Archive - Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Quotes about grandmothers

by lee954 @ 30 Oct. 2006 – 20:11:22

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. (unknown)

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children ~ Alex Haley

The simplest toy even the youngest child can operate . . . is called a grandparent. (unknown)

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of television (unknown)

Grandmothers Are Like Snowflakes. No Two Are Alike (unknown)

Today I've received a letter from the council Housing Department stating that now I've started work I'm not entitled to any Housing Benefit at all - this isn't what I was told by staff at the DSS. If this is the case, after paying my rent and Community Charge I'll only have £100 a week to live off and be working full-time.

Obviously I'll be putting in an appeal.

The Bible according to...

by lee954 @ 30 Oct. 2006 – 18:16:36

It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.

The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.

Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother, Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.

Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.

Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall inherit the earth."

A list of tongue twisters.

by lee954 @ 30 Oct. 2006 – 05:35:05

Rhymes and poems
Sarah, Sarah, sits in her Chevrolet.
When she shifts she sips her Schlitz,
and when she sips her Schlitz she shifts.
Betty Botter bought a bit of butter. "But," she said, "this butter's bitter!
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter!"
So she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter,
And she put it in her batter, and her batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
A canner can can anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?
Or:

How many cans can a cannery can
If a cannery can can cans?
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said. "I must see
What the minister's fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"

(from The Mikado)

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood.
How much Zen would a Zen master master
if Zen master could master all the Zen?
A Zen master would master all the Zen he could master
if a Zen master should master all the Zen
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate,
And I'm only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.
The most common mistake here involves a spoonerism of pheasant plucker and derivative phrases.

One smart fellow, he felt smart
Two smart fellows, they felt smart
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A mother to her son did utter
"Go, my son, and shut the shutter"
"The shutter's shut" the son did utter
"I cannot shut it any shutter!"
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
A sheet slitter could slit all the sheets
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets!
A fly and a flea in a flue
Were trapped, so what could they do?
"Let us fly," said the flea
"Let us flee," said the fly
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
And the shells she sells are seashore shells I'm sure.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
For no-body's toeses are posies of roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be.
Phrases to be repeated rapidly
A big black bug bled black blood
A black bug's blood
A cricket critic
Bad blood
Big Pig
Cheques cashed fast
Irish wristwatch
Iranian uranium
Legend tripping
Liril
Obsessed with breasts
Red lorry, yellow lorry
Variants: Red leather, yellow leather; Red welly, yellow welly
Road-roller
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Upper roller, lower roller
Sanskrit skit script
Skip Script
Stupid Superstition
Throw a flower
Toy boat
Tragedy, strategy
Unique New York
Sunshine City
Peggy Babcock
Hot Heat Hit Hatted Hairy Henry's Head
Other phrases
Around the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal randomly ran.
Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.
"Are you copper-bottoming 'em my man?" "No, I'm aluminiuming 'em ma'am."
The black bloke's back brake block broke.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
The Leith police dismisseth thee. The Leith police dismisseth us. (According to urban legend, one accused of being drunk would only be dismissed by the Leith police if this phrase could be repeated without making a mistake).
A proper cup of coffee from a copper coffee pot.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
You know I need unique New York. I know you need unique New York.
The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
Chain chomp champ chomps through chewy chains. (see Chomp).
"We reweave rips" (A sign in the window of a tailor's shop.)
The winkle ship sank and the shrimp ship swam.
An old seabear sits on the pier and drinks a pint of beer.
Three sweet switched Swiss witches watch three washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switches. Which sweet switched Swiss witch watches which washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switch?
One was a racehorse, Two was one too. One won a race, Two won one too.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore. The shells she sells are sea-shore shells, I'm sure.
One woman wore one hundred wippy wrist watches
The seething sea ceaseth and that sufficeth me
She, where he had had had, had had had had. Had had had had the approval of the examiner.
The trump card: "On a balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccoughing, she amicably welcomed him in."
I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch

Even more questions to ponder.

by lee954 @ 29 Oct. 2006 – 10:48:57

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?

Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?

The 1904 St. Louis Olympics

by lee954 @ 29 Oct. 2006 – 08:37:31

These games were a sideshow in every sense.
We usually have the image in our minds that the Olympics are really big business. The hosting cities go out of their way to make sure that everything runs smoothly and that the best facilities are provided for the competing athletes.

But, it wasn't always this way.

Take the 1904 St. Louis, Missouri Summer Olympics for example. These games were only the third summer games ever held (There actually were no winter games at this time - they were added in 1924.). The original games were held in 1896 at Athens and were then followed by the 1900 Paris games.

The St. Louis games could hardly be called an international competition. Since traveling overseas from Europe was extremely expensive at the time, the competition consisted mostly of Americans and Canadians (of the 681 athletes, 525 were from the United States.). It should be pointed out, however, that the Olympics were not intended to be a competition among nations at the time - it was a competition among amateur athletes from around the world. It was the job of the amateur athlete to find his way to the games at his own expense. No one cared if you couldn't get there.

Needless to say, the 1904 Olympics were of relatively minor importance. They were originally scheduled to take place in Chicago, but President Roosevelt urged for the games to be held in St. Louis because the Louisiana Purchase (World) Exposition was being held there at the same time to showcase the world's newest technologies (electricity, automobiles, airplanes, etc.).

The Exposition organizers built a permanent gymnasium and a stadium with enough seats to hold some 35,000 spectators (This may sound like a lot of people, but it's really nothing when you compare it to the estimated 20 million people that attended the Exposition during its six month run.). The entire event lasted from Monday, August 29 to Saturday, September 3, 1904. There were no events scheduled for Friday, so the entire series of Olympic games lasted for just five short days.

At this point you probably don't see too much wrong with this scenario. Unfortunately, when the games were actually held, they were a disaster.

To start, if you were considered to be a minority, you had to compete in separate games. These games came under the high-sounding name of "Anthropology Days" which were held on August 12 and 13, 1904. These games were designed to face "costumed members of the uncivilized tribes" against one another. Never-to-be classic Olympic games were included - mud fighting, rock throwing, pole climbing, spear throwing, and... you get the idea...

Things went downhill from there.

In swimming, Hungary's Zoltan Halmay won the 100m and 50m freestyle. Originally, Halmay beat American J. Scott Leary by just one foot in the 50m event. However, the American judge ruled that Leary had won. This ruling resulted in a brawl between the two, so the judges ordered a rematch. Halmay won on the second attempt. (They couldn't check the videotape at this time in history.)

An American gymnast named George Eyser won two gold, two silver, and one bronze medal at the games. Quite a remarkable feat when you consider the fact that he only had one real leg - the other leg was solid wood (His leg was amputated when he was run over by a train - Ouch!).

Now for the competition that they would really like to strike from the record books - the Marathon.

The marathon was run on a very humid, 90+ degree day. The 40 kilometer course started with five laps around the stadium track. The runners then left the stadium and embarked on a dusty, unpaved course that took them up-and-down over seven different hills. The path was marked by red flags that designated the way. A vanguard of horsemen cleared the trail along the way. They were followed by doctors, judges, and reporters in the newly invented automobiles. The net result was a constant cloud of dust kicked up into the runners' faces. They were literally forced to eat dust.

The first man to cross the finish line was Fred Lorz from New York City. Lorz had completed the race in just over three hours time. When he entered the stadium, the crowd roared with excitement. Photographs were taken of President Roosevelt's daughter Alice placing a laurel wreath over Lorz's head.

Lorz's moment in the limelight did not last very long. Just as Lorz was about to accept his medal, officials learned that Lorz had been spotted passing the halfway mark in an automobile. It seems that Lorz had been suffering from cramps, so he hitched a ride at the 9 mile point. He then rode in the vehicle for another eleven miles, at which point the car overheated and broke down. He waived at the spectators and fellow runners along the way. Lorz, now rejuvenated from his ride, chose to run the rest of the race.

Lorz claimed that he never meant to fool anyone - he just couldn't resist the praise and adulation of the roaring crowd. Lorz was immediately banned for life from any future amateur competition. This ban was lifted a year later allowing him to win the Boston Marathon (we'll assume that he was closely watched).

So, if Lorz didn't win, who did?

It was a British-born man named Thomas Hicks who ran for the American team. Hicks ran the race in 3:28:53. When he ran into the stadium the crowd was less than enthusiastic. After all, they had already cheered for a winner, even if he had been disqualified.

Of course, good little Alice Roosevelt was again ready to pose with the winner. But she couldn't. Hicks had to be carried off of the track. It seems that Hicks had begged to lie down about ten miles from the finish line. Instead, his trainers gave him an oral dose of strychnine sulfate mixed into raw egg white to keep him going. This was not enough - they had to give him several more doses, as well as brandy, along the way. By the end of the race, Hicks had to actually be supported by two of his trainers so that he could cross the finish line (essentially, he was carried over the line with his feet moving back-and-forth). Hicks was very close to death's door. It took four doctor's to get him in good enough shape just to leave the grounds, eventually falling asleep on a trolley.

Wait! That's not the end of the story! (can it get any more bizarre?)

It seems that another entrant was a Cuban postman named Felix Carvajal. Once Felix heard about the marathon, he announced that he was going to run. He had no money, so he quit his job and went into the fund raising business. He ran around the central square in Havana and jumped on a soapbox pleading for donations. He repeated this several times until he raised the necessary cash.

On his way to the race, Felix managed to lose all of his money in a crap game in New Orleans. As a result, he had to hitchhike his way to the games (not an easy thing to do in 1904). When Carvajal arrived at the games, he lacked any type of running gear. The officials were forced to postpone the start of the marathon for several minutes while he cut the sleeves off his shirt and the legs off his pants. He ran the race in lightweight street shoes.

During the race, Felix didn't seem to fatigue easily. He constantly conversed with the crowd, even running backwards at times while he spoke to them in broken English.

But wait, in keeping with the 1904 tradition it had to get worse for poor Felix:

He blew any chance of victory by getting hungry. He first ate some peaches that he stole from a race official. He then took a detour into an orchard to munch on some green apples. Big mistake - he developed stomach cramps and had to temporarily drop out of the marathon. Eventually, Felix got back in the race and managed to come in fourth place. He probably would have won if he had not gotten the munchies.

Hold it - the marathon is still not over!

The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics - two Zulu tribesman named Lentauw (real name: Len Taunyane)and Yamasani (real name: Jan Mashiani). They wore bibs 35 and 36, respectively.

The only problem was that these two tribesmen were not in town to compete in the Olympics - they were actually the sideshow! Yes, they were imported by the exposition as part of the Boer War exhibit (both were really students at Orange Free State in South Africa, but no one wanted to believe that these tribesmen could actually be educated - it would have ruined the whole image).

Lentauw finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Lentauw could have done better - that is if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by a large, aggressive canine!

The marathon was over, but there is still one more little story to go along with this:

It seems that two of the patrolling officials driving in a brand-new automobile were forced to swerve to avoid hitting one of the runners - they ended up going down an embankment and were severely injured.

In the end, the St. Louis Olympics (along with the previous Paris games) proved to be such a disaster that the Olympic Committee was forced to hold interim Olympic games in 1906 at Athens, in an attempt to revive the flagging Olympic movement. These games were not numbered, but were attended by twenty countries and put the Olympics back on a steady course to success.

How men and women shower differently.

