Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

It is Illegal to go whale fishing. [Nebraska is more than a thousand miles from the sea]

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state licence.

bonfire - bone fire
lady - kneader of the bread
lord - keeper of the bread
mortgage - pledge of death
salary - wages paid in salt
school - a holiday

1. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun

2. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal

3. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times

4. Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times

5. 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch

6. Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant

7. Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun

8. Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

9. Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian

10. Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'cunt'. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

aeroplane blonde - a woman who has bleached her hair but still has a 'black box'.

beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it.

Billy-two-sheds - the sort of bloke who, no matter what you have or do, always has one more or does it better.

busted sofa - an overweight woman wearing a tight dress or trousers.

custard pie - to be turned downed by a girl.

drink-link - cashpoint machine (ATM).

drop the kids off at the pool - to defecate.

fishmonger - lesbian.

float a sausage to the seaside - to defecate.

greyhound - a very short skirt.

Pearl Harbour - cold weather (a nasty nip in the air).

pictures of the Queen - banknotes.

rat with a wig on - an ugly woman.

salad dodger - an overweight person.

swamp donkey - an unattractive woman.

up on blocks - menstuating.