Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Our Complete List of Silly Puns

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Without geometry, life is pointless

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hiker was trekking through the forest and came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. The bird didn't seem well at all, but the hiker was unable to help. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with "Ill eagle in tree."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.

A princess gets her education one knight at a time.

A warehouse worker at Baccarat accidentally dropped a box of the fine crystal. So he wouldn't get in trouble he buried the box of shards in the ground. A co-worker saw him do this and led managers to where the crystal rested in pieces. The man was charged with breaking and interring.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

A good pun is its own reword

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

An optimist is a very dense fog, but a bigamist is even denser.

And don't forget the Russian astronaut who was nervous about going into space so he took too many antidepressants, became psychotic and killed his fellow crew members on the space station. He was charged with premedicated MIRder.

And then there was the guy who stabbed his own mother to death as she slept in her bed. He was charged with "mattresside"

And there's the case of a pert and perceptive young lady of our acquaintance. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So she sent him a 'Get Well' card.

As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI

At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

Baby seal walks into a club. What a tragedy.

Cell phones are a static symbol.

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion

Corduroy pillows are making headlines

Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'

Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh

Dieting is a matter of life and breedth

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual

Doctor Evil cloned himself again. This time created a full size version of himself. He was charged with "Bigger Me."

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Dollywood is currently undergoing renovations....please PARTON our dust!

Don't put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery

Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!'

Garry said, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

George Clooney was having some cosmetic surgery done.His doctor decided while George was under the knife to modify his chin. George was aghast to find that his dimple had been removed and charged the doctor with cleft of property.

Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis

Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Have you heard of the Mexican ghost named Jose? They call him, "No Weigh, Jose".

Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.

Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.

Heard about the musician that robbed the bank.... He made off with the lute!

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Hussein was brought up on charges of screwing over his people while living large.The charge was Saddamy.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".

I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris". He asked "Eurostar?" I replied, "I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise".

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a chequered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

If I planned to stay up past my bed time to pursue amour, could I say I planned to sin till late tonight?

If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.

If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?

If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad - Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never saw it coming.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!

It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"

It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds, otherwise, it would be "curtains" for everyone.

Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it said he got it for a song.

Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before