by lee954 @ 29 Oct. 2006 – 06:49:03

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Funny quotes about marriage

by lee954 @ 28 Oct. 2006 – 17:15:46

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~~~~~~~~
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
~~~~~~~~
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
~~~~~~~
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
~~~~~~~
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Humorous analogies and metaphors used by U.S. high school students.

by lee954 @ 28 Oct. 2006 – 16:07:10

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at
7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Some more interesting laws and customs I've found.

by lee954 @ 28 Oct. 2006 – 09:40:11

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time....
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

Mathematical Equations.

by lee954 @ 28 Oct. 2006 – 06:41:43

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.

More Stupid Celebrity Quotes.

by lee954 @ 27 Oct. 2006 – 21:47:15

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

"The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas."
- Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Baseball player

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

An unusual story from New York State.

by lee954 @ 27 Oct. 2006 – 17:53:15

Women Arrested After Bizarre Sex Sting

SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) -- A police sting took an odd turn when an officer pretending to be a john met a suspected prostitute pretending to be an officer.

Police spokesman Sgt. Tom Connellan said here's what happened Thursday:

A male undercover officer driving in a neighborhood known for prostitution was flagged down by a woman. The woman got in his car and they went to a nearby parking lot to negotiate a price for sex.

She asked the officer if he was a cop and he said no.

"That's OK, because I am," the woman said as she pulled out handcuffs and a two-way radio. She barked into the radio: "Move in!"

The officer, concerned the woman was armed and looking to rob him, forced her from the car. Moments later, officers who had been monitoring the situation arrived and grabbed Greene and her radio.

A male officer pretending to be female used the radio to find out who was on the other end. That person was waiting in a car in a nearby alley.

Police charged Lisa Greene, 31, with first-degree criminal impersonation, prostitution and fifth-degree conspiracy. Elena Irwin, 20, was charged with fifth-degree conspiracy and possession of a hypodermic needle.

"We believe these people were going to rob people or extort money," Connellan said.

He did not know if they had successfully used the scam in the past.

Maybe this is connected with my previous posting.

by lee954 @ 27 Oct. 2006 – 14:48:28

What Job Applicants Really Mean
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career

Bloody Cheek!

by lee954 @ 27 Oct. 2006 – 05:22:39

Yesterday I had my monthly review at work and it became very personal and offensive; my assessor continually making negative comments about my appearance and demeanour.

Firstly, she isn't happy about my hair. She reckons it needs restyling and I need to use gel on it...well, what the hell has it got to do with her! It's clean and tidy and isn't a health and safety hazard; and that's good enough for me.

Secondly; apparently I walk in a despondent manner when I'm killing time hanging out around the boating lake because the bus arrives forty five minutes before I'm due to start work. Yet again, it's none of her business what I do before I start work - and who's spying on me anyway, and why?

I know I've never had a job before and therefore aren't sure about the correct relationship between an employee and his employer but this just doesn't seem right to me.

What on Earth will they criticise me for next?

1920 Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft.

by lee954 @ 26 Oct. 2006 – 18:02:54

1920 Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft

Date: Thu, 26 Feb 1998 17:22:22 -0500

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WAR OFFICE Dept. of the Army Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft Commencing January 1920

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly. 2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking. 3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around. 4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air. 5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls. 6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles. 7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited. 8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles. 9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk. 10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines. 11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing. 12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way. 13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine. 14. Do not trust altitude instruments. 15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you. 16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated. 17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines. 18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash. 19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle. 20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting. 21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying. 22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles. 23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger. 24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments. 25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

Incompetent Criminals

by lee954 @ 26 Oct. 2006 – 05:14:43

Louisiana:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine,though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Newark, N.J. : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Why has this happened?

by lee954 @ 25 Oct. 2006 – 15:18:58

I've just been out to fetch in my wheelie bin and got covered in white paint.

What's going on here?

It's been raining, but that's not unusual: the paint that was used to paint the house number on the bin has remained dry for all the years I've been living here though.

Is it a prank?
Does paint suddenly catastrophically fail and start dissolving in the rain?
Is some sort of toxic rain currently falling on Doncaster?

I honestly don't know.

Music students.

by lee954 @ 25 Oct. 2006 – 05:56:03

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Some more things to ponder about.

by lee954 @ 24 Oct. 2006 – 18:11:52

A few of these I actually do worry about.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster

Comeuppance - but is it true?

by lee954 @ 24 Oct. 2006 – 05:42:23

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Einstein's Chauffeur

by lee954 @ 23 Oct. 2006 – 17:57:47

This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.

After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"

"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"

And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.

Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it!"

The Student

by lee954 @ 23 Oct. 2006 – 05:54:16

Great Moments in Physics
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics

A Joke.

by lee954 @ 22 Oct. 2006 – 16:36:16

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Things that dogs should try to remember.

by lee954 @ 22 Oct. 2006 – 06:30:20

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I think I've messed things up again.

by lee954 @ 21 Oct. 2006 – 23:10:48

I've just returned from the pub where I ended up talking to a very nice, passionate Irish woman for over an hour. We talked about music, dancing, theatre, song lyrics and chocolate. Everything seemed to be going fine until I had to go for a pee - when I returned she'd gone. My mate then came over to me and said she wanted to dance with me; and he wasn't very impressed with me. Well, I didn't have a clue...I just wish women would say something if they're interested in taking things further. It's no use expecting me to pick up on body language; I haven't a clue - that's why I'm attending these group therapy sessions on Wednesday afternoons. That's why I'm forty four years old and never had a job or a relationship.

More funny signs and notices from America.

by lee954 @ 21 Oct. 2006 – 09:55:03

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission
On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...
On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you.
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.
Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.
This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.
Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber.

Some random trivia

by lee954 @ 21 Oct. 2006 – 08:39:51

1. Some maths: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

2. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

3. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

4. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get
fired."

5. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

6. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

7. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.

8. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

9. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts
measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots
fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

10. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

11. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

12. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

13. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

14. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

15. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The
conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped
as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents
where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to
realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

16. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during
World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

17. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

18. In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

19. Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

20. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

21. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome.
The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was
allowed, but the only way to bedisqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

22. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

23. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

24. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

25. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

26. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

27. Coca-Cola was originally green.

28. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

29. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

30. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle; G.P.

31. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

32. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB,
NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
Game.

33. The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected
people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey"),
these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their
bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores
("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all
fall down").

34. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

35. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Top Signs That You're A Londoner

by lee954 @ 21 Oct. 2006 – 06:51:01

Top Signs you are a Londoner
1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
5. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
6. The Tube makes sense
7. You strongly believe that the Tube should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro/Subway.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
9. Your door has more than three locks.
10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
11. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
12. You complain about having to mow it.
13. You know where Karl Marx is buried.
14. You consider Upminster "the countryside" because it's in Essex.
15. You think Hyde Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain."
18. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.
19. You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
20. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.K. pay in rent.
21. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
22. You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
23. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most people are heading to bed.
24. Your wardrobe is filled with black clothes.
25. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
26. You pay £2.30 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p. [I don't know what the actual prices are now]
27. You scoff at zone 4 crowd.
28. You actually take fashion seriously.
29. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
30. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
31. The UK west of Heathrow, is still theoretical to you.
32. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
33. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
34. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
35. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
36. £45 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.
37. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
38. You don't hear sirens anymore.
39. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
40. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
41. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else
until you get married.

A long list of silly puns.

by lee954 @ 20 Oct. 2006 – 18:55:59

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Our Complete List of Silly Puns

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Without geometry, life is pointless

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hiker was trekking through the forest and came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. The bird didn't seem well at all, but the hiker was unable to help. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with "Ill eagle in tree."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.

A princess gets her education one knight at a time.

A warehouse worker at Baccarat accidentally dropped a box of the fine crystal. So he wouldn't get in trouble he buried the box of shards in the ground. A co-worker saw him do this and led managers to where the crystal rested in pieces. The man was charged with breaking and interring.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

A good pun is its own reword

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

An optimist is a very dense fog, but a bigamist is even denser.

And don't forget the Russian astronaut who was nervous about going into space so he took too many antidepressants, became psychotic and killed his fellow crew members on the space station. He was charged with premedicated MIRder.

And then there was the guy who stabbed his own mother to death as she slept in her bed. He was charged with "mattresside"

And there's the case of a pert and perceptive young lady of our acquaintance. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So she sent him a 'Get Well' card.

As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI

At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

Baby seal walks into a club. What a tragedy.

Cell phones are a static symbol.

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh

Dieting is a matter of life and breedth

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual

Doctor Evil cloned himself again. This time created a full size version of himself. He was charged with "Bigger Me."

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Dollywood is currently undergoing renovations....please PARTON our dust!

Don't put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery

Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!'

Garry said, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

George Clooney was having some cosmetic surgery done.His doctor decided while George was under the knife to modify his chin. George was aghast to find that his dimple had been removed and charged the doctor with cleft of property.

Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Have you heard of the Mexican ghost named Jose? They call him, "No Weigh, Jose".

Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.

Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.

Heard about the musician that robbed the bank.... He made off with the lute!

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Hussein was brought up on charges of screwing over his people while living large.The charge was Saddamy.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".

I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris". He asked "Eurostar?" I replied, "I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise".

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a chequered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

If I planned to stay up past my bed time to pursue amour, could I say I planned to sin till late tonight?

If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.

If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?

If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad - Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never saw it coming.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"

It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds, otherwise, it would be "curtains" for everyone.

Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it said he got it for a song.

Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before

More strange headlines

by lee954 @ 20 Oct. 2006 – 16:44:19

STRANGE HEADLINES
Mangled English and the Just Plain Weird

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Stud tires out

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Teacher strikes idle kids

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Squad helps dog bite victim

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Man is fatally slain

Enfield couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Women to start eating

An unusual way of making a protest.

by lee954 @ 20 Oct. 2006 – 14:30:47

Police hunt farting dissident

Police in Poland have launched a nationwide hunt for a man who farted loudly when asked what he thought of the president.

Hubert Hoffman, 45, was charged with "contempt for the office of the head of state" for his actions after he was stopped by police in a routine check at a Warsaw railway station.

He complained that under President Lech Kaczynski and his twin brother Jaroslaw, the country was returning to a Communist style dictatorship.

When told to show more respect for the country's rulers, he farted loudly and was promptly arrested.

Hoffmann was arrested and released on bail but failed to turn up at a Warsaw court early this week to be tried, and the judge in the case rejected an appeal by defence lawyers to throw the charges out.

A court spokesman said: "Such a case of disrespect is taken very seriously."

