DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - As crimes go, this one was for the dogs. According to police, James Clay had the munchies early Friday morning so he headed for the hotdogs at a local convenience store. Although his craving appeared satisfied, there was a little problem - he decided to overstuff his bun.

When he went to the counter to pay, the clerk noticed Clay had jammed two hotdogs into his bun, camouflaging his snack under a pile of condiments.

It apparently wasn't the first time Clay had tried to double-dog his bun, so the employee called police.

Hunger was the least of Clay's worries when officers arrived. He was wanted on a warrant for failing to pay child support.

Clay was being held at the Polk County jail under $59,230 bond.

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Numbers, Averages And Percentages
85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

67.5% of men wear briefs.

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.

59% of us say we're average-looking.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

Last night I went to the pub for the first time since before Christmas. I really only went to confirm the details of a friend's fiftieth birthday party next Saturday.

As at any party there'll be plenty of food and booze; but we'll also be having a bit of music and performance.

I've agreed to read/perform some poems by Hilaire Belloc, John Hegley and Attila The Stockbroker - and, of course, I'll read one of my own...which can be found here.

I'm really looking forward to it.

It's only a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, with a population of only a few dozen - mainly the descendents of the mutineers from HMS Bounty and their Tahitian womenfolk.

These placenames are strange [and very descriptive] though.

Ah cut
Bitey Bitey
John Catch a Cow
Little George Coconuts
No Guts Captain
Up on Ti
Where Freddy Fell
Where Minnie Off
Where Reynolds Cut The Firewood