When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Three kids of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts--the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the borax
contains the bowls, of which there are five--a, e, i, o, and u.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Before giving a transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.

I found this list on an American site; they seemed to be having some fun with it.

Aberdeen Nips
Beef Cecils
Black Pudding
Bubble and Squeak
Clapshot
Cullen Skink
Dean's Cream
Fitless Cock
Flummery
Girdle Sponges
Hob Nobs
Huffkins
Hunter's Buns
Love in Disguise
Inky Pinky
Knickerbocker Glory
Marmite
Priddy Oggies
Scouse
Singing Hinnies
Slot
Spotted Dick
Toad-in-the-hole
Wet Nelly
Wow-Wow Sauce

At the start of The Simpsons, Bart Simpson writes something on the blackboard. Below you can find a list of the Top 30 Things that Bart Simpson writes on the blackboard during detention.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with 'Hail Satan.'
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not yell ' She's Dead ' at roll call.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not teach others to fly.
A burp is not an answer.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
'Bart Bucks' are not legal tender.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not a dentist.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not aim for the head.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not bring sheep to class.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not call my teacher ' Hot Cakes.'
I will not belch the National Anthem.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will finish what I sta

Overnight I've received a strange email. These are the exact contents of the message.

the buttons for him...
"Then,Fletch," that bright creature said to him, and the voice was pylon; it hovered for a second over the road-- or did I just imagine there who might be struggling to break out of his limbs to see the

It seems to be a tiny fragment of a novel. The email itself wasn't even addressed to me; the name of someone called Catherine appeared in the address bar.