Instead the court ordered the police to start a nationwide hunt for the man, and Interpol have been alerted.

A Bit Of Colour

by lee954 @ 20 Oct. 2006 – 05:45:23

I've just noticed that the Christmas cactus that I keep in my bathroom is starting to produce some flower buds - it'll be several weeks until the actual blooms appear though; but they will last for a long time.

This is an interesting legal conundrum.

by lee954 @ 19 Oct. 2006 – 18:01:53

Man unhappy to pay ex-wife - now she's a man

A Florida man is fighting to stop paying maintenance to his ex-wife - because she's now a man.

Lawrence Roach, of Seminole, says his ex-wife has had a sex swap op and is now living as a man.

He says he should be allowed stop paying his £650 monthly alimony payments, reports Bay News 9.

"This isn't right. It's humiliating to me and degrading," he said.

"You know, I'm a man and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man. If you can't be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

Roach and his ex-wife, who Bay News 9 did not identify, divorced 18 months ago after being married for more than 17 years.

Facts about cats.

by lee954 @ 19 Oct. 2006 – 05:28:10

Although I prefer dogs, I still quite like cats. My friend, who I regularly visit has a couple of cats which always seem happy to see me. I don't have any pets of my own though; I'm specifically banned from keeping any by the terms of my tenancy agreement.

Ailurophilia is the "love of cats."

The nose pad of a cat is ridged in a pattern that is unique, just like the fingerprint of a human.

There are more than 500 million domestic cats in the world, with 33 different breeds.

The American cat population reached nearly 68 million in 1996. American Demographics magazine estimates that's about 200 million kitty yawns per hour and a whopping 425 million catnaps each day!

A cat's heart beats twice as fast as a human heart, at 110 to 140 beats per minute.

25% of cat owners blow dry their cats hair after a bath.

The largest cat breed is the Ragdoll. Males weigh twelve to twenty pounds, with females weighing ten to fifteen pounds. The smallest cat breed is the Singapura. Males weigh about six pounds while females weigh about four pounds.

Calico cats are almost always female.

If your cat is near you, and her tail is quivering, this is the greatest expression of love your cat can give you. If her tail starts thrashing, her mood has changed --- Time to distance yourself from her.

Cats wag their tails when it is in a stage of conflict. The cat wants to do two things at once, but each impulse blocks the other. For example: If your cat is in the doorway wanting to go outside, and you open the door to find it raining, the cat's tail will wag because of internal conflict. The cat wants to go outside, but doesn't want to go into the rain. Once the cat makes a decision and either returns to the house or leaves into the rain, the tail will immediately stop wagging.

Don't pick a kitten or a cat up by the scruff of its neck; only mother cats can do this safely, and only with their kittens.

Cats knead with their paws when they're happy.

Your cat loves you and can "read" your moods. If you're sad or under stress, you may also notice a difference in your cat's behavior.

The domestic cat is the only cat species able to hold its tail vertically while walking. All wild cats hold their tails horizontally or tucked between their legs while walking.

An average cat has 1-8 kittens per litter, and 2-3 litters per year.

During her productive life, one female cat could have more than 100 kittens.

In 1952, a Texas Tabby named Dusty set the record by having more than 420 kittens before having her last litter at age 18.

The largest known litter (with all surviving) was that of a Persian in South Africa named Bluebell. Bluebell gave birth to 14 kittens in one litter!

A single pair of cats and their kittens can produce as many as 420,000 kittens in just 7 years.

More than 35,000 kittens are born in the U.S. each year. Spay or neuter your cat.

Cats have 290 bones in their bodies, and 517 muscles.

A cat has five more vertebrae in her spinal column than her human does.

There are three body types for a cat. Cobby type is a compact body, deep chest, short legs and broad head. The eyes are large and round. Muscular type is a sturdy body and round, full-cheeked head. Foreign type is a slender body, with long legs and a long tail. The head is wedge-shaped, with tall ears and slanting eyes.

Sir Isaac Newton, discoverer of the principles of gravity, also invented the cat door.

A cat will amost never "meow" at another cat. This sound is reserved for humans.

Know how old your cat really is. If your cat is 3, your cat is 21 in human years. If your cat is 8, your cat is 40 in human years. If your cat is 14, your cat is 70 in human years.

The average age for an indoor cat is 15 years, while the average age for an outdoor cat is only 3 to 5 years.

The oldest cat on record was Puss, from England, who died in 1939 just one day after her 36th birthday. (We wish we could have them all that long!)

The weirdest cat on record was a female called Mincho who went up a tree in Argentina and didn't come down again until she died six years later. While treed, she managed to have three litters with equally ambitious dads.

A cat's normal body temperature is 101.5 degrees. This is slightly warmer than a humans.

People who own pets live longer, have less stress, and have fewer heart attacks.

Cats love to chew on grass, catnip, parsley or sage. Become a green thumb and plant an indoor garden for your cat! But be careful -- many plants are toxic to your cat!

There are two species of wild cats in African and Europe that still hunt. These two species both resemble the domestic tabbies.

The behaviors shown by most house cats have a parallel in the wild.

A cat will kill it's prey based on movement, but may not necessarily recognize that prey as food. Realizing that prey is food is a learned behavior.

The greatest number of mice killed by one cat? 28,899! Towser, a tortoise-shell tabby in charge of rodent control in Scotland, killed 28,899 mice in her 21 years. This is about four mice per day, every day, for 21 years. Towser died in 1987.

The first cat show was held in 1895 at Madison Square Garden in New York City, New York.

A falling cat will always right itself in a precise order. First the head will rotate, then the spine will twist and the rear legs will align, then the cat will arch its back to lessen the impact of the landing.

"Sociable" cats will follow you from room to room to monitor your activities throughout the day.

What kind of "mood" is kitty in? Her eyes, whiskers and ears will tell you. Learn to read the signs she gives you.

The most popular names for female cats in the U.S. are Missy, Misty, Muffin, Patches, Fluffy, Tabitha, Tigger, Pumpkin and Samantha.

Give your cat a quality scratching post to deter her from scratching your furniture. Still scratching? Try putting lemon scent or orange scent on the area. Cats hate these smells.

Try hanging an orange or lemon scented air freshener in the inner branches of your Christmas tree, if your cat is a seasonal "climber."

In English, cat is "cat." In French, cat is "Chat." In German, your cat is "katze." The Spanish word for cat is "gato," and the Italian word is "gatto." Japanese prefer "neko" and Arabic countries call a cat a "kitte."

Cats get their sense of security from your voice. Talk to your cats! And be mindful of your tone of voice. Cats know when you're yelling at them (though they may not care).

The more cats are spoken to, the more they will speak to you.

The richest cat in the Guinness Book of World Records is a pair of cats who inherited $415,000 in the early '60s. The richest single cat is a white alley cat who inherited $250,000. (Now that will buy a lot of catnip!)

The Giraffe, Camel and Cat are the only animals that walk by moving both their left feet, then both their right feet, when walking. This method of walking ensures speed, agility and silence.

It is believed that a white cat sitting on your doorstep just before your wedding is a sign of lasting happiness. White cats are a symbol of good luck in America, while black cats are a sign of bad luck.

Cats can see in color!

Cats are partially color blind. They have the equivalency of human red/green color blindness. (Reds appear green and greens appear red; or shades thereof.)

Cats don't see "detail" very well. To them, their person may appear hazy when standing in front of them.

Cats need 1/6th the amount of light that humans do to see. Their night vision is amazing!

Cats can see up to 120 feet away. Their peripheral vision is about 285 degrees.

Cats eyes come in three shapes: round, slanted and almond.

The color of a kitten's eyes will change as it grows older.

At birth, kittens can't see or hear. Cats open their eyes after five days and begin to develop their eyesight and hearing at approximately 2 weeks. They begin to walk at 20 days.

Kittens begin dreaming at just over one week old.

A cat's ear pivots 180 degrees. They have 30 muscles in each ear, and use twelve or more muscles to control their ear movement.

A group of kittens is called a "kindle."

A group of grown cats is called a "clowder."

Cats rub up against other cats, and people, in an attempt to "mark" them with their scent glands. They most often use the scent glands between their eye and ear (near the temple area) or their scent glands near the base of their tail.

Have you ever tried to feed your cat food that was just taken out of the refrigerator? Most cats prefer their food at room temperature, and will boldly REFUSE any food that is too cold or too hot.

Many experts report that cats will purr when feeling any intense emotion (pleasure or pain).

Give your cat fresh water at least once a day. If your cat refuses your tap water, it may be sensing (with it's superior sense of smell) the chlorine or other minerals in your water. Many finicky felines demand bottled water, just like their human counterparts.

Don't put your cat on an all-vegetarian diet. Cats need protein to survive.

Never feed your cat dog food. Cats need five times more protein than dogs do.

If your cat misses one meal, a trip to the vet may be necessary.

Cats are the sleepiest of all mammals. They spend 16 hours of each day sleeping. With that in mind, a seven year old cat has only been awake for two years of its life!

Cats are more active during the evening hours.

Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves.

95% of all cat owners admit they talk to their cats.

Backward-pointing spikes on a cat's tongue aid in their grooming.

The average cat weighs 12 pounds.

If you can't feel your cat's ribs, she's too heavy.

If an overweight cat's "sides" stick out further than her whiskers, she will lose her sense of perception and stability. Don't be surprised if she starts to squeeze into an opening that the rest of her can't fit into, only to back herself back out quickly!

According to the Guiness Book of World Records, the heaviest cat on record was Himmy, an Australian cat, who weighed 46 pounds, 15.25 ounces in 1986. Himmy's waist was 33 inches! The previous record-holder had been Spice, a ginger-and-white tom cat from Connecticut, who weighed 43 pounds when he died in 1977.

The tiniest cat on record was Tinker Toy from Illinois. A male Himalayan-Persian, he weighed 1 pound, 8 ounces fully grown and was 7.25" long and 2.75" tall!

Your cat is probably either a "righty" or a "lefty." Only 40% of cats are ambidextrous while another 40% are either right-pawed or left-pawed.

Cats love high places. They share this love with leopards and jaguars, who sleep in trees. If a cat begins to fall, his inner ear canal (which controls balance) will help him right himself and land on his feet.

Domestic cats are essentially loners. When placed in a group, they develop their own hierarchy. As long as there is plenty of food on hand, a cat can learn to share it's domain with other cats.

Cats are more aggressive when they are not neutered or spayed.

21% of U.S. households have at least one cat.

The number of pet-owning households is expected to grow nearly 12% between 1993 and 2000, and another 5% between 2000 and 2010.

34% of cat-owning households have incomes of $60,000 or more.

32% of those who own their own home, also own at least one cat.

"Pair bonds" can develop between two cats who live together, or between a cat and a person.

A cat that bites you after you have rubbed his stomach, is probably biting out of pleasure, not anger.

An adult cat has 32 teeth.

Never leave your cat in a vehicle alone. On summer days, temperatures in an automobile can reach 160 degrees in just minutes, even with the windows cracked.

"PSI trailings" attempt to explain a cat's ability to travel a long distance to return to their home. It is said they use the earth's gravity to determine "their place" in the world, and to develop the ability to return there when necessary.

According to myth, a cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under means cold weather is coming.

Each year Americans spend four billion dollars on cat food. That's one billion dollars more than they spend on baby food!

Expect to spend an average of $80 per year on vet bills, for the lifetime of each cat you own.

It costs $7000 to care for one household cat over its lifetime. This covers only the necessities; the pampered pet will carry a higher price.

In an average year, American cat owners spend $2.15 billion on cat food and $295 million on kitty litter.

There have been three different cats who have played the famed "Morris the Cat." The first Morris was adopted from a shelter in 1968. In 1969 he landed the role of Morris the Cat in the famous 9 Lives Cat Food commercials...and was an overnight success! The first Morris died in 1978 and was subsequently replaced by two more cats who played "Morris." All three of the "Morris the Cat" cats were rescued from shelters.

Choose your cat toys carefully. Choose light toys (for tossing), soft toys (for teeth and claws) and toys large enough that they can't be swallowed.

A flashlight makes a great cat toy! Turn the flashlight on in a dark room, and watch your feline "chase" the beam of light!

Cats love to hide! If yours comes up "missing," be sure to check in the bathtub, in your closet, in the dresser drawers, under a blanket or rug...or anywhere else you can possibly think of!

A collar and tag can help your cat find his way home should he ever be lost. Better yet -- outfit your cat with an electronic identification chip.

To make sure your cat's collar fits properly, make sure you can slip two fingers under the collar, between the collar and your cat's neck.

The easiest way to pick up cat hair? Spray an anti-static spray on the area you want to clean. Wait one minute, then wipe up the hair with a six inch brush.

Egyptians shaved their eyebrows as a sign of mourning when they lost a beloved cat.

Hebrew folklore believes that cats came about because Noah was afraid that rats might eat all the food on the ark. He prayed to God for help. God responded by making the lion sneeze a giant sneeze -- and out came a little cat!

Stings to the mouth can be very dangerous to cats. If your cat is stung, or ever experiences any type of sting to the mouth, take her to the vet immediately. As her mouth swells from the sting, she may be unable to breath. Stings require urgent medical care.

Redecorating your home? Let your cat explore after the decorating is done. Paints, wallpaper pastes and paint thinners can be toxic to cats. Play it safe!

Pet-proof your house by looking for items that may be dangerous to them. These include cleaners, antifreeze, automobile coolant, and rat poison.

The fumes from moth balls destroy a cat's liver cells. Use cedar in your closet instead.

That's where it's gone!

by lee954 @ 18 Oct. 2006 – 15:47:26

Today's Wednesday and it's the day we have our bins emptied (they're still emptied weekly; but not for much longer we're soon going all green with fortnightly collections and the return of cholera, diphtheria and bubonic plague.) As usual, as soon as I got in I went to get my wheelie bin from the alleyway at the back of the house; however when I was in the garden I noticed that next door's silver birch tree was no longer there. I strained to look over the fence and saw that there was only a six inch high stump and no sign of the trunk or branches anywhere in the garden.

Slightly surprised I went and unlocked my garden gate and came across an estate car packed full with what was once the tree; sawn up into lengths of no longer than three or four foot - it's amazing what you fit into a hatchback! There wasn't anyone about in the garden next door so I looked to see how much room there was left for the driver and passenger...and guess what? There were twigs and branches on both front seats making it impossible to drive. Maybe the neighbours are just having their dinner and thinking about the situation.

Some interesting facts about Yorkshire

by lee954 @ 18 Oct. 2006 – 05:36:08

Although I've lived in the county for all my life, there are very few places on this list that I've actually visited.

Most Northerly Place : Holwick in Upper Teesdale.
Most Southerly Place : Totley, nestling down near Sheffield.
Most Easterly Place : Kilnsea, Spurn Head.
Most Westerly Place : Low Bentham, just outside the National Park Boundary.
Remotest Village : Kettlesness is six miles from Whitby, and the nearest bus stop is a mile and a half away.
Longest single-word Place Name : Sutton-under-Whitestonecliffe in North Yorkshire, which has an impressive 27 letters.
The Largest Forest : The North Riding Forest, part of the Forestry Commission North York Moors Forest District stretches for 12,220 hectares.
The Tallest Tree : Duncombe Park near Helmsley is home to a towering 150ft Lime tree.
Rarest Plant : In a highly secret part of the Dales so collectors aren’t tempted to go up and grab the Ladies Slipper (Cypripedium caleolus)
Largest Wild Mammal : The Dales is home to the Red Deer a handsome creature.
Smallest Wild Mammal : Is the Pigmy Shrew.
Smallest Bird : This is the tiny Goldcrest which measure just under four inches long.
Largest Bird of Prey : In West Yorkshire moorland the Goshawk, a breeding pair being recorded in the late 1990’s.
Largest House : Castle Howard near York. One of the largest frontages of any building in Britain.
First Norman Castle : This was knocked up in a wooden fashion York in 1069 for William the Conqueror.
First Stone Castle : Richmond claims first position here, built in 1075.
York Minster : The largest Gothic Cathedral in Northern Europe.
Oldest Pub : The Bingley Arms, Bardsey near Leeds has been around since AD905, then called The Priests Inn.
Largest Open Air Theatre : Scarborough opened in 1932 housing a stage 182 feet long with a seating capacity of 7,000.
Largest Theatre : Sheffield Arena, caterers for over 11,000

I'm still taking the paracetamol.

by lee954 @ 17 Oct. 2006 – 20:03:39

My flu has progressed from aching and stiff muscles, via hot flushes and shivering bouts to stinging eyes, sneezing and sniffles...surely this must be the final stage?

I've not needed to take any time off work though so my symptoms can't be that bad.

Golfing Quotes

by lee954 @ 17 Oct. 2006 – 19:04:24

I'm not particularly keen on golf (I much prefer cricket) but these quotes are clever and funny.

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." -- Winston Churchill

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." -- Jack Benny

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

