Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer - who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

I recently posted an entry about a tsunami possibly hitting England early in the seventeenth century and killing two thousand people. Well here's a report of another disaster which affected the UK.

Link to original post.

A little over 200 years ago, the eruption of a volcano in Iceland sent a huge toxic cloud across Western Europe. It was the greatest natural disaster to hit modern Britain, killing many thousands - but it has been almost forgotten by history.

"Such multitudes are indisposed by fevers in this country that farmers have difficulty gathering their harvest, the labourers having been almost every day carried out of the field incapable of work and many die."

So wrote Hertfordshire poet William Cowper in the summer of 1783.

Across the country, newspapers reported the presence of a thick smog, and a dull sun, "coloured like it has been soaked in blood".

The cloud first reached Britain on the 22 June 1783. In his Naturalist's Journal, Gilbert White reported: "The peculiar haze or smoky fog that prevailed in this island and even beyond its limits was a most extraordinary appearance, unlike anything known within the memory of man."

The killer cloud lasted weeks, if not months, and engulfed much of Western Europe - as thousands of kilometres away in Iceland, the volcano Laki continued to erupt.

Millions of tonnes of toxic gas were carried by the prevailing winds across Scandinavia and eventually to Britain.

The cloud contained sulphur dioxide and sulphuric acid which attacked the lungs of its victims, choking and killing men and women, rich and poor alike.

Forgotten disaster

The events are better documented in Iceland where up to a third of the population died. Yet, incredibly, the British tragedy wrought by Laki has been largely forgotten.

Evidence now brought together by BBC Two's Timewatch makes clear the extent of the disaster.

Panic and fear were widespread - as was death. But just how many died, no-one knew until recently.

Dr John Grattan of Aberystwyth University, Wales, has spent a decade scrutinising hundreds of local parish records looking for evidence of Laki's deadly effect.

"In Maulden (in Bedfordshire) the normal number of people who might be expected to have died in the summer would be about four or five - and in the summer of 1783 seventeen people die here.

Acid rain, smog and extreme weather hit Britain for months

Impact on Britain
"In nearby Cranfield, 23 people die in the summer and usually they'd see about six. And in Ampthill, it's 11 and usually it's about five. So parish by parish, these numbers add up considerably."

Dr Grattan's research revealed a similar pattern across the county, and across much of eastern and central England.

From the fives and tens in each parish, Laki's death toll increases into the hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands.

In total, he estimates Laki's killer cloud took the lives of 23,000 British men and women, making it the greatest natural disaster in modern British history. France and other countries were similarly hit.

And it could happen again. Iceland has 18 volcanoes that have been active in recent centuries, the greatest concentration anywhere on the planet.

"There will be another one," says leading vulcanologist Professor Stephen Self, of the Open University, who has studied the Laki eruption.

"It's difficult to predict what size it will be, but there will be future events like this from Iceland.

"Ash clouds, gas clouds, sulphuric acid clouds from Iceland could sweep across Britain again."

Ananova:

Cat and mouse case for cops

Police were called in after a cat tried to pull a mouse out of a jam jar and got its head stuck.

Officers said the incident was reminiscent of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, reports the Peterborough Evening Telegraph.

A motorist went to a police station for help after finding the cat wandering beside a road in Peterborough, with the jar on its head and the mouse millimetres from its nose.

A receptionist and three officers pulled and twisted but were unable to release the cat.

Eventually the animal freed itself - and the mouse - by smashing the jar on the floor of Thorpe Wood police station.

"It was like a scene from Tom and Jerry," said a police spokeswoman.

"I don't think anyone had ever seen anything like it before. The mouse ran off - it's still running around Thorpe Wood police station somewhere."

Romantics searching for a Valentine's Day present with a difference are being urged to consider a car number plate.

Registrations beginning 'KI55' will be available on the DVLA website from February 1 - just in time for the big day.

Some 10,000 number plates will be available including 'KI55 BLE', 'KI55 XME' and - for the less discreet - 'KI55 TEL'.

Another 10,000 registrations beginning with 'MI55' will also be up for grabs for the first time, including 'M155 EDU' and 'M155 XME'.

Louise Pierpoint, publicity manager for DVLA Personalised Registrations commented: "A lot of imagination goes in to choosing the perfect personalised registration for someone."

A mechanic was working on a BMW when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. He shouted across the garage "Hey Doc., can I ask you a question?" The Doctor joined him. "So Doc., look at this layout. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them all back together again, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work??

The surgeon smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running".

How To Come Home Drunk and Still Get a Hot Breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.

Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!

He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-in on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."

"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...

...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

Research into the devastating 1607 flood that affected Burnham-On-Sea and the Bristol Channel in January 1607 has, since 2002, been the subject of a study between Dr Simon Haslett, Head of Geography at Bath Spa University College, author of Coastal Systems and Dr Ted Bryant, School of Geosciences at the University of Wollongong, Australia, author of Tsunami: the Underrated Hazard.

The flood occurred around 9am on the '20th January 1607', although in the modern calendar this is the 30th January 1607. The event is recorded on plaques in a number of churches, including those at Kingston Seymour in Somerset, and in Monmouthshire at Goldcliff, St. Brides, Redwick and Peterstone.

1607 Flood Casualties:

The breaking of the sea bank at Burnham-On-Sea led to some 30 villages being utterly inundated, and their cattle destroyed, and men, women and children besides. The accounts state that 28 people were drowned at Huntspill and 26 at Brean, a death toll that was repeated in many other villages.
At Appledore, Devon, a 60 tonne ship was well-laden and ready to sail and was driven by the wave onto marshy ground well above high tide, likely never to be recovered.
In Barnstaple, Devon, the wave burst open doors that were locked and bolted and knocked down many walls and houses, one of which was the house of a James Frost in that the roof and walls collapsed and killed both him and two of his children.
Near Newport, Gwent, a wealthy women, Mistress Van, lived four miles from the sea and although she saw the wave approaching from her house she could not get upstairs before it rushed through and drowned her.
In Monmouthshire, "a maide child, not passing the age of foure years: it is reported that the mother thereof, perceiving the waters to breake so fast into her house, and not being able to escape with it, and having no clothes on, set it upon a beame in the house, to save it from being drowned. And the waters rushing in a pace, a little chicken as it seemeth, flew up unto it [the child], (it being found in the bosome of it, when helpe came to take it [the child] downe) and by the heate thereof, as it is thought, preserved the childe's life".
In Monmouthshire, "Another little childe is affirmed to have been cast uppon land in a cradle, in which was nothing but a catte [cat], the which was discerned as it came floating to the shoare, to leape still from one side of the cradle unto the other, even as if she had been appointed steresman to preserve the small barke from the waves furie".
In Monmouthshire, "A certain man and woman having taken a tree for their succour, espying nothing but death before their eyes, at last among other things which were carried along, they perceived a certain tubbe of great bignesse to come nearer and nearer unto them, until it rested upon that tree wherein they were, committed themselves, and were carried safe until they were cast upon the drie shore".
In Monmouthshire, "more than did, had perished for want of food, and extreme cold, had not the Rt. Honble. Lord Herbert .... sent out boats to relieve the distresse .... himself goping to such houses as he could minister to their provision of meate and other necessaries".

The Kingston Seymour plaque reads: "An inundation of the sea water by overflowing and breaking down the Sea banks; happened in this Parish of Kingstone-Seamore, and many others adjoining; by reason whereof many Persons were drown'd and much Cattle and Goods, were lost: the water in the Church was five feet high and the greatest part lay on the ground about ten days. WILLIAM BOWER"

The idea that the 1607 flood was due to a tsunami was first put forward by Haslett and Bryant in a scientific paper published in 2002 in the journal Archaeology in the Severn Estuary.

A number of historical documents exist that describe the event and its aftermath. An area from Barnstaple in north Devon, up the Bristol Channel and Severn Estuary to Gloucester, then along the South Wales coast around to Cardigan was affected, some 570 km of coastline.

The coastal population was devastated with at least 2,000 fatalities according to one of the contemporary sources.

In some parts of the coast the population never recovered from the social and economic disaster.

Haslett and Bryant were led to think that the 1607 flood was caused by a tsunami, rather than a storm, for a number of reasons:

1. Some historical accounts indicate that the weather was fine e.g. "for about nine of the morning, the same being most fayrely and brightly spred, many of the inhabitants of these countreys prepared themselves to their affayres" and the ship at Appldedore (see above) is unlikely to be ready to sail in stormy weather.
2. The sea appears to have been "driven back" i.e. retreated out to sea, before the wave struck, a classic tsunami herald.
3. The wave appeared as "mighty hilles of water tombling over one another in such sort as if the greatest mountains in the world had overwhelmed the lowe villages or marshy grounds. Sometimes it dazzled many of the spectators that they imagined it had bin some fogge or mist coming with great swiftness towards them and with such a smoke as if mountains were all on fire, and to the view of some it seemed as if myriads of thousands of arrows had been shot forth all at one time." This is very similar to descriptions of more recent tsunami, such as the tsunami associated with the eruption of Krakatau in 1883, where accounts refer to the sea as being 'hilly', and the reference to dazzling, fiery mountains, and myriads of arrows, is reminiscent of accounts of tsunami on the Burin Peninsula (Newfoundland) in 1929, where the wave crest was shining like car headlights, and in Papua New Guinea in 1998 where the wave was frothing and sparkling.

4. The speed of the wave appears to have been faster than a storm flood as the wave is 'affirmed to have runne …. with a swiftness so incredible, as that no gray-hounde could have escaped by running before them'.

In the summer of 2004, Haslett and Bryant embarked on field work in the area to record any physical impacts of the proposed 1607 tsunami that might still be left in the landscape. They found:
Erosion of rock at the coast that is characteristic of erosion caused by high velocity water flow. This includes two large chunks of farmland on the Severn Estuary north of Bristol that were simply washed away, one where the foundation of the Second Severn Crossing is, and the other is now the reservoir for the Oldbury Nuclear Power Station;
The deposition of layers of sand over wide areas at the time, discovered in boreholes in the ground from north Devon to Gloucestershire to the Gower;
Large boulders that are only easily moved by tsunami waves have been found stacked like dominoes at and above the high tide limits all along the coast.

These signatures of tsunami enable Haslett and Bryant to estimate the scale of the proposed tsunami wave and its affects.

Tsunami height - In the open sea area between north Devon and Pembrokeshire, the wave was just under 4m (13ft) high, but as it entered the constricting funnel-shaped Bristol Channel and Severn Estuary, the wave increased in height to 5m (16ft) along the Glamorgan coast, 5.5m (18ft) along the Somerset coast, and over 7.5m (25ft) high, by the time it reached the Monmouthshire coast. This increase in wave height due to the funnel-shape of the estuary is exactly the same as the process that creates the famous Severn Bore.

Tsunami speed - The speed (velocity) of a tsunami is related to its height, so as it moved up estuary and got squeezed between the opposing shores of England and Wales, it got faster, striking the coast at just over 12 m/sec (27mph) in north Devon and southwest Wales, to just under 14 m/sec (31mph) along the Glamorgan coast, to 14.5 m/sec (32mph) in Somerset, and over 17 m/sec (38mph) in Monmouthshire. This agrees well with the contemporary observations regarding the speed of the wave.

Tsunami inundation - On the flat coastal areas the tsunami was able to penetrate a considerable distance inland. The maximum inland penetration possible of a moving tsunami wave in north Devon and southwest Wales would have been just under 2.5 km (1.55 miles), in Glamorgan just over 3 km (1.86 miles), in Somerset just under 4 km (2.5 miles), and in Monmouthshire just under 6 km (3.7 miles). This agrees well with the accounts of the wave reaching up to 4 miles inland at Cardiff and in Monmouthshire. The fact that the floodwaters reached further inland in places, such as to the foot of Glastonbury Tor (14 miles inland) is due to the fact that the landsurface actually slopes landward in many of the coastal wetland areas, such as the Somerset Levels, so once the wave collapsed the water flowed landward under gravity rather than back to the sea.

A possible cause of the proposed tsunami is not yet known, but the possibilities include a landslide off the continental shelf between Ireland and Cornwall, or an earthquake along an active fault system in the sea south of Ireland. This fault system has apparently experienced an earthquake greater than magnitude 4 on the Richter scale within the last 20 years, so the chance of a bigger tsunami earthquake is a possibility. It may also have been a combination, in that an earthquake might have triggered a submarine slide.

This article was adapted from the findings of a Bath Spa University College study issued by Dr Simon Haslett FGS, FRGS.

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.

The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Belching motorist overturns ban

It was argued that a burp had inflated the breath-test reading
A motorist has had a 12-month drink-drive ban overturned after he successfully argued that his breath test reading was affected by burping.
O Sang Ng was banned for 12 months after admitting the offence to Basingstoke magistrates last year.

But the 46-year-old from Winchester, Hants, appealed saying the intoximeter reading was affected by a burp.

A High Court judge ruled that a belch can be a "special reason" for not disqualifying a driver.

O Sang Ng, of Hambledon Close, was fined £130 last January after admitting driving with excess alcohol.

He had been stopped while driving his Ford Escort in Andover Road, Winchester.

The breath test revealed 53 mcg of alcohol in 100 millilitres of breath. The legal limit is 35mcg.

Artificially inflated

In April, he tried to argue that the reading was artificially inflated by an eructation - or burp - but District Judge Gillian Babington-Browne ruled the belch was "connected to the offender and not the offence" and was not a "special reason" to overturn his driving ban.

At a later court hearing, the disqualification was suspended pending a High Court Appeal.

Allowing O Sang Ng's appeal, Mr Justice Owen said the district judge had erred in law.

"I am satisfied that in this case the evidence upon which the appellant sought to rely before the district judge was directly connected to the offence," he said.

The disqualification was set aside and the case was sent back to magistrates for reconsideration.

After the case, O Sang Ng's barrister Mary Aspinall-Miles explained that a burp "may" elevate a breath alcohol reading for a specimen sample as it was effectively a concentrated gas bubble from the stomach.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'

More unusual search strings entered into search engines to find this blog.

Edison bulb optimist

castor oil cure my sick Jade houseplant

politically correct terms for dirty old man

her long sharp fingernail gouging my rectum

Yorkshire Lucas the Kop cat

I should be at a friend's fiftieth birthday party, but I was the only person to turn up. It's all bit a bit embarrassing for him.

