Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

1. Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore Inc. for the death of her dog.
After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, "just a few minutes, on low," to dry it off.
The case was dismissed.

2. A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed.
The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic.

3. A phone-sex operator in Florida won a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered repetitive-motion injuries in both hands.
The repetitive motion was the result of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking to clients.

4. 17-year-old Ricky Higgins is suing his high school after he was kicked off the basketball team for driving drunk.
He is suing for $100,000 and would like to be reinstated on the team. His lawyers claim that he is an alcoholic, and that his disability is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

5. A New York small-business owner is suing Air France after crew members broke down the bathroom door and pulled him out in front of other passengers, fully exposing him.
A smoke alarm had gone off on the plane, and they thought he was smoking. He is suing for $12 million.

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

A man was treated in hospital after he was impaled on a sword, after a 'play fight' with his brother went a bit wrong.

That the fight wouldn't end well might have been guessed by the fact that one brother had a sword, while the other only had a plunger. Thus ingoring the well known phrase, 'never bring a plunger to a sword fight.'

Perhaps unexpectedly, it seems that the plunger might actually have been the more effective weapon. Those Daleks clearly know what they're doing.

According to police reports, the boy lunged at his brother with the plunger, which promptly suctioned itself hard to his stomach.

It was as the man was trying to remove the plunger from his brother's stomach that, apparently, he managed to impale himself on the sword.

The man was taken to hospital in the brothers' hometown of Denton, Texas, where he was treated for non-life threatening injuries. It is not currently known if the plunger has yet been removed from the brother's stomach.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

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He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met. (referring to a lawyer)

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It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.

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When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.