POSITION: Mum

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand
criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

The bus into town was twenty minutes late tonight. If that's not infuriating enough, the driver pulled into a bus stop and spent a few minutes altering the destination blind for the return journey and an idiotic passenger pressed the bell to get off at a stop and was too busy speaking on his mobile phone to realise that it was now his stop without being prompted.

JACKSON, Wis. Nov 27, 2006 (AP)— Jon Sanford takes good care of his hair, washing it regularly and conditioning it occasionally. Now he might break a record for that hair on his arms.
One particularly long strand measured 4.1 inches. If the measurement is ruled official by Guinness World Records, Sanford will have topped the previous record of 3.96 inches.
"It's my mutant hair," said Sanford, 37.
Sanford is from Jackson, a town about 30 miles northwest of Milwaukee. He downloaded the necessary forms from Guinness, faxed them back and received further directions.
"I need two witnesses whom I do not know and they have to be respected in the community," he said of the instructions.
So he turned to Jackson patrol officer Shane Wrucke and fire chief John Skodinski.
"We're not always saving lives and protecting property. We also do other things," Skodinski said.
To comply with Guinness regulations, Wrucke and Skodinski accompanied Sanford to the bathroom before the measurement to watch him wash the arm hair.
"I condition it sometimes," Sanford said.
Sanford will receive a certificate if his application is affirmed.
His mother, Sue Sanford, said the hair was "gross," but his daughter Molly called it "cool."

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

It is said that P. T. Barnum, the famed circus magnate, hung a large sign
over one of the exits of his museum which read, "This way to the egress."
Many people in the crowds, eager to see what an egress looked like, passed
through the door and found themselves out on the street.

A SOUTH African man was fined by a local court overnight for taking time off from work and trying to cover it with a fake gynaecologist's certificate attesting he was pregnant and needed a week off.

A magistrate's court in Vereeniging, near Johannesburg, fined 27-year-old Charles Sibindana 1000 rand ($180) for the brazen forgery, the SAPA news agency reported.

Sibindana stole a medical certificate from a health centre used by his pregnant girlfriend, but was apparently unaware that only women consulted gynaecologists.

Magistrate Bruno Van Eeden jokingly warned Sibindana "not to walk around faking sick letters from gynaecologists".

To IBM, James Pacenza's penchant for surfing sex sites and hanging out in chat rooms during work hours was grounds for termination. To Pacenza it was a cry for help unanswered. Which is why he's suing the company for wrongful termination.

In court papers filed in the U.S. District Court for New York, Pacenza claims his chat room addiction is a form of "self medication" for the post-traumatic stress disorder from which he suffers and says IBM should have offered him counseling instead of sacking him.

Employees "with much more severe psychological problems, in the form of drug or alcohol problems ... are allowed treatment programs" at IBM, Pacenza argues in his suit. He's demanding more than $5 million in punitive and compensatory damages from IBM for its indiscretion, which presumably would allow him to "self medicate" for some time to come without worrying about employer intrusions.

Unfairness At Work
When I take a long time... I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.

When I don't do it... I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.

When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.

When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
When my boss does it... he is being firm.

When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.

When I please my boss... I am apple polishing. [I've never come across this phrase before - but I can make a good guess as to its meaning.]

When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.

When I get ahead... I am lucky.
When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.

Kincaid, W. Va. (AP) -- A man at a party popped a blasting capinto his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, Cpl. M.D.Payne said.
"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne said.

-- The Associated Press

Real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers and pilots conversations.

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?"

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I've received the result of my appeal against the council stopping payment of my Housing Benefit in its entirety.

The letter tells me that, after paying my rent and council tax, the government expects me to live on just £57 ($80) per week. This is ridiculous; especially since I'm incurring costs of £25 per week just to go to work (bus fares, smart clothes, sandwiches). Additionally, the fact that I might want to [and need to] be significantly better off in work than on benefits hasn't even been taken into account.

