Posts archive for: December, 2006
  • Male Vocabulary

    Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary:

    "Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice ass."

    "I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."

    "I need you" = "My hand is tired."

    "I am different from all the other guys" = "I am not circumcised."

    "I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masturbation."

    "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

    "I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it."

    "It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

    "She's kinda cute." = "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

    "I don't know if I like her" = "She won't sleep with me."

    "I miss you so much" = "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

    "Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

    "Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

    "How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you."

    "I have something to tell you." = "Get tested."

    "I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

    "I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

    "I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly."

    "I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!"

  • Reading this made my eyes water.

    Woman Charged With Malicious Castration
    Dec 29 9:18 PM US/Eastern

    A woman was charged with malicious castration for allegedly attacking a man during a Christmas party, police said. Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, is accused of grabbing the genitals of a 38-year-old man during a fight that erupted early Tuesday morning at a party hosted by the man's girlfriend. All three were heavily intoxicated, Lillington Police Chief Frank Powers said.
    "I believe he needed more than 50 stitches to repair the damage, but he is back home at this point," police Cpl. Brad Stevens said Friday. "All we can tell you is that the injury was done with her hands. There were no weapons used."

    Witnesses gave conflicting stories to police, who discovered a bloody scene after being called to the home for a domestic disturbance, Powers said. Other details weren't provided.

    North Carolina law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent.

    Dawson, who was released from jail Wednesday on $50,000 bond, also was charged with assault causing serious bodily injury, malicious conduct by a prisoner, and damage to government property for damaging a police cruiser. She also allegedly spit on an officer, Stevens said.

    The arrest was the first of its kind in Lillington, a town about 30 miles south of Raleigh, Powers said.

  • More Weird Tales From Around The World

    After 18 months on a waiting list Rene Dewane, aged 70, from Hampshire, paid £7,750 for hip replacement surgery. Within two hours of her getting home, her local hospital telephoned to offer her an NHS operation.

    Sixty-four per cent of bankers in Italy confessed to experiencing sexual problems with their partners because of worries over the January 1 currency switch to the Euro.

    A zoo in China is giving Viagara to its two male south China tigers, an endangered species, to promote breeding.

    Emese Nagy divorced her husband in Romania because he refuses to wear underpants.

    Stromness Drama Club in Orkney had to perform the Sound of Music without props after Parcel Force handed their dummy guns and Nazi uniforms over to the police.

    Young women in Swaziland have been banned from having sex or shaking hands with men for five years in an attempt to curb Aids.

    A mother flew from London to Glasgow to catch up with the train taking her son on a school trip. He had forgotten to pack his Gameboy.

    The mother of a murder victim in Alberquerque, New Mexico, appealed to a judge to impose the maximum sentence on the convicted killer. She then died of a heart attack.

    A London council is searching for a British-born sprinter who ran the 100 metres at the World Athletics Championships in under 12 seconds. She is drawing £69.75 a week incapacity benefit for a bad back.

    The web site "Soccernet" contains everything you wanted to know about the game of Soccer and has a link entitled, "Scots on the road to nowhere". If you click on the link it takes you to a page which contains the legend, "This document contains no data!"

    In this time of changing days and changing ways, it's amazing how companies adapt in order to maintain the profits. For example, spotted in a greetings card shop there are seasonal cards along the lines of "Happy Birthday to a wonderful stepmother" and "Congratulations Daddy on your engagement"!

  • Tips for making your life simpler.

    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

    Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

    If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

    Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

  • A long list of strange laws.

    A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

    A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.

    It is illegal to ride a streetcar on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

    In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

    It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

    In the country of Turkey, in the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

    Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year.

    In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.

    Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.

    In Kentucky, by law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

    In Kentucky, it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

    In Louisana, it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

    In Louisana, biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

    In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

    In Massachusetts, snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

    In Massachusetts, an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

    In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

    In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.

    In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

    In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

    In Florida, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

    In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

    In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

    In Indiana, bathing is prohibited during the winter.

    In Indiana citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

    In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

    During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

    Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

    Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

    In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

    A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines.

    In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

    A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

    If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

    In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

    A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

    A Helena, Montana, law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

    Bikini car washes (where women wash cars topless) are prohibited in most states, but the fine is only $50 per incident, so places charge an extra $50 to recoup their legal costs.

    Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

    In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

    In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

    Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

    North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.

    Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.

    Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

    Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.

    Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."

    In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.

    An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

    In Winnipeg, it is against the law to go naked in your own home if you leave the blinds up.

    Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

    The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

    During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

    Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

    Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

    Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.

    Impotence is grounds for divorce in twenty-four states in the United States.

    In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.

    In Alaska it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying vehicle.

    In ancient times, any Japanese who tried to leave his homeland was summarily put to death. In the 1630s, a decree in Japan forbade the building of any large ocean-worthy ships to deter defection.

    In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

    In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it with pennies.

    In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium.

    In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.

    In Milan, Italy there is a law on the books that requires a smile on the face of all citizens at all times. Exemptions include time spent visiting patients in hospitals or attending funerals. Otherwise the fine is $100 if they are seen in public without a smile on their face.

    In most American states a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

    In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.

    In Pakistan, it is rude to show the soles of your feet or point a foot when you are sitting on the floor.

    In Paraguay, dueling is legal provided both parties are registered blood donors.

    In Pennsylvania, ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

    In San Salvador drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

    In seventeenth-century Japan, no citizen was allowed to leave the country on penalty of death. Anyone caught coming or going without permission was executed on the spot.

    In Somalia, Africa, it's been decreed illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose.

    In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.

    In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

    In Omaha, Nebraska, if a child burps during a church service his/her parents may be arrested.

    In Montana, it is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

    In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

    In Gary, Indiana, it is illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.

    In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

    In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

    In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas.

    In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.

    In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts.

    In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

    In Sarasota, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

    In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

    In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

    In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

    In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts.

    In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and jailed.

    In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

    In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.

    Hornytown, North Carolina has banned all massage parlors.

    In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

    In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

    In Connecticut you are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

    In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

    Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place.

    Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law.

    In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day.

    An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate."

    In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.

    A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds.

    In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.

    An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.

    In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.

    If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting.

    A law passed in the '50s by officials of Avignon, France, made it illegal for any flying saucer to land in the city.

    A federal law makes it illegal to "utter" a false or counterfeit money order.

    Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors.

    An old federal law made it illegal to import tiny sponges, smaller than four inches in diameter.

    Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court.

    The federal Employee Retirement Income Security Act defines an employee as "any individual employed by an employer."

    Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."

    Redford Township, Mi., has a "Downspout Appeal Board."

    An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.

    North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."

    Under a recent change in federal law, garment workers can now make mittens at home.

    A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death.

    Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime.

    It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit.

    A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.

    Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells.

    In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine.

    To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint.

    In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.

    In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law.

    In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night.

    A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.

    If you've got a gal in Kalamazoo, better whisper sweet nothings to her. An old law forbade swains from serenading their sweeties from outside the window.

    It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m.

    In New York it's unlawful for any person to do any thing that is against the law. Lest there be any confusion.

    New York drivers are known to be crazy, but so are pedestrians in the Empire State. The law may be part of the problem. Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.

    A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.

    In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.

    Under an 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do.

    In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.

    In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.

    In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street.

    San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."

    San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.

    Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax.

    In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers.

    In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street.

    New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days.

    In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands.

    Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500.

    In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers.

    "Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.

    In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum."

    Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.

    In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises."

    Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.

    In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.

    In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.

    Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds.

    Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.

    Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.

    In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town.

    The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway."

    In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the naked person" during daylight or twilight, even if all you're doing is taking a bath.

    By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."

    Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75.

    The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.

    As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit.

    In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.

    Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future."

    In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar.

    Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.

    Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.

    It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa.

    In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine.

    An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid.

    By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else.

    It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, "Oh boy."

    Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."

    In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.

    A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.

    In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon.

    A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books.

    Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."

    Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.

    In a case of wishful thinking, a Delaware legislator recently proposed a law that would require every minor to inform his or her parents before engaging in sexual intercourse.

    It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.

    In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls.

    In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.

    A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles."

    In Mesquite, Texas, it's still against regulations for youngsters to have haircuts that are "startling or unusual."

    In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate.

    Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers.

    Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.

    In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law.

    If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry.

    Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.

    In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.

    An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.

    In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.

    A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled.

    In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home.

    In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission.

    In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window.

    In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."

    In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow.

    Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates.

    Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values.

    In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. The resident had to fix it if he broke it.

    In Hawaii it's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.

    In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.

    Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts.

    In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.

    In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races.

    Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

    Under Delaware law, any person of good moral character may keep and operate a bowling alley. No gambling, however, is allowed.

    Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet.

    In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas.

    It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.

    Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."

    The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling.

    San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.

    Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling.

    In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state.

    In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year.

    In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.

    In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.

    In Indiana a sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks.

    In Idaho, it's illegal to hunt from the back of an animal.

    In Iowa, it is illegal to hunt from an aircraft.

    It's against the law in Fairbanks, Alaska to give a moose a beer.

    The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.

    In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table.

    It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.

    An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel.

    The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home."

    A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent."

    Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.

    A minister in Pennsylvania is not supposed to perform a marriage ceremony if either the bride or the groom is drunk.

    In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today.

    If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise.

    It used to be a $200 fine in Vermont to deny the "existence or being of God."

    It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school.

    A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."

    It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.

    Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services.

    It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."

    In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race.

    If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.

    It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded.

    It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force.

    That the folks in Louisiana take their food seriously is beyond question. It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.

    If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.

    It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.

    It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed.

    As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties.

    Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops.

    It used to be against the law to go to the theater in Gary, Ind., after eating garlic.

    An old law in Waterloo, Neb., discouraged barbers from eating onions on the job.

    You may deserve a break today, but you won't get it in Bloomfield, Conn., if you can't wait to get home from your local fast food emporium: It's against the law to eat in your car.

    It's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, KY.

    Tomatoes are actually a fruit, but legally speaking, they're a vegetable. Ruling in an 1893 tariff case, the U.S. Supreme Court said that because tomatoes are normally eaten during a meal and not afterward, they are legally vegetables.

    One of the early Occupational Safety and Health Act laws in effect prohibited the use of ice in drinking water. It's been repealed.

    The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.

    In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license.

    Many states have had whacky liquor regulations. In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles.

    Also, saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

    California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.

    Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens.

    Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

    In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.

    New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas.

    The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.

    It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.

    You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.

    In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest.

    In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.

    An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.

    Vietnam veterans may remember that a Vietnamese lawmaker proposed the country should ban the practice of women wearing "falsies."

    A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use A, women in their '30s B, and so on.

    A Maryland law outlaws "female sitters, also known as shills," women paid by owners to sit in their bars and encourage male patrons to buy drinks.

    In Missouri, male legislators once introduced a resolution urging their female colleagues to strap snub-nosed, 38-caliber revolvers to their ankles.

    In Hawaii a husband or wife who deserted a spouse and failed to reconcile could be given a month of hard labor. Second offense was a year of hard labor.

  • My Personal Review of 2006

    Well, it's actually been quite a good year for me.

    Here are the highlights:

    I finally got a job. Well, it's really more of a training scheme; but at least I do get paid. It's only a six month contract though that's due to finish in March, with the possibility of a three month extension.

    I started to get close to two women. I'm still seeing V..... We meet up weekly at a pub in town; I don't know where things are leading, and to be honest I don't really know what I want.

    I went to see the doctor and he made arrangements for me to have an operation on my knee to rectify the problems I'm having with my cartilage...I'm due to have the operation on January 15th.

  • A Tale of two Cities

    BERLIN (Reuters) - A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed 13,000 kilometres away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site.

    Dressed for the Australian summer in t-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.

    Instead of arriving "down under", Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

    "I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States."

    Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realise his mistake.

    The hapless tourist, who had only a thin jacket to keep out the winter cold, spent three days in Billings airport before he was able to buy a new ticket to Australia with 600 euros in cash that his parents and friends sent over from Germany.

    "I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters.

  • Yet more quotes about England and the English

    William Pitt (1805)

    "England has saved herself by her exertions, and will, as I trust, save Europe by her example."

    George Mikes - Hungarian born Anglophile

    "The world still consists of two clearly divided groups; the English and the foreigners. One group consists of less than 50 million people; the other of 3,950 million people. The latter group does not really count."

    Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher & poet

    "The Englishman who visits Mount Etna will carry his tea-kettle to the top."

    Indian Saying

    "A demon took a monkey for a wife – the result, by the grace of God, was the English."

    Heinrich von Treitschke

    "The English think soap is civilization".

    James Agate

    "The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it".

    Sydney Smith (1771-1845)

    "What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion."

  • Short anecdote about John Paul Getty

    A magazine once sent J. Paul Getty a cheque for £200 and a request for a short article explaining his success. "Some people find oil," Getty wrote. "Others don't."

  • Some interesting facts about sex that I've found.

    Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day.
    22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so.
    Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!
    For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
    Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
    A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
    Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
    The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
    "Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
    "Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
    When swans go on a date, they'll put their heads together. Then they stick together for life.
    The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."
    An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.
    In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom!
    Sex burns 360 calories per hour
    Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
    The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.

  • Unusual Address

    This report particularly interested me because Conisbrough is only five miles away from Doncaster.

    A British couple decided to abandon their home because of the embarrassing name of the street they live on -- Butt Hole Road.

    After living there for slightly over a year, the Allott family sold their $250,000 bungalow in Conisbrough, fed up with the never-ending jokes at their expense. "I like a laugh, but it was beyond a joke," Allott told the Sun newspaper.

    Taxis and pizza delivery men refused to respond to their calls, thinking their order was just a prank. And Allott's grew tired of teenagers posing with their pants down, to moon their friends' cameras next to the street sign.

  • Not the best job in the world.

    Man dives into liquid faeces of 18 million people for 400 dollars a month
    2006/12/20

    Julio Cesar Cu wanted to be an oceanographer but instead he swims through foul-smelling sewage in underground tunnels where the occasional dead body bobs beside excrement and car parts.

    Paid just $400 a month to de-clog the miles of sewage tunnels running beneath the Mexican capital, diver Cu comes across the nastiest of flotsam.

    "The oddest have been dead animals, animal heads, dead people," he said. "Unfortunately a lot of bodies end up here."

    Cu's job is to prevent blockages in tunnels of up to 20-feet (6-meter) wide that could cause sewage to flood onto city streets. "Once, we fished out car parts which I think would have fit together to make a whole car," he said.

    It is so dark down amid the cold liquid waste of some 18 million inhabitants that Cu and his three fellow divers cannot see and have to feel their way along the tunnel walls.

    Dressed in a thick red wetsuit, Cu pulls debris out with his hands or unblocks tunnels with a stick.

    The divers receive air through a tube connected to the surface and are attached to a safety harness to stop them being swept away, as happened to one colleague 21 years ago who died in a torrent of filthy water while clearing a blockage.

    One of 10 brothers from a poor family, Cu did not have enough money to finance studies to become an oceanographer. He began diving at 18 and soon became a scuba instructor.

    He later took a job clearing debris out of the aging Mexico City sewers, and has been immersed in the brown stuff ever since.

    "I like diving as a sport. As a job I like it even more," he said. "I do a job that benefits a lot of people."

    He and his team inspect the deepest 103-mile (166-km) section of the sewers, through which 9,200 gallons (35,000 liters) of liquid pour ever second, Reuters reports.

    Some of the city's sewers are open, allowing debris to fall in, or be dumped.

    At the end of each shift, the divers scrub their wetsuits with detergent, removing the stink of urine and rotten waste.

  • Unprofessional Behaviour

    I was travelling on the bus to Thurnscoe to visit my parents and there was a ticket collector on the vehicle. When we reached Goldthorpe (only about a mile short of Thurnscoe) the inspector got off and had a smoke; in the meantime the bus remained stationary at the bus stop with the engine running and causing quite a bit of discomfort to the passengers because of the vibration. This situation continued for about three minutes, I suppose.

    This type of behaviour is no way to run a bus company though, is it?

  • More comments about England and the English

    Margaret Halsey - American writer

    "The English never smash in a face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner".

    Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "We shall go on till the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island what ever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches and we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We will never surrender".

    (Extract from speech delivered on 13th May 1940)

    Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "the Battle of Britain is about to begin... Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth should last a thousand years, men will still say: This was their finest hour".

    (Extract from speech delivered on 18th June 1940)

    George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) - Irish playwright

    "There is nothing so bad or so good that you will not find Englishmen doing it; but you will never find an Englishman in the wrong. He does everything on principle. He fights you on patriotic principles; he robs you on business principles; he enslaves you on imperial principles; he bullies you on manly principles; he supports his King on loyal principles and cuts off his King's head on republican principles".

    Lord Byron (1788-1824) - English poet

    "The English winter - ending in July, to recommence in August".

    Ernest Dupuy - American historian

    "The initiation of a series of events which would lead a revitalized Anglo-Saxon-Norman people to a world leadership more extensive than that of ancient Rome".

    (Regarding the Battle of Hastings)

    D. H. Lawrence

    "I don't like England very much, but the English do seem a rather lovable people. They have such a great gentleness".

    George Orwell (1903-1950) - English author

    "The gentleness of the English civilisation is perhaps its most marked characteristic. You notice it the moment you set foot on English soil. It is a land where conductors are good tempered and policemen carry no revolvers. In no country inhabited by white men is it easier to shove people off the pavement".

    Gilbert K Chesterton (1874-1936) - English novelist and poet

    "But we are the people of England; and we have not spoken yet. Smile at us, pay us, pass us by. But never forget".

    Samuel Johnson

    "He that wishes to see his country robbed of its rights can not be a patriot".

  • More strange tales

    A driver died in northern India when he asked passengers to give his bus a hefty shove after it stalled. They pushed it into a ravine.

    A bridegroom's testicle was bitten off in a brawl with a woman at a party, but the man was so drunk he didn't notice. A ploiceman called to the fight said: "You won't believe what I've just found on the carpet. If that's what I think it is he's in trouble."

    A man who had been buried in a shallow grave in Khazakhstan after apparently dying while trying to steal live power cables regained consciousness after 48 hours and walked back to his village to find his friends and family at his funeral feast.

    An Indian who has not cut his left-hand fingernails for 45 years is auctioning them and hope to raise £16,000. They are 19.7 feet long.

    A woman from Auckland, New Zealand, who became blind after a brain tumour has regained her sight by banging her head. She struck it on a table as she bent down to say goodnight to her guide dog.

    A psychic who tried to prove her gift by driving a car blindfold in Perth, Australia, hit a lamppost and died.

    A bar of cranberry-flavoured white chocolate marketed with the slogan 'Stuff Christmas' has been condemned by Church of England officials as "a real turkey".

    Doctors in Lebanon operated on a man to remove 39 knives, forks, spoons and lighters which he had swallowed over a year.

    The surfaces of 22 of the 28 wash basins in the German parliament building in Berlin were found to have traces of cocaine.

    An American tourist dining in a restaurant in Co. Cork, Ireland, paid £540 for all of the 40 live lobsters in a tank waiting to be cooked and released them into the sea.

    The Olympic Games organisers have had to rush through an order for an extra 20,000 condoms after 30,000 of the 50,000 available free in the Olympic Village were taken by competitiors

    A former MP in Cairo has been arrested as he tried to buy 2,000 ballot papers so he could fill in his own name.

    One in 10 women using the internet at work has made love to a man they first met online

    A Thai farmer has decided to beat rising labour costs by training monkeys to pick his fruit.
    Tawee Phanthachange, a former army sargeant, has bought 20 macaques at £35 each to harvest his coconuts, tamarinds and mangoes.

    A prostitute in Denmark was allowed to reclaim thecost of her breast implants - about £2100 - as a tax allowance. The surgery was deemed to constitute a legitimate business improvement.

    A drive-through strip club has opened in Pennsylvania for commuters on their way home.

    Patrick Lawrence was arrested for attempting to make love to a pumpkin. Asked by police why he was molesting a pumpkin he replied: "Pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

    When the Swaziland Stock Exchange opened last week, no shares were traded for the first two days

    A policeman knocked himself out while searching a clothes shop in the Wirral, Merseyside. He rugby-tackled what he thought was an intruder and hit a long mirror head-first.

    A street in Palermo, Italy, was closed after obese mice started raining down and hitting tourists. An elderly woman who lived in a top flat had been feeding them and many had lost their ability to scale drainpipes.

    A plumber shot dead his friend after accusing him of cheating at petanque in the village of Vif, in the French Alps. The local policeman said "We take petanque very seriously, but to kill a man is not sporting."

    Taliban police in Afghanistan arrested a Pakistani football team for wearing shorts in a match. They were punished by having their heads shaved.

    A man crossing from Ukraine into Slovakia with someone else's passport was arrested when one of the artificial ears that he had glued on dropped off.

    After complaining of discrimination, a one-armed woodchopper in Brisbane was allowed to compete in an axe-wielding competition.

    A renowned hunter who earned his fame by expertly imitating wolf cries to lure other wolves for hunting was shot dead in Greece by fellow hunters who mistook him for the real thing

    A social worker attached to several offices in the south of France was sacked after it was discovered that he had not done any work for years. Every morning he would tell each office that he was working in one of the others.

    The arrest of a grocer accused of flirting with a judge's wife started riots in the Iranian town of Qir. The local paper said that the man was cross-eyed, which gave the false impression that he was leering.

  • I'm No Computer Geek

    I'm no Computer Geek
    by Dr. Mike Bass

    It's me, the man you know will make
    A big computerized mistake!
    I make one several times a week,
    Because I'm no computer geek.

    My laptop lives to make a fool
    Of me, who missed computer school.
    Its goblins and its evil ghosts
    Sent several extra e-mail posts.

    I have done worse than extra mail,
    I sent some nude San Quentin quail
    In pictures to my old Aunt Ruth
    While trying to map downtown Duluth!

    I start a cart at Buy-A-Pet -
    A pop-up says I won Tibet!
    I fill a form to get my prize,
    But "Timed Out" pops before my eyes.

    The dog I thought would be for me
    Is playing Lassie on TV.
    I reach to pet the dog at home -
    The keyboard buys a trip to Rome.

    I click some choice I didn't see,
    And get "Dee Dora, Enter me."
    I try to ditch this dude enslaver,
    And she becomes my new screen saver!

    A scanner starts out on the blink.
    A printer only works with pink.
    The screen will freeze; I'll tap to scroll.
    It starts, but rolls out of control.

    My tech support's in some casino
    While the Trekkies meet in Reno.
    Or so it seems when I'm on hold,
    Until I'm cut off, quick and cold.