I've nothing any better to do on a Saturday evening and so here I am blogging. [I did have a good afternoon though; V... visited and we enjoyed a canoodle for nearly three hours.

Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practise your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?

Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

And the number one Biblical saying of mothers is:

1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you moved to. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

BATHROOM Theorem: When you are the only one in a 10 stall bathroom, the next person to come in will use the one right next to you. (This never fails)

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Modern Proverbs for All Occasions:

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met
everybody.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Half The People In The World Are Below Average

Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.

Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times
more
memory.

VILLAGE OF THE BANNED
THE MUSIC AUNTIE BEEB DIDN’T WANT YOU TO HEAR
Because society forever teeters on the brink of social, moral and political collapse, we, as the citizens of this society, cannot be trusted to think for ourselves. Because of this we have always looked to the authorities to protect us from dangerous ideas, concepts and ideals, and for many years the BBC was as the frontline, leading the crusade by fighting evil with a big stick, and a sock full of gravel. Though BBC Radio no longer officially “bans” a single when it has the potential to outrage public decency, it will instead quietly keep it off of the playlists.

Recent examples of such soft-banning have included The Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch Up, in which the band implored you to smack their bitch up, and Cliff Richard’s Millennium Prayer, in which he effectively implored listeners to smack him up, the bitch. Astonishingly, the risible God-cash-in wasn’t the first Cliff record to be banned. His 1972 single Honky Tonk Angel was removed from playlists at the behest of Cliff himself, after he discovered that the title and lyrics referred to prostitution. Clearly, when agreeing to record the song Cliff hadn’t realised that this was the sort of angel who charged money to let you through her pearly gates and play her harp… Status Quo were so outraged when their appalling cover version of the Beach Boys’ Fun Fun Fun failed to make playlists in 1995 that they unsuccessfully attempted to sue the BBC for being “ageist”. Surprisingly, the high-profile court battle isn’t mentioned on the otherwise comprehensive band history to be found on the official Quo website.

Possibly most famous example of Radio One-bannage was Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg’s J’Taime, in 1969. Aside from the song’s suggestive heavy breathing, Gainsbourg urging the listener to go “entre tes reins” (between your kidneys) was considered by the moral watchdogs to be a reference to anal sex. And they were probably right. Likewise, Pete Shelley’s Homosapien was excluded from the playlist in the early 80s for the line “Homo Superior in my interior”, and Scott Walker’s Jackie outraged BBC bosses, who were clearly personally offended by references to “Authentic queers”.

Famously, in 1983 Radio One DJ Mike “Myfanwy” Read sussed the worst-kept non-secret in music. Having just played Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Relax, the red-faced and fuming twat apologised to listeners for not realising that the lyrics “Relax, just do it, when you want to suck to it, Relax, just do it, when you want to come,” were a reference to ejaculation and possible homosexual activities, such as bum-ups, men-touch and knob-knob-suck-suck (the outraged Read being a fine one to talk, given that, according to a national newspaper some years later, he liked to bed impressionable young fans while listening to The Icicle Works). By the time the BBC got around to banning Relax it had already been performed on Top Of The Pops, and was at number two in the charts. The resultant publicity surrounding the ban propelled it to number one.

Others were less fortunate. Years earlier The Au Pairs’ Come Again disappeared without a trace following a ban, as did Ivor Biggun’s The Winker’s Song (Misprint), in 1978. However, Biggun later achieved notoriety on Esther Rantzen’s That’s Life as Doctor Cox, replacing cross-eyed eldster Cyril Fletcher in the show’s regular “rude vegetable” slot. It wasn’t carrots shaped like penises which led to the banning of The Trogg’s I Can’t Control Myself, in 1966, but a combination of the suggestive title, and a dirty noise made by Reg Presley. Likewise The Rolling Stones’ Let’s Spend The Night Together, which was alleged – not without good reason – to promote the evil of promiscuity. More shockingly still, The Beatles’ I Am The Walrus was considered too risqué to broadcast, due to its use of the line “Boy, you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down”.

Of course, profanity is an immediate no-no when it comes to choosing BBC playlists, and so The Super Furry Animals’ The Man Don’t Give A Fuck, The Dead Kennedys’ Too Drunk To Fuck, Fatboy Slim’s Fucking In Heaven, Neil Young’s Fucking Up, Ian Dury’s Fucking Ada, and Oasis’s forthcoming Fuckin’ In The Bushes have never been candidates for airplay. Stupidly, Richie Kavanagh’s folky Aon Focal Eile was banned because the first syllable of “focal” – Celtic for “word” – was considered to sound too much like “fuck”. Others made it through with edits. Prince’s Sexy Motherfucker was renamed Sexy MF and bleeped, as was Radiohead’s Creep (the line “You’re so fucking special” getting the censorship treatment), while Beautiful South’s Don’t Marry Her Have Me was originally titled Don’t Marry Her Fuck Me.

Sex and swearing aren’t the only reasons for the BBC to ban records; the allegedly neutral Kommandant Beeb can’t be seen to promote any sort of political opinion, and so records containing apparently pro-IRA sentiments such as Paul McCartney’s self-explanatory Give Ireland Back To The Irish, Marxman’s Sad Affair, McGuinness Flint’s Let The People Go and The Police’s Invisible Sun, were all kept from broadcast. The Sex Pistols’ anti-royalist God Save The Queen was likewise kept from the ears of BBC Radio listeners for being rude about Her Maj’ The Vag’ (our term, not theirs). Former Marillion frontman Fish got off to a bad start with his solo career (and it all went downhill from there) by opening his 1989 debut solo single, State Of Mind, with the line “I don’t trust the government” (Marillion’s first single, Market Square Heroes survived a ban in 1983 by changing a reference to “Anti-Christ” to “battle priest”… no, really).

As everyone who lived through it remembers, the Gulf War was great. However, BBC schedulers had to be particularly sensitive to ensure no listening Iraqis were offended by the playlist. Among the songs banned for the duration of the war were anything by Bomb The Bass and Massive Attack, The Cure’s Killing An Arab, The Doors’ Light My Fire, Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine’s Bloodsport For All, Status Quo’s In The Army, Lulu’s Boom Bang A Bang, and any song with “War” in the title. The KLF’s 3am Eternal was deemed inappropriate, as it opened with the sound of machinegun fire. Less justifiable were Gulf War bans on A-Ha’s Hunting High And Low, and, most astonishingly of all, Eurovision award winner Nicole’s A Little Peace.

So you see, were it not for the moral guardians of taste and decency at the BBC, our world would be awash with filth and depravity of the unholiest kind.

They may not always get it right (they failed to ban George Michael’s I Want Your Sex, instead committing to post-watershed airplay only), but they kept Cliff’s Christian rallying cry off number one at Christmas. And for that, we should all be thankful.

Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age (a newspaper published in
Australia)

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday,
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
extent and degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating
anyone".

Dumped bride uses dog as groom

A dumped bride went ahead with her wedding reception - using her dog to replace the groom.

Emma Knight, 41, was dumped two weeks before her wedding to Paul Fox, 37.

To cheer herself up she decided to go ahead with her wedding reception anyway.

She dressed her faithful dog Dennis up as the bridegroom and he was treated to a piece of the four-tier wedding cake.

Emma wore the £1,500 wedding dress she had bought and partied until the small hours with her 100 guests.

The next day Emma flew to France with her best pal on a pre-booked honeymoon to St Malo, France.

To try and recoup some of her £3,000 losses, Emma, of Portland, Dorset, is selling items bought for the wedding in a local paper.

According to the Sun she said: "It's the best we could make of a bad situation. We had a great time."

There's something I noticed just after Christmas and have specifically been looking out for these last few days.

There seems to be a lot more silver/grey cars on the roads than I ever remember there being previously.

I'm not a car person [I don't drive and rarely travel in other people's cars] but on one day last week it looked like half the cars were pretty much the same colour of metallic silver or grey, and even I noticed!  

Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.

No....it hasn't snowed in Doncaster yet; although it was quite frosty overnight. The snow I saw was actually probably at least ten miles away which I could see on the Pennines as the bus was descending the hill from Hickleton into Goldthorpe.

A pleasant day spent with my parents in Thurnscoe has been somewhat spoiled by the fact that the bus didn't show up and so I had to spend an hour waiting for the next one in the cold - it still hasn't snowed yet; it's probably cold enough though.

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Worrying about no-one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no-one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

It is claimed that in the UK up to 25% of all calls to 999, the emergency services number, are hoax calls or totally unneccessary/inappropriate ...

Here are some examples.

"I'd like a cuddle please."

"A mouse has swallowed my medicine!!!"

"I need someone to change the television channel."

"I've had a dream that I was unconscious and I've just collapsed."

"Help! My trousers don't fit."

"There's a pigeon in my garden."

"Can you send someone over to get a can of pop out of my fridge?"

"Could I have a pizza delivered please?"

"I've broken my fingernail. HELP!"

Oxford English Dictionary Is Searching For The First 'Tosser', 'Wally' And 'Prat'

Oxford English Dictionary

According to a report seen on the internet, the Oxford English Dictionary is asking the British public to help them find examples of the first usage of around forty naughty English terms including 'Tosser', 'Prat', 'Wassock' and 'Wally'.

They are also trying to find out if anyone went 'dogging' before 1993 (dogging is when people have sex outside in a car and other people watch).

Other questions being asked include:

Was 1989 the first time anyone used the term 'the dogs bollocks'?

Is it possible that a couple somewhere coined the phrase 'domestic' for their loud arguments?

Did anyone 'go bananas' before 1968?

Who was a 'plonker' before 1966?

Did you ever say someone was a 'duh brain' before 1997?

Where was the first 'loo'? The phrase seems to go back to only 1940.

Who decided that the name 'Gordon Bennet' is a mild expletive in Britain?

The full list is here.

If you can help them, their web address is http://www.bbc.co.uk/balderdash.

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan receives a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Tattooist sued over penis prank

An Argentinean football fan is suing a tattooist who drew a penis on his back instead of his favourite team's badge.

The teenager, who cannot be named, asked to have the Boca Juniors logo on his back.

But the tattoo artist was a supporter of rival team River Plate and decided to have some fun at his young customer's expense.

The victim told Terra Argentina: "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents."

A police spokesperson said: "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rival, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead.

Fight For Life Landing Area. Dead End.

Auction: New and used food.

Diesel Fried Chicken

Be careful! Goats like to nibble on your clothes and butt.

Enjoy music and gunfights.

Last chance to howl!

Liquor moccassins for sale.

Fartypants launched

A US underwear manufacturer has invented pants designed to hide the smell of farts.

The Under-Ease pants have an in-built multi-layered, replaceable filter, made of felt, charcoal and fibreglass wool.

To prevent gases escaping without passing through it, the underpants are made from air-tight fabric and completely sealed with elastic around the waistband and legs.

Under-Tec president and inventor Buck Weimer said: "Under-Ease are underwear for protection against bad human gas.

"We get a lot of jokes - but we don't doubt that this is a serious product that serves a purpose.

"They can be worn anytime, anywhere - in bed, to work, at social events, including professional meetings or when travelling in any vehicle, including an airplane."

The pants are machine washable and the filters last several weeks to several months, depending on the frequency of use and laundering.

The pants are available on the firm's website, www.under-tec.com, in a range of sizes and cost from £12 to £15.

Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms From the South and the old West.

These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren't often continued by younger generations.

Well that just dills my pickle!

That's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I'm finer than frog hair split four ways.

If you don’t stop I'll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Don't you piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'!

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You're lyin' like a no-legged dog!

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

That was faster than green grass through a goose.

She could make a preacher cuss!

Hell, she could even depress the devil.

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That coffee's strong enough to float an iron wedge.

You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

He'd gripe with a ham under each arm.

Why are you smilin' like a goat in a briarpatch?

Our preacher's as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Each one of his sermons is better than the next!

He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!

She needs some fries to go with that shake.

That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.

Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.

They’re off like a herd of turtles.

She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Well, don't you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!

He's about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

She's so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

If brains were leather, he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug.

Well, if that don't put pepper in the gumbo!

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!

Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!

He's not particularly intelligent:

The engine's runnin' but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose

He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

He's a little strange...

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy's about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

He's acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

Money

He's so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.

You've got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.

He's tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.

He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

Weather

It's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!

It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

He's not particularly handsome....

He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west

He looks like something the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.

He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him."

She's so ugly I'd hire her to haunt a house!

If I had a dog as ugly as him, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

"Living in sin":

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!

Mexican prosecutors: man who tried to commit suicide beaten to death by police
The Associated PressPublished: January 20, 2007

MEXICO CITY: A man who tried to commit suicide by throwing himself onto the tracks of the Mexico City subway was later beaten to death by police, prosecutors said Saturday.

Mexico City attorney general's office announced in a press statement that two city policemen who took custody of the man after he was removed from the tracks have been charged with homicide for allegedly beating him to death later in a patrol car.

Truck driver Albano Ramirez Santos, reportedly despondent over the theft of his truck, had tried to kill himself on Thursday by jumping onto the tracks at a city subway station; trains were stopped, but Ramirez Santos told a subway conductor to leave him where he was because he wanted to die.

Station employees removed him from the tracks.

Police were then summoned and the two officers took him to a police station; but when they got there, an ambulance had to be called because he was unconscious. Medics said he was dead by the time they arrived.

A forensic report showed the man died of blows to the chest and head that were not caused by his jumping onto the tracks.

The two officers, Jose de Jesus Sanchez Lemus and Carmelo Campechano Granados, were taken to a city jail to await arraignment on the charges.

Prosecutors offered no motive for the alleged homicide.

Advertisement painted on back of a delivery truck:

South
Eastern
Xpress
Guaranteed
Overnight
Delivery

(Read first letters vertically)

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

A couple of hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."

Before I started my current 'job' I was working with a boating/educational charity at Thorne, to the north of Doncaster. It wasn't actually a job because it was unpaid - it was some sort of 'compulsory' voluntary work or just workfare.

I really enjoyed being there so I didn't complain; I was mainly based in the office, but quite often got the opportunity to be on the barges or at the Waterways Museum at Goole.

Anyhow, I was recently checking their website to see if it's been updated. Some videos and new photos have been added, but most of the text that I wrote is still there.

Here's the link.

The Irish Daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate? Why didn't you write to us, or drop us a call? - you little tramp!! Don't you care what you put your Mother through???"

The girl, crying, said 'sniff sniff'... "Dad, I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT??!! Out of here you shameless harlot, you Hussy, Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!!"
"OK Dad, if you say so. I just came back to give mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten-bedroomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother this Gold Rolex, and for you daddy - the spanking new limited edition Mercedes convertible, plus a lifetime membership of the Country Club' Additionally an invitation for the whole family to spend Christmas and New Year aboard my 80ft yacht cruising the Mediterranean" 'sniff sniff'.

Clearing his throat he said "What was it you said you had become?" 'sniffing' " A prostitute, dad"

"Oh, Beejesus, you scared me half to death. I thought you said a Protestant. Come and give your old man a big hug!"

Is it possible to be allergic to water?

Considering that warm air rises, if a man builds up gas and the ambient temperature is less than his body temperature, does he weigh less than when he does not have gas? If he ate a pound of beans, would he weigh more or less?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

In the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," which is yellow - the bikini or the polka dots?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters, and Charlie takes longer to say?

Charles puts carbon foot in it...

Prince Charles has booked the entire first-class and business class section of a jumbo jet to fly to New York - to pick up an environmental award.

He is travelling by scheduled flight - instead of a chartered or private jet - to reduce his carbon footprint, reports the Daily Mail.

But the Prince and his 20-strong party will travel exclusively in the first and club class sections where there are 62 seats.

This means their carbon footprint is three times what it would be if every seat was used.

The Prince is to receive the Global Environmental Citizen Award from Harvard Medical School's Centre for Health and the Global Environment.

The Prince, who has described climate change as the 'biggest threat to mankind', is planning to publish details of his own carbon footprint as part of his 2007 accounts.

In November it was revealed that he planned a green revolution at his office.

The radical shake-up included getting staff to use bicycles to help the fight against global warming. He said he was even prepared to travel to London by commuter train from a station near Highgrove.

Charles told aides he also wanted to stop using gas-guzzling royal helicopters and private jets on official engagements whenever possible and intended to make more use of the royal train.

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - As crimes go, this one was for the dogs. According to police, James Clay had the munchies early Friday morning so he headed for the hotdogs at a local convenience store. Although his craving appeared satisfied, there was a little problem - he decided to overstuff his bun.

When he went to the counter to pay, the clerk noticed Clay had jammed two hotdogs into his bun, camouflaging his snack under a pile of condiments.

It apparently wasn't the first time Clay had tried to double-dog his bun, so the employee called police.

Hunger was the least of Clay's worries when officers arrived. He was wanted on a warrant for failing to pay child support.

Clay was being held at the Polk County jail under $59,230 bond.

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Numbers, Averages And Percentages
85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear briefs.

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.

59% of us say we're average-looking.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

Last night I went to the pub for the first time since before Christmas. I really only went to confirm the details of a friend's fiftieth birthday party next Saturday.

As at any party there'll be plenty of food and booze; but we'll also be having a bit of music and performance.

I've agreed to read/perform some poems by Hilaire Belloc, John Hegley and Attila The Stockbroker - and, of course, I'll read one of my own...which can be found here.

I'm really looking forward to it.

It's only a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, with a population of only a few dozen - mainly the descendents of the mutineers from HMS Bounty and their Tahitian womenfolk.

These placenames are strange [and very descriptive] though.

Ah cut
Bitey Bitey
John Catch a Cow
Little George Coconuts
No Guts Captain
Up on Ti
Where Freddy Fell
Where Minnie Off
Where Reynolds Cut The Firewood

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls. [These are obviously American - I've only heard of popcorn.]

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

HOW THEY 'DO' IT

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it the 1st of every month
Mountain climbers like to be on top
Military do it on command!
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

Several areas of the town centre are cordoned off thise morning due to damage caused by yesterday's strong winds. As far as I could see it wasn't anything serious; just the lightweight plastic shop signs and fascias that pollute the townscape. Doncaster isn't an attractive town, but the place would look a lot better without all these brightly coloured, garish eyesores.

Maybe they'll not bother to replace them...

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

LONDON (Reuters) - Whether it's "back, sack and crack," "heteroflexible," or "going commando," the dictionary is catching up.

The latest edition of the Collins English Dictionary published Thursday contains hundreds of new words that its editors say give a snapshot of how society is changing.

"Back, sack and crack" -- a beauty parlor waxing procedure made famous by English soccer captain David Beckham -- is officially defined as "(cosmetic depilation of) the back, scrotum and the area between the buttocks."

"Heteroflexible" is someone who is usually -- but not always -- heterosexual.

"Supersize," the fast food menu word for big portions, can now be both an adjective and a verb, as in "supersize me."

And to "go commando" means "to wear no underpants."

The dictionary is filled with new terms referring to what Editor-In-Chief Jeremy Butterfield called urban tribes, like "chav" and "chavette," both derogatory British slang for "a young working class person who dresses in casual sports clothes."

The related adjective is "chavtastic."

There are plenty of examples of language driven by technology. "Instant messaging" and "picture messaging" get definitions for the first time. So do "Wi-fi" and the Internet bank fraud of "phishing."

The dictionary occasionally offers helpful advice. The definition of "drink dialing" -- making a phone call while drunk, esp to someone about whom one has romantic notions -- notes that the practice is "inadvisable."

The character Jim Hacker on the UK comedy series Yes Prime Minister famously quipped the following about the UK papers:
"The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
the Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
the Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
the Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and the The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is"
followed by Bernard Woolley saying "Sun readers don't care who runs the country; so long as she's got big tits."

LACKING OXYGEN

Early morning on a plate;
Whitecut to meet someone else.

Oversleeping on bicarbonate
The day pepperground to a halt.

FIXTURES

The gathering city
The tears are dry
The light is safe.

-We read a book
without numbered pages.

An American woman has sued a food manufacturer for $50 million after it doubled the fat content on its "healthy" snack she had been feeding her daughter.

A braille sign in Stroud, Gloucestershire, had to be resited after workmen had placed it 8ft off the ground.

A school in Sacramento expelled a five-year-old pupil because her mother took a job as a nude dancer to help pay the school fees.

A rule requiring women to have gynaelogical examinations to qualify for a driving licence was scrapped in Lithuania.

A group of homeless drug abusers in New York slept on an abondoned sofa for a month without realising it was stuffed with £5.4 million worth of cocaine. Dustmen disposing of the sofa found the drug.

A business man paid a £2 million fine to stay out of jail in Egypt after 283,000 contraband Viagra tablets, with a black market value of £7 million, were discovered in his luggage. Airport staff were alerted by the excessive weight of his four suitcases.

A Saudi who threw a rock at another man knocking out two of his teeth - nine years ago - has been fined £15,000 and had two of his own teeth extracted in public as a further punishment.

Mikhail Gorbachev, the former Soviet leader, has opened a restaurant in Moscow which offers dishes served to him by world leaders when he was in power.

Nayana Morag of Taunton, Somerset, has been offering aromatherapy to animals as an aid to relaxation. Among her clientele are dogs, parrots, sheep and a llama.

Two crematorium workers who ate human body parts were freed by a court in Cambodia because it has no law against cannibalism.

A man was barred from becoming a driving examiner in Southampton because his stutter meant he could no say "Stop" in an emergency.

An airline pilot due to take 300 passengers on a flight from Jerusalem to New York refused to take off because his friend could not have a first class seat.

Police in Bonn had a £60,000 repair bill when 300 patrol cars were filled with diesel instead of petrol.

A prison released a 22-year-old Swedish petty thief early after misreading instructions. They promised him a television for his cell if he returns.

Overweight Americans are being offered a tax incentive to shed the pounds. People who are losing weight for medical reasons will be able to claim tax deductible expenses for slimming products.

Traffic was gridlocked for five hours at Chippenham, Wiltshire, after traffic lights were switched off during road works at a busy junction. No one remembered to switch the lights on again.

An accountant in Salem, Pennsylvania, has been charged with "defiant trespass", which carries a two-year prison sentence. His alleged crime? He spoke at a public meeting, objecting to a new sewage disposal plan, for 11 minutes instead of the allotted five.

A thief in Yorkshire tricked his way into the home of an elderly man during a snowstorm and stole his overcoat.

A burger bar in California is looking for a customer who was given a bag containing £10,000 instead of his meal!

Cleo, a parrot that had escaped from a house at Sandown, Isle of Wight, was hosed out of a tree after refusing to move from a branch for 3 days.

An anti-Harry Potter Hotline has been set up in Vienna to enable Austrians to rail at merchandising surrounding J K Rowling's fictional schoolboy wizard.

Japan's Education Ministry is to start housework classes for husbands to help reduce their reliance on their wives. The men will not, however, be told to hang out the washing for fear of losing face with their neighbours.

A bridegroom died during his wedding ceremony in Iran as he licked honey from his bride's finger, a custom to ensure that life together starts sweetly. He choked on her false fingernail.

In an attempt to reduce a £9 million-a-year electricity bill, the Metropolitan Police has told officers to stop using kettles to make cups of tea.

Fortnum & Mason is telling customers that European Union regulations compel it to warn them that "Children's Crackers" are unsuitable for those under eight.

Police in the US state of Maryland arrested a woman driver who was seen talking into two mobile phones while driving with her knees.

A policewoman on the way to a burglary in Scarborough misheard a radio briefing about a missing fax and phone and arrested a passer-by carrying a saxophone.

A website featuring a talkative parrot, Hercules, has attracted 3,000 visits since it was launched by the pet's owner, Paul Fairbanks of Mitcheldean, Gloucestershire, four years ago. Hercules has received fan mail from around the world.

I didn't attend my group therapy session this afternoon; I was too busy...I had a lot of errands to do in town and then made a start on redecorating the bathroom.

However, V... did attend the session and then came to visit me. Whilst we were enjoying our canoodling she mentioned that Brian [the occupational psychologist who is leading the group] wanted her to pass on his thanks to me.

I'm not exactly sure what this refers to, and neither was V... I came up with a couple of suggestions last week - maybe he's referring to those.

Of course, the fact that he mentioned this to V... means that he knows that we're seeing each other - we've both decided not to go out of our way to make a public announcement; but if anyone asks we'll tell them. I think everyone will be very supportive.

Travelers to La Paz, Bolivia, often become ill the moment they arrive in the city, Why? La Paz is 11,900 feet above sea level, the highest metropolis in the world. People with ailing hearts or bronchial problems are warned to stay away, and even those in perfect health usually cannot avoid some illness resulting from the Altitude.

Antarctica is the only continent that does not have land areas below sea level.

The states of Arizona and Hawaii have never adopted Daylight Savings Time, Neither has Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, or American Samoa.

Before 1903 Panama was part of South America. After 1903 it was part of North America. This was due to an arbitrary Decision of the Panamanian government, which in 1903, after staging the last of fifty revolutions (perhaps a record in itself) against its parent country, Colombia, gained its freedom, both to dissociate itself from Colombia and to Decide which continent it wished to be part of. After less than a year's consideration, the government Decided that the country should be North American, and so it has remained ever since.

Juneau, Alaska, has a greater Land Area than any other city in the Western Hemisphere. In 1977 the main city and outlying districts were consolidated, making Juneau officially 3,108 square miles in size. Of this area, 1476 square miles are dry land, 928 are an icecap, and 704 comprise water. Compare this 3,108 square miles with other large cities Jacksonville. Florida, traditionally considered the largest American city, has an Area of 840 square miles. Houston, Texas, boasts 450, Los Angeles 455, and New York City 320.

Of the twenty-five highest Mountains on earth, nineteen are in the Himalayas.

The highest Mountain in all the British Isles, Ben Nevis in western Scotland, is only 4,406 feet high. In many other countries a "Mountain" of this size would be considered something less than a large hill.

The needle of a compass does not point directly north. It points either a little to the east or a little to the west, not enough to make any difference to the average hiker. The difference is known to navigators as the "variation of the compass," and they take it into consideration when making critical geographical calculations. The phenomenon is due to the fact that the magnetic north and south poles do not coincide with the geographic north and south poles.

On a clear day one can see five states from atop the Empire State Building in New York City: New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania.

The nation of Bangladesh covers approximately the same land area as the state of Wisconsin. Yet it ranks eighth in Population among all the world's countries.

In 1867, when Secretary of State William Seward purchased Alaska, one of the most resource-rich areas in the world, for the unbelievably low price of $7.2 million, he was showered with abuse by the American people and was almost forced to resign. Newspapers dubbed the acquisition "Seward's Icebox ... .. Walrussia," and "Icebergia." Seward, however, stood by his decision and named the country Alakshah, which means "great country" in the Aleut language.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run just about from New York to Los Angeles.

There is only one River in the world that has its source near the equator and from there flows into a temperate zone: the Nile For some little understood reason, the flow of most Rivers is in the opposite direction.

Alaska has a Sand desert with Dunes over 100 feet high. It is located along the flatlands of the Kobuk River in the northwestern part of the state.

Canada, the second largest country in the world (3,851,809 square miles), could fit into the largest country, the Soviet Union (8,647,250 square miles) more than twice.