One good piece of news though - I'm being recommended for a three month extension to my contract. Beggars can't be choosers; working for less than minimum wage is still better than not working.

Designer Pep Torres from Barcelona has invented the ‘Your Turn’ washing machine that works using fingerprint recognition ensuring that couples take their turn. The start button only works if the machine senses a different finger tip than the previous wash load. Featured on the BBC this is one machine that has obviously caught the attention of the media, but will anyone seriously buy it?

To be shaken out of the ruts of ordinary perception, to be shown for a few timeless hours the outer and inner world, not as they appear to an animal obsessed with survival or to a human being obsessed with words and notions, but as they are apprehended, directly and unconditionally, by Mind at Large -- this is an experience of inestimable value to everyone andespecially to the intellectual.

-Aldous Huxley "The Doors of Perception

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects

Will Rogers

No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less

Edgar Watson Howe

Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it, boldness has genius, power, and magic in it

-Johann Wolfgang van Goethe

Even if you are on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.

Will Rogers

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling

Margoret Lee Runbeck

Heaven isn't a place, it's a feeling

????

Our enemies are sacred because they make us strong

Native American saying

What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now

The Buddha

If you try you may fail, if you don't try you're guaranteed to fail

Jesse Jackson

The greatest personal limitation is to be found not in the things you want to do and can't, but in the things you've neverconsidered doing

Richard Bandler

You can not prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair

Chinese Proverb

When you want to be honored by others, you learnto honor them first.

Sathya Sai Baba

No one appears on our stage unless the director has placed them there for our benefit

Paramahansa Yogananda

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

????

To a shaman imagination is a vehicle that sends thoughtsand feelings to make real changes in the physical world

Lena and Jose Stevens

Do thy work in the peace of Yoga and, free from selfish desires, be not moved in success or in failure. Yoga is an evenness of mind, a peace that is ever the same

Bhagavad Gita

When we judge something we only prove that we have an incomplete view of it

????

You are not your thoughts

Ron Hall

Reality is where your consciousness is located

-Nevill Drury

The true laboratory is the mind, where behind illusions we uncover the laws of truth

J.C. Bose

Find god- he isn't hiding from you, you're hiding from him.

-Paramahansa Yogananda

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Judge people less on their mistakes than on how they handle their mistakes

????

Government is like gravity, it doesn't matter whether you believe in it or not, accept it

????

Fear, the thief of Dreams

-No Fear shirt

I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whoseopinions I have no respect

-Edward Gibbon

Human action can be modified to some extent, but human nature can not be changed

Abraham Lincoln

Success is not fame or money or the power to bewitch. it is to have created something valuable from your own individuality and skill - a garden, an embroidery, a painting, a cake, a life.

Charlotte Gray

I'm very proud that I'm smart enough to get to the point

Harry Truman

Some things have to be believed to be seen

Ralph Hodgson

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital

Aaron Levenstein

A word to the wise is... unnecessary

"Dreams are pictures of feelings."

Richard Corriere & Joseph Hart Dream Makers

Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle ofresentment and retaliation

????

Fortune knocks but once, misfortune has much more patience

Jonathan Swift

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice

Proverbs 12:15

If you want to be a knight, act like a night

from the movie Quiz Show

I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with

Plato...427-347 bc

The faults of others is easily perceived, but thatof oneself is difficult to perceive-

Bhagavad Gita

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself.

- Mary Schmich

We're a feeling, an awareness encased here

Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

It doesn't matter what one reveals or what one keeps to oneself. Everything we do, everything we are, rests on our personal power. If we don't have enough personal power the most magnificent piece of wisdom can be revealed to us and it won't make a damn bit of difference.

Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

Do you know at this very moment you are surrounded by eternity? And do you know that you can use that eternity if you so desire?

Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

I shared a very pleasant day with C... yesterday.

