If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer - who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

I recently posted an entry about a tsunami possibly hitting England early in the seventeenth century and killing two thousand people. Well here's a report of another disaster which affected the UK.

Link to original post.

A little over 200 years ago, the eruption of a volcano in Iceland sent a huge toxic cloud across Western Europe. It was the greatest natural disaster to hit modern Britain, killing many thousands - but it has been almost forgotten by history.

"Such multitudes are indisposed by fevers in this country that farmers have difficulty gathering their harvest, the labourers having been almost every day carried out of the field incapable of work and many die."

So wrote Hertfordshire poet William Cowper in the summer of 1783.

Across the country, newspapers reported the presence of a thick smog, and a dull sun, "coloured like it has been soaked in blood".

The cloud first reached Britain on the 22 June 1783. In his Naturalist's Journal, Gilbert White reported: "The peculiar haze or smoky fog that prevailed in this island and even beyond its limits was a most extraordinary appearance, unlike anything known within the memory of man."

The killer cloud lasted weeks, if not months, and engulfed much of Western Europe - as thousands of kilometres away in Iceland, the volcano Laki continued to erupt.

Millions of tonnes of toxic gas were carried by the prevailing winds across Scandinavia and eventually to Britain.

The cloud contained sulphur dioxide and sulphuric acid which attacked the lungs of its victims, choking and killing men and women, rich and poor alike.

Forgotten disaster

The events are better documented in Iceland where up to a third of the population died. Yet, incredibly, the British tragedy wrought by Laki has been largely forgotten.

Evidence now brought together by BBC Two's Timewatch makes clear the extent of the disaster.

Panic and fear were widespread - as was death. But just how many died, no-one knew until recently.

Dr John Grattan of Aberystwyth University, Wales, has spent a decade scrutinising hundreds of local parish records looking for evidence of Laki's deadly effect.

"In Maulden (in Bedfordshire) the normal number of people who might be expected to have died in the summer would be about four or five - and in the summer of 1783 seventeen people die here.

Acid rain, smog and extreme weather hit Britain for months

Impact on Britain
"In nearby Cranfield, 23 people die in the summer and usually they'd see about six. And in Ampthill, it's 11 and usually it's about five. So parish by parish, these numbers add up considerably."

Dr Grattan's research revealed a similar pattern across the county, and across much of eastern and central England.

From the fives and tens in each parish, Laki's death toll increases into the hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands.

In total, he estimates Laki's killer cloud took the lives of 23,000 British men and women, making it the greatest natural disaster in modern British history. France and other countries were similarly hit.

And it could happen again. Iceland has 18 volcanoes that have been active in recent centuries, the greatest concentration anywhere on the planet.

"There will be another one," says leading vulcanologist Professor Stephen Self, of the Open University, who has studied the Laki eruption.

"It's difficult to predict what size it will be, but there will be future events like this from Iceland.

"Ash clouds, gas clouds, sulphuric acid clouds from Iceland could sweep across Britain again."

Ananova:

Cat and mouse case for cops

Police were called in after a cat tried to pull a mouse out of a jam jar and got its head stuck.

Officers said the incident was reminiscent of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, reports the Peterborough Evening Telegraph.

A motorist went to a police station for help after finding the cat wandering beside a road in Peterborough, with the jar on its head and the mouse millimetres from its nose.

A receptionist and three officers pulled and twisted but were unable to release the cat.

Eventually the animal freed itself - and the mouse - by smashing the jar on the floor of Thorpe Wood police station.

"It was like a scene from Tom and Jerry," said a police spokeswoman.

"I don't think anyone had ever seen anything like it before. The mouse ran off - it's still running around Thorpe Wood police station somewhere."

Romantics searching for a Valentine's Day present with a difference are being urged to consider a car number plate.

Registrations beginning 'KI55' will be available on the DVLA website from February 1 - just in time for the big day.

Some 10,000 number plates will be available including 'KI55 BLE', 'KI55 XME' and - for the less discreet - 'KI55 TEL'.

Another 10,000 registrations beginning with 'MI55' will also be up for grabs for the first time, including 'M155 EDU' and 'M155 XME'.

