Posts archive for: August, 2006
  • Obesity Blackspots.

    The BBC website has published a list of towns with the highest incidence of obesity and the neighbouring town of Barnsley is included.

    This doesn't surprise me. Barnsley is a poor town with a legacy of poor health due to its mining/industrial heritage - like the rest of the towns on the list.

    When you're poor you don't have easy access to cheap, nutritional food; or the appropriate sporting/exercise facilities, you can't eat healthily and live a healthy lifestyle. Additionally...what about the ex-miner (a coalface ripper for example) who needed to consume over six thousand calories a day just so that he could do his job; when they closed the pit was he supposed to start eating salads?

    By the way; I've just checked my own details, and at 6 ft. 2 ins. tall and weighing just over seventeen stones I'm classed as obese myself.

    According to the chart my ideal weight should be between eleven and thirteen stones...what a joke - if I were to lose six stone in weight I'd be bloody malnourished!

  • Strange Laws In Wisconsin

    Because people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

    Condoms were considered an obsene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter.

    At one time, margarine was illegal.

    State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

    The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife.

    While all cheese making requires a licence, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's licence.

    It is illegal to kiss on a train.

    It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.

    Margarine may not be substituted for butter in restaurants unless it is requested by the customer.

  • More funny signs/labels/headlines.

    The elevator must know.

    Hot Walter, Cold Walter.

    Pakistani troops beat off militants.

    Ruck suck 3045 Yen.

    This cute mild curry uses 100% Japanese apple and cheerful hamster.

  • Strange auctions recently appearing on eBay.

    Siamese twin duckling

    mixture of farts in a bottle

    fish tank made from embalming machine

    Solar System on toast

    bar brawl teeth

    advertise on my prosthetic leg

    carpet from Nixon Watergate office break-in

    dirt from inside Dracula's castle

    the devil in my pancake

    saxophone haunted with ghost of Bleakbeard, the pirate

    penny with silhouette of Christ

    bad luck in a jar

    name a urinal

  • A list of adjectives that are actually U.S. placenames.

    Eclectic
    Carefree
    Strong
    Hasty
    Blunt
    Cool
    Hardy
    Frostproof
    Normal
    Oblong
    Fickle
    Diagonal
    Busy
    Ordinary
    Waterproof
    Boring
    Gay
    Fertile
    Savage
    Basic
    Askew
    Chunky
    Peculiar
    Useful
    Concrete
    Drab
    Ideal
    Defeated
    Difficult
    Static
    Happy
    Humble
    Uncertain
    Junior
    Odd
    Quick

  • An A-Z of Chocolate Trivia.

    A to Z of Chocolate Trivia

    Alfred Hitchcock used chocolate syrup as blood in the shower scene in ‘Psycho’

    Bourneville was established as a model suburb in C19th Birmingham by Cadburys

    Chocolate’s scientific name, Theobroma Cacao means “food of the Gods”

    Dogs can find chocolate lethal

    Endorphins, which reduce pain, are released by the brain when eating chocolate

    First chocolate house reputedly opened in London in 1657

    German Chocolate Cake is named after Sam German of Dallas, Texas

    Husks in chocolate could help fight tooth decay claim researchers in Osaka, Japan

    Italian researchers claim women who eat chocolate enjoy better sex lives than those who don’t

    Juliette Binoche starred in the film ‘Chocolat’

    Kuna, a Pacific island, drink five cups of cocoa each day and have low blood pressure

    Love drug serotonin production is stimulated by chocolate

    Milk chocolate was not invented until 1875 by Daniel Peter of Switzerland

    Nineteenth century English chocolate was adulterated with Venetian lead

    On average 10kg of chocolate are consumed per person in the UK every year

    Procyanidin in chocolate reduces the chances of blood clots

    Queen Victoria sent specially made chocolate bars to soldiers fighting in the Boer War as a New Year’s greeting

    Real vanilla is only used in fine chocolate. Most household brands use artificial vanilla

    Stains caused by chocolate are the hardest to remove. The best solution is detergent and water

    Thirty four degrees centigrade. Chocolate melts at just below the temperature of the mouth

    UK consumption of chocolate exceeds half a million tons a year

    Vitamins A1, B1, B2, D and E can be found in chocolate

    West Africa produces most of the world’s cacao beans

    Xochiquetzel, the Aztec goddess of fertility associated with chocolate

    Z… there is nothing beginning with Z.

  • Seven Reasons For Visiting Greenland

    Greenland is one of the areas of the world I'd like to visit. Other places on my list are Iceland, Antarctica, Patagonia, Kamchatka and Siberia.

    No crowd. (On the area of double Great Britain, France and Germany only 56 000 people live. As you can imagine, it isn't very crowded. If you explore inland it's possible you don't meet anyone for a couple of days.
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    No heat. The warmest month in Greenland, July, has an average temperature of only 5C. Moreover, there's very dry air so you don't sweat. Sometimes it's a bit cold but it's much better to wear additional jumper than to sweat, isn't it?
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    No diseases. The climate is severe not only for people but also for bacteria - that's why there's no diseases you can catch in tropics. But if - in spite of this - you are ill, you can visit a doctor immediately. Health care in Greenland is free for everyone.
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    No worries. Greenlanders are friendly and they live without any rush - especially in summertime when the sun never sets. They can be late several hours without getting nervous. And, what's important, they are really far from global politics.
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    No social problems. (Although Greenlanders think they have a lot of social problems - they don't. They like alcohol but usually if they run out of money, they just stop drinking. And Greenland is the only country in the world where real (closed) jails don't exist.
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    No traffic jams. There's no roads between towns (boats and helicopters are more useful) and, although Greenlanders from towns like cars and taxis, in villages they prefer walking. There are only 45 cars for every 1000 people and 4 traffic lights in the whole country.
    WorldGuide: Greenland

    Dogs. There's 30 000 dogs in Greenland - one for every two persons. Greenlandic sledge dogs are not pets but in their own, special way they're friendly - and useful in wintertime. More recommendation is not necessary for these who like dogs!
    WorldGuide: Greenland

  • Unusual Names Of London Underground Stations.

    All Saints
    Angel
    Arsenal
    Bank
    Barbican
    Blackfriars
    Burnt Oak
    Canada Water
    Canary Wharf
    Custom House
    Cutty Sark for Maritime Greenwich
    Cyprus
    East India
    Elephant & Castle
    Embankment
    Gallions Reach
    Heron Quays
    King George V
    Manor House
    Mansion House
    Marble Arch
    Monument
    Mudchute
    New Cross
    Oval
    Pontoon Dock
    Poplar
    Prince Regent
    Royal Albert
    Royal Oak
    Royal Victoria
    Seven Sisters
    Shepherd's Bush
    Swiss Cottage
    Temple
    Tower Gateway

  • Some more interesting and unusual word origins.

    alcohol - Arabic for 'antimony' (used as eye make-up.)

    assassin - Arabic for 'someone addicted to marijuana.'

    avocado - South American indigenous word for 'testicle.'

    biscuit - French for 'twice baked.'

    cretin - originally meant 'Christian' in Old French.

    derive - from Latin 'de rivus', 'from a stream.'

    genuine - from a Latin phrase meaning 'placed on the knees.'

    gift - from the Old English word for 'wedding.'

    humour - originally meant 'liquid' in Latin.

    lobster - from the Latin word for 'locust.'

    money - from the Latin 'moneta' meaning 'warning.'

    muscle - from the Latin for 'little mouse.'

    office - originally meant 'church service.'

    orange - Sanskrit for 'fatal indigestion for elephants.'

    pavilion - Latin for 'butterfly.'

    pay - from the Latin for 'peace.'

    spill - the Old English meaning was 'to destroy.'

    Utopia - Greek for 'nowhere.'

    vinegar - from the Latin for 'sour wine.'

    walk - originally meant to 'roll' in Old English.

    whiskey - Gaelic for 'water of life.'

    worm - meant 'dragon' in Old English.

  • Strange Laws In Utah.

    It is illegal not to drink milk.

    It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.

    Birds have the right of way on all highways.

    A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

    It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.

    It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

    No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

    Alcohol may not be sold during an emergency.

  • Descriptions of five bizarre products.

    Eat Alternative Human Flesh, for the cannibal in you

    Hufu is a tofu-based product that is meant to resemble, as realistically as possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. It is touted as a "human flesh alternative" for "cannibals who want to quit", as well as a product for anthropology students studying cannibalism.

    Mark Nuckols, the creator, said "I think that a lot of the pleasure of eating the Hufu product, is imagining you're eating human flesh. For that moment, you can join the fraternity of cannibalism... If you really want to come as close as possible to the experience of cannabalism, Hufu is your best option."

    Pun a Urinal with Advertising on your store

    The Interactive Urine Communicator is an advertising device invented by bio-engineer Richard Deutsch for the Islip, New York company Wizmark. The 3.5 inch screen is placed in a urinal to promote products or services.

    "Now when nature calls, there is going to be something entertaining to look at and listen to."
    Features of the advertising include:

    Flashing lights that are activated by physical presence, or actual urination
    A lenticular image that changes depending on viewpoint
    A 16-second pre-recorded audio message

    Make and improve your own Cola Drink

    The world's first open-source beverage, OpenCola, is a brand of cola unique in that the instructions for making it are freely available and modifiable.

    Anybody can make the drink, and anyone can modify and improve on the recipe as long as they, too, license their recipe under the GNU General Public License.

    Read your newspaper on your Electronic Toilet

    The modern toilet in Japan, commonly known in Japanese as Washlet is likely the most advanced type of toilet worldwide, showing a dazzling array of features.

    It includes many features, such as blow dryer, seat heating, massage options, water jet adjustments, automatic lid opening, flushing after use, wireless control panels, heating and air conditioning for the room. These features can be accessed by a control panel that is either attached to one side of the seat or on a wall nearby.

    Here, have a Gay Drink

    Gay Fuel is an energy drink marketed towards the gay community. Some refer to it as a 'graphite smoothie'.

    Gay Fuel is similar to Red Bull, except the liquid is dyed bright pink. Its makers claim Gay Fuel contains a blend of sexual stimulant herbs and immune system boosters. The can is silver with several rainbow stripes.

  • Amazing Coincidences

    Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."

    Oregon's Columbian newspaper announced the winning Pick 4 lottery numbers for June 28, 2000 in advance. The newspaper had intended to print the previous set of winning numbers but erroneously printed those for the state of Virginia, namely 6-8-5-5. In the next Oregon lottery, those same numbers were drawn.

    In 1979, the German magazine - Das Besteran - ran a writing competition. Readers sent in unusual stories, but they had to be based on true incidents. The winner, Walter Kellner of Munich, had his story published . He wrote about a time when he was flying a Cessna 421 between Sardinia and Sicily. He encountered engine trouble at sea, landed in the water, spent some time in an emergency dinghy and was then rescued. This story was spotted by an Austrian, also named Walter Kellner, who said that the German Kellner had plagiarized the story. The Austrian Kellner said that he had flown a Cessna 421 over the same sea, experienced engine trouble and was forced to land in Sardinia. It was essentially the same story, with a slightly different ending. The magazine checked both stories, and both turned out to be true, even though they were nearly identical.

    Morgan Robertson's 1898 novella Futility had many parallels with the RMS Titanic disaster; the book concerned a fictional state-of-the-art ocean liner called Titan, which (like the Titanic) eventually collides with an iceberg on a calm April night whilst en route to New York, with many dying because of the lack of lifeboats. Various other details in the book coincide with the Titanic disaster. Later, she wrote a book, Beyond the Spectrum, that described a future war fought with aircraft that carried "sun bombs". Incredibly powerful, one bomb could destroy a city, erupting in a flash of light that blinds all who look at it. The war begins in December, started by the Japanese with a sneak attack on Hawaii.

    Death calls twice

    On July 28th 1900, the King of Italy Umberto I was having dinner in a restaurant in the city of Monza. It turned out later that the restaurant's owner looked identical to the king. The restaurant owner's name was Umberto, his wife's name was the same as the queen's and the restaurant was opened on the same date as the king's inauguration. The Restaurant-owner Umberto was shot dead the next day. So was King Umberto.

    Claude Volbonne killed Baron Rodemire de Tarazone of France in 1872. 21 years earlier, the Baron's father had been murdered by somebody else called Claude Volbonne.