We went walking around Doncaster Lakeside with Simba, her dog. I've not walked around most of the perimeter of the lake before and some parts are actually quite rural in appearance, despite being quite close to the town centre.

We then went back to her house where she cooked a delicious stew for us and we later snuggled up on the sofa watching wildlife programmes on the TV.

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed (Bachelor
Of Education) Exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter
has been successful in BED."

I haven't Googled it yet. I'll post the results as a comment>

Two local men injured
in freak truck accident
Cotton Patch,Ark. --

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly aftermidnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog
gigging trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.
As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the
headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
east-bound toward the White River bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently
overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.
Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but required surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead," Wallis said. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," Snyder said.
-- Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996

Back in the late 1990s the U.S. Army tested an air-defence gun named "Sergeant York". It was designed to home-in on the whirling blades of helicopters and propeller-driven aircraft. Instead, it ignored the chopper targets and demolished a ventilating fan, as well as the outdoor toilet underneath.

It looks like C... and myself will have to change our plans for tomorrow because the BBC weather forecast is for rain. We cancelled our original plans for today because of the lousy weather (which earlier in the week was forecast to be sunny.)

What's the point of the BBC providing five day weather forecasts when they're not reliable?

My own favourite isn't on this list. I don't know which film it's in, but Moneypenny coments to Bond that she always knew he was a 'cunning linguist'.

Dr No (1962)
Bond: Moneypenny! What gives?
Miss Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement.

Goldfinger (1964)
Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

Pussy Galore: My name's Pussy Galore
Bond: I must be dreaming

Thunderball (1965)
Fiona: Aren't you in the wrong room, Mr. Bond?
Bond: Not from where I'm standing.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
Bond: Either, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

[Tiffany Case opens the door almost nude]
Bond: That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve.

Live And Let Die (1973)
[Bond removes prosthetic arm from train window]
Solitaire: Now what are you doing?
Bond: Just being disarming, darling.

Moonraker (1979)
(As Bond undertakes zero-gravity sex)
Minister Of Defense: My God! What's Bond doing?
Q: I think he's attempting re-entry sir…

Never Say Never Again (1983)
Fatima Blush: Oh, how reckless of me. I made you all wet.
Bond: Yes, but my martini is still dry. My name is James.

A View To A Kill (1985)
Bond: Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.
Jenny Flex: Yes, I love an early morning ride.
Bond: Well, I'm an early riser myself.

Goldeneye (1995)
Xenia Onatopp: You don't need the gun.
Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
[In bed with his language tutor]
Bond: I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.

By Ed Holden, Movie Editor - Feedback - Discuss - Blog
Published 8 November 2006

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper.

The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Its impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won\'t be able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after such a large amount.

Every drop of seawater contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms.

The US national anthem actually has three verses, but everyone just knows the first one.

During World War II, IBM built the computers the Nazis used to manage their death/concentration camps.

The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.

The deadliest war in history excluding World War II was a civil war in China in the 1850s in which the rebels were led by a man who thought he was the brother of Jesus Christ.

Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this.

Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.

The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have died. Ever.

The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year.

Men can breastfeed babies

There is a rare condition called Exploding Head Syndrome which you have probably never heard of.

Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to human beings and animals than to other plants.

In some (maybe all) Asian countries, the family name is written
first and the individual name written second

Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860

A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet.

Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States.Long Beach, WA

The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom underground in Oregon, it measures three and a half miles in diameter.

The town of Los Angeles, California, was originally named "El Pueblo la Nuestra Senora de Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula"

9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.This isn't true; Joseph Swan did.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

The Population of the world can live within the state boundaries of Texas.

Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A.

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is not considered an insult! Despite the expensive food, tipping is welcome as in any other country.

Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.

The largest pumpkin weighed 377 pounds.

The largest cabbage weighed 144 pounds.

Pinocchio was made of pine.

Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery.

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

Cranberry Jell-0 is the only kind that contains real fruit.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states.

