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Archives for: December 2006, 15

My comments about England and the English

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 20:51:16

Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson

"England expects that every man will do his duty".

(Message to his men before the Battle of Trafalgar)

Ogden Nash - American humorist

"Let us pause to consider the English. Who when they pause to consider themselves they get all reticently thrilled and tinglish, because every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz; that to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is".

Arthur Murray

"The people of England are never as happy as when you tell them they are ruined".

(From "The Upholsterer" - 1758)

William Shakespeare

"This blessed plot, this earth, this realm. This England, this nurse, this teaming womb of royal kings".

(John of Gaunt's speech in Richard II)

William Shakespeare

"We few. We happy few. We band of brothers...".

(King Henry's call to arms of the English army before the battle of Agincourt)

William Shakespeare

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard favoured rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect.
On, on you noblest English!
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof;
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought,
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument.
And you, good yeomen,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here the mettle of your pasture.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit; and upon this charge
Cry "God for Harry! England and Saint George".

(Henry V - Henry urges his men into the attack at the Siege of Harfleur)

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"When I warned them (the French Government) that Britain would fight on alone whatever they did, their generals told their Prime Minister and his divided Cabinet, "In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken." Some chicken! Some neck!".

(Speech to Canadian Parliament 1941)

George Borrow (1803-1881) - English writer

"Let no one sneer at the bruisers of England - What were the gladiators of Rome or the bull fighters of Spain, in its palmist days, compared to England's bruisers?".

Rupert Brooke (1887-1915) - English poet

"If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
A body of England's, breathing English air,
Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven".

("The Soldier" - 1914)

Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603)

"I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King, and of a King of England too; and think foal scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm".

(Speech to the troops at Tilbury on the approach of the Armada 1588)


 
 

One for the ladies.

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 19:52:39

Something I found on a forum somewhere.

If you call me a bitch, then a bitch is a female dog, and dogs bark, and bark is on trees, and trees are nature, and nature is beautiful! so thanks for the compliment!

Don't forget to chew the water.

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 18:37:40

The Indian government releases thousands of scavenger turtles into the Ganges River each year to help it recycle thousands of decomposing human bodies thrown into it each year. Whole corpses, along with partially cremated bodies, are traditionally thrown into this river by Hindus who believe the water has Holy properties. (Third class families, of which there are millions, usually can not afford to buy enough wood to properly cremate their loved ones. So, symbolically, they burn what they can, then throw the rest into the river.)

In vino veritas.

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 17:01:22

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Due to be upgraded.

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 16:06:06

My broadband is scheduled to be upgraded to 8mbps sometime between 8pm tonight and 8am in the morning. I'm assuming that the engineers have already started work on my line because when I tried to log on earlier the service was down.

I'm not sure what benefits this improved service will bring me; it would be nice if the videos I watch on YouTube would have the audio and video synchronised but I think this has more to do with the speed of my processor (1.7mHz) and the efficiency of the server.

Some terrible Christmas Jokes

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 14:55:47

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has NO EL.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

How does Santa Claus take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
They both drop their needles!

Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph!

What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claus!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!

Why did the little boy push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

I wonder if she won her case.

by lee954 @ 15 Dec. 2006 - 06:12:35

January 16, 1993

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.


 
 

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