Louise Pierpoint, publicity manager for DVLA Personalised Registrations commented: "A lot of imagination goes in to choosing the perfect personalised registration for someone."

A mechanic was working on a BMW when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. He shouted across the garage "Hey Doc., can I ask you a question?" The Doctor joined him. "So Doc., look at this layout. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them all back together again, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work??

The surgeon smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running".

How To Come Home Drunk and Still Get a Hot Breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.

Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!

He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-in on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."

"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...

...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

Research into the devastating 1607 flood that affected Burnham-On-Sea and the Bristol Channel in January 1607 has, since 2002, been the subject of a study between Dr Simon Haslett, Head of Geography at Bath Spa University College, author of Coastal Systems and Dr Ted Bryant, School of Geosciences at the University of Wollongong, Australia, author of Tsunami: the Underrated Hazard.

The flood occurred around 9am on the '20th January 1607', although in the modern calendar this is the 30th January 1607. The event is recorded on plaques in a number of churches, including those at Kingston Seymour in Somerset, and in Monmouthshire at Goldcliff, St. Brides, Redwick and Peterstone.

1607 Flood Casualties:

The breaking of the sea bank at Burnham-On-Sea led to some 30 villages being utterly inundated, and their cattle destroyed, and men, women and children besides. The accounts state that 28 people were drowned at Huntspill and 26 at Brean, a death toll that was repeated in many other villages.
At Appledore, Devon, a 60 tonne ship was well-laden and ready to sail and was driven by the wave onto marshy ground well above high tide, likely never to be recovered.
In Barnstaple, Devon, the wave burst open doors that were locked and bolted and knocked down many walls and houses, one of which was the house of a James Frost in that the roof and walls collapsed and killed both him and two of his children.
Near Newport, Gwent, a wealthy women, Mistress Van, lived four miles from the sea and although she saw the wave approaching from her house she could not get upstairs before it rushed through and drowned her.
In Monmouthshire, "a maide child, not passing the age of foure years: it is reported that the mother thereof, perceiving the waters to breake so fast into her house, and not being able to escape with it, and having no clothes on, set it upon a beame in the house, to save it from being drowned. And the waters rushing in a pace, a little chicken as it seemeth, flew up unto it [the child], (it being found in the bosome of it, when helpe came to take it [the child] downe) and by the heate thereof, as it is thought, preserved the childe's life".
In Monmouthshire, "Another little childe is affirmed to have been cast uppon land in a cradle, in which was nothing but a catte [cat], the which was discerned as it came floating to the shoare, to leape still from one side of the cradle unto the other, even as if she had been appointed steresman to preserve the small barke from the waves furie".
In Monmouthshire, "A certain man and woman having taken a tree for their succour, espying nothing but death before their eyes, at last among other things which were carried along, they perceived a certain tubbe of great bignesse to come nearer and nearer unto them, until it rested upon that tree wherein they were, committed themselves, and were carried safe until they were cast upon the drie shore".
In Monmouthshire, "more than did, had perished for want of food, and extreme cold, had not the Rt. Honble. Lord Herbert .... sent out boats to relieve the distresse .... himself goping to such houses as he could minister to their provision of meate and other necessaries".

The Kingston Seymour plaque reads: "An inundation of the sea water by overflowing and breaking down the Sea banks; happened in this Parish of Kingstone-Seamore, and many others adjoining; by reason whereof many Persons were drown'd and much Cattle and Goods, were lost: the water in the Church was five feet high and the greatest part lay on the ground about ten days. WILLIAM BOWER"

The idea that the 1607 flood was due to a tsunami was first put forward by Haslett and Bryant in a scientific paper published in 2002 in the journal Archaeology in the Severn Estuary.

A number of historical documents exist that describe the event and its aftermath. An area from Barnstaple in north Devon, up the Bristol Channel and Severn Estuary to Gloucester, then along the South Wales coast around to Cardigan was affected, some 570 km of coastline.

The coastal population was devastated with at least 2,000 fatalities according to one of the contemporary sources.

In some parts of the coast the population never recovered from the social and economic disaster.

