Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Everglades National Park:

"Are the alligators real?"

"Are the baby alligators for sale?"

"Where are the rides?"

"What time does the two o'clock bus leave?"

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Grand Canyon National Park:

"Was this man-made?"

"Do you light it up at night?"

"I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?"

"Is the mule train air conditioned?"

"So where are the faces of the presidents?"

"So is that Canada over there?"

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Denali National Park:

"What time to you feed the bears?"

"What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?"

"Can you show me where the Yeti lives?"

"How often do you mow the tundra?"

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Mesa Verde National Park:

"Did people build this, or did Indians?"

"Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?"

"Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

"Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?"

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Yellowstone National Park:

"Does Old Faithful erupt at night?"

"Do you put the animals away at night?"

"How do you turn it on?"

"When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?"

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Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

"How much of the cave is underground?"

"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"

"Does it ever rain in here?"

"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"

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Yosemite National Park:

"Where are the cages for the animals?"

"What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?"

"What happened to the other half of Half Dome?"

"Can I get a picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?"

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Banff National Park:

"Is that food coloring in the lakes?"

"When did you build the glaciers?"

"How much for a moose?"

"Where are the igloos?"

"How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?"

"At what elevation does an elk become a moose?"

"Are the bears with collars tame?"

"Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?"

"Is it ok to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?"

"Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?"

"Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?"

"How far is Banff from Canada?"

"What's the best way to see Canada in a day?"

"When we enter British Columbia, do we have to convert our money to British pounds?"

"Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?"

"Are there phones in Banff?"

"So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?"

"We're on the decibel system, you know."

"Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?"

"Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?"

"Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?"

"Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?"

"If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?"

"Do they search you at the British Columbia border?"

"Are there birds in Canada?"

"I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?"

"How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" / "'Elk.'" / "Oh."

"Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost?"

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Glacier National Park:

"When do the deer become elk?"

"When do the glaciers go by?"

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Isle Royale National Park:

"I just saw the ugliest horse I've ever seen." -- After seeing a moose.

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Sutter's Fort State Historic Park, Sacramento

"Where are the tracks the wagon trains ran on?"

"Where do you cook?" / "We cook over the fire here." / "Don't your pans melt?"

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Spoonerisms
A common type of verbal blunder involves switching the initial sounds of a pair of words. The term "Spoonerism" is an eponym of the late Reverend William Archibald Spooner, who had a notorious penchant for this kind of error.

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Attributed to Reverend Spooner:

"Three cheers for our queer old dean!"

"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride."

"Those girls are sin twisters."

"Is the bean dizzy?"

"The Lord is a shoving leopard."

"When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out."

"Let me sew you to your sheet."

"The enemy fled quickly from the ears and sparrows."

"She joins this club over my bed doddy."

"The old revival hymn, 'Shall We Rather At the Giver?'"

"There is no peace in a home where a dinner swells."

"I see before me tons of soil." -- A greeting to a group of farmers; he meant to say, "sons of toil."

"We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish inside us." -- A statement made when he meant to say, "Half-formed wish."

"You have hissed my mystery lectures; you have tasted the whole worm."

Local Yokels:

"So, you live in Plymouth. What city is that in?"

"England? Can you get there by train?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"England? That's in London, isn't it?" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"England? That's near Paris, the city of love!" -- Asked of an English tourist in the United States.

"Do they have beer there?" -- Asked of an English tourist in a bar in the United States.

"So, you guys are from Ireland -- did you drive across?" -- Asked of two Irish women on a trip to Delaware.

"You're from New Zealand, aren't you? That's just off the southeast corner of Canada, isn't it?" -- Asked of a New Zealander on a trip to Washington D.C.

"After moving here, how were you able to know what the speed limit was? Could you read our traffic signs?" -- Asked of a Canadian who moved to the United States.

"You're from America? Do you know my cousin Patrick in Chicago?" -- Asked of a tourist from Connecticut in Ireland.

"New Zealand is a state in Australia, right?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

"How do you get around, since you don't have any cars?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

"You don't have electricity there, do you?" -- Asked of an Australian, travelling abroad.

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Tourists Without a Clue:

"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" -- Asked of a travel agent about travel arrangements to Hawaii.