    They say to treat your PC well,
    But, after damning it to Hell,
    Is there a time in your recall
    You banged the thing against a wall,

    And stomped it 'til you plainly see
    The guts of all that treachery?
    Then did you hurl it to the sky?
    Well, that's amazing! So did I!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  • The Ten strangest Products Of 2006

    >> 1. Gupi, The Robot Guinea Pig: The Guinea Pig promises to be the ultimate pet. Small and furry, Gupi is festooned with all sorts of electronic wizardry to make him a truly interactive virtual pet. He has sensors in his eyes, so he can shuffle about the house without bumping into things, and in his legs, so he won't go and fall off steps or the table -- and he's so smart he can even find his way in and out of a maze! If you mistreat or ignore him, he hides and if you pet him, he frolics. It also has a 'magic carrot' and makes 30 different sounds.

    >> 2. The BeerBelly: BeerBelly is a false frontage that is particularly useful if you like a drink on the go. Just strap on your BeerBelly and you can drink what you want, when and where you want to. It's made up of an insulated neoprene 'sling' and a polyurethane 'bladder' with a tube for dispensing.

    >> 3. Solar-powered Insect Theatre: The Solar Insect Theatre is a neat little insect habitat. During the day, its solar-charged batteries get their charge, by night it uses the power to light up in a fashion appealing to moths and butterflies. This eco-gadget isn't that silly, actually. It stores power in the day, then lights up at night to attract moths and butterflies for you to watch.

    >> 4. LumiGram Fiber Optic Clothing: This is an integration of fibre optics into fabrics to create a whole catalogue of wearable goods from handbags to hair. It's hyped as a new advancement in fashion. Others called it party clothing for a shimmery effect.

    >> 5. Froot Loop Cereal Bowl Light: The Cereal Bowl Light is one of the odder and more entertaining uses of sensor tech. Put in the spoon and it lights up, no fooling. The perfect gift for the lovely nitwit in your life. And, mind you, they are made with real fruit loops.

    >> 6. USB Pole Dancer: Tory MP Anne Widdecombe called it 'cheap and tawdry' and 'demeaning to women'. But for the man who likes his desk to have a classy vibe, this piece can be a good choice. She's an eight-inch bikini-clad blonde, who dances on a lit-up podium.

    >> 7. Geek-a-cycle: This is where exercise met Internet browsing. It's a reclining exercise bike hooked up to a computer desk, ensuring that you can spend four hours a night updating your MySpace page and have calves of steel.

    >> 8. Fatman Referee Suit: It's one of the funniest football gadgets ever seen. This fat referee suit inflates in minutes and comes complete with a belt clip and fan!

    >> 9. Crazy Frog Karaoke Mic: Somewhere in a company boardroom, someone actually had the idea of teaching the kids to sing Crazy Frog songs better. The karaoke mic from Nikko Toys is actually designed to make youngsters learn and perform a number of the Crazy Frog's 'hits' and to make things worse, it's portable.

    >> 10. Spray-on Condom: This specially-adapted aerosol can will provide you with a condom in a choice of strengths and colours in just five seconds – and one tailor-made for you. And, to boot, it's actually hitting the stalls in 2008.

  • New definitions for words.

    Some of these are very corny I'm afraid.

    Allege: A high rock shelf

    Arson: Our daughter's brother

    Author: A person who is usually write

    Autobiography: A history of cars

    Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes 'why?'

    Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital

    Bassinet: What every fisherman wants

    Belong: To take your time

    Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in an automobile

    Coffee: Break Fluid

    Complaint: A grief resume

    Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

    Deduce: De lowest card in de deck

    Denounce: Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.

    Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words

    Dogma: A mother dog

    Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge

    Earthquake: A topographical error

    Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster

    Flattery: Phony express

    Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

    Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up

    Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire

    Handicap: A ready-to-use hat

    Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig quickly

    Hunger: What the posse did to the lady cow rustler

    Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone

    Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

    Indecision: Under the whether

    Intense: Where campers sleep

    Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do

    Kinship: Your brother's boat

    Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass

    Legend: The edge of a cliff

    Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane

    Minimum: A very small mother

    Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance

    Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do

    Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas

    Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon

    Paradox: Two physicians

    Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish

    Paralyze: Two untruths

    Praise: Letting off esteem

    Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep

    Sarcasm: Quip lash

    Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event

    Skier: A person who jumps to contusions

    Sleet: A slipcover

    Stirrup: What you do with cake batter

    Subsidy: A town underneath another town

    Tenure: A year after nineure

    Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day

    Unabated: A fishhook without a worm

    Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater

    Vanguard: A person who protects trucks

    Warehouse: What you ask when you're lost

    Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home

  • The Silly News Headlines

    Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
    Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evenings News)
    Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
    After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
    A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
    At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
    Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler'". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
    The USA often won the famous yacht race, known as the Americas Cup, by hook or by crook. In one year, the US schooner lost to the British, but the US team effected a retroactive change in the rules disqualifying the British. A British newspaper ran the headline: Britannia rules the waves but America waives the rules.
    During the early 1980s a heavy fog covered the English Channel hindering ferry crossings to France. A British newspaper ran the headline: Continent cut off by fog. I submit that if a fog bank had covered the Pacific island chain of Hawaii, American newspapers would not have run the healdine: North America cut off by fog.
    HEADLINES From 2002:
    Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    War Dims Hope for Peace
    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  • At least somewhere has had a White Christmas

    I was listening to the radio earlier this morning when it was reported that Melbourne in Australia has experienced its coldest ever Christmas Day  with the maximum temperature only reaching 14.6 degress Centigrade - this would be a disappointing temperatrure for the middle of summer even in England. Only a few miles away, up in the mountains they even had a few flakes of snow.

    Maybe freak weather such as this is why the phrase 'global warming' is going out of fashion, and being replaced with 'climate change.' 

  • Two products I'm waiting for someone to invent.

    1...Dinner plates and trays with built-in spirit levels.

    2...A backpack vacuum cleaner.

    Maybe I'll see them in the sales later today

  • Well...I've never been this bored!

    A German man who tied himself to a foldaway bed because he was bored was rescued by police after becoming trapped in its mechanism.

    Neighbours alerted the police in the German town of Schwelm after hearing the cries for help late night.

    When police entered the apartment, they found the bed had folded itself away and the red-faced man was tied upside down to it with a tow-rope and wire and unable to free himself.

    "He said he did it because he was bored," said Dietmar Trust, a spokesman for the local police. "He was visibly embarrassed but it was also a pretty amusing situation."

  • Not what she was expecting.

    A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

  • New Medical Terms

    AFROPHOBIA
    Fear of the return of the Jackson Five.

    PSEUDONYMPHOMANIA
    Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

    DEJA FLU
    The feeling that one has had this cold before.

    HYPOCOINDRIA
    Fear of not having correct change.

    HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
    Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

    HERPES CINEPLEX
    Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

    CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
    herbal-tea addiction.

    VISACARDITIS
    The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

    SONSTROKE
    An attack during the reading of a will

    ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
    Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

  • Guards Reading Prisoners' Mail

    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

    A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden."

    The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

  • Spelling Errors

    A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller.

    So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

    She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

    Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.

  • Angry Astrologer

    MOSCOW - NASA's mission that sent a space probe smashing into a comet raised more than cosmic dust — it also brought a lawsuit from a Russian astrologer.

    Marina Bai has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.

    Scientists say the crash did not significantly alter the comet's orbit around the sun and said the experiment does not pose any danger to Earth.

    The probe's comet crash sent up a cloud of debris that scientists hope to examine to learn how the solar system was formed.

    Bai is seeking damages totaling $300 million — the approximate equivalent of the mission's cost — for her "moral sufferings," Izvestia said, citing her lawyer Alexander Molokhov. She earlier told the paper that the experiment would "deform her horoscope."

    NASA representatives in Russia and at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., could not be reached for comment on the case.

  • Why?

    Something I noticed the other day...why are there two kangaroos that appear to be knitting, on the Google u.k. homepage? What has this image got to do with Britain, or Christmas?

  • A pleasant couple of hours.

    I've just finished working a shift at the youth club/internet cafe organised by the charity where I'm employed. No clients showed up though; the initiative has been set up at short notice without any publicity or outreach work having been done.

    So, we all just sat around drinking tea and eating cream cakes which were brought to us by the staff from the hairdressing salon downstairs as they were closing up; I imagine they were offering them to their clientele.

  • Repetitive strain injury.

    Phone Sex Operator Gets Masturbation Settlement

    A Florida phone sex operator has won a workers' compensation settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at work, her lawyer said.

    The lawyer told Reuters he was not sure whether the Fort Lauderdale woman's claim was the first of its kind, but it certainly was out of the ordinary.

    He said his client agreed to a "minimal settlement" earlier this month. He declined to disclose the amount.

    During the course of her claim for workers' compensation benefits, the now 40-year-old employee of Fort Lauderdale's CFP Enterprises, Inc. said she developed carpal tunnel syndrome -- also known as repetitive motion injury -- in both hands from masturbating as many as seven times a day while speaking with callers, said the attorney, who spoke about the case this week on the condition that his client's name not be revealed.

    "She was told to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible," he said.

    The woman used one hand to answer the telephone and the other to note customer's names and fetishes and to give herself an orgasm during the verbal exchanges.

  • It's starting to smell nice.

    I'm sitting at my computer, only about four feet away from the open kitchen door and I can smell the tasty aroma of the two family-sized steak and vegetable pies [bought from the shop] and a tray of onions, carrots and parsnips [bought from the market and prepared by myself] that are baking in the oven.

    I'm not a very good cook and don't use the oven very often - probably less than once a month, but when I do I like to pack it full with stuff.

  • More Questions To Ponder

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
    If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
    If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
    If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
    What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
    Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
    Is it possible to be totally partial?
    What's another word for thesaurus?
    When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
    Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
    Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
    Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
    Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
    If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
    What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
    How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold,cold?
    Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
    If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings why don't they wear a pair of bras?
    How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
    Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

  • Catalan Christmas Celebrations...a little bit different.

    Pooping peasant popular in Spain

    BARCELONA, Spain - The Virgin Mary. The three kings. A few wayward sheep. These are the figures one expects to find in a traditional Christmas nativity scene. Not a smartly dressed peasant squatting behind a rock with his rear-end exposed.

    Yet statuettes of "El Caganer," or the great defecator in the Catalan language, can be found in nativity scenes, and increasingly on the mantelpieces of collectors, throughout Spain's northeastern Catalonia region, where for centuries symbols of defecation have played an important role in Christmas festivities.

    During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces, and on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end.

    These traditions, in the case of the caganer dating back as far as the 17th century, come from an agricultural society where defecation was associated with fertility and health.

    While the traditional caganer is a red-capped peasant, more modern renditions have gained popularity in recent years.

  • Some genuine good news at Christmas

    Amusement Park Donates $7,500 In Spare Change

    POSTED: 10:44 am PST December 20, 2006

    Cedar Point Amusement Park roller coasters and rides shake a lot of loose change from its visitors' pockets during the summer.
    Now, the park is giving all of it to charity -- to the tune of $7,500.
    The amusement park on the shores of Lake Erie will donate the money to Victory Temple Soup Kitchen here from its loose change fund, officials said.
    Cedar Point employees collect and turn in any loose change found underneath rides, on the midway or in the park's fountains.
    The park has donated more than $170,000 to local organizations since 1988.
  • Somewhere I've Never Wanted To Visit.

    Tourist Told To Remove Santa Hat, Shirt At Disney Park
    'I Look This Way 24/7, 365 Days A Year,' Worley Says

    ORLANDO, Fla. -- A 60-year-old man with a white beard and portly frame was told to remove a red Christmas hat and shirt and stop impersonating Santa during a visit to Walt Disney World theme park, according to a Local 6 News report.

    J.D. Worley of Tampa, Fla., said that when he walked into Disney's Magic Kingdom, children flocked to him.

    "Kids wanted to hug me and that was great," Worley said. "It felt good."