    On February 13, 1746, a Frenchman, Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed for the murder of his father. Precisely 100 years later, on February 13, 1846, another Frenchman, also named Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed - for the murder of his father.

    On the 26th November, 1911, three men were hanged at Greenberry Hill in London after being convicted of the murder of Sir Edmund Berry. Their names were Green, Berry and Hill.

    Just in Time

    The British actor Anthony Hopkins [who shot to fame as Hannibal Lecter] was delighted to hear that he had landed a leading role in a film based on the book The Girl From Petrovka by George Feifer. A few days after signing the contract, Hopkins travelled to London to buy a copy of the book. He tried several bookshops, but there wasn't one to be had. Waiting at Leicester Square underground for his train home, he noticed a book apparently discarded on a bench. Incredibly, it was The Girl From Petrovka. That in itself would have been coincidence enough but in fact it was merely the beginning of an extraordinary chain of events. Two years later, in the middle of filming in Vienna, Hopkins was visited by George Feifer, the author. Feifer mentioned that he did not have a copy of his own book. He had lent the last one - containing his own annotations - to a friend who had lost it somewhere in London. With mounting astonishment, Hopkins handed Feifer the book he had found. 'Is this the one?' he asked, 'with the notes scribbled in the margins?' It was the same book.

    As the inhabitants of Ruthwell, Dumfriesshire, were watching a scene in the film Around the World in 80 Days, where a hot air balloon was about to take off, their TV sets went off due to a power cut. Nearby, power lines had been damaged. A hot air balloon had crashed into them.

    Hernán Cortés' arrival in Mexico in 1519 coincided with the year in the Mayan Calendar when it was predicted that the pale-faced man-god Quetzalcoatl would return to reclaim the city of Tenochtitlán. The Aztecs therefore assumed Cortés to be the legendary man-god, which assisted him in capturing the city and thence Mexico.

    Lightning strikes back

    A British officer, Major Summerford, while fighting in the fields of Flanders in February 1918 was knocked off his horse by a flash of lightning and paralyzed from the waist down. Summerford retired and moved to Vancouver. One day in 1924, as he fished alongside a river, lightning hit the tree he was sitting under and paralyzed his right side. Two years later Summerford was sufficiently recovered that he was able to take walks in a local park. He was walking there one summer day in 1930 when a lightning bolt smashed into him, permanently paralyzing him. He died two years later. But lightning sought him out one last time. Four years later, during a storm, lightning struck a cemetery and destroyed a tombstone. The deceased buried here? Major Summerford.

    In 1899 a bolt of lightning killed a man as he stood in his backyard in Taranto, Italy.
    Thirty years later his son was killed in the same way and in the same place.
    On October 8, 1949, Rolla Primarda, the grandson of the first victim and the son of the second, became the third.

    D-Day: The Normandy invasion

    The date of the invasion June 6,1944 {6644} reflects the first great invasion associated with Normandy in 1066
    In the first Invasion in 1066 Roger de Montgomery commanded portions of William the Conquerors Forces.
    In the second Invasion 1944 Bernard Montgomery commanded portions of Eisenhower's Forces.
    German General Rommel -Montgomery's adversary in an earlier Campaign in N. Africa Commits suicide on October 14, 1944 {101444}
    The Battle of Hastings took place on October 14 {101466}
    Eisenhower's Birthday was October 14 {101490}
    The first Norman invasion initiated the first major immigration of Jews into Britain.
    The second Norman invasion initiated the chain of events that returned the Jews to Israel

    A. Lincoln and J.F. Kennedy

    Life

    Both presidents had 7 letters in their last name.
    Both were over 6' feet tall.
    Both men studied law.
    Both seemed to have lazy eye muscles, which would sometimes cause one to deviate.
    Both suffered from genetic diseases. It is suspected that Lincoln had Marfan's disease, and Kennedy suffered from Addison's disease.
    Both served in the military. Lincoln was a scout captain in the Black Hawk War, and Kennedy served as a navy lieutenant in World War II.
    Both were boat captains. Lincoln was a skipper for the Talisman, a Mississippi River boat, and Kennedy was skipper of the PT 109.
    Both had no fear of their mortality and disdained bodyguards.
    Both often stated how easy it would be to shoot the president. Lincoln supposedly said, "If somebody wants to take my life, there is nothing I can do to prevent it." Kennedy supposedly said "If somebody wants to shoot me from a window with a rifle, nobody can stop it." Note that both these quotes are each 16 words long.

    Death

    Both presidents were shot in the head, on a Friday.
    Both were seated beside their wives when shot. Neither Mrs. Lincoln nor Mrs. Kennedy was injured. Both wives held the bullet-torn heads of their husbands.
    In each case, the man was injured but not fatally. Major Henry Rathbone was slashed by a knife, and Governor John Connolly was shot.
    Lincoln sat in Box 7 at Ford's Theatre. Kennedy rode in car 7 in the Dallas motorcade.
    Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theatre. Kennedy was shot in a Ford product, a Lincoln limousine.
    Mrs. Kennedy insisted that her husband's funeral mirror Lincoln's as closely as possible.

    The Assassins

    Both assassins used three names: John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. (It should be noted that Lee Harvey Oswald was known as just Lee Oswald prior to the assassination.)
    There are 15 letters in each assassin's name.
    Both assassins struck when in their mid-twenties. Booth was born in 1838, and Oswald was born in 1939.
    Each assassin lacked a strong father figure in his life. Booth's father died when he was 13 years old, and Oswald's father died before he was born.
    Each assassin had two brothers whose careers he coveted. Booth's two brothers were more successful actors and Oswald envied his brothers' military lives.
    Both assassins were privates in the military. Booth was a private in the Virginia Militia, and Oswald was a private in the Marine Corps.
    Both assassins were born in the south.
    Both assassins were known sympathizers to enemies of the United States. Booth supported the Confederacy and Oswald was a Marxist.
    Both assassins often used aliases. Booth frequently used "J. Wilkes" and Oswald used the name "Alek J. Hidell."
    Booth shot Lincoln at a theatre and was cornered in a warehouse. Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and was cornered in a theatre.
    Each assassin was detained by an officer named Baker. Lt. Luther B. Baker was leader of the cavalry patrol which trapped Booth at Garrett's Barn. Officer Marion L. Baker, a Dallas motorcycle patrolman, briefly detained Oswald on the second floor of the School Book Depository until he learned that he worked there.
    Both assassins were killed with a single shot from a Colt revolver.
    Both assassins were shot in a blaze of light-Booth after the barn was set afire, and Oswald in the form of television cameras.

    Family and Friends

    Both presidents were named after their grandfathers.
    Both were born second children.
    Both married while in their thirties. Lincoln married at 33 and Kennedy married at 36.
    Both married dark-haired, twenty-four-year-old women.
    Both wives died around the age of 64. Mary Todd Lincoln died in 1882 at age 63 years and 215 days, and Jackie Kennedy died in 1994 at age 64 years 295 days.
    Both wives were known for their high fashion in clothes.
    Both wives renovated the White House after many years of neglect.
    Each couple had four children, two of whom died before becoming a teen.
    Each couple lost a son while in the White House. Willie Lincoln died at age 12 in 1862, and Kennedy's son Patrick died two days after his birth in 1963.

    Politics

    Both presidents were elected to the House of Representatives in '46.
    Both were runners-up for the party's nomination for vice-president in '56.
    Both were elected to the presidency in '60.

    Vice-Presidents

    Southern Democrats named Johnson succeeded both Lincoln and Kennedy (Andrew Johnson and Lyndon Baines Johnson.
    Andrew Johnson was born in 1808, and Lyndon Johnson was born in 1908.
    There are six letters in each Johnson's first name.
    Both Johnsons served in the military. Andrew was a brigadier general in the Civil War and Lyndon was a commander in the U.S. Navy during WW2.
    Both Johnsons were former southern senators.
    Both Johnsons had urethral stones, the only presidents to have them.
    Both Johnsons chose not to run for reelection in '68.

  • Five Facts About Wakefield.

    Wakefield was the county town of the West Riding of Yorkshire.

    The song, 'Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush' is about Wakefield Jail.

    The song, 'The Grand Old Duke of York', is about the Battle of Wakefield during the Wars of the Roses.

    Robin Hood was supposedly born near Wakefield.

    Wakefield is the rhubard capital of England.

  • Ten strange, but true, scientific facts.

    You can Hypnotize Chickens

    A chicken can be hypnotized, or put into a trance by holding its head down against the ground, and continuously drawing a line along the ground with a stick or a finger, starting at its beak and extending straight outward in front of the chicken.

    If the chicken is hypnotized in this manner, it will remain immobile for somewhere between 15 seconds to 30 minutes, continuing to stare at the line.

    You can have an erection once dead

    A death erection (sometimes referred to as "angel lust") is a post-mortem erection which occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-down – the cadaver remaining in this position. During life, the pumping of blood by the heart ensures a relatively even distribution around the blood vessels of the human body. Once this mechanism has ended, only the force of gravity acts upon the blood. As with any mass, the blood settles at the lowest point of the body and causes edema or swelling to occur; the discoloration caused by this is called lividity.

    Your hand can have a life of its own

    Alien hand syndrome (or Dr. Strangelove syndrome) is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own.

    AHS is best documented in cases where a person has had the two hemispheres of their brain surgically separated, a procedure sometimes used to relieve the symptoms of extreme cases of epilepsy. It also occurs in some cases after other brain surgery, strokes, or infections.

    Don't laugh too much, it can kill you

    Fatal hilarity is death as a result of laughter. In the third century B.C. the Greek philosopher Chrysippus died of laughter after seeing a donkey eating figs.
    On 24 March 1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn, England, literally died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies. According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable to stop laughing whilst watching a sketch in the episode "Kung Fu Kapers" in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a psychopathic black pudding in a demonstration of the Scottish martial art of "Hoots-Toot-ochaye". After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.

    A weapon could make you Gay

    Gay bomb is an informal name for a potential non-lethal chemical weapon, which a U.S. Air Force research laboratory speculated about producing.

    In one sentence of the document it was suggested that a strong aphrodisiac could be dropped on enemy troops, ideally one which would also cause "homosexual behaviour".

    It's true, men can breastfeed

    The phenomenon of male lactation in humans has become more common in recent years due to the use of medications that stimulate a human male's mammary glands.

    Male lactation is most commonly caused by hormonal treatments given to men suffering from prostate cancer. It is also possible for males (and females) to induce lactation through constant massage and simulated 'sucking' of the nipple over a long period of time (months).

    Bart Simpson's Tomacco (half tomato, half tobacco) was possible

    A tomacco is originally a fictional hybrid fruit that is half tomato and half tobacco, from the 1999 episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" of The Simpsons; the method used to create the tomacco in the episode is fictional.

    The tomacco became real when it was allegedly produced in 2003. Inspired by The Simpsons, Rob Baur of Lake Oswego, Oregon successfully grafted a tomato plant onto the roots of a tobacco plant, which was possible because both plants come from the same family.

    It's OK to have a third nipple

    A supernumerary nipple (also known as a third nipple) is an additional nipple occurring in mammals including humans. Often mistaken for moles, supernumerary nipples are diagnosed at a rate of 2% in females, less in males. The nipples appear along the two vertical "milk lines" which start in the armpit on each side, run down through the typical nipples and end at the groin. They are classified into eight levels of completeness from a simple patch of hair to a milk-bearing breast in miniature.

    You can die on the toilet

    There are many toilet-related injuries and some toilet-related deaths throughout history and in urban legends.

    In young boys, one of the most common causes of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down while using the toilet.

    George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on 25 October 1760 from an aortic dissection. According to Horace Walpole's memoirs, King George "rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor."

    Picking one's nose and eating it might be healthy

    Mucophagy (literally mucus-eating, also referred as picking one's nose and eating it) is the consumption of the nasal mucus, boogers, and other detritus obtained from nose-picking.

    Some research suggests that mucophagy may be a natural and even healthy activity, which exposes the digestive system to bacteria accumulated in the mucus, thereby helping to strengthen the immune system.

  • Bank Holiday Bus Services

    I've just spent nearly an hour waiting for a bus to take me back into town, where I live. Of course it's a Bank Holiday and therefore a limited service.

