online looking at maps; imagining visiting the places depicted.

Here are some unusual maps I've found listed.

Coca-Cola Map of the World - maps Coca-Cola consumption per capita by country.

Going Underground - plots the history of twentieth century music on the London Underground.

Guide to Springfield, U.S.A. - a highly detailed map of the Simpsons' hometown.

If I Dig A Very Deep Hole, Where Will I Stop? - click on any place on Earth to see its exact antipodal location.

National Public Toilets Map (Australia)

Beancounter - accountant

Wood butcher - carpenter

Sawbones - doctor

Roughneck - oil rigger

Shovelbum - archaeological digger

Shrink - psychiatrist

Spook - intelligence agent

I've just returned from my appointment with the doctor and he's going to make me an appointment to see the orthopaedic surgeon at the hospital. I require an exploratory operation and possibly some damaged cartilage scraping away. My doctor had the same opeation himself at about my age and thoroughly recommends it.

In the meantime though, he's prescribed me some tablets to lessen the swelling and ease the pain.

Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!
--bumper sticker

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
--Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good.
--Lora Brody, author of Growing Up on the Chocolate Diet

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies..
--John Q. Tullius

I never met a chocolate I didn't like.
--Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love.
Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is,
let's face it, far more reliable than a man.
--Miranda Ingram

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.
--Unknown

The superiority of chocolate, both for health and nourishment,
will soon give it the same preference over tea and coffee in
America which it has in Spain.
--Thomas Jefferson

There are four basic food groups, milk chocolate, dark chocolate,
white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.
--Unknown

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces
with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces
--Judith Viorst

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate.
--Patrick Skene Catling

If one swallows a cup of chocolate only three hours after a
copious lunch, everything will be perfectly digested and there
will still be room for dinner.
--Brillat-Savarin

Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso.
(Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.)
--Spanish proverb

Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate.
--John Milton, The Devils Advocate

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept,
chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate!
I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?
--Marquise de Sevigne, February 11, 1677

Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.
--Truman Capote

What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a
lifetime of chocolate.
--Katharine Hepburn

Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious,
a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. it is the
best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.
--Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist

I've decided. I'm going to make an appointment to see the doctor later this morning. Since my right knee gave way about a month ago it has been been painful whenever I move it in certain positions. I'm not sure what the doctor can do though; maybe book me for an x-ray and then some manipulation or physiotherapy.

For the last few years now, both knees have been giving way several times a year, but after a bit of manipulation by myself, a loud crack and a simultaneous burst of pain I've been fine; but not this time...it just feels different.

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner's office.

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

Signs are required to be written in English.

No-one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner's office.

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

Signs are required to be written in English.

No-one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

Doncaster, Victoria: a suburb of Melbourne.

Scarborough: the capital of the island of Tobago.

Hull, Quebec, Canada: a centre for service industries and government offices. Also site of Canadian Museum of Civilisation, a hydro-electricity plant and a large casino.

Sheffield: several small cities in USA.

Halifax: capital of Nova Scotia, Canada. A major port.

Richmond, Virginia: Civil War capital of the Confederate States. (Of course, could be named after Richmond, Surrey - I don't know.)

York: a suburb of Toronto, Canada with its own university.

Doggie Poop Freeze Wand

Mug Incorporating A Simulated Artificial Horizon

User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks.

Method and apparatus for making a drink hop along a bar or counter.

Protective underwear with malodorous flatus filter.

Carvable artificial pumpkin, and method.

I've just had my mock interview for a proofreading job at the office where I'm attending my employment scheme.

In the feedback session I was told that I performed well with my verbal responses and technical knowledge but my body language was awful, making me appear very sinister. There's not a lot I can do about that though; if I know how to do the job that's all that should matter.

(As written in official transcripts.)

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe that the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swear they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your honour, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

It is illegal to skateboard without a licence.

Anyone to care to make any suggestions?

dropkick
Godzone
chunder
jandals
claytons
longdrop
pack a sad
scarfie
cuzzie bro
flatting
freezing works

These are actual statements taken from cards, letters and forms recieved by public assistance agencies.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

(In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?") My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass.

Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October.

The Don Gorge, River Don and weir at Sprotborough.

Walking across Conisbrough Viaduct.

Travelling by barge across the Don Aqueduct and the Went Aqueduct.

Thorne Moors.

Cusworth Hall and Country Park.

The magnesian limestone ridge country in the west of the borough.

Blog visitors are eleven percent more likely than the average internet user to have an annual income in excess of £75,000.

Blog visitors are thity percent more likely than the average internet user to live in households where the head of the household is 18 to 34 years old.

Blog visitors are eleven percent more likely to access the internet using a broadband connexion.

Only the last statistic applies to me.

Take A Chance

Cause Celebre

Call The Tune

A Dangerous Liaison

Topscore Contradiction

Forever Young

Ozmillion Mystification

Chicago Bear

Hit And Miss From Brocolita

Moon Pilot

Starlite Express At Valsetta

Ginger Xmas Carol

Saxonsprings Hackensack

Bournehouse Dancing Master

Bossy Boots

Puckshill Amber Sunblush

It makes you wonder what their owners actually shout when calling them.

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

'Beam me up, Scotty.' - never actually said by William Shatner when playing Captain Kirk in the original series of Star Trek. The quote was used in the later cartoon series though.

'Blood, Sweat and Tears' - Winston Churhill. Actual quote, 'I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.'

'Elementary, my dear Watson.' - never appeared in the Conan Doyle books, only ever used in films and TV productions.

'Me Tarzan, you Jane.' - occurs in none of the Tarzan films or the books by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

'Play it again Sam.' - actual quote, 'Play it Sam, for old times' sake.'

'To gild the lily.' - Shakespeare. Original quote, 'To gild refind gold, to paint the lily.'

'You dirty rat.' - never said by James Cagney in any film.

I found mention of these on a cult TV website.

A Very Peculiar Practice

The Beiderbecke Tapes/Affair

Twin Peaks

Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Wild Palms

Babylon 5

Blake's Seven

The Goodies

The League Of Gentlemen

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

The Saint

The Persuaders!

The Protectors

The Quatermess Experiment
Quatermass And The Pit

The Saint

Sapphire & Steel

Happy Days

Space 1999

Star Trek

The Sweeney

Thunderbirds

UFO

The X-Files

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Bogies may not be flicked into the wind.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Another posting on the subject of language. If I remember correctly, I think these examples all come from America.

death - take a dirt nap

God - dad gum

Jesus - cheese and ice

urine - gypsies' kiss

defecate - pinch a loaf, pump a duke, drop trout

toilets - the porcelain god, the big white telephone

During my lifetime certain words and phrases have been replaced by others, mainly for politically correct reasons I suppose. In this list of some examples I can think of, the first word or phrase is the original as I remember it, and the second the current preferred replacement.

jungle - rainforest

Mongol - Doenes' Syndrome

queer, homosexual - gay

unemployed - jobseeker

refugee - asylum seeker

coloured - African-American, Afro-Caribbean

handicapped - disabled (now differently abled)

old age pensioner (OAP) - senior citizen

blind - visually-impaired

Alsatian (dog) - German Shepherd

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees:

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and
kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes
later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty
by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how
to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing
up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates:

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your