    However, someone complained to Disney officials that some man in a red shirt was pretending to be Santa Claus on park property, reporter Craig Patrick said.

    "Her statement was to me was that I either needed to alter my appearance, the way I look, or leave the park because I was impersonating Santa Claus," Worley said.

    Worley said he removed his hat but still drew attention.

    "I look this way 24/7, 365 days a year," Worley said. "This is me."

    A Disney spokesman said Worley did not just look like Santa but when he was asked, he said he was Santa and that is why he got in trouble, the report said.

    "Are you Santa Claus?" Patrick asked.

    "No," Worley said.

    "You told the kids you were?" Patrick said.

    "Yes," Worley said.

    Disney managers said Worley was not thrown out of the park just ordered to stop saying he was Santa.

    "How do you tell a little kid from a person who looks like me, 'No go away, little kid," Worley said.

  • Another anecdote about William Randolph Hearst

    In recognition of his dedication to the Journal, William Randolph Hearst once offered columnist Arthur Brisbane a six-month vacation on full pay. When Brisbane declined to accept, Hearst understandably asked him why.
    Brisbane provided two good reasons: "The first is that if I quit writing for six months it might damage the circulation of your newspapers," he explained. "The second reason is that it might not!"

    Hearst, William Randolph (1863-1951) American newspaper and magazine publisher, art collector [noted for his creation of the world's largest publishing empire (comprising 28 major newspapers), and for his role in the creation of "yellow journalism"]

  • Hospital Appointment

    I've received a letter from the hospital informing me of the date of my knee operation; January 15th, and I need to be there for 7:30 in the morning. I don't think I'll be having my operation that early; I think everyone is told the same time so that the staff can deal with the paperwork more easily.

    It will entail my brother needing to stay with me for a couple of nights because he'll not be able to get to the hospital at Mexborough that early in the morning.

  • Just answering the question.

    James Bennett, no fan of rival publisher William Randolph Hearst, was one day irked to discover that Hearst was plotting to buy his ailing New York Herald.

    Sure enough, he soon received correspondence from Hearst asking how much the newspaper would cost, and promptly sent a cable in return. His reply? "Price of Herald three cents daily. Five cents Sunday. Bennett."

    Bennett, James Gordon II (1841-1918) American newspaper owner and eccentric, son of New York Herald founder James Gordon Bennett [noted for launching the Paris edition of the New York Herald and for his sponsorship of various international expeditions and yachting and auto racing trophies]

    [

  • Setting the cat among the pigeons.

    Ashes thought to be those of Joan of Arc may belong to a cat.

    The ashes were discovered in 1867 and have been at a musuem in Chinon, western France.

    Joan of Arc prevented a British invasion, before being burnt at the stake as a witch by the English in 1431 at the age of 19.

    Carbon-dating tests identified a cat's femur and rib bone in the ashes.

    Anthropologist Philippe Charlier revealed the discovery tallied with the medieval practice of throwing a black cat on a witch's pyre to appease the devil.

    He told the Sun: "This femur is not burnt, just a bit charred, so maybe we are just dealing with a passing cat.

    "The chances that we are dealing with the remains of the French heroine are diminishing."

    But a spokesman for the French Catholic Church said: "Joan of Arc's remains could well be there amid other things."

  • Working during Christmas

    Today I've found out what days and hours I'll be working next week; I'll be helping out at the internet cafe/youth club which the charity runs in town. This involves working for two and a half hours on four evenings which will leave me nine hours short of my contracted hours; but I'll be able to cover these by doing some research and preparatory work at home for the power point presentation that I'm required to do as part of my NVQ qualification.

  • Best Bumper Stickers of 1999

    Best Bumper Stickers of 1999 (How many have you seen?)
    God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
    My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
    Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
    (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
    If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
    I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
    Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
    What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
    Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
    Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
    Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
    Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
    If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
    First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
    In Dog Years, I'm Dead
    Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
    If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
    The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
    Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
    Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
    I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
    Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
    A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
    First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
    Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
    In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
    BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
    So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
    I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
    BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
    All men are idiots... and I married their king.
    The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
    I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
    Hang up and drive.
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
    Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
    God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
    I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
    Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
    HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
    Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
    God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
    I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
    I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
    Keep honking while I reload.
    Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
    Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
    Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
    5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
    EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
    If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
    If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
    Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
    Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
    Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
    My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
    Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
    Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
    If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
    Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

  • Work's Christmas Dinner

    Everything went well I suppose. The dinner was okay; small portions, even with second helpings...I did have half a dozen mince pies though.

    I drank three quarters of a bottle of vodka and ended up dancing for four hours; but I enjoyed it, and so did my dancing partners.

  • Japanese cum-cum disease.

    Growing numbers of Japanese women are afflicted with an illness that gives them orgasms virtually 24 hours a day. And with suggestions that it could be deadly, the women hardly know whether they're coming or going, according to Shukan Post (11/24).
    "If a guy simply taps me on the shoulder, I just swoon. Even when I go to the toilet, my body reacts. I'm a little bit scared of myself," one woman sufferer tells Shukan Post.
    Another adds: "When I got on the train one day, I could feel blood gushing toward a certain part of my body and it felt so good I almost let out a moan. It was sheer murder when everybody got pushed into the carriage."
    Yet another woman has her say.
    "Even the vibration of my mobile phone is enough to set me off," she says. "My friend said there's something called Iku Iku byo (Cum Cum Disease). I guess I've got that."
    What may be afflicting these women, the best-selling weekly says, is an ailment called persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS).
    PSAS has been described as an affliction that brings about orgasm through the slightest of jolts regardless of whether they're aroused, or even thinking about sex. What's more, orgasms experienced by PSAS sufferers are not just momentary phenomena, instead affecting women over anywhere from a few days to a week, with one reported case seeing 300 orgasms in a single day.
    Awareness in Japan of PSAS -- which was first documented by Dr. Sandra Leiblum in the United States five years ago -- is growing, especially in the blogsphere, where it is being called Iku Iku byo.
    Hideo Yamanaka, a doctor at the Toranomon Hibiya Clinic in Tokyo says the disease can be debilitating.
    "For women to orgasm, they need to have some sort of sexual stimulation. There are nerves around the female genitals which react to sexual stimulation. The body gradually builds up to a crescendo, that ascends to a climax," the doctor tells Shukan Post. "However, with this disease, women are mysteriously reaching climax without any external sexual stimulation at all. One possible cause that I can think of is an irregularity in the sensory nerves."
    PSAS discover Leiblum says that the disease has a tendency to strike post-menopausal women in their 40s and 50s or those who've undergone hormonal treatment. But she adds that there have also been cases reported among women in their 30s, stressing that too little is known about the syndrome to pinpoint anything and adds that the nature of the ailment means that many sufferers may be too ashamed to report it.
    PSAS numbers in the U.S. are high enough for support groups to have popped up, suggesting it won't be too long before Japan sees the same.
    "Awareness levels are still too low," Jeannie Allen, the head of PSAS Support, tells Shukan Post. "I think there's a strong possibility that there are Japanese patients."
    Manga artist Akira Narita, who says he has slept with over 1,000 different women, says he has come across some he believes may have had PSAS.
    "There must have been about 15 who came without me doing a thing. We'd only need to stare in each other's eyes and they'd start wiggling about, gripping tightly onto whatever was around them and their bodies would start to shake. There were others who'd orgasm repeatedly just because I'd stroked their hands," the self-professed sexpert says. "I'd always thought of these women as types who got off in their minds, but I think perhaps they may have had PSAS."
    PSAS is not sex addiction and, considering the constant orgasms can be draining, can often be a painful and demeaning experience. Many sufferers are driven to the verge of suicide, prompting medical experts to recommend anybody who suspects they have the ailment to seek a doctor's advice immediately.
    "Anybody who has the slightest suspicion," physician Yamanaka tells Shukan Post, "should get to a gynecologist or neurologist straight away." (By Ryann Connell)

  • More weird, but true, tales.

    Two farmers were killed and one was seriously injured while attempting to slaughter a pig in Hungary.
    After one of the men was electrocuted trying to stun the pig, another died of a heart attack. A third man was injured by the stun gun.
    The pig survived.

    A bee stopped trains for 80 minutes when it jammed switching points after seeking warmth on a circuit board at Kioroshi, west of Tokyo.

    A bus shelter has been erected at Sudbury, Suffolk, on a road where there are no buses.

    Police closed down a club for pensioners in Slovakia after the members were found making machine guns. They were selling them to criminals.

    A bank robber who stole £5,500 in New York was arrested after he was recognised at the bank four days later asking to open an account.

    A survey of 300 hotel injuries by the law firm DMH found that 46 per cent of accidents occurred at swimming pools, 18 per cent were due to unsafe balconies and rooms while only 15 per cent involved gastric illness.

    A 23-year-old man in Shanghai was sentenced to death for killing his boss after being refused a day off to watch a Manchester United match.

    A blind man returned home from a day out to find that Birmingham council had evicted him, changed his locks and trapped his guide dog inside.

    Frederick Hambridge of Swindon, England was fined £105 for speeding at 103mph in a hearse!

    Edinburgh hotel The Bonham is staking a claim to the title of "the world's most wired guesthouse". Every one of the 48 rooms in the Victorian hotel has been kitted out with a PC, DVD and hi-fi system. Guests can surf the Net, check email and watch a DVD movie all at the same time. A fibre optic network links all the rooms too, so guests can find out who else is enjoying the technological delights on offer.

    Spotted on the streets was a Big Issue salesman holding a placard which read "Please queue in an orderly fashion." Optimist or comedian?

    Aberdeen Royal Infirmary is reported to have booked 40 patients into the four-star Atholl Hotel for their cataract operations. Apparently it costs less for them to recuperate in the hotel than it would to open more hospital beds!

    Residents in Bromsgrove threw a "first birthday party" for a 30 yard pothole after the council left it unmended for a year.

    Eight people were injured when a Second World War bomb exploded in a Montenegro cafe. It had been used as a table leg.

    A Romanian soccer fan has been arrested after he tried to bribe doctors to swap his newly-born girl for a boy.

    An Oxford undergraduate radio station, Altered Radio Sound Education, changed its name after the Radio Authority refused it a licence.

    The German secret service is selling golf balls and underwear bearing its logo to improve its dowdy image.

    Brazil is to build a landing strip for aliens after the mayor of Bocaiuva do Sul said that they had asked him for "authorised entry".

  • Update

    I've just been speaking on the phone with V... and she wants to see me again. That's good news, even though in a previous post I mentioned how our first date was hard work because I ended up doing most of the talking. We'll make plans later in the week to meet up at a pub in town again.

    Something else to look forward to: the work's Christmas dinner - we're actually being served with the same Christmas fare as the kids at the local comprehensive school...but we can bring our own booze! [We've booked the community hall which is part of the same building where our main office is based.]

  • Extracts from actual CVs.

    I have extensive experience in distribution but I don't ever want to hold a position of any importance for personal reasons.

    I am very flexible with a fork lift truck.

    I can be very accommodating and in fact I will bend over backwards to satisfy your needs.

    I have built up an impressive knowledge of warehousing both in and out of my home.

    I have substantial experience in handling packages of all shapes and sizes, for example round ones, square ones, oblong ones...

    I have excellent interpersonal and conummication skills.

    I have worked in all sorts of places and my geography knowledge is unparalled.

    References are available, please contact my parole officer.

    Please excuse my handwritten CV, I put the typed version in storage and have had difficulties relocating it.

    Education: not available

    Being an ex-marine I am still capable of carrying 40 kilos over 20 miles with no discomfort.

    I have received full COSSHH training and completed a Health & Safety Correct Lifting Course. PS, I am allergic to dust.