At Math time, I told the kids that we were going to talk about Even and Odd. One boy yelled out- "I know that story. It's in the Bible! " After I quit laughing, I said- "I think you mean Adam and Eve. "
Chris Minch ~ Stuart, FL

As an introduction to a new book, I was introducing my 6th graders to new vocabulary words. I read a list of new words that the students would add to their list, and after I said, "Number 6. Rhododendron" one boy started asking his table mates where "Dendron" was. The kids could not understand what he was asking so he asked me "where the road to Dendron was". After collecting myself, I told him that rhododendron was one word. I still think that he is looking for Dendron. April Bynum ~Jonesboro, AR
Many years ago when I was a teen, I was assisting the Sunday school teacher in class. One Sunday, as we approached the Lenten season , the teacher asked the group of 1st graders if any one of them knew what Lent was. One of the little girls holding her hand high and proud stated that she knew what Lent was. The little girl explained that "Lent" was the little things that her mom picked off the clothes when they came out of the dryer.
Maine

I was a teacher in a tutoring center and at the end of every session, we would ask the students quiz questions for extra tokens. I asked, "What are the three primary colors?". One of my students said, " I know- black, white, and Mexican!!" I laughed so hard, I gave him 2 tokens.
Chrystal Hunt, North Port, FL

One teacher I had for Biology had a special way to remember Kingdom Pylum Class Order Family Genus Species. Her way we found out was King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti. But, she was a bit flustered that day and instead of saying King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Spaghetti, she said King Phillip Came Over For Really Great Sex.
Claire A. ~ CA

I was handing out directions on how to make something. I can not even remember now what it was. One little boy turned to the kid next to him and he said--- "I love it when Mrs. Towell hands out erections."
Jennifer Towell- Stuart, FL

A kindergarten student at my school was sent to the office for saying a rather naughty word in the cafeteria. I talked to him about using other words to say when he was angry. We practiced "shucks", "darn", "rats", etc. I told him my favorite word was "dag nab it!". He said he liked that one, we high-fived each other and I went off feeling like I helped him. I later walked back in the office to find him still sitting there. He jumped off his stool, ran up to me and yelled "DAMN RABBITS!!" while grinning ear to ear!
Mary Slavin ~ Stuart, FL

I was wearing a long, colorful skirt made out of that broomstick material when I was trying to explain the word "brag" to my First Graders. I was pretending to brag about being the fastest runner in the whole class. I was going on and on when a little boy raised his hand and said, "You can't run fast wearing that CURTAIN!"
Chris Minch ~Stuart, FL

My 5th graders were doing their warm-ups when one came up to ask a question about something he didn't understand. He read it out loud to me. "According to the picture, how much would the orgasms be magnified." I am soo proud of myself...without busting, I politely corrected his pronunciation. "That word is organism Dear."
Michelle Lee ~ League City, TX

Years ago, when I first started teaching, I had a little girl in my first grade class whose mother was going to have a baby. The baby was due in February, so around the fifth of the month I started asking Stephanie if her Mother had had the baby. I guess I asked her too many times because one day she came in and said, "My Mother had the baby." I asked her what she had and Stephanie answered, "They don't know yet, it's too small." I asked her if her Mother really had had the baby, and she admitted she hadn't. I told her that I wouldn't bother her anymore, and that she could tell me when it arrived. A few days later, she did tell me, and it was a girl. I never "bugged" another student about something like that happening in his/her family again.
Daisy Sedalnick ~ Denver, Colorado

The science lesson was moving along with great interest as we discussed the habits of nocturnal animals. Now the question was asked, "What do you call animals that are active and feed during the day? "My fourth grade, smiling boy replied with confidence in his voice---"I know--ETERNAL!"
Mary Dungan ~ Marianna,Fl

I was helping a little girl practice her handwriting in first grade and she was staring at me intently. Thinking she was paying close attention I continued. She then politely said " I don't want to be mean but do you know you have hair on your lip?" I then said " Is it black?' She said " no" so I told her not to worry about it!!!!"
Maureen Besst ~ Orlando , FL

When we were discussing who spoke English and who spoke Spanish Kristopher piped up and said he just talks regular.
Maureen Besst ~ Orlando, FL

I teach preschool, 2 year olds. When I was Pregnant with my 3rd child, I saw no reason to tell my class because they were so young. As the year was coming to an end, I grew quite large. One of my little darlings came up to me and said," Miss Ilene, your belly is getting very fat!" I asked this little boy if he'd like to know why, and he said yes. I told him I had a baby in my tummy. He walked away, saying nothing. The next day, this happy, never cry child pitched a fit when his mother tried to leave. She pulled him aside and they talked for a few minutes, and the little boy calmed down, and the mom was grinning from ear to ear. I asked what happened and she said, "Adam thought you might eat him, you've already eaten a baby."
I.Kendig ~ GA

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

My friend Rhonda was telling me how rushed she was that morning getting her three children off to school. One of them had a field trip, but Rhonda couldn't find the permission slip anywhere. She finally wrote a note to the teacher explaining she had lost the form but it was okay for her child to go on the trip. Later Rhonda got a call from the teacher saying the note she had sent was scribbled on the back of the "lost" permission slip.
Carol Newcombe
Reader's Digest

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Gail Beck ~ Augusta, ME

A few blocks away from our school, on our way to a pumpkin farm last Fall, one of my first graders was looking out the window of the bus,
while she was excitedly pointing and naming all the places she recognized; - "that's where my grandma works," pointing to a supermarket warehouse.
"My mom works at the bank", and that her auntie also worked somewhere. All of the sudden she stops, turns, and says to me, "How about you Mrs.
Alvarez? Where do you work?" I thought that was a classic.
AZAN60@aol.com
First Grade True Story
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

I was showing a video regarding the Revolutionary War to my "slower" class of seventh graders. Before turning on the video, I told them that the video would show actors portraying different historical people such as John Adams or Thomas Jefferson. I even told them that there would be a sign which would come up during the film which would remind everybody that these actors were saying the actual words of the historical characters that they were portraying. (I could see, however, that a few of the boys were not paying attention to what I was saying.) I turned on the video, waited for and pointed out the sign I had mentioned, and then watched the students as they watched the video. An actor portraying George Washington appeared. "Hey," I heard one boy say as he nudged his nearby friend, "is that George Washington?" His friend regarded him with utter contempt. "Stupid!" he whispered back, "This video's in color. They didn't have color videotape back then. If it was George Washington, it would be in black and white!"
FKM321@aol.com

Every school year with first, second, and third graders I do an activity I call "The United Shades of America." We match our skin color to "people color" paints and paint portraits and walls, make hand-print murals, and celebrate who we are and how we look. The colors are called everything from cinnamon, peach, and mahogany, to toast. When one third-grader's skin color matched the "wheat" color, he became so excited, he hollered, "I'm finally Student of the Wheat."
JoMarie Privitera
Buffalo, New York

While discussing the vocabulary for our new story last week, I asked the class what they knew about a harbor. One child responded, "It's like a boat parking lot with a dock."
Slynnk27@cs.com

We were doing a science lesson on how plants grow. The children all got a chance to plant their own seeds. As the teacher I planted a few
extra seeds for the children whose plants do not sprout. After a few weeks of watching them I secretly exchanged a few. The next day one
of my students said "Look teacher, it's a miracle, my plant is growing". I said "Yes, seeds sprouting is very exciting". He said," No teacher,
that's not the miracle, I ATE the SEED and it is growing anyway!"
Debbie Capuano
My first grade class and I were on a field trip. We were walking along a board walk that stretched over a wetlands area. Along the board walk were
little plaques with donors names engraved on them. I heard one boy ask another, "What do you think all these names mean?". The other boy responded,
"They must be the names of people who fell off and died!".
Beth Weatherstone ~ Vero Beach, FL

"Real teachers keep a straight face when a parent tells them their child did not complete the homework because their computer does not have Roman
numerals on it." (True story!)
I was sitting, at the end of the day, waiting for my kindergarten class to get ready so that I could read them a story before we left. One child was playing
with a book, waving it in other children's faces. I told her to stop and she did... for 2 minutes. Then she started again. I said, "Maybe you shouldn't go on
the trip." Without missing a beat she answered (very sweetly) "Maybe I should."
Nadine Elhathat ~ Brooklyn, NY

The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
Gail Beck ~ Augusta, Maine
A neighbor is a primary school principal. They started school on Thursday. Friday morning a
little, bitty girl strolls into the main office. "I don't know where to go or who my teacher is," she announces.
The principal tells her everything will be okay, and asks what grade Little Miss Muffet is in.
"First," the mite replies confidently. "And do you know your name, darling?" "Oh yes, and my telephone too."
Her eyes start to tear up. The principal reassures her they have a powerful computer which will reveal all. They type in the child's
name. "Honey, you are in Kindergarten, not First." "Oh no. I already came yesterday."
I lovvvvve this accelerated program, don't you?
Gail Beck ~ Augusta, ME
I was walking down the hall with a
student when she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told her "No",
and I asked why she wanted to know. She said, "Because I want you to
go on a date with my Dad". The funny part of all this is that her
parents are married and her Mom was a volunteer at the school and a friend of
mine!
Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL
While I was doing my student teaching, my supervising teacher was talking to the class about ticks and how you should pour alcohol on it in order to
remove the tick. One of the children anxiously raised his hand and said," I know why you put alcohol on the tick--to make it drunk!"
KACDDH@aol.com
It was getting to be "sweater weather" and we had a bad case of static cling in the room. After our morning carpet time, we found a pair of ladies thong panties on the carpet! I guess they were stuck in one of the kids' sleeves.
Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL

I was taking my kindergarten class to the art room one day. After walking in the door, one of the little boys said, "It smells like marker breath in here!"
Vicki Wells ~Stuart, FL

After a recent trip to Washington, D.C., I was showing my kindergarteners pictures of the different monuments and buildings. I held up a picture and said, "This is the Capitol building." A little boy, Jeremy, asked, "Where is the Lower Case building?"
Chris Gulotta ~Stuart, FL

It was Clown Day at school and I was wearing a pair of large, baggy pants with a hula hoop at the waist. One boy peeked in my pants and said, "You look like you could have a party in those pants."
Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FL

My husband and I got a very nice job offer to take over a ranch for a couple who were wanting to retire. The problem was that we live in North Dakota and the ranch is in Wisconsin. I was discussing it with my 6 and 8 year old daughters and asked what their feelings were on the issue. My six year old piped up and said, "Mom, we can't do that! Think how long it would take us to get to school!"
Daran Sagvold ~ North Dakota

On the first day of class I always conduct an "icebreaker" activity. The students are to stand, introduce themselves, and tell us something most people don't know about them. One student responded: "My name is Chris and I hate people that suck up to the teacher......by the way, Western Civ. is my favorite class."
Bill McClelland ~ Pittsburgh, PA

I was talking to one of my kindergarteners while walking to lunch. She was telling me that her aunt, who was also her "fairy godmother", was taking her to Disney World.
Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FL

I began teaching jive in my Grade 6 class and some of the boys were a little reluctant to hold hands, get close to the girls,etc. I wanted to make the point that there are only a few places where people (especially boys) can learn how to dance, like school, their mom, or a friend. I gave a short talk and asked the boys, "Where can you learn to dance?" One of my students quickly replied, "A gay bar?"
Jay Kennard

I was teaching, or so I thought, some French culture to a group of 8th graders a few years ago, and we were discussing the martyred Joan of Arc. Being a (very bad) punster, I referred to Joan as the "original French fry." A student shyly raised his hand and asked, "I thought she was swallowed by a whale." Another student solved the concern by stating, "No, that was Jonah!"
Lynne Lucas ~Jacksonville, FL

"Special Occasions" (Author Unknown)
This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!

I was helping a four-year old straggler meet up with the group as they waited for us inside the children's museum. I had not realized that his pants were a bit big for him. I knew he loved to run and that he understood what it was to pace. "Pace with me," I coaxed. He said he couldn't and he sounded sincere. I still kept up an animated walk. "Pace me," I smiled. I looked down to see his problem at the same time he looked up and said, "You're pacing my pants off!"
Sharon Johnson ~ Indianapolis, IN

I was student teaching in the first grade. We were just introducing addition. One of the boys told me that he could add and he even knew how to do "attraction." I inquired about his knowledge. He said," Oh, you know! Like you've got 5 kids in the hall and 2 go into the bathroom. THAT'S attraction!
Michelle Harper ~ Willis, TX

Three years ago I started teaching Kindergarten. I had the perfect mix of kids. I soon discovered I would become a grandmother that February. I told my class a couple of weeks before the baby was born that I would be missing a couple of weeks to be with my daughter when her baby came. One of my students (a girl) jumped up from her chair and said, "Oh, you gonna wear your hair up and wear old lady clothes!" What was so funny was her expressions of movements she made. She put her hand up like her hair was on top of her head and then motioned to her clothes. I was 42 when my granddaughter was born.
M121180@aol.com

I was doing a Character Counts lesson on cooperation. I asked my kindergarteners if anyone could tell me what cooperation means. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Someone in my family had a cooperation and died!".
Vicki Wells ~ Stuart, FL

A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
Readers' Digest

I was trying to hook up a laser disc player and was having a heck of a time getting it connected to the TV and VCR. I asked the kids to sit still for a minute and give me a second to fiddle. When I asked them if they knew what fiddle meant, Kelsey stood up and said, "You know...she has to go to the bathroom."
Chris Gulotta ~ Tallahassee, FL

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here? The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there? Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think I'll hear Barney in there? Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.
Taken from one of those forwarded emails...

I was asking one of my kindergarteners what their address was. She replied, "423 21 Jump Street". This was back in 1988!
Chris Gulotta ~Tallahassee, FL

One morning, while we were doing our small group reading, my fifth graders kept on saying the word "he" for "we". This was quite unusual! Finally, it was Kaley's turn to read. She said "he" also. I corrected her and said it's "we" and she said "Okay, we, we, we!" The entire class was in an uproar because after she said the "we" three times everyone thought of the other we ("Wee!"). A few minutes later several children had to go to the bathroom. I guess it was because they were reminded to go!
Sherry Jaramillo ~ Deltona, Florida.

My students had just come from a science class, where some of them tried eating sea weed. One of the students who didn't said, "I would never eat that." I told him that it is in many things he eats everyday. I said, "If the ingredients have kelp in them, then you are eating sea weed." He said, "Kelp? I thought that was those skirts the Scottish guys wear."
Debbie Lafond ~Cumberland, RI

Little Johnny walked into his kindergarten room one morning wearing shoes that were at least 6 sizes too big. The teacher looked at him and asked "Johnny, who's shoes are you wearing?". Johnny smiled back and said proudly "my big brother's". The teacher, still puzzled asked, "Does your mother know you have your brother's shoes on?" Johnny replied " YES she does, she's the one who said I could wear them". The teacher is now really confused so she has to ask "Why did your mother
tell you to wear your brother's shoes?" Johnny said with a grin, "because he buried MINE in the back yard!!"
M. Diane Barber-Lacroix Ft. Pierce, FL

I teach 2nd grade boys in church, and came up with a way I thought would keep all the boys from being preoccupied with looking out the window. "You know," I would tella boy, "There might be a girl out there, and if she sees you staring she'll think you like her." It worked really well last year to get their attention back onto me, and I imagine a couple teachers I told picked it up. Well, this year it worked on a few boys, but then I saw one boy flapping his arm and making gross noises with his armpit. "If the girls see you doing that, they'll think you're trying to impress them," I said. He replied: "This won't impress them. They'll just think I smell."
D.Fowler

Well, I am a student in 7th grade. In my science class, my classmates and I had to read a paragraph out of the science book. This one girl, Alicia, was reading, and instead on saying organism, she said orgasm. I tried so hard not to burst out laughing, and it worked until I got out of the classroom. As I was going to my next class, I started cracking up.
Kelsea Rutledge

I was a teachers aid for a kindergarten class and the teacher was handing out "awards" for tasks the students could pass off. They had to know their address, phone number, and show her that they knew how to tie their shoe. As the teacher was going around the room asking the students if they knew these things one little girl came up to her and said "I know my Monroe, I know my Monroe!" Needless to say, she lived on Monroe street!
Amanda Reynolds ~ Layton, Utah

On the first day of school my first graders were anxious to show me the things that they had brought to school in their backpacks. One little girl came up with a small memo book with a picture of a kitten on the front and told me "Mrs. Byers, I have 2 of these in my backpack!" I responded that it was very nice but, since we wouldn't be using them in school perhaps she could take it home and write in it or do some homework in it. With a huge smile, and as pleased as punch, she said, "It's a diarrhea! (diary!)" I could not stop laughing!
Terri Byers~ Columbus, Ohio
I worked in an Elementary School clinic for seven years. Needless to say, I have seen a lot of funny things in there. However, one day this sweet little girl came in. She had what appeared to be a cold in her right eye. Trying to rule out pink eye, I asked her if it was crusted over when she woke up that morning. She said, "Yes, I think the sleepy man put too much boogers in it!" Priceless huh?!
Melissa Brady ~ Okeechobee, FL

My family was sitting down eating dinner, and our five year old seemed to be upset. She looked up at my husband and I and said "Mom Dad my teacher said a bad word at school today. I said "oh,no what did she say" She looked at my husband and I to see if she was going to get into trouble and said "Well, today we were learning about bugs, and she said that they were in-sex (insects)"
Lydia Schuster ~ Fulton, MO

A friend of mine was teaching an art lesson to several first graders. She was trying to get them to remember the colors, and how to make other colors from the primary colors. A little boy walked up to her, held up his first finger and said sweetly "Red". The teacher said that that was very good. He then held up his third finger and sweetly said "Blue". She again replied that that was good. Then she asked him "What color do those two colors make?" He then raised his fist in the air, proudly extended his middle finger and shouted "PURPLE!!!!"......just as the principal walked into the room. It took the principal three glasses of water and several tissues in order to compose herself and resume her day.
Leslie MarloweI passed out snack to a class of kindergartners. One young man looked up at me and told me that he wanted to share his cookie. (He had licked, smeared and slobbered it all over his face.) I told him no thank you, and explained that I had gained weight over the winter break and needed to be careful about eating snacks. He looked at me and I could tell his little mind was thinking. I started to feel bad and decided I WOULD choke down the cookie somehow! But then he said, "Teacher, its ok, really, I think you look the same fatness!"
A fifth grade class was in the media center for a dictionary/thesaurus lesson. As I went over the vocabulary words to be used in the assignment, two boys immediately jumped up and began strutting around when I said the word “haughty.” “That’s me!” each one proudly proclaimed. Seems they got “hottie” and “haughty” a little confused. Their classmates (and teachers) had a good chuckle over that.
Teresa Kent

True story - Kindergarten teacher comes to me in the office, and said a parent called her and said she's sure glad I was back form the illness and hoped there would be no more. Her daughter had come home after a day or two with the teacher replacement and told mom she had "prostitute" teacher while Miss Kern was away.
Ronald Helmer ~ Saginaw Michigan

When I was in first Grade, my teacher was having a spelling contest....One of my friends was going against another girl. The word was T H I S. Being young and wanting to come in first with the right word, she spelled SHIT first. The whole class was stunned and we didn't understand. But our teacher laughed so hard she had to leave the room. And now 10 years later we still tease her about it.
Cassandra Stevens ~ Dallas, TX
I was waiting for my 4 year old son's preschool class to be dismissed when the door to his classroom opened and out walked one of his teacher's right over to me. Laughing she told me that after their goodbye song she exclaimed "TGIF" and then asked the class if anyone knew what that meant. She said my son, waiving his arm in the air shouted " I do, PAYDAY!!"
Dana McDonald ~ NewJersey

During a science lesson on warm blooded and cold blooded animals a little struggling third grade student started begging to tell me what he thought about a turtle. He said, " You KNOW that turtle's gotta be warm blooded cause he has that rubber stuff on his legs that we almost never got cut off
one night. My uncle killed one and threw him in the bathtub and we couldn't hardly get that stuff off, so you KNOW it's gotta be warm in there!"
I walked into the hall with my book in front of my face and laughed until I cried!
Margaret Anne Ewing

I was teaching art to a class of second graders and trying to let them know
that quilts are made out of fabric, or cloth, as they haven't really learned
those words yet. I was wearing a red wool vest and a cotton shirt and used what
I was wearing as an example. I said, "This is wool and it comes from a sheep.
This is cotton and it comes from a garden." Later that day, the classroom
teacher who was in the room while I taught her class art said that one student
came up to her later in the day to ask her, "But where do they get red sheep?"
Kim Brodie, Birmingham Alabama

Several years ago, a primary student in my school was sent to see the
principal for misbehaving in the classroom. The principal was very upset to see this
same young man in his office again (because he seemed to be there quite
often). After talking sternly to the boy for a few minutes and reprimanding him,
the principal gave the boy this warning, "The next time you come to my
office... I guess I'm going to have to get out my paddle!"
Without blinking an eye, the confused boy replied, "You have a boat?"
Amy -- Kentucky

During P.E. class, one of my students said that she was part American Indian. I asked if she was part Seminole. She then stated "No, I'm a Gator!"
Ron Woodard, Ocala, FL

This is my first year teaching. I've spent much of my time trying to get the students interested in the day's material. The best comment I've heard all year was from a student that had disregarded many of my previous classes. Michael exclaimed," Hey! This stuff is pretty easy, when you pay attention!". He's spent much more time listening and taking notes in class. Another light bulb turned on and burning brightly!
Bill B. ~ Pensacola, FL

In our church, we have missionaries that travel around from place to place spreading the gospel. One day while driving to a doctor's appointment, I saw two of our local missionaries walking down the street. At that same instant my little sister exclaimed " Look! It's the dictionaries!"
Rebecca Brand

I teach 2nd grade and have many funny stories, but this one tops them all. One day little girl in my cousin's first grade class went home and asked her mother what testicles were. Caught off guard, her mother sat down and gingerly began to explain, as best as she could, what they were. After the long spill, the little girl looked at her mother and said, "That is not what my teacher told me they were. She told me that you wear them on your eyes to help you see better!" Needless to say, it was spectacles (glasses) that were being talked about!! Talk about a pick-me-up!
Joy Knop - Thomasville, GA

We were at my in-laws one weekend and our 4 yr old who is now eight was in their bathroom looking at herself in the mirror, one of her favorite things to do. My father in law went in the bathroom and asked her what she was doing, she replied just looking. She then said " Papa can I ask you a question?" "yes" he said she says " did God make you and me both?" "Yes God made both of us" he replied. She then looked in the mirror and then back at her papa and in the mirror again, she did this a couple of times before finally saying "Boy he sure is doing a better job now." We all laughed for several minutes at the expense of my father in-law. We occasionally bring it up at family functions too.
Jodie, Siloam Springs, AR

My aunt is a first grade teacher in Northern New York. One day she was explaining the different seasons to her class. Summer, Spring, Winter and Fall. My aunt opened the window to show her class the leaves that had fallen on the ground then asked if one of her students could tell her what season it was now. A little boy outfitted with camouflage raised his hand, she called on him. "What season is it?", she asked. Without missing a beat, "It's hunting season". He was right!
Laura Stone- Northern, NY

One afternoon I was playing with my three year old daughter and two year old son. I would pretend to be asleep and then "wake up" when they poked me. At one point they poked me but I stayed "asleep". My son turned to my daughter and said, "Ah Oh, I think we need to change Mommy's batteries."
Alicia Hamilton

I waited in the school yard for my kindergartener granddaughter to finish class each day. Two days a week my 3 year old granddaughter waited with me. We live in a multi-ethnic area. One day we were sitting with other parents and grandparents when a gentleman walked up in a white turban, white Nehru dress and pants, and white moustache and beard. My 3 year old leaned in close and whispered to herself, "He's God." She sat very still and quiet until he came and sat nearby. Then I heard her say, "Oh, he's just a man."

My mother has enjoyed sharing this story many times over. When I was 3 years old my family and I were in the car on our way to a relatives house and I voiced that had to go #2. We were no where near a restroom, so my mom told me to squeeze my cheeks and wait until we got there. When she looked back to see if was okay, there I was with my hands on my face "squeezing my cheeks"!
Danielle Wright

I have 4 daughters ages 5 and under. We frequently are joined by my 5 year old nephew in our every day adventures as well. We all went to the Dr's office to have my 3 yr old tested for a UTI. The doc handed me a cup and said to take it home and have her pee in it for him (because she refused to at the office). And before I could agree, my nephew chimes in "But how is she going to fit in there?" Needless to say the doc had to collect himself before going to the next patient!!!
Jessi Brown, WV

I was teaching a unit on Florida to my 4th graders prior to a field trip to St. Augustine, showing a book with pictures of the building of the railroad by Flagler. One of my students asked me: "were the streets black and white back then?"
After recovering my jaw from the floor, I asked her to please tell me she was kidding. She wasn't.
Ada Fennell

Sunburnt skin record bid

A man is fighting to have his world record bid officially recognised - for peeling off the largest ever whole piece of sunburnt skin.

Barry Kwok, from Hong Kong, claims the 21.6cm skin flap is in the shape of China.

Guinness World Records officials say they cannot consider Kwok's record attempt, as he doesn't have any proof the preserved sheet of skin came from him.

The Book of Guinness World Records have been inundated with record bids from China and Hong Kong since appointing a Chinese record assessor three years ago.

Kwok, a 43 year-old civil servant, has been keeping the skin since 1979, when it peeled off after he got sunburnt on a Hong Kong beach.

According to the Metro, he said: "My younger sister took 90 minutes to help me peel the largest piece of skin in the world off my chest with her hands, without using any equipment, in the shape of a China map."

But because he doesn't have any photographic evidence of his chest with the China-shaped skin recently removed, his application won't be considered.

International boundaries are places of abrupt transition, where a conceptual cartographic line can manifest itself physically in many ways. Along the US/Canada border, it is often in the form of a low fence or a cut-line through the trees, running along the path of the border. If roads head to the border in a perpendicular fashion, from either side, and do not hit a natural obstacle like a river, they are usually blocked by earthen berms, posts, guardrail, or overgrowth. If the road goes through the border, it usually has an inspection station, one for each country, on either side of the line.

In the case of the towns of Derby Line, Vermont/Stanstead, Quebec, the border runs right through the community, cutting through the street grid, and even buildings as well, creating an unusual international zone, where behavior is affected in some interesting ways.

In the two sided town of Derby Line/Stanstead there are two streets that cross the line without any checkpoints. Technically, any time anyone crosses the international line, they are subject to having to report, in person, to a port of entry inspection station for the country they are entering. This makes traffic on the streets that cross the line without a checkpoint, Maple Street/Rue Ball and Pelow Hill/Rue Lee fairly light, as it is more convenient to cross at Main Street/Rue Dufferin, where checkpoints are often set up for “drive thru” service.

Pedestrians on the sidewalk are also technically required to report as soon as they cross the line. Visiting someone on the other side of the line, even if the building is next door, means walking around to the inspection station first, or risk being an outlaw. Playing catch on Maple Street/Rue Ball would be an international event, and would break no laws presumably, so long as each time the ball was caught, the recipient marched over to customs to declare the ball.

When the international line crosses through a building, a different set of rules applies. Residents of the small apartment building in Derby Line/Stanstead do not need to report if they cross the line inside the building. They only need to report if they leave out the side of the building that opens on to a different country than the one they entered the building from. The building’s interior ends up being an international space, a bubble in the otherwise nearly infinitely thin international line.

The most prominent building on the line is the Haskell Free Library and Opera House. It was built intentionally on the border in 1901, as a gift to the community, and a symbol of international harmony. The entrances, one leading into the library, and the other heading up the stairs to the opera house/theater, however, are in the United States.

And though there are no restrictions on movement within the building, the placement on the border can lead to complications. The planning of a recent renovation project at the Library/Opera House took three years due to the conflicting construction, fire safety and historic preservation regulations of the two countries. Some of the public bathrooms, for example, sit on the border that runs diagonally through the building, and plumbers from the US and Canada had to be involved to make sure the work met their respective building codes. A fire escape for the theater was located on the Canadian side, but had to be recognized by the Americans, even though it wasn’t in their jurisdiction. If there were a fire in the opera house, then the evacuees would have to head immediately to the immigration station up the road.

The line painted on the floor inside the library and opera house is more than just a novelty. Apparently it was required in order to show which portions of the structure and furnishings would be covered by the separate Canadian and American insurance policies

No; it's definitely not been! First of all the internet was offline - this isn't particularly unusual; it happens about once a month for a few minutes early in the morning for regular maintenance or upgrading...annoying, but manageable.

So, since I'd not got anything any better to do I went into the kitchen to make some toast; but soon discovered that it's raining in. There's nothing I can do about it this early in the morning except for putting down a bucket to catch the drips.

It's dark outside at the moment so I can't investigate what's causing the problem. When it's daylight I'll be able to look down through the back bedroom window at the roof of the single storey extension that's the kitchen. It's not that I'm a roofer or anything; but if there's anything obviously wrong I'll be able to report it to my landlord.

In the meantime; I'm hoping for it to stop raining.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs

Out of my mind... back in five minutes

Look busy - God's coming

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere

Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Laugh alone and people cross the street to avoid you

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself

Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done

My karma ran over your dogma

Adults are just kids who owe money

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

A recent news report - I've only just noticed her surname!

US woman dies after water contest

A Californian woman who took part in a water-drinking contest to win a video game system has died of water intoxication, tests have shown.
Jennifer Strange had taken part in the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" game run by KDND 107.9 radio in Sacramento, which promised the winner a Nintendo Wii.