There was once a town in West Virginia called "6."

The parking meter was invented in North Dakota.

Napoleon made his battle plans in a sandbox.

Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

The green stuff on the occasional freak potato chip is chlorophyll.

Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.

There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.

The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.

"Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.

On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.

Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.

2,500 lefties die each year using products designed for rightists.

Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.

On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.

Blue and white are the most common school colors.

Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.

In a normal lifetime an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10,000 pounds of meat.

A new book is published every 13 minutes in America.

America's best selling ice cream flavor is vanilla.

Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.

Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe a bear is as tall as a giraffe.

The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour.

The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.

The doorbell was invented in 1831.

The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.

Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.

There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.

Napoleon was terrified of cats.

The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint.

The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.

The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935.

The oldest known vegetable is the pea.

Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.

The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.

The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.

France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.

The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is "feedback."

The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states.

George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.

Iceland was the first country to legalize abortion in 1935.

The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.

Russia has the most movie theaters in the world.

The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.

The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.

The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902.

Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.

Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.

The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used.

Toilet paper was invented in 1857.

Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States.

Before Prohibition, Schlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

Nondairy creamer is flammable.

The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile.

If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.

The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.

The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."

Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.

When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.

The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.

The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.

The most common speed limit sign in the United States is 25 m.p.h.

At any one time, there are 100 million phone conversations going on in the United States.

The world's record for continuous pogo stick jumping is 41 hours.

The Ottoman Empire once had seven emperors in seven months. They died of (in order): burning, choking, drowning, stabbing, heart failure, poisoning and being thrown from a horse.

You can make edible cheese from the milk of 24 different mammals.

Sir Isaac Newton, who invented Calculus, had trouble with names to the point where he would forget his brothers' names.

In medieval Thailand, they had moveable type printing presses. The type was made from baked oxen dung.

By law, employees do not have to wash hands after sneezing.

The average American consumes enough caffeine in one year to kill a horse.

More American workers (18%) call sick on Friday than any other day of the week. Tuesday has the lowest percent of absenteeism (11%).

Enough beer is poured every Saturday across America to fill the Orange Bowl.

A newborn expels its own body weight in waste every 60 hours.

Whales die if their echo system fails.

Florida's beaches lose 20 million cubic yards of sand annually.

Naturalists use marshmallows to lure alligators out of swamps.

It takes a ton of water to make a pound of refined sugar.

Weevils are more resistant to poisons in the morning than at night.

Cacao, the main ingredient of chocolate is the most pest-ridden tree in the jungle.

In deep space most lubricants will disappear.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

The average person can live 11 days without water.

In 1221 Genghis Khan killed 1,748,000 people at Nishapur in one hour.

There are 35 million digestive glands in the stomach.

In 1800 on 50 cities on earth had a population of more than 100,000.

More steel in the US is used to make bottle caps than to manufacture automobile bodies.

It is possible for any American citizen to give whatever name he or she chooses to any unnamed mountain or hill in the United States.

King Henry III of France, Louis XVI of France and Napoleon all suffered from ailurophobia--fear of cats.

Before 1850 golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers.

Clocks made before 1687 had only one hand, and hour hand.

The motto of the American people, "In God We Trust," was not adopted as the national slogan until 1956.

More Americans have died in automobile accidents than have died in all the wars ever fought by the United States.

The ampersand (&) was once a letter of the English alphabet.

The principality of Monaco consists of 370 acres.

There are more than 40,000 characters in Chinese script.

During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who had a beard was required to pay a special tax.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. treasury.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters (I was thankfully corrected by a friend: The Hawai'ian alphabet has 13 letters, A, E, I, O, U, H, K, L, M, N, P, W, ' (which is called an okina).

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

The amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.

City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong.

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness--28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness--38%.

Average number of days a German goes without washing his underwear: 7.

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.

Cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of 11: $6,400.

Average people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

The only President to win a Pulitzer Prize: John Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage."

