Posts archive for: February, 2007
  • Politically Correct Descriptions of Women

    1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

    2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

    3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

    4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

    5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

    6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

    7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

    8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

    9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

    10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

  • Good Riddance!

    A couple of personal thoughts about February; it's not my favourite month.

    1... We usually get the worst weather of the winter.

    2... I only get 28 days of travel on my monthly bus pass.

  • You can only drink so much cider.

    Jag runs on apples

    A Somerset farmer has converted his Jag so it runs on rotting apple fumes.

    Henry Hobhouse, 52, who lives near Castle Cary, packs two underground tanks full of apples and collects the methane gas produced as they rot.

    The 3-litre XJ6 saloon now runs on methane and costs around 40p a litre.

    Henry says the 145mph car gains 10% in power by running on compressed methane and still returns around 28mpg.

    Mr Hobhouse said: "I'm an anorak on green issues. We've got to be taking responsibility for our own actions on a local level.

    "We are miles behind the rest of Europe as you can buy this sort of fuel around France, Germany and Italy."

    He plans to install two small methane-making plants below ground at his farm at Hadspen.

  • More weird tales

    A police operation against speeding drivers in North Wales caught twelve police officers breaking the law.

    Passengers on a P&O cruise were given free hairdos after they found their hair turned bright green when they swam in the liner's swimming pool.

    A lorry driver arrested in St Petersburg protested to police that he was only carrying scrap metal. His load was a disassembled MiG31, the long-range fighter aircraft, codenamed the Foxhound.

    A council told a couple in Solihull to remove a headstone on the grave of their 11-year-old daughter. It is an inch above the cemetery regulation height of 8 ins.

    A suitcase a German lost in 1979 was found outside a Dusseldorf police station. His clothes showed no signs of moths.

    Street markets in Caracas, Venezuela, are selling pirated copies of the latest Harry Potter book. On almost every page chunks are missing with a note from the Spanish translator saying: "Sorry, I didn't understand this."

    The Prison Service objected to plans for a new rail depot in East Anglia. It said that prisoners at Whitemoor jail might be kept awake at night.

    For years a recluse chased children off his ramshackle farm in Jackson, Oregon. In his will he left $11.25 million to turn his land into a sports park for children.

    A German businessman lost €98,000 from a briefcase he left on the roof of his car. Police found €4,200 scattered on a motorway - and two days later a man handed in another €40,600

    Three Italian tourists spent two nights in their car after forgetting the name of their B&B in Dublin. Police found the landlady by issuing a radio appeal.

    Surgeons in Texas settled out of court with a man who sued them for $3 million. He awoke from a prostrate operation to find his penis had been removed.

    A businessman made a redezvous with a thief who had stolen one of his delivery vans in Bradford and asked police to go with him to arrest the man. The police said: "We are too busy."

    A women's football team in Germany is being sponsored by a brothel. The players will wear shirts with the name of the brothel across their chests and "Always worth a visit".

    A youth of 17 died of suffocation while swimming in Cambodia. He caught an 8in kantrob fish, but it leapt out of his hands and into his mouth.

    Forgers have successfully passed counterfeit €300 notes in Europe, according to the European Parliament economic committee. The €300 denomination note does not exist.

    Scientists at Bradford University have received a £90,000 grant to study the cause of hair turning grey.

    Two Coventry social workers were suspended after taking children in care on a trip to Bournemouth. One 14-year-old boy was found 100 miles away beside the A34 - apparently dumped because of his bad behaviour.

    When Vietnam's top beauty queen vanished her family said she had been kidnