Posts archive for: November, 2006
  • Job Description For A Mum

    POSITION: Mum

    JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

    RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand
    criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at
    least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

    POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

    BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

  • Delayed again..

    The bus into town was twenty minutes late tonight. If that's not infuriating enough, the driver pulled into a bus stop and spent a few minutes altering the destination blind for the return journey and an idiotic passenger pressed the bell to get off at a stop and was too busy speaking on his mobile phone to realise that it was now his stop without being prompted.

  • American Weirdness

    JACKSON, Wis. Nov 27, 2006 (AP)— Jon Sanford takes good care of his hair, washing it regularly and conditioning it occasionally. Now he might break a record for that hair on his arms.
    One particularly long strand measured 4.1 inches. If the measurement is ruled official by Guinness World Records, Sanford will have topped the previous record of 3.96 inches.
    "It's my mutant hair," said Sanford, 37.
    Sanford is from Jackson, a town about 30 miles northwest of Milwaukee. He downloaded the necessary forms from Guinness, faxed them back and received further directions.
    "I need two witnesses whom I do not know and they have to be respected in the community," he said of the instructions.
    So he turned to Jackson patrol officer Shane Wrucke and fire chief John Skodinski.
    "We're not always saving lives and protecting property. We also do other things," Skodinski said.
    To comply with Guinness regulations, Wrucke and Skodinski accompanied Sanford to the bathroom before the measurement to watch him wash the arm hair.
    "I condition it sometimes," Sanford said.
    Sanford will receive a certificate if his application is affirmed.
    His mother, Sue Sanford, said the hair was "gross," but his daughter Molly called it "cool."

  • Cabbage

    Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
    The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
    Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
    The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
    The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
    The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

    The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

  • More interesting facts.

    A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

    A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

    A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

    A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

    A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

    A snail can sleep for three years.

    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

    If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

    If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

    It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

    On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

    Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

    Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

    Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

  • Be careful what you wish for.

    It is said that P. T. Barnum, the famed circus magnate, hung a large sign
    over one of the exits of his museum which read, "This way to the egress."
    Many people in the crowds, eager to see what an egress looked like, passed
    through the door and found themselves out on the street.

  • Not the best excuse.

    A SOUTH African man was fined by a local court overnight for taking time off from work and trying to cover it with a fake gynaecologist's certificate attesting he was pregnant and needed a week off.

    A magistrate's court in Vereeniging, near Johannesburg, fined 27-year-old Charles Sibindana 1000 rand ($180) for the brazen forgery, the SAPA news agency reported.

    Sibindana stole a medical certificate from a health centre used by his pregnant girlfriend, but was apparently unaware that only women consulted gynaecologists.

    Magistrate Bruno Van Eeden jokingly warned Sibindana "not to walk around faking sick letters from gynaecologists".

  • News report from America

    To IBM, James Pacenza's penchant for surfing sex sites and hanging out in chat rooms during work hours was grounds for termination. To Pacenza it was a cry for help unanswered. Which is why he's suing the company for wrongful termination.

    In court papers filed in the U.S. District Court for New York, Pacenza claims his chat room addiction is a form of "self medication" for the post-traumatic stress disorder from which he suffers and says IBM should have offered him counseling instead of sacking him.

    Employees "with much more severe psychological problems, in the form of drug or alcohol problems ... are allowed treatment programs" at IBM, Pacenza argues in his suit. He's demanding more than $5 million in punitive and compensatory damages from IBM for its indiscretion, which presumably would allow him to "self medicate" for some time to come without worrying about employer intrusions.

  • Unfairness at work.

    Unfairness At Work
    When I take a long time... I am slow.
    When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.

    When I don't do it... I am lazy.
    When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.

    When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
    When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.

    When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
    When my boss does it... he is being firm.

    When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
    When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.

    When I please my boss... I am apple polishing. [I've never come across this phrase before - but I can make a good guess as to its meaning.]

    When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.

    When I get ahead... I am lucky.
    When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.

  • Mouthing it off at a party.

    Kincaid, W. Va. (AP) -- A man at a party popped a blasting capinto his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
    Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, Cpl. M.D.Payne said.
    "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne said.

    -- The Associated Press

  • Funny exchanges between pilots and air traffic control personnel.

    Real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers and pilots conversations.

    A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?"

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

    Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

    Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

    Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  • Failure

    I've received the result of my appeal against the council stopping payment of my Housing Benefit in its entirety.

    The letter tells me that, after paying my rent and council tax, the government expects me to live on just £57 ($80) per week. This is ridiculous; especially since I'm incurring costs of £25 per week just to go to work (bus fares, smart clothes, sandwiches). Additionally, the fact that I might want to [and need to] be significantly better off in work than on benefits hasn't even been taken into account.

    One good piece of news though - I'm being recommended for a three month extension to my contract. Beggars can't be choosers; working for less than minimum wage is still better than not working.

  • The equal rights washing machine.

    Designer Pep Torres from Barcelona has invented the ‘Your Turn’ washing machine that works using fingerprint recognition ensuring that couples take their turn. The start button only works if the machine senses a different finger tip than the previous wash load. Featured on the BBC this is one machine that has obviously caught the attention of the media, but will anyone seriously buy it?

  • Words of Wisdom

    To be shaken out of the ruts of ordinary perception, to be shown for a few timeless hours the outer and inner world, not as they appear to an animal obsessed with survival or to a human being obsessed with words and notions, but as they are apprehended, directly and unconditionally, by Mind at Large -- this is an experience of inestimable value to everyone andespecially to the intellectual.

    -Aldous Huxley "The Doors of Perception

    Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects

    Will Rogers

    No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less

    Edgar Watson Howe

    Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it, boldness has genius, power, and magic in it

    -Johann Wolfgang van Goethe

    Even if you are on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there.

    Will Rogers

    Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling

    Margoret Lee Runbeck

    Heaven isn't a place, it's a feeling

    ????

    Our enemies are sacred because they make us strong

    Native American saying

    What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now

    The Buddha

    If you try you may fail, if you don't try you're guaranteed to fail

    Jesse Jackson

    The greatest personal limitation is to be found not in the things you want to do and can't, but in the things you've neverconsidered doing

    Richard Bandler

    You can not prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair

    Chinese Proverb

    When you want to be honored by others, you learnto honor them first.

    Sathya Sai Baba

    No one appears on our stage unless the director has placed them there for our benefit

    Paramahansa Yogananda

    Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

    ????

    To a shaman imagination is a vehicle that sends thoughtsand feelings to make real changes in the physical world

    Lena and Jose Stevens

    Do thy work in the peace of Yoga and, free from selfish desires, be not moved in success or in failure. Yoga is an evenness of mind, a peace that is ever the same

    Bhagavad Gita

    When we judge something we only prove that we have an incomplete view of it

    ????

    You are not your thoughts

    Ron Hall

    Reality is where your consciousness is located

    -Nevill Drury

    The true laboratory is the mind, where behind illusions we uncover the laws of truth

    J.C. Bose

    Find god- he isn't hiding from you, you're hiding from him.

    -Paramahansa Yogananda

    When one door of happiness closes, another opens, often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

    -Helen Keller

    Judge people less on their mistakes than on how they handle their mistakes

    ????

    Government is like gravity, it doesn't matter whether you believe in it or not, accept it

    ????

    Fear, the thief of Dreams

    -No Fear shirt

    I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whoseopinions I have no respect

    -Edward Gibbon

    Human action can be modified to some extent, but human nature can not be changed

    Abraham Lincoln

    Success is not fame or money or the power to bewitch. it is to have created something valuable from your own individuality and skill - a garden, an embroidery, a painting, a cake, a life.

    Charlotte Gray

    I'm very proud that I'm smart enough to get to the point

    Harry Truman

    Some things have to be believed to be seen

    Ralph Hodgson

    Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital

    Aaron Levenstein

    A word to the wise is... unnecessary

    "Dreams are pictures of feelings."

    Richard Corriere & Joseph Hart Dream Makers

    Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle ofresentment and retaliation

    ????

    Fortune knocks but once, misfortune has much more patience

    Jonathan Swift

    The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice

    Proverbs 12:15

    If you want to be a knight, act like a night

    from the movie Quiz Show

    I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with

    Plato...427-347 bc

    The faults of others is easily perceived, but thatof oneself is difficult to perceive-

    Bhagavad Gita

    Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself.

    - Mary Schmich

    We're a feeling, an awareness encased here

    Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

    It doesn't matter what one reveals or what one keeps to oneself. Everything we do, everything we are, rests on our personal power. If we don't have enough personal power the most magnificent piece of wisdom can be revealed to us and it won't make a damn bit of difference.

    Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

    Do you know at this very moment you are surrounded by eternity? And do you know that you can use that eternity if you so desire?

    Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda)

  • A Joke.

    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

    A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

    A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

  • A very pleasant day.

    I shared a very pleasant day with C... yesterday.

    We went walking around Doncaster Lakeside with Simba, her dog. I've not walked around most of the perimeter of the lake before and some parts are actually quite rural in appearance, despite being quite close to the town centre.

    We then went back to her house where she cooked a delicious stew for us and we later snuggled up on the sofa watching wildlife programmes on the TV.

  • C.I.A. Test

    Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

    So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."

    The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, "you fail."

    So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

  • Just a quickie.

    A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed (Bachelor
    Of Education) Exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter
    has been successful in BED."

  • What is frog gigging?

    I haven't Googled it yet. I'll post the results as a comment>

    Two local men injured
    in freak truck accident
    Cotton Patch,Ark. --

    Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning.
    Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly aftermidnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
    The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog
    gigging trip.
    On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.
    As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the
    headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
    east-bound toward the White River bridge.
    After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently
    overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.
    Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but required surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
    "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead," Wallis said. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," Snyder said.
    -- Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996

  • You might have expected that this would happen.

    Back in the late 1990s the U.S. Army tested an air-defence gun named "Sergeant York". It was designed to home-in on the whirling blades of helicopters and propeller-driven aircraft. Instead, it ignored the chopper targets and demolished a ventilating fan, as well as the outdoor toilet underneath.

  • Unreliable weather forecasts.

    It looks like C... and myself will have to change our plans for tomorrow because the BBC weather forecast is for rain. We cancelled our original plans for today because of the lousy weather (which earlier in the week was forecast to be sunny.)

    What's the point of the BBC providing five day weather forecasts when they're not reliable?

  • Famous James Bond Quotes

    My own favourite isn't on this list. I don't know which film it's in, but Moneypenny coments to Bond that she always knew he was a 'cunning linguist'.

    Dr No (1962)
    Bond: Moneypenny! What gives?
    Miss Moneypenny: Me, given an ounce of encouragement.

    Goldfinger (1964)
    Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
    Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

    Pussy Galore: My name's Pussy Galore
    Bond: I must be dreaming

    Thunderball (1965)
    Fiona: Aren't you in the wrong room, Mr. Bond?
    Bond: Not from where I'm standing.

    Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
    Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
    Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
    Bond: Either, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

    [Tiffany Case opens the door almost nude]
    Bond: That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve.

    Live And Let Die (1973)
    [Bond removes prosthetic arm from train window]
    Solitaire: Now what are you doing?
    Bond: Just being disarming, darling.

    Moonraker (1979)
    (As Bond undertakes zero-gravity sex)
    Minister Of Defense: My God! What's Bond doing?
    Q: I think he's attempting re-entry sir…

    Never Say Never Again (1983)
    Fatima Blush: Oh, how reckless of me. I made you all wet.
    Bond: Yes, but my martini is still dry. My name is James.

    A View To A Kill (1985)
    Bond: Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.
    Jenny Flex: Yes, I love an early morning ride.
    Bond: Well, I'm an early riser myself.

    Goldeneye (1995)
    Xenia Onatopp: You don't need the gun.
    Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

    Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
    [In bed with his language tutor]
    Bond: I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.

    By Ed Holden, Movie Editor - Feedback - Discuss - Blog
    Published 8 November 2006

  • Another long list of trivia.

    Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning

    The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

    All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

    The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.

    Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

    The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper.

    The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.

    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

    The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

    Its impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won\'t be able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after such a large amount.

    Every drop of seawater contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms.

    The US national anthem actually has three verses, but everyone just knows the first one.

    During World War II, IBM built the computers the Nazis used to manage their death/concentration camps.

    The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.

    The deadliest war in history excluding World War II was a civil war in China in the 1850s in which the rebels were led by a man who thought he was the brother of Jesus Christ.

    Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now, than before you finished reading this.

    Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.

    The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have died. Ever.

    The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year.

    Men can breastfeed babies

    There is a rare condition called Exploding Head Syndrome which you have probably never heard of.

    Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to human beings and animals than to other plants.

    In some (maybe all) Asian countries, the family name is written
    first and the individual name written second

    Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860

    A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet.

    Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States.Long Beach, WA

    The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom underground in Oregon, it measures three and a half miles in diameter.

    The town of Los Angeles, California, was originally named "El Pueblo la Nuestra Senora de Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula"

    9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.This isn't true; Joseph Swan did.

    Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

    The Population of the world can live within the state boundaries of Texas.

    Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A.

    Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "e."

    Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is not considered an insult! Despite the expensive food, tipping is welcome as in any other country.

    Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.

    The largest pumpkin weighed 377 pounds.

    The largest cabbage weighed 144 pounds.

    Pinocchio was made of pine.

    Alfred Hitchcock had no belly button for it was eliminated during surgery.

    A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

    A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

    Cranberry Jell-0 is the only kind that contains real fruit.

    The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

    Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

    New Jersey has a spoon museum with over 5,400 spoons from almost all the states.

    There was once a town in West Virginia called "6."

    The parking meter was invented in North Dakota.

    Napoleon made his battle plans in a sandbox.

    Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

    The green stuff on the occasional freak potato chip is chlorophyll.

    Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.

    There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.

    The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.

    "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.

    On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.

    Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.

    2,500 lefties die each year using products designed for rightists.

    Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.

    On average, a 4-year-old child asks 437 questions a day.

    Blue and white are the most common school colors.

    Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.

    In a normal lifetime an American will eat 200 pounds of peanuts and 10,000 pounds of meat.

    A new book is published every 13 minutes in America.

    America's best selling ice cream flavor is vanilla.

    Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.

    Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe a bear is as tall as a giraffe.

    The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of 4 miles per hour.

    The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.

    The doorbell was invented in 1831.

    The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.

    Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.

    There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.

    Napoleon was terrified of cats.

    The first Lifesaver flavor was peppermint.

    The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.

    The parking meter was invented by C.C. Magee in 1935.

    The oldest known vegetable is the pea.

    Jack is the most common name in nursery rhymes.

    The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.

    The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.

    France has the highest per capita consumption of cheese.

    The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is "feedback."

    The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states.

    George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.

    Iceland was the first country to legalize abortion in 1935.

    The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.

    Russia has the most movie theaters in the world.

    The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.

    The Eiffel Tower has 1792 steps.

    The mongoose was barred live entry into the U.S. in 1902.

    Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.

    Dry fish food can make goldfish constipated.

    The stall closest to the door in a bathroom is the cleanest, because it is the least used.

    Toilet paper was invented in 1857.

    Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States.

    Before Prohibition, Schlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.

    If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

    Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

    Nondairy creamer is flammable.

    The car in the foreground on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile.

    If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.

    The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

    It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.

    The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.

    The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."

    Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

    When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

    Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.

    When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.

    The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.

    The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.

    The most common speed limit sign in the United States is 25 m.p.h.

    At any one time, there are 100 million phone conversations going on in the United States.

    The world's record for continuous pogo stick jumping is 41 hours.

    The Ottoman Empire once had seven emperors in seven months. They died of (in order): burning, choking, drowning, stabbing, heart failure, poisoning and being thrown from a horse.

    You can make edible cheese from the milk of 24 different mammals.

    Sir Isaac Newton, who invented Calculus, had trouble with names to the point where he would forget his brothers' names.

    In medieval Thailand, they had moveable type printing presses. The type was made from baked oxen dung.

    By law, employees do not have to wash hands after sneezing.

    The average American consumes enough caffeine in one year to kill a horse.

    More American workers (18%) call sick on Friday than any other day of the week. Tuesday has the lowest percent of absenteeism (11%).

    Enough beer is poured every Saturday across America to fill the Orange Bowl.

    A newborn expels its own body weight in waste every 60 hours.

    Whales die if their echo system fails.

    Florida's beaches lose 20 million cubic yards of sand annually.

    Naturalists use marshmallows to lure alligators out of swamps.

    It takes a ton of water to make a pound of refined sugar.

    Weevils are more resistant to poisons in the morning than at night.

    Cacao, the main ingredient of chocolate is the most pest-ridden tree in the jungle.

    In deep space most lubricants will disappear.

    America once issued a 5-cent bill.

    The average person can live 11 days without water.

    In 1221 Genghis Khan killed 1,748,000 people at Nishapur in one hour.

    There are 35 million digestive glands in the stomach.

    In 1800 on 50 cities on earth had a population of more than 100,000.

    More steel in the US is used to make bottle caps than to manufacture automobile bodies.

    It is possible for any American citizen to give whatever name he or she chooses to any unnamed mountain or hill in the United States.

    King Henry III of France, Louis XVI of France and Napoleon all suffered from ailurophobia--fear of cats.

    Before 1850 golf balls were made of leather and stuffed with feathers.

    Clocks made before 1687 had only one hand, and hour hand.

    The motto of the American people, "In God We Trust," was not adopted as the national slogan until 1956.

    More Americans have died in automobile accidents than have died in all the wars ever fought by the United States.

    The ampersand (&) was once a letter of the English alphabet.

    The principality of Monaco consists of 370 acres.

    There are more than 40,000 characters in Chinese script.

    During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who had a beard was required to pay a special tax.

    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

    Coca-Cola was originally green.

    Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. treasury.

    The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters (I was thankfully corrected by a friend: The Hawai'ian alphabet has 13 letters, A, E, I, O, U, H, K, L, M, N, P, W, ' (which is called an okina).

    Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

    The amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000.

    City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong.

    State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

    Percentage of Africa that is wilderness--28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness--38%.

    Average number of days a German goes without washing his underwear: 7.

    Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.

    Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.

    Cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of 11: $6,400.

    Average people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

    Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

    The only President to win a Pulitzer Prize: John Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage."

    The youngest Pope was 11 years old.

    Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

    First novel ever written on a typewriter: "Tom Sawyer."

    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades--King David, Clubs--Alexander the Great, Hearts--Charlemagne and Diamonds--Julius Caesar.

    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one leg front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all 4 legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

    Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. The last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

    The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are useable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

    The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

    The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

    The first airline, DELAG, was established on October 16, 1909, to carry passengers between German cities by Zeppelin airships. Up to November 1913, more than 34,000 people had used the service.

    Titanic was running at 22 knots when she hit the iceberg

    The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. 'UP' indicated the direction of the bubbles

    Francis Scott Key was a young lawyer who wrote the poem, 'The Star Spangled Banner', after being inspired by watching the Americans fight off the British attack of Baltimore during the War of 1812. The poem became the words to the national anthem

    Because radio waves travel at 186,000 miles per second and sound waves saunter at 700 miles per hour, a broadcast voice can be heard sooner 13,000 miles away than it can be heard at the back of the room in which it originated

    Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know your there

    The bagpipe was originally made from the whole skin of a dead sheep
    Inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver in 1836.

    It has been recommended by dentists that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet (two meters) away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush!

    In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose

    It is possible to drown and not die. Technically the term 'drowning' refers to the process of taking water into the lungs, not to death caused by that process.

    The first known heart medicine was discovered in an English garden. In 1799, physician John Ferriar noted the effect of dried leaves of the common foxglove plant, digitalis purpurea, on heart action. Still used in heart medications, digitalis slows the pulse and increases the force of heart contractions and the amount of b lood pumped per heartbeat.

    Dry cereal for breakfast was invented by John Henry Kellogg at the turn of the century

    During World War II, a German U-boat was sunk by a truck. The U-boat in question attacked a convoy in the Atlantic and then rose to see the effect. The merchant ship it sank had material strapped to its deck including a fleet of trucks, one of which was thrown in the air by the explosion, landing on the U-boat and breaking its back

    Jeremy Bentham, a British philosopher who died in 1832,left his entire estate to the London Hospital provided that his body be allowed to preside over its board meetings. His skeleton was clothed and fitted with a wax mask of his face. It was present at the meeting for 92 years.

    Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

    Methane gas can often be seen bubbling up from the bottom of ponds. It is produced by the decomposition of dead plants and animals in the mud.
    There are more than 1,700 references to gems and precious stones in the King James translation of the Bible.

    The E. Coli bacterium propels itself with a 'motor' only one-millionth of an inch in diameter, a thousand times smaller than the tiniest motors built to date by man. The rotation of the bacterial motor comes from a current of protons. The efficiency of the motor approaches 100 per cent.

    Henry Ford produced the model T only in black because the black paint available at the time was the fastest to dry.

    At - 40 degrees Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.

    Pet superstores now sell about 40 percent of all pet food

    One million Americans, about 3,000 each day, take up smoking each year. Most of them are children.

    In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character, received 800,000 fan letters.

    There are only four words in the English language which end in '-dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

    If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

    Less than 3% of Nestlé's sales are for chocolate.

    The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic light to change

    More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products

    It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk

    The tip of a 1/3 inch long hour-hand on a wristwatch travels at 0.00000275 mph

    Less than one per cent of the 500 Chinese cities have clean air, respiratory disease is China's leading cause of death.

    The number of cars on the planet is increasing three times faster than the population growth

    The X's that people sometimes put at the end of letters or notes to mean a kiss, actually started back in the 1000's when Lords would sign their names at the end of documents to other important people. It was originally a cross that they would kiss after signing to signify that they were faithful to God and their King. Over the years though, it slanted into the X

    Nova Scotia is Latin for 'New Scotland.'

    The term Cop comes from Constable on Patrol. It's from England.

    The collecting of Beer mats is called Tegestology.

    Even though it is widely attributed to him Shakespeare never actually used the word 'gadzooks'.

    Only 2 blue moons (the saying 'only once in a blue moon ' refers to the occurrence of two full moons during one calendar month) are to occur between now and 2001. Those times are January 1999 and March 1999

    There are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet

    "Naked" means to be unprotected. "Nude" means unclothed

    Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when al original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case stored smaller, 'lower case' letters
    In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'

  • Today's Bargains

    I've had a good morning shopping at Kwik Save.

    Four Cornish pasties 39p.
    Two minced beef and onion slices 29p.

    Yesterday I was at the fish market late in the afternoon and managed to get well over a pound of fish pieces for only 30 pence. I just threw them in with some roasted Mediterranean vegetables and microwaved the lot.

    Very tasty, and quite healthy I should think.

  • Joke: Ancient Translation.

    There was this guy who wanted to become a monk and copy the ancient scriptures of the bible. So he became a monk and went to the monastery to see if he could get the job.

    He got the job and the priest gave him scriptures to copy. He found out that he was copying from a copy and asked why he couldn't copy from the originals because somebody could have made a mistake while copying.

    The priest replied, "Because the originals are too valuable." So the monk asked if he could at least see the originals and the priest agreed to just let him see them.

    The priest took the monk down to the vaults where all of the original scriptures were, showed them to the monk, and left him to his silence. The priest was waiting by the door for about an hour and finally decided to go check on the monk.

    When he got down to the vaults he saw that the monk was banging his head against the wall and asked what was wrong.

    The monk replied, "It said celebrate!"

  • Answers to geography test questions.

    This collection is supposedly derived from students answers to geography test questions.
    Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.

    The people of Japan ride around in jig-saws.

    The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx.

    Lindberg is the capital of Germany.

    The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo.

    The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called Mummies.

    Don Juan is a town in the West Indies.

    Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing else to do, so they make lots and lots of factories.

    Where is Alaska? Alaska is not in Canada.

    Spain's national music is the cascarets.

    What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.

    In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.

    In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas.

    The Alimentary Canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

    Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.

    When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.

    Where is the greater part of Europe? In New York.

    The principal export of Sweden is hired girls.

    The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.

    Among the enduring remains of Egyptian civilization are pyramids and obsequies.

    The writing of ancient Egypt was called hydraulics.

    Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.

    The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.

    The Greeks wore scandals on their feet.

    In what general direction to the rivers of France flow? From the source to the mouth.

    The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

    Manhattan island was bought from the Indians for about $24, and now I don't suppose you could buy it for $500.

    The United States are mostly populated by people.

    The State of Virginia was named for the Virgin Mary, who afterward married Captain John Smith.

    What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.

    Canadians raise boll weevils for their wool.

    Where is Cincinnati? First place in the National League.

    Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

    Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado.

    They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.

    The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.

    Virginia is the mother of President Wilson and is also noted for her hysterical sights.

    The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.

    Philistines were inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.

    The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons.

    New Zealand is a democratic country. they passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories.

    Malays are brown generally and inhabit Malaria.

    The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

    The Kaffirs of Africa are a very savage race. In times of war they beat their tum-tums and can be heard for miles around.

    The American Indians travel in birchbark canoes on little streams of water that they make themselves.

    The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.

    The soil of Prussia was so poor that the people had to work hard just to stay on top.

    The Mason line is the line running north of the Equator and the Dixon line is south.

    In the west, farming is done mostly by irritating the land.

    Oceania is a continent that contains no land.

    There is a great deal of nothing in the center of Australia.

    Asked to name six animals peculiar to Arctic regions, a boy replied, "Three bears and three seals."

    Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.

    Latitude tells how hot you are and longitude tells how cold you are.

    The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge.

    Sienna is famous for being burnt.

    The climate of Bombay is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

    The trade of Spain is small, owing to the insolence of the people.

    The Eskimos are God's frozen people.

    The sun sets in the west and hurries around to the east to be in time to rise the next morning.

    Name three animals peculiar to frigid regions. The lion and the giraffe and the elephant are peculiar to frigid regions, but the polar bear and the seal and the walrus live there.

    People go to Africa to hunt rhinostriches.

    Glaciers spread a murrain over the land.

    The highest peak in the Alps is the Blanc Mange.

    The Equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth and through Africa.

    Imports are ports very far inland.

    Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago.

    The chief occupation of Perth is Dying.

    The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

    The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

    A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.

    An Indian Reservation consists of a mile of land for every five square Indians.

    The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses.

    Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges.

    Lipton is the capital of Ceylon.

    The population of London is a bit too thick.

    Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr.

    The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal.

    New York is behind Greenwich time because America was not discovered until very much later.

    Henry VIII had an abyss on his knee which made walking difficult.

    Certain areas of Egypt are cultivated by irritation.

    Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there.

    A watershed is a shed in the middle of the ocean where ships shelter during a storm.

  • I'm just waiting...

    I'm just sitting here at the computer waiting for the phone to ring.

    I left a message with C...'s answering service about a couple of hours ago but I'm worried she won't be able to get back to me because she did mention yesterday that her phone credit was low.

    She hasn't got a landline and so I've got no other way of getting in contact.

    So, while I'm waiting I've been sending a few emails...there isn't anyone online to use Instant Messaging with though.

  • Ten Peculiar Places

    Thank you for Fucking, Austria

    Fucking is a small settlement (population c. 150) in Austria. The village is known to have existed as "Fucking" since at least 1070.

    The settlement's most famous feature is a traffic sign with its name on it beside which English-speaking tourists often stop to have their photograph taken. The sign is the most commonly stolen street sign in Austria. Significant amounts of public funds are spent on replacing the stolen signs.

    Sealand: a micronation on the waters of the North Sea

    Sealand is a micronation located six miles (10 km) off the coast of Suffolk, England. Sealand is occupied by the family and associates of Paddy Roy Bates. The population of the facility rarely exceeds five, and its inhabitable area is 550 m2.

    Although Sealand's claims to sovereignty and legitimacy are not recognized by any country, it is probably the world's best-known micronation, and is sometimes cited in debates as an interesting case study of how various principles of international law can be applied to a territorial dispute.

    A museum devoted to the Penis

    The Icelandic Phallological Museum in Husavík, Iceland, is a museum devoted to phallology. The museum currently has 154 specimens displayed like hunting trophies, embalmed in formaldehyde, or dried in display cases.

    The museum attempts to collect penis specimens from every mammal extant in Iceland, including several species that are endangered or currently extinct in Icelandic waters.

    Erving's Location. Population: 1

    Erving's Location is situated in Coos County, New Hampshire. In New Hampshire, locations, grants, townships (which are different from towns), and purchases are unincorporated portions of a county which are not part of any town and have limited self-government (if any, as many are uninhabited).

    According to the 2000 census, one person lived in Erving's Location. Some have speculated that the census statistics for Erving's Location could have been a computer glitch.

    The Mojave Lonely Phone Booth

    The Mojave Phone Booth was a lone telephone booth in the Mojave National Preserve which attracted an online following in 1997, due to its unusual location. The booth was 15 miles from the nearest interstate highway, and miles from any buildings.

    Fans called the booth attempting to get a reply, and a few took trips to the booth to answer, often camping out at the site. The story inspired the creation of a motion picture, Mojave Phone Booth, due for release in 2006.

    The smallest park in the world: 452 in2

    Mill Ends Park in Portland, Oregon is the smallest park in the world, according to the Guinness Book of Records. The "park" is a 2 foot (610 mm) wide circle which in 1948 was intended to be the site for a light pole.

    The small circle has featured many unusual items through the decades, including a swimming pool for butterflies (complete with diving board) and a miniature ferris wheel (which was delivered by a regular-sized crane).

    A Christian Chapel decorated by the bones of 40,000 people

    The Sedlec Ossuary is a small Christian chapel, located beneath the Cemetery Church of All Saints in the Czech Republic.

    The ossuary contains approximately 40,000 human skeletons which have been artistically arranged to form decorations and furnishings for the chapel.

    Climb the World's steepest street

    The quiet suburban street of Baldwin Street, in New Zealand's southern city of Dunedin, is reputed to be the world's steepest street.

    At its maximum, the slope of Baldwin Street is approximately 1:2.86 (20° or 38%) - that is, for every 2.86 metres travelled horizontally, the altitude rises by 1 metre.

    Welcome to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is a village on the island of Anglesey in Wales. It is best known for having the longest officially recognised place name in the United Kingdom, and one of the longest in the world.

    The village's long name was contrived in the 1860s for the prestige of having the longest name of a railway station in Great Britain, and could not be considered an authentic word in the Welsh language. A translation into English would yield "St Mary's church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool and the church of St Tysilio of the red cave".

    Climb the Rabbit's Hill

    Colletto Fava is a 5,000 foot (1,500 m) high hill in the northern Piedmont region of Italy. In 2005, a massive pink stuffed bunny was finished being erected on the side of the mountain.

    Members of the Viennese art group Gelatin which erected it not only expect people to observe the art work, but also for hikers to climb it and relax on the top.

  • Humorous taglines.

    Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
    I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
    Life in a vacuum sucks
    You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
    Two wrongs are only the beginning.
    You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
    "Suicide Hotline...please hold."
    All work and no play, will make you a manager.
    As I said before, I never repeat myself.
    A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..
    Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
    Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

    Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
    I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
    Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
    ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    Conserve energy... fart in a jar
    Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..

  • More weird and funny laws from around the world.

    Canada
    You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine.
    It's illegal to climb trees.
    "For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.
    You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday.
    It is illegal to pretend to practise witchcraft.
    It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.

    Denmark
    Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn.
    If a horse drawn carriage is trying to pass a car and the horse becomes uneasy, the owner of the car is required to pull over and if necessary, cover the car.
    One may not be charged for food at an inn unless that person, by his or her own opinion, is "full".

    France
    Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of music on the radio must be by French artists.
    An ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.

    Germany
    Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
    It is illegal for one's car to run out of gas on the Autobahn.

    Israel
    Bicycles may not ridden without a licence. Raising a pig on Israeli soil will result in the murder of said pig. Picking one's nose on the Sabbath is illegal.

    South Africa
    Young people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.

    Swaziland
    Any woman who wears pants faces a possible punishment of having the pants ripped off her and torn to pieces by soldiers.

  • F.B.I. : Top Murders of 2000.

    Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Murder/Homicides.

    Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 10 Homicides of the Year.

    1- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheelchair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

    2- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his eight-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

    3- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

    4- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos had paid his rent.

    5- Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

    6- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

    7- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, bindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up.

    8- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres of missing road.

    9- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

    10- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

  • It's always nice to be asked.

    On Wednesday I received an email from an old friend who I haven't seen for several years. He's in charge of organising the Rossington Music and Literature Festival near Doncaster. He's asked me if I'd like to contribute and if I know anyone else who might be interested in performing.

    I made a couple of tentative enquiries at the pub last night.

  • A pleasant surprise.

    I received an unexpected phone call from C... last night. She told me that a mutual friend is having a bit of a birthday do in the pub tomorrow night and asked if I'd like to go along with her.

    Actually, I'd already been told about it and was going to phone her after I'd finished doing something on the computer.

    C.... is going to get this friend a birthday card and send it from the both of us: looks like we're going public! I'm glad about that though.

    I'll only be able to stay for a couple of hours because of the early start in the morning for work, but it will give us the opportunity to talk about our plans for the weekend.

  • Weird Tales

    A Russian writer was questioned by Moscow police after he depicted a sexual encounter between Stalin and Kruschev.

    Sainsbury's are to sell purple carrots - the vegetables original colour. Orange carrots didn't appear until the 1800's.

    A French councillor was paid £50,000 for a 12-page report which revealed that mosquitoes have spindly bodies and suck blood.

    Scientists at Cambridge have discovered that the average Briton spends £62 per year on chocolate - because it tastes nice.

    A depressed holidaymaker jumped off the roof of a nine-storey hotel in Alba Adriatica, Italy, only to land in the pool and survive.

    A man with a collapsed lung who had waited 20 days in a Manchester hospital for a National Health Service operation paid £6,000 to go private. He was operated on the next day - by the surgeon he had been waiting for on the NHS.

    Young Wall Street executives are being sent on a course to learn how to use a napkin and to hold a knife.

    A woman was fined £42 for kissing the cheek of her boyfriend while he was driving in Rome.

    A man convicted of murder escaped from a German jail in a cardboard box. He had been given the box to assemble as part of his prison work.

    A man accused of murdering a judge escaped from prison as he awaited trial in Costa Rica, but was eaten by a crocodile as he tried to swim a river to safety.

    A farmer in Iowa has bred cows less than three feet tall and is selling them as pets at £600 each.

    Six people were arrested at a golf tournament in California after police discovered that tents set up around the course were occupied by prostitutes and the contestants were allowed to visit them during their round.

    A German holidaymaker out birdwatching at a hunting lodge in Namibia was shot dead by a guide who mistook him for a baboon. As soon as he realised his mistake the guide put his gun to his head and killed himself.

    The Ivar Aasen museum in Norway is advertising for a hacker after inheriting a vast collection of books and periodicals. The librarian cataloguing the bequest died after entering 11,000 items into a database - and no one knows the password.

    A woman in Lyons, France was jailed for stealing an ambulance which was collecting a patient near her house. She said she was late for work.

    Robbers smashed showcases in a Paris jewellers in front of customers - then fled after using a vacuum cleaner to suck up hundreds of diamonds.

    Mourners flocked to the Bangkok funeral of Thailand's renowned orang-utan, Mike. The ape's mate Susa - they "married" alongside four human couples in 1996 - wore black.

    A girl appeared in court accused of smuggling £1 million worth of heroin into Manchester Airport. She is aged 13.

    Punters in a casino in Indianapolis play noughts and crosses against 15 trained chickens for a £3,000 prize. No one has beaten them yet.

    A man in New Mexico was arrested after he telephoned the owners to ask how the stereo system worked.

    A man tried to murder his ex-girlfriend by waving a radioactive isotope that he had stolen from work over food in her Berlin flat. A court was told that it cost £500,000 to decontaminate the flat.

    A rector's wife in Melton Mowbray who left her husband for a married vicar only to return home, changed her mind yet again and went back to the vicar.

    A prisoner broke out of a Scottish jail to steal 3,000 cigarettes from a petrol station then climbed back to return to his cell. His cache was discovered when another prisoner tipped off guards.

    Climbers from Japan and South Korea cleared two tons of rubbish from the South Col valley on Everest, including oxygen bottles dated 1952. They also buried two bodies.

    Sri Lankan Airlines "lost" its chief executive when his own staff put him on the wrong plane at Columbo.

    A bride in Portugal vanished while the groom waited at the altar. She was later spotted in Lisbon - and charged with the theft of £95,000 worth of wedding presents.

    Prostitutes in Germany tried to drum up new business by holding an open day at brothels. "We want people to get a realistic idea of what our career is actually like", said one.

  • A legal technicality.

    In October, a judge freed Tammy Skinner, 22, of Suffolk, Va., who had been charged with killing her unborn, third-trimester child by shooting herself in the abdomen. The judge said Virginia's anti-abortion law, like those of other states, makes criminals of doctors and others who abort third-trimester fetuses (absent special medical circumstances) but exempt the mother herself.

  • Something for the weekend.

    I phoned up C... last night; just to tell her how much I enjoyed our visit to York, and to thank her for inviting me to join her.

    She seemed very pleased to hear from me (although it wasn't the most convenient time to call - she was in the middle of making dinner) and I got around to suggesting that we go for a walk in the country on Saturday and plan to end up visiting a pub.

    She's going to phone me on Thursday night later in the evening when she's not busy.

    Definitely something to look forward to for the weekend.

  • Laughable lawsuits

    1. Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore Inc. for the death of her dog.
    After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, "just a few minutes, on low," to dry it off.
    The case was dismissed.

    2. A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed.
    The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic.

    3. A phone-sex operator in Florida won a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered repetitive-motion injuries in both hands.
    The repetitive motion was the result of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking to clients.

    4. 17-year-old Ricky Higgins is suing his high school after he was kicked off the basketball team for driving drunk.
    He is suing for $100,000 and would like to be reinstated on the team. His lawyers claim that he is an alcoholic, and that his disability is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

    5. A New York small-business owner is suing Air France after crew members broke down the bathroom door and pulled him out in front of other passengers, fully exposing him.
    A smoke alarm had gone off on the plane, and they thought he was smoking. He is suing for $12 million.

  • What employment ads really mean.

    "Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
    "Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

    "Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

    "Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    "Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

    "Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    "Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

    "Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

    "Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

    "Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

    "Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

  • A recent news report.

    A man was treated in hospital after he was impaled on a sword, after a 'play fight' with his brother went a bit wrong.

    That the fight wouldn't end well might have been guessed by the fact that one brother had a sword, while the other only had a plunger. Thus ingoring the well known phrase, 'never bring a plunger to a sword fight.'

    Perhaps unexpectedly, it seems that the plunger might actually have been the more effective weapon. Those Daleks clearly know what they're doing.

    According to police reports, the boy lunged at his brother with the plunger, which promptly suctioned itself hard to his stomach.

    It was as the man was trying to remove the plunger from his brother's stomach that, apparently, he managed to impale himself on the sword.

    The man was taken to hospital in the brothers' hometown of Denton, Texas, where he was treated for non-life threatening injuries. It is not currently known if the plunger has yet been removed from the brother's stomach.

  • Funny Abraham Lincoln Quotes

    If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

    ***
    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

    ***
    He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met. (referring to a lawyer)

    ***
    It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

    ***
    You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.

    ***
    When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.

  • I could have been...

    I could have been . . .

    An accountant
    But, I didn't get an entry.

    An actor
    But, my father created a scene.

    An aeromodeller
    But, I wanted more than plane fun.

    An archeologist
    But, I didn't want my career in ruins.

    An architect
    But, I only built castles in the air.

    An architect
    But, my plans weren't realized.

    An artist
    But, my father drew the line.

    An athlete
    But, there were too many hurdles.

    An aviator
    But, I didn't want to be accused of putting on airs.

  • Some more of life's important questions.

    What is the speed of dark?
    When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
    Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
    If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
    How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
    What's another word for synonym?
    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    When sign-makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
    How can there be self-help groups?
    Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
    Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
    Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
    Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
    When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
    If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

  • Computer Reproduction.

    Father, how did I come into being”, asks son.

    “Well, son, that’s a tricky question…But I guess you will find out sooner or later. So let’s get over with it now… I first talked to your mum in the Chat Room. Then we met in the Internet Café. There we went to Back Office where your mother wanted to Install some Software from my Joystick. But when we started the Installation process, we suddenly noticed that our Firewall was down and it was too late to press Cancel or ESC, because we have disabled the option “Do you want to cancel the installation process” in Admin Panel. Your mum’s Antivirus Software hasn’t been updated in weeks and missed the Blaster worm. Well, the SIP (Software Installation Process) went into the self Reinforcing Loop for the next nine months, when it finally produced some unexpected results…”

  • Trapped!

    This hasn't happened to me before.

    I was on the bus returning to town from visiting my parents and the bus (a full-sized 52 seater) got stuck on one of the estates - our way was blocked by parked vehicles.

    The driver kept honking his horn for a couple of minutes, but no-one came out to remove their vehicle; so he had to reverse the bus for probably over a hundred yards to get back onto the main road. Because of other parked vehicles and a sharp turn this manoeuvre took fifteen minutes.

    I just don't understand why the full-sized buses on long distance routes need to serve the estates when local minibuses are scooting along every ten minutes or so to take people into town.

  • Aliabad Iranian Special Weapons Facility

    According to SiteMeter, yesterday I had a visitor to my blog from Aliabad in Iran.

    I couldn't locate the place on Multimap and so just typed it into Google and the first web page that appeared was a report speculating about what facilities might be at the site.

    This could be very interesting - however, there are several hundred localities called Aliabad and so my visitor will most likely live at one of those.

  • Trip to York

    The trip to York with C.... went very well yesterday. We walked around the Museum Gardens and a section of the City Wall, where we ate our sandwiches. We had a drink in about half a dozen pubs and spent a lot of time arm in arm, talking and snogging. We even persuaded a woman to take a photograph of the two of us together.

    Things are looking good; we certainly seem to like each other. There's nothing definitely planned for the next few days, but I'll be phoning her sometime before the onset of the weekend.

  • A Joke

    A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

  • More bizarre patents registered with U.S. Patent Office

    Pants separable at crotch for style mixing.

    Gravity powered shoe air conditioner.

    Disc-shaped submersible aircraft.

    Self containing enclosure for protection from killer bees.

    Microwave clothes dryer and method with hazard protection.

    Fly swatter with sound effects.

    Devices for making artificial egg yolk in the form of disks.

  • Neil Armstrong's Message

    I've just found this...I hope it's true!

    When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky."

    Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Then, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

    When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

  • Only in America

    Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
    just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
    garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
    He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
    garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and
    Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
    subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
    He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
    mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

  • There must be a point to this.

    Wearing 625 condoms at once leads to severe penile injury
    2006/10/30

    Some of you may have heard of the practice of “double bagging” – wearing two condoms during sex for extra protection. Taking this idea to its ultimate extreme, researchers from myscienceproject.org set out to answer the question “How many condoms can you put on your dick?”

    However, since they were unable to find anyone with a penis willing to undertake this assignment, they had to settle for answering the question “How many condoms can you put on a dildo?” The answer: a lot. Hundreds. Tons. Or at least a couple of pounds worth.

    The experiment began with a bare dildo and a box of bulk regular size and thickness condoms.

    The first 100 or so condoms went on quite easily, and added about two inches of length to the dildo. However, after 200 condoms had been applied, it became obvious that the condoms’ reservoir tips were stacking up, giving the dildo a distinctive, missile-like shape.

    By the time of 300 condom mark, the dildo had become so top heavy it could not stand upright unsupported. As researchers kept adding condoms, the length of the dildo continued to extend, while its girth at the widest point began to approach the diameter of a soda can.

    Unfortunately, researchers finally exhausted their supply of condoms and had to stop their experiment However, they became one step closer to answering the question “How many condoms can you put on a dildo?” At least 625.

    The condoms also added an impressive amount of weight to the dildo. Pre-condoms, the bare dildo weighed in at just over 1 pound -- about 1 lb. In contrast, the condom-covered dildo weighed in at a hefty 3 lbs. The condoms added a full 2.25 lbs.

    The results of our experiment indicate that putting a large number of condoms on an actual male sex organ would most likely result in severe penile injury. First, the pressure exerted by the condoms would result in constriction of circulation in the penis and probable tissue damage. Second, if left unsupported, the weight of the condoms would pull the penis and scrotum downward and could possibly result in injury to the penile shaft or base of the organ and groin. Do not attempt this experiment with an actual penis.

    Source: http://www.myscienceproject.org/

  • It's against the law.

    Nicholas County, WV
    No Clergy shall tell a joke from the pulpit.

    Gloversville, NY
    Woman wrestlers are prohibited within city limits.

    Compton, CA
    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited.

    Lake Charles, LA
    It's illegal to let a rain puddle remain in your front yard more than 12 hours.

    Walden, NY
    You cannot give someone a drink of water without a permit.

    Vermont
    It's illegal to whistle underwater.

    Fort Madison, IA
    Fire department personnel are required to practice 15 minutes before attending a fire.

    California
    A housewife may go to prison if she doesn't cook her dusting cloth after use.

    Elko, NV
    No one shall walk upon the street without wearing a mask.

    Colorado
    Serving of food in a room used for any other purpose is prohibited.

    New York City, NY
    No decks of cards allowed in any apartment located within a mile's radius of an armory.

    Wyoming
    Women are required to stand 5 feet away from bars when drinking in public.

    South Carolina
    Hip pockets are illegal. (They provide a convenient place for pint bottles)

    Virginia
    Horses of more than one year old are prohibited in a place of worship

  • Phone Problems

    Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tennesse, had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

    The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

    From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

    Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

    The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

    At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

    A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

    The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

    She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

    Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

    Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

    People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

    Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

    Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

  • Being Assertive

    Today I've been very assertive at work. I was informed that since the building where I work will be closed for a fortnight over the Christmas holidays I would have to use up six days of my holiday entitlement.

    I immediately arranged to have a word with my line manager (who also happens to be the manager of the charity).

    I told her this was grossly unfair since I only have ten days holiday entitlement and people whose contracts finished before Christmas were able to take their holidays whenever they liked (and would also have an extra two days bank holidays due to the uneven spread of statutory holidays throughout the calendar year.)

    I then proceeded to tell her that this state of affairs is totally unacceptable and I would not be prepared to compromise in the least, and so other arrangements will have to be made.

    It seems that I'll be able to be based at the offices in town of another project associated with the charity for two days and take some work home for the other four days.

    No compromise. No surrender.

  • Adventurous Dining

    A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

    After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

    "What's this?" he asks.

    "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
    "What are cojones?" the man asks.
    "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

    At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

    "What's this?" he asks the waiter.
    "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

    "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

    "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

  • More funny courtroom exchanges

    Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK?
    Witness: Oral.
    Lawyer: Good. What school did you go to?
    Witness: Oral.

    Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas?
    Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

    Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
    Witness: No.
    Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
    Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
    Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
    Witness: Between milepost 498 and 500.

    Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
    Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Lawyer: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Lawyer: It was covered?
    Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
    Lawyer: Then, later on, what did you see?
    Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

    Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
    Witness: No.

    Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
    Witness: There were traces of semen.
    Lawyer: Male semen?
    Witness: That's the only kind I know of.

  • The doctor and the lawyer.

    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

    Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

    After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

    The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

    When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

  • Stupidity, or the first day of a taxpayers' revolt?

    Today is the first time we are scheduled to have our green bins emptied; but not the normal black ones. As I was walking into town this morning I noticed that as I passed the back alleyways about a third of the houses had put out their black bins as usual, but no-one had put out a green bin.