The youngest Pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: "Tom Sawyer."

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades--King David, Clubs--Alexander the Great, Hearts--Charlemagne and Diamonds--Julius Caesar.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one leg front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all 4 legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. The last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are useable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

The first airline, DELAG, was established on October 16, 1909, to carry passengers between German cities by Zeppelin airships. Up to November 1913, more than 34,000 people had used the service.

Titanic was running at 22 knots when she hit the iceberg

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. 'UP' indicated the direction of the bubbles

Francis Scott Key was a young lawyer who wrote the poem, 'The Star Spangled Banner', after being inspired by watching the Americans fight off the British attack of Baltimore during the War of 1812. The poem became the words to the national anthem

Because radio waves travel at 186,000 miles per second and sound waves saunter at 700 miles per hour, a broadcast voice can be heard sooner 13,000 miles away than it can be heard at the back of the room in which it originated

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know your there

The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep
Inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver in 1836.

It has been recommended by dentists that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (two meters) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush!

In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose

It is possible to drown and not die. Technically the term 'drowning' refers to the process of taking water into the lungs, not to death caused by that process.

The first known heart medicine was discovered in an English garden. In 1799, physician John Ferriar noted the effect of dried leaves of the common foxglove plant, digitalis purpurea, on heart action. Still used in heart medications, digitalis slows the pulse and increases the force of heart contractions and the amount of b lood pumped per heartbeat.

Dry cereal for breakfast was invented by John Henry Kellogg at the turn of the century

During World War II, a German U-boat was sunk by a truck. The U-boat in question attacked a convoy in the Atlantic and then rose to see the effect. The merchant ship it sank had material strapped to its deck including a fleet of trucks, one of which was thrown in the air by the explosion, landing on the U-boat and breaking its back

Jeremy Bentham, a British philosopher who died in 1832,left his entire estate to the London Hospital provided that his body be allowed to preside over its board meetings. His skeleton was clothed and fitted with a wax mask of his face. It was present at the meeting for 92 years.

Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

Methane gas can often be seen bubbling up from the bottom of ponds. It is produced by the decomposition of dead plants and animals in the mud.
There are more than 1,700 references to gems and precious stones in the King James translation of the Bible.

The E. Coli bacterium propels itself with a 'motor' only one-millionth of an inch in diameter, a thousand times smaller than the tiniest motors built to date by man. The rotation of the bacterial motor comes from a current of protons. The efficiency of the motor approaches 100 per cent.

Henry Ford produced the model T only in black because the black paint available at the time was the fastest to dry.

At - 40 degrees Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.

Pet superstores now sell about 40 percent of all pet food

One million Americans, about 3,000 each day, take up smoking each year. Most of them are children.

In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character, received 800,000 fan letters.

There are only four words in the English language which end in '-dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

Less than 3% of Nestlé's sales are for chocolate.

The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic light to change

More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products

It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk

The tip of a 1/3 inch long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph

Less than one per cent of the 500 Chinese cities have clean air, respiratory disease is China's leading cause of death.

The number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the population growth

The X's that people sometimes put at the end of letters or notes to mean a kiss, actually started back in the 1000's when Lords would sign their names at the end of documents to other important people. It was originally a cross that they would kiss after signing to signify that they were faithful to God and their King. Over the years though, it slanted into the X

Nova Scotia is Latin for 'New Scotland.'

The term Cop comes from Constable on Patrol. It's from England.

The collecting of Beer mats is called Tegestology.

Even though it is widely attributed to him Shakespeare never actually used the word 'gadzooks'.

Only 2 blue moons (the saying 'only once in a blue moon ' refers to the occurrence of two full moons during one calendar month) are to occur between now and 2001. Those times are January 1999 and March 1999

There are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet

"Naked" means to be unprotected. "Nude" means unclothed

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when al original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case stored smaller, 'lower case' letters
In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'