A work colleague said Ms Strange had reported her head was hurting hours after the contest and was going home.

Ms Strange, 28, was found dead on Friday at her house in Rancho Cordova.

Health warning

Local assistant coroner Ed Smith said initial tests showed death was "consistent with water intoxication".

Contestants were first given eight ounce (225 millilitre) bottles to drink every 15 minutes.

Contestant James Ybarra told Associated Press news agency: "They told us if you don't feel like you can do this, don't put your health at risk."

Mr Ybarra said he quit after five bottles but remaining contestants started on larger bottles.

"She was telling me about her family and her three kids and how she was doing it for her kids," Mr Ybarra said.

One of Ms Strange's work colleagues, Laura Rios, said: "She said to one of our supervisors that she was on her way home and her head was hurting her real bad.

"She was crying and that was the last that anyone had heard from her."

The station said its staff were stunned at the death.

Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
 
Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
 
Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
 
Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
 
Day 5 What absolute bliss!!

Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
 
Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
 
Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].
 
Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
 
Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16 The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

I'm experimenting using the new HTML editor and it's transferred the original colours from the original webpage. Also I've noticed that when I switched on italics they actually appear on the screen as I'm typing; rather than some strange programming code - I suppose this will apply for bold and underscoring too. "Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman "The team has come along slow but fast." - Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle, former French President

Buddy, a 6-year-old German shepherd mix, wandered into the emergency room at the Kaiser Permanente Hospital in Bellflower, Calif., in October after having just been hit by a car, and he resisted efforts to remove him, apparently waiting until someone attended to his injured hind leg (which turned out to be broken), according to local animal control officials interviewed by the Whittier Daily News. Owner Fabian Ortega was called (by virtue of Buddy's implanted microchip), and a vet fixed him up. [KNBC-TV (Los Angeles), 10-5-06]

A New York man, blinded in his right eye 64 years ago, can see again after being headbutted by a racehorse.

Second World War veteran Don Karkos, 82, lost the sight of his right eye when he was hit by shrapnel in combat.

Doctors tried in vain to restore his eyesight but nothing worked until pedigree racehorse My Buddy Chimo stepped in.

Hours after the horse smacked the paddock security guard in exactly the same spot as the shrapnel gashed his forehead in 1942, he realised his vision was returning.

"I was putting a collar around his chest, and he whacked me real hard with his head," Mr Karkos told the New York Daily News.

"Being kicked is part of the job, but I've never been hit that hard. I was pretty shaken up, kind of dazed. Then, later that night, I started to get the vision back in my right eye.

"It was unbelievable. I've been seeing doctors all my life, and they've always told me there is nothing can be done."

Although his vision is still not perfect, Mr Karkos has been able to see about 15ft with his damaged eye since the incident at the Monticello Raceway racecourse in New York state.

Mr Karkos said he was now very grateful for the headbutt: "I'm on very good terms with that horse now, and he gets special care from me," he said.

Dr Douglas Lozzaro, head of ophthalmology at Long Island College Hospital, said the blow could have knocked a dislocated lens back into place.

Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but few are brave enough to venture.

Age and Manhood
1. Between 16 and 26:
Tri-weekly

2. Between 27 and 46:
Try weekly

3. Over 47:
Try weakly

Les Triades des Anglais (1572)

"In all four corners of the earth, one of these three names is given to him who steals from his neighbour... Brigand, Robber or Englishman."

Duncan Spaeth (1868-1954)

"I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God would never trust an Englishman in the dark."

D. H. Lawrence

"The English people are surely the nicest people in the world, and everyone makes everything so easy for everybody else, that there is almost nothing to resist at all."

P. J. O’Rourke

"Mortar fire is to be preferred, of course, to British sports fans."

Samuel Pepys

"But Lord! To see the absurd nature of Englishmen, that cannot forbear laughing and jeering at everything that looks strange."

Wearable Dog House
US Patent Issued In 1994

Hey, feeling a bit lonely, need some attention? Well you'll get all the attention you need when you walk through any public place sporting the new, uber attractive Wearable Dog House! It's designed so you can bring your pet to any function and enjoy your dog's company while keeping both hands free for.... whatever. The inventor suggests the WDH's air permeable construction will allow Fido "to view outside events and experience the textures of the outdoors in safety and comfort".

I’ve just phoned up the hospital to tell them that I won’t be attending tomorrow for my operation on my knee. I’m not feeling very well; I’ve picked up some sort of bug – I’ve got a temperature, a sore throat, am coughing up a lot of phlegm and ache all over. To be honest I’m rather relieved that the decision has been taken out of my hands. For a while now I’ve been having second thoughts about the operation. Yes, I’ll admit it, the prospect of surgery scares me: it’s not just the actual procedure but the fact that I’d possibly be up to several weeks hobbling about on crutches. I live on my own and there might have been occasions when I could have needed some help – my brother and parents live seven miles away and none of them drives and V…. [my recently acquired lady friend] lives four miles away and doesn’t drive either . Additionally she’s got family commitments – parents, siblings and children – which keep her busy. I’ve been discussing my concerns with my brother and a friend and they both have problems with their knees which seem to be probably worse than mine. My brother has been taking prescription painkillers and anti-inflammatory tablets for five years now and Dave has been regularly taking ibuprofen for even longer, and frequently needs to wear support stockings. So….I’ve decided, when my new appointment comes through that I’m going to inform them that I no longer wish to have the operation. Yes; my knee is occasionally a bit stiff, swollen or sore and it seems not to be as strong as it used to be, but I’m nearly forty five years old and don’t need a level of fitness that I required when I was younger and a lot more active – going for long, strenuous hikes on the moors every weekend.

Female Stages of Life

AGE - DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE - EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have François color my hair
66 Need to have François color my wig

AGE- FAVORITE SPORT
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping

AGE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Burger King
25 Free meal
35 A diamond
48 A bigger diamond
66 Home Alone

AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Tall, dark and handsome
25 Tall, dark and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man

AGE- WHAT S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE- IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Male Stages of Life

AGE - DRINK
17 Beer
25 Bourbon
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE - SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

AGE - FAVORITE SPORT
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Napping after Sex
66 Napping

AGE- DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.

AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE- WHAT 'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE - IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Wonder Butt Bra
US Patent Issued In 2002

Here's a cheeky idea, The Wonder Butt Bra! As the inventor explains; "In today's society both women and men have become increasingly more concerned with their appearance. A variety of approaches are being taken to improve one's physical appearance, including cosmetic surgery, exercise, dieting, as well as enhancements to the body shape acquired through the wearing of a variety of undergarments. The problem with these previous below-the-waist undergarments, is that none lifts, supports and shapes a person's buttocks similar to the underwire bra that is a fairly common undergarment for women today. While there have been a variety of devices that add padding or some other shape to the buttock, none actually lift it, while also giving it a desirable shape." Well said, my man.

Conveniently, the WBB is fully adjustable to fit all sizes of butts. Big butts, small butts, and all butts in between.

Here is a list of some funny signs found in actual businesses and homes!

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist's Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Veterinarians' Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

A woman flying first class to New York in a redesigned Boeing 747 complained to British Airways that the lavatory had a window. She demanded that it be covered by a blind.

An Italian court ordered a divorced father to continue to keep his estranged son until he finds a job. The son, aged 30, who has a law degree, receives £500 a month.

Police told a Cardiff court that a boy of 11 had stolen hundreds of cars since the age of nine - almost one a day. In some cars he drove standing up to see over the steering wheel.

A priest near Barcelona has put a jamming device in his church to stop worshippers using mobile phones during Mass.

A classic car collector in San Francisco paid £9,000 for a 1950's Buick. He gave the money to a tramp who had been living in the car.

Japanese delegates going to a conference on the state of railways travelled by taxi from London to Cardiff when their train was cancelled.

The US Supreme Court ordered Kenneth Curtis, of SOuth Carolina, to find a different line of work when he sold his urine over the internet to people facing drug tests at work.

A firm is selling software to make computers talk with an Australian accent.

Taxi drivers in Amsterdam have started installing condom machines in the back of their cabs.

An executive at Sony Pictures was suspended after he made up a quote by a non-existent critic on a local paper in Connecticut to advertise a film. His job title was director of creative advertising.

An actor who poses with a sword as a gladiator for tourists at the Colosseum in Rome faces jail after being charged with bearing arms illegally.

A Norfolk chip shop owner is offering a reward for help in catching two armed robbers who attacked his staff: two portions of fish and chips a week for life.

Thieves stole a gold Rolex watch worth £40,000 and had it encrusted with diamonds for resale. When it was seized in a police raid, and returned to its owner, it was worth £200,000.

A thief in Blackwood, near Caerphilly, stole a bus and drove it for two hours, picking up passengers, before disappearing with about £150 in takings.

A toymaker in Kent has produced a scale model of a white Ford Transit van honouring the new social stereotype, "White Van Man". The replica includes fake grime with the legend, "I wish my bird was as dirty as this van".

After years of turning a blind eye, Tennessee University closed down a house where students gambled on cockfighting and hired homeless men to box. The authorities suddenly discovered that the students were hiring a stripper at least once a week.

Rats and mice are among a group of animals to be given full European citizenship, complete with passports to allow them to travel abroad without going into quarantine. Ferrets were refused citizenship.

Firemen had to rescue a 25-year-old man from a rubbish chute in a block of flats in Stockholm, Sweden. He had climbed in to retrieve a favourite old sweater thrown away by his wife.

The Latvian government spends more on food for its guard dogs (£1,576 a year each) than it does on its soldiers (£924). An official said: "No one makes dog food in Latvia so we have to import it."

The University of California suspended its course on male sexuality after students were taken to watch their professor have sex at a strip club.

Ninety members of the St Petersburg Philharmonic Orchestra, the oldest in Russia, were removed from a flight to Los Angeles because they were rowdy and refused to sit down.

The mother of Miss America complained that contest organisers sent her daughter a £2,000 bill for the celebration party after her crowning.

Thomas Mitchell, 54, was convicted in Texas of shooting his girlfriend three times after she said 'New Jersey'. He suffers from an irrational hatred for the sound of certain words.

A Lisbon firm recalled 300,000 bottles of red wine because the image of a bearded man on the label was reminiscent of Osama bin Laden.

A man was locked in a Belgian police cell without food or water for three days. Arresting officers had forgotten about him.

Traffic wardens in Bath park their own cars illegally without collecting fines. They warn colleagues by leaving their police pass numbers on the dashboard.

The Church of Jesus Christ of the Saints of the Last Days, in Salt Lake City, paid £200,000 compensation to two women who were told Jesus would appear in the flesh. The church was found to be in breach of contract.

Giorgio Valentinuzzi is selling fog at £1.30 from his home village Rivignano. He got the idea after being told it was the wettest in Italy.

An Isle of Wight pensioner who dialled 999 to say that someone was drilling a hole in the wall of her house had been confused by the noise of her electric toothbrush.

Three thousand prisoners and ex-prisoners have signed up to use a website, www.convictsReunited.co.uk set up to help them stay in touch.

Foreign nurses recruited by Oxford Radcliff Hospitals NHS Trust are being shown Fawlty Towers and the Two Ronnies to demonstrate to them how British patients are likely to use humour.

“BELLIES, bogies and boobies” - just three of the reasons schoolchildren love calculators.

And to celebrate Casio’s billionth calculator leaving the production line, the firm has released a list of the favourite words that can be written on the display and read when turned upside down.

Old favourites boobies (or 5318008), gobbles (5378806) and boogie (316008) make the list as do more obscure ones including Esso (0553) and Shell Oil (71077345).

More modern words are also being written on calculators in classrooms today, such as Google (376006) and blog (6078).

A spokesman for Casio said: "Casio calculators have always been at the cutting edge of technology - but they are great fun as well, as every schoolboy and girl knows.

"Everyone has fond memories of making rude and funny words on the display when they should really have been concentrating in class."

Casio’s Top 10 favourite calculator words:
1. Boobies (5318008)
2. Bellies (5317738)
3. Boobless (55378008)
4. Bogies (531608)
5. Sizzles (5372215)
6. Gobbles (5378806)
7. Google (376006)
8. Boogie (316008)
9. Shell Oil (71077345)
10. Esso (0553)

Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the crippled aunt who keeps falling over?

Well, then, try these! They're not *excuses*, they're *real*!

AIR CONTROLLER'S SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal, 1972}

ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association, 1984}

ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at the teleprompter through glaring camera lights. {Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}

ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory depravation. {Lancet, 1910}

BEER DRINKER'S FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA, 68}

BINGO BRAIN: The headache associated with carbon monoxide intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}

BIRDWATCHER'S TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}

BODY BUILDER'S PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions, grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}

BOOKSELLER'S BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?}

CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}

CHICKEN NECK WRINGER'S FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}

CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}

CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards. {New England Medical Journal, 1966}

DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing. {New England Medical Journal}

DOG WALKER'S ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}

ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY: Epilepsy caused by the flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}

ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}

FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip- flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}

FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}

GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf. {BMA Journal, 1896}

HOOKER'S ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}

HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}

HUMPER'S LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}

JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}

JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans. {New England Medical Journal, 1981}

JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987}

KNIFE SHARPENER'S CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

LABEL LICKER'S TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}

MONEY COUNTER'S CRAMP: Painful seizure of muscles from counting too much cash. {English University Press, 1975}

MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}

NUN'S KNEE: Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}

PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}

PLAYERS' LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}

QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practising fast draw from gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}

REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}

RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of Medicine, 1984}

SEAMSTRESSES' BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American Family Physician, 1979}

SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids. {JAMA, 1986}

TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being slumped in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}

TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on rear from spending too much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}

UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}

VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}

WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}

YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from practising yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}

I've just been hoovering up a trail of dirty footprints left by the workmen who have been to do some plastering in my bathroom. They've done a good job and it'll be nice to be able to have a properly decorated bathroom again. I've no idea yet what colour I'll paint it, or if I'll use wallpaper. I'll have to wait until I'm fully recovered from my knee operation though.

Stupid Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

W. E. Henley

"Ever the faith endures, England, my England."

the Anglo-Saxon chronicle

"…but it was most hateful to all to fight against their own race’s men, for there was little else who could achieve anything much on either side except for the English."

the Anglo-Saxon chronicle

“A greater slaughter was not ever yet in this island slain by an army before this with swords blades – as books tell us, ancient scribe, since here from the east the Angles and Saxons came over across the broad sea, they sought Britain, the paid war makers overcame the Welsh… the keen heroes won a homeland."

drinking song (circa 1757)

"Should the French dare invade us, thus armed with our poles, We’ll bang their bare ribs, make their lantern jaws ring: For your beef-eating, beer-drinking Britons are souls Who will shed their last blood for their country and King."

Oscar Wilde

"If one could only teach the English how to talk and the Irish how to listen, society would be quite civilized."

Alice Duer Miller

"...I am American bred. I have seen much to hate here, much to forgive. But in a world where England is finished and dead, I do not wish to live."

The White Cliffs (1940)

Alexander Woollcott

"The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm."

Evelyn Waugh (Scoop)

"Other nations use “force” - we Britons alone use “Might”.

Charles Dickens

"There is in the Englishman a combination of qualities, a modesty, an independence, a responsibility, a repose, combined with an absence of anything calculated to call a blush into the cheek of a young person, which one would seek in vain among the Nations of the Earth."

Our Mutual Friend

Toilet Landing Lights
US Patent Issued In 1993

What happens when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Do you turn on the light and squint, open your eyes and blind yourself or poke around in complete darkness? Have you ever fallen into the toilet because the seat was up but "who knew", it was too dark to see or heard any complaints about missed targets? Well not any more with the extraordinary Toilet Landing Lights! This unprecedented bathroom brainchild can save you from a very embarrassing breakfast conversation by illuminating your way after bedtime, and you know what we mean.

Waterproof indirect lighting is placed under the rim of the toilet adding a beautiful almost mystical glow to the throne. A switch attached to the lid can signal heads up or safe landing ahead. We suggest pulsing blue airport landing lights to bring you down safely.

When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!

I'd rather be driving a golf ball.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Friction is a drag.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special offer this week.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in >Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares.. and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ...

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

For Men Who Can't Figure It Out

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

You leave the toilet seat up -5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5

But return with beer -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something. +5

You pummel it with a six iron +10

It's her father -10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy -2

Named Lisa -4

Lisa is a dancer -6

Lisa is an old girlfriend -8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

Okay, it is a sports bar -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. -10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal -5

And the pal is happily married -4

Or frighteningly single -7

And he drives a Mustang -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2

You take her to a movie she likes +4

You take her to a movie you hate +6

You take her to a movie you like -2

It's called Death Cop 3 -3

Which features cyborgs having sex -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -5

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of +10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30

You say -I don't care because you have one too -800

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5

You hesitate in responding -10

You reply, Where? -35

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20

QUALIFICATIONS:
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."

EXPERIENCE:
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

EDUCATION:
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

SPECIAL SKILLS:
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."

REFERENCES:
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Recent search strings used to access this blog.

British Pakistani bigamy two wives

Will the material of the golf ball change how far it flies?

Drug addict Scunthorpe Social Services

HSO Trinity Mirror Group

English proverb

"A smooth sea never made a skilful mariner."

English proverb

"Children are a poor man's riches."

English proverb

"What good is running if one is on the wrong road."

foreign observer (1373)

“The English are so filled with their own greatness and have won so many big victories that they have come to believe they cannot lose. In battle they are the most confident nation in the world”.

Italian visitor (1500)

"The English are great lovers of themselves and of everything belonging to them. They think that there are no other men than themselves, and no other world but England; and when a handsome foreigner walks by they say “he looks like an Englishman."

foreign emissary (at the court of Henry VIII)

"The English have an antipathy to foreigners, and imagine that they never come into their island but to make themselves master of it and to usurp their goods."

Man Eats His Own Penis

Police in Malaysia say a man cut off his own penis and then fried and ate it.

They say he had taken hallucinogenic drugs that caused him to hear voices urging him to mutilate himself.

A police spokesman says the 34-year-old man took the drugs before he went to bed Friday night and heard the voices when he woke up. He didn't realize what he had done until he saw the blood.

The man had recently been released from a drug rehabilitation center.

Malaysia's national news agency reports he's hospitalized in stable condition.

CNN has apologised to US presidential hopeful and senator Barak Obama after confusing him with terror mastermind Osama bin Laden in a report.
A CNN package promoting a story on the search for the al-Qaeda leader aired with the headline "Where's Obama?", the British Press Association reported.

Senator Obama, an Illinois senator and possible threat to Hillary Clinton in securing the Democratic nomination for the 2008 presidential election, accepted the station's apology.

CNN said the blunder, which aired during Wolf Blitzer's show The Situation Room on Monday night, was a "bad typographical error" by its graphics department.

"We want to apologise for that bad typo," Blitzer said on air the next day.

"We also want to apologise personally to Senator Barack Obama.

"I'm going to be making a call to him later this morning to offer my personal apology."

Tommy Vietor, Senator Obama's press secretary, said: "Though I'd note that the 's' and 'b' keys aren't all that close to each other, I assume it was just an unfortunate mistake, and don't think there was any truly malicious intent."

Senator Obama is still deciding whether to seek the Democratic nomination.

Hopefully you've never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that "special" someone asks you out and you don't know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.

1. I have to floss my cat.

2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.

3. I want to spend more time with my blender.

4. The President said he might drop in.

5. The man on television told me to say tuned.

6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

7. I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

8. It's my parakeet's bowling night.

9. It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

10. I'm building a pig from a kit.

11. I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

13. There's a disturbance in the Force.

14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

15. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

16. I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

20. My crayons all melted together.

21. I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

22. I'm in training to be a household pest.

23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

24. My patent is pending.

25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

26. I'm sandblasting my oven.

27. I'm worried about my vertical hold.

28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

29. I'm being deported.

30. The grunion are running.

31. I'll be looking for a parking space.

32. My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

35. I have to fluff my shower cap.

36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.

40. I have to fulfill my potential.

41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

42. It's too close to the turn of the century.

43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

44. My subconscious says no.

45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

46. I left my body in my other clothes.

47. The last time I went out, I never came back.

48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

50. None of my socks match.

51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

52. I'm having all my plants neutered.

53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

58. I'm touring China with a wok band.

59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."

61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.

64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.

65. I have to ash/condition/perm/curl/tease my hair.

66. I have too much guilt.

67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.

68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

71. I feel a song coming on.

72. I'm trying to be less popular.

73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.

74. I have to bleach my hare.

75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

77. You know how we psychos are.

78. My favorite commercial is on TV.

79. I have to study for a blood test.

80. I'm going to be old someday.

81. I've been traded to Cincinnati.

82. I'm observing National Apathy Week.

83. I have to rotate my crops.

84. My uncle escaped again.

85. I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.

89. I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

91. Having fun gives me prickly heat.

92. I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

93. I have to jog my memory.

94. My palm reader advised against it.

95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.

97. I prefer to remain an enigma.

98. I think you want the OTHER [your name].

99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.

100. I'm trying to cut down.

101. My asthma is acting up again

102. That would interfere with my time to wait for the government to take me away.

103. You're ugly, I'm busy, have a nice day

104. Its my goldfish's birthday

105. Uh, I have stuff to do.

106. I have to make an air sandwich

107. I have to hide the bodies.

108. I don't have time to go on a date...with YOU!

109. I have to wash my hair.

110. I have to clean my toilet

111. I need to spend quality time with my weed wacker

112. I need to clean the air in my room

113. My hamster is having a heart transplant and I need to stay for moral support.

114. I caught a rare deadly African disease that's highly contagious.

115. My gerbil is getting married.

116. I have plans to clean the cracks in my floor

117. Sorry, when you came to my door I mistook you for a mormon and took cover.

118. I had to rob your house

119. That's the night I reorganize my rock collection.

120. Pinnochio is on tonight

121. I have to try out for the ice skating team at school.

122. I don't date outside my species

123. Sorry I think I'm gay

124. I have to go...........over..............there.

125. My butt is to big in this dress

126. I have to take out the trash

127. My dog had baby kittens.

128. I can't, I need to take my computer apart and put it back together.

129. I have to go shopping for my mother.

130. I'm sorry, I have to rotate the strings on all of my shoes.

131. No

132. I told my car I would tenderly rub wax into it's body

133. I have to go for my full body wax appointment

134. I can't I was asked to go to another party w/o you

135. I don't date goats!

136. Ally Mcbeal is on

137. I'm reading with my widower

138. I have to brush my teeth.

139. Alf comes on soon

140. I'm sick.

141. I've had a better offer, some bloke is coming round to set fire to my head

142. I'm busy cleaning the blood off my axe

143. My dad said I can't date till I am married

144. I'm shaving my dog.

145. It's against my religion to date people named (insert relevant name)

146. My grandma is on fire.

147. I'm getting married tonight.

148. I'm engaged.

149. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

150. I have family in town.

151. I just washed my hair.

152. It's that time of the month again.

153. My father's grandmother's aunt's mother died.

154. I have to take down the Christmas lights.

155. I have to go to a surprise party for my grandma's birthday.

156. I left my tolerance in another coat.

157. I just got back together with my ex

158. I don't like people.

159. I have to alphabetize my CDs. (Hey, is that supposed to be insulting to me? -- dan)

160. I might see someone who knows me.

161. My brother's sister's mum's son's dad died.

162. I would, but it would be a complete waste of make-up.

163. My pet snake is constipated again.

164. I have a phobia of people named (insert name here).

165. I have to teach my pig to sing.

166. I just got sick (right after you asked me out).

167. My dog is too tired.

168. I never said I'd go out with you, that was my evil twin.

169. I would go out with you but my waiting list is full.

170. There's a four hour TV special on trimming shrubbery.

171. I'm washing the sofa.

172. I have to milk my cow.

173. Everquest.

174. I don't want to miss Martha Stewart's premiere.

175. I have to teach my frog how to croak.

176. I'm too busy watching the paint dry.

177. The "Rocky" marathon is on that night.

178. I promised my mum I'd bathe the hamster.

179. I tripped over an ant and broke my leg.

180. I need to clip my nose hairs.

181. I have to read the labels on all of my food.

182. You are extremely unattractive. Sorry, someone had to tell you.

183. I'm gay.

184. I don't like you.

185. My goat broke a horn.

186. I have to go to the dentist.

187. I have to brush my dog's teeth.

188. I must go in search of my charms which were stolen by an angry leprechaun.

189. I'm going to the moon.

190. My water wings are flat.

191. I have to stay home and give my goldfish a bath.

192. I'm going to be playing with my mental blocks.

193. I have to wax the driveway.

194. I'm not into dating right now.

195. I'm teaching my goldfish how to play the electric guitar.

196. I'm teaching my dog to meow.

197. I have to watch Oprah.

198. I like you, but my friends said I can't go out with you.

199. I like your best friend.

200. I'm complicated to go out with.

201. I just found out we're related.

202. On my list of things to do, seeing you is at the bottom.

Husband 1.0
HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

Female Stages of Life AGE - DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser AGE - EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need

Female Stages of Life AGE - DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser AGE - EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have François color my hair 66 Need to have François color my wig AGE- FAVORITE SPORT 17 Shopping 25 Shopping 35 Shopping 48 Shopping 66 Shopping AGE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 Burger King 25 Free meal 35 A diamond 48 A bigger diamond 66 Home Alone AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY 17 Tall, dark and handsome 25 Tall, dark and handsome with money 35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 A man with hair 66 A man AGE- WHAT S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 AGE- IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast Male Stages of Life AGE - DRINK 17 Beer 25 Bourbon 35 Vodka 48 Double vodka 66 Maalox AGE - SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancée is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE - FAVORITE SPORT 17 Sex 25 Sex 35 Sex 48 Napping after Sex %0

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

A car recycling centre in Berlin is hiring out sledgehammers at £1.60 per hour to people who want to get rid of their stress on the old cars.

Russian aides accompanying President Putin to America paid their hotel bills in cash - after exchanging four gold bars wrapped in a paper bag at the Federal Reserve for $1 million.

The application form for a security pass to the House of Commons includes the question "Have you ever been involved in terrorism? If so, give details."

Uzbek air force officers, who share the Khanabad base with 2,000 US troops are rifling through the Americans' rubbish and selling discarded ration packs to local market traders.

The actress Gwyneth Paltrow complained that pictures of her in an edition of Harper's Bazaar magazine made her bottom look too small.

A young widow in Sydney has had the ashes of her husband sewn into her breast implants so that he remains close to her heart.

A teaching union has demanded that maths tests for new teachers be dropped because they are too confusing and difficult.

Two Baptist ministers who held up a Louisiana bank and stole £30,000 found police waiting for them when they returned to church to conduct Evensong. They had used their own car as the getaway vehicle.

A statue kept in a Southampton museum basement has been identified as 2,700 years old from Egypt. Staff had been using it as a cycle rack.

A Zambian whose wife served him a cup of tea with a frog in was granted a divorce.

A soldier thrown out of a Greek bar for being drunk returned later in a tank and drove straight into the vehicle.

A woman continually frustrated by being unable to park her Mercedes in Birstall, Leics, bought a derelict supermarket for £202,000 and gave it to the council to provide a 70-space free car park.

Undertakers in Missouri returned a corpse to the dead man's home after it claimed a £800 funeral bin had not been paid. The man, wrapped in a blue bag, was left on the porch.

Eskimos in Nunavut, Canada, are to melt icebergs and bottle the water for export to Japan. It is to be marketed as "pure Arctic drinking water."

A woman who owned a shortsighted racing greyhound that kept coming second because it needed another dog to follow, had it fitted with contact lenses. The dog is now winning.

Jedi, the fictional faith in the film, Star Wars, is to be given official status in the next census because so many people listed it as a religion in the last one.

Executives of the Burger King restaurant chain, famed for its flame-grilled meals, had to be treated for burns in Key Largo, Florida, after walking over hot coals in a team-building exercise.

Police in British Columbia had to set up a road block to stop a car speeding at 150 mph without lights at night. They found the Ferrari driver wearing night-vision goggles.

A Croatian parliamentary session was halted after an MP told a female colleague: "God created you for mattresses and not as wise men."

A baker who received a bravery award after tackling three burglars at the Canterbury supermarket where he worked was docked two weeks wages for taking time off to recover from his injuries.

