One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**********
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**********
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
**********
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to
them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
**********
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
**********
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
