I've just received a telephone call from C.... telling me that she's seeing someone else.

Apparently, I'm a nice bloke; very caring and considerate...and a good listener; and can we still be friends?

Just like it was last time with M....

What on Earth do you women want, because I'll be damned if I know?

A Polish man who had his tongue removed has had a new one made using tissue taken from his buttocks.

Jarislav Ernst, 23, from Gliwice, now has a functioning tongue made from his backside after surgery at the Oncology Clinic in Gliwice's General Hospital.

Head doctor Stanislaw Poltorek said: "The new tongue is alive and well-supplied with blood, and the patient is doing well."

Mr Ernst's tongue was removed after it was diagnosed with cancer.

Dr Poltorek added: "We removed the tumour-filled tongue, checking that there were no remaining cancerous cells around the patient's mouth, then collected skin, fat and nerve tissue from the man's buttocks and modelled that into a new tongue, which we sewed into his mouth."

MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years.

Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

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MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

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MEMORANDUM

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

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MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

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MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the Phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

I don't know if they're all funny, but they're certainly all true!

1. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

2. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.

3. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.

4. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.

5. Women live longer than men.

6. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.

7. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

8. Women know the truth about whether size matters...

9. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.

10. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.

11. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.

12. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.

13. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.

14. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.

15. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.

16. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.

17. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.

18. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.

19. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.

20. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.

Dear Ms. Jones:

Thank you for your letter of August 4. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters.

With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it
is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately
following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Carl J. Vale