Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean exactly the same?

Why do tug boats sometimes push barges?

Why are stands designed for people to sit in?

Why do we use the phrase 'after dark' when it's actually after light?

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean exactly the opposite?

Why is bra singular and knickers plural?

Why do we wash bath towels?

I agree with every one of these; I didn't write them though.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have too many shoes.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. So don't ask me.

'Yes' and 'no' are perfectly acceptable answers.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marrital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did yuour husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggrivating a female.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

THE COURT. Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. Mc Carty, had you ever seen him prior
to that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as
State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.

These are my personal favourites:

When did my wild oats turn into Shredded Wheat?

Practise safe food - always use condiments.

If you wish to be young again, remember algebra.

The weather is here - wish you were beautiful.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

Out of body - back in ten minutes.