    It might be a Sunday service.
    It might be a limited Sunday service.
    It might be a limited weekday service.
    It might be a limited Saturday service, or even a regular Saturday service.

    How the Hell am I supposed to know; I'm only a passenger?

    * * * * * * * * * *

    I did managed to pick up a couple of bargains at the frozen food shop though; four tuna steaks for 30p and 30 mini fish cakes also for 30p - both boxes are damaged.

  • Most difficult to use household items and appliances.

    According to a User Vision survey in 2005.

    Video recorder
    Child car seats
    Digital TV systems
    Digital cameras
    Washing machines
    Dishwashers
    Tin openers
    Difficult-to-open packaging
    Adhesive tape - finding the end of the roll
    Pushchairs
    Digital alarm clocks
    Central heating systems
    Microwave cookers

  • More strange signs and notices.

    Without knowing the context, these are really bizarre.

    Do not place radioactive animals in the cooler.

    Gently hitting the kidney will help to shake out sediment.

    Humped zebra crossing.

    Special TV microwave computer.

    Danger: watch your hands and fingers.

    For restrooms, go back toward your behind.

  • Strange Laws In Tennessee

    You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

    Hollow logs may not be sold.

    More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

    It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

    "Crimes against nature" are prohibited.

    Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature.

  • Fad Diets.

    I'm not sure how genuine or practical some of these actually are - I just found them on someone's personal website. I've not researched the details.

    cabbage soup diet
    negative calorie diet [I don't believe the authenticity of this one at all]
    zone diet
    South Beach diet
    blood type diet
    sugar busters diet
    grapefruit diet
    the caveman diet

    I've never been on a diet: I suppose I try and keep an eye on my weight because I'm a bit concerned about my unhealthy eating habits though.

  • Funny mistakes made by students learning English.

    Do you like this food?
    I made it from scratching!

    * * * * *

    I never liked mushrooms,
    but now they are starting to grow in me.

    * * * * *

    Do you like your coffee cremated?

    * * * * *

    Tomorrow I will go to a wine and cheese cutting party.

    * * * * *

    Every morning I have some toast
    and a big glass of flute juice.

    * * * * *
    Did you have breakfast?

    Yes. Now it is in my backpack.

    * * * * *

    My friends visited last night and
    we served a nice pig dinner.

    * * * * *

    My favorite food is crap cakes.

    * * * * *

    My mother is usually already
    cooked one or two hours before dinner.

    * * * * *

    A good lice cooker can keep your
    lice warm and eatable for two days.

    * * * * *

    My sister exploded in the microwave with a potato!

    * * * * *

    I think that if there is a beautiful waitress in one restaurant and a normal one in the second, and they both taste the same, most people will visit the first one.

    * * * * *

    Would you like a potato wedgie?

    * * * * *

    I usually worm up my food before I eat it.

    * * * * *

    My stomach is so crowded.
    I ate ten or twenty Buffalo wigs.

    * * * * *

    Would you like some?
    No thanks. I just ate some chickens.

    * * * * *

    It took twenty minutes for the waiter
    to take my odour.

    * * * * *

    When my roommates ate my cook,
    they pretended it was delicious.

  • At my time of life.

    I'm now 44 years old. These are the average ages of various groups of people.

    Members of Parliament 51
    Newly married men (first time) 31
    Newly divorced men (first time) 42
    Prisoners admitted to Florida jails 31
    People starting attending Quaker meetings 34
    Age of retirement for men 62

  • Is this the best resignation letter ever written?

    Following is a supposed letter of resignation from an employee at a computer company, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards! I do hope it is genuine...it's very funny and effective though.

    Dear Mr. Smith,

    As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

    Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

    You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

    You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

    1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

    2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

    3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

    Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

    Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

    Cecelia

  • Top Twenty Ways Of Hinting To A Man That His Flies Are Down.

    20. The cucumber has left the salad.

    19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

    18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

    17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

    16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

    15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

    14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

    13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

    12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

    11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

    10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

    9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

    8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

    7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

    6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

    5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

    4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

    3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

    2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

    1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.

  • Some Unusual Local Traditions Around The World

    Wassailing Of The Apple Orchard - Carhampton, Somerset.

    Rattlesnake Rodeo - Alabama, USA

    Piqua Underwear Festival - Ohio, USA

    Festival Of Fisher's Ghost - Campbelltown, Australia

    Frozen Dead Guy Day - Nederland, Colorado, USA

    Mud Pig Day - Virginia, USA

    The Weighing Of The Mayor - High Wycombe

    Conger Cuddling Festival - Lyme Regis

  • Family Fortunes Answers

    An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

    A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

    A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

    A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

    An animal with horns: "A bee..."

    A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

    Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

    Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

    Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

    An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

    Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

    Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

    A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

    A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

    A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
    (Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

    Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

    Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

    A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

    A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

    A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

    Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

    A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

    A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

    Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

    Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

    A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

    A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

    An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

    Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

    A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

    Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

    Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

    A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

    Something you beat: "An apple.."

    Something associated with rain: "Water.."

    An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

    Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

    A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

    A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

    Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

    Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

    Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

    A fast animal: "A hippo.."

    Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

    Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

    A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

    Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

    Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

    Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

    Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

    A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

    A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."

    An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

    A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

    An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

    Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."

    A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

    Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

    A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

    Something you pull: "A potato.."

    An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

    A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

    A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

    A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

    Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

    A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

    Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

    A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

    A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

    A type of large cat: "Persian.."

    A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

    Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

    An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

    A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

    Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

    A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

    A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

    Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

    A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

    A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

    Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

    A famous royal: "Mail.."

    Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

    An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

    An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

    Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

    A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

    One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

    A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

    The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

    Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

    A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

    A type of cut: "Skull.."

    A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

    Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

    A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

    An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

    Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

    A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

    A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."

    An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

    Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

    Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

    A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."

    A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."

    A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

    Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

    Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

    Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."

    A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

    Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

    A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."

    A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."

    A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."

    Something red: "My cardigan.."

    A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

    Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

    Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."

    A domestic animal: "A leopard.."

    Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."

    Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."

    Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

    The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."

    Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."

  • Writers insulting other nationalities.

    Germans are flummoxed by humour, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.
    - - - Bill Bryson

    In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
    - - - Geoffrey Cottrell

    There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defence force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.
    - - - David Frost and Anthony Jay

  • International Airports Named After People.

    New Orleans - Louis Armstrong
    Orange County, California - John Wayne
    New York - President John F. Kennedy
    Cracow, Poland - Pope John Paul II
    Rome - Leonardo da Vinci
    Liverpool - John Lennon
    Houston, Texas - President George Bush Snr
    Washington National - President Ronald Reagan
    Salzburg, Austria - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
    Warsaw, Poland - Frederic Chopin
    Belfast - George Best
    Doncaster/Sheffield - Robin Hood

  • Strange Laws In South Carolina

    When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.

    It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.

    Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks.

    It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.

    A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine.

  • Obscure Card Games.

    Until I found these on the web I didn't realise there were so many. These are the ones with the most unusual names.

    Oh Hell
    Wyatt Earp
    Blind Hookey
    Red Dog
    Baker's Dozen
    Klondike
    Russian Bank
    Bullshit
    California Speed
    Old Maid
    Shithead
    Spit
    Spite & Malice
    Beggar-My-Neighbour
    Egyptian Ratscrew
    Ratsgroup
    Screw Your Neighbour
    Wizard
    Black Lady
    Jabberwocky
    Napoleon
    Sheepshead

  • These Menus Need Proofreading

    Appetizers:
    Cream of mushroom soap

    Dessert:
    Orange schubert
    Banana spit
    Creeps suzette

    Meat:
    Steak: well-done or medium rear
    Sprung Chicken
    Lamb Chopped
    Stuffy roast chicken

    Seafood:
    Stir-fried brawns
    Catfish manure

  • Mistranslations From Japanese Into English

    "Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan Travel Bureau travel guide)

    Cookie Face (cosmetics)

    Salad Girl (more cosmetics)

    Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)

    Naive Lady (toilet paper)

    The Goo (soup)

    Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)

    Finest Moldy Cheese

    Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)

    My Fanny Toilet Paper

    My Pee Diapers

    Nail Remover (nail polish remover)

    Pocari Sweat (beverage)

  • A long list of interesting facts.

    There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India.

    The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

    The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

    Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state.

    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

    There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

    The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

    The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

    There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

    Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

    Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material.

    There are no poisonous snakes in Maine.

    The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

    The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

    It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

    Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last 10,000 years.

    The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

    The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

    North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

    Alexander Graham Bell (who invented the telephone) also set a world water-speed record of over seventy miles an hour at the age of 72.

    There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car four times around the world.

    Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

    Chimps are the only animals that can recognize themselves in a mirror.

    The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

    There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

    Ants do not sleep.

    Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

    If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

    In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

    Almonds are members of the peach family.

    Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

    Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

    One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

    More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

    Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

    The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

    All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

    The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."

    If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

    If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

    San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

    The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years.

    Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

    All of David Letterman's suits are custom made - there are no creases in his suit trousers.

    Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

    Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a home run.

    In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

    Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line "You can only live so long."

    If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

    In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

    Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

    The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

    The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

    The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

    Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

    People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.

    Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

    Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

    In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.

    A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.

    The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.

    Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

    There once was a town named "6" in West Virginia.

    Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

    In 1920, Babe Ruth broke the single season home run record, with 29. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 30 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 40 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 50 home runs.

    A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.

    Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted "Ashcroft" for "A**hole" in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas flights.

    Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.

    Sports Illustrated magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

    There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

    The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it filed the suit.

    Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

    Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

    Romanian firefighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

    A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.

    Motorists traveling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the "litter cleanup" signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

    Spam filters that catch the word "cialis" will not allow many work-related e-mails through because that word is embedded inside the word "specialist".

    McDonald's restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald's purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options (the Apple Pie, which has been at McDonald's for years uses processed Apple Pie Filling).

    The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

    Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government.

    All of Queen Anne's 17 children died before she did.

    There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

    American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

    A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

    Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.

    The time spent deleting SPAM costs United States businesses $21.6 billion annually.

    60.7 percent of eligible voters participated in the 2004 presidential election, the highest percentage in 36 years. However, more than 78 million did not vote. This means President Bush won re-election by receiving votes from less than 31% of all eligible voters in the United States.

    John Quincy Adams, sixth president of the United States, loved to skinny dip in the Potomac River.

    La Paz, Bolivia has an average annual temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it has never recorded a zero-degree temperature. Same for Stanley, Falkland Islands and Punta Arenas, Chile.

    41% of Chinese people eat at least once a week at a fast food restaurant. 35% of Americans do.

    A Wisconsin forklift operator for a Miller beer distributor was fired when a picture was published in a newspaper showing him drinking a Bud Light.

    G-rated family films earn more money than any other rating. Yet only 3% of Hollywood's output is G-rated.

    Richard Hatch, winner of the first "Survivor" reality series, has been charged with tax evasion for failing to report his $1,000,000 prize.

    The entire fleet of Unicoi County Tennessee's salt trucks was rendered out of commission in one accident. All three trucks were badly damaged when one of them began skidding down a road, causing a chain reaction accident. Officials blamed road conditions.

    More people study English in China than speak it in the United States of America (300 million).

    Fast food provider Hardee's has recently introduced the Monster Thickburger. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.

    More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

    For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects.

    There are 2,000,000 millionaires in the United States.

    1.5 million Americans are charged with drunk driving each year.

    A Georgia company will mix your loved one's ashes with cement and drop it into the ocean to form an artificial reef.

    The Washington Times newspaper is owned by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

    The busiest shopping hour of the holiday season is between 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm on Christmas Eve.

    In 2002, women earned 742,000 bachelor's degrees. Men earned only 550,000 during the same year. The difference is growing so large that many colleges now practice (quietly) affirmative action for male applicants.

    Most of the deck chairs on the Queen Mary 2 have had to be replaced because overweight Americans were breaking them.

    Actor Bill Murray doesn't have a publicist or an agent.

    The day after President George W. Bush was reelected, Canada's main immigration website had 115,000 visitors. Before Bush's re-election, this site averaged about 20,000 visitors each day.

    Only 30% of stolen artwork worth more than $1,000,000 each is recovered.

    The typical American child receives 70 new toys a year, most of them during the holiday season.

    90% of Canada's 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.

    Costco is the largest wine retailer in the United States. Annual wine sales are about $700 million.

    The worst air polluter in the entire state of Washington is Mount St. Helens.

    There are less than 100 surviving American World War I veterans.

    Actor Bruce Willis has filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film "Tears of the Sun", alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he has endured "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering".

    A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the -ahem- debris which is absorbed through the years. That debris includes dust mites (their droppings and their decaying bodies), mold, millions of dead skin cells, dandruff, animal and human hair, secretions, excretions, lint, pollen, dust, soil, sand and a lot of perspiration, of which the average person loses a quart per day. Good night!

    About 20% of gift cards never are redeemed at the full value of the card.

    John Kerry's hometown newspaper, the Lowell Sun, endorsed George W. Bush for president in 2004. Bush's hometown newspaper, the Lone Star Iconoclast, endorsed John Kerry for president in 2004.

    Only 939 of the 1,400,000 high school seniors who took the SAT in 2004 got a perfect score of 1600. Two of them are twin brothers Dillon and Jesse Smith from Long Island, NY.

    Billboard magazine has recently launched a top 20 chart of cell phone ringtones.

    The US Army is handing out $2,500 to Fallujah residents whose property was destroyed by US planes and artillery.

    George W. Bush, who presents himself as a man of faith, rarely goes to church. Yet he received votes from nearly two out of three voters who attend church at least once a week.

    In 2015, it is estimated that half the federal budget will be spent on programs for the elderly.

    A private elementary school in Alexandria, Virginia, accidentally served margaritas to its schoolchildren, thinking it was limeade.

    The Chicago Cubs are suing former Hartford Courant newspaper carrier Mark Guthrie to get back $301,000 in pay that was intended to go to a Cubs pitcher with the same name. The Tribune Company owns both the Hartford Courant and the Chicago Cubs.

    In February 2004, a Disney World employee was killed when he fell from a parade float and was trapped between two float sections. OSHA termed this a serious workplace violation, but Disney was fined only $6,300.

    Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.

    The second Saturday in September is usually a popular time for weddings. Not in 2004, as most couples did not want their anniversaries on September 11.

    Mel Gibson has personally earned almost $400,000,000 from his movie "The Passion of the Christ".

    Austin High School in Texas has removed candy from its vending machines. Now some enterprising students are earning $200 per week dealing in black market candy.

    In 2004, Virgin Atlantic Airlines introduced a double bed for first class passengers who fly together.

    The world's largest book, "Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey" is in a Chicago public library. The book measures 5 feet tall by 7 feet wide when open. It weighs 133 pounds.

    If the recent U.S. election was held in Canada, John Kerry would have beaten George Bush in a landslide - 64% to 19%.

    Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley are distant cousins.

    55% of Americans claim they would continue working even if they received a $10,000,000 lottery prize.

    The company that manufactures the greatest number of women's dresses each year is Mattel. Barbie's got to wear something.

    All radios in North Korea have been rigged so listeners can only receive a North Korean government station. The United States recently announced plans to smuggle $2,000,000 worth of small radios into the country so North Koreans can get a taste of (what their government calls) "rotten imperialist reactionary culture".

    La Paz, Bolivia is the world's most fireproof city. At 12,000 feet about sea level, the amount of oxygen in the air barely supports a flame.

    The estates of 22 dead celebrities earned over $5 million in 2004. These celebrities include Elvis Presley, Dr. Seuss, Charles Schulz, J.R.R. Tolkien and John Lennon.

    George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor.

    Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.

    If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Cheops, you would get enough stones to encircle the earth with a brick wall twenty inches high.

    Nearly one third of New York City public school teachers send their own children to private schools.

    The New York City Police Department has a $3.3 billion annual budget, larger than all but 19 of the world's armies.

    CBS's fine for Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" in the 2004 Super Bowl show was $550,000. This could be paid with only 7.5 seconds of commercial time during the same Super Bowl telecast.

    In September 2004, a Minnesota state trooper issued a speeding ticket to a motorcyclist who was clocked at 205 mph.

    Al Gore's roommate in college (Harvard, class of 1969) was Tommy Lee Jones.

    In her later years, Florence Nightingale kept a pet owl in her pocket.

    The New York Jets were unable to find hotel rooms for a game in Indianapolis recently because they had all been booked up by people attending Gencon, a gaming convention.

    China is the world's largest market for BMW's top of the line 760Li. This car sells for $200,000 in China - more than almost all people in China make in a lifetime.

    A chef's hat is shaped the way it is for a reason: its shape allows air to circulate around the scalp, keeping the head cool in a hot kitchen.

    Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

    Each year, sixteen million gallons of oil run off pavement into streams, rivers and eventually oceans in the United States. This is more oil than was spilled by the Exxon Valdez.

    An employee of the Alabama Department of Transportation installed spyware on his boss's computer and proved that the boss spent 10% of his time working (20% of time checking stocks and 70% of the time playing solitaire). The employee was fired, the boss kept his job.

    In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

    Solid structures (parking lots, roads, buildings) in the United States cover an area the size of Ohio.

    A Brussels Airlines flight to Vienna was aborted because the pilot was attacked in the cockpit. The attacker was a passenger's cat, who got out of its travel bag.

    Physicists have already performed a simple type of teleportation, transferring the quantum characteristics of one atom onto another atom at a different location.

    At General Motors, the cost of health care for employees now exceeds the cost of steel.

    There is a regulation size half-court where employees can play basketball inside the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

    One of pitcher Nolan Ryan's jockstraps recently sold at auction for $25,000.

    Television stations hung banners at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, including Al-Jazeera, until it was noticed and taken down.

    A woman was chewing what was left of her chocolate bar when she entered a Metro station in Washington DC. She was arrested and handcuffed; eating is prohibited in Metro stations.

    The New York City subway system, in an effort to raise revenue, is considering selling sponsorships of individual stations to corporations. Riders could soon be getting off at Nike Grand Central Station or Sony Times Square.

    The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student, and purchased by Nike for $35.

    Gerald Ford once worked as a cover model for Cosmopolitan magazine.

    Gillette spent $1,000,000 to place razor samples in the welcome bags handed out at the Democratic National Convention, only to have them confiscated as they were considered a threat. This caused huge delays at all security checkpoints.

    Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World.

    Jim Carrey voted in 2004 at the Beverly Hills City Hall. He had an assistant wait in line for him, however.

    As part of a charity event, 500 cats were spayed and neutered in the cafeteria of an elementary school. School was cancelled for days and $10,000 was spent on cleaning and sterilizing the room.

    The United States has five percent of the world's population, but twenty-five percent of the world's prison population.

    Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

    The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China - measuring 28,000 square feet. It has twenty nine cash registers.

    A house in Baghdad worth $15,000 before the Iraq war now sells for $120,000 to $150,000.

    There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United States.

    The fertility rate in states that voted for George Bush is 12% higher than states that favored John Kerry.

    The chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born and after it's dead.

    The number of US college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.

    In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

    If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves.

    Some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure, and even protect the child from injury. They're not trained to do this, they simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack.

    32 out of 33 samples of well-known brands of milk purchased in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California had trace amounts of perchlorate. Perchlorate is the explosive component in rocket fuel.

    The remains of 125 people will be launched into space where they will orbit the Earth for centuries.

    The leading cause of on-the-job deaths in workplaces in America is homicide.

    So far, Congress has authorized $152,600,000,000 for the Iraq war. This is enough to build over 17,500 elementary schools.

    Americans take an average of just ten days per year vacation. In France, the law guarantees everyone five weeks of vacation, and most full-time workers get two full months vacation.

    The IRS admits that one in five people who call their help line get the wrong answer to their question.

    20% of Americans think that the sun orbits around the Earth.

    Van Halen singer David Lee Roth trained to be an EMT in New York City, and planned to be certified by November 2004.

    The thong accounts for 25% of the United States women's underwear market.

    On average, 40% of all hotel rooms in the United States remain empty every night.

    When you hear a bullwhip snap, it's because the tip is traveling faster than the speed of sound.

    There is a new television show on a British cable called "Watching Paint Dry". Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite.

    The largest ocean liners pay a $250,000 toll for each trip through the Panama Canal. The canal generates fully one-third of Panama's entire economy.

    French author Michel Thaler published a 233 page novel which has no verbs.

    The spring thaw finally allows cemeteries in Alaska to start digging graves for those who died during the winter.

    When Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turn 18 in mid-2004, they will take official control of a company worth more than the gross national product of Mongolia. Their earnings in 2003 topped $1 billion.

    Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher; it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish.

    David Bowie thinks he is being stalked by someone who is dressed like a giant pink rabbit. Bowie has noticed the fan at several recent concerts, but he became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was on board.

    A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.

    In 1997, a woman in Bradenton, Florida lost her cat. In 2004, she got a call from the local animal shelter. The cat turned up wandering the streets in San Francisco, California. The cat's identity was proven with a microchip that had been implanted prior to 1997.

    Almost 20% of the billions of dollars American taxpayers are spending to rebuild Iraq are lost to theft, kickbacks and corruption.

    The treasury department has more than twenty people assigned to catching people who violate the trade and tourism embargo with Cuba. In contrast, it has only four employees assigned to track the assets of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

    There are 40,000 New York City cab drivers, who collectively drive more than a million miles each day.

  • Strange deaths of prominent historical figures.

    Aeschylus, Greek dramatist - according to legend died when a vulture, mistaking his bald head for a rock, dropped a tortoise on it.

    Chrysippus, Greek stoic philosopher - is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey eating figs.

    King Edward II of England - was rumoured to have been murdered by having a red-hot poker inserted into his anus.

    Francis Bacon, English philosopher - died of possible pneumonia after purchasing a chicken and stuffing it with snow to see if cold could preserve meat.

    Henry Purcell, English composer - possibly died as a result of his allergy to chocolate.

  • Mascots Of Yorkshire Football And Rugby Teams.

    Halifax Town - Freddy The Fox

    Leeds United - Lucas The Kop Cat

    Doncaster Rovers - Donny The Dog

    Hull Kingston Rovers - Rocky The Robin

    Bradford Bulls - Bullman & Bullboy

  • Worst U.S. Imports On British TV.

    This is a recent list compiled by the BBC from viewers' votes. I don't know if I'd agree with everything on it; I actually really enjoyed 'Wild Palms.'

    1 Baywatch
    2 Anna Nicole Smith Show
    3 Dukes of Hazzard
    4 Wild Palms
    5 Manimal
    6 The Jerry Springer Show
    7 Knots Landing
    8 Falcon Crest
    9 The Bold and the Beautiful
    10 Extreme Makeover

  • 25 Unusual Jobs

    I found these on a messageboard somewhere. It's a good list because it gives some details about the jobs.

    Fantasy Broker

    A postal clerk wants to be a stand-up comedian for one night. A businessman wants to drive a freight train across a western State. A psychiatrist wants 20 dates on 20 weekends with 20 girls from 20 different countries. How do they do it? They see a fantasy broker whose business is making dreams come true. Originally pioneered in Chicago by an advertising executive, fantasy firms in several cities now do a booming business, charging from $150 to thousands to turn dreams into reality.

    Ball Picker

    Picks up unclaimed baseballs, golf balls and the like to keep recreation areas clean.

    Ant Catcher

    Digs up live ants for use in pastic ant farms.

    Brain Picker

    Places animal head on a table or on hooks in a slaughterhouse, splits the skull and picks out the brains.

    Forest Fire Lookout

    This is the perfect job for solitary types with no fear of heights and the ideal opportunity to write the great American novel. The job consists of manning a tower in a national park or forest preserve and watching for signs of fire. It can be lonely work; for years the Forest service sought newlywed couples for this job. Pay is based on civil service wage levels (starting around $6,000) and includes generous health benefits. Author Jack Kerouac did this.

    Furniture Tester

    Want to relax for a living? The La-z-Boy Company (and probably others) employs furniture testers to check out their recliners.

    Odour Judgers

    Odour Judgers get to smell armpits all day to help make deodorants that will work well.

    Queen Producer

    Raises queen bees.

    Finder

    An Oklahoma City man makes a living finding unusual things for people--like a pair of fleas dressed as bride and groom, a baseball signed by Jim Thorpe in 1933, and a client's missing brother. Finders Keepers, Inc., was started by an ex-advertising agency employee who discovered he had a knack for finding odd props for TV commercials. "I have always been able to locate the rare and unusual with an uncanny facility," he says. "Suddenly it dawned on me that I could capitalize on my ability." Finders Keepers will look for anything, provided it's legal. The company's manager boasts a high success rate; however, he's still looking for an electric clock motor that runs backward.

