Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: Good. What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Between milepost 498 and 500.

Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Lawyer: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Today is the first time we are scheduled to have our green bins emptied; but not the normal black ones. As I was walking into town this morning I noticed that as I passed the back alleyways about a third of the houses had put out their black bins as usual, but no-one had put out a green bin.

On returning home about thirty minutes ago, I noticed that none of the bins had been emptied (even though several were obviously already full). They did have a sticker on them though.

Most people on my street have paved over their gardens and so have no use for a green bin. I'm one of the few residents to still actually have a garden; but my green bin won't need emptying for ages - all I've put in it so far are about half a dozen dahlia deadheads.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Smoking is a dying art.

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.
(attributed to George W Bush Jr.)

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.