FLYING TRUISMS

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?"; "Where are we?" and " Ooh *censored*!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter-and therefore, unsafe.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

When I arrived home from work I was greeted by a green wheelie bin blocking access to my front door and an instruction pack on how to use it lurking on the doormat.

This is somewhat inconvenient because we don't have gardens at the front of the house, so I had to go out into the back garden, unlock the gate, walk along the alleyway the ginnel and the street; recover my bin and then repeat the journey in reverse.

Perhaps green bin urban orienteering might become the next new Olympic sport.

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

- "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

- "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

- "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

- An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

- When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign
that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

-"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

-"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot
water before you know how strong they are."

-"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

-"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

-"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

-"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

-"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

-"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are
long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

-"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

-"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

Yesterday I attended my regular group therapy session and mentioned what had happened last week about being unnecessarily critised for my haircut, the state of my skin, my shoes and how I walk in a public place (the details are here ).

The group was very sympathetic and Brian, the occupational psychologist who leads the group is so angry about the situation that he is going to have a word with my employers. There'll probably be consequences for me to face; but to be honest, even if I'm asked to leave I won't be too upset, because I'm struggling and it's hardly worth my while financially.