Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

"Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog

Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Through the centre of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

Jack or Barbara

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office. He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barbara would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said " Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barbara to show up. Barbara was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barbara I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barbara replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

Today I've received a letter from the hospital informing me that I need to go to the Montagu site at Mexborough for my pre-operation assessment on November 9th.

According to the letter, they'll take my personal details and medical history, explain the procedure I'm about to undertake and possibly give a blood sample or have an x-ray or ECG.

Looks like I'm all set to actually have the operation on my knee some time in the new year.

A Felching Session

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slippedFaggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted "Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: "It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queer's tradesman's entrance."

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".