Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

My flu has progressed from aching and stiff muscles, via hot flushes and shivering bouts to stinging eyes, sneezing and sniffles...surely this must be the final stage?

I've not needed to take any time off work though so my symptoms can't be that bad.

I'm not particularly keen on golf (I much prefer cricket) but these quotes are clever and funny.

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." -- Winston Churchill

"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." -- Jack Benny

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
What's the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

Assawoman (VA, USA)

Badgers Mount (Kent, UK)

Ballsbridge (Dublin, Ireland)

Ballville (Ohio, USA)

Bastard (Norway)

Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

Beaver (Pennsylvania)

Beaver Creek (Minnesota)

Beaver Crossing (Nebraska)

Beaver Falls (Pennsylvania)

Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

Bell End near Lickey End (Wales, UK)

Binges (Cote-D'Or, Bourgogne, France)

Bird-in-Hand (Pennsylvania, USA)

Big Bogue Homo Creek. (Mississippi, US)

Big Bone Lick (State Park, Ohio, US)

Big Knob (Kentucky, USA)

Big Ugly (West Virginia)

Bird-In-The-Hand, near Blue Ball & Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Bitter End (Tennessee, US)

Black Charlie's Opening (Australia)

Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)

Blue Ball, near Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Bobbin Head (Australia)

Booze Moor (Nth Moor, UK)

Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

Buck Snort (TN. USA)

Bumpass, (VA. USA)

Cape Cockburn (NT, Australia, near Croker Island)

Chorlton Cum Hardy ( Lancs, UK) *

Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

Climax (Colorado, USA)

Climax (NC, USA)

Climax (Pennsylvania, USA)

Climax (Saskatchewan)

Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)

Clones (Co.Monaghan Ireland)

Cockburn (Australia)

Cockermouth (West Lake District, Cumbria. UK)

Cockermouth (Cornwall, UK)

Cockland (Ohio, USA)

Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland)

Cockup (Lake District, Cumbria. UK)

Come by Chance (Newfoundland)

Conception Junction (Missouri, USA)

Conception Bay (Newfoundland)

Condom (Sth. West France)

Cooter (Missouri, USA)

Coxsackie (New York, US)

Crappo (Maryland, USA)

Crapstone (Devon, UK)

Crotch Lake (Ontario, Canada)

Cumming (GA. USA)

Cunt (Spain)

Cunter (Switzerland)

Defiance (Ohio)

Dikshit (India)

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

Ding Dong (Texas, USA)

Dirty Devil River (southern Utah, feeds into the Colorado River, US)

Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

Dorking (Surrey, UK)

Due West (South Carolina, USA)

Dunnydoo (NSW, Australia)

Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)

Effin (Limerick, Ireland)

Eighty-Four (Pennsylvania, USA)

Elephant Butte (New Mexico, USA)

Erect (NC, USA)

Fleatown (OH, USA)

Fockbury in the Parish of Catshill (Worcestershire, UK)

Frog Suck (Wyoming)

Fucking, (Austria)

Fuku (Shensi, China)

Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

Fukum (Yemen)

Fukumama (Fukuoka Japan)

Gaysport (Ohio, USA)

Glasscock (Texas, USA)

Goose Pimple Junction (VA, USA)

Goosey (Oxfords, UK)

Great Cockup & Little Cockup (2 hills in The Lake District, UK )

Great Snoring (Norfolk, UK)

Gurney Slade (Avon, UK)

Hackballscross (Dundalk, Ireland)

Ham, near Sandwich (Kent, UK)

Hardscrabble (Delaware, USA)

Head Of Grassy (Kentucky)

Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump (Alberta, Canada)

Hell (Texas)

Herpes (village in France)

Hicksville (New York, USA)

Hicksville (Ohio, USA)

High Point, Climax, With Intercourse (3 neighbouring US towns, PA)

Homerville (Georga, US)

Hookersville (West Virginia)

Hope Point (Greenland)

Horneyman (Kent, UK)

Hornytown (North Carolina, USA)

Humptulips, (Washington, USA)

Lord Hereford's Knob, nr. Hay-on-Wye, UK

Innaloo (Western Australia)

Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

Iron Knob (Qld., Australia)

Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

Knob Lick (Kentucky, USA)

Knob Lick (Missouri, USA)

Knob Noster (Missouri, USA)

Lake Minnewanka (Canada)

Lake Poopo (Peru / Bolivia)

Lake Titicaca (Peru / Bolivia) (which flows into Lake Poopo)

Lickey End (Wales, UK)

Little Dix Village (West Indies)

Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales, U.K.)