    On returning home about thirty minutes ago, I noticed that none of the bins had been emptied (even though several were obviously already full). They did have a sticker on them though.

    Most people on my street have paved over their gardens and so have no use for a green bin. I'm one of the few residents to still actually have a garden; but my green bin won't need emptying for ages - all I've put in it so far are about half a dozen dahlia deadheads.

  • Think about it...

    Death is hereditary.

    The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

    Smoking is a dying art.

    The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.
    (attributed to George W Bush Jr.)

    You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

    Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.

    The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

    All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

    No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

  • Good News To Report.

    My friend finally managed to track down C....'s phone number for me and I rang her. I had to leave a message with her answering service though.

    However, she's just phoned me back and we're meeting in the pub on Friday evening and going to York for the day on Saturday.

  • A funny joke I found.

    An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

    The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

    "What did he say? What's he want?"

    His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

  • Ten things that sound dirty at the office...but aren't!

    I need you to whip it out by 5!

    Mind if I use your laptop?

    Put it in my box before you leave.

    If I have to lick one more; I'll gag!

    I want it on my desk...NOW!

    Hmmmmm....I think it's out of fluid.

    My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish..

    It's an entry-level position.

    When do you think you'll be getting off today?

    It's NOT fair...I do all the work while he justs sits back!

  • Some good quotes

    "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
    - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

    "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
    - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

    "Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
    - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

    "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
    - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

    "His ignorance is encyclopedic"
    - Abba Eban (1915-2002)

    "If a man does his best, what else is there?"
    - General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

    "I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better."
    - A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

    "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
    - Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

    "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
    - Saint Augustine (354-430)

    "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
    - Galileo Galilei

    "The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."
    - Emile Zola (1840-1902)

    "This book fills a much-needed gap."
    - Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

    "The full use of your powers along lines of excellence."
    - definition of "happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

    "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
    - e e cummings (1894-1962)

    "Give me a museum and I'll fill it."
    - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

    "Assassins!"
    - Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

    "I'll moider da bum."
    - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

    "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."
    - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

    "I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."
    - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

    "Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems."
    - Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode"

    "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
    - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

    "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."
    - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

    "Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
    - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

    "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
    - George Burns (1896-1996)

    "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
    - Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

    "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."
    - Edsgar Dijkstra

    "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
    - Bjarne Stroustrup

    "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
    - Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

    "Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back."
    - Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

    "Dancing is silent poetry."
    - Simonides (556-468bc)

    "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
    - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

    "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

    "But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near."
    - Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

    "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
    - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

    "The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

    "Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'."
    - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

    "Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn."
    - Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-)

    "We have art to save ourselves from the truth."
    - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

    "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
    - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

    "I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it."
    - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) when asked what is his favorite song

    "Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
    - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

    "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
    - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

    "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
    - unknown

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
    - Sharon Stone

    "If you are going through hell, keep going."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."
    - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

    "Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions."
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    "I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
    - Voltaire (1694-1778)

    "He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
    - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

    "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
    - Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

    "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
    - J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

    "Facts are the enemy of truth."
    - Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

    "When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world."
    - George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

    "How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."
    - Anais Nin (1903-1977)

    "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
    - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

    "I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right."
    - Frederick (II) the Great

    "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
    - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

    "Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."
    - George Eliot (1819-1880)

    "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
    - Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

    "Black holes are where God divided by zero."
    - Steven Wright

    "I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
    - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

    "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
    - Walt Disney (1901-1966)

    "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
    - Vince Lombardi

    "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
    - James Branch Cabell

    "A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship."
    - John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

    "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
    - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

    "You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it."
    - Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

    "An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered."
    - Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

    "I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
    - Umberto Eco

    "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."
    - Jimmy Durante

    "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
    - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

    "A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
    - Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953

    "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
    - Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

    "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
    - Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

    "Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
    - Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

    "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
    - Frank Zappa

    "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
    - Antoine de Saint Exupery

    "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
    - Isaac Asimov

    "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
    - Carl Sagan

    "It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."
    - G. B. Burgin

    "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action."
    - Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

    "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
    - Jimi Hendrix

    "A clever man commits no minor blunders."
    - Goethe (1749-1832)

    "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours."
    - Richard Bach

    "A witty saying proves nothing."
    - Voltaire (1694-1778)

    "Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera."
    - James Stephens (1882-1950)

    "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
    - Henry Kissinger (1923-)

    "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
    - Will Durant

    "I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."
    - Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

    "It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
    - Mario Andretti

    "I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means."
    - Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.

    "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
    - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

    "I'll sleep when I'm dead."
    - Warren Zevon (1947-2003)

    "There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread."
    - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

    "When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."
    - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

    "The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, they finish by loading honors on your head."
    - Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

    "Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together."
    - Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

    "Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it"
    - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

    "While we are postponing, life speeds by."
    - Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

    "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"
    - Bumper Sticker

    "God, please save me from your followers!"
    - Bumper Sticker

    "Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
    - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

    "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
    - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

    "Luck is the residue of design."
    - Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team

    "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
    - Mel Brooks

    "Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."
    - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

    "Wit is educated insolence."
    - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

    "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
    - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

    "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."
    - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

    "A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
    - Gore Vidal

    "Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them."
    - Samuel Palmer (1805-80)

    "It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows."
    - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

    "Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
    - Guy Davenport

    "When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."
    - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
    - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

    "We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?"
    - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

    "When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."
    - Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)

    "In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite."
    - Paul Dirac (1902-1984)

    "I would have made a good Pope."
    - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

    "In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience."
    - W.B. Prescott

    "Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin."
    - John von Neumann (1903-1957)

    "The mistakes are all waiting to be made."
    - chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position

    "It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims."
    - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

    "Grove giveth and Gates taketh away."
    - Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands

    "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
    - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

    "A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation."
    - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

    "There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult."
    - C. A. R. Hoare

    "Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    "What do you take me for, an idiot?"
    - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

    "I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon."
    - Bill Hirst

    "Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."
    - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

    "A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    "It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

    "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
    - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

    "A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
    - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

    "Logic is in the eye of the logician."
    - Gloria Steinem

    "No one can earn a million dollars honestly."
    - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

    "Everything has been figured out, except how to live."
    - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

    "Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech."
    - Martin Fraquhar Tupper

    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it."
    - Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

    "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
    - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

    "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "When ideas fail, words come in very handy."
    - Goethe (1749-1832)

    "In the end, everything is a gag."
    - Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

    "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."
    - Lucille S. Harper

    "You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
    - Yogi Berra

    "I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
    - Walt Disney (1901-1966)

    "He who hesitates is a damned fool."
    - Mae West (1892-1980)

    "Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater."
    - Gail Godwin

    "University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small."
    - Henry Kissinger (1923-)

    "The graveyards are full of indispensable men."
    - Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

    "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty."
    - Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

    "Behind every great fortune there is a crime."
    - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

    "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."
    - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

    "I am not young enough to know everything."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
    - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

    "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
    - General George Patton (1885-1945)

    "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

    "There is no sincerer love than the love of food."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

    "I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."
    - Katherine Cebrian

    "I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
    - Steven Wright

    "Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour."
    - Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

    "Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure."
    - Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

    "I have read your book and much like it."
    - Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

    "The covers of this book are too far apart."
    - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

    "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them."
    - Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

    "Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."
    - Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

    "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
    - Voltaire (1694-1778)

    "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
    - Mae West (1892-1980)

    "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
    - Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

    "No Sane man will dance."
    - Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

    "Hell is a half-filled auditorium."
    - Robert Frost (1874-1963)

    "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
    - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

    "Vote early and vote often."
    - Al Capone (1899-1947)

    "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
    - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

    "Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."
    - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

    "Hell is other people."
    - Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

    "I am become death, shatterer of worlds."
    - Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)

    "Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
    - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

    "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
    - Thomas Jones

    "You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
    - Al Capone (1899-1947)

    "The gods too are fond of a joke."
    - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

    "Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."
    - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

    "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
    - Gloria Leonard

    "It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."
    - Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

    "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
    - Robert Orben

    "The cynics are right nine times out of ten."
    - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

    "There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem."
    - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

  • More funny mistakes made by students of English.

    DATING
    That night, we went skin dipping- Just the two of us!
    You mean you went skinny dipping?
    It is called skinny dipping? But I'm not very skinny!
    Well, that's what they call it if you go swimming nude.
    What is "Nude?"
    Nude means Naked. No clothes or swimsuits.
    Naked? No! I would never skin dip naked! There are little slippery fish everywhere! We skinned dipped with our underwear over us.

    * * * * *

    We were lovers,
    but now she is my biggest enema!

    * * * * *

    We have hated each other for so long.
    I want to borrow the hatchet.

    * * * * *
    My relationship with my
    ax girlfriend was so painful.

    * * * * *

    FOOD AND COOKING

    Do you like this food?
    I made it from scratching!

    * * * * *

    I never liked mushrooms,
    but now they are starting to grow in me.

    * * * * *

    Do you like your coffee cremated?

    * * * * *

    Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
    You have what?
    Dirty toes. In my back pack.
    Um, can you spell that?
    Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you
    Want to try one?
    No thanks. I'm not so hungry
    right now.

    * * * * *

    —Put the cabbages in salt water.
    Then sit in the sink until the morning.

    —Add two cups of ground flowers.

    —Next, chop all the vegetarians
    into little pieces.

    —Then add small feces of fish.

    —Don't forget to insult the soup.

    —Next, add a little Buddha
    and mix it all up.

    —When you are finished cooking,
    find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.

    * * * * *

    HEALTH

    Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
    My friend hit my back very hard
    until I stopped.
    I was so lucky he was there!

    *

    A cold is caused by micro-orgasms in your nose.

    *

    I had a little ass dent this morning
    but I’m okay now.

    *

    My leg has been breaking for three weeks.

    *

    It is dangerous to smoke while
    you are becoming pregnant.

    *

    I have a very kinky neck.

    *
    I probably should have gone to the doctor
    one ear ago.

    *

    I want my face to have
    the buttocks treatment.
    The what?
    The buttocks treatment. It makes your
    wrinkles go away. It's very famous
    in Hollywood.
    Oh. It's pronounced "bo tox".
    That's it. The buttocks treatment.
    Maybe you need it too a little.

    * * * * *

    PARENTS

    I always ate lunch at school.
    But every day my mother made me suffer.

    * * * * *

    My bed has three blankets
    and a large guilt my parents gave me.

    * * * * *
    My father met us at the airport
    and gave me a big hog.
    Then he hogged my wife.

    *

    Renting and Dorm and Apartment Living

    * * * * *

    Me and my brother share
    a small womb in the basement.

    * * * * *

    We live on the sex floor.
    Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.

    * * * * *

    WEDDINGS

    I have something exciting to tell you.
    My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!

    * * * * *

    The groom was wearing
    A very nice croissant.

    * * * * *

    He lifted the veal off her face
    and gave her a big kiss.

    * * * * *

    WEATHER

    This morning, I was walking outside,
    when suddenly a big shower fell on me!

    * * * * *

    Yesterday I had strong wind here.

    * * * * *

    Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful
    about that. Once a car starts lusting,
    there's no way to stop it.

    * * * * *

    The entire country has been
    devastated by a long trout.

    * * * * *

    When a volcan explodes, millions
    of tons of larva can bury a city

    * * * * *

    TUTORING

    I am so eager to mate you!

    * * * * *
    Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?

    * * * * *

    You look sad today. Do you want to expose yourself to me?

    * * * * *

    I'm sorry, but I couldn't write my essay.
    My roommate had a toothache this morning.
    So you couldn't write your essay?
    Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!

    * * * * *
    TRAVELING

    Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.

    * * * * *

    How far should I tip the driver?

    * * * * *
    I heard California is full of nude peaches.

    * * * * *

    In some countries, you should only drink the water
    a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad,
    but it will not have poison.

    * * * * *

    You can't sleep with me because it is
    too crowded. But you can probably
    sleep with my sister. That's what most
    of my friends do when they visit.

    OTHER

    The cheerleaders threw up high into the air!

    *

    The police were attacked by a large group
    of angry mops.

    *

    The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.

    *

    Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.

