Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. (unknown)

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children ~ Alex Haley

The simplest toy even the youngest child can operate . . . is called a grandparent. (unknown)

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of television (unknown)

Grandmothers Are Like Snowflakes. No Two Are Alike (unknown)

Today I've received a letter from the council Housing Department stating that now I've started work I'm not entitled to any Housing Benefit at all - this isn't what I was told by staff at the DSS. If this is the case, after paying my rent and Community Charge I'll only have £100 a week to live off and be working full-time.

Obviously I'll be putting in an appeal.

It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.

The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.

Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother, Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.

Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.

Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall inherit the earth."

Rhymes and poems
Sarah, Sarah, sits in her Chevrolet.
When she shifts she sips her Schlitz,
and when she sips her Schlitz she shifts.
Betty Botter bought a bit of butter. "But," she said, "this butter's bitter!
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter!"
So she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter,
And she put it in her batter, and her batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
A canner can can anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?
Or:

How many cans can a cannery can
If a cannery can can cans?
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to marry a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said. "I must see
What the minister's fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee"

(from The Mikado)

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck
If a woodchuck would chuck wood.
How much Zen would a Zen master master
if Zen master could master all the Zen?
A Zen master would master all the Zen he could master
if a Zen master should master all the Zen
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate,
And I'm only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.
The most common mistake here involves a spoonerism of pheasant plucker and derivative phrases.

One smart fellow, he felt smart
Two smart fellows, they felt smart
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A mother to her son did utter
"Go, my son, and shut the shutter"
"The shutter's shut" the son did utter
"I cannot shut it any shutter!"
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
A sheet slitter could slit all the sheets
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets!
A fly and a flea in a flue
Were trapped, so what could they do?
"Let us fly," said the flea
"Let us flee," said the fly
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
And the shells she sells are seashore shells I'm sure.
Moses supposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
For no-body's toeses are posies of roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be.
Phrases to be repeated rapidly
A big black bug bled black blood
A black bug's blood
A cricket critic
Bad blood
Big Pig
Cheques cashed fast
Irish wristwatch
Iranian uranium
Legend tripping
Liril
Obsessed with breasts
Red lorry, yellow lorry
Variants: Red leather, yellow leather; Red welly, yellow welly
Road-roller
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Upper roller, lower roller
Sanskrit skit script
Skip Script
Stupid Superstition
Throw a flower
Toy boat
Tragedy, strategy
Unique New York
Sunshine City
Peggy Babcock
Hot Heat Hit Hatted Hairy Henry's Head
Other phrases
Around the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal randomly ran.
Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.
"Are you copper-bottoming 'em my man?" "No, I'm aluminiuming 'em ma'am."
The black bloke's back brake block broke.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
The Leith police dismisseth thee. The Leith police dismisseth us. (According to urban legend, one accused of being drunk would only be dismissed by the Leith police if this phrase could be repeated without making a mistake).
A proper cup of coffee from a copper coffee pot.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
You know I need unique New York. I know you need unique New York.
The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
Chain chomp champ chomps through chewy chains. (see Chomp).
"We reweave rips" (A sign in the window of a tailor's shop.)
The winkle ship sank and the shrimp ship swam.
An old seabear sits on the pier and drinks a pint of beer.
Three sweet switched Swiss witches watch three washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switches. Which sweet switched Swiss witch watches which washed Swiss witch Swatch watch switch?
One was a racehorse, Two was one too. One won a race, Two won one too.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore. The shells she sells are sea-shore shells, I'm sure.
One woman wore one hundred wippy wrist watches
The seething sea ceaseth and that sufficeth me
She, where he had had had, had had had had. Had had had had the approval of the examiner.
The trump card: "On a balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccoughing, she amicably welcomed him in."
I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch