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Male Vocabulary

by lee954 @ 31 Dec. 2006 - 16:28:42

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary:

"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."

"I need you" = "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" = "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute." = "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her" = "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" = "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you."

"I have something to tell you." = "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!"


 
 

Reading this made my eyes water.

by lee954 @ 31 Dec. 2006 - 09:53:44

Woman Charged With Malicious Castration
Dec 29 9:18 PM US/Eastern

A woman was charged with malicious castration for allegedly attacking a man during a Christmas party, police said. Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, is accused of grabbing the genitals of a 38-year-old man during a fight that erupted early Tuesday morning at a party hosted by the man's girlfriend. All three were heavily intoxicated, Lillington Police Chief Frank Powers said.
"I believe he needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage, but he is back home at this point," police Cpl. Brad Stevens said Friday. "All we can tell you is that the injury was done with her hands. There were no weapons used."

Witnesses gave conflicting stories to police, who discovered a bloody scene after being called to the home for a domestic disturbance, Powers said. Other details weren't provided.

North Carolina law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent.

Dawson, who was released from jail Wednesday on $50,000 bond, also was charged with assault causing serious bodily injury, malicious conduct by a prisoner, and damage to government property for damaging a police cruiser. She also allegedly spit on an officer, Stevens said.

The arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town about 30 miles south of Raleigh, Powers said.

More Weird Tales From Around The World

by lee954 @ 31 Dec. 2006 - 07:28:09

After 18 months on a waiting list Rene Dewane, aged 70, from Hampshire, paid £7,750 for hip replacement surgery. Within two hours of her getting home, her local hospital telephoned to offer her an NHS operation.

Sixty-four per cent of bankers in Italy confessed to experiencing sexual problems with their partners because of worries over the January 1 currency switch to the Euro.

A zoo in China is giving Viagara to its two male south China tigers, an endangered species, to promote breeding.

Emese Nagy divorced her husband in Romania because he refuses to wear underpants.

Stromness Drama Club in Orkney had to perform the Sound of Music without props after Parcel Force handed their dummy guns and Nazi uniforms over to the police.

Young women in Swaziland have been banned from having sex or shaking hands with men for five years in an attempt to curb Aids.

A mother flew from London to Glasgow to catch up with the train taking her son on a school trip. He had forgotten to pack his Gameboy.

The mother of a murder victim in Alberquerque, New Mexico, appealed to a judge to impose the maximum sentence on the convicted killer. She then died of a heart attack.

A London council is searching for a British-born sprinter who ran the 100 metres at the World Athletics Championships in under 12 seconds. She is drawing £69.75 a week incapacity benefit for a bad back.

The web site "Soccernet" contains everything you wanted to know about the game of Soccer and has a link entitled, "Scots on the road to nowhere". If you click on the link it takes you to a page which contains the legend, "This document contains no data!"

In this time of changing days and changing ways, it's amazing how companies adapt in order to maintain the profits. For example, spotted in a greetings card shop there are seasonal cards along the lines of "Happy Birthday to a wonderful stepmother" and "Congratulations Daddy on your engagement"!

Tips for making your life simpler.

by lee954 @ 30 Dec. 2006 - 19:15:16

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A long list of strange laws.

by lee954 @ 30 Dec. 2006 - 14:44:34

A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.

It is illegal to ride a streetcar on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

In the country of Turkey, in the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.

Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.

In Kentucky, by law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

In Kentucky, it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Louisana, it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

In Louisana, biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

In Massachusetts, snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

In Massachusetts, an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.

In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Florida, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

In Indiana, bathing is prohibited during the winter.

In Indiana citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines.

In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

A Helena, Montana, law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Bikini car washes (where women wash cars topless) are prohibited in most states, but the fine is only $50 per incident, so places charge an extra $50 to recoup their legal costs.

Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.

Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.

Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.

Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."

In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

In Winnipeg, it is against the law to go naked in your own home if you leave the blinds up.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.

Impotence is grounds for divorce in twenty-four states in the United States.

In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.

In Alaska it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying vehicle.

In ancient times, any Japanese who tried to leave his homeland was summarily put to death. In the 1630s, a decree in Japan forbade the building of any large ocean-worthy ships to deter defection.

In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it with pennies.

In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium.

In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.

In Milan, Italy there is a law on the books that requires a smile on the face of all citizens at all times. Exemptions include time spent visiting patients in hospitals or attending funerals. Otherwise the fine is $100 if they are seen in public without a smile on their face.

In most American states a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.

In Pakistan, it is rude to show the soles of your feet or point a foot when you are sitting on the floor.

In Paraguay, dueling is legal provided both parties are registered blood donors.

In Pennsylvania, ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

In San Salvador drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

In seventeenth-century Japan, no citizen was allowed to leave the country on penalty of death. Anyone caught coming or going without permission was executed on the spot.

In Somalia, Africa, it's been decreed illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose.

In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.

In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Omaha, Nebraska, if a child burps during a church service his/her parents may be arrested.

In Montana, it is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

In Gary, Indiana, it is illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.

In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas.

In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.

In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts.

In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

In Sarasota, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts.

In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and jailed.

In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.

Hornytown, North Carolina has banned all massage parlors.

In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

In Connecticut you are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place.

Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law.

In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day.

An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate."

In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.

A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds.

In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.

An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.

In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.

If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting.

A law passed in the '50s by officials of Avignon, France, made it illegal for any flying saucer to land in the city.

A federal law makes it illegal to "utter" a false or counterfeit money order.

Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors.

An old federal law made it illegal to import tiny sponges, smaller than four inches in diameter.

Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court.

The federal Employee Retirement Income Security Act defines an employee as "any individual employed by an employer."

Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."

Redford Township, Mi., has a "Downspout Appeal Board."

An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.

North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."

Under a recent change in federal law, garment workers can now make mittens at home.

A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death.

Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime.

It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit.

A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.

Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells.

In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine.

To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint.

In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.

In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law.

In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night.

A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.

If you've got a gal in Kalamazoo, better whisper sweet nothings to her. An old law forbade swains from serenading their sweeties from outside the window.

It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m.

In New York it's unlawful for any person to do any thing that is against the law. Lest there be any confusion.

New York drivers are known to be crazy, but so are pedestrians in the Empire State. The law may be part of the problem. Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.

A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.

In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.

Under an 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do.

In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.

In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.

In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street.

San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."

San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.

Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax.

In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers.

In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street.

New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days.

In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands.

Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500.

In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers.

"Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.

In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum."

Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.

In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises."

Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.

In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.

In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.

Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds.

Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.

Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.

In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town.

The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway."

In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the naked person" during daylight or twilight, even if all you're doing is taking a bath.

By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."

Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75.

The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.

As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit.

In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.

Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future."

In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar.

Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.

Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.

It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa.

In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine.

An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid.

By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else.

It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, "Oh boy."

Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."

In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.

A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.

In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon.

A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books.

Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."

Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.

In a case of wishful thinking, a Delaware legislator recently proposed a law that would require every minor to inform his or her parents before engaging in sexual intercourse.

It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.

In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls.

In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.

A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles."

In Mesquite, Texas, it's still against regulations for youngsters to have haircuts that are "startling or unusual."

In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate.

Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers.

Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.

In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law.

If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry.

Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.

In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.

An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.

In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.

A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled.

In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home.

In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission.

In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window.

In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."

In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow.

Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates.

Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values.

In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. The resident had to fix it if he broke it.

In Hawaii it's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.

In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.

Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts.

In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.

In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races.

Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

Under Delaware law, any person of good moral character may keep and operate a bowling alley. No gambling, however, is allowed.

Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet.

In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas.

It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.

Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."

The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling.

San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.

Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling.

In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state.

In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year.

In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.

In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.

In Indiana a sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks.

In Idaho, it's illegal to hunt from the back of an animal.

In Iowa, it is illegal to hunt from an aircraft.

It's against the law in Fairbanks, Alaska to give a moose a beer.

The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.

In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table.

It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.

An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel.

The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home."

A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent."

Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.

A minister in Pennsylvania is not supposed to perform a marriage ceremony if either the bride or the groom is drunk.

In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today.

If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise.

It used to be a $200 fine in Vermont to deny the "existence or being of God."

It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school.

A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."

It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.

Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services.

It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."

In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race.

If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.

It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded.

It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force.

That the folks in Louisiana take their food seriously is beyond question. It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.

If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.

It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.

It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed.

As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties.

Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops.

It used to be against the law to go to the theater in Gary, Ind., after eating garlic.

An old law in Waterloo, Neb., discouraged barbers from eating onions on the job.

You may deserve a break today, but you won't get it in Bloomfield, Conn., if you can't wait to get home from your local fast food emporium: It's against the law to eat in your car.

It's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, KY.

Tomatoes are actually a fruit, but legally speaking, they're a vegetable. Ruling in an 1893 tariff case, the U.S. Supreme Court said that because tomatoes are normally eaten during a meal and not afterward, they are legally vegetables.

One of the early Occupational Safety and Health Act laws in effect prohibited the use of ice in drinking water. It's been repealed.

The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.

In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license.

Many states have had whacky liquor regulations. In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles.

Also, saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.

Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens.

Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.

New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas.

The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.

It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.

You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.

In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest.

In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.

An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.

Vietnam veterans may remember that a Vietnamese lawmaker proposed the country should ban the practice of women wearing "falsies."

A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use A, women in their '30s B, and so on.

A Maryland law outlaws "female sitters, also known as shills," women paid by owners to sit in their bars and encourage male patrons to buy drinks.

In Missouri, male legislators once introduced a resolution urging their female colleagues to strap snub-nosed, 38-caliber revolvers to their ankles.

In Hawaii a husband or wife who deserted a spouse and failed to reconcile could be given a month of hard labor. Second offense was a year of hard labor.

My Personal Review of 2006

by lee954 @ 30 Dec. 2006 - 10:28:19

Well, it's actually been quite a good year for me.

Here are the highlights:

I finally got a job. Well, it's really more of a training scheme; but at least I do get paid. It's only a six month contract though that's due to finish in March, with the possibility of a three month extension.

I started to get close to two women. I'm still seeing V..... We meet up weekly at a pub in town; I don't know where things are leading, and to be honest I don't really know what I want.

I went to see the doctor and he made arrangements for me to have an operation on my knee to rectify the problems I'm having with my cartilage...I'm due to have the operation on January 15th.

A Tale of two Cities

by lee954 @ 30 Dec. 2006 - 07:35:51

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed 13,000 kilometres away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site.

Dressed for the Australian summer in t-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.

Instead of arriving "down under", Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States."

Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realise his mistake.

The hapless tourist, who had only a thin jacket to keep out the winter cold, spent three days in Billings airport before he was able to buy a new ticket to Australia with 600 euros in cash that his parents and friends sent over from Germany.

"I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters.

Yet more quotes about England and the English

by lee954 @ 29 Dec. 2006 - 20:12:40

William Pitt (1805)

"England has saved herself by her exertions, and will, as I trust, save Europe by her example."

George Mikes - Hungarian born Anglophile

"The world still consists of two clearly divided groups; the English and the foreigners. One group consists of less than 50 million people; the other of 3,950 million people. The latter group does not really count."

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher & poet

"The Englishman who visits Mount Etna will carry his tea-kettle to the top."

Indian Saying

"A demon took a monkey for a wife – the result, by the grace of God, was the English."

Heinrich von Treitschke

"The English think soap is civilization".

James Agate

"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it".

Sydney Smith (1771-1845)

"What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion."

Short anecdote about John Paul Getty

by lee954 @ 29 Dec. 2006 - 16:52:46

A magazine once sent J. Paul Getty a cheque for £200 and a request for a short article explaining his success. "Some people find oil," Getty wrote. "Others don't."

Some interesting facts about sex that I've found.

by lee954 @ 29 Dec. 2006 - 10:46:37

Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
When swans go on a date, they'll put their heads together. Then they stick together for life.
The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."
An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom!
Sex burns 360 calories per hour
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.

Unusual Address

by lee954 @ 29 Dec. 2006 - 07:43:40

This report particularly interested me because Conisbrough is only five miles away from Doncaster.

A British couple decided to abandon their home because of the embarrassing name of the street they live on -- Butt Hole Road.

After living there for slightly over a year, the Allott family sold their $250,000 bungalow in Conisbrough, fed up with the never-ending jokes at their expense. "I like a laugh, but it was beyond a joke," Allott told the Sun newspaper.

Taxis and pizza delivery men refused to respond to their calls, thinking their order was just a prank. And Allott's grew tired of teenagers posing with their pants down, to moon their friends' cameras next to the street sign.

Not the best job in the world.

by lee954 @ 28 Dec. 2006 - 19:00:56

Man dives into liquid faeces of 18 million people for 400 dollars a month
2006/12/20

Julio Cesar Cu wanted to be an oceanographer but instead he swims through foul-smelling sewage in underground tunnels where the occasional dead body bobs beside excrement and car parts.

Paid just $400 a month to de-clog the miles of sewage tunnels running beneath the Mexican capital, diver Cu comes across the nastiest of flotsam.

"The oddest have been dead animals, animal heads, dead people," he said. "Unfortunately a lot of bodies end up here."

Cu's job is to prevent blockages in tunnels of up to 20-feet (6-meter) wide that could cause sewage to flood onto city streets. "Once, we fished out car parts which I think would have fit together to make a whole car," he said.

It is so dark down amid the cold liquid waste of some 18 million inhabitants that Cu and his three fellow divers cannot see and have to feel their way along the tunnel walls.

Dressed in a thick red wetsuit, Cu pulls debris out with his hands or unblocks tunnels with a stick.

The divers receive air through a tube connected to the surface and are attached to a safety harness to stop them being swept away, as happened to one colleague 21 years ago who died in a torrent of filthy water while clearing a blockage.

One of 10 brothers from a poor family, Cu did not have enough money to finance studies to become an oceanographer. He began diving at 18 and soon became a scuba instructor.

He later took a job clearing debris out of the aging Mexico City sewers, and has been immersed in the brown stuff ever since.

"I like diving as a sport. As a job I like it even more," he said. "I do a job that benefits a lot of people."

He and his team inspect the deepest 103-mile (166-km) section of the sewers, through which 9,200 gallons (35,000 liters) of liquid pour ever second, Reuters reports.

Some of the city's sewers are open, allowing debris to fall in, or be dumped.

At the end of each shift, the divers scrub their wetsuits with detergent, removing the stink of urine and rotten waste.

Unprofessional Behaviour

by lee954 @ 28 Dec. 2006 - 17:54:27

I was travelling on the bus to Thurnscoe to visit my parents and there was a ticket collector on the vehicle. When we reached Goldthorpe (only about a mile short of Thurnscoe) the inspector got off and had a smoke; in the meantime the bus remained stationary at the bus stop with the engine running and causing quite a bit of discomfort to the passengers because of the vibration. This situation continued for about three minutes, I suppose.

This type of behaviour is no way to run a bus company though, is it?

More comments about England and the English

by lee954 @ 28 Dec. 2006 - 07:52:36

Margaret Halsey - American writer

"The English never smash in a face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner".

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"We shall go on till the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island what ever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches and we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We will never surrender".

(Extract from speech delivered on 13th May 1940)

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"the Battle of Britain is about to begin... Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth should last a thousand years, men will still say: This was their finest hour".

(Extract from speech delivered on 18th June 1940)

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) - Irish playwright

"There is nothing so bad or so good that you will not find Englishmen doing it; but you will never find an Englishman in the wrong. He does everything on principle. He fights you on patriotic principles; he robs you on business principles; he enslaves you on imperial principles; he bullies you on manly principles; he supports his King on loyal principles and cuts off his King's head on republican principles".

Lord Byron (1788-1824) - English poet

"The English winter - ending in July, to recommence in August".

Ernest Dupuy - American historian

"The initiation of a series of events which would lead a revitalized Anglo-Saxon-Norman people to a world leadership more extensive than that of ancient Rome".

(Regarding the Battle of Hastings)

D. H. Lawrence

"I don't like England very much, but the English do seem a rather lovable people. They have such a great gentleness".

George Orwell (1903-1950) - English author

"The gentleness of the English civilisation is perhaps its most marked characteristic. You notice it the moment you set foot on English soil. It is a land where conductors are good tempered and policemen carry no revolvers. In no country inhabited by white men is it easier to shove people off the pavement".

Gilbert K Chesterton (1874-1936) - English novelist and poet

"But we are the people of England; and we have not spoken yet. Smile at us, pay us, pass us by. But never forget".

Samuel Johnson

"He that wishes to see his country robbed of its rights can not be a patriot".

More strange tales

by lee954 @ 27 Dec. 2006 - 22:03:03

A driver died in northern India when he asked passengers to give his bus a hefty shove after it stalled. They pushed it into a ravine.

A bridegroom's testicle was bitten off in a brawl with a woman at a party, but the man was so drunk he didn't notice. A ploiceman called to the fight said: "You won't believe what I've just found on the carpet. If that's what I think it is he's in trouble."

A man who had been buried in a shallow grave in Khazakhstan after apparently dying while trying to steal live power cables regained consciousness after 48 hours and walked back to his village to find his friends and family at his funeral feast.

An Indian who has not cut his left-hand fingernails for 45 years is auctioning them and hope to raise £16,000. They are 19.7 feet long.

A woman from Auckland, New Zealand, who became blind after a brain tumour has regained her sight by banging her head. She struck it on a table as she bent down to say goodnight to her guide dog.

A psychic who tried to prove her gift by driving a car blindfold in Perth, Australia, hit a lamppost and died.

A bar of cranberry-flavoured white chocolate marketed with the slogan 'Stuff Christmas' has been condemned by Church of England officials as "a real turkey".

Doctors in Lebanon operated on a man to remove 39 knives, forks, spoons and lighters which he had swallowed over a year.

The surfaces of 22 of the 28 wash basins in the German parliament building in Berlin were found to have traces of cocaine.

An American tourist dining in a restaurant in Co. Cork, Ireland, paid £540 for all of the 40 live lobsters in a tank waiting to be cooked and released them into the sea.

The Olympic Games organisers have had to rush through an order for an extra 20,000 condoms after 30,000 of the 50,000 available free in the Olympic Village were taken by competitiors

A former MP in Cairo has been arrested as he tried to buy 2,000 ballot papers so he could fill in his own name.

One in 10 women using the internet at work has made love to a man they first met online

A Thai farmer has decided to beat rising labour costs by training monkeys to pick his fruit.
Tawee Phanthachange, a former army sargeant, has bought 20 macaques at £35 each to harvest his coconuts, tamarinds and mangoes.

A prostitute in Denmark was allowed to reclaim thecost of her breast implants - about £2100 - as a tax allowance. The surgery was deemed to constitute a legitimate business improvement.

A drive-through strip club has opened in Pennsylvania for commuters on their way home.

Patrick Lawrence was arrested for attempting to make love to a pumpkin. Asked by police why he was molesting a pumpkin he replied: "Pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

When the Swaziland Stock Exchange opened last week, no shares were traded for the first two days

A policeman knocked himself out while searching a clothes shop in the Wirral, Merseyside. He rugby-tackled what he thought was an intruder and hit a long mirror head-first.

A street in Palermo, Italy, was closed after obese mice started raining down and hitting tourists. An elderly woman who lived in a top flat had been feeding them and many had lost their ability to scale drainpipes.

A plumber shot dead his friend after accusing him of cheating at petanque in the village of Vif, in the French Alps. The local policeman said "We take petanque very seriously, but to kill a man is not sporting."

Taliban police in Afghanistan arrested a Pakistani football team for wearing shorts in a match. They were punished by having their heads shaved.

A man crossing from Ukraine into Slovakia with someone else's passport was arrested when one of the artificial ears that he had glued on dropped off.

After complaining of discrimination, a one-armed woodchopper in Brisbane was allowed to compete in an axe-wielding competition.

A renowned hunter who earned his fame by expertly imitating wolf cries to lure other wolves for hunting was shot dead in Greece by fellow hunters who mistook him for the real thing

A social worker attached to several offices in the south of France was sacked after it was discovered that he had not done any work for years. Every morning he would tell each office that he was working in one of the others.

The arrest of a grocer accused of flirting with a judge's wife started riots in the Iranian town of Qir. The local paper said that the man was cross-eyed, which gave the false impression that he was leering.

I'm No Computer Geek

by lee954 @ 27 Dec. 2006 - 20:49:42

I'm no Computer Geek
by Dr. Mike Bass

It's me, the man you know will make
A big computerized mistake!
I make one several times a week,
Because I'm no computer geek.

My laptop lives to make a fool
Of me, who missed computer school.
Its goblins and its evil ghosts
Sent several extra e-mail posts.

I have done worse than extra mail,
I sent some nude San Quentin quail
In pictures to my old Aunt Ruth
While trying to map downtown Duluth!

I start a cart at Buy-A-Pet -
A pop-up says I won Tibet!
I fill a form to get my prize,
But "Timed Out" pops before my eyes.

The dog I thought would be for me
Is playing Lassie on TV.
I reach to pet the dog at home -
The keyboard buys a trip to Rome.

I click some choice I didn't see,
And get "Dee Dora, Enter me."
I try to ditch this dude enslaver,
And she becomes my new screen saver!

A scanner starts out on the blink.
A printer only works with pink.
The screen will freeze; I'll tap to scroll.
It starts, but rolls out of control.

My tech support's in some casino
While the Trekkies meet in Reno.
Or so it seems when I'm on hold,
Until I'm cut off, quick and cold.

They say to treat your PC well,
But, after damning it to Hell,
Is there a time in your recall
You banged the thing against a wall,

And stomped it 'til you plainly see
The guts of all that treachery?
Then did you hurl it to the sky?
Well, that's amazing! So did I!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ten strangest Products Of 2006

by lee954 @ 27 Dec. 2006 - 10:59:49

>> 1. Gupi, The Robot Guinea Pig: The Guinea Pig promises to be the ultimate pet. Small and furry, Gupi is festooned with all sorts of electronic wizardry to make him a truly interactive virtual pet. He has sensors in his eyes, so he can shuffle about the house without bumping into things, and in his legs, so he won't go and fall off steps or the table -- and he's so smart he can even find his way in and out of a maze! If you mistreat or ignore him, he hides and if you pet him, he frolics. It also has a 'magic carrot' and makes 30 different sounds.

>> 2. The BeerBelly: BeerBelly is a false frontage that is particularly useful if you like a drink on the go. Just strap on your BeerBelly and you can drink what you want, when and where you want to. It's made up of an insulated neoprene 'sling' and a polyurethane 'bladder' with a tube for dispensing.

>> 3. Solar-powered Insect Theatre: The Solar Insect Theatre is a neat little insect habitat. During the day, its solar-charged batteries get their charge, by night it uses the power to light up in a fashion appealing to moths and butterflies. This eco-gadget isn't that silly, actually. It stores power in the day, then lights up at night to attract moths and butterflies for you to watch.

>> 4. LumiGram Fiber Optic Clothing: This is an integration of fibre optics into fabrics to create a whole catalogue of wearable goods from handbags to hair. It's hyped as a new advancement in fashion. Others called it party clothing for a shimmery effect.

>> 5. Froot Loop Cereal Bowl Light: The Cereal Bowl Light is one of the odder and more entertaining uses of sensor tech. Put in the spoon and it lights up, no fooling. The perfect gift for the lovely nitwit in your life. And, mind you, they are made with real fruit loops.

>> 6. USB Pole Dancer: Tory MP Anne Widdecombe called it 'cheap and tawdry' and 'demeaning to women'. But for the man who likes his desk to have a classy vibe, this piece can be a good choice. She's an eight-inch bikini-clad blonde, who dances on a lit-up podium.

>> 7. Geek-a-cycle: This is where exercise met Internet browsing. It's a reclining exercise bike hooked up to a computer desk, ensuring that you can spend four hours a night updating your MySpace page and have calves of steel.

>> 8. Fatman Referee Suit: It's one of the funniest football gadgets ever seen. This fat referee suit inflates in minutes and comes complete with a belt clip and fan!

>> 9. Crazy Frog Karaoke Mic: Somewhere in a company boardroom, someone actually had the idea of teaching the kids to sing Crazy Frog songs better. The karaoke mic from Nikko Toys is actually designed to make youngsters learn and perform a number of the Crazy Frog's 'hits' and to make things worse, it's portable.

>> 10. Spray-on Condom: This specially-adapted aerosol can will provide you with a condom in a choice of strengths and colours in just five seconds – and one tailor-made for you. And, to boot, it's actually hitting the stalls in 2008.