Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?

Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?

These games were a sideshow in every sense.
We usually have the image in our minds that the Olympics are really big business. The hosting cities go out of their way to make sure that everything runs smoothly and that the best facilities are provided for the competing athletes.

But, it wasn't always this way.

Take the 1904 St. Louis, Missouri Summer Olympics for example. These games were only the third summer games ever held (There actually were no winter games at this time - they were added in 1924.). The original games were held in 1896 at Athens and were then followed by the 1900 Paris games.

The St. Louis games could hardly be called an international competition. Since traveling overseas from Europe was extremely expensive at the time, the competition consisted mostly of Americans and Canadians (of the 681 athletes, 525 were from the United States.). It should be pointed out, however, that the Olympics were not intended to be a competition among nations at the time - it was a competition among amateur athletes from around the world. It was the job of the amateur athlete to find his way to the games at his own expense. No one cared if you couldn't get there.

Needless to say, the 1904 Olympics were of relatively minor importance. They were originally scheduled to take place in Chicago, but President Roosevelt urged for the games to be held in St. Louis because the Louisiana Purchase (World) Exposition was being held there at the same time to showcase the world's newest technologies (electricity, automobiles, airplanes, etc.).

The Exposition organizers built a permanent gymnasium and a stadium with enough seats to hold some 35,000 spectators (This may sound like a lot of people, but it's really nothing when you compare it to the estimated 20 million people that attended the Exposition during its six month run.). The entire event lasted from Monday, August 29 to Saturday, September 3, 1904. There were no events scheduled for Friday, so the entire series of Olympic games lasted for just five short days.

At this point you probably don't see too much wrong with this scenario. Unfortunately, when the games were actually held, they were a disaster.

To start, if you were considered to be a minority, you had to compete in separate games. These games came under the high-sounding name of "Anthropology Days" which were held on August 12 and 13, 1904. These games were designed to face "costumed members of the uncivilized tribes" against one another. Never-to-be classic Olympic games were included - mud fighting, rock throwing, pole climbing, spear throwing, and... you get the idea...

Things went downhill from there.

In swimming, Hungary's Zoltan Halmay won the 100m and 50m freestyle. Originally, Halmay beat American J. Scott Leary by just one foot in the 50m event. However, the American judge ruled that Leary had won. This ruling resulted in a brawl between the two, so the judges ordered a rematch. Halmay won on the second attempt. (They couldn't check the videotape at this time in history.)

An American gymnast named George Eyser won two gold, two silver, and one bronze medal at the games. Quite a remarkable feat when you consider the fact that he only had one real leg - the other leg was solid wood (His leg was amputated when he was run over by a train - Ouch!).

Now for the competition that they would really like to strike from the record books - the Marathon.

The marathon was run on a very humid, 90+ degree day. The 40 kilometer course started with five laps around the stadium track. The runners then left the stadium and embarked on a dusty, unpaved course that took them up-and-down over seven different hills. The path was marked by red flags that designated the way. A vanguard of horsemen cleared the trail along the way. They were followed by doctors, judges, and reporters in the newly invented automobiles. The net result was a constant cloud of dust kicked up into the runners' faces. They were literally forced to eat dust.

The first man to cross the finish line was Fred Lorz from New York City. Lorz had completed the race in just over three hours time. When he entered the stadium, the crowd roared with excitement. Photographs were taken of President Roosevelt's daughter Alice placing a laurel wreath over Lorz's head.

Lorz's moment in the limelight did not last very long. Just as Lorz was about to accept his medal, officials learned that Lorz had been spotted passing the halfway mark in an automobile. It seems that Lorz had been suffering from cramps, so he hitched a ride at the 9 mile point. He then rode in the vehicle for another eleven miles, at which point the car overheated and broke down. He waived at the spectators and fellow runners along the way. Lorz, now rejuvenated from his ride, chose to run the rest of the race.

Lorz claimed that he never meant to fool anyone - he just couldn't resist the praise and adulation of the roaring crowd. Lorz was immediately banned for life from any future amateur competition. This ban was lifted a year later allowing him to win the Boston Marathon (we'll assume that he was closely watched).

So, if Lorz didn't win, who did?

It was a British-born man named Thomas Hicks who ran for the American team. Hicks ran the race in 3:28:53. When he ran into the stadium the crowd was less than enthusiastic. After all, they had already cheered for a winner, even if he had been disqualified.

Of course, good little Alice Roosevelt was again ready to pose with the winner. But she couldn't. Hicks had to be carried off of the track. It seems that Hicks had begged to lie down about ten miles from the finish line. Instead, his trainers gave him an oral dose of strychnine sulfate mixed into raw egg white to keep him going. This was not enough - they had to give him several more doses, as well as brandy, along the way. By the end of the race, Hicks had to actually be supported by two of his trainers so that he could cross the finish line (essentially, he was carried over the line with his feet moving back-and-forth). Hicks was very close to death's door. It took four doctor's to get him in good enough shape just to leave the grounds, eventually falling asleep on a trolley.

Wait! That's not the end of the story! (can it get any more bizarre?)

It seems that another entrant was a Cuban postman named Felix Carvajal. Once Felix heard about the marathon, he announced that he was going to run. He had no money, so he quit his job and went into the fund raising business. He ran around the central square in Havana and jumped on a soapbox pleading for donations. He repeated this several times until he raised the necessary cash.

On his way to the race, Felix managed to lose all of his money in a crap game in New Orleans. As a result, he had to hitchhike his way to the games (not an easy thing to do in 1904). When Carvajal arrived at the games, he lacked any type of running gear. The officials were forced to postpone the start of the marathon for several minutes while he cut the sleeves off his shirt and the legs off his pants. He ran the race in lightweight street shoes.

During the race, Felix didn't seem to fatigue easily. He constantly conversed with the crowd, even running backwards at times while he spoke to them in broken English.

But wait, in keeping with the 1904 tradition it had to get worse for poor Felix:

He blew any chance of victory by getting hungry. He first ate some peaches that he stole from a race official. He then took a detour into an orchard to munch on some green apples. Big mistake - he developed stomach cramps and had to temporarily drop out of the marathon. Eventually, Felix got back in the race and managed to come in fourth place. He probably would have won if he had not gotten the munchies.

Hold it - the marathon is still not over!

The marathon included the first two black Africans to compete in the Olympics - two Zulu tribesman named Lentauw (real name: Len Taunyane)and Yamasani (real name: Jan Mashiani). They wore bibs 35 and 36, respectively.

The only problem was that these two tribesmen were not in town to compete in the Olympics - they were actually the sideshow! Yes, they were imported by the exposition as part of the Boer War exhibit (both were really students at Orange Free State in South Africa, but no one wanted to believe that these tribesmen could actually be educated - it would have ruined the whole image).

Lentauw finished ninth and Yamasani came in twelfth. This was a disappointment, as many observers were sure Lentauw could have done better - that is if he had not been chased nearly a mile off course by a large, aggressive canine!

The marathon was over, but there is still one more little story to go along with this:

It seems that two of the patrolling officials driving in a brand-new automobile were forced to swerve to avoid hitting one of the runners - they ended up going down an embankment and were severely injured.

In the end, the St. Louis Olympics (along with the previous Paris games) proved to be such a disaster that the Olympic Committee was forced to hold interim Olympic games in 1906 at Athens, in an attempt to revive the flagging Olympic movement. These games were not numbered, but were attended by twenty countries and put the Olympics back on a steady course to success.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower.

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.