Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I've just returned from the pub where I ended up talking to a very nice, passionate Irish woman for over an hour. We talked about music, dancing, theatre, song lyrics and chocolate. Everything seemed to be going fine until I had to go for a pee - when I returned she'd gone. My mate then came over to me and said she wanted to dance with me; and he wasn't very impressed with me. Well, I didn't have a clue...I just wish women would say something if they're interested in taking things further. It's no use expecting me to pick up on body language; I haven't a clue - that's why I'm attending these group therapy sessions on Wednesday afternoons. That's why I'm forty four years old and never had a job or a relationship.

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission
On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...
On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you.
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.
Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.
This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.
Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber.

1. Some maths: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

2. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

3. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

4. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get
fired."

5. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

6. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

7. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn't added until 5 years later.

8. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

9. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts
measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots
fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

10. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

11. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

12. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

13. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

14. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

15. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The
conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped
as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents
where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to
realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

16. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during
World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

17. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

18. In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

19. Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

20. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

21. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome.
The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was
allowed, but the only way to bedisqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

22. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

23. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

24. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

25. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

26. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

27. Coca-Cola was originally green.

28. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

29. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

30. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle; G.P.

31. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

32. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB,
NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
Game.

33. The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected
people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey"),
these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their
bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores
("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all
fall down").

34. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

35. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Top Signs you are a Londoner
1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
5. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
6. The Tube makes sense
7. You strongly believe that the Tube should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro/Subway.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
9. Your door has more than three locks.
10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
11. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
12. You complain about having to mow it.
13. You know where Karl Marx is buried.
14. You consider Upminster "the countryside" because it's in Essex.
15. You think Hyde Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain."
18. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.
19. You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
20. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.K. pay in rent.
21. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
22. You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
23. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most people are heading to bed.
24. Your wardrobe is filled with black clothes.
25. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
26. You pay £2.30 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p. [I don't know what the actual prices are now]
27. You scoff at zone 4 crowd.
28. You actually take fashion seriously.
29. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
30. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
31. The UK west of Heathrow, is still theoretical to you.
32. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
33. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
34. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
35. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
36. £45 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.
37. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
38. You don't hear sirens anymore.
39. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
40. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
41. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else
until you get married.