    Egg Breaker

    Separates yolks and thites of eggs for use in food products by striking eggs against a bar. Pours contents of broken eggs into an egg-separating device.

    Hooker Inspector

    Inspects cloth in a textile mill for defects by using a hooking machine that folds the cloth.

    Foot Straightener

    Straightens and screws into place the feet on watch and clock dials during assembly.

    Chicken Sexer

    Sorts through baby chicks to determine if they are male or female, and then segregate them. The chicken sexer puts the chicken hatchlings on the appropriate track early, enabling those chickens to receive optimal nourishment for their likely commercial role from an early age.

    Wrinkle Chaser

    The person that irons wrinkles from shoes as they are being made to ensure they are perfectly smooth when you buy them.

    Boner

    Inserts stays (bones or steels) into prepared pockets of woman's foundation garments, such as corsets and brassieres.

    Cowpuncher

    Cowpunchers herd, castrate and brand cattle. When you get bored castrating cattle, you get to repair fences, watering troughs and do other maintenance work on the ranch.

    Card Dealer

    If you like to play cards, are manually dexterous, and hate working a 9-to-5 day, you have the qualifications for a casino card dealer. Contrary to the stereotyped shady gambler myth, casinos prefer to hire responsible people, train them carefully, and pay them middle-class incomes. Gambling is a business, and dealers are business representatives. One ex-bank teller started dealing blackjack as the result of a Las Vegas vacation. "Dealing," she says, "is like bank work. You handle money and you're on your feet all day. But the pay is better, the atmosphere is exciting, and the hours are flexible." Where to apply? Las Vegas. Or Reno. Or anywhere else that gambling is legal.

    Top Screw

    Supervises cowboys --called screws.

    Weed Farmer

    Grows weeds for sale to universities and chemical companies to be used in herbicide research.

    Celluloid Trimmer

    A Celluloid Trimmer shaves down a golf club and then adds celluloid bands onto the golf clubs to make the leather grip stay in place.

    Chimney Sweep

    Sweeps are respected professionals in Europe, with an official uniform--black funeral suits, top hats, and turban--that reflects the romantic image of the trade. Sweden's sweeps (both men and women) must serve a 2-year apprenticeship before being licensed to practice. The occupation is almost nonexistent in the U.S., but one Southern California sweep, formerly in the beauty supply business, charges $25 per 1 1/2-to-2-hour cleaning job and plans eventually to have sweeps all over Los Angeles working for him. "Chimneys in Southern California are terribly neglected," he says. "There are just no sweeps to clean them."

    Upsetter

    Sets up and operates a closed-die forging machine that expands the ends of hot metal bars.

    Egg Smeller

    Smells eggs agter they are broken open to check for spoilage.

    Pillowcase Turner

    Turns pillowcases right side out and stretches mterial to remove wrinkles.

    Easter Bunny

    Impersonates Easter Bunny to promote sales activity in retail stores, at conventions at conventions and exhibits, hospitals and private parties.

  • I shouldn't be placed in this situation with these people.

    Yesterday whilst at my employment training programme I spent nearly two hours filling in an application form for a place on another vocational training scheme.

    Once I'd finished I popped out to use the toilet, but when I returned my completed application form had gone - possibly/probably hidden or thrown away by any one of several undesirable characters who were in the room at the time and were most likely somehow offended by my presence there actually doing something positive. (For the entire afternoon all they seemed to do was talk about their own criminal behaviour.)

    I didn't say anything to the people in the room; there was plenty I could have said though. I just went and had a word with a member of staff (who didn't seem that surprised.) This is the major problem that I have with unemployment - I'm classed by the state as having something in common with these people. Believe me though, I haven't.

    I won't be filling in the form again; that would be totally demoralising. I won't be in breach of any terms imposed by the jobcentre if I refuse to complete the form twice.

  • Strange laws in Oregon

    Dishes must drip dry.

    The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment.

    It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex.

    Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

    It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

    One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing,"

    Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

  • Latest Batch Of Poems

    I've not been writing much poetry recently; but receiving two magazines this week with five of my poems published in them has encouraged me to write these poems this morning.

    FEATHERBEDDING

    The giveaway
    Of past-purple foxgloves.

    Grayslate afternoon;
    Rehearsal for
    A leafless winter tree.

    Hunted copses
    In an unwashed night.

    A headache:
    Pierced by the turning light
    - I walk away
    Slowly numbed
    By your pronunciation.

    ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN

    The woman in the dark raincoat bargains
    "I remember waiting for a daughter."
    "What will you do?" I ask. She stares.

    She missed the connection, took the wrong train
    Swore to be good, but nothing changed
    -I still my tongue and struggle to open an umbrella.

    OVERLOOKING

    A sky,
    Waiting for winter.

    Fields rolled into seasons
    - Tomorrow always comes.

    DEPARTURE BOARD

    Weeds and long grass
    Cover the abandoned railway line.

    I know that if I return here again
    I will be an old man, still departing on schedule.

    The seasons will naturally run their course
    And only memories will stay -
    Staring into the darkness of silent mobile phone screens.

    DEATH & TAXES

    Cross-country run
    Behind a man and his dog.

    First rain in weeks
    When the slaughterman halts.

  • Young children write about the seaside.

    1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

    2. Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

    3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

    5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

    7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

    8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

    9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

    10. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

    11. Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

    12. My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

    13. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

    14. When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

    15. A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

    16. When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

    17. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

    18. On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

  • Names of some current pirate radio stations.

    Yes, they still exist! Only on shortwave in Europe and North America though, but also on the main broadcasting bands everywhere else...and some of them online, of course.

    I didn't come across any of these I've listed when I was listening to shortwave radio back in the 1980s; but I would image there were far fewer stations and opportunities then; just a few hobbyists broadcasting for a few hours at the weekend.

    These are my favourite station names that I found on a website - it makes you wonder about the programme content of some of them though.

    Betty Boo Radio

    Radio Free Euphoria

    Grasscutter Radio

    The New Dude

    Big Thunder Radio

    Captain Morgan

    Ironman Radio

    Voice Of The Pig's Ear

    Old Turkey Radio

    Shadow Radio

    Yukon Jack

    Weak Radio

    James Bond Radio

    Rodent Revolution

    Voice Of The Pink Panther

    Mystery Radio

    The Crystal Ship

    Dr. Who Of Hippie Radio

    Crystal Radio

    Psycho Radio

  • Inappropriate or unusual brand names of soft drinks.

    I think these are all examples from non-Anglophone countries.

    Depresso
    Profit
    Diet Water
    Wild Drip
    Coolpis
    Human Water
    God
    Creap

  • Funny comments made by Sunday school pupils in America.

    1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

    2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

    3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

    4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

    5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

    6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

    7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

    8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

    9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

    10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

    12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

    13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

    14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

    16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

    17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

    18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

    19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

    20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

    21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

    22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

    23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

    24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

    25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

  • Strange Laws In Oklahoma

    Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

    Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

    Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

    It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.

    It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

    Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings.

    People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

    Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.

    Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

    Tattoos are banned.

    It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.

    It is illegal to have sex before you are married.

    Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

    Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.

  • Welcome to more new blog visitors.

    More establishments from where people have been accessing my blog...most people view from home though.

    Memphis State University, USA

    Hogg Robinson Financial Services

    Imperial College, London

    Eclipse Presentations Ltd.

    University of Central Florida

    Slovenian Tourist Organisation

    Duckdriver Ltd.

    Cap Gemini UK Ltd.

    The Information Technology Business of The Post Office

    Newsquest Media Group

    HSO Trinity Mirror Group

    Bradford Education Centre

    Road Runner Holding Company

    Indian Institute of Technology, Kharagpur

    Thanks for visiting.

  • More funny mistakes made by students learning English.

    My landlord gave me a one year contraction.
    It will be over soon.

    * * * * *

    The rent fee is only $300 per month.
    That includes having gas and hitting.

    * * * * *

    Me and my brother share
    a small womb in the basement.

    * * * * *

    We live on the sex floor.
    Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.

    * * * * *

    I really need to have my plumber fixed.

    * * * * *

    I was very tired last night
    so my friend let me crash into his apartment.

    * * * * *

    My friend and I live together in a bachelor's suit.

    * * * * *

    We have a big problem at my house.
    What is it?
    Our toilet is out of odor. I'm a little upset.

    * * * * *

    I don't care if me or my roommate mails the check. But I don't want it to slip through our cracks.

    * * * * *

    How many people live in your building?
    I don't know for sure but I have wild gas.

    * * * * *

    How many floors does your apartment building have?
    I guess one in every room.

    * * * * *
    I cannot sleep these days. I am too miserable.
    Why?
    My hair conditioner doesn't work.

    * * * * *

    Do you have a shower in your bathroom?
    Only in the summer when it is hot.

  • Pakistan Forfeit Fourth Test.

    I was listening to the cricket commentary yesterday and was hearing amazing events being described; something that has never happened in international test cricket previously...a team forfeiting a match; although in the case of Pakistan I don't think they actually intended to forfeit the match - just make a protest by remaining in their dressing room for a few minutes.

    This is what happened.

    The umpires were examining the ball and decided that the Pakistanis had been tampering with the seam, then signalled five penalty runs to be awarded to England and called for a box of balls to be presented to the batsmen for them to select a new one.

    Obviously the Pakistanis weren't very happy about so publically being accused of being cheats and refused to come out of their dressing room after the tea interval. After about fifteen minutes the two umpires and the English batsmen walked onto the field and went through the formal procedure of removing the bails to signal that the match had ended and England had won.

    Ten minutes later the Pakistanis then decided that they now wanted to play, but this time the umpires refused to come out because they had ruled that the match had already ended.

    Two hours of frantic discussions then followed whilst the crowd was kept in the dark all the time as to what was happening; those who weren't listening on a portable radio wouldn't have had a clue.

    It wasn't until seven o'clock that the crowd was informed that play had been abandoned for the day and ten o'clock until the authorities made a formal announcement that the match had indeed finished, and England had won.

    What a shambles! There's obviously a major problem with the rules of the game when a team accused of cheating has no other way of protesting its innocence than doing what the Pakistanis did. Of course, there are correct procedures to follow; but all of these take place after close of play and would not receive much publicity.

    There's a very simple solution to this problem. Any team that is in dispute with the umpires or the governing bodies should just take to the field wearing colored armbands and everyone will know that there's an ongoing dispute.

    I hope I've made things clear...I know not everyone is a cricket fan, but I feel I need to write about these events because they are totally unique and to me the solution is so obvious.

  • Unusual Pub Names.

    The Bucket Of Blood - Cornwall

    The Inn Next Door Burnt Down - Bedfordshire

    The Strawberry Duck - Entwistle

    Muscular Arms - Glasgow

    Nobody Inn - Dartmoor

    Donkey On Fire - Ramsgate

    The Duke Without A Head - Kent

    The Leg Of Mutton & Cauliflower - London

    The Jolly Taxpayer - Plymouth

    The Cat & Custard Pot - Kent

    Round Of Carrots - Herefordshire

  • Bizarre names of some online video games.

    Bush Dress-up
    Farting Dog Harmonics
    Brown Cow Curling
    Shit War
    Frisbee Dog
    Running Jesus
    Spank The Monkey
    Extreme Farm Simulator
    Midget Tossing
    Peeling Potatoes
    Penguin Swing
    Potato Drive
    Towel Fighter
    Worm Racing

  • Offensive comments made by a visitor to my blog.

    Yesterday someone wrote offensive comments on my blog about my appearance and personal circumstances.

    I can't understand the mindset of someone who does this; if you are so offended by me and this blog, just don't visit it again. It's simple.

    (I've obviously deleted the comments.)

  • Young children's answers to questions about science.

    Question: What is one horsepower?
    Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

    You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came.

    The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

    When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

    When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

    Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

    Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

    South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

    Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

    Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

    A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

    There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

    There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

    Lime is a green-tasting rock.

    Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

    Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

    Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

    Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

    We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

    To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

    Clouds are high flying fogs.

  • Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

    1) You can GET chocolate.

    2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

    3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

    4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

    5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

    6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

    7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

    8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

    9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

    10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

    11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

    12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

    13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

    14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

    15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

    16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

    17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

    18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

    19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

    20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

  • Origins of the names of European countries.

    ALBANIA - White or mountain. In Albanian the country is called 'Shqiperia' - land of the eagle.

    AUSTRIA - 'Eastern Kingdom'.

    BELGIUM - from the name of the Belgae, a Celtic tribe. Belgae could mean either 'bag or womb' or else 'bright'.

    BOSNIA AND HERZOGOVINA - Bosnia is named after the River Bosna. Herzogovina is a variant of the German word for 'dukedom'.

    BRITAIN - the Celtic word for 'painted'. The earliest inhabitants painted their bodies with woad.

    BULGARIA - ultimately from the Germanic word for 'castle'.

    CROATIA - possibly derived from a Sarmatian word for herdsman or cowboy.

    DENMARK - flat border lands.

    ESTONIA - Eastern land.

    FAEROE ISLANDS - sheep islands.

    FRANCE - land of free men.

    GERMANY - unknown.

    GREECE - land where people settled.

    HUNGARY - people of the ten arrows.

    ICELAND - land of ice.

    IRELAND - fertile place.

    ITALY - land of the bull.

    LATVIA - unknown.

    LIECHTENSTEIN - light stone.

    LITHUANIA - littoral.

    LUXEMBOURG - small castle.

    MACEDONIA - named after the semi-mythical founder of the country.

    MALTA - refuge.

    MOLDOVA - dust,mud.

    MONACO - himself alone.

    NETHERLANDS - lowlands.

    POLAND - land of open fields.

    PORTUGAL - Port of Cale (origin of Cale unknown.)

    ROMANIA - Roman realm.

    SAN MARINO - Saint Marino

    SERBIA - ally/friend.

    MONTENEGRO - black mountain.

    SLOVAKIA - land of the slaves.

    SLOVENIA - land of the slaves.

    SPAIN - isle of hyraxes.

    SWEDEN - people of your own kin.

    RUSSIA - rowing.

    SWITZERLAND - swamp land.

    UKRAINE - border country.

  • Strange Laws In Ohio

    In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration Day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.

    Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

    It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

    The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

    Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

    Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

    It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

    It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

  • List Of Recent Articles Removed From Wikipedia.

    These are my favourites - some of them are very strange.

    1933 In Video Gaming

    Attack Of The Fifty Foot Hitler

    Bacon Armageddon

    Brick Monster

    Chocolate Bar And The Moon

    Cow Cuddling

    Extreme Accounting

    Fish Repairs

    Grand United Theory Of Delivered Pizza

    Great Pony Famine

    Laser Soup

    List Of Jellyfish Who Have Stung Famous People

    List Of People Who Have Died With Tortoises On Their Heads

    Magic Bananas

    Mathematical Calculation In Cake

    Paper - The Fat-free Chocolate

    Proper Punctuation Of Words Describing Pokemon Transsexual Acts

    The Turnip Wars

    Yak Combing

  • Funny mistakes made by students writing about romance and marriage.

    All these examples are by students learning English as a foreign language.

    I have something exciting to tell you.
    My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!

    * * * * *

    I really believe our wedding will last until we die.

    * * * * *

    What does it mean:
    "I would like to propose to some toast?

    * * * * *

    If he is really the best man,
    why isn't she marrying him instead?

    * * * * *

    The groom was wearing
    A very nice croissant.

    * * * * *

    He was so nervous, he suddenly started
    to paint in front of everybody!

    * * * * *

    He lifted the veal off her face
    and gave her a big kiss.

    * * * * *

    I think she is really glad she got marinated.

  • Yahoo Video Search

    When I type 'Doncaster' into the search engine I get a large selection of videos.

    These are some of the main subjects:

    Doncaster Vespa Scooter Rally
    Model Boat Mayhem
    Doncaster Railway Station
    Doncaster Racecourse
    Doncaster Museum
    Hotels in Doncaster
    Doncaster Rowing Club

  • Unusual Laws In North Carolina

    It's against the law to sing off key.

    Elephants may not be used to plough cotton fields.

    While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

    If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

    All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.

    It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

    Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

    A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

  • Funny definitions of medical terminology

    Artery -- Study of paintings
    Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
    Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
    Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
    Caesarean section -- District in Rome
    Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
    Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
    Colic -- Sheep dog
    Coma -- A punctuation mark
    Congenital -- Friendly
    D&C -- Where Washington is
    Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
    Dilate -- To live long
    Enema -- Not a friend
    Fester -- Quicker
    Fibula -- A small lie
    G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
    Grippe -- Suitcase
    Hangnail -- Coathook
    Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
    Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
    Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
    Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
    Morbid -- Higher offer
    Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
    Node -- Was aware of
    Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
    Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
    Post operative -- Letter carrier
    Protein -- Favoring young people
    Rectum -- It almost killed him
    Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
    Rheumatic -- Amorous
    Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
    Secretion -- Hiding anything
    Seizure -- Roman emperor
    Serology -- Study of knighthood
    Tablet -- Small table
    Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
    Tibia -- Country in North Africa
    Tumor -- An extra pair
    Urine -- Opposite of you're out
    Varicose -- Located nearby
    Vein -- Conceited

  • Funny put-downs.

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

  • Latest Additions To My Internet Favourites List

    It's getting rather long now; I have deleted some of my earlier favourites though.

    Pandora's Files - scientific research

    Biggest Mysteries Megasite On Planet Earth

    World Mysteries - Strange Artifacts

    Britain's Small Wars

    Leaders & Battles Database

    British Archaeology Magazine

    Scientific American Magazine

    Skeptical Inquirer (U.S)

    World Scandals

    A Collection Of Web Oddities And Trivia

    Sightseeing With Google Satellite Maps

    World Flag Database

  • Gender of a computer.

    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

    He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories

  • Original meanings of some words.

    brave - cowardice

    counterfeit - legitimate copy

    girl - young person (of either sex)

    guess - take aim

    knight - boy

    luxury - sinful self-indulgence

    neck - parcel of land

    quick - alive

    sophisticated - corrupted

    tell - to count

    truant - beggar

    silly - blessed, happy

    pretty - crafty

    buxom - obedient

    nice - stupid, foolish

  • Funny mistakes made by students learning English as a foreign language.

    I am so eager to mate you!

    * * * * *
    Please execute me for being late.

    * * * * *

    Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?

    * * * * *

    I am sorry I am later.
    It took me ten minutes to ignite my car.

    * * * * *

    Am I making P correctly?

    * * * * *

    Did you have an accident?
    When I was skiing, a tree got in front of me
    and hit me hard!

    * * * * *

    You look sad today.
    Do you want to expose yourself to me?

    * * * * *

    You called at the perfect time.
    I just walked into the door.

    * * * * *

    Thank you so much for tuting!

    * * * * *

    Please don't shoot so many people in my country.
    What?
    Please don't shoot people in my country very often.
    Could you say it really slowly?
    Police don't shoot people in my country very often.

    * * * * *

    I'm sorry, but I couldn't write my essay.
    My roommate had a toothache this morning.
    So you couldn't write your essay?
    Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!

    * * * * *

    What did you do this weekend?
    We went to a Karaoke bar.
    Did you sing?
    yes. I was shy but I strongly did it.
    What did you sing?
    You are the wind beneath my wigs.

  • Bloody Spammers!

    Subjects of some recent junk email I've received - they must be using a poor machine translation because they don't make sense.

    Re: To eat an abattoir perfectionist

    In swim go oversleep

    Re: that change by divingboard winning

    Better success, wool comber

    In sign it excel

    On begin on descent

    Coach Signature Scribble

    in worry he sincerely galaxy

    Also on the subject of spam; the spam attack on my blog continues. These are the recorded visitors and pageviews for the last four days. Much more accurate figures are shown on Site Meter.

    Date Total Pageviews Total Visitors
    2006-08-16 18280 23
    2006-08-15 43362 60
    2006-08-14 25776 56
    2006-08-13 22955 39

  • Some U.S. State Mottos.

    California - I have found it ('Eureka')

    Indiana - The crossroads of America

    Kansas - To the stars through hardships

    Maine - I direct

    Maryland - Manly deeds, womanly words

    Minnesota - I long to see what is beyond

    Montana - Gold and silver

    New Hampshire - Live free or die

    New Mexico - It grows as it goes

    Oregon - She flies with her own wings

    South Carolina - While I breathe, I hope

    Tennessee - Agriculture and commerce

    Texas - Friendship

    Utah - Industry

    Washington - By and by

  • Twenty Interesting Facts.

    01.) The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

    02.) Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

    03.) Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

    04.) The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

    05.) American car horns beep in the tone of F.

    06.) No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

    07.) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

    08.) 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

    09.) You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

    10.) Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

    11.) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

    12.) The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache

    13.) A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

    14.) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

    15.) Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

    16.) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

    17.) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

    18.) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

    19.) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

    20.) Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

  • Unusual Laws In New York State

    Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

    You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

    It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing.

    Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

    A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting.

    It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

    The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

    New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.

    A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

    While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

    Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

  • Names given to UK towns and cities by C.B. (Citizens' Band) radio users.

    Yesterday I read an article about the twenty fifth anniversary of the legalisation of CB radio here in the UK. A few towns were mentioned; but even after several minutes of research I've only managed to find one more to add to the list this morning.

    Selby - Paytown (toll bridge over the river Ouse at the time).

    London - Noddy Town

    Cardiff - Smokey Dragon

    Bury St. Edmonds - Sugar Town

    Northwich, Cheshire - Salt City

    Congleton - Beartown

  • A few more questions to ponder.

    Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

    Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean exactly the same?

    Why do tug boats sometimes push barges?

    Why are stands designed for people to sit in?

    Why do we use the phrase 'after dark' when it's actually after light?

    Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean exactly the opposite?

    Why is bra singular and knickers plural?

    Why do we wash bath towels?

  • Rules That Men Wished Women Knew

    I agree with every one of these; I didn't write them though.

    Crying is blackmail.

    Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

    Don't cut your hair. Ever.

    Anything you wear is fine. Really.

    You have too many shoes.

    If you think you're fat, you probably are. So don't ask me.

    'Yes' and 'no' are perfectly acceptable answers.

    Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

  • Funny Courtroom Exchanges.

    Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A: Borofkin
    Q: What is his first name?
    A: I can't remember.
    Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
    his first name?
    A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
    first name!

    Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
    A: I refuse to answer that question.
    Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A: I refuse to answer that question.
    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A: No.

    Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
    A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

    Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

    Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: What is your name?
    A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
    Q: What is your marrital status?
    A: Fair.

    Q: Are you married?
    A: No, I'm divorced.
    Q: What did yuour husband do before you divorced him?
    A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

    Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A: My ex-widow said it.

    Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
    A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr.
    Cheney and said he was really good.

    Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A: I will be three months November 8th.
    Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A: I used to be.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
    A: Four times.

    Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A: No.
    Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A: Picking them up in the air.
    Q: Where was the dog at the time?
    A: Attached to the ears.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.

    Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Before or after he died?

    Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
    influence?
    A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

    Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q: Did he kill you?
    A: No.

    Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Have you ever been arrested?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What for?
    A: Aggrivating a female.

    Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
    watch.
    A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

    Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
    Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

    THE COURT. Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
    information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

    Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
    the station?
    A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    Q: At the time you first saw Dr. Mc Carty, had you ever seen him prior
    to that time?

    JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
    indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
    completely open mind.

    Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
    you?
    A: Yes, she did.
    Q: Who did she say she was?
    A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

    Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
    A: Yes.
    Q: How long have you known him?

    Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as
    State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
    A: John Fletecher.
    Q: That's you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
    automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

    Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
    impact.
    A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
    immediate end of my right leg.

    Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
    A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

    Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
    A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

    Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
    defendant?
    A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
    son of a gun -- and she did.

    Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
    A: On the seat.
    Q: I meant where is the street.

  • The funniest tee-shirt slogans of 2001.

    These are my personal favourites:

    When did my wild oats turn into Shredded Wheat?

    Practise safe food - always use condiments.

    If you wish to be young again, remember algebra.

    The weather is here - wish you were beautiful.

    Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

    Out of body - back in ten minutes.

  • Over two thousand pageviews today....and still counting.

    My blog's obviously suffering from a severe spam attack at the moment. I can't fathom out what the point of it is though.