Long Dong (Guangxi, China)

Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

Lord Hereford's Knob (near Hay-on-Wye, UK)

Lost (U.K.)

Lower Piddle on the Marsh (Gloucestershire, UK)

Lovejoy (GA. USA)

Loyalsockville (PA, USA)

Maidenhead (U.K.)

Mianus, (Ct. USA.)

Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

Monkey's Eyebrow (Kentucky)

Moosejaw (Saskatchewan, Canada)

Morehead City (NC, USA)

Mount Mee (Qld., Australia)

Mount Ringwood (NT, Australia, SE of Darwin)

Mount Titlis (Switzerland)

Muff (Northern Ireland)

Nob End (Bolton, UK)

Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

Northeast (Pennsylvania, USA)

Onacock (Virginia, USA)

Once Brewed & Twice Brewed, both near Corbridge, UK

Panic (Pennsylvania, US)

Pecker's Point (Newfoundland, Canada)

Pee Pee in Pike County (Ohio)

Penny (B.C., Canada)

Petting (Germany)

Phuket (Thailand)

Piles (Costa Blanca, Spain )

Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

Poor Town (North Carolina, USA)

Pound and Beaver (5 miles apart in NE Wisconsin, USA)

Poverty, Kentucky, USA

Pratts Bottom in Orpington, Kent, UK

Prickwillow (England)

Pu Ping Palace (Doi Suthep, Thailand)

Pu-Ping River (Chang Mai, Thailand)

Pussy Creek (Ireland)

Rattlesnake Bend, Florida, US

Rectum (Netherlands)

River Piddle (Dorset, UK)

Satans Kingdom (Vermont, US)

Seaman (Ohio, USA)

Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

Seymen (Turkey)

Shafter (California, USA)

Shag Harbour (Nova Scotia)

Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

Shitagoo Lake (Quebec, Canada)

Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

Six Mile Bottom (Cambridge, UK)

Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)

Sleepy Eye (Minnesota, US)

Smelley (Alabama, US)

Soddy-Daisy (Tennessee, US)

Staines (U.K.)

Stinking Bay (Arkansas, US)

Sugar Tit (Kentucky, USA)

Sugar Tit (South Carolina, USA)

Sweet Lips (TN, USA)

Takeshita Street (Harajuku, Tokyo, Japan)

The Blue Ball (Tullamore, Ireland)

The Wee House, Piddletrentide, Dorset/Hants, England

Three Cocks (Wales, UK)

Titlis (Switzerland)

Titley (Herefordshire, UK)

Titting (Germany)

Tittybong (Australia)

Titty Ho (England)

Titz (Germany)

Tokers Green (Berkshire, UK)

Tong Fuk (Japan)

Tosu (pronounced Toss)(Fukuoka Prefecture, Japan)

Tosa (Kumamoto Prefecture, Japan)

Turdo (Romania)

Turkey City (Pennsylvania)

Turnip Hole (Pennsylvania)

Twatt (Orkney, UK)

Ugly (U.K.)

Upper Dicker & Lower Dicker (East Sussex, U.K.)

Vulcan (Alberta Canada)

Walley (Alabama, US)

Wank (Germany)

Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

Wankener (India)

Wanker's Corner (Oregon USA)

Wankie (Zimbabwe)

Wanks River (Nicaragua)

Wankum (Germany)

Watanobbi (NSW, Australia)

Weed (California, USA)

Weed Patch (California, USA)

Welch (Oklahoma, USA)

Wet Beaver Creek (Coconino National Park, Arizona, USA)

Wetwang (East Yorkshire, UK)

What Cheer (Iowa, US.)

Wideopen (Newcastle UK)

Willey (Herefordshire, UK)

Withers (Georgia, USA )

Wookey Hole Caves (Cheddar, Somerset, UK)

Worms (Nebraska, USA and Germany)

Wyre Piddle (Worcestershire, UK)

Yorkey's Knob (Queensland, Australia)

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady)
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
(Sharon Stone)

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
(Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
(Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)

Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
(Robin Williams)

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
(Billy Crystal)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
(Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.
(George Burns)

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
(Henry Kissinger - former US Secretary of State)

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.
(Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers)

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
(Dan Rather - News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for Black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
(Tiger Woods)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.
(Jack Nicholson)

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
(Roseanne)

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
(Hugh Grant)

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
(Dustin Hoffman)

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
(Elizabeth Taylor)

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
(Jerry Seinfield)

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(Robin Williams)