Some rhetorical questions

by lee954 @ 17 Oct. 2006 – 18:23:00

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

A long list of funny, rude and weird town names.

by lee954 @ 17 Oct. 2006 – 06:50:47

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Assawoman (VA, USA)

Badgers Mount (Kent, UK)

Ballsbridge (Dublin, Ireland)

Ballville (Ohio, USA)

Bastard (Norway)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver (Pennsylvania)

Beaver Creek (Minnesota)

Beaver Crossing (Nebraska)

Beaver Falls (Pennsylvania)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Bell End near Lickey End (Wales, UK)

Binges (Cote-D'Or, Bourgogne, France)

Bird-in-Hand (Pennsylvania, USA)

Big Bogue Homo Creek. (Mississippi, US)

Big Bone Lick (State Park, Ohio, US)

Big Knob (Kentucky, USA)

Big Ugly (West Virginia)

Bird-In-The-Hand, near Blue Ball & Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Bitter End (Tennessee, US)

Black Charlie's Opening (Australia)

Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)

Blue Ball, near Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Bobbin Head (Australia)

Booze Moor (Nth Moor, UK)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Buck Snort (TN. USA)

Bumpass, (VA. USA)

Cape Cockburn (NT, Australia, near Croker Island)

Chorlton Cum Hardy ( Lancs, UK) *

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

Climax (NC, USA)

Climax (Pennsylvania, USA)

Climax (Saskatchewan)

Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)

Clones (Co.Monaghan Ireland)

Cockburn (Australia)

Cockermouth (West Lake District, Cumbria. UK)

Cockermouth (Cornwall, UK)

Cockland (Ohio, USA)

Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland)

Cockup (Lake District, Cumbria. UK)

Come by Chance (Newfoundland)

Conception Junction (Missouri, USA)

Conception Bay (Newfoundland)

Condom (Sth. West France)

Cooter (Missouri, USA)

Coxsackie (New York, US)

Crappo (Maryland, USA)

Crapstone (Devon, UK)

Crotch Lake (Ontario, Canada)

Cumming (GA. USA)

Cunt (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Defiance (Ohio)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Ding Dong (Texas, USA)

Dirty Devil River (southern Utah, feeds into the Colorado River, US)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Dorking (Surrey, UK)

Due West (South Carolina, USA)

Dunnydoo (NSW, Australia)

Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Eighty-Four (Pennsylvania, USA)

Elephant Butte (New Mexico, USA)

Erect (NC, USA)

Fleatown (OH, USA)

Fockbury in the Parish of Catshill (Worcestershire, UK)

Frog Suck (Wyoming)

Fucking, (Austria)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Fukumama (Fukuoka Japan)

Gaysport (Ohio, USA)

Glasscock (Texas, USA)

Goose Pimple Junction (VA, USA)

Goosey (Oxfords, UK)

Great Cockup & Little Cockup (2 hills in The Lake District, UK )

Great Snoring (Norfolk, UK)

Gurney Slade (Avon, UK)

Hackballscross (Dundalk, Ireland)

Ham, near Sandwich (Kent, UK)

Hardscrabble (Delaware, USA)

Head Of Grassy (Kentucky)

Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump (Alberta, Canada)

Hell (Texas)

Herpes (village in France)

Hicksville (New York, USA)

Hicksville (Ohio, USA)

High Point, Climax, With Intercourse (3 neighbouring US towns, PA)

Homerville (Georga, US)

Hookersville (West Virginia)

Hope Point (Greenland)

Horneyman (Kent, UK)

Hornytown (North Carolina, USA)

Humptulips, (Washington, USA)

Lord Hereford's Knob, nr. Hay-on-Wye, UK

Innaloo (Western Australia)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Iron Knob (Qld., Australia)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Knob Lick (Kentucky, USA)

Knob Lick (Missouri, USA)

Knob Noster (Missouri, USA)

Lake Minnewanka (Canada)

Lake Poopo (Peru / Bolivia)

Lake Titicaca (Peru / Bolivia) (which flows into Lake Poopo)

Lickey End (Wales, UK)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales, U.K.)

Long Dong (Guangxi, China)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Lord Hereford's Knob (near Hay-on-Wye, UK)

Lost (U.K.)

Lower Piddle on the Marsh (Gloucestershire, UK)

Lovejoy (GA. USA)

Loyalsockville (PA, USA)

Maidenhead (U.K.)

Mianus, (Ct. USA.)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Monkey's Eyebrow (Kentucky)

Moosejaw (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Morehead City (NC, USA)

Mount Mee (Qld., Australia)

Mount Ringwood (NT, Australia, SE of Darwin)

Mount Titlis (Switzerland)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Nob End (Bolton, UK)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Northeast (Pennsylvania, USA)

Onacock (Virginia, USA)

Once Brewed & Twice Brewed, both near Corbridge, UK

Panic (Pennsylvania, US)

Pecker's Point (Newfoundland, Canada)

Pee Pee in Pike County (Ohio)

Penny (B.C., Canada)

Petting (Germany)

Phuket (Thailand)

Piles (Costa Blanca, Spain )

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Poor Town (North Carolina, USA)

Pound and Beaver (5 miles apart in NE Wisconsin, USA)

Poverty, Kentucky, USA

Pratts Bottom in Orpington, Kent, UK

Prickwillow (England)

Pu Ping Palace (Doi Suthep, Thailand)

Pu-Ping River (Chang Mai, Thailand)

Pussy Creek (Ireland)

Rattlesnake Bend, Florida, US

Rectum (Netherlands)

River Piddle (Dorset, UK)

Satans Kingdom (Vermont, US)

Seaman (Ohio, USA)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Harbour (Nova Scotia)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitagoo Lake (Quebec, Canada)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Six Mile Bottom (Cambridge, UK)

Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)

Sleepy Eye (Minnesota, US)

Smelley (Alabama, US)

Soddy-Daisy (Tennessee, US)

Staines (U.K.)

Stinking Bay (Arkansas, US)

Sugar Tit (Kentucky, USA)

Sugar Tit (South Carolina, USA)

Sweet Lips (TN, USA)

Takeshita Street (Harajuku, Tokyo, Japan)

The Blue Ball (Tullamore, Ireland)

The Wee House, Piddletrentide, Dorset/Hants, England

Three Cocks (Wales, UK)

Titlis (Switzerland)

Titley (Herefordshire, UK)

Titting (Germany)

Tittybong (Australia)

Titty Ho (England)

Titz (Germany)

Tokers Green (Berkshire, UK)

Tong Fuk (Japan)

Tosu (pronounced Toss)(Fukuoka Prefecture, Japan)

Tosa (Kumamoto Prefecture, Japan)

Turdo (Romania)

Turkey City (Pennsylvania)

Turnip Hole (Pennsylvania)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Ugly (U.K.)

Upper Dicker & Lower Dicker (East Sussex, U.K.)

Vulcan (Alberta Canada)

Walley (Alabama, US)

Wank (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wanker's Corner (Oregon USA)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Watanobbi (NSW, Australia)

Weed (California, USA)

Weed Patch (California, USA)

Welch (Oklahoma, USA)

Wet Beaver Creek (Coconino National Park, Arizona, USA)

Wetwang (East Yorkshire, UK)

What Cheer (Iowa, US.)

Wideopen (Newcastle UK)

Willey (Herefordshire, UK)

Withers (Georgia, USA )

Wookey Hole Caves (Cheddar, Somerset, UK)

Worms (Nebraska, USA and Germany)

Wyre Piddle (Worcestershire, UK)

Yorkey's Knob (Queensland, Australia)

Some good celebrity quotes.

by lee954 @ 17 Oct. 2006 – 05:27:19

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady)
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
(Sharon Stone)

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
(Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
(Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)

Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
(Robin Williams)

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
(Billy Crystal)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
(Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.
(George Burns)

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
(Henry Kissinger - former US Secretary of State)

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.
(Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers)

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
(Dan Rather - News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for Black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
(Tiger Woods)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.
(Jack Nicholson)

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
(Roseanne)

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
(Hugh Grant)

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
(Dustin Hoffman)

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
(Elizabeth Taylor)

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
(Jerry Seinfield)

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(Robin Williams)

Pub Lunch

by lee954 @ 16 Oct. 2006 – 20:00:07

It's one of my colleagues twenty first birthday today. We were all allowed an hour for lunch instead of the usual thirty minutes, so we decided to pop round to the pub next door for a meal to celebrate- I had Cajun chicken served with spicy potato wedges and salad. It was delicious.

It's also nice to be part of something; to be involved - I even paid for my Christmas dinner today; it won't be anything fancy - just traditional Christmas food...we'll be having exactly the same as the children at the nearby school - we're just sending someone round to collect it. My first school dinner for nearly thirty years; and I'm really looking forward to it!

Insults about Germany and the Germans.

by lee954 @ 16 Oct. 2006 – 19:13:09

Earlier I posted a list of insults about England and the English: later I'll be adding the Italians and Russians. Several weeks ago I think I remember posting the French and Spanish equivalents.

Two world wars and one world cup, doodah, doodah
Football chant to tune of Yankee Doodle

The German may be a good fellow, but it is best to hang him just the same
Russian saying

One thing I will say about the Germans, they are always perfectly willing to give somebody's land to somebody else
Will Rogers

Marry a German and you'll see that the woman have hairy tongues
Rumanian saying

The great virtues of the German people have created more evils than idleness ever did vices
Paul Valery

Peace with Germany is like a wolf and sheep living together
Polish saying

One German a beer, two Germans an organisation, three Germans a war
Polish saying

God invented man, the devil invented the German
Polish saying

Life is too short to learn German
Richard Porson

I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.
Emperor Charles V

The East German manages to combine a Teutonic capacity for bureauracy with a Russian capacity for infinite delay
Goronwy Rees

The Irish, the Irish, They don't amount to much, But they're all a darn sight better Than the dirty, dirty Deutsch.
American folk jingle

There are three kinds of Deutsch; the Deutsch, the damned Deutsch, and the hog Deutsch.
American saying

I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.
Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor (attrib.)

Rather Turkish hatred than German love.
Croatian saying

Where there is a German, there is deceit, and where there is a Gypsy there is theft.
Czech saying

When a snake warms himself on ice, a German will begin to wish a Czech well.
Czech saying

Where the moth is in the cloth, the wolf among the goats, fish without water, the student among the girls, and the German in the council of the Czechs, things will never turn out well.
Czech saying

Rather die with Denmark than rot with Prussia.
Danish saying

The Germans in Greek Are sadly to seek; Not five in fivescore, But ninety-five more. All save only Hermann, And Hermann's a German.
English epigram

Send the pig to Saxonland, wash it with soap; the hog returns and remains a hog.
Estonian saying

German goods are fragile and German words deceptive. Finnish saying God guard us against the health of the Germans [drinking] and the malady of the French [pox].
French saying

The Germans gorge and swill themselves to poverty, and hell.
German saying

With the Germans friendship make, But as neighbours do not take.
German saying

A German doesn't need to jump into the water; he can swill to death in a glass of beer or wine.
German saying

When the Russian steals, he does it that he might have enough for himself for a single day, but when the German steals he takes enough for his children and the morrow.
German saying

The German lies as soon as he becomes polite.
German saying

The German proposes and the police disposes.
German saying

Speak to him, if you only know German.
Hungarian saying

Hungarians, trust the Germans not; Be their promise ever so hot, And though they give you a seal On it as large as a wheel There is absolutely nothing to it. May Jesus Christ smite them dead!
Hungarian saying

I make as much of it as a German of fresh water.
Italian saying

A German Italianate is the devil incarnate.
Italian saying

Wherever Germans are, it is unhealthy for Italians.
Italian saying

Three things are in a poor plight: birds in the hands of children, young girls in the hands of old men, and wine in the hands of Germans.
Italian saying

If the truth in wine is hid, as the Sayings tell you, Then the German has discovered truth, or will surely find it.
Latin epigram

He's like a German. He can't understand a reasonable man.
Lithuanian saying

German is a language which was developed solely to afford the speaker the opportunity to spit at strangers under the guise of polite conversation.
National Lampoon

How much disgruntled heaviness, lameness, dampness, how much beer is there in the German intelligence.
Friedrich Nietzsche, German political philosopher, Twilight of the Idols, 1889

Warsaw and Cracow Polish capitals fine, But the German in Berlin Live like swine.
Polish folk rhyme

The clever Germans are for all that a stupid lot; By the Pole in a poke, they have often been bought.
Polish folk rhyme

Just as the winter cannot turn to summer, So the German can't become a brother.
Polish saying

The Germans moans about his poverty; yet at home the coins jingle merrily.
Polish saying

The German is dumb; he buys everything.
Polish saying

Speak to the German, but with a stone in your pocket.
Polish saying

The German may be as big as a poplar tree, but he is stupid as a bean.
Polish saying

Even if he tempts no one else, the devil will persuade the German.
Polish saying

God invented man; the devil, the German.
Polish saying

At the German's, it's always after dinner.
Polish saying

Serve the German with all your heart; Your reward will be a fart.
Polish saying

The German in the council hall; the goat in the garden, the wolf in the stable, the liar at court, and a woman in office - this is all pretty bad business.
Polish saying

He is as grateful as a German.
Polish saying

The German is as sly as the plague.
Polish saying

When a German marries a Polish girl, it is as if the devil were to unite with an angel.
Polish saying

You will sooner catch a ray of the sun than reach an agreement with the German.
Polish saying

The German is wise up to noon. He becomes stupid thereafter soon.
Polish saying

A dead German, a dead dog; the difference is but slight.
Polish saying

If anyone is born a German, God has sufficiently punished him already.
Russian saying

The German may be a good fellow; but it's better to hang him just the same.
Russian saying

He would not be a German, if he were not greedy.
Ruthenian saying

Spoonerisms

by lee954 @ 16 Oct. 2006 – 18:07:29

Spoonerism _ a manner of speach whereby the speaker inadvertently transposes the initial letters of words.

fighting a liar - lighting a fire
you hissed my mystery lecture - you missed my history lecture
cattle ships and bruisers - battle ships and cruisers
nosey little cook - cosy little nook
a blushing crow - a crushing blow
tons of soil - sons of toil
our queer old Dean - our dear old Queen
we'll have the hags flung out - we'll have the flags hung out
you've tasted two worms - you've wasted two terms
our shoving leopard - our loving shepherd
a half-warmed fish - a half-formed wish
is the bean dizzy? - is the Dean busy?

know your blows - blow your nose
go and shake a tower - go and take a shower
tease my ears - ease my tears
nicking your pose - picking your nose
you have very mad banners - you have very bad manners
lack of pies - pack of lies
it's roaring with pain - it's pouring with rain
sealing the hick - healing the sick
go help me sod - so help me God
pit nicking - nit picking
bowel feast - foul beast
I'm a damp stealer - I'm a stamp dealer
hypodemic nurdle - hypodermic needle
wave the sails - save the whales
chipping the flannel on TV - flipping the channel on TV
mad bunny - bad money

I'm shout of the hour - I'm out of the shower
lead of spite - speed of light
this is the pun fart - this is the fun part
I hit my bunny phone - I hit my funny bone
flutter by - butterfly
bedding wells - wedding bells
I must mend the sail - I must send the mail
cop porn - popcorn
it crawls through the fax - it falls through the cracks
my zips are lipped - my lips are zipped
bat flattery - flat battery
would you like a nasal hut? - would you like a hazel nut?
puke on - coupon

Insults about England and the English.

by lee954 @ 16 Oct. 2006 – 05:25:52

Unmitigated noodles
Kaiser Wilhelm II on England

The German originates it, the French imitate it and the Englishman exploits it
German saying

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire, God would never trust an Englishman in the dark
Duncan Spaeth

The way to endure summer in England is to have it framed and glazed in a comfortable room
Horace Walpole 1717-1797

A pirate spreading misery and ruin over the face of the ocean
Thomas Jefferson

An Englishman will burn his bed to catch a flea
Turkish saying

The English are, I think the most obtuse and barbarous people in the world
Marie Henri Beyle

The English have no exaulted sentiments. They can all be bought.
Napoleon

Silence: A conversation with an Englishman
Goldwin Smith on Ottawa

What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion
Sidney Smith

To learn English you must begin by thrusting the jaw forward, almost clenching the teeth, and practically immbilizing the lips. In this way the English produce the series of unpleasant little mews of which their language consists.
Jose Ortega y Gasset

On a fine day the climate of England is looking up a chimney, on a foul day it is like looking down
Anonymous

An Englishman absolutely believes he can warm a room by building a grate fire at the end of it
Stephen Fiske

London, dirty little pool of life
BM Malabari

The ordinary Britisher imagines that God is an Englishman
Bernard Shaw

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
James Agate, British theatre critic, Ego, 1935-48

England will fight to the last American.
American saying, coined c.1917

Englishwomen's shoes look as if they had been made by someone who had often heard shoes described, but had never seen any.
Anonymous

In our English popular religion the common conception of a future state of bliss is that of ... a kind of perfected middle-class home, with labour ended, the table spread, goodness all around, the lost ones restored, hymnody incessant.
Matthew Arnold, British poet and critic, Literature and Dogma, 1873

In Germany democracy died by the headman's axe. In Britain it can be by pernicious anaemia.
Aneurin Bevan, British politician

England is a nation of shopkeepers.
Napoleon Bonaparte

The average cooking in the average hotel for the average Englishman explains to a large extent the English bleakness and taciturnity. Nobody can beam and warble while chewing pressed beef smeared with diabolical mustard. Nobody can exult aloud while ungluing from his teeth a quivering tapioca pudding.
Karel Capek, Czech writer

Thirty millions, mostly fools.
Thomas Carlyle, Scottish historian and essayist (attrib.) when asked what was the population of England

Which is what they call a 'watering place'; that is to say, a place to which East India plunderers, West Indian floggers, English tax-gorgers, together with gluttons, drunkards and debauchees of all descriptions, female as well as male, resort, at the suggestion of silently laughing quacks, in the hope of getting rid of the bodily consequences of their manifold sins and iniquities ... To places like this come all that is knavish and all that is foolish and all that is base; gamesters, pickpockets, and harlots; young wife-hunters in search of rich and ugly old women, and young husband-hunters in search of rich and wrinkled or half-rotten men, the former resolutely bent, be the means what they may, to give the latter heirs to their lands and tenements.
William Cobbett, British polemicist, author and agriculturist, on Cheltenham

English Law: where there are two alternatives: one intelligent, one stupid; one attractive, one vulgar; one noble, one ape-like; one serious and sincere, one undignified and false; one far-sighted, one short; everybody will invaribly choose the latter.
Cyril Connolly, British critic, Journal and Memoir, ed. D. Pryce-Jones, 1983

Sheep with a nasty side.
Cyril Connolly, quoted by Gavin Ewart in Quarto, 1980

The English think that incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
Quentin Crisp, British writer, in the New York Times, 1977

England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion, the jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays.
Eustache Deschamps, French balladeer and satirist

Poltroons, cowards, skulkers and dastards.
Eustache Deschamps

Freedom of discussion is in England little else than the right to write or say anything which a jury of twelve shopkeepers think it expedient should be said or written.
A. V. Dicey, British historian, introduction to the Study of the Law of the Constitution, 1885

It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life, and then come round.
Lord Alfred Douglas, British writer, 1938

This is an English oath.
Dutch saying

Paralytic sycophants, effete betrayers of humanity, carrion-eating servile imitators, arch-cowards and collaborators, gang of women-murderers, degenerate rabble, parasitic traditionalists, playboy soldiers, conceited dandies.
East German Communist Party's approved terms of abuse in 1953 for East German speakers when describing Britain

It is an Englishman's privilege to grumble.
English saying

Gluttony is the sin of England.
English saying

An Englishman loves a lord.
English saying

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
W. C. Fields, US film star, quoted in D. Waliechinsky, The 20th Century, 1995

From England, neither fair wind, nor good war.
French saying

England: a good land and a bad people.
French saying

The English have one hundred religions, but only one sauce.
French saying

The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot.the salmon and you'll never be asked again.
Clement Freud, British writer, Freud on Food, 1978

About one thing the Englishman has a particularly strict code. If a bird says Cluk bik bik bik bik and caw you may kill it, eat it or ask Fortnums to pickle it in Napoleon brandy with wild strawberries. If it says tweet it is a dear and precious friend and you'd better lay off it if you want to remain a member of Boodles.
Clement Freud, Freud on Food, 1978

A broad definition of crime in England is that it is any lower-class activity that is displeasing to the upper class.
David Frost and Anthony Jay, British television scriptwriters, To England with Love

'English fair play' is a fine expression. It justifies the bashing of the puny draper's assistant by the big hairy blacksmith, and this to the perfect satisfaction of both parties, if they are worthy the name of Englishman.
Joseph Furphy, Australian novelist, Such Is Life, 1903

Among three Italians will be found two clergymen; three Spaniards two braggarts; among three Germans two soldiers; among three Frenchmen, two chefs, and among three Englishmen two whoremongers.
German saying

The German originates it, the Frenchman imitates it, the Englishman exploits it.
German saying

It is related of an Englishman that he hanged himself to avoid the daily task of dressing and undressing.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet and playwright

The English never smash in a face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner.
Margaret Halsey, US writer, With Malice Toward Some, 1938

The attitude of the English towards English history reminds one a good deal of the attitude of a Hollywood director towards love.
Margaret Halsey, With Malice Toward Some, 1938

It is only necessary to raise a bugbear before the English imagination in order to govern it at will. Whatever they hate or fear, they implicitly believe in, merely from the scope it gives to these passions.
William Hazlitt, British essayist, The Life of Napoleon Buonaparte, 1830

From every Englishman emanates a kind of gas, the deadly choke-damp of boredom.
Heinrich Heine, German poet

The devil take these people and their language! They take a dozen monosyllabic words in their jaws, chew them, crunch them and spit them out again, and call that speaking. Fortunately they are by nature fairly silent, and although they gaze at us open-mouthed, they spare us long conversations.
Heinrich Heine

The people have no ear, either for rhythm or music, and their unnatural passion for pianoforte playing and singing is thus all the more repulsive. There is nothing on earth more terrible than English music, except English painting.
Heinrich Heine

A demon took a monkey to wife — the result by the Grace of God was the English.
Indian saying

The only time England can use an Irishman is when he emigrates to America and votes for Free Trade.
Irish saying

England is the paradise of women, the purgatory of servants and the hell of horses.
Italian saying

Only Englishmen and dogs walk in the sun.
Italian saying

Pass a law to give every single whingeing bloody Pommie his fare home to England. Back to the smoke and the sun shining ten days a year and shit in the streets. Yer can have it.
Thomas Keneally, Australian writer, The Chant of Jimtnie Blacksmith, 1972

England has become a squalid, uncomfortable, ugly place ... an intolerant, racist, homophobic, narrow-minded, authoritarian, rat-hole run by vicious, suburban-minded, materialistic philistines.
Hanif Kureishi, British writer, 1988

[England is] like a prostitute who, having sold her body all her life, decides to quit and close her business, and then tells everybody she wants to be chaste and protect her flesh as if it were jade.
He Manzi, Chinese politician, in the Shanghai Liberation Daily

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, palsied, pulseless lot that make up England. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed. They can nothing but frogspawn the gibberers. Why, why, why, was I born an Englishman!
D. H. Lawrence, British novelist, after a publisher rejected his manuscript of Sons and Lovers, 1912

The English people on the whole are surely the nicest people in the world, and everybody makes everything so easy for everyone else, that there is almost nothing to resist at all.
D. H. Lawrence, 'Dull London', Evening News, 1928

I think that those who accuse the English of being cruel, envious, distrustful, vindictive and libertine, are wrong. It is true, they take pleasure in seeing gladiators fight, in seeing bulls torn to pieces by dogs, seeing cocks fight, and that in the carnivals they use batons against the cocks, but it is not out of cruelty so much as coarseness.
A. R. Le Sage, French writer, 1715

We know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its periodical fits of morality.
Thomas Babington Macaulay, British historian, in the Edinburgh Review, June 1831

England is, after all, the land where children were beaten, wives and babies bashed, football hooligans crunch, and Miss Whip and Miss Lash ply their trade as nowhere else in the western world. Despite our belief [that] we are a 'gentle' people we have, in reality, a cruel and callous streak in our sweet natures, reinforced by a decadent puritan strain which makes some of us believe that suffering, whether useful or not, is a fit scourge to the wanton soul.
Colin Maclnnes, British writer, in New Society, 1976

The English, who eat their meat red and bloody, show the savagery that goes with such food.
J. O. de la Mettrie, French philosopher

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
George Mikes, Hungarian writer, How To Be an Alien, 1946

A ready means of being cherished by the English is to adopt the simple expedient of living a long time. I have little doubt that if, say, Oscar Wilde had lived into his nineties, instead of dying in his forties, he would have been considered a benign, distinguished figure suitable to preside at a school prize-giving or to instruct and exhort scout masters at their jamborees. He might even have been knighted.
Malcolm Muggeridge, British journalist, in Esquire magazine, 1961

The people of England are never so happy as when you tell them they are ruined.
Arthur Murray, British writer, The Upholsterer, 1758

The English are the people of consummate cant.
Friedrich Nietzsche, German political philosopher, Twilight of the Idols, 1889

A nation of ants, morose, frigid, and still preserving the same dread of happiness and joy as in the days of John Knox.
Max O'Rell (Paul Blouet), French writer, 1883

To learn English you must begin by thrusting the jaw forward, almost clenching the teeth, and practically immobilizing the lips. In this way the English produce the series of unpleasant little mews of which their language consists.
Jose Ortega y Gasset, Spanish essayist and philosopher

FAY: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. TRUSCOTT: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
Joe Orton, British playwright, Loot, 1966

A family with the wrong members in control - that, perhaps, is as near as one can come to describing England in a phrase.
George Orwell, British novelist and essayist, The Lion and the Unicorn, 1941

... where the Greeks had modesty, we have cant; where they had poetry, we have cant; where they had patriotism, we have cant; where they had anything that exalts, delights, or adorns humanity, we have nothing but cant, cant, cant.
Thomas Love Peacock, British writer, Crochet Castle, 1831

The English people fancy they are free; it is only during the election of Members of Parliament that they are so. As soon as these are elected the people are slaves ... In the brief moments of their liberation the abuse made of it fully deserves that it should be lost.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau, French philosopher, The Social Contract, 1761

The English are ... perfidious and cunning, plotting the destruction of the lives of foreigners, so that even if they humbly bend the knee, they cannot be trusted.
Leo de Rozmital, Czech travel writer

Beware of a white Spaniard and a black Englishman.
Saying

The perfidious, savage, disdainful, stupid, slothful, inhospitable, stupid English.
Julius Caesar Scaliger, French physician and scholar

The Englishman is never content but when he is grumbling.
Scottish saying

Lang beards heartless, painted hoods witless, gay coats graceless, mak' England thriftless.
Scottish saying

England were but a fling
Save for the crooked stick and the grey-goose wing.
Scottish saying

An Englishman does everything on principle: he fights you on patriotic principles; he robs you on business principles; he enslaves you on imperial principles.
George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic, The Man of Destiny, 1898

Englishmen never will be slaves; they are free to do whatever the government and public opinion allow them.
George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, 1903

[The] English ... talk loud and seem to care little for other people. This is their characteristic, and a very brutal and barbarous distinction it is.
Sydney Smith, British clergyman, essayist and wit

It must be acknowledged that the English are the most disagreeable of all the nations of Europe, more surly and morose, with less disposition to please, to exert themselves for the good of society, to make small sacrifices, and to put themselves out of their way.
Sydney Smith

What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion.
Sydney Smith

The moment the very name of Ireland is mentioned, the English seem to bid adieu to common feeling, common prudence, and common sense, and to act with the barbarity of tyrants, and the fatuity of idiots.
Sydney Smith

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire - God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.
Duncan Spaeth, US writer, quoted in The Book of Insults by N. McPhee, 1978

The Englishman is a drunkard.
Spanish saying

The English never know when they are beaten.
Spanish saying

The High Dutch pilgrims, when they beg, do sing; the Frenchmen whine and cry; the Spaniards curse, swear and blaspheme; the Irish and English steal.
Spanish saying

Do you speak English?
Spanish saying

The English take their pleasures sadly, after the fashion of their country.
Maximilien de Bethune, Due de Sully, French minister

In all the four corners of the earth one of these three names is given to him who steals from his neighbour: brigand, robber or Englishman.
Les Tirades de I'Anglais, 1572

The English think soap is civilization.
Heinrich von Treitschke, German philosopher

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
Peter Ustinov, British playwright, actor and wit, in Time & Tide magazine

London, black as crows and noisy as ducks, prudish with all the vices in evidence, everlastingly drunk, in spite of ridiculous laws about drunkenness, immense, though it is really basically only a collection of scandal-mongering boroughs, vying with each other, ugly and dull, without any monuments except interminable docks.
Paul Verlaine, French poet

The two sides of industry have traditionally always regarded each other in Britain with the greatest possible loathing, mistrust and contempt. They are both absolutely right.
Auberon Waugh, British journalist, in Private Eye, 1983

In England we have come to rely upon a comfortable time-lag of a century intervening between the perception that something ought to be done and a serious attempt to do it.
H. G. Wells, British writer, The Work, Wealth and Happiness of Mankind, 1934

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public on all points is one of the first elements of sanity, one of the deepest consolations in all moments of spiritual doubt.
Oscar Wilde, Irish author, playwright and wit, lecture, 1882

In England it is enough for a man to try and produce any serious, beautiful work to lose all his rights as a citizen.
Oscar Wilde, lecture, 1882

Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any other disease. Fortunately, in England at any rate, thought is not catching.
Oscar Wilde, The Decay of Lying, 1889

The English public takes no interest in a work of art until it is told that the work in question is immoral.
Oscar Wilde

The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
Alexander Woollcott, US writer and broadcaster

Feeling a lot better today.

by lee954 @ 15 Oct. 2006 – 12:54:11

The aches and pains have gone but my fever remains. I don't mind it when it's just the fever though, so I've been doing a bit of gardening this morning; mainly tidying up (in particular sweeping up the hundreds of acorns which have fallen from my oak tree - I have to keep the path to the wheelie bin clear because when I step on them they start to roll and it's worse than when it's icy underfoot.)

A list of palindromes

by lee954 @ 15 Oct. 2006 – 11:03:09

A palindrome is a word, phrase, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward. Taking a normal word like "browse" and typing "browse swobr" doesn't count because it doesn't make any sense. It has to be a valid sentence to be a true palindrome.

1. Naomi, sex at noon taxes. I moan.

2. Never odd or even.

3. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

4. Madam, I'm Adam.

5. Sit on a potato pan, Otis.

6. Sit on Otis.

7. Go Hang a Salami, I'm a Lasagna Hog!

8. Too Hot to Hoot

9. Was it a bat I saw?

10. Some men interpret nine memos.

11. Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.

12. Lee had a heel.

13. I saw desserts; I'd no lemons; alas, no melon. Distressed was I.

14. I was now won, saw I

15. God met I, NIN item dog

16. Bob

17. Saippuakauppias

18. Mom

19. Dad

20. Hannah

21. Otto

22. So many dynamos

23. Enid and Edna dine

24. "Reviled did I live," said I, as evil I did deliver

25. Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

26. 10/02/2001

27. Pam loots a stool map

28. Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas

29. Abba

30. 10/11/01

31. Radar

32. Kayak

33. Nurses run

34. Rotator

35. Live was i ere i saw evil

36. Yo banana boy

37. "Not for Cecil?" asks Alice Crofton.

38. Now do I repay a period won.

39. Selim's tired; no wonder, it's Miles.

40. He was as a saw, eh?

41. Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

42. "Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod.

43. 10/22/01

44. Able was I, ere, I saw Elba

45. Level

46. Toot

47. Did

48. Redivider

49. Word row

50. Swap God for a janitor, rot in a jar of dog paws.

51. Wo, Nemo, toss a lasso to me now!

52. Ten animals slam in a net

53. Go dog

54. Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.

55. Did I, debating, Nita dating, Nita bed? I did.

56. Tons forever of snot!

57. Natasha lived as a devil. Ah, Satan!

58. Devil lived

59. To rococo rot

60. Rise to vote, sir

61. Redder

62. Stats

63. Aibohphobia (tongue-in-cheek word for fear of palindromes)

64. Noon

65. Boob

66. Wow

67. Ni talar bra latin! (Swedish for: you speak good latin)

68. Dr. Awkward

69. Oh poop ho!

70. Neil, an alien

71. Racecar

72. Was it a cat I saw?

73. Do geese see God?

74. Emily's Sassy Lime

75. 2/02/02

76. Kayak

77. T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I'd assign it a name: 'Gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet'.

78. Rats live on no evil star

79. Oh no! Don Ho!

80. Smart trams

81. SPAM maps

82. Name no one man

83. Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna

84. Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap

85. Level? No, I tan, I'm at no contamination level

86. Now, Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.

87. We repaid a no name Pacific ape man on a diaper, ew!

88. Yo, boy! Trap gnus, nude. 'Kangaroo Rag' naked unsung party, O boy!

89. Did I strap red nude, red rump, also slap murdered underparts? I did!

90. Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

91. Degas, are we not drawn onward, we freer few, drawn onward to new eras aged?

92. Garret, I ogle. Enemy democrats party; trap star comedy men, eel goiter rag.

93. Lived on Decaf, Faced no Devil

94. Evil olive.

95. Tar rat

96. Star rats

97. Yo bro, free beer for boy

98. I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori

99. Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic

100. 20:02 20/02 2002

101. Was it a car or a cat I saw?

102. Liam and Edna mail.

103. 111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321

104. A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

105. Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

106. I'm a lasagna ham, ma hang a salami.

