Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
~ Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen) in "Love and Death"

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
~ Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner) in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"

Old age. It's the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don't look forward to being cured of.
~ Bernstein (Everett Sloane) in "Citizen Kane"

Scarecrow (Ray Bolger): I haven't got a brain... only straw.
Dorothy (Judy Garland): How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking... don't they?
Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right.
~ "Wizard of Oz "

Reporter: Tell me, how did you find America?
John Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.
~ "A Hard Day's Night"

Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!
~ President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in "Dr. Strangelove"

Clarice (Jody Foster): If you didn't kill him, then who did, sir?
Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): Who can say? Best thing for him, really. His therapy was going nowhere.
~ "Silence of the Lambs"

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
~ Groucho in "Duck Soup"

Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt): What is your nationality?
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart): I'm a drunkard.
Capt. Louis Renault (Claude Rains): That makes Rick a citizen of the world.
~ "Casablanca"

Oh! If I just wasn't a lady! What wouldn't I tell that varmint!
~ Scarlett (Vivian Leigh) in "Gone With The Wind"

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

I've just got absolutely drenched in the rain. I don't know why it is but whenever this happens I always feel the need to get in the bath or under the shower. It'll take about an hour for the water to heat up for my bath - just enough time to have my dinner.

Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111.
- John Snagge, BBC News

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.
- Brian Johnston, BBC Radio

Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry
Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the
ground.
- Brian Johnston, BBC Radio

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.
- Richie Benaud, Channel 9

If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're
left two short.
- Bob Massie, ABC Radio

Glenn McGrath joins Craig McDermott and Paul Reiffel in a
three-ponged prace attack.
- Tim Gavel, ABC News

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will
dance down the piss and mitch one.
- Tony Greig, Channel 9

It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's
been a good, entertaining day's cricket.
- Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and
Marsh threw his head in the air.
- Jack Potter, 3UZ

Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle.
- Richie Benaud, Channel 9

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came
off.
- Trevor Bailey, Radio 3

He didn't quite manage to get his leg over.
- Jonathan Agnew, after Botham had spun around
off balance and tried to step over the
wicket unsuccessfully, BBC

Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been
vindicated by the result?
A: I don't think the press are vindictive. They can write what
they want.
- Mike Gatting, ITV

I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss.
We may be in the wrong sign...Venus may be in the wrong
juxtaposition with somewhere else.
- Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh
successive Test loss, to Australia at
Lord's, 1993

There was a slight interruption there for athletics.
- Richie Benaud, referring to a streaker at
Lord's, BBC TV

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey.
- Brian Johnston, BBC

Say, when do they begin?
- Groucho Marx, watching a cricket match at
Lord's

It's funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket
fan, it's when you realise that your wife left you in May.
- Denis Norden, British television writer and
compere

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
- Robin Williams, American actor

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns
cricket match into gang warfare.
- Mike Brearley, 1980

Cricket is like sex films. They relieve frustration and tension.
- Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat

Is there any sex in it?
- Peter Sellers, as a psychiatrist upon first
learning about cricket in What's New
Pussycat, 1965

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the
players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always
works in our picnic matches.
- Paul Hogan, Australian actor

Marshall's bowling with his head.
- ABC commentator.

The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright.
- Jim Maxwell
and the riposte
That's right!
- Norm O'Neil(?)

And Jajeda is dijappointed...Jadeja is ji..da..I'll come again,
Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast.
- Tony Grieg on Channel 9.

I don't know what these fellows are doing, but whatever they are
doing, they sure are doing it well.
- Pete Sampras on watching Lara and Ambrose at Lord's.

Q: Darryl, who are your favourite actors?
Cullinan: Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of
appealing.

Q: What's your favourite animal?
Steve Waugh: Merv Hughes.