    What exactly does a spider/crawler/spambot do?
    What commercial advantage accrues to anyone?
    Why are all these pageviews logged on my blog.co.uk stats page but not on my two external stats plug-ins [something to do with Javascript I think.]?

  • Country Mottos

    Canada - From Sea To Sea

    Costa Rica - Pure Life

    Greece - Liberty or Death

    Kenya - Let's work together

    Luxembourg - We want to stay what we are

    Mauritius - Star & key of the Indian Ocean

    Netherlands - I will maintain

    Norway - Everything for Norway

    Puerto Rico - John is his name

    United Kingdom (Royal Motto) - God and my right

  • Cities in Wisconsin, U.S.A. designated 'capital of the world' for their particular products.

    Some of them are very specific:

    Green Bay - toilet paper
    Sheboygan - bratwurst
    Eagle River - snowmobile
    Mercer - loon
    Monroe - Swiss cheese
    Somerset - inner tube
    Bloomer - skipping rope
    Mt. Horeb - Troll
    Wausau - ginseng

  • Useful words not found in the dictionary.

    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

    Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

    Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

  • Variations On Murphy's Law

    1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

    2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they
    have nothing to lose.

    3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
    tiger starves last.

    4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
    had better let him lead.

    5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
    always leave room for the mouse.

    6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

    7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

    8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
    have to do it himself.

    9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
    evenly distributed.

    10. Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work
    in the past tense.

  • More Interesting Signs/Labels (Strange Translations Into English)

    Please, no conversation, no saliva.

    Lettuce in Pain

    Unit automatically becomes becomes portable when carried.

    Very Suspicious Supermarket

    Sauteed happy family

    Sino-Soviet Union People's Blood Condensed Friendship Pavilion

    Don't make skies fall down.

    Crap fork.

    The Listening To The Sound Of Pain Pavilion

    Please confirm your car is licked.

    No cycling and ski-bite. No kicking of balls.

    If you would like to join us, rubbish would never be homeless.

    Mole restroom

    Engine Room Is Serious Place.

    Complicated Cake

    Beware of valuables. Do not scream.

    This WC is free of washing. Please leave off after pissing or shitting.

    Retarded Flights Restaurant

    Butt stop

    This may be used for keeping sundries and vomit.

    Main curse

    Rice bugger

    Poisonous & Evil Rubbish

    Crap meat

    Car rectal

    Luggage disembowel

    For keeping the toilet clean and tidy, please dump at the dust bin.

    Unclear powerplant

    Pathetic Health Club

  • Pub Talk

    I've just returned from the pub.

    The topics of conversation I can remember are:

    Shakespearean sonnets.

    When exactly did Middle English become Early Modern English?

    Does Jose Mourinho's new haircut [he's the manager of Chelsea F.C.] make him look like a thug, and will it inspire his team to win a third consecutive Premiership title?

    Has it been a good summer for growing hollyhocks?

  • Some Unusual Newfoundland Placenames.

    Jerry's Nose

    Come-by-chance

    Blow-me-down

    Bumble Bee Bight

    Run-by-guess

    Bleak Joke Cove

    Joe Batt's Arm

    Dildo

    Famish Gut

    Empty Basket

    Too Good Arm

    Goblin

  • More funny definitions.

    ABASH: A high school graduation party.

    ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    ACCOUNT: A Countess's husband.

    ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

    AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

    ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.

    ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization.

    AVOIDABLE : What a bullfighter tries to do.

    BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.

    BARIUM: What we do to most people when they die.

    BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

    BEAUTY PARLOR: Places where women curl up and dye.

    BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

    CANTALOUPE: Gotta get married in a church.

    CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the car payment is due.

    CATALOGS: Rails used to build cow fences.

    CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.

    CLOTHES DRYER: An appliance designed to eat socks.

    COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon.

    COLLEGE: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

    COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

    DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam.

    DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.

    DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

    DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage.

    DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

    DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.

    ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.

    EYEDROPPER : A clumsy ophthalmologist.

    EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.

    FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

    FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

    FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

    FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

    FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

    FLABBERGASTED: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.

    GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

    GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

    GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

    GROCERY LIST: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

    GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

    HAIR DRESSER: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

    HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

    HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

    HEROES : What a guy in a boat does.

    HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.

    HORS D'OEUVRES: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

    IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

    INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

    INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

    MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

    MYTH: A female moth.

    MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

    NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

    OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

    OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.

    OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

    OYSTER: A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.

    PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

    PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

    POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

    POLYGON: A dead parrot.

    PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

    PRIVATE TUTOR: Someone who doesn't fart in public.

    PROFESSOR: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

    PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

    PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

    QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

    REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

    RELIEF : What trees do in the spring.

    RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

    SCHOOL TEACHER: A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children.

    SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

    SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

    SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

    SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

    SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

    SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

    STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

    SUBDUED (sub-dood'): Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

    SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

    TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

    TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

    VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter.

    YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

    YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

    VUJA DE: The Feeling You've Never Been Here.

    WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank down south.

    WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

    ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

  • Unusual phobias which have appeared in medical literature.

    anything new - neophobia

    being in a moving car - ochophobia

    bald people - peladophobia

    beards - pogonophobia

    beautiful women - caligynephobia

    going to bed - clinophobia

    body odour - osmophobia/ osphresiophobia

    crossing over bridges - gephyrophobia

    chins - geniophobia

    chopsticks - consecotaleophobia

    clothing - vestiphobia

    cooking - mageirocophobia

    crosses/crucifixes - staurophobia

    dancing - chorophobia

    erect penises - medorthophobia

    opening one's eyes -optophobia

    being tickled by feathers - pteronophobia

    flutes - aulophobia

    freedom - eleutherophobia

    handwriting - graphophobia

  • Zen thoughts.

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
    for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
    leave me the hell alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
    leaky tyre.

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
    neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
    promoted.

    6. No one is listening until you fart.

    7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
    car payments.

    10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

  • Don't make these mistakes on your C.V.

    1. "Revolved customer problems and inquiries."

    Just what every employer is looking for -- an expert in passing the buck.

    2. "Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts."

    Sales managers aren't likely to be impressed with this
    self-proclaimed underachiever.

    3. "Dramatically increased exiting account base, achieving new company record."

    If customer accounts were leaving in droves as this statement implies, it's
    probably fair to assume that this candidate also tanked as a top sales producer.

    4. "Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget."

    Every hiring manager is searching for employees who exceed budgets by millions of
    dollars.

    5. "Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."

    Either this person is showcasing compulsively stubborn management qualities, or he
    has a challenging product packaging/storage problem.

    6. "Participated in the foamation of a new telecommunications company."

    This job seeker was also in charge of bubble control.

    7. "Promoted to district manger to oversee 37 retail storefronts."

    This is a common resume typo. There must be literally thousands of mangers looking
    for jobs in today's modern world.

    8. "Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals."

    Many of us have had a boss like this at some point in our careers, but you usually
    don't find them being so up-front about their leadership inadequacies.

    9. "I am seeking a salary commiserate with my training and experience."

    There are a couple problems with this statement. To begin with, salary requirements
    don't belong on a resume. Secondly, a salary should be "commensurate" with
    experience (meaning proportionate to), not "commiserate" with (meaning to express
    sympathy for).

    10. "Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement."

    Sounds like a fun job.

  • Tenpin bowling terminology - not as it might seem?

    Some of these terms seem quite rude to me:

    adult bumper bowling

    all the way

    angle of entry

    back of hole

    backend

    backup ball

    ball reaction

    ball weights

    bedposts

    bottom weight

    cranker

    front of hole

    gutter ball

    high performance balls

    hit the ball

    leverage position

    nothing ball

    ovaled hole

    radius of gyration

    stroker

    urethane

    weight hole

  • Unusual laws in Nebraska.

    If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

    It is Illegal to go whale fishing. [Nebraska is more than a thousand miles from the sea]

    It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

    It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state licence.

  • Literal or original meanings of some English words.

    bonfire - bone fire
    lady - kneader of the bread
    lord - keeper of the bread
    mortgage - pledge of death
    salary - wages paid in salt
    school - a holiday

  • Obvious Headlines From America.

    1. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    Cornell Daily Sun

    2. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
    Holland Sentinal

    3. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    The New York Times

    4. Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    The Los Angeles Times

    5. 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
    Huntington Herald-Dispatch

    6. Alcohol ads promote drinking
    The Hartford Courant

    7. Malls try to attract shoppers
    The Baltimore Sun

    8. Official: Only rain will cure drought
    The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

    9. Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
    The Sunday Oregonian

    10. Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    Newsday

  • Funny letters sent in to 'viz' magazine.

    The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
    heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
    too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
    they'd make their minds up. John

    'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
    Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

    I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
    mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
    around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
    would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
    She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

    The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
    pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
    from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
    stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

    Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
    like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
    minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

    It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
    well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
    such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
    with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

    On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
    the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
    correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
    Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'cunt'. Not only was I
    told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
    leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
    appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

    My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
    cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
    make than this? Alun Daniel

    I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
    wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
    it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
    Alan Thakray

    Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
    Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

    On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
    Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
    obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
    Alan J., London

    Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
    Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
    into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
    faster cars. T Barnham, London

    Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
    patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
    Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

    How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
    selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
    football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
    for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

    The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
    Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
    me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
    poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

    Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
    about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
    galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
    Woods, e-mail

    With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
    try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
    Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
    time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

    Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
    the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
    hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
    sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

    I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
    Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
    isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

    I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
    I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
    Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
    final breaths. Tripod

    I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
    Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
    Stan

    What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
    world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

  • Some recent London street slang ( not Cockney rhyming slang)

    aeroplane blonde - a woman who has bleached her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it.

    Billy-two-sheds - the sort of bloke who, no matter what you have or do, always has one more or does it better.

    busted sofa - an overweight woman wearing a tight dress or trousers.

    custard pie - to be turned downed by a girl.

    drink-link - cashpoint machine (ATM).

    drop the kids off at the pool - to defecate.

    fishmonger - lesbian.

    float a sausage to the seaside - to defecate.

    greyhound - a very short skirt.

    Pearl Harbour - cold weather (a nasty nip in the air).

    pictures of the Queen - banknotes.

    rat with a wig on - an ugly woman.

    salad dodger - an overweight person.

    swamp donkey - an unattractive woman.

    up on blocks - menstuating.

  • Musical history according to U.S. schoolchildren.

    1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

    2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
    not try to sing.

    3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

    4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

    5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

    6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
    loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
    calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
    1827 and later died from this.

    7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

    8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
    unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

    9. An opera is a song of bigly size.

    10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
    really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
    happily ever after.

  • Strange laws in Minnesota.

    A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

    It is illegal to sleep naked.

    All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.

    Citizens may not enter the state with a chicken on their head.

    All bathtubs must have feet.

  • Some Rude British Placenames.

    Cocks
    Minge Lane
    Bell End
    Twatt
    Back Passage
    Slag Lane
    Fanny Hands Lane
    Cockshoot Close
    Fanny Avenue
    Lickfold
    Rimswell
    Spanker Lane
    Upper Twatt
    Grope Cunt Lane (Renamed 'Magpie Lane')

  • America's Most Unusual Jobs.

    Most unusual jobs submitted to a survey.

    Actor for a haunted house.

    Lifeguard at a nudist beach.

    Military role player (playing role of Iraqi civilians)

    Phone psychic

    Telemarketer for a cemetery

    Artificial inseminator at a zoo.

  • Some quotes about food.

    Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
    -Robert Orben

    I bake all the time, but I don't like to eat the cookies when they're done.
    I just like the dough.
    - Sharon Stone

    What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
    - Unknown

    Truths are first clouds; then rain, then harvest and food
    - Henry Ward Beecher

    Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night
    instead of one a day just isn't going to get the job done.
    - Jim Rohn

    I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
    -Woody Allen

    The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal
    probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.
    - Robert Orben

    If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people,
    you might better stay home.
    - James Michener

    This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs,
    but it doesn't say how far to separate them.
    -Gracie Allen

    Never eat more than you can lift.
    - Miss Piggy

    Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like
    and let the food fight it out inside.
    - Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

    Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
    It's not so important to know what it is,
    but it's critical to know what it was.
    - Unknown

    When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
    It's a whole different way of thinking.
    - Elaine Boosler

    Watermelon --it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.
    -Enrico Caruso

    Never trust a dog to watch your food.
    - Patrick age 10 Advice from Kids

    Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy.
    And, cooking done with care is an act of love
    - Craig Clairborne

    The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food
    - Russian proverb

    Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.
    - Andy Rooney

    I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds.
    By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
    -Erma Bombeck

    The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like,
    and do what you'd rather not.
    - Mark Twain

    How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
    - Charles De Gaulle

    Vengeance is a dish that can be eaten colld.
    - James Payn In Market Overt (1895)

    Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full,
    I say, are you going to drink that?
    - Lisa Claymen

    Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world's perfect food.
    - Michael Levine, nutrition researcher, as quoted in The Emperors of Chocolate:
    Inside the Secret World of Hershey and Mars

    There are four basic food groups, milk chocolate, dark chocolate,
    white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.
    - Unknown

    I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills.
    Know what happened? I ate faster.
    -Joe E. Lewis

    Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate.
    - Patrick Skene Catling

    Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious,
    a beneficent restorer of exhausted power.
    it is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits.
    - Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist

    Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it.
    - P. J. O'Rourke

  • Knowing when you're visiting unsafe websites.

    I've just changed my homepage from Google to Scandoo; a search engine which lets you know which sites might be potentially damaging to your computer by displaying a red, amber, green or black bug rating at the side of every search result in Google.

    It doesn't need downloading - all I did was set it as my new homepage. It might slow things down a bit I suppose; but better safe than sorry.

  • Strange Laws in Massachusetts

    At a funeral, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

    Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

    An old ordinance declares goatee beards illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

    Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

    All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

    Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.

    It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

    A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

    No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

    Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.

    Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

    Quakers and witches are banned.

    Bullets may not be used as currency.

    Public boxing matches are outlawed.

  • Texas Facts & Trivia

    Living in Yorkshire (the largest county in England) I have a natural affinity for Texas (the largest U.S. state - excluding Alaska.)

    Some facts about the state:

    1...Texas is popularly known as the Lone Star State.

    2...The lightning whelk is the official state shell.

    3...Texas is the only state to have had the flags of six different nations fly over it: these are Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederate States and United States.

    4...Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

  • Unusual names which have appeared on wine labels.

    Fat Bastard

    Scraping The Barrel

    Cardinal Zin

    The Unpronounceable Grape

    Eye Of The Toad

    Cat's Pee On A Gooseberry Bush

    The Dog's Bollocks

    Goats Do Roam

    Festival Of Clowns

    Two Toads

    Old Git

    Love My Goat

    Old Tart

    Rude Boy

    George Best

    Van der Table

    Hair Of The Dingo

    Flying Pig

    Smoking Parrot

    Frog's Piss

    Cleavage Creek

    Lazy Lizard

  • Origins of some company names.

    Amstrad - Alan Michael Sugar Trading

    Asda - Associated Dairies

    Aldi - Albrecht (name of founders) & discount

    Corel - Coupland Research Laboratory

    Esso - enunciation of the initials S.O. (Standard Oil)

    Fiat - Fabbrica Italiana Autimobili Torino

    LEGO _ portmanteau of Danish words 'leg godt' which mean 'play well'

    Pepsi - named after the digestive enzyme, pepsin

    Volvo - Latin for 'I roll'

  • A simple explanation of the rules of cricket.

    I found this while I was listening to the cricket commentary yesterday afternoon.

    You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

    Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

    When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

    Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

    When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

    There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

    When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

  • Neologisms used in The Simpsons.

    (These are just my favourites...there are many more.)

    Adultivity - the state of being an adult

    America Junior - Canada

    America's wang - Florida

    Annual Gift Man - Santa Claus/Father Christmas

    Avoision - a combination of avoidance and evasion

    Belly fruit - babies

    Car hole - garage

    Crap factory - stomach

    Crap on a crutch - an expression of surprise

    Dog-dangling - boring

    Jumping box - television

    Malparkage - the state of being illegally parked

    Sisterectomy - surgical removal of a sister

    Swedish lunchbox - suitcase

    Uppity box - lift/elevator

    Walking bird - turkey

    Word hole - mouth

    Yellow fatty-beans - bananas

  • Actual words said by NBC commentators during 2004 Summer Olympics

    1. Weightlifting commentator:
    "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up
    and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator:
    "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once
    mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
    "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

    4. Boxing Analyst:
    "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them
    really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer:
    "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst:
    "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
    over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
    "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British
    crew."

    8. Soccer commentator:
    "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator:
    "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife
    takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

  • Unusual names of political parties standing in UK General Election 2005.

    Church of the Militant Elvis - main policy was to place giant photos of celebrities at Heathrow and Gatwick airports to 'discourage undesrirable foreigners from entering Britain'.

    Personality and Rational Thinking? Yes! Party.

    Dungeons, Death and Taxes Party - main policy was to re-introduce hanging, but only for minor offences such as writing graffiti or dropping litter; additionally, those found guilty of improper use of mobile phone text abbreviation would be disembowelled.

    New Millenium Bean Party - one of their policies was to force all lettering of tattoos done in Wales to be bilinguial.

    The Vote For Yourself Party

    Virtue Cognitive Currency Appraisal Party

    Monster Raving Loony Party - main policy for this campaign was the introduction of a 99p coin.

  • Songs About Cities

    London
    The Clash “London Calling”
    The Clash “(White Man in) Hammersmith Palais”
    The Clash “Guns of Brixton”
    Gerry Rafferty “Baker Street”
    The Jam “Down in the Tube Station at Midnight”
    The Jam “A” Bomb in Wardour Street
    The Pet Shop Boys “West End Girls”
    Basement Jaxx “I Live in Camberwell”
    Eddy Grant “Electric Avenue”
    The Kinks “Waterloo Sunset”

    New York
    Ryan Adams “New York, New York”
    Frank Sinatra “New York, New York”
    Beastie Boys “No Sleep Till Brooklyn”
    Bob Dylan “Positively 4th Street”
    Simon & Garfunkel “59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)”
    Bobby Womack “Across 110th Street”
    Joni Mitchell “Chelsea Morning”
    Billy Joel “New York State of Mind”
    Ben E. King “Spanish Harlem”

    Liverpool
    The Beatles “Penny Lane”
    The Beatles “Strawberry Fields Forever”
    The Bangles “Going Down to Liverpool”

    Philadelphia
    Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia”
    Elton John “Philadelphia Freedom”

    San Francisco
    Tony Bennett “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”

    Chicago
    Paper Lace “The Night Chicago Died”

    Cleveland
    Ian Hunter “Cleveland Rocks”

    Atlanta
    Jermaine Dupri “Welcome to Atlanta”

    Memphis
    Marc Cohn “Walking in Memphis”

    Montgomery, Ala.
    John Prine “Angel From Montgomery”

    Scarborough
    Simon & Garfunkel “Scarborough Fair (Canticle)”

    Bangkok
    Murray Head “One Night in Bangkok”

    Singapore
    Tom Waits “Singapore”
    Ash “Singapore Song”

  • Nicknames given to people originating from particular English counties.

    Bedfordshire - Bulldog or Clanger

    Buckinghamshire - Beef and Bread

    Cambridgeshire -Camel or Crane

    Essex - Calf

    Hampshire - Hog

    Lincolnshire - Yellowbelly

    Kent - Longtail

    Norfolk - Dumpling or Pudding

    Suffolk - Fair Maid or Silly

    Surrey - Capon

    Wiltshire - Moonraker

    Yorkshire - Tyke

  • Some strange laws in Maine, USA

    Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

    You may not step out of a plane in flight.

    After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

  • British TV Series & U.S. Remakes.

    Birds Of A Feather - Stand By Your Man

    Dad's Army - The Rear Guard (pilot only)

    Fawlty Towers - Amanda's Payne

    George & Mildred - The Ropers

    Man About The House - Three's Company

    Mind Your Language - What A Country

    Not The Nine O'Clock News - Not Necessarily The News

    On The Buses - Lotsa Luck

    Porridge - On The Rocks

    Robin's Nest - Three's A Crowd

    Spitting Image - D.C. Follies

    Till Death Us Do Part - All In The Family

  • Types of Knots.

    (I never knew there were so many; here are my favourite names.)

    adjustable bend
    adjustable hitch
    Alpine butterfly bend
    Axle hitch
    beer knot
    blood loop knot
    bottle sling
    brummycham bowline
    cat's paw
    Chinese good luck knot
    clinging Clara
    common whipping
    cow hitch with toggle
    double grinner knot
    double munter friction hitch
    eye splice
    grief knot
    granny knot
    gripping sailor's hitch
    half hitching
    highwayman's hitch
    monkey's fist
    perfected whipping
    Simple Simon double
    square Turk's head
    true lover's knot
    tumbling thief knot

  • Geographical Errors On Site Meter

    When Site Meter locates the position of visitors to my blog it seems to quite often get it wrong when displaying the county or nearest town. Because of my better geographical knowledge of my own country I'm only aware of it occuring with British locations. When it actually displays visitors to my blog on a map they do appear to be in the correct place though.

    The stats display details of the previous hundred visitors and I've listed the errors that I've identified, with a more correct designation in brackets.

    Ranby, Rotherham (Retford/Worksop, Nottinghamshire)

    Curbar, Sheffield (Hope Valley, Derbyshire)

    Surbiton, Slough (Surrey [I think])

    Stevenage, Norfolk (Hertfordshire)

    Knutsford, Trafford (Cheshire)

    Chesterfield, Sheffield (Derbyshire)

    South Elmsall, Doncaster (Pontefract)

    Skelmersdale, Staffordshire (Lancashire)

    Chapeltown, Rotherham (Sheffield)

  • Strange Laws In Kansas

    Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.

    Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.

    No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

    The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.

    If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

  • Some American TV Firsts.

    1947 First couple to share a bed.
    1957 First toilet on television.
    1967 First time 'Hell' said on TV (Star Trek.)
    1971 First time 'God Damn It' said.
    1972 First abortion on TV.
    1974 First rape scene depicted.
    1974 First time the word 'bastard' used.
    1977 First regular gay character appearing.
    1989 First use of 'pussy' [not meaning 'a cat']
    1991 First lesbian kiss.

  • Some more funny word definitions that I've found.

    Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
    Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

    Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

    Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

    Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

    Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

    Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

  • Twelve Guardian writers pick their least favourite days out.

    Stonehenge - it's too small

    John O' Groats - difficult to get there, it's hard to feel it was really worth the bother.

    London Eye - long queues, expensive

    Tate Modern (London) - walking down the ramp into the building is like entering Hell [I've visited Tate Modern several times and love the building, especially the massive ramp which was used for delivering coal when it was a power station.]

    The Tales of Robin Hood, Nottingham - appears to be a converted shopping centre

    Eden Project, Cornwall - paying £18 to visit a garden centre [my parents love the place]

    Edinburgh Castle - doesn't really look like a castle

    Haworth, Yorkshire - there just isn't room' complicated parking

    Hampton Court, London - immaculately kept, otherwise basically boring

    Madame Tussaud's, London - every tourist in the place wears the wan smile of someone gamely trying not to feel swindled

    Centre For Alternative Technology, Machynlleth, Wales - mud & guilt

    Blackpool Illuminations - a very long, well-lit fraffic jam

  • Unusual Laws In Iowa

    It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

    A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

    One-armed piano players must perform for free.

    Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.

    Tanning bed facilities must warn of the risk of getting a sunburn.

  • Funny, strange and unusual comments on patients' medical notes.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

    The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

    The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

    Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.

    Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

    She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.

    She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.

    The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

    Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

    I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    The patient has no past history of suicides.

    The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

    Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

    The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

    Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

    The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

    Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

    The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

    The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

  • Yorkshire Day & The Yorkshire Motto.

    Today, August 1st. is Yorkshire Day and so I've decided to publish the Yorkshire Motto.

    Yorkshire Day is a fairly recent innovation, chosen as the date of the Battle of Minden in 1759 when soldiers from Yorkshire regiments picked white roses (the symbol of the county) from nearby bushes as a tribute to their fallen comrades.

    THE YORKSHIRE MOTTO

    Hear all, see all, say nowt
    Eat all, drink all, pay nowt,
    And if tha ever does owt for nowt
    Always do it for thissen.

    (Translated into standard English - it doesn't scan properly though.)

    Hear everything, observe everything, say nothing
    Eat everything, drink everything, pay nothing
    And if you ever do anything for nothing
    Always do it for yourself.

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