    I'm an excellent packer as I'm constantly moving house so packing suitcases is my speciality.

    I'm very good with my hands and have exceedingly nimble fingers.

    With over 400 years in the industry I have amassed a great deal of experience.

  • Interesting Bumper Stickers

    If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

    Life is too short, have dessert first

    Suburbanites pave over trees, then name streets after them.

    All Men are Idiots and I Married their King.

    Some days you're the bug,
    and other days you're the windshield!

    Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

    Boldly going nowhere

    CATS: The other white meat

    Don't be sexist - broads hate that

    Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

    Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

    He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

    Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

    How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

    If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

    I'm an imbecile and I vote

    Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

    Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

    WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

    What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

  • New Office Slang.

    404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

    Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

    Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

    Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

    Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

    Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

    Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

    Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

    Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

    Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

    Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

    Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

    CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

    Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

    Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

    Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

    CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

    Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

    Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

    CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....
    Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

    Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

    Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

    Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

    Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

    Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

    Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

    Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

    Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

    Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

    GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

    Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

    Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

    High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

    Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

    Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

    It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

    Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

    Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

    Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

    Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

    Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

    Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

    Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

    Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

    Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

    Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

    Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

    Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

    Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

    SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

    Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

    Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

    Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

    Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

    Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

    Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

    Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

    Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.”

    Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

    Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

    Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

    WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

    World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

    Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

    Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

  • More strange stories from around the world.

    A sporran which was part of Gareth Moore's wedding outfit was impounded by customs officials in Melbourne. It was handled with rubber gloves and bombarded with gamma rays in case its horse and goat hairs were contaminated with foot and mouth.

    Aiden Mooney, a British ex-pat in Austin Texas, ordered a portion of cod and chips to be flown out to him from Durham, over 4,500 miles away.

    A driver who received notice of a £60 fine with a picture of his car caught in an automated speed trap sent a photograph of £60 instead of payment but paid promptly after Surrey police sent him a picture of handcuffs.

    At a cricket match between Yorkshire LPS and Amarmilan in the Bradford Sunday League, all 22 players and the scorer shared the same surname, Patel.

    Researchers have found that all the original names for medieval brothels, or red light districts, have been gradually been bowdlerised except one: Grope Lane in Shrewsbury.

    A boy of eight who had his arm bitten off by a shark while bathing in waist-deep water off Florida was rescued by his uncle, who then caught the shark, beached it, cut its throat and retrievedthe severed limb from its throat. The arm has been reattached and shows good prospects of growing normally.

    According to the Alliance of Professional Tattooists, one in 10 adults in the US now has a tattoo, compared to one in a 100 in 1970.

    Police investigating the thefts of red post boxes in North Wales say they are being sold secretly to collectors of British memorabilia in the US.

    California's appeal court upheld a homeless man's jail sentence for stealing four biscuits. Under the state's "three strikes and your out" law, Kevin Webster was jailed for 25 years to life!

    An elderly New Zealand couple went to strangers' funerals five times a week for 17 years to get free food and drink.

    Schools in Belgium have replaced lunchtime fizzy drinks with beer for pupils as young as three. Experts believe that low-alcohol beer is healthier than soft drinks.

    The Girl Scouts of America have introduced a new badge: Stress Management.

    Police in the Indian state of West Bengal found 86 human skulls in a bag abandoned at a bus stop.

    Thousands of fake dollar bills which were blown up during the making of a film in Las Vegas were collected by passers-by, who then spent them.

    Hackers closed the US Government's "impregnable" computer centre which alerts the world to virus threats by hackers.

    An American company is selling an toy designed to stimulate children's imagination. It is called Invisible Jim and is an empty box costing £2, labelled "As not seen on TV, batteries not included."

    A man handed in his pet python to the RSPCA in Godshill, Isle of Wight, because it did not match the colour of his newly decorated home.

    A packing company in New Zealand had to shut for two days after an employee served a birthday cake laced with cannabis. Sixteen people went to hospital with hallucinations and the rest could not operate the machinery.

    Eight members of a religious sect died when their bus was set on fire by a mob in Osu, Nigeria. They were blamed for using sorcery to make a man's penis vanish.

    A Florida court ruled that Disney World employees must be paid for the time it takes them to dress up as Mickey Mouse or Goofy. About 3000 employees will be entitled to back pay.

    Anxious to avoid the undertaker's fees for transferring a body 1000 miles from Colorado to Oregon, Janet Levene drove there with the corpse of her 91-year-old mother sitting beside her - dressed in a pair of pyjamas.

    Three Eurostar trains were diverted to another line through Kent after 6 boys were spotted baring their behinds at passing trains. A spokesman said "We don't want our passengers having to see that."

  • This has been hard work.

    I've just returned from my date with V... It lasted for three hours and I must have spent eighty percent of the time talking; it seemed more like a therapy session (I'm not sure for who though.)

    I gave her my phone number and told her to call me; if she does I'll enjoy another date with her, if she doesn't I won't cry or lose any sleep.

  • Santa Claus - An Engineer's Perspective

    SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective:

    First off: All the Children

    There are approximately two billion children (under
    18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit
    children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions,
    this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of
    the total, or 378 million (according to the Population
    Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
    children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes,
    presuming that there is at least one well behaved child in each.

    Second: The Crucial Timing Aspect

    Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
    to the different time zones and the earth rotation,
    assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical, why...?).
    This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

    This is to say that for each Christian household with a well
    behaving child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park
    the sleigh, jump out, rush down the chimney, fill the
    stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
    tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him (if any), get back
    up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next
    house or apartment.

    Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
    distributed around the globe (which, of course, we know to
    be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations),
    we are now talking about 0.78 miles per house-
    hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
    bathroom stops or breaks (not allowed). This means Santa's sleigh is
    moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed
    of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
    vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
    miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at
    best) 15 miles per hour.

    Weight, oh man, the WEIGHT!

    The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
    Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium
    sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over
    500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. Don't add
    the weight he puts in with snacks, as we know he's not being
    able to bathroom-brake.

    On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

    Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
    times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight
    or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them.

    This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
    sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the
    weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

    Energy, what's with the darn energy...?

    600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
    enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer
    in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
    earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb
    14.3 quintillion (heh?!) joules of energy per second each. In
    short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
    exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening
    sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would
    be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right
    about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

    Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
    accelerating from a dead stop 650 mps in .001 seconds,
    would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's, which
    means a sudden weight dropped on his fat corps comparable
    to the moon in an instant.

    A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
    pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
    force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
    him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

    Finally, the lies are unveiled!!!

    Therefore, if Santa does exist, he's dead now!

  • Ten Husbands And Still A Virgin!

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

  • Chipping away.

    I've just spent fifteen minutes chiselling away the ice from inside my freezer so that there's enough for this morning's shopping. It's a tight fit, but I've managed to wedge everything in: I've needed to buy so much all at once because today might the last opportunity I'll have to do any serious shopping until after Christmas, or even the New Year. It all depends on what days and hours I'll be working during the holidays, and when the shops will be open.

  • These statements are definitely true.

    The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

    All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

    No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

  • Getting a load of earache.

    A Brazilian man who went to the doctor suffering from ear trouble ended up undergoing more radical treatment than he expected - when he underwent a vasectomy.
    Valdemar Lopes de Moraes, 39, was suffering from muffled hearing, and thought his name had been called out in the waiting room at a clinic in the town of Montes Claros in south-eastern Minas Gerais state, Reuters news agency reported.

    He promptly went into a consulting room - where a doctor was performing vasectomies.

    The staff had really called out Aldemar, not Valdemar - but they say they gave the full name, Aldemar Aparecido Rodrigues, of the man who was scheduled for the snip.

    "The strangest thing is that he asked no questions when the doctor started preparations in the area which had so little to do with his ear," said clinic manager, Vanessa Guimaraes.

    Mr de Moraes, a local farmer, later told staff he thought his ear inflammation had reached as far as his testicles.

    The father of two, who had the vasectomy last week, turned up at the same clinic on Wednesday for the ear examination he failed to get the first time - but made no request for a reversal of the operation.

    Ms Guimaraes said: "A local newspaper said he is going to sue us, but he did not tell us about any claims."

  • My comments about England and the English

    Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson

    "England expects that every man will do his duty".

    (Message to his men before the Battle of Trafalgar)

    Ogden Nash - American humorist

    "Let us pause to consider the English. Who when they pause to consider themselves they get all reticently thrilled and tinglish, because every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz; that to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is".

    Arthur Murray

    "The people of England are never as happy as when you tell them they are ruined".

    (From "The Upholsterer" - 1758)

    William Shakespeare

    "This blessed plot, this earth, this realm. This England, this nurse, this teaming womb of royal kings".

    (John of Gaunt's speech in Richard II)

    William Shakespeare

    "We few. We happy few. We band of brothers...".

    (King Henry's call to arms of the English army before the battle of Agincourt)

    William Shakespeare

    "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
    Or close the wall up with our English dead!
    In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
    As modest stillness and humility:
    But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
    Then imitate the action of the tiger;
    Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
    Disguise fair nature with hard favoured rage;
    Then lend the eye a terrible aspect.
    On, on you noblest English!
    Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof;
    Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
    Have in these parts from morn till even fought,
    And sheathed their swords for lack of argument.
    And you, good yeomen,
    Whose limbs were made in England, show us here the mettle of your pasture.
    I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
    Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
    Follow your spirit; and upon this charge
    Cry "God for Harry! England and Saint George".

    (Henry V - Henry urges his men into the attack at the Siege of Harfleur)

    Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "When I warned them (the French Government) that Britain would fight on alone whatever they did, their generals told their Prime Minister and his divided Cabinet, "In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken." Some chicken! Some neck!".

    (Speech to Canadian Parliament 1941)

    George Borrow (1803-1881) - English writer

    "Let no one sneer at the bruisers of England - What were the gladiators of Rome or the bull fighters of Spain, in its palmist days, compared to England's bruisers?".

    Rupert Brooke (1887-1915) - English poet

    "If I should die, think only this of me:
    That there's some corner of a foreign field
    That is for ever England. There shall be
    In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
    A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
    Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
    A body of England's, breathing English air,
    Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.

    And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
    A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
    Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
    Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
    And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
    In hearts at peace, under an English heaven".

    ("The Soldier" - 1914)

    Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603)

    "I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King, and of a King of England too; and think foal scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm".

    (Speech to the troops at Tilbury on the approach of the Armada 1588)

  • One for the ladies.

    Something I found on a forum somewhere.

    If you call me a bitch, then a bitch is a female dog, and dogs bark, and bark is on trees, and trees are nature, and nature is beautiful! so thanks for the compliment!

  • Don't forget to chew the water.

    The Indian government releases thousands of scavenger turtles into the Ganges River each year to help it recycle thousands of decomposing human bodies thrown into it each year. Whole corpses, along with partially cremated bodies, are traditionally thrown into this river by Hindus who believe the water has Holy properties. (Third class families, of which there are millions, usually can not afford to buy enough wood to properly cremate their loved ones. So, symbolically, they burn what they can, then throw the rest into the river.)

  • In vino veritas.

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

  • Due to be upgraded.

    My broadband is scheduled to be upgraded to 8mbps sometime between 8pm tonight and 8am in the morning. I'm assuming that the engineers have already started work on my line because when I tried to log on earlier the service was down.

    I'm not sure what benefits this improved service will bring me; it would be nice if the videos I watch on YouTube would have the audio and video synchronised but I think this has more to do with the speed of my processor (1.7mHz) and the efficiency of the server.

  • Some terrible Christmas Jokes

    What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
    It has NO EL.

    What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
    You get tinsel-itus!

    Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
    He likes to ho-ho-ho.

    How does Santa Claus take photos?
    With his North Pole-aroid.