107. Noise: Lenin is an asinine lesion.

108. Sinatra tall a Tartan is.

109. Ma's made la cheese, eh Cal, Edam, Sam?

110. Animals are all in a vanilla era's lamina.

111. Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.

112. A new order began, a more Roman age bred Rowena.

113. A dog, a plan, a canal: pagoda

114. Tara Lee has a lad; alas, a heel, a rat.

115. Dana did an ad.

116. A hero, glad Al Gore. Ha!

117. Keep eels asleep. Eek!

118. A toyota.

119. Star comedy by democrats.

120. Golf? No, sir. Prefer prison flog.

121. Step on no pets.

122. Dennis and Edna sinned.

123. A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal - Panama.

124. No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

125. God, a red nugget. A fat egg under a dog.

126. Live on time, emit no evil.

127. Dogma: I am God

128. Toronto, I riot! No rot! (Inspired by garbage strike in Toronto).

129. Llama mall.

130. Rot in a jar of pot no dumb mud on top for a janitor.

131. Now sir, a war is never even sir, a war is won.

132. No lemon, no melon

133. Flee to me, remote elf.

134. As I pee, sir, I see Pisa.

135. Did Bob poop? Bob did!

136. Dennis ,Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo,

137. Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena,

138. Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan,

139. Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne,

140. Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina,

141. Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

142. Bird rib

143. Drowsy sword

144. Pullup

145. Civic

146. Senile felines.

147. Step on no pets.

148. Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.

149. Poor Dan is in a droop.

150. No it is open on one position.

151. Lonely Tylenol.

152. I saw rail rats live on radar. No evil-star liar was I.

153. A Dan, a clan, a canal, Canada.

154. Yo basil is a boy.

155. Murder for a jar of red rum.

156. Race fast, safe car.

157. Too bat I hit a boot.

158. Warsaw was raw.

159. A santa at NASA.

160. I prefer PI.

161. Put Eliot's toilet up.

The Wisdom Of Children.

by lee954 @ 15 Oct. 2006 – 09:24:46

Unfortunately no source was given for these quotes - but I do hope they are true.

1. The future of "I give" is "I take."

2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

4. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.

6. (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

7. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

8. The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

9. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it
through an aviator.

10. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

11. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

12. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom.

13. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

14. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

15. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

16. One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

17. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it
drips into the throat.

18. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

19. The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

20. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious
feelings.

21. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

22. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

23. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

24. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

25. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

26. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Ten Actual Email Addresses

by lee954 @ 15 Oct. 2006 – 07:11:02

Apparently, at some time these accounts were all genuinely active.

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

I ache all over.

by lee954 @ 14 Oct. 2006 – 15:40:31

It's not just my knee that's hurting me - I seem to be aching everywhere. It must be this bug that seems to be going around everyone; certainly I was running a high fever earlier in the week and am now shivering. I'll probably be alright for work on Monday though.

More interesting facts.

by lee954 @ 14 Oct. 2006 – 14:42:10

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces.

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones.

A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100 m.p.h..

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are one of the only birds who can see the colour blue.

The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes.

Cricketing Anecdotes

by lee954 @ 14 Oct. 2006 – 11:18:19

Richard Hadlee and Richie Benaud were commentating together. Michael Atherton was hit in the box and Hadlee said 'That ball bounced'. Benaud replied with 'Which One?'

When David Lloyd was comentating on a match in the VB series last winter, between Australia and England, Michael Clarke was bowling, and Lloyd said:"He reminds me of that popstar, what's his name? Oh, yes, it's effineff." David Gower next to him goes:"Er...no...David, its Eminem, I think"

Sami gets hit in the crotch, helmet, arm....Dean Jones " Sami has more Hits than the beatles"
After Sami got hit in the Crotch, Nehra goes back to finish the over, Sheppard to Sami "You've got two balls left"

Travel agents' terms and what they really mean.

by lee954 @ 14 Oct. 2006 – 10:21:38

Old world charm means room with no TV, radio and only one light.
Tropical means rainy.
Majestic setting means a long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore means nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway means directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms means sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own means at your own expense.
Minutes from... means by plane.
Romantic means no phone in room.
Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.
No extra fees means no extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise means your car's paint will never be the same.
Nominal fee means outrageous charge.
Standard means sub-standard.
Deluxe means barely standard.
Superior accommodations means one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities means two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home means no maid service.
Plush means both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes means in hurricane alley.
Light and airy means no air conditioning.
Picturesque means theme park nearby.
24-hour bar means ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

Some more funny mistakes made by students of English.

by lee954 @ 14 Oct. 2006 – 07:29:01

A friend in a restaurant:
Waiter, Could you bring me some kidnaps, please?

From a student's essay:
When I got home, I had a massage on the answering machine.

Sent in a message by a technical support specialist:
Feel free to contact me if you cause any problems.

Said while talking about daily routines:
In the morning, I get up at seven o'clock; clean my tooth;
have breakfast; and go to work.

Said by a student talking about differences between men and women:
I like the opposite to sex very much.

Written in a progress test by a sweet seventeen-year-old girl:
I haven't had any male for more than a month.

The phrase was said by a student who had just been given another
handout at the end of the lesson:
Excuse me. Is this the last shit for today?

From a writing task in a progress test:
I think that education in Ukraine is bed.

Some more questions to ponder.

by lee954 @ 13 Oct. 2006 – 18:49:46

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
How can there be "self help Groups"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
What should one call a male ladybird?
What would you use to dilute water?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
You can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
How can you hear yourself think?
How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

I need an operation.

by lee954 @ 13 Oct. 2006 – 15:03:45

I've just returned from the hospital where my right knee's been stretched, bent, twisted, pulled, pushed and poked; all after being x-rayed. The result is that I need an operation on it - it will probably be done sometime early next year; I'm not a priority.

The Sorting Office

by lee954 @ 13 Oct. 2006 – 05:28:15

I found this little tale on a site devoted to jokes - it's so much more than a joke though, and really gives you something to think about.

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.

He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read , "Dear God, I am an 85 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a £110 in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with some money. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95.50, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, ...

" Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4.50 missing. It was probably those thieving ba*tards at the post office. "

I've been sent these jokes - they made me laugh.

by lee954 @ 12 Oct. 2006 – 18:01:34

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy

nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**********

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the

house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain

stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**********

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

other is a husband.

**********

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card

with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to
them, "I must tell

you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

**********

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are

we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

what it feels like when I'm driving."

**********

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was

drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

In a totally female dominated world.

by lee954 @ 12 Oct. 2006 – 05:13:28

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime

All toilet seats would be nailed down

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds

"Ms" Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas

Men would have to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures

Men would get reputations for sleeping around

Men would learn phrases like:
"I'm sorry"
"I love you"
"You're beautiful"
"Of course you don't look fat in that outfit"

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flushes and women would date 19-year-olds

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot

Facts about the human body

by lee954 @ 11 Oct. 2006 – 19:33:47

I can't remember being taught any of this in biology classes at school.

The human body is an intricate, complex and amazing machine. And though we all have one, many of us don't know exactly how our heart beats, our muscles move, our bones grow or our brain thinks. There are many fascinating facts to learn and secrets to discover about the human body.

MUSCLES

• A smile uses 17 muscles while a frown uses 43.
• The smallest muscle of the body measures 1/20th of an inch. It's called the stapedius; it activates the stirrup that sends vibrations from the eardrum to the inner ear.
• The strongest muscle of the body is in your behind; it's also called the gluteus maximus.
• The tongue is also one of the strongest muscles in the body.

BONES

• At birth, you have about 300 bones, but as you grow older, small bones join together. Adults end up with about 206 bones.
• Almost every seven years, your body replaces the equivalent of an entirely new skeleton.
• Laughing and coughing puts more pressure on your spine than walking or standing.
• The largest bone is the pelvis, or hip bone.
• The smallest bone is the stirrup, deep in the ear. It is hardly larger than a grain of rice.

HEART

• If the heart is taken out of the body, it will continue to beat.
• The heart pumps more than 300 quarts of blood per hour.
• The heart will beat approximately 2.7 billion times in a lifetime.

BLOOD VESSELS & CELLS

• There are almost 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.
• Red blood cells are formed at the rate of 2 million per second.
• Within a tiny droplet of blood, there are 5 million red blood cells, 300,000 platelets and 10,000 white cells.
• It takes about 1 minute for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

BRAIN

• The brain continues to send out electrical wave signals until approximately 37 hours after death.
• The brain stops growing when you are about 15.

LUNGS

• The average person will breathe about 75 million gallons of air in a lifetime.
• People under 30 take in twice as much oxygen as people over 80.
• The right lung is slightly larger than the left.
• A person at rest usually breathes between 12 and 15 times a minute.
• Women and children have faster breathing rates than men.

DIGESTIVE SYSTEM

• The average male will eat about 50 tons of food during his lifetime to keep a weight of 150 pounds.
• It takes the body six hours to digest a high-fat meal versus two hours for a carbohydrate meal.
• For the average person, it takes eight seconds for food to travel down the esophagus, three to five hours in the small intestine, and three to four days in the large intestine.
• Your stomach produces a new lining every three days in order to avoid digesting itself in its production of acid.
• Muscles contract in waves to move food down the esophagus. This means that food would get to a person's stomach, even if he or she were standing on their head.

A Quick Decision

by lee954 @ 11 Oct. 2006 – 15:00:17

I've just received notification of my Working Tax Credit award and it's only taken them just over a week. I'll be paid £45 weekly, starting immediately: so with a rough idea of the amount of Housing Benefit I'll be getting I calculate that I'll be about £105 a week better off than on Jobseeker's Allowance. This is a lot of money to me - I'll not know what to do with it.

What mistake?

by lee954 @ 11 Oct. 2006 – 05:20:51

If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, it's an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake, it's a new venture...
If parents make a mistake, it's a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, it's a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it's a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it's a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it's a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, it's our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, it's a MISTAKE!

Fads of the 1990s.

by lee954 @ 10 Oct. 2006 – 19:00:37

Polly Pocket Toys
A popular toy for girls in the 1990's. The toy actually came out in 1989, but was most popular in the 90's.

Tickle Me Elmo
This popular toy would giggle when you tickle its belly then it would end with a "Oh boy, that tickles". Elmo, who became the most popular character from Sesame Street in the 90's was on every kids Christmas wish list and stores were selling out quickly. People who really had to have one for Christmas had to resort to buying them for more on auction websites.

Rachel Haircut
Many women in the 1990's starting cutting their hair in the same hair style as Jennifer Aniston's character 'Rachel' on the popular television sitcom Friends.

Napster
This music sharing community which is now a paid service was once free. All internet users had to do was download the software and get any mp3 music file they wanted. After a couple years, the Record Industry caught on to this, considered it piracy and took Napster to court. The result was Napster being shut down.

Children's Games/Toys
Pogs, Pokemon, Beanie Babies, Koosh Balls, Tamagotchi virtual pets, Tickle Me Elmo and Furby.

Beanie Babies
As one of the most popular, endearing and widespread fads of the last 25 years, one would imagine that Beanie Babies must have some type of unique and incredible attributes. Instead, they are simply small, inexpensively priced, stuffed animals with a tag stating the animal's name and birth date. Despite logic, the stuffed animals created an almost cutthroat collecting frenzy, which inadvertently spawned magazines, websites and fan clubs.

In 1993, Beanie Babies made their debut and were being sold in early 1994 in Chicago area stores. As word of mouth cast attention on the stuffed animals, interest, and therefore, sales of the toys grew significantly. By mid-1994, Ty, Inc., was offering more than 30 additional versions in order to meet the collecting craze that was now spreading across the United States. By 1996, more than 100 million Beanie Babies were sold and the craze was now spreading across the world. The popularity of the craze was not lost upon corporate America. In April 0f 1997, the McDonalds Corporation entered into an agreement with Ty, Inc. and began bundling certain Beanie Babies with the company's "Happy Meals." Within 14 days, over 100 million of the Beanie Babies had been issued through the food chain.

Because of their success, the toys have spawned numerous websites, magazines and fan clubs.. Many collectors have hundreds of the dolls stored in their attic, hoping that they will one day be worth a king's ransom. With the huge number of Beanie Babies in the hands of the public, they will be very lucky just to reach their investments

Fanny Packs/Bum Bags
Purses that buckle on to the waist. Very popular in the early 1990. Now it's considered to be a fashion faux pas.

Overalls
Although popular in the 1970's, in the early 1990's teens wore their overalls in two ways: they wore their overalls with a belt, and let the 'front flap' and 'back straps' hang straight down. The other way was to only hook together one side of the overall straps, and leave the opposite side open. The popular over-all styles were: light blue; or gray stonewashed; overalls, with lots of zippers and metal buttons down the sides.

Piercings
Getting your tongue, belly button, eyebrow, nipple, etc. pierced was the popular thing to do to show your "coolness."

Tattoos
Formerly a preference for gang members, jailbirds and other rebels, tattoos are now so common that even the Spice Girls have them. You used to get a tattoo to stand out, now you get one to blend in.

Bleached Hair
This fad was popular with high school and college students. Many just bleached their tips. This fad really caught on in the mid 90's and continued into 2000.

Push Pops
Lollypops that would be in almost a lipstick tube type container you would push at the bottom to get the lollypop to get out of the tube. This pushing in the tube made your finger all sticky.

Grunge
Whether it was worn out jeans or a flannel shirt grunge music and grunge fashion was big in the 90's.

Budweiser Wassup Commerical
This popular Budweiser beer commercial started a new trend for the 90's. It caught on quick. People were answering their own phones and saying, "Wassssssuuup!!". There were even many different mocked versions all over the internet.

The Macarena
During the 90's you couldn't turn on the tv, radio or go to parties without hearing this song. People would dance The Macarena to the song made popular by Los Del Rio.

Furby
First introduced in 1998, this interactive furry toy had a mind of its own. It spoke its own language and communicated with other Furbys. It was so popular that many stores sold out early for Christmas.

Gigapets / Tomogatchi
Very popular little electronic device that needed to be feed and cared for. If not then it would die. Kids used to carry them around everywhere they went..

Travel Agent Stories

by lee954 @ 10 Oct. 2006 – 18:02:54

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers...

True stories told by US travel agents about some of their clients.

Someone asked for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

Some Stupid Quotes

by lee954 @ 10 Oct. 2006 – 05:55:56

Stupid Quotes

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
- Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?
- Harry News, music reviewer

"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
- Herb Score, Sportscaster

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.

"We're going to move left and right at the same time."
- Jerry Brown, Governor of California

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
- Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

Fred Trueman Quotes.

by lee954 @ 09 Oct. 2006 – 18:00:39

One of my childhood heroes, who sadly died earlier this year.

There's only one head bigger than Tony Grieg's and that's Birkenhead.

I need nine wickets from this match, and you buggers had better start drawing straws to see who I don't get.

The definitive volume on the finest bloody fast bowler that ever drew breath [on his autobiography]

I'd have looked even faster in colour.

Women are for batsmen, beer is for bowlers. God help the all-rounders!

Use every weapon within the rules and stretch the rules to breaking point, I say.

I am here to propose a toast to sportswriters. It's up to you whether you stand up or not.

Unless something happens that we can't predict, I don't think a lot will happen.

To be a great fast bowler, you need a big heart and a big bottom.

If there is any game in the world that attracts the half-baked theorist more than cricket I have yet to hear of it.

We didn't have any metaphors in my day. We didn't beat about the bush

Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologizes sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred."
"So should your mother," he replied.

Assigning gender to English nouns.

by lee954 @ 09 Oct. 2006 – 05:41:03

Unlike most languages, English doesn't assign gender to nouns; however readers of an American magazine were invited to submit funny reasons why certain words should be gender-specific.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up - because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider: it gives man pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Where I Used To Live.

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 18:27:04

From 1972 to 1997 I used to live in Thurnscoe. Here's a report about the place on a site called 'Chav Towns.'

"Come to sunny Thurnscoe, once the largest village in the world according to the Guinness book of records; and located centrally in the Dearne Valley region of South Yorkshire; where you will find some of the highest incidences of deaths from heart disease and lung cancer in the whole UK.
Drive past the industrial estate where once stood a thriving colliery. Thanks to Mrs Thatcher it closed in 1989, but don’t fret; thanks to the miners strike and its after effects benefit culture & a slack attitude towards the property of others has been a permanent feature since 1984.
Why not stop at the Pit-Shop opposite , where dirty children hanging about sharking for any opportunity to pursue the popular local pastime of shoplifting will surely enchant you.
Feel yourself go all mushy and gooey inside as they blankly stare, rivulets of snot dribbling from their were-pig noses, then hail you with their customary greeting “Ah seh!” Translation: “I say old chap, hello how the devil are you, and what would you happen to be fixing your gaze upon this fine evening?” Watch with wide-eyed-wonderment as they desperately try to string a coherent sentence together before settling on a curt “Yer wot?” or“Fuck off”. Do not be alarmed if they then proceed on their merry, innocent little way on some form of motorised petrol driven transport.
Children in the Dearne Valley region of South Yorkshire are encouraged to take up driving from an early age. Many being issued with the parts to build the staple filthy, illegal, hybrid moped as a kind of rite of passage / family tradition. These machines are derived from a stockpile of 60’s-80’s Honda 50’s with plastic farings; known locally as “Plags” or “Plaggys”; and the mopeds you used to have to pedal for a bit before starting up…the “pedal and pop” in local dialect.
They are serviced by specialist mechanics, who blasted their minds out on Bostik during the mid 80’s. Although they are now barely able to fire enough neurons to produce human speech from their crusty, scabby gobs, their solvent-shredded synapses are still capable of rapid motor control, and they can strip a motorbike, hybridise, and re-build it within five minutes.
This is the tax-free transport of choice for all ages around the village, as well as scrambler bikes, and more recently the quad and mini-quad. Indeed, it is not rare to spot three generations of the same family – Grandad (35) Son (20) and granddaughter (6) -careering across a public highway on the same clapped-out motorbike.
These machines also function as a primary leisure activity for local Chavs and Chavesses. Hang about the main road through the village long enough and you are sure to witness many displays of despicable dobber derring-do. A Chav / Chavette on an illegal bike zooms out of a junction with reckless disregard for passing traffic / personal safety or pedestrians then proceeds to rag the bollocks off their pride and joy down the main road trying to maintain a wheelie for as long as possible. Don’t expect to see any casualties however. Unfortunately, 4-5 generations of this reckless, illegal motor-biking coupled with heavy exposure to E-numbers from Panda Pops and more recently Sunny D has hard-wired the ability to handle an illegal bike under any circumstances into their DNA. The Thurnscoe Chav on a moped is the petrol equivalent of a Spanish riding school adept atop a Palomino, especially when tanked-up on Kestrel Super Strength tempered by Temazepam and methadone.
This familiarity with motorised vehicles from an early age does however, lead to a distinct lack of fear towards them and also a complete disregard for the highway code. Observe open-mouthed as local pedestrians lurch out to cross the carriageway upon your approach, impinging upon your right of way. Recoil from the torrent of abuse that will be heaped upon you by the slack-jawed proto-anarchist with little regard for societal convention, and a practical knowledge of the green cross code that is slim-to-none at best. Just drive on, in his tiny little mind you’re the one in the wrong, and you wouldn’t like him (and his 20 mates, extended family & mob rule mentality random passers-by) when they’re angry.
Similarly this reliance upon personal motivation has led to an almost pathological hatred of public transport amongst many of the locals. See how many smashed plexi-glass bus-shelters you can see, and write it down in your jotter. If you are fortunate enough to visit at a time when South Yorkshire Passenger Transport Executive is actually letting buses through Thurnscoe, after school home-time be sure to watch out for native ambushes. Usually some common-sense-free little prick lays down in the road impeding the buses progress whilst the rest of the pack run out from their hiding places and lob bricks and stones at the bus, occasionally assaulting / intimidating the hapless driver. This is a simply breathtaking spectacle that has to be witnessed in its spectacularly brain-dead glory for optimum effect.
As you venture through the top-end estate be sure to play the Good House / Bad House game. See if you can spot the real working class houses, bought from the Tories in the 80’s and well maintained by normal people with gainful employment. These can often be found next to the “Bad House”, bought by the Housing Association and let out to dole-wallah, estate-pikeys who think nothing of moving in, stripping the piping, fixtures / fittings and even the roofing. Then they up sticks to another area, to repeat the cycle when they’re on yet another housing blacklist.
See how shiny and new the windows in the “Good House” garden shed look. That’s because they were only replaced last week following a break-in by one of the “Bad House” residents who has stolen a £1500 lawnmower, a £500 mountain bike and approximately £1200 of power-tools. He or she has then proceeded to trade these ill-gotten gains for a tenner bag of smack, or an eighth of an ounce of finest Moroccan compressed vinyl, masquerading as cannabis whilst the householder’s insurance premiums soar.
If you see a boarded up derelict house, don’t worry. One of the fire-worshipping locals will burn it out soon enough, or alternatively Barnsley Council will let it be used as a children’s / smackheads' playground whilst it deteriorates into a bomb-site eyesore over the 10 year period it will take them to issue a Compulsory Purchase Order.
So come to Thurnscoe, one of the many jewels in the Crown of England that is South Yorkshire. See the Chavs, just as nature and the British Establishment intended. Just don’t make eye contact or speak to them…follow the same safety precautions as you would in Longleat and “tha’ll be reyt!” as they say in these parts.

My Employers

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 14:18:37

I'm now employed by a local charity. Generally, having done a lot of voluntary work I'm well disposed to the voluntary and charity sector; however I'm not too impressed with the people I'm working for.

My main criticism is that they are far too reactive in what they do and obsessed with meeting externally imposed targets. The major areas of work of the organisation seem to be jobsearch, basic numeracy and literacy, playgroups and IT training - hardly earth shattering, hardly setting the agenda for the economically depressed former mining communities in the north of the borough.

Where's the passion and excitement? Where's the dynamism? The pushing forward of new and radical initiatives? The outreach and developmental work? The lobbying of politicians and local businesses?

I'm only employed on a fixed-term six month contract and so there isn't a lot I can do to shake things up (even if I want to). To be honest I don't really care that much: I'll just take the wages [minimum wage] and settle down for a quiet life for the next few months.

Interesting facts about human beings.

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 12:52:21

Grapefruit scent will make middle aged women appear six years younger to men. The perception is not reciprocal and the grapefruit scent on men has no effect on women's perception.

Women blink twice as many times as men do.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening. Layers of cartilage in the joints gets compressed during the day.

There are approx. 550 hairs in the eyebrow.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.

The life span of a taste bud is 10 days.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Kidney stones come in any colour--from yellow to brown.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They appear when the child is 2-6 years of age.

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!

The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.

If you ate too many carrots you would turn orange.

The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT.

A baby is born every seven seconds.

You can tell if a skunk is about if you smell only .000000000000071 ounce of its spray.

You breathe about 10 million times a year.

The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.

The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.

The most common time for a wake up call is 7 a.m.

The typical person goes to the bathroom 6 times a day.

The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

The most sensitive finger on the human hand is the index finger.

The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain.

After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.

A person swallows approx. 295 times while eating dinner.

Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagus.

There are more people alive today than have ever died.

The human body is better suited to two four-hour sleep cycles than one eight-hour one.

A man's beard contains between 7000 and 15,000 hairs.

A beard grows an average of 140mm a year

A hair is 70 per cent easier to cut when soaked in warm water for two minutes

Women's hair is about half the diameter of men's hair

During an average lifetime, a man will spend 3,350 hours removing 8.4 meters of stubble

4.5 million people have their health 'adversely affected' by air pollutants each year.

4 million children die each year from inhaling smoke from indoor cooking fires that burn wood and Dung

4 million people die annually from diarrhoea infections, caused by poor sanitary conditions
The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone.

Chinese Proverbs.

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 10:59:24

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Some more funny quotes

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 08:17:46

George Bernard Shaw
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
George Burns
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Jean Kerr
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Marty Feldman
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Dave Edison
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Steve Martin
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Marion Barry, Mayor
If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Oscar Wilde
As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.

Robin Williams
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Charlie Brown
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Will Rogers
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.

Stupid Warning Labels on Products.

by lee954 @ 08 Oct. 2006 – 07:02:26

Liquid Plummer Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex Do not spray in eyes.

Toilet Plunger Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter Safe to use around pets.

Bowl Fresh Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Endust Duster This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion Keep away from children

Hair Coloring Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap Directions: Use like regular soap.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash May contain foam.

Hairdryer: Do not use while taking a shower.

Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant Use only on underarms.

Zantac 75 Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Fire Extinguisher: Caution: Non-Flamable

Earplugs These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Windshield Visor Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs Caution: Risk of fire

Triops Fish Food Warning: Not for human consumption

Home Depot Treated Lumber Do not consume

Hair Dryer Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Camera This camera will only work when film is inside.

Silk Soy Milk Shake well and buy often

Slush Puppy Cup This ice may be cold

Nabisco Easy Cheese For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners This product must be cooked before eating.

Heinz Ketchup Instructions: Put on food

500-piece puzzle: Some assembly required.

Beach Ball CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

Chainsaw Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

Real Hong Kong Subtitles

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 17:11:43

These are actual English subtitles that have been used in films from Hong Kong:

> Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

> Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

> Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

> Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

> You daring lousy guy.

> Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

> Beat him out of recognizable shape!

> Yah-hah, evil spider-woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

> I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

> Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

> I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

Well, I think I've got everything I need now.

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 15:48:35

I've just popped out to the shops for the second time today, returning with my rucksack full and two heavy carrier bags, as I did this morning.

Since I've started working the only opportunities I get to do any shopping are on a Friday afternoon (when I only work a half day) and the weekends.

I'm glad that I live near to the town centre because I can't imagine having to make two journeys on the bus.

Some of life's unanswered questions.

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 14:32:07

Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere?
Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?
Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?
Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off?
Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads?
Why can't liquor freeze?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age?
Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?
Who was in the kitchen with Dina?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Fads of the 1980s

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 12:29:42

I thought I might remember more of these than I actually do.

Popples
These were popular toys in the mid 1980's. Popples were able to pull anything out of their back pouch. The craze was so huge that there was also a cartoon that followed the fad.

Jelly Shoes
If you were a little girl that grew up in the 80's, then chances are you owned a pair of jelly shoes. These were flexible bright colored jelly shoes that you could wear without socks. A very popular fad during this decade.

Slap Bracelets
A flexible metal with a colorful cloth over it. You would smack these on your wrist and it would wrap around it.

Video Arcades
There are many arcades now, but during the 80s, they were the "in" place to hangout.

Wacky WallWalker
A sticky piece of rubber that usually resembled an insect that you throw at a window or wall. The Wacky Wallwalker would then slowly walk down the surface.

Rubik's Cube
Erno Rubik was looking for a innovative method of teaching his students about 3D objects and came up with what would be called Rubik's Cube. He patented this clever cube and made millions in the early 80's. There were 43 quintillion combinations of solving the cube, which prompted many books on how to solve the cube. The world record for solving the cube is 16.5 seconds! A later version of the cube was released called "Rubik's Revenge" which had four rows of four squares instead of three on the standard cube. 100 million cubes have been sold worldwide and are even now somewhat popular in certain places in the world.

Boom Boxes
This oversized radio was popular with the youth of the early and mid-eighties because they played music so loud, you could hear them from a 100 yards away. They eventually came with dual cassette and CD players and used 8 "D" cell batteries to power the big speakers. Some had a special Bass Boost button that would make the boom boxes even louder and more annoying to most who could hear them. This fad is still popular with some young people because the new boom boxes come with MP3 players.

Wrestling
Although it has made a comeback in recent years, nothing even compares with the classic years of the WWF, and the NWA.