A man of 73 who took 11 years and eight attempts to pass his driving test, was banned five weeks later for drink driving.

A Half Chinese man working for the Birmingham council's Partnership Against Racial Harassment was awarded £116,000 for discrimination against him by senior staff.

Inverness airport had to shut for a day when an air traffic controller called in sick.

The makers of Viagra have won the Queen's Award for Enterprise.

A Monopoly player escaped 'going straight to jail' and was given a suspended sentence for punching his 13-year-old stepson who had won the game.

Police in Lincolnshire accidentally crashed into an empty parked car. When the owner went to look at the damage, she was arrested for drink-driving.

A gardener, aged 70, who was puzzled by the lack of tomatoes on her plant, took it to a recording of the BBC's Gardeners' Question Time. The panel told her it was a cannabis plant.

A worker at Monkey World, in Dorset, admitted stealing £47,000 from the entrance tills. She spent it on Cliff Richard souvenirs and going to his concerts.

The Democratic Republic of the Congo has discovered that 21,652 civil servants on its payroll do not exist.

About half an hour ago I nearly walked into the glass doors that lead into the foyer area at the HSBC Bank where the cash dispensers are...the rest of the building is closed - there are security shutters fitted. There's a sign on the doors that reads; 'Caution: Automatic Doors' and I was assuming that they'd open automatically, but I was mistaken. On Sundays [and whenever the bank isn't open] the doors aren't automatic - you need to press a green button......so shouldn't the sign be changed to: 'CAUTION: THESE DOORS ARE NOT AUTOMATIC'?

Is there another word for synonym?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If God sneezed, what would you say to him?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Which do you save when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss and not a near hit?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If all is not lost, where is it?
What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
Instead of putting pictures of criminals in the post office, why aren't they put on stamps so postman could look for them while they deliver the mail?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing cricket without a box.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Gordon Bennett

Flaming Nora

Peeping Tom

Jack of all Trades

Johnnie come Lately

Every Tom, Dick and Harry

But where is everyone else?

Author Unknown

ON COURAGE:
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, 'Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.'"
-Cindy Crawford

ON POVERTY:
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson

ON FATE:
"I wish my butt did not go sideways but I guess I have to face that."
-Christie Brinkley

ON SELF-ESTEEM:
"I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

ON PRIORITIES:
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis

ON INNER STRENGTH:
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks

ON TRAVEL:
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS:
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece

ON HEREDITY:
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,' What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS:
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs

ON PARADOX:
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz

ON TRAGEDY:
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT:
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."
-Carol Alt

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS:
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS:
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista

ON THOUGHT:
"When I model, I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it just doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova

ON DEPRIVATION:
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION:
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to and I would."
-Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY:
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-Linda Evangelista

Wordsworth

"We must be free or die, who speak the tongue that Shakespeare spoke, the faith and morals which Milton held..."

D. H. Lawrence (1865-1930)

"English Catholics are just Protestants, protesting against Protestantism".

E. M. Forster (1879-1976) - English novelist

"It is not that the Englishman can't feel…it is that he is afraid to feel. He has been taught at his public school that feeling is bad form. He must not express great joy or sorrow, or even open his mouth too wide when he talks… his pipe might fall out if he did".

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 -1821)

"England is a nation of shopkeepers!".

Domenico Caracciola (1752-1799) - Neopolitan diplomat

"In England there are sixty different religions, and only one sauce".

George Mikes (1912-1987) - Hungarian writer

"On the continent people have good food; in England people have good manners".

George Mikes (1912-1987) - Hungarian writer

"Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game".

George Mikes (1912-1987) - Hungarian writer

"An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one".

Cecil Rhodes (1853-1902) - South African statesman

"Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first place in the lottery of life".

Stephen Leacock (1869-1944) - Canadian humourist

"American politicians do anything for money... English politicians take the money and won't do anything ".

Proper Diskette and Care Usage

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Bride's joke backfires

A bride who jokingly replied 'I don't' found the joke was on her when the registrar refused to go ahead with the ceremony.

Tina Albrecht, 27, was to marry fiancé Dietmar Koch, 29, at a castle in Steyr, Upper Austria.

But after the receptionist tried to bring a bit of humour into the ceremony by saying "I don't" before correcting herself, the authorities called the wedding off.

Under Austrian law, if either party replies to the key question in the negative the wedding is cancelled and cannot be rescheduled for a further 10 weeks - to prevent forced marriages.

Ms Albrecht said: "We had to send all our guests home and now we have to wait until March before we can try again. In retrospect it was probably not so funny."

I phoned up V... earlier to make arrangements to meet her at the bus station tomorrow, and then walk back to my house where we intend watching a DVD and snuggling up on the sofa. When we met in the pub on Wednesday I stressed to her that I'm not seeking to get married, or even live together. This certainly didn't put her off; in fact she was the one who suggested that it would be cheaper and more private to go back to my house.

While we were speaking on the phone she said she had some good news which she'll tell me tomorrow - I wonder what it might be!

I know I need to be cautious, and will be; but I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

SYDNEY (AFP) - A young Australian woman got more than she bargained for during a dinner conversation when she laughed so hard she accidentally swallowed a spoon.

The 26-year-old ingested a teaspoon when she was overcome by the giggles while eating spaghetti, The Sunday Telegraph newspaper said.

The 15-centimetre (six-inch) spoon stuck in her throat at the top of her stomach.

Doctors at Canterbury Hospital sedated the woman and removed it "with great difficulty" during a 90-minute operation.

Protest can't stop march of time

HUNDREDS of French demonstrators saw in the New Year - by holding a protest against it.

People carrying banners reading "No to 2007" and "Now is better" marched through the streets of Nantes.

They called on the United Nations to stop the "mad race" of time and declare the indefinite suspension of the future.

The protest was an attempt to make fun of French people's apparent fondness of saying no to any kind of change and as a different way to "celebrate" New Year.

When their demonstration failed and the bells sounded the start of 2007, they quickly moved on to the next stage of they campaign - chanting "No to 2008".

A 42-YEAR-OLD driver who caused a car accident recently in Levice was discovered in his car with a vacuum pump on his penis with which he had apparently been masturbating while driving.
According to the Nový Čas daily, the man ran into a bus and a nearby traffic sign at an intersection and was injured.
"After the accident, the driver of the Citroen remained lying motionless in his car, so some passers-by and bus passengers went to the car to help the driver," said Peter Polák from the Levice police.
He added that the rescuers were shocked to discover that the driver was naked from the waist down and that he had a vacuum pump on his penis.
According to police, the accident took place on September 6 at 19:10 at an intersection on Štefánikova Street.

An ongoing battle over language in The Netherlands is being fuelled by the country's New Year's word lists.

The Little Green Book, or Het Groene Boekje, the official Dutch spelling guide, was published this year.

But it is being boycotted by public broadcasters, who say it is too silly for words.

Instead, the Dutch media has published its own Little White Book with a list of new words that they want to add to the Dutch language, unofficially.

The Het Witte Boekje will soon embrace the new words of 2007.

It is mostly the big newspapers who come up with new words, like - "blowverbodbord" - a notice stating that it is illegal to consume soft drugs in the immediate area.

The street sign shows a large lit joint in a red warning circle.

It is put up by Amsterdam city council in places where it is officially forbidden to smoke cannabis in public.

Collectors around the world buy "blowverbodborden" for $100 (£51, 75 euros) a piece.

Another new word is "handweigeraar" - or hand refuser, coined after an imam refused to shake hands with the right-wing former Immigration Minister Rita Verdonk.

Such new words are creeping into the Little White Book.

With its alternative spellings and spelling rules, it is the media's way of boycotting The Little Green Book.

As the official Dutch spelling guide, government, schools and the Dutch news agency ANP have to abide by Het Groene Boekje.

But the press and broadcasters are sticking to the rules in their own Little White Book.

Faced with two sets of spelling rules, many in the Netherlands say they are not surprised their native tongue is referred to as double Dutch.

Note the story about Doncaster.

Singapore is sending psychiatrists into schools to help stem a growing addiction to the internet.

An eight-year-old girl was detained by Australian police after a stolen car she was driving near Perth was halted by a puncture.

Women MP's in Austria accused the Woman's Affairs Minister - a man - of insulting them because he has set up a seperate department for men.

Doncaster council is spending £4,000 on two-and-a-half hour courses for staff to show them how to change a light bulb. The council said: "It is a statutory duty to provide such information."

A German fighter pilot fired seven rounds at a Dutch air control tower before realising that he should have been aiming at a bright orange tent.

Saltwater crocodiles have been swimming in the streets of Cairns, Queensland, after high tides.

A busy barber in Bristol has installed a webcam so that customers can see how long the queue is before leaving home.

Four sisters have been fighting each other so long over who should inherit their mother's home in Sunderland, that the proceeds from the sale of the house will be swallowed by legal bills.

A memorial service for a sailor who had been missing for a week from a US Navy ship was called off when he walked out of a storeroom.

A man was jailed in central Ghana for killing vultures and selling the plucked birds as chickens.

A monastery in Greece is to change its status to a brotherhood after the churches ruling body told 15 monks there to abandon their 'scandalous ways'.
The monks have formed themselves into a pop group and have already had one hit.

Robbers using an explosive device to open a security device in Paris were foiled because the force of the blast scattered the banknotes all over the road.

Following complaints about smelly dairy farms in America, a 350,000 pounds project at the University of California has produced a cow dung freshener.

A British businessman, who wanted to remain anonymous, gave his wife a 14 million pound submarine for Christmas. He ordered it from the American store Neiman Marcus' mail order catalogue.

A Russian, aged 50, was jailed in Moscow for killing a friend and serving his flesh as 'veal' to guests at a New Year's banquet.

Passengers were held up for two hours after a train encountered the wrong type of insects at Honshu, Japan. It stalled after running over an army of millipedes.

A hospital trust is flying a Spanish surgeon from Madrid to Yorkshire each weekend to help reduce hospital waiting lists. The cost of his fee and air tickets are cheaper than the fee of a private surgeon in Britain.

Passengers on a Swissair flight were stranded overnight in New York when the pilot was detained for 18 hours after being arrested whilst jogging in Central Park

A beer taster in Brazil, who had to sample up to 21 pints a day, was awarded damages after complaining that he had become an alcoholic.

A man trying to retrieve a mobile phone dropped in a lion's cage in Mexico was mauled when the phone suddenly rang and woke up the lion.

A family in Wigan, England is to move after being burgled 20 times. The last straw was when their guard dog was stolen!

A casino waitress in Las Vegas slipped into the rival casino next door after her shift ended and promptly won 22 million pounds on the slot machines! It is not known whether she resigned from her job or was sacked.

The CEO of Dorling Kindersley has resigned after the publishing company sold only 3 million Star Wars books at Christmas. They had printed 13 million!

A man in Slough, England dialled 999 to tell the emergency services that his sister was putting too much corn oil in his food and he was getting fat.

A Japanese firm has invented a vending machine that can change the chime on a mobile phone in 10 seconds.

Custom officers in Frankfurt airport discovered a woman trying to smuggle 1300 bird-eating spiders from Mexico to Germany in her suitcases.

A burglar who stole a BMW sports car had to ask the owner how to start it and then crashed it into a lamp post 400 yards down the road.

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Two poems of mine which have been published in 'Moodswing' magazine.

GLANCING AWAY

I wonder if
Anyone was actually
Writing a poem
At the very moment
When the looking glass
Became a mirror.

SORRY

I know
I spent longer
Looking for your obituary
Than I did speaking
The last time
I saw you alive.

Microsoft TV Dinner Product Insert
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn./08.5min//50%heat/ Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

That, in effect, was what I received from V... halfway through our date at the pub on Sunday afternoon. It was only our fourth date and came as something of a surprise.

When I was struggling to find something to say and we were in the middle of a long, awkward pause she broke the silence by saying that she'd been talking about me with her friends. Before I'd got the chance to think of a reply she then said that she'd also been writing about me in her diary, and then rummaged in her handbag, pulled out the diary and opened it at the appropriate page for me to read.  

I read her diary entry about me and it basically said that I was everything she was looking for in a man and hoped I would want to be more than just friends and might possibly ask her to marry me.

I didn't know what to do; so just reached out and held her hand and told her I'd like for us to be more than friends. She then said it would give me something to think about before our next date.

As she left for the bus I kissed her briefly on the lips and told her I'd see her after our regular group therapy session on Wednesday afternoon.

This has certainly given me something else to think about other than my forthcoming knee operation.

On Wednesday I think I'll ask her if she fancies coming back to my house to watch some wildlife DVDs and enjoy a snuggle/canoodle on the sofa.

I'm sure she knows that I can't be making any long-term decisions until I've recuperated from my knee operation...but I'll mention it again anyhow.

The timing of this is very convenient; because, if, by the time I have my operation, V.... is comfortable being physically intimate with me it would be nice if she would want to help me with dressing and undressing for the first few days after the operation, because this might be difficult if my knee hurts or I have restricted movement in it.  

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Author Unknown

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Girlfriend 5.0
Desperately seeking technical support!

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn't completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally 'object-oriented.'

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance9e 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a 'huge resource hog.' It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can't turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice...

Surely not all of these can be real? Maybe there is an actual need for them all; some commercial opportunity that can be exploited.

Bizarre Holidays in December

December 1 is National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day

December 2 is National Fritters Day

December 3 is National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day

December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day

December 5 is National Sacher Torte Day

December 6 is National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day

December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

December 8 is Take It In The Ear Day

December 9 is National Pastry Day

December 10 is Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

December 11 is National Noodle Ring Day

December 12 is National Ding-A-Ling Day

December 13 is Ice Cream and Violins Day

December 14 is National Bouillabaisse Day

December 15 is National Lemon Cupcake Day

December 16 is National Chocolate Covered Anything Day More Info on Chocolate

December 17 is Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day

December 18 is National Roast Suckling Pig Day

December 19 is Oatmeal Muffin Day

December 20 is Games Day

December 21 is Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day

December 22 is National Date-Nut Bread Day

December 23 is Roots Day

December 24 is National Egg Nog Day

December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day

December 26 is National Whiners Day

December 27 is National Fruitcake Day

December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day

December 29 is Pepper Pot Day

December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day

December 31 is Unlucky Day

January 1 is Get a Life Day