"Does your flag come in any other colors?" -- Asked by a tourist in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.

"Excuse me, is this the Eiffel Tower?" - Asked by one tourist of another while waiting in line for the CN Tower in Toronto.

"Were these steps always here, or did they build them?" -- Asked of a guide at Mitchelstown Caves, Cork, Ireland. The guide jokingly replied, "No, but the electricity was!" and the tourist said, "Oh, really, wow!"

"Can you smell the smoke from the bush fire?" -- Asked of a resident of Perth, Australia, about a fire in Sydney.

"How long does it take the penguins to migrate to Kelly Tarlton's?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; Kelly Tarlton's is an aquarium which features penguins.

"Which parks have swings for six-year-old babies?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre.

"Can I get a ferry to Australia?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre.

"Can you tell me where the Sky Tower is?" -- Asked at the Auckland, New Zealand, Visitor Information Centre; the Sky Tower in Auckland is the tallest building in the southern hemisphere and difficult to miss.

"How does the snow get up Ben Nevis?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland, referring to the United Kingdom's highest mountain.

"What time do the penguins leave the zoo?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Is there anyone here who speaks Australian?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Is Fort William still alive?" -- Asked of a tourist information center in Scotland.

"Why did the queen build Windsor Castle so close to Heathrow Airport?" -- Asked by an American tourist in England.

"Didn't this lighthouse used to be round?" -- Asked of a guide at a lighthouse in Nova Scotia.

"Was it always like that, or did they change it after JFK was President?" -- Asked of a guide at Royal Gorge in Colorado, after saying that from a certain angle, one mountain peak looks like JFK's head.

"Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?" -- Asked by a prospective tourist of Canada.

"Are there any ATMs in Canada? Can you send me list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax?" -- Posted to a web site about tourism in Canada.

"Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"Which direction is north in Canada?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?" -- Posted to a web site about tourism in Canada.

"Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

"I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns." -- Posted to a tourism web site.

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Bon Voyage:

"Oh, are you going to drive there?" -- Asked repeatedly of a couple moving to Iceland.

"How does Canadian sound? I don't think I've ever heard that language before." -- Asked after a friend told him about his vacation in Canada.

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International Business:

"You guys are working on the Fourth of July? I can't believe it! Don't you celebrate it?" -- Asked of an English employee by an American employee of a international company.

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Geography:

"What do you mean New Hampshire's a long distance call?! It's part of Massachusetts!" -- Declared by someone who grew up in Boston.

"Vermont is a state?" -- Asked of a contractor that provided long-distance information for AT&T.

"What state is Minnesota in?" -- Overheard in a store.

"Sorry, we don't sell tickets outside of the U.S. . . . I don't care how new Mexico is, we don't sell tickets outside the U.S." -- A ticket salesperson for the 1996 Olympics, on the phone with someone from New Mexico.

"What countries belong to the Netherlands? France...Belgium?"

"I'm from West Virginia."
"So, what's life like in western Virginia?"
"No, I said West Virginia."
"You know, you're the third person I've talked to from western Virginia, and I will never understand why you don't just say you're from Virginia. It's not that bad of a place!"
-- A conversation between a West Virginian and a Californian.

"I didn't know you could drive to Europe." -- An eavesdropper, piping in when he overheard a conversation about someone who had driven to Montreal.

"I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -- can I follow the railroad tracks?" -- Posted to a tourism web site.

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Geography Anecdotes:

Caller: "Hello. I'm calling about [a product]. I need to talk to one of your technical people so I can assess the product's suitability for a proposal I'm writing."
Operator: "Sure. So I may route your call more effectively, please tell me the region from which you are calling."
Caller: "Auckland, New Zealand."
Operator: "Sir, in which state is that?"
Caller: (chuckles) "Quite a good one actually, but with recent elections you never know!"
Operator: "Sir, I need you to tell me which state Auckland New Zealand is in so I can route your call."
Caller: "Oh. New Zealand is not in any state. It is a country in the South Pacific, near Australia. Auckland is a city in New Zealand."
Operator: "Thank you, sir. I have Australia -- putting you through now."
Caller: "No--" (click)

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