    *

    If you don't believe in God your spit can go to hell.

  • Doing Everything I can to Contact Her.

    With reference to my earlier posting here.

    I'm currently talking on MSN Messenger with a friend who is providing me with contact phone numbers so that I can get in touch with C...

    I've already left two messages with peoples' answering services.

    Wish me look!

  • More amazing emergency room stories.

    Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

    Gilligan Rides Again

    A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Couch Fishing

    A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Most Likely To Get Dizzy Climbing Stairs…

    The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Late Mrs. . . .

    A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Laaaaassieeee, Oh, Laaaassieeee…

    A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Freshen Your Breath With…

    A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

  • Which is the explanation?

    As I was travelling in to work this morning I saw the binmen emptying the green bins and started to think about the truth of what they were doing.

    I came to the conclusion that only one of the following suppositions must be true:

    1...The binmen always use the same lorries whether they're emptying green bins or the normal black bins and are thus in contravention of the various laws and guidelines dealing with the prevention of the spread of foot and mouth disease in cattle because they are not ensuring that recyclable green waste does not come into contact with normal household waste containing food leftovers and organic waste.

    2...The binmen use the same lorries but fumigate them fortnightly.

    3...They use different lorries and thus have two separate fleets.

    Whichever observation is correct, I don't understand how any of this can be helping to protect the environment.

  • A warning to us all.

    I Link, Therefore I am
    by George Simpson, Monday, Apr 25, 2005 8:17 AM ET

    A WEST NYACK, N.Y. MAN was found dead at his computer apparently the victim of trying to keep up with too many professional forums. Childress H. Wanamaker, 54, an account executive at a New York-based new media company, died of starvation according to the West Nyack coroner's office. Wanamaker's emaciated body was found by Loraine, his wife of 26 years, who told MediaPost she had been bringing her husband meals on plastic trays for weeks, but that he never took the time to eat them.
    "He was glued to his computer 24/7," she said tearfully. "He was so afraid he was going to miss an opportunity to contribute a comment or start a discussion, that he just stopped eating." She added that Wanamaker's last words were "OK Picard, stick that in your pipe and smoke it..."

    Computer forensic specialists from SUNY at Cortland discovered that Wanamaker was subscribed to 48 different forums and networking communities including one apparently having to do with the elderly called "oldtimers" and another apparently limited to just 100 people. They also found that he posted a comment into one forum or another on an average of two per minute every hour of the day for the past seven weeks.

    "He felt under terrible pressure to be part of the online community," said his son, Lucian, who says he tried several times to get his father's attention and lure him away from the computer. "The only time he even looked up was when I told him I had seen Dane Madsen trying to steal his car out of the driveway."

    Police found what appeared to be an organization chart taped to the wall of Wanamaker's den with lines linking small photos of people unknown to the police including a Tom Hespos and an Adam Boettiger. Neither is considered a suspect in Wanamaker's death.

    "Once, I thought I had him," said Lucian Wanamaker, "when I said that mom had made cookies, but half out of his chair, he just sat back down mumbling something about two Roman gods; I believe it was Jupiter and Atlas having some sort of titanic battle. 'Let them eat PIE,' he bellowed banging on his keyboard."

    Computer forensic specialists reported that there was no order or continuity to Wanamaker's forum postings. "It looks like he just sort of randomly commented on whatever was in the discussion string at the time," said Stephen Hall, CUNY-Cortland adjunct professor of intemperate and impulsive behavior. "He let nothing go by unchallenged by his own point of view, nor failed to respond to any other community member asking for advice or a new job. This consumed not only 24 hours a day, but also, apparently, his physical health."

    In what must be a record, Wanamaker was linked into to over 15,250 other community members, many of whom he exchanged notes with daily. He also contributed to 375 blogs and was expected to start an online column about the impact of interactive communications on health, when he died.

    A virtual memorial service will be held online at a date to be determined.

  • Stupid ways in which famous people have died.

    Attila the Hun:

    One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

    How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

    In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

    --------------------

    Tycho Brahe:

    An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

    How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

    In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

    --------------------

    Horace Wells:

    Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

    How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

    While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

    --------------------

    Francis Bacon:

    One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

    How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

    One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

    --------------------

    Jerome Irving Rodale:

    Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

    How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods.

    Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

    --------------------

    Aeschylus:

    A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

    How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

    According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

    --------------------

    Jim Fixx:

    Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

    How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

    Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

    --------------------

  • On The Buses

    Message heard on a public transport vehicle in Orlando, Florida.
    "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head
    and watch your step.

    If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
    language. Thank you."

  • I'm so disappointed.

    With reference to my earlier posting here I've just tried to phone up C... and basically ask her out I suppose.

    There's a problem though, the number she gave me doesn't work - it's got a digit missing.

    So I don't know what to think or do. Did she just make a mistake because she was a bit tipsy, or was it a deliberate snub?

    I gave her my number and did stress that I'm a passive person she I'm really hoping she'll be getting in touch.

  • A crafty ploy

    Just something I've found.

    A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite
    mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.
    The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had
    brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded
    him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

    The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him
    immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will
    die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will
    die three days later."

  • Rude Spoonerisms

    Rude Spoonerisms

    It's easy to get tongue-tied and accidentally say something rude, as you'll know if you've ever watched one of those compilations of TV slip-ups. Often just switching two small sounds in a phrase will result in an embarrassing, or even obscene Spoonerism!
    Try reading these out loud, but not within earshot of your grandmother... just in case!

    The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

    Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

    He fills her soul with hope.

    It's the Tale of Two Cities.

    Have you brought your sleeping bag?

    She is sure pretty.

    Have you seen her sick duck?

    Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

    He's not a pheasant plucker.

    She showed me her tool kits.

    He's a smart fella.

    A hot pie would make me happy.

    Fire truck.

    Overhead door.

  • A nice bit of wordplay.

    Three old men are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

    Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

  • Wow...what a night!

    I had a wonderful evening in the pub last night. I ended up snogging and fondling C...for at least half an hour. We've exchanged phone numbers - and, she was keen to give me hers first.

    So; things are looking promising. We probably would have ended up back at her place but she was out with her teenage daughter (19) who was a bit miffed to see her mum behaving in this manner and so we had to break things off.

    Over the years we've both been regulars at the pub, C... has occasionally danced with me or given me a passionate hug or kiss, but I never thought anything of it because she'd always forget my name and call me either Ian or Steve.

    Before the snogging we had a nice long conversation and I told her I'm shy and a bit passive and would need some encouragement; but I'm definitely feeling confident enough to give her a call later.

  • Language permutations

    The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

    HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
    Can you drive a French motorcycle?

    EX POST FUCTO
    Lost in the mail

    IDIOS AMIGOS
    We're wild and crazy guys!

    VENI, VIPI, VICI
    I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

    RIGOR MORRIS
    The cat is dead.

    RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
    Honk if you're Scottish.

    QUE SERA SERF
    Life is feudal.

    LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
    The king is dead. No kidding.

    POSH MORTEM
    Death styles of the rich and famous

    PRO BOZO PUBLICO
    Support your local clown.

    MONAGE A TROIS
    I am three years old.

    FELIX NAVIDAD
    Our cat has a boat.

    HASTE CUISINE
    Fast French food

    VENI, VIDI, VICE
    I came, I saw, I partied.

    QUIP PRO QUO
    A fast retort

    APRES MOE LE DELUGE
    Larry and Curly got wet.

    ICH LIEBE RICH
    I'm really crazy about having dough.

    FUI GENERIS
    What's mine is mine.

    VISA LA FRANCE
    Don't leave your chateau without it.

    CA VA SANS DIRT
    And that's not gossip.

    MERCI RIEN
    Thanks for nothin'!

    AMICUS PURIAE
    Platonic friend

    L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
    I'm bossy around here.

    Veni, Vidu, Velcro
    I came, I saw, I stayed...

  • Some Questions.

    How come wrong numbers are never busy?

    Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

    Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip"

    Does killing time damage eternity?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

    Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

    Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

    Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address,
    you turn down the volume on the radio?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
    liquid made with real lemons?

    Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?

    Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

    Daylight savings time-why are they saving it and where do they
    keep it?

    Do pilots take crash courses?

    Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

    Have you ever seen a toad on a toad stool?

    How can there be self-help "groups"?

    How do you get off a nonstop flight?

    How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

    How many weeks are there in a light year?

    If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his
    Walkman?

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

    If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
    earmuffs?

    If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns
    out of?

    If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

    If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

    Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
    running child?

  • Marriage Advice...from children.

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
    like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
    keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
    marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
    who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
    then. - Camille, age 10

    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
    married. - Freddie, age 6

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
    the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
    each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
    enough. - Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
    gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
    newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
    columns. - Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
    with that. - Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
    them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
    someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -Kelvin, age 8

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck
    -Ricky, age 10

  • Answering Machine Message At Mental Hospital.

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

  • I've never seen this before.

    A man, pulling a woman in a wheelchair [probably his wife] around town so that instead of facing one another, they had their backs turned to each other.

    Maybe they'd had an argument; they were certainly attracting a lot of stares.

  • Mike The Headless Chicken

    A very bizarre tale.

    He really was a chicken running around with his head cut off.
    The e-mail message seemed innocent enough. A reader simply asked "Ever heard of the story posted here at this link?" and offered a hyperlink to another web page. I clicked and came across a story that I was sure had to be pure fiction. The only problem is that the story appears to be totally true.

    This is the story about Mike the chicken. Mike, of course, was not your ordinary chicken. No, not ordinary at all. You see, Mike was a headless chicken. If you want to be really specific, Mike was actually a headless Wyandotte rooster.

    I should point out that Mike wasn't always a headless bird. In fact, he was born 100% normal, complete with a head (most normal chickens have one of these) in Fruita, Colorado.

    On September 10, 1945, Mike's short five-and-a-half month life was about to take a turn for the worse. On this day, Mike received a death sentence. His owners, Lloyd and Clara Olsen, decided that it was time to slaughter a group of birds, some to sell and to prepare others for themselves. Out to the hen house they went…

    Watch out Mike!

    As you can probably imagine, Mr. Olsen was the one whacking the heads off while Clara plucked and cleaned the birds.

    Bash! Down came the axe and off went Mike's head.

    Mike's head was surely dead. Mike's body was not.

    Now I know what you are thinking - it is well known that chickens will run around frantically when their heads are chopped off. That's probably where that old expression comes from. And, everyone knows that a headless chicken just can't survive more than a few moments.

    Apparently, Mike forgot to read the rulebook for playing the game of Life. His head may have been lying on the floor, but he had no problem standing up and strutting around as if nothing had actually happened. The next day, Mike was still flopping around, so Lloyd decided to feed him to see how long he could keep the bird alive. Day after day he continued to gain weight.

    Mike could easily balance himself on the highest perches without falling. His crowing consisted of a gurgling sound made in his throat. Mike even attempted to preen his feathers with his nonexistent head (apparently he never noticed). It seems that Mike could do just about anything that any other chicken could do, if you exclude all of the functions of his head.

    As I'm sure you can imagine, headless chickens are not an everyday event. In the tradition of that famous huckster Barnum, there was money to be made in this oddity. A promoter by the name of Hope Wade came along and convinced Lloyd that Mike would be a big draw in the sideshow circuit. Miracle Mike, as he soon came to be known, toured up and down the West Coast of the United States. Just six weeks after his beheading, Mike was featured in a Life magazine article and his fame grew. For just 25 cents, anyone could pay to get a look at Mike. At the height of his popularity, Mike was raking in a cool $4,500 per month, which was no small potatoes in those days. They probably would have thrown in his head as a bonus - it was stored in a canning jar and toured along with Mike. (Actually, a cat ate Mike’s head. Some other poor chicken’s head was pickled in the jar.)

    And, if there was money to be made, there were also copycats. Other people in Mike's hometown began to chop the heads off of their own chickens in an attempt to get in on the scheme. One copycat headless rooster was named Lucky and he managed to live for eleven days before bashing himself into a stovepipe and dying (Lucky wasn't that lucky after all). Several other headless chickens lived for a couple of days.

    So how was Mike able to survive? Scientists examined him and determined that Mr. Olsen had not done a very good job at chopping Mike's head off. Most of the head was actually removed, but one ear remained intact. The slice actually missed the jugular vein and a clot prevented him from bleeding to death. Apparently, most of a chicken's reflex actions are located in the brain stem, which was also largely untouched. Mike was also examined by the officers of several humane societies and was declared to have been free from suffering.

    Through his open esophagus, Mike was fed a mixture of ground up grain and water with your typical eyedropper. Little bits of gravel were dropped down his throat to help his gizzard grind up the food.

    One serious problem that Mike commonly experienced was that he would start to choke on his own mucus. The Olsens came up with the simple solution of using a syringe to suck the mucus out. But, one day tragedy struck. Mike was traveling back home to Fruita and was roosting with the Olsens in their Phoenix motel room. They heard Mike choking in the middle of the night and quickly realized that they had left the syringe at the sideshow the day before. Miracle Mike was no more.

    The exact date of Mike’s belated departure from this world was never recorded. Years later, it was estimated, based on Lloyd’s information, that Miracle Mike died in March of 1947. Eighteen months living without a head could be considered a world’s record. Yet, Lloyd didn’t want to admit that he had accidentally killed the bird, so he claimed that he had sold the bird off. This little white lie is the reason that many of the stories printed about Mike claimed that he was still touring the country as late as 1949.

    But wait, the story is not over! Mike actually has his own holiday! On May 17, 1999, Mike's hometown of Fruita held the first "Mike the Headless Chicken Day" in honor of one of its most famous citizens. Some of the events included the 5K Run Like a Headless Chicken Race, egg tosses, Pin the Head on the Chicken, the Chicken Cluck-Off, and the classic Chicken Dance. The food offerings included - you guessed it - chicken, chicken salad, and the like. Let's not forget the great game of Chicken Bingo in which the numbers were chosen by where chicken droppings fell on a numbered grid.

    If you are interested, Mike the Headless Chicken Day is an annual event. As peculiar as it is to describe, it actually sounds like a great time. And it’s all done in celebration of the life of one lucky bird named Miracle Mike.

  • Famous Malapropisms

    Famous people are far from immune to making mistakes. Unfortunately for them, unlike us "nobodies", when they come out with a hilarious slip of the tongue it is often recorded for posterity on pages like this! Below is a selection of celebrity malapropisms – from politicians, TV stars, and sports personalities. Can you spot the inappropriately used word in each quotation?

    "Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English channel?"
    Cilla Black

    "It is beyond my apprehension."
    Danny Ozark, baseball team manager

    "Listen to the blabbing brook."
    Norm Crosby

    "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
    Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

    "She's really tough; she's remorseful."
    David Moorcroft

    "And then he [Mike Tyson] will have only channel vision."
    Frank Bruno, boxer

    "Cardial - as in cardial arrest."
    Eve Pollard

    "Marie Scott... has really plummeted to the top."
    Alan Weeks

    "He's going up and down like a metronome."
    Ron Pickering

    "He's on 90... 10 away from that mythical figure."
    Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator

    "Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final."
    Fred Trueman

    "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
    George W. Bush

    "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
    Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor

    "He was a man of great statue."
    Thomas Menino, Boston mayor

    "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    Dan Quayle, Vice President

    "Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
    Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game

    "If Gower had stopped that [cricket ball] he would have decapitated his hand."
    Farokh Engineer

    "We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest."
    Valerie Singleton

    "This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through."
    Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator

    "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
    Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant

    "It's got lots of installation."
    Mike Smith, describing his new coat

  • Interesting facts about water and Coca Cola.

    1. Seventy-five percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
    (Likely applies to half world population.)

    2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
    mistaken for hunger.

    3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

    4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of
    the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

    5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

    6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
    significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

    7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with
    basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

    8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it
    can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop
    bladder cancer.

    9. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. [To where though?]

    10. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the
    "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke
    removes stains from vitreous china.

  • One-liners for women.

    Women's One Liners

    I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

    A hard-on does not count as personal growth.

    This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    Do I look like a fricking people person?

    I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

    If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

    Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

    See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.

    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.

    Okay, okay I take it back. Un-Fuck you!

    Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

    Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    And which dwarf are you?

    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.

  • Genuine comments on CVs.

    Submitted to a BBC forum.

    In rare moments of solitude I like to spend time with my parents' sheep and goat.

    I like to collect hovercraft and eels. Sometimes my eels escape.

    Interests: marital arts.

    I attend church regally.

  • Words that really ought to exist, but don't.

    Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

    Karmageddon: its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    Glibido: All talk and no action.

    Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

  • Tags

    I spent about half an hour this morning trying to tidy up the overall appearance of my blog by deleting a lot of my subject tags which are listed down the right hand side of the screen. I'm sure there must be a more efficient way of doing it than clicking on each tag individually and being taken to the approriate blog entry where I then need to delete the relevant tab. So far I've only completed the tags beginning with the letter 'A'.

    Something unusual I've noticed - both my stats for blog.co.uk and SiteMeter recorded all 130 of my pageviews of my blog...something they've never never done when I've accessed it from the homepage, my stats page or even the editing page.

  • Letters to landlords.

    Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

    This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

    Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

    I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

    Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

  • The Best Emergency Room Stories Of 1995

    AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

  • Children & Religion.

    A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
    the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
    church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    *********

    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
    preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike
    cord as he went. Then he moved to one side,
    getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
    again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew
    leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

    *********

    A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
    becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one
    day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which
    Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
    King James Virgin?"

    *********

    A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
    They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher
    asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her
    hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers
    off thy neighbor's wife."

    **********

    One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up"
    during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best
    to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing
    the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and
    walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before
    reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly
    to the congregation,"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

    *******

    And one particular four-year old prayed,"And forgive us our
    trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

    *******

    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make
    me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time
    like I am."

  • I don't feel in the least bit guilty.

    I've just had a visit from Andy; who's been staying for far longer than he was welcome at my friend's house [Read about it here] and he blatantly asked if he could stay for the weekend.

    Knowing that was how he ended up staying for nearly six months at Mick's house I asserted myself and said 'no'. No reason given, just a firm and polite 'no.'

    He's not going to impose on me.

  • More Bizarre Foreign Laws

    In China, you must be intelligent in order to go to college.

    In Denmark, no one may start a car while someone is underneath the vehicle.

    In France, no pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner.

    In Israel, picking your nose is illegal.

    In Norway, you may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species.

    In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

    In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for anyone to use the services of a prostitute.

    In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

  • One Minor Detail.

    I'm assuming this is a true story.

    A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details.

    To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."

    He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."

    The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

    Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

  • Stupid U.S. Sports Quotes

    "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
    - - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach

    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
    - - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

    "You guys line up alphabetically by height."
    - - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach

    "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
    - - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

    "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
    - - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
    - - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

    "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
    - - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
    - - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    - - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

  • The Pronunciation of English

    Multinational personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

    Dearest creature in creation,
    Studying English pronunciation.
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
    It will keep you, Susy, busy,
    Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
    Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
    Pray console your loving poet,
    Make my coat look new, dear, sew it.

    Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word,
    Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
    (Mind the latter, how it's written.)
    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say - said, pay - paid, laid, but plaid.
    Now I surely will not plague you
    With such words as plaque and ague.
    But be careful how you speak:
    Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
    Cloven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

    Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
    Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Exiles, similes, and reviles;
    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far;
    One, anemone, Balmoral,
    Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
    Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
    Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

    Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.
    Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward.
    And your pronunciation's OK
    When you correctly say croquet,
    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

    Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
    And enamour rhyme with hammer.
    River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Doll and roll and some and home.
    Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
    Neither does devour with clangour.
    Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
    And then singer, ginger, linger,
    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

    Query does not rhyme with very,
    Nor does fury sound like bury.
    Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
    Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
    Though the differences seem little,
    We say actual but victual.
    Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
    Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
    Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
    Dull, bull, and George ate late.
    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
    Science, conscience, scientific.

    Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
    Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
    Mark the differences, moreover,
    Between mover, cover and Dover;
    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice;
    Camel, constable, unstable,
    Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, panel, and canal,
    Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor.
    Tour, but our and succour, four.
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
    Sea, idea, Korea, area,
    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

    Compare alien with Italian,
    Dandelion and battalion.
    Sally with ally, yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
    Say aver, but ever, fever,
    Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
    Heron, granary, canary.
    Crevice and device and aerie.

    Face, but preface, not efface.
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
    Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
    Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
    Ear, but earn and wear and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but ere.
    Seven is right, but so is even,
    Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
    Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
    Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

    Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
    Is a paling stout and spikey?
    Won't it make you lose your wits,
    Writing groats and saying grits?
    It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
    Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
    Islington and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

    Finally, which rhymes with enough --
    Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
    Hiccough has the sound of cup.
    My advice is to give up!!!

    Author: G. Nolst Trenité

  • Interesting Language Facts

    The first word spoken on the moon was "okay."
    Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the capital" in the Korean language
    The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with
    The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator
    The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want
    In English, "four" is the only digit that has the same number of letters as its value
    Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States
    The word "trivia" comes from the Latin "trivium" which is the place where three roads meet, a public square. People would gather and talk about all sorts of matters, most of which were trivial
    TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard
    "Speak of the Devil" is short for "Speak of the Devil and he shall come". It was believed that if you spoke about the Devil it would attract his attention. That's why when you're talking about someone and they show up people say "Speak of the Devil"
    The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "the King is dead"
    The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language
    The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
    Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"
    Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand
    The most common name in the world is Mohammed
    The longest non-medical word in the English language is FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION, which means "the act of estimating as worthless".
    Mafia in Old Arabic means 'sanctuary.'
    The longest word in the Old Testament is "Malhershalahashbaz."
    Karoke means 'empty orchestra' in Japanese.
    The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: "What hath God wrought?"
    The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: "Watson, please come here. I want you."
    Papaphobia is the fear of Popes
    The Academy Award statue is named after a librarian's uncle. One day Margaret Herrick, librarian for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, made a remark that the statue looked like her Uncle Oscar, and the name stuck.
    The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb."
    The three words in the English language with the letters "uu" are: vacuum, residuum and continuum.
    A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny. His middle name is George James
    'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'
    There are only four words in the English language which end in '-dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
    The word 'Bye' is used in both English and Spanish meaning the same thing
    Pogonophobia: The fear of beards
    In Chinese, the words crisis and opportunity are the same
    The infinity character on the keyboard is called a "lemniscate"
    Good bye came from God bye which came from God be with you. So-long came from the Arabic salaam and the Hebrew shalom
    The word 'nerd' was first coined by Dr. Seuss in 'If I ran the Zoo'
    before Jets, Jet lag was called Boat lag
    The word "monosyllable" actually has five syllables in it
    There are no words in the English language that rhyme with silver and orange
    The letter "n" ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel.
    It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
    'Zorro' means 'fox' in Spanish
    You won’t find a "6" in Cameroon phone numbers--the native language has no sound for "x."
    The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

  • Moods

    The Moods of a Woman

    An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
    A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
    She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
    But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
    Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
    She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
    She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
    She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
    At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
    She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

    The Moods of a Man

    Hungry.
    Horny.
    Sleepy.

  • Some Gender Definitions.

    "Woman is the wrath of Zeus." -Greek proverb
    Man: A creature made at the end of a week's work, when God was tired.
    Feminism: The radical idea that women are people.
    Women take to goodhearted men. Also from.
    A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.
    The trouble with men is their trouble with women.
    Woman: Man, the sequel.
    Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
    Women like the simple things in life...men!
    Women don't make fools out of a men - they only direct the performance.
    A woman is a two edged sword...driven through you!
    Thieves demand your money or your life...women want both.
    If you want your wife to listen, talk to another woman.
    The best way to drive your wife crazy is to smile in your sleep.
    30 is a good age for a woman - especially if she's 40.
    Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
    Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
    A wife lasts as long as a marriage. An ex-wife is forever.
    If logic prevailed, men would ride sidesaddle.
    When God made man, She was joking.
    TV Truth: Drinking beer attracts beautiful females.
    Thank heaven for little girls. We know who to thank for boys.
    Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
    God made Man first, then made Woman after he did some improvements.
    Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder & lightning.
    Behind every great man, there is a woman he is running from.
    Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it!
    Never argue with a woman when she's tired or rested.
    A fate worse than death is to be married alive.
    A woman stops telling her age when it starts telling on her.
    Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
    "Men play the game; women know the score." -Roger Woddis
    There are two ways to handle women, and I don't know either.
    Men are what their mothers made them.
    Men...can't live with them, can't keep 'em in the trunk.
    Men growing up are rewarded socially for eating a lot.
    Feminine of word "manager": assistant manager.

  • Busy Evening.

    I had a busy evening last night.

    After spending an eternity on the phone speaking to my mum I went to the Bonfire Night barbecue as planned. Stayed there for a couple of hours and then popped up the road to my friend's house. Found he wasn't at home, but his 'friend' who's been staying with him for the last four months and well and truly outstayed his welcome, was.

    It seems that Mick has finally persuaded Andy to leave (although he's said that before) - anyhow; Andy, in a rather sheepish voice asked if I'd got a spare room at my place. In a firm, but polite way I told him there was no way he would be staying with me...I need my own space.

    So, it was plan 'B' I suppose - he asked if he could store some stuff for a while until he sorts himself out. I was okay about this (I've got an empty attic bedroom where any junk will be well out of the way) and so he called for a taxi to take the two of us and his baggage back to my house.

    After we'd unloaded everything, he returned back to my friend's house in the taxi - it was the only way it was going to be.

  • November 5th.

    I'll soon be getting into the bath and then getting ready to go out to a Bonfire Night barbecue. It seems like the weather's going to okay, so it should be a good evening...good food and good company.

  • Emergency room nightmares.

    INNER SKELETON-----
    A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

    FEMALE SOFA-----
    A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

    PRICKLY PAIR
    In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

    PING PONG ANYONE?
    A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend was fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping-pong ball.

    BLIND DRUNK-----
    A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

    OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!
    A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

  • Unusual Irish Placenames

    I don't have any personal connection with Ireland at all - I just found this page interesting because it's about words and language.

    Short and Sweet

    While many Irish names are long and difficult to pronounce, others seem unusually short. Quite often these mean something very different than you might expect.

    Knock Not an invitation to announce your presence but meaning hill, from the Irish cnoc.

    Inch May or may not be a small place, however the name comes from the Irish Inis meaning Island.

    Camp A town of boy scouts perhaps, or a Mecca for the flamboyantly gay? Sadly no, it derives from the Irish An Com meaning the hollow.

    Swords Nothing at all to do with duelling at dawn, the name is from sord meaning well, so presumably there was one here once.

    Ovens Though it may well be home to many cooks, the name comes from Uamhanna (mh is pronouced v in Irish) meaning caves.

    Effin The name comes from the saint who founded the local church, Eimhín, or Evin.

    Muff Not a furry hand warmer nor indeed a .... well, never mind, it is in fact a mispronunciation of the Irish magh, meaning plain.

    Kill Not an invitation to murder, but a church (Chill) or wood (Coill).

    Peculiar Names
    Often these names suggest an intriguing story in the background, sometimes there even is one! Others just seem plain strange but usually there is a simple explanation.

    Ireland's Eye From the Norse ey meaning Island, this is an Island close to Dublin.

    Horse and Jockey There is now a pub here called, surprise, "Horse and Jockey". And the name comes from an Inn of that name which stood here, though not in quite the same location.

    Horseleap Hugh de Lacy, a landowner in this area, when fleeing from his enemies by horseback made what seemed like an impossible leap over the moat surrounding his castle. His feat gave the name to the place but the castle and the de Lacy family are long gone.

    Stonybatter This is part phonetic pronunciation of and part translation from the Irish, An Bothar Clochach, the stony road.

    Stillorgan Not at all what the English words separately suggest, musical or otherwise. It is a phonetic rendition of Stigh Lorcan or Lorcan's House.

    Hackballscross It sounds awful and it was. This was the location where a group of men variously described as rebels or thieves were hung and gibbeted following an attack on a local landowners house. That this happened is not disputed, but the name may in fact derive from someone's name.

  • Spell Check.

    I wish I'd written this - but I didn't.

    Spell Check

    Eye halve a spelling checker
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marks four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.
    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    It's rare lea ever wrong.
    Eye Have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect awl the weigh
    My checker tolled me sew.

  • Tombstone Humour

    These epitaphs are reported to be from actual tombstones...

    On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
    Here lies
    Ezekial Aikle
    Age 102
    The Good
    Die Young.

    In a London, England cemetery:
    Ann Mann
    Here lies Ann Mann,
    Who lived an old maid
    But died an old Mann.
    Dec. 8, 1767

    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
    Anna Wallace
    The children of Israel wanted bread
    And the Lord sent them manna,
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.

    Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
    Here lies
    Johnny Yeast
    Pardon me
    For not rising.

    Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
    Here lies the body
    of Jonathan Blake
    Stepped on the gas
    Instead of the brake.

    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
    Here lays Butch,
    We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger,
    But slow on the draw.

    A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
    Sacred to the memory of
    my husband John Barnes
    who died January 3, 1803
    His comely young widow, aged 23, has
    many qualifications of a good wife, and
    yearns to be comforted.

    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
    Sir John Strange
    Here lies an honest lawyer,
    And that is Strange.

    Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
    I was somebody.
    Who, is no business
    Of yours.

    Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
    Here lies Lester Moore
    Four slugs from a .44
    No Les No More.

    In a Georgia cemetery:
    "I told you I was sick!"

    John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
    Reader if cash thou art
    In want of any
    Dig 4 feet deep
    And thou wilt find a Penny.

    On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
    She always said her feet were killing her
    but nobody believed her.

    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
    On the 22nd of June
    - Jonathan Fiddle -
    Went out of tune.

    Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
    Here lies the body of our Anna
    Done to death by a banana
    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

    More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
    Gone away
    Owin' more
    Than he could pay.

    Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
    In Memory of Beza Wood
    Departed this life
    Nov. 2, 1837
    Aged 45 yrs.
    Here lies one Wood
    Enclosed in wood
    One Wood
    Within another.
    The outer wood
    Is very good:
    We cannot praise
    The other.

    On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
    Under the sod and under the trees
    Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
    He is not here, there's only the pod:
    Pease shelled out and went to God.

    Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
    Born 1903--Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
    the car was on the way down. It was.

    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist
    All dressed up
    And no place to go.

  • Your Home Town.

    Here's an interesting website I've found; it's called Weather Bonk. When you type in the name of anywhere in the world it displays the current weather conditions, a seven day forecast and the yearly climate statistics. It also features a fully interactive Google map, traffic reports and live local webcam feeds.

    Here's the link.

    Naturally I've set the default to Doncaster.

  • Please note: this isn't a true story.

    2001 Darwin Awards Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

    Fifteen Minutes of Flame
    2001 Darwin Award "April Fools' Day Joke"

    (1 April 2001, New York) A literary agent found himself dazed and patting out flames shortly after arriving at a two-alarm house fire equipped with a sandwich, a bullhorn, whiskey and a lawnchair. He climbed to the roof of a nearby house, perched on his lawnchair, and proceeded to lecture the startled emergency crew while enjoying his drink.
    Three firemen had just finished clearing the house, locating the residents' young golden retriever in the process, when they heard Frank's imperious command. "Drop the dog and open the hydrant this instant!"

    They turned in surprise and dropped the yelping puppy, which fell through the burning timbers and burst into flames. Onlookers mobbed the base of the heckler's house and threw cans and shrubbery at the obstreperous critic, who batted the projectiles aside with his bullhorn while continuing to drink whiskey and issue commands.

    "The north side is engaged!"
    "Position the hose along the azalea bushes!"
    "Stop picking your nose!"

    Sorely provoked, the the senior fireman, currently on administrative leave, picked up the dead (but still burning) dog and flung it onto the roof. The flaming animal landed in Frank's lap, igniting his spilled whiskey and severely burning his crotch.

    Frank heaved the dog off himself, but neglected to brace his feet on the slanted roof. The lawnchair toppled and fell from the house, miraculously avoiding onlookers, who watched aghast while the prostrate man suffered further injuries from falling embers and his own roof-top accoutrements.

    The house fire was eventually subdued, and paramedics transported the injured man and his loudspeaker to the hospital. Although he is recovering from his injuries, the prognosis is that he will never again be able to procreate with quite the same gusto .

    Neighbors have set up a Memorial Fund for the golden retriever. Photographs of the man-shaped depression in the lawn are available upon request.

  • 25 Signs That You've Finally Grown Up

    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

    4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

    6. You watch the Weather Channel.

    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

    13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

    19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

    24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

  • Some flying truisms

    FLYING TRUISMS

    When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

    Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

    Never trade luck for skill.

    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?"; "Where are we?" and " Ooh *censored*!"

    Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

    Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

    Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

    A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

    I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

    Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

    If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter-and therefore, unsafe.

    Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

    Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

    Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

    When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

    Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

    Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

    The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

    A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

    If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)

    If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

    Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

    You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

    Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

    There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

    The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

    "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

    What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

    Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

    If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

    Basic Flying Rules

    Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    Do not go near the edges of it.
    The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

    You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

  • George Burns One-Liners.

    Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
    I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
    I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
    You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
    If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
    It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
    Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
    Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
    Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
    There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
    Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
    Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
    By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
    Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
    Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
    First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
    For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
    Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
    Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
    I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
    I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

  • My Green Bin

    When I arrived home from work I was greeted by a green wheelie bin blocking access to my front door and an instruction pack on how to use it lurking on the doormat.

    This is somewhat inconvenient because we don't have gardens at the front of the house, so I had to go out into the back garden, unlock the gate, walk along the alleyway the ginnel and the street; recover my bin and then repeat the journey in reverse.

    Perhaps green bin urban orienteering might become the next new Olympic sport.

  • Signs seen outside U.S. churches.

    "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

    - "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

    - "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

    - "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

    - An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
    tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
    headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

    - When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign
    that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
    own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

    -"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

    -"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot
    water before you know how strong they are."

    -"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

    -"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

    -"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

    -"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

    -"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

    -"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are
    long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

    -"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

    -"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

  • I Don't Know What Will Happen.

    Yesterday I attended my regular group therapy session and mentioned what had happened last week about being unnecessarily critised for my haircut, the state of my skin, my shoes and how I walk in a public place (the details are here ).

    The group was very sympathetic and Brian, the occupational psychologist who leads the group is so angry about the situation that he is going to have a word with my employers. There'll probably be consequences for me to face; but to be honest, even if I'm asked to leave I won't be too upset, because I'm struggling and it's hardly worth my while financially.

  • Funny Bumper Stickers

    All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

    If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

    Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

    I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.

    He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

    I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

    "Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog

    Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

    Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

    They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

    A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

    When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

    Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

    The statement below is true.

    The statement above is false.

    If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

    Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

    Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.

    To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

    Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

    Half the people in the world are below average.

    Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Strip mining prevents forest fires.

    A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

    If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?

    If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

  • The Czech Dissident

    Through the centre of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
    Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

    The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

    The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

    The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

    And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

  • Jack or Barbara?

    Jack or Barbara

    Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barbara would have to be laid off.

    Dave looked at Mr Smith and said " Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

    "I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

    The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barbara to show up. Barbara was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barbara I've got a problem."

    "Really? What's wrong?" Barbara replied.

    "Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

    Barbara replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

  • Pre-Operation Assessment.

    Today I've received a letter from the hospital informing me that I need to go to the Montagu site at Mexborough for my pre-operation assessment on November 9th.

    According to the letter, they'll take my personal details and medical history, explain the procedure I'm about to undertake and possibly give a blood sample or have an x-ray or ECG.

    Looks like I'm all set to actually have the operation on my knee some time in the new year.

  • I nearly ruptured myself laughing as I read this story.

    A Felching Session

    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

    Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slippedFaggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted "Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

    Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: "It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queer's tradesman's entrance."

  • A Funny Story

    A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".

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