Haslett and Bryant were led to think that the 1607 flood was caused by a tsunami, rather than a storm, for a number of reasons:

1. Some historical accounts indicate that the weather was fine e.g. "for about nine of the morning, the same being most fayrely and brightly spred, many of the inhabitants of these countreys prepared themselves to their affayres" and the ship at Appldedore (see above) is unlikely to be ready to sail in stormy weather.
2. The sea appears to have been "driven back" i.e. retreated out to sea, before the wave struck, a classic tsunami herald.
3. The wave appeared as "mighty hilles of water tombling over one another in such sort as if the greatest mountains in the world had overwhelmed the lowe villages or marshy grounds. Sometimes it dazzled many of the spectators that they imagined it had bin some fogge or mist coming with great swiftness towards them and with such a smoke as if mountains were all on fire, and to the view of some it seemed as if myriads of thousands of arrows had been shot forth all at one time." This is very similar to descriptions of more recent tsunami, such as the tsunami associated with the eruption of Krakatau in 1883, where accounts refer to the sea as being 'hilly', and the reference to dazzling, fiery mountains, and myriads of arrows, is reminiscent of accounts of tsunami on the Burin Peninsula (Newfoundland) in 1929, where the wave crest was shining like car headlights, and in Papua New Guinea in 1998 where the wave was frothing and sparkling.

4. The speed of the wave appears to have been faster than a storm flood as the wave is 'affirmed to have runne …. with a swiftness so incredible, as that no gray-hounde could have escaped by running before them'.

In the summer of 2004, Haslett and Bryant embarked on field work in the area to record any physical impacts of the proposed 1607 tsunami that might still be left in the landscape. They found:
Erosion of rock at the coast that is characteristic of erosion caused by high velocity water flow. This includes two large chunks of farmland on the Severn Estuary north of Bristol that were simply washed away, one where the foundation of the Second Severn Crossing is, and the other is now the reservoir for the Oldbury Nuclear Power Station;
The deposition of layers of sand over wide areas at the time, discovered in boreholes in the ground from north Devon to Gloucestershire to the Gower;
Large boulders that are only easily moved by tsunami waves have been found stacked like dominoes at and above the high tide limits all along the coast.

These signatures of tsunami enable Haslett and Bryant to estimate the scale of the proposed tsunami wave and its affects.

Tsunami height - In the open sea area between north Devon and Pembrokeshire, the wave was just under 4m (13ft) high, but as it entered the constricting funnel-shaped Bristol Channel and Severn Estuary, the wave increased in height to 5m (16ft) along the Glamorgan coast, 5.5m (18ft) along the Somerset coast, and over 7.5m (25ft) high, by the time it reached the Monmouthshire coast. This increase in wave height due to the funnel-shape of the estuary is exactly the same as the process that creates the famous Severn Bore.

Tsunami speed - The speed (velocity) of a tsunami is related to its height, so as it moved up estuary and got squeezed between the opposing shores of England and Wales, it got faster, striking the coast at just over 12 m/sec (27mph) in north Devon and southwest Wales, to just under 14 m/sec (31mph) along the Glamorgan coast, to 14.5 m/sec (32mph) in Somerset, and over 17 m/sec (38mph) in Monmouthshire. This agrees well with the contemporary observations regarding the speed of the wave.

Tsunami inundation - On the flat coastal areas the tsunami was able to penetrate a considerable distance inland. The maximum inland penetration possible of a moving tsunami wave in north Devon and southwest Wales would have been just under 2.5 km (1.55 miles), in Glamorgan just over 3 km (1.86 miles), in Somerset just under 4 km (2.5 miles), and in Monmouthshire just under 6 km (3.7 miles). This agrees well with the accounts of the wave reaching up to 4 miles inland at Cardiff and in Monmouthshire. The fact that the floodwaters reached further inland in places, such as to the foot of Glastonbury Tor (14 miles inland) is due to the fact that the landsurface actually slopes landward in many of the coastal wetland areas, such as the Somerset Levels, so once the wave collapsed the water flowed landward under gravity rather than back to the sea.

A possible cause of the proposed tsunami is not yet known, but the possibilities include a landslide off the continental shelf between Ireland and Cornwall, or an earthquake along an active fault system in the sea south of Ireland. This fault system has apparently experienced an earthquake greater than magnitude 4 on the Richter scale within the last 20 years, so the chance of a bigger tsunami earthquake is a possibility. It may also have been a combination, in that an earthquake might have triggered a submarine slide.

This article was adapted from the findings of a Bath Spa University College study issued by Dr Simon Haslett FGS, FRGS.

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.

The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Belching motorist overturns ban

It was argued that a burp had inflated the breath-test reading
A motorist has had a 12-month drink-drive ban overturned after he successfully argued that his breath test reading was affected by burping.
O Sang Ng was banned for 12 months after admitting the offence to Basingstoke magistrates last year.

But the 46-year-old from Winchester, Hants, appealed saying the intoximeter reading was affected by a burp.

A High Court judge ruled that a belch can be a "special reason" for not disqualifying a driver.

O Sang Ng, of Hambledon Close, was fined £130 last January after admitting driving with excess alcohol.

He had been stopped while driving his Ford Escort in Andover Road, Winchester.

The breath test revealed 53 mcg of alcohol in 100 millilitres of breath. The legal limit is 35mcg.

Artificially inflated

In April, he tried to argue that the reading was artificially inflated by an eructation - or burp - but District Judge Gillian Babington-Browne ruled the belch was "connected to the offender and not the offence" and was not a "special reason" to overturn his driving ban.

At a later court hearing, the disqualification was suspended pending a High Court Appeal.

Allowing O Sang Ng's appeal, Mr Justice Owen said the district judge had erred in law.

"I am satisfied that in this case the evidence upon which the appellant sought to rely before the district judge was directly connected to the offence," he said.

The disqualification was set aside and the case was sent back to magistrates for reconsideration.

After the case, O Sang Ng's barrister Mary Aspinall-Miles explained that a burp "may" elevate a breath alcohol reading for a specimen sample as it was effectively a concentrated gas bubble from the stomach.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'

More unusual search strings entered into search engines to find this blog.

Edison bulb optimist

castor oil cure my sick Jade houseplant

politically correct terms for dirty old man

her long sharp fingernail gouging my rectum

Yorkshire Lucas the Kop cat

I should be at a friend's fiftieth birthday party, but I was the only person to turn up. It's all bit a bit embarrassing for him.

I've nothing any better to do on a Saturday evening and so here I am blogging. [I did have a good afternoon though; V... visited and we enjoyed a canoodle for nearly three hours.

Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8).

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practise your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?

Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

And the number one Biblical saying of mothers is:

1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you moved to. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

BATHROOM Theorem: When you are the only one in a 10 stall bathroom, the next person to come in will use the one right next to you. (This never fails)

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Modern Proverbs for All Occasions:

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met
everybody.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Half The People In The World Are Below Average

Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.

Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times
more
memory.

VILLAGE OF THE BANNED
THE MUSIC AUNTIE BEEB DIDN’T WANT YOU TO HEAR
Because society forever teeters on the brink of social, moral and political collapse, we, as the citizens of this society, cannot be trusted to think for ourselves. Because of this we have always looked to the authorities to protect us from dangerous ideas, concepts and ideals, and for many years the BBC was as the frontline, leading the crusade by fighting evil with a big stick, and a sock full of gravel. Though BBC Radio no longer officially “bans” a single when it has the potential to outrage public decency, it will instead quietly keep it off of the playlists.

Recent examples of such soft-banning have included The Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch Up, in which the band implored you to smack their bitch up, and Cliff Richard’s Millennium Prayer, in which he effectively implored listeners to smack him up, the bitch. Astonishingly, the risible God-cash-in wasn’t the first Cliff record to be banned. His 1972 single Honky Tonk Angel was removed from playlists at the behest of Cliff himself, after he discovered that the title and lyrics referred to prostitution. Clearly, when agreeing to record the song Cliff hadn’t realised that this was the sort of angel who charged money to let you through her pearly gates and play her harp… Status Quo were so outraged when their appalling cover version of the Beach Boys’ Fun Fun Fun failed to make playlists in 1995 that they unsuccessfully attempted to sue the BBC for being “ageist”. Surprisingly, the high-profile court battle isn’t mentioned on the otherwise comprehensive band history to be found on the official Quo website.

Possibly most famous example of Radio One-bannage was Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg’s J’Taime, in 1969. Aside from the song’s suggestive heavy breathing, Gainsbourg urging the listener to go “entre tes reins” (between your kidneys) was considered by the moral watchdogs to be a reference to anal sex. And they were probably right. Likewise, Pete Shelley’s Homosapien was excluded from the playlist in the early 80s for the line “Homo Superior in my interior”, and Scott Walker’s Jackie outraged BBC bosses, who were clearly personally offended by references to “Authentic queers”.

Famously, in 1983 Radio One DJ Mike “Myfanwy” Read sussed the worst-kept non-secret in music. Having just played Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Relax, the red-faced and fuming twat apologised to listeners for not realising that the lyrics “Relax, just do it, when you want to suck to it, Relax, just do it, when you want to come,” were a reference to ejaculation and possible homosexual activities, such as bum-ups, men-touch and knob-knob-suck-suck (the outraged Read being a fine one to talk, given that, according to a national newspaper some years later, he liked to bed impressionable young fans while listening to The Icicle Works). By the time the BBC got around to banning Relax it had already been performed on Top Of The Pops, and was at number two in the charts. The resultant publicity surrounding the ban propelled it to number one.

Others were less fortunate. Years earlier The Au Pairs’ Come Again disappeared without a trace following a ban, as did Ivor Biggun’s The Winker’s Song (Misprint), in 1978. However, Biggun later achieved notoriety on Esther Rantzen’s That’s Life as Doctor Cox, replacing cross-eyed eldster Cyril Fletcher in the show’s regular “rude vegetable” slot. It wasn’t carrots shaped like penises which led to the banning of The Trogg’s I Can’t Control Myself, in 1966, but a combination of the suggestive title, and a dirty noise made by Reg Presley. Likewise The Rolling Stones’ Let’s Spend The Night Together, which was alleged – not without good reason – to promote the evil of promiscuity. More shockingly still, The Beatles’ I Am The Walrus was considered too risqué to broadcast, due to its use of the line “Boy, you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down”.

Of course, profanity is an immediate no-no when it comes to choosing BBC playlists, and so The Super Furry Animals’ The Man Don’t Give A Fuck, The Dead Kennedys’ Too Drunk To Fuck, Fatboy Slim’s Fucking In Heaven, Neil Young’s Fucking Up, Ian Dury’s Fucking Ada, and Oasis’s forthcoming Fuckin’ In The Bushes have never been candidates for airplay. Stupidly, Richie Kavanagh’s folky Aon Focal Eile was banned because the first syllable of “focal” – Celtic for “word” – was considered to sound too much like “fuck”. Others made it through with edits. Prince’s Sexy Motherfucker was renamed Sexy MF and bleeped, as was Radiohead’s Creep (the line “You’re so fucking special” getting the censorship treatment), while Beautiful South’s Don’t Marry Her Have Me was originally titled Don’t Marry Her Fuck Me.

Sex and swearing aren’t the only reasons for the BBC to ban records; the allegedly neutral Kommandant Beeb can’t be seen to promote any sort of political opinion, and so records containing apparently pro-IRA sentiments such as Paul McCartney’s self-explanatory Give Ireland Back To The Irish, Marxman’s Sad Affair, McGuinness Flint’s Let The People Go and The Police’s Invisible Sun, were all kept from broadcast. The Sex Pistols’ anti-royalist God Save The Queen was likewise kept from the ears of BBC Radio listeners for being rude about Her Maj’ The Vag’ (our term, not theirs). Former Marillion frontman Fish got off to a bad start with his solo career (and it all went downhill from there) by opening his 1989 debut solo single, State Of Mind, with the line “I don’t trust the government” (Marillion’s first single, Market Square Heroes survived a ban in 1983 by changing a reference to “Anti-Christ” to “battle priest”… no, really).