    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
    It's Christmas, Eve.

    Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
    They both drop their needles!

    Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
    "Rude"olph!

    What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
    Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

    What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
    Sandy Claus!

    What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
    Anything you want. He can't hear you!

    Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
    No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

    Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
    He had no body to go with!

    Why did the little boy push his bed into the fireplace?
    He wanted to sleep like a log.

  • I wonder if she won her case.

    January 16, 1993

    In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

    On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

    In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

  • Recently published poems.

    In HQ Poetry Magazine: The Haiku Quaterly

    HAIKU

    another birthday:
    morning, noon and evening
    three friends sitting at the dinner table

    In Awen

    HAIKU

    Midwinter:
    Stars blossoming
    On the cherry tree.

    Last night
    I dreamed
    I was dreaming.

  • The English Lesson

    We must polish the Polish furniture.

    He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    The farm was used to produce produce.

    The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

    This was a good time to present the present.

    A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    I did not object to the object.

    The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    The bandage was wound around the wound.

    There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    They were too close to the door to close it.

    The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

    To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    After a number of injections my jaw got number.

    Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

    I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

    It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.

    His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

    We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

    There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

    You should spring that on us next spring!

  • More quotes about England and the English

    Adolf Hitler

    "Germany will dominate Europe, and England the world outside".

    Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher & poet

    "By this sacredness of individuals, the English have in seven hundred years evolved the principles of freedom".

    Jeremy Paxman - political analyst & tv presenter

    "It is a mark of self confidence: the English have not spent a great deal of time defining themselves because they haven't needed to".

    (Extract from his book "The English")

    Jeremy Paxman - political analyst & tv presenter

    "Those countries which do best in the world - the ones that are safe and prosperous - have a coherent sense of their own culture".

    (Extract from his book "The English")

    Arthur Bryant - historian

    "Five times by her mastery of the sea she has prevented a continental military conqueror from imposing a despotic authoritarian rule on Europe and the rest of the world".

    Arthur Bryant - historian

    "The value set by her people on the freedom and sanctity of the individual, on justice and fair play, on mercy and tenderness towards the weak, and their dislike of lawless violence and their capacity to tolerate, forget and forgive have been, for all England's past mistakes and faults, a very real factor in human evolution".

    John Milton (1643) - English poet

    "Let not England forget her precedence of teaching nations how to live".

    George Mikes - author

    "When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles - but never England".

    (From his book "How To Be An Alien)

    John Milton (1643) - English poet

    "God is decreeing to begin some new and great period in his Church, even to the reforming of Reformation itself. What does he then but reveal Himself to his servants, and as is his manner, first to his Englishmen".

    Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson

    "First, you must implicitly obey orders… Secondly, you must consider every man as your enemy who speaks ill of your King... And thirdly, you must hate a Frenchman as you do the devil".

    (Giving advice to a new recruit on how to survive in the Royal Navy)

  • Trying Again.

    When I arrived for my group therapy session earlier this afternoon I was handed a Christmas card by one of the workers; it wasn't from her, and she didn't know who it was from.

    When I opened it is was from the only woman who's attending the session with us and contained her phone number and an invitation to go to the pictures with her.

    As soon as I got home I phoned her and we made arrangements to go out together on Saturday evening...I'll be confirming things on Friday.

    Definitely something to look forward to!

  • The Facts of Life

    A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

    F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

    S: What do you mean, Dad?

    F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

    S: What do other women say?

    F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

    S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

    F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

    S: And what does mother say?

    F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

  • It's Logical.

    A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.

    Later that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, "Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?" She answered, "The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not."

  • Waiting for your turn.

    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
    sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
    elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
    75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
    Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
    concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
    flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
    tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
    stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
    Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
    tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
    the car!"

  • Twenty facts about rats.

    1 The brown rat (Rattus norvegicus), also known as the Norway rat, and its more acrobatic Asian cousin, the black rat (Rattus rattus), enjoy a nearly worldwide distribution, thanks to their skill at stowing away on ships.

    2 In the mid-19th century, Jack Black, the rat catcher for Queen Victoria, found several color variations of the brown rat and domesticated those he caught. Eager owners of his pet rats included the Queen herself, and it's rumored—disturbingly—Beatrix Potter.

    3 Rats' front teeth grow 4½ to 5½ inches each year. Rats wear them down by continuously gnawing on everything around them, including cement, brick, wood, lead pipes, and other small animals.

    4 A female rat can mate as many as 500 times with various males during a six-hour period of receptivity—a state she experiences about 15 times per year. Thus a pair of brown rats can produce as many as 2,000 descendants in a year if left to breed unchecked. (A rat matures sexually at age three to four months.) An average rat's life span is two to three years.

    5 A rat can tread water for three days and survive being flushed down the toilet. (And it can return to the building via the same route.) There is approximately one rat per person in the United States.

    6 Not all rats live close to humans. Of the 56 known species, many live in remote habitats like marshlands and rain forests, and some are endangered. How sad!

    7 A Hindu temple dedicated to the rat goddess Karni Mata in Deshnoke, India, houses more than 20,000 rats. Many people travel far to pay respect to the rats, which are believed to be reincarnations of Karni Mata and her clansmen.

    8 Perhaps they're reincarnated teenagers: According to a study by Martin Schein, founder of the Animal Behavior Society, the favorite foods of city-dwelling brown rats include scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, and cooked corn.

    9 Well, junk food isn't much better: Rats eat their own feces, purely for the nutritional value.

    10 A recent study at the National Institutes of Health revealed that decreasing the caloric intake of rats expands their life span. So feed them as much as you can.

    11 Who were they rescuing? In June 2006, animal rescue workers in Petaluma, California, found Roger Dier in his one-bedroom home overrun with more than 1,000 brown rats. The brood began after the obsessed collector took pity on a baby rat he planned to feed to his pet python.

    12 Rat baiting, a popular sport in 19th-century London, pitted a man or a dog against hundreds of rats. Jacko, a 13-pound bull terrier, set the record in 1862 when he killed 100 rats in 5 minutes, 28 seconds.

    13 Drats! A rat can fall as far as 50 feet and land uninjured.

    14 "Drats" has nothing to do with rats. It's a short form of "od rat," a euphemism for "God rot," which is used like "Goddamn."

    15 If you were born in 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, or 1996, then you're a rat, according to Chinese astrology. This would make you quick-witted, resourceful, and something of a fashionista. Exactly like a rat, except for the clothes bit.

    16 Rats do not sweat. They regulate their temperature by constricting or expanding blood vessels in their tails.

    17 Rats are known to transmit several potentially fatal diseases to humans, including viral hemorrhagic fever, plague, Weil's disease, and Q fever.

    18 On the bright side, it is extremely rare for a human to get rabies from a rat.

    19 Innie or outie? Rats don't have gallbladders or tonsils, but they do have belly buttons.

    20 Yeah, but seriously, who wants one? In 2006 it was revealed that a team of scientists at Tel Aviv University in Israel had created a brain chip out of rat neurons.

  • Always wear underwear

    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

  • Strange Sex laws

    In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

    "Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

    The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

    The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

    In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

    There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

    In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

    The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

    In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

    The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

    In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

    The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

    In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

    In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

    Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.

    Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

    While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

    In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

    In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

    It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

    An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired.

    An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

    In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification."

    During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

    As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

    In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

    In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

    In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

    An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

    The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

    In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

    It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

    In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

    Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.

    A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

    In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

    Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.

    In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex. The same law does'nt apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

    In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

    In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

    Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

    In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

    It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

    In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

    A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.

    It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

    Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.

    An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.

    In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

    No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

    Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.

    Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they're nude.

    In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

    The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude, nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

    An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

    A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

    In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

    In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

    It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

    A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

    Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while frolicking behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, the couple can face a jail term.

    Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—the thinking is that a man might see the reflection of something he shouldn't.

    Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores—with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

    In Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians. Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

    Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers.

    Maine licenses condom sellers and the licence must always be on public display.

    Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

    Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

  • A little knowledge...

    England fans stranded in one way street

    Two English football fans in Cologne lost their car after mistakenly thinking they had parked it on a road called 'One Way Street'.

    The pair wrote down 'Einbahn Strasse' - which means one-way street in German - so they didn't forget where they'd left the hire car.

    But when they came to find it again they found that every second street in the inner city was called 'Einbahn Strasse'.

    It was only when they found a policeman that they were told the sign was to inform drivers that they were on a one-way street.

    They finally managed to find their vehicle hours later with the help of the German police.

  • Abuse of the language.

    GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

    WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.

  • More Quotes About England And The English

    Arthur Wellesley (1769-1852) - the Duke of Wellington

    "The scum of the earth. The mere scum of the earth".

    (Describing his own army in the nineteenth century)

    George Orwell (1903-1950) - english author

    "In left-wing circles it is always felt that there is something slightly disgraceful in being an Englishman, and that it is a duty to snigger at every English institution, from horse racing to suet puddings. It is a strange fact, but it is unquestionably true, that almost any English intellectual would feel more ashamed of standing to attention during "God Save the King" than stealing from a poor box".

    Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "What is our policy?... To wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark lamentable catalogue of human crime. What is our aim?... Victory... Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory, however long and hard the road may be. For without victory, there is no survival".

    (Extract from a speech delivered on May 13th 1940)

    Arthur Bryant - historian

    "All ultimately intermarried to produce a race of many strains, which may account for the paradox that a people famed for stolid, patient, practical common-sense; a nation as Napoleon said, of "shopkeepers", has produced more adventurers, explorers and poets than probably any other in history".

    Charles Churchill (1731-1764) - English poet

    "Be England what she will. With all her faults, she is my country still".

    George Santayana - Spanish/American philosopher

    "Never, since the heroic days of Greece, has the world had such a sweet, just, boyish master".

    Douglas Jerrold (1803-1875) - English author & journalist

    "The best thing I know between England and France is the sea".

    (Re: The Anglo-French Alliance)

    English news paper headline

    "Fog in Channel - Continent cut off".

    Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher & poet

    "There are multitudes of young rude English who have the self sufficiency and bluntness of their nation, and who, with their disdain for the rest of mankind, and with this indigestion and choler, have made the English traveller a proverb for uncomfortable and offensive manner".

    eighteenth century French traveller

    "They will break panes of glass and smash the windows of coaches, and also knock you down without the slightest compunction. On the contrary, they will roar with laughter".

    (Upon attending a football game in 18th century England)

  • Unusual tales from around the world.

    New Yorkers who allow their mobile phones to ring during performances at the theatre or cinema are to be fined £30.

    A German schoolgirl has invented a bed for people who find it difficult to get up in the morning. It tips half an inch until the occupant is thrown to the floor.

    Council road sweepers who are clearing up the debris of fallen trees have been redesignated "leaf operatives".

    Barbara Lewis rejected the man offered to her by a dating agency in Slough, Berkshire. He was the husband she divorced in 1986.

    As he broke into a car in Texas a thief was killed by the owner - a hunter - who shot him with a bow and arrow.

    Hans Mueller of Frankfurt, Germany, sued a railway company after all the lavatories were out of order on this two-hour train journey. He was awarded £350 for unnecessary suffering.

    A smartly-dressed man in his thirties handed out more than £1000 in £5 notes to shoppers in Keighley, West Yorkshire, telling surprised recipients that the money was 'a present from Jesus'.

    Motorists are enjoying free parking at the Tesco store in Axminster, Devon, when it rains because solar-powered pay-and-display parking machines only work when it is sunny.

    An Israeli man who hired a prostitute suffered a heart attack when she arrived at his Red Sea hotel. She was his daughter.

    Matthew Palmer held up an off-licence (liquor store) in Brighton with a courgette in a brown paper bag, telling staff he had a gun. He was jailed for 2.5 years.

    Two zookeepers near Cologne have been suspended for eating the zoo animals. Police believe the men have eaten five Tibetan mountain chickens and two Cameroonian sheep.

    A Chinese tourist was refused entry to Russia after he set off a Geiger counter at the customs desk. Medical treatment for a thyroid disorder gave him a radiation reading 200 times higher than normal.

    Television bosses have changed the name of the new adaptation of Dr Zhivago to simply Zhivago. They were worried that viewers might think it was another medical drama.

    Clayton Pettman of Edenbridge, Kent, returned home from a safari holiday in Kenya to discover that he had won a a raffle to visit Longleat Safari Park.

    Clergyman Dorian Baxter has been sacked for impersonating Elvis Presley at funerals in Ontario, Canada.

    Police in Codstall, Staffordshire, stopped three teenage boys playing on their home-made wooden go-cart because it had no tax disc.

    Brian O'Neill of Hodge Lea, Buckinghamshire, caught his estranged wife in flagrante with her policeman lover. Mr O'Neill was arrested when he tried to stop them.

    A recent survey claims that the more gadgets a man has, the more attractive he is to women. It was sponsored by an electrical retail chain.

    A man in Swadlincote, Derbyshire, walked into his local police station and asked for the lost property department. He wanted to hand in a horse.

    The Royal Academy of Art is displaying a piece called The Dark Throttle which consists of a dirty pub bar complete with overflowing ashtrays and empty lager bottles - and charging £5 admission.

    A German sauna has banned a man found filming naked customers with a tiny camera hidden in a shower gel bottle.

    A motorway in New Zealand was rerouted after Maoris said that it would cross the lair of a legendary swamp monster.

    Bride Manuela Voicu went into labour at her wedding in Romania so the best man, Ion Vidican, put on her dress and stood in for her.

    An Iranian woman who cut off her husband's ear and handed it to him after he challenged her late arrival home one night was remanded in custody after telling a court in southern Teheran that she did it to "teach him a lesson"

    An Iranian paid a holy man the equivalent of several hundred pounds to make him invisible. Convinced that he could not be seen, he went into a bank in Teheran and helped himself to a large number of banknotes. The police arrested him.

    Burglar Karl Schulz of Dornbirn, Austria, took his dog with him on 50 raids. He was caught when police found a paw print at the scene of one robbery.

    A bankrupt plastics firm in Panicino, Bulgaria, paid off its staff in combs instead of cash.

    Two Japanese men went deer hunting at night near Mitsuishi on Hokkaido Island and managed to kill two prize racehorses and wound a third. They were worth a total of nearly £400,000.

    A dedicated fan of Gareth Gates missed meeting the pop star when he turned up at her house because her father had the television set on too loud.

    Nobody heard the doorbell when the singer paid a surprise visit to the home of Lisa Dragoonis, 15, in Griffnock, near Glasgow, after she had won a competition on his web site.

    A man from Hagen, Cologne, was arrested by police after drinking six pints of beer, stealing a child's tricycle and getting a taxi to tow him home. He was charged with drunk riding.

    Only two hotels in Las Vegas still put on shows by high-kicking showgirls compared to more than 40 in the sixties. There are, however, 200 lap-dancing clubs.

  • Will I Be Able To Do This?

    My mum's just phoned and asked about video ipods and I don't really know much about them.

    Ideally she would like to transfer all of their Daniel O'Donnell videos onto one of them using my computer.

    I told her that I haven't got the appropriate software installed on my computer and am not even sure if it would work with Windows 98SE.

    I'm able to download and save video files and suggested that I might be able to do it that way...I just need to search for any online videos.

    Will I still need to download any software; or will I need to install it from a disc that comes with the video ipod?

  • Ten Times

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
    increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    One, you have a dirty mind,
    Two, you didn't read your homework, and
    Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

  • Funny Definitions

    TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

    DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

    PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

    PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

    SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

    SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

    SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

    CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

    EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

    FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

    OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

    MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

    COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

    EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

    OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

    BUFFET -- A French word that means, "Get up and get it yourself".

    BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

    TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

  • Quotes about England and the English

    Cecil John Rhodes (1853-1902)

    "Ask any man what nationality he would prefer to be, and ninety nine out of a hundred will tell you that they would prefer to be Englishmen".

    Snorri Sturluson (1178-1241) - medieval norwegian writer

    "Some people reckoned up all King Harald's (King of Norway) great achievements, and said that nothing would be too difficult for him. But there were others who said that England would be very hard to conquer. It was very populous and the warriors who were known as the king's Housecarls were so valiant, that any one of them was worth two of the best in King Harald's army".

    (Referring to King Harold of Norway's forthcoming invasion of England - His Viking army was destroyed by Harold Godwinsson, King of England, at Stamford Bridge)

    Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) - American philosopher & poet

    "I feel in regard to this aged England, that she see a little better on a cloudy day and that, in a storm of battle and calamity, she has a secret vigour and a pulse like a cannon".

    Emmanuel van Meteren - Dutch merchant

    "The people are bold, courageous, ardent and cruel in war. But very inconstant, rash, vainglorious, light and deceiving. And very suspicious, especially of foreigners, whom they despise".

    General Smuts - South African leader (1940)

    "We must choose our friends for the future. I choose the country under which we suffered 40 to 50 years ago but who, when we were at their mercy, treated us as a Christian people".

    Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

    "There is a forgotten, nay almost forbidden word, which means more to me than any other. That word is England".

    unknown German author

    "The inhabitants are extremely proud and overbearing. They care little for foreigners, but scoff and laugh at them".

    (Describing visit to England by Frederick, Duke of Wurttemberg in 1592)

    King Harold II (1022-1066)

    "I will give him seven feet of English ground, or as much more as he may be taller than other men".

    (When asked, before the Battle of Stamford Bridge, what he would offer the invading Norwegian King)

    Bill Burford - author of "Among The Thugs"

    "Someone shouted that we were all English. Why are we running? The English don't run. And so it went on. Having fled in panic, some of the supporters would then remember that they were English and this was important, and they would remind the others that they too were English, and this was important, and with renewed sense of national identity, they would come abruptly to a halt, turn around, and charge the Italian police".

    (upon witnessing English football hooligans fighting a pitched battle with the Italian police, Sardinia 1990)

    Jean Froissart (1333-1410) - French poet

    "The more blood they shed, the crueller and more ruthless they become. They're fiery and furious, they quickly grow angry and take a long time to calm down".

    (Witnessing the character of English troops as they advanced through France in the 15th century)

  • The Funny English Language

    I found this and it's good fun - especially for those of you for whom English isn't your mother tongue, I should think.

    The Funny English Language

    We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes,
    But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

    The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
    Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
    Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men,
    Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
    And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that and three would be those,
    Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose,
    And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
    But though we say mother, we never say methren.

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

    So English, I fancy you will all agree,
    Is the funniest language you ever did see.

  • Why God Never Received His Ph.D

    He had only one major publication.
    It was in Hebrew.
    It had no references.
    It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
    Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
    It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
    The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
    He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
    When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
    When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
    He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
    Some say he had his son teach the class.
    He expelled his first two students for learning.
    Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
    His office hours were infrequent and often held on limited access

  • Emergency Call

    The following is supposedly a true story.

    Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

    The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

  • Strange

    What's happening with the stats page? I've just checked and noticed that the data for yesterday appears twice. The first time it appears the blog had 48 visitors and 394 pageviews and then, immediately above these figures, December 7th appears again, this time with only one visitor and one pageview.

    Who is this special person who's managed to create an extra day just for himself/herself? Very strange.

  • Brezhnev's Speech

    The following is supposedly a true story.

    Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:

    "Dear Comrade Imperialists,"

    The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...

    "Dear Comrade Imperialists,"

    Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:

    "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There was also a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's (a former ruler of Russia) speeches ran six hours is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy. In fact, there was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.

  • Two British Eccentrics

    We British [or at least, the upper classes] are renowned for our eccentric behaviour. Here are two examples I've found - neither of whom I've come across before.

    Lord Berners (1883 - 1950)

    Lord Berners (Gerald Tyrwhitt), a product of Eton, is a truly great example of the English eccentric. He was a distinguished diplomat, writer and composer, and also indulged in unorthodox collecting. In this particular case it was other people’s calling or visiting cards. The reason for this was as unusual as the collection itself. When he loaned his house in Rome to friends, he would select from his collection the cards of the most notorious bores in London society. His butler in Rome was then instructed to deliver one or two of the cards each day. By this means the guests would spend much of their holiday diving for cover every time they heard someone at the door!

    At Faringdon House he kept whippets, which were decorated with diamond collars, and his doves were dyed in various pastel shades – harmless vegetable dyes actually provided in 1937 by Vera Sudeikina, later to become the wife of Stravinsky - a tradition I am pleased to say, repeated each Easter by the National Trust.

    The notice on the door reads, 'It is requested that all hats be removed'.
    Notices around the Faringdon estate read:

    Dogs will be shot: cats will be whipped –
    although of course they weren’t.

    In 1935 he constructed the Faringdon Folly, a 140-foot tower of his own design in the parkland surrounding his home. When asked what purpose it served he explained: ‘The great point of the tower is that it will be entirely useless’. To discourage anyone who thought of one obvious use for it, he put up a notice reading:

    Members of the public committing suicide from this tower do so at their own risk.

    The Faringdon tower - a wonderful folly; well preserved, and absolutely no reason for its existence except to be itself. People laugh at follies, but in architecture and building they are the equivilant of the most useless theorems of pure mathematics (the kind of mathematics that G. H. Hardy loved), or the most abstract poetry.

    Even when he was a well-known public figure, Lord Berners adopted the most bizarre methods of keeping other passengers out of his railway carriage. At each stop he would don a black skull-cap and spectacles, lean out of the window and beckon invitingly to potential invaders. This was normally quite effective, but if some adventurous spirit remained undeterred and insisted on joining him he had another trick up his sleeve. He produced a large clinical thermometer every few minutes and took his own temperature, studying each reading with increasing gloom. Needless to say, the intruder usually left at the earliest opportunity!
    Lord Berners also trained a parrot to walk across the floor of Faringdon Hall beneath a bowler hat, so that it seemed to visitors that the hat was moving about by itself. This did not bother his aged mother in the least, as by then she probably knew her son's proclivities fairly well. A biography was published in 1999, 'Lord Berners: The Last Eccentric' by Maurice Amory.

    Lord Berners was undoubtedly talented. When he wished to paint a portrait of a horse however, he did not bother to go to the stables – the horse came into the house! He had a small clavichord installed in the rear of his Rolls Royce to enable him to compose while on long journeys.

    The Hon. Maurice Baring (1874 - 1945)

    A contemporary of Lord Berners, the Honourable Maurice Baring, was a member of the famous banking family, poet, diplomat, essayist, war correspondent and a noted ‘leafomaniac’. Baring did not collect books, he collected pages from books. If he came upon an interesting passage he would simply tear out the page and paste into a notebook. It should be said that at least his habit was confined to his own books and not volumes from the local library. However, once he had extracted what he wanted he simply gave the books away. Every time he moved house he gave away his entire library and started again. No doubt the recipients were somewhat bemused to find several of the pages missing from each of the volumes…

    In fact Maurice Baring took this carefree attitude to all of his posessions, not only his own library. On one occasion while travelling by train on the continent, he was chatting with a friend while trying to put his new overcoat into his suitcase. Finding that is would not fit inside, he threw it out of the window – then continued his conversation…

    He was fond of non-sesequitorial humour, and once bought some postage stamps in Florence, insisting that they be 'freschi' (fresh) since 'they were for an invalid'.

    Baring was received into the Roman Catholic Church in 1909, which he described as 'the only action in my life which I am quite certain I have never regretted'. It does seem to be a guarantee of eccentricity, if G.K. Chesterton and Evelyn Waugh are anything to go by. In his last years he owned a blue budgerigar named Dempsey, who would perch on his bald head whilst he talked with somewhat disconcerted visitors.

    He died in 1945, eleven days before Christmas, and a friend wrote of him, 'I cannot but believe that at the General Resurrection Maurice Baring...will be the most warmly greeted of the greatest number and variety of his fellow creatures from every country and continent...'

  • Water on Mars

    I've just got in and switched on the TV and there's a live NASA press conference on Sky News announcing that images takin by the Global Surveyor satellite orbiting Mars show evidence of the presence of water flowing on the surface of the planet.

    This is exciting; but somewhat puzzling - I always thought that the surface of Mars is to cold for liquid water to exist (it would be ice). Maybe it's there because of volcanic activity?...Maybe this water contains microbial life? Who knows.

  • The Accountant

    A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same
    job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two
    plus two equal?"The mathemetician replies "Four."
    The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
    The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes,
    four, exactly."Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks
    the same
    question "What do two plus two equal?"
    The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but
    on average, four."
    Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question
    "What do two plus two equal?"
    The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
    to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

  • Attractions near Doncaster

    Doncaster Museum and Art Gallery
    Opened in 1964 as a purpose-built Museum to display important collections of natural history, archaeology, local history, fine and decorative art.
    Museum of South Yorkshire Life (2 Miles)*
    The Museum is undergoing major restoration work and is closed to the public until Spring 2007.
    Hatfield Water Park (6 Miles)*
    The Water Park Lake is used for canoeing, dinghy sailing, windsurfing and sub-aqua. Structured RYA and BCU Courses are run at the Water Park for both adults and juniors.
    Epworth Old Rectory (12 Miles)*
    Samuel Wesley built the house in 1709 after fire had destroyed the earlier building from which John was rescued as 'a brand plucked from the burning'.
    Pontefract Park Racecourse (13 Miles)*
    Extensive improvements over the past few years have made Pontefract one of the best appointed courses of its kind in the Country. There are modern bars and refreshment areas in all enclosures.
    Wetlands Waterfowl Reserve (13 Miles)*
    Set in 32 acres of tranquil lakes and woodland the Wetlands Waterfowl Reserve has an Exotic Bird Sanctuary and two large lakes with fishing.
    Mr Straws House (15 Miles)*
    Mr Straw's is a semi-detached house built in 1905, it is unchanged inside since the 1930s.
    Wentworth Castle Gardens (16 Miles)*
    Wentworth Castle Gardens have a Grade 1 listing on the English Heritage Register of Parks and Gardens. They contain features which are either unique or amongst the first of their kind to be built and are rich in garden structures from the 18th century.
    Harley Gallery (18 Miles)*
    The Harley Foundation is based in the Ducal Estate of Welbeck. As well as offering studio space and grant-aid to artists and craftspeople, it also funds an art gallery and full programme of exhibitions and events.
    Creswell Crags Museum and Education Centre (18 Miles)*
    Creswell Crags is one of the most important archaeological sites in Britain. It was used as a seasonal camp by Ice Age hunters over 45,000 years ago.
    Wakefield Cathedral (18 Miles)*
    The ancient Parish Church of All Saints, Wakefield became the Cathedral Church of All Saints in 1888, when the Diocese of Wakefield was carved out of Ripon Diocese.
    Cawthorne Museum (18 Miles)*
    The Cawthorne Museum Society was founded in 1884 by the Rev. Charles Tiplady Pratt who was vicar of the parish at the time. He encouraged the young people of the village to become interested in Natural History and start a museum collection.
    Wakefield Museum (18 Miles)*
    Explore the sights and sounds of the rainforest as you enter the world of Wakefield explorer and early conservationist Charles Waterton
    Wakefield Art Gallery (18 Miles)*
    Significant early works by the highly acclaimed locally born sculptors Henry Moore and Barbara Hepworth, and important work by other major British modern artists, form the core of this collection.
    Sheffield Botanical Garden (18 Miles)*
    Sheffield Botanical Gardens were designed in 1834 by Robert Marnock, a leading horticulturalist and landscape designer. The Gardens are listed by English Heritage as a Grade II site of special historic and architectural interest.
    * Distances shown are in a direct line. Distances by road will be longer.

  • Interesting Situation

    It's the tea break on the last day of the second test in Adelaide and England have just been bowled out for 129; setting Australia a target of 168 to win from thirty six overs. Should be an interesting final session - will Australia get the runs, or will England hang on for a draw?

  • Bloomingdale's

    A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

  • Any Suggestions?

    I've recently found out that the free version of Grisoft AVG anti-virus protection I've been using for the last eighteen months is going to be discontinued in January.

    I know I get some sort of protection through my BT Broadband subscription; but will this be sufficient and is there any alternative free ant-virus protection available online?

  • The Twelve Days of Christmas

    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With dearest love and affection,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 15th
    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 16th
    Dear John:
    Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist... you're just too kind.

    Love,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 17th
    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 18th
    Dearest John:

    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,
    Agnes
    .................................................................
    December 19th
    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

    Cordially,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 20th
    John:

    What's with you and those darn birds??? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of sick joke is this? There's bird dropping's all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......STOP WITH THE BIRDS!

    Sincerely,
    Agnes
    .................................................................

    December 21st
    OK Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own gosh darn cows. There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move into my own
    house. Just lay off me. JERK.

    Ag
    .................................................................

    December 22nd
    Hey SICK-O:

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And goodness - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, I NEVER FORGET!

    From Ag
    .................................................................
    December 23rd

    You Rotten *&^$!:

    Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been "extra friendly" with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a brown river. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it,
    Ag
    .................................................................

    December 24th
    Now Listen:

    What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? (It seems they mainly leap on those maids and aforementioned "ladies") Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been harassing the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, YOU ROTTEN SWINE!

    Your sworn enemy,
    Miss Agnes McCallister
    .................................................................

    December 25th
    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    Sincerely,
    The law offices Taker, Shaker, and Badger

  • A few facts about men from the female point of view.

    I've just found these. I'm not commenting on them though. I'll leave that to others.

    A Few Facts About Men
    1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

    2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

    3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

    4. Men are very confident people. Guys are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team.

    5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

    6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

    7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

    8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

    9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

    10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

    11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

    12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

    13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

    14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

    15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

    16. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

    17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

    18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

    19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

    20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

    21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

    22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

    23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

    24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

    25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

    26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

  • Upgrade

    I've just received a telephone call from BT saying that they'll be increasing my broadband speed to 8mbps, reducing my monthly payment by £2, and providing me with enhanced online security and a free wireless router (which unfortunately I wont be able to take advantage of.)

    Not a bad deal.

  • Stupid People

    Did I say that ???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or I'll shoot. The man shouted, that's not what I said.

    Are we communicating ??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Is this her first child? the doctor asked. No the man shouted, This is her husband.

    Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (helllllllooooooooo)

    The Grand Finale . . . .

    This is a true story. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE) . Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

  • Rent for Apartment

    A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.00.
    When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it "Rent for Apartment."
    On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:

    Dear Madam,
    Enclosed find check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

    1. It had never been occupied.
    2. There was plenty of heat.
    3. It was small.

    Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.

    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

    Dear Sir:
    I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on and if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, don't blame me.

  • A quick response

    I've just received a letter from my MP about my Housing Benefit appeal.

    If I write back and provide more details she has promised to contact both the local council and the DSS on my behalf.

    Although this is good news, and I will be taking her up on her offer; there is no mention in the letter of my criticism of government policy.

  • More puns, I'm afraid.

    These 'Clever Puns' were culled from April 2003 edition of the Federal Superannuates National Association Vancouver Branch Newsletter.

    Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
    A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
    A good pun is its own reword.
    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
    Dijon-vu - the same mustard as before.
    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
    Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
    When you dream in colour, it is a pigment of your imagination.

  • Terms in job adverts.

    Have you been searching the employment ads for a new job? Here's a helpful list of common job terms!

    Salary - you don't get paid for overtime
    Professional Atmosphere - you have to dress up everyday
    Casual Atmosphere - you work with a bunch of slobs
    Excellent Benefits - you get health care, but no dental
    Good benefits - you get paid vacations, but only after you/ve been there a year
    Benefits - you get free coffee
    Life and Disability Insurance Benefit - dangerous work
    Flexible Hours - you have to stay late to meet deadlines
    Small Company - you have to do everything yourself
    Growing Company - you have to act like you know what you're doing
    Established Company - don't try to change anything
    Dynamic Company - our stock price fluctuates wildly
    Entry-level - you have to do the dirty work
    On the Job Training - you have to figure it out yourself
    No experience necessary - mindless job, minimum wage
    Work outdoors - work outdoors in the rain
    Customer Service - people complain to you all day
    Team-Oriented - be prepared to take the blame
    Career-minded Individuals Required - we want you to work here for 30 years
    Apply in person - we discriminate against ugly people
    Fast-paced environment - stressful
    Work Independently - there will be no one to help you
    Transportation Required - you're going to put a lot of miles on your car
    Some travel required - travel all the time
    Computer proficiency required - you will sit in a cubicle all day
    Suburban work environment - sit in traffic on your way to work
    Downtown location - you have to pay for parking
    Must have own truck - must have your own truck and your own equipment, too

  • It was nice while it lasted.

    I've just received a telephone call from C.... telling me that she's seeing someone else.

    Apparently, I'm a nice bloke; very caring and considerate...and a good listener; and can we still be friends?

    Just like it was last time with M....

    What on Earth do you women want, because I'll be damned if I know?

  • A strange medical story.

    A Polish man who had his tongue removed has had a new one made using tissue taken from his buttocks.

    Jarislav Ernst, 23, from Gliwice, now has a functioning tongue made from his backside after surgery at the Oncology Clinic in Gliwice's General Hospital.

    Head doctor Stanislaw Poltorek said: "The new tongue is alive and well-supplied with blood, and the patient is doing well."

    Mr Ernst's tongue was removed after it was diagnosed with cancer.

    Dr Poltorek added: "We removed the tumour-filled tongue, checking that there were no remaining cancerous cells around the patient's mouth, then collected skin, fat and nerve tissue from the man's buttocks and modelled that into a new tongue, which we sewed into his mouth."

  • Memorandum

    MEMORANDUM
    From: Headquarters - New York
    To: General Managers

    Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years.

    Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: General Manager
    To: Managers

    By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Manager
    To: All Department Chiefs

    By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Department Chief
    To: Section Chiefs

    Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Section Chief
    To: All EA's

    When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the Phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

  • Twenty funny reasons why it's better to be a woman.

    I don't know if they're all funny, but they're certainly all true!

    1. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    2. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.

    3. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.

    4. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.

    5. Women live longer than men.

    6. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.

    7. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    8. Women know the truth about whether size matters...

    9. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.

    10. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.

    11. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.

    12. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.

    13. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.

    14. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.

    15. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.

    16. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.

    17. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.

    18. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.

    19. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.

    20. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.

  • Rejection Letter

    Dear Ms. Jones:

    Thank you for your letter of August 4. After careful
    consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
    your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
    have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
    number of rejection letters.

    With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it
    is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

    Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous
    experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
    does not meet with my needs at this time.

    Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately
    following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

    Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

    Sincerely,

    Carl J. Vale