Neon
Pretty self explanatory. Socks, Shirts, Hair accessories, bracelets, shoe laces, store signs etc.

Break Dancing
Remember the parachute pants and cardboard boxes that dancers would gyrate themselves on? Break dancing seems so different from all other kinds of dancing that the first question people ask when they see it is: "Where did these kids learn to dance like that?" In 1969, when James Brown was getting down with his big hit "Get on the Good Foot" the Hustle was the big dance style of the day. When he performed his hit, he did the kind of dance you'd expect James Brown to do. High Energy. This eventually, evolved into break dancing.

Friendship Bracelets
Friendship bracelets came in bright colors, vibrant woven patterns, beautiful glass beadwork and NFL football team names and colors.

Cabbage Patch Dolls
Cabbage Patch Dolls were the doll craze of the 80s, and one of THE fads of the decade. Take this stroll down memory lane with the Cabbage Patch Kids and see what they've been up to lately.

Smurfs
Blue elflike creatures, dwelling happily in the forest. Creatures with names like Jokey, Greedy, and Brainy Smurf. The went through adventures, sought advice from Papa Smurf and found themselves captivated by the perky Smurfette, the only female in the clan. During Smurf Mania, they out sold Star Wars, Garfield, Snoopy, Annie and Mickey Mouse.

Koosh Balls
During the 1988 Christmas season, the Koosh ball was the hottest toy on the shelves. The Koosh ball was a rubber ball filled with a jelly-like plasma and its outside consisted of hundreds of rubber spikes making it look like a soft and flexible porcupine that did not hurt to hold or squeeze. When someone squeezed the object, the plasma caused it to squirm around in his hand while the spikes provided something to grip in one's hand.

'Baby on Board' Signs
Remember when we were supposed to avoid hitting the cars with the "Baby on Board" signs on them? It's open season on them now.

Hacky-Sack
Coordinated enough to kick a beanbag but too wimpy to be a jock? Hacky-Sack was your sport.
learn more

Vans Tennis Shoes
The shoes of choice for skateboarders everywhere. Pull on tennis shoes - no laces.

Lace fingerless gloves
a la Madonna.

Tetherball
A tetherball is similar to a volleyball and is tied to a ten-foot, vertical pole by a slender rope. Two players, who each get half of the area surrounding the pole, try to hit the tetherball ball repeatedly in one direction so that the rope wraps completely around the pole.

Miami Vice Fashion
popularized by Don Johnson on the hit tv show.

Where's the Beef
A slogan from a Wendy’s commercial for showing that other restaurants didn’t quite use as much meat on their
hamburgers. Starred an old lady named Clara Peller, who kept asking that question.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
A hit cartoon about a bunch of hip turtles who loved eating pizza and could also fight well. People bought lots of related dolls, stickers, lunchboxes, etc.

Big Hair with lots of Hairspray
Not only were the women sporting their hair like this, so were the 80's rock stars. Big hair was definantly in and so was Aqua Net hairspray to keep the hair up all day.

Goatee Beards
Goatee beards really joined the mainstream, and no longer just for bikers, wrestlers, and Satan.

He-Man
If you were a young boy growing up in the 80's then you know all about this craze. Mattel's He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was everywhere. Not only was it a popular cartoon but it was also on lunch boxes, t-shirts, school folders and many other places.

Rainbow Brite
If you were a young girl growing up in the 80's then you know all about this craze. Almost every little girl had a rainbow brite doll and watched the cartoon that went along with it.

Strawberry Shortcake
A popular 80's cartoon character. Every little girl that grew up in the 80's not only owned the doll, but also had either a Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox or blanket or even clothing with this character imprented on it.

Hyper-Color Shirts
These were shirts that changed color with temperature change.

Care Bears
Colorful, adorable, furry friends with a caring mission. These cute bears taught us how to care. Every bear came with a bright colored tummy picture that told who they were and what their special area of caring was.

Garbage Pail Kids
Garbage Pail Kids were like Cabbage Patch Kids only much more gross and the cards came with a stick of gum.... they even had their own movie.

I'm being tormented again...

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 10:58:09

...by my smoke alarms!

I was grilling some sausages for my breakfast this morning when I pulled out the grillpan to turn over the links and a bit of smoke was released causing the upstairs smoke alarm to go off yet again. It's always the upstairs one, never the downstairs one that's so much nearer - maybe it's because heat rises? I don't know.

It's bloody annoying though. I'm always tempted to rush upstairs and rip out the battery. It's reassuring to know that the damn thing works though - I just wish it would stop when I yell at it!

Redefining medical terms.

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 09:39:20

FUNNY MEDICAL TERMS!

Artery - The study of paintings.

Benign - What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

Coma - A punctuation mark.

Dilate - To live long.

Enema - Not a friend.

Fester - Quicker than someone else.

Fibula - A small lie.

Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.

Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

Node - I knew it.

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative - A letter carrier.

Rectum - Darn near killed him.

Seizure - Roman emperor.

Tablet - A small table.

Tumor - More than one.

Urine - Opposite of you're out

Varicose - Near by

The Ig Nobel Awards 2006

by lee954 @ 07 Oct. 2006 – 07:27:48

Honoring odd scientific research.

Research recognised in this year's awards -

Do feet smell like cheese?

Dung beetles are choosy about what they eat.

Why is the sound of nails screeching on a blackboard so obnoxious?

High frequency teenager repellant.

'Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage.'

Quotes about food and drink.

by lee954 @ 06 Oct. 2006 – 22:33:48

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- - - Woody Allen "Without Feathers"

A daydream is a meal at which images are eaten. Some of us are gourmets, some gourmands, and a good many take their images precooked out of a can and swallow them down whole, absent-mindedly and with little relish.
- - - W. H. Auden

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.
- - - Roseanne Barr

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
- - - James A. Beard

Food is our common ground, a universal experience.
- - - James A. Beard

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.
- - - Ed Begley, Jr.

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.
- - - Sarah Bernhardt

Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die.
- - - Bible - Isaiah 22:13

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more;
Neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.
- - - Bible Revelation 7:16

Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are.
- - - Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good.
- - - Alice May Brock

He may live without books - what is knowledge but grieving?
He may live without hope - what is hope but grieving?
He may live without love - what is passion but pining?
But where is the man that can live without dining?
- - - Edward R. Bulwer-Lytton "Lucille"

I don't eat anything that a dog won't eat. Like sushi. Ever see a dog eat sushi? He just sniffs it and says, "I don't think so." And this is an animal that licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants.
- - - Billiam Coronel

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
- - - Jim Davis (Garfield)

America knows nothing of food, love, or art.
- - - Isadora Duncan

Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs.
- - - Dwight D. Eisenhower

One can say everything best over a meal.
- - - George Eliot

Let the stoics say what they please, we do not eat for the good of living, but because the meat is savory and the appetite is keen.
- - - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.
- - - Desiderius Erasmus

A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread - and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness -
Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!
- - - Edward Fitzgerald "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam"

The main problem in marriage is that, for a man, sex is a hunger - like eating. If a man is hungry and can't get to a fancy French restaurant, he'll go to a hot dog stand.
- - - Joan Fontaine

Kill no more pigeons than you can eat.
- - - Benjamin Franklin

Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great.
- - - Henry IV of France

One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste.
- - - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Money brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends.
- - - Henrik Ibsen

When the stomach is full, it is easy to talk of fasting.
- - - Saint Jerome

A smiling face is half the meal.
- - - Latvian Proverb

They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon.
- - - Edward Lear

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- - - Fran Lebowitz

If the people have no bread, let them eat cake.
- - - (attributed to) Marie Antoinette

Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
- - - Jackie Mason

At a dinner party on should eat wisely but not too well. And talk well but not too wisely.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham

Kissing don't last: cookery do!
- - - George Meredith

We may live without friends; we may live without books
But civilized men cannot live without cooks.
- - - Owen Meredith

Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.
- - - Henry Miller

One must eat to live, not live to eat.
- - - Moliere

Jack Sprat Could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean;
And so, Betwixt them both,
They licked the platter clean.
- - - Mother Goose

Little Tom Tucker Sings for his supper.
What shall he eat?
White bread and butter.
How will he cut it
Without e'er a knife?
How will he be married
Without e'er a wife?
- - - Mother Goose

The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.
- - - P. J. O'Rourke

It's difficult to believe that people are still starving in this country because food isn't available.
- - - Ronald Reagan

You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
- - - Ronald Reagan

One may live without bread, not without roses.
- - - Jean Richepin

Nothing stimulates the practiced cook's imagination like an egg.
- - - Irma Rombauer

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- - - Carl Sandburg

Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
- - - William Shakespeare

If music be the food of love, play on.
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
- - - William Shakespeare "Twelfth Night"

There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces. Women just go right on cooking.
- - - Gail Sheehy

Chameleons feed on light and air:
Poets' food is love and fame.
- - - Percy Bysshe Shelley "An Exhortation"

Serenely full, the epicure would say, Fate cannot harm me; I have dined to-day.
- - - Sydney Smith "Recipe for Salad"

I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require as much cooking.
- - - Carrie Snow

Bachelor's fare: bread and cheese, and kisses.
- - - Jonathan Swift

My tongue is smiling.
- - - Abigail Trillin

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- - - Calvin Trillin

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.
- - - Voltaire

Quotations about Breakfast
All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
- - - John Gunther

Quotations about Cabbage
Cabbage: A vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
- - - Ambrose Bierce

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
- - - H. L. Mencken

Quotations about Cheese
Cheese--milk's leap toward immortality.
- - - Clifton Fadiman

Quotations about Chocolate
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
- - - Sandra Boynton "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.
- - - Sandra Boynton "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"

Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.
- - - Truman Capote

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who love chocolate, and communists.
- - - Leslie Moak Murray in "Murray's Law"

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.
- - - Judith Viorst

Quotations about Coffee
A cup of coffee - real coffee - home-browned, home-ground, home-made, that comes to you dark as a hazel-eye, but changes to a golden bronze as you temper it with cream that never cheated, but was real cream from its birth, thick, tenderly yellow, perfectly sweet, neither lumpy nor frothing on the Java: such a coffee is a match for twenty blue devils, and will exorcise them all.
- - - Henry Ward Beecher "Eyes and Ears"

The world's costliest coffee, at $130 a pound, is called Kopi Luwak. Essentially, it is the droppings from a type of marsupial that eats only the very best coffee beans. Plantation workers track them and scoop their precious poop.
- - - Irena Chalmers "The Great Food Almanac"

Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.
- - - Jilly Cooper

Black as the devil,
Hot as hell,
Pure as an angel,
Sweet as love.
- - - Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord "recipe for coffee"

It is disgusting to note the increase in the quantity of coffee used by my subjects and the amount of money that goes out of the country in consequence. Everybody is using coffee. If possible, this must be prevented. My people must drink beer.
- - - Frederick the Great

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- - - Alex Levine

If this is coffee, please bring some tea; but it this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- - - Abraham Lincoln

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume.
- - - John Van Druten

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girl friends. And they tolerated it and let us go ahead and play with our toys.
- - - Orson Welles

Quotations about Corn
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
- - - Garrison Keillor

Quotations about Cucumber
A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.
- - - Samuel Johnson

Quotations about Fish
Give me a fish, I eat for a day. Teach me to fish, I eat for a lifetime.
- - - Robert Louis Stevenson

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
- - - Timothy Jones

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- - - Gloria Steinem

Quotations about Garlic
There are five elements: earth, air, fire, water and garlic.
- - - Louis Diat

Quotations about Gluttony
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
- - - Erma Bombeck

Glutton: one who digs his grave with his teeth.
- - - French Proverb

When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also eat when we're rained out.
- - - Tommy Lasorda

Never eat more than you can lift.
- - - Miss Piggy

The appetite grows with eating.
- - - Francois Rabelais

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
- - - Orson Welles

Quotations about Honey
The pedigree of Honey
Does not concern the Bee -
A Clover, any time, to him,
Is Aristocracy.
- - - Emily Dickinson

'Bee vomit,' my brother said once,
'that's all honey is,' so that
I could not put my tongue to its
jellied flame without tasting
regurgitated blossoms.
- - - Rita Dove "In the Old Neighborhood"

A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
- - - Benjamin Franklin

And Honey, I miss you and I'm being good.
And I'd love to be with you if only I could.
- - - Bobby Goldboro

Quotations about Ice Cream
I doubt the world holds for anyone a more soul-stirring surprise than the first adventure with ice cream.
- - - Heywood Broun

Quotations about Oysters
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.
- - - Woody Allen

Quotations about Roast Beef
Roast Beef, Medium, is not only a food. It is a philosophy. Seated at Life's Dining Table, with the menu of Morals before you, your eye wanders a bit over the entrees, the hors d'oeuvres, and the things a la though you know that Roast Beef, Medium, is safe and sane, and sure.
- - - Edna Ferber

Quotations about Watermelon
When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.
- - - Mark Twain

Quotations about Vegetarians
I have always eaten animal flesh with a somewhat guilty conscience.
- - - Albert Einstein

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
- - - Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life"

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

Nothing more strongly arouses our disgust than cannibalism, yet we make the same impression on Buddhists and vegetarians, for we feed on babies, though not our own.
- - - Robert Louis Stevenson

Sailing terminology redefined.

by lee954 @ 06 Oct. 2006 – 18:38:30

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.

Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Companionway - a double berth.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.

Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.

Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.

Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.

Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.

Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you.

Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can’t find.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink.

Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation(usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Swell - a wave that’s just great.

"No Jackets Required"

Square Rigger - a rigger over 30.

'Lessons to be learnt.'

by lee954 @ 06 Oct. 2006 – 14:54:14

15 Things it takes years to learn.

1. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are excellent drivers.

4. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

5. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

6. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

9. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle and too much make-up.

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.

11. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

12. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

More funny translation errors.

by lee954 @ 06 Oct. 2006 – 05:11:48

LIST OF AMERICAN SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES
Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

1. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

4. When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

5. Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

6. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.

7. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

8. Then when Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."

9. A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

10. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since most people can not read.

Just pondering...

by lee954 @ 05 Oct. 2006 – 19:01:31

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

4. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

6. Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

7. People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

8. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office
is full of portraits by Picasso.