As everyone who lived through it remembers, the Gulf War was great. However, BBC schedulers had to be particularly sensitive to ensure no listening Iraqis were offended by the playlist. Among the songs banned for the duration of the war were anything by Bomb The Bass and Massive Attack, The Cure’s Killing An Arab, The Doors’ Light My Fire, Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine’s Bloodsport For All, Status Quo’s In The Army, Lulu’s Boom Bang A Bang, and any song with “War” in the title. The KLF’s 3am Eternal was deemed inappropriate, as it opened with the sound of machinegun fire. Less justifiable were Gulf War bans on A-Ha’s Hunting High And Low, and, most astonishingly of all, Eurovision award winner Nicole’s A Little Peace.

So you see, were it not for the moral guardians of taste and decency at the BBC, our world would be awash with filth and depravity of the unholiest kind.

They may not always get it right (they failed to ban George Michael’s I Want Your Sex, instead committing to post-watershed airplay only), but they kept Cliff’s Christian rallying cry off number one at Christmas. And for that, we should all be thankful.

Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age (a newspaper published in
Australia)

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday,
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
extent and degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating
anyone".

Dumped bride uses dog as groom

A dumped bride went ahead with her wedding reception - using her dog to replace the groom.

Emma Knight, 41, was dumped two weeks before her wedding to Paul Fox, 37.

To cheer herself up she decided to go ahead with her wedding reception anyway.

She dressed her faithful dog Dennis up as the bridegroom and he was treated to a piece of the four-tier wedding cake.

Emma wore the £1,500 wedding dress she had bought and partied until the small hours with her 100 guests.

The next day Emma flew to France with her best pal on a pre-booked honeymoon to St Malo, France.

To try and recoup some of her £3,000 losses, Emma, of Portland, Dorset, is selling items bought for the wedding in a local paper.

According to the Sun she said: "It's the best we could make of a bad situation. We had a great time."

There's something I noticed just after Christmas and have specifically been looking out for these last few days.

There seems to be a lot more silver/grey cars on the roads than I ever remember there being previously.

I'm not a car person [I don't drive and rarely travel in other people's cars] but on one day last week it looked like half the cars were pretty much the same colour of metallic silver or grey, and even I noticed!  

Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.

No....it hasn't snowed in Doncaster yet; although it was quite frosty overnight. The snow I saw was actually probably at least ten miles away which I could see on the Pennines as the bus was descending the hill from Hickleton into Goldthorpe.

A pleasant day spent with my parents in Thurnscoe has been somewhat spoiled by the fact that the bus didn't show up and so I had to spend an hour waiting for the next one in the cold - it still hasn't snowed yet; it's probably cold enough though.

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Worrying about no-one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no-one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

It is claimed that in the UK up to 25% of all calls to 999, the emergency services number, are hoax calls or totally unneccessary/inappropriate ...

Here are some examples.

"I'd like a cuddle please."

"A mouse has swallowed my medicine!!!"

"I need someone to change the television channel."

"I've had a dream that I was unconscious and I've just collapsed."

"Help! My trousers don't fit."

"There's a pigeon in my garden."

"Can you send someone over to get a can of pop out of my fridge?"

"Could I have a pizza delivered please?"

"I've broken my fingernail. HELP!"

Oxford English Dictionary Is Searching For The First 'Tosser', 'Wally' And 'Prat'

Oxford English Dictionary

According to a report seen on the internet, the Oxford English Dictionary is asking the British public to help them find examples of the first usage of around forty naughty English terms including 'Tosser', 'Prat', 'Wassock' and 'Wally'.

They are also trying to find out if anyone went 'dogging' before 1993 (dogging is when people have sex outside in a car and other people watch).

Other questions being asked include:

Was 1989 the first time anyone used the term 'the dogs bollocks'?

Is it possible that a couple somewhere coined the phrase 'domestic' for their loud arguments?

Did anyone 'go bananas' before 1968?

Who was a 'plonker' before 1966?

Did you ever say someone was a 'duh brain' before 1997?

Where was the first 'loo'? The phrase seems to go back to only 1940.

Who decided that the name 'Gordon Bennet' is a mild expletive in Britain?

The full list is here.

If you can help them, their web address is http://www.bbc.co.uk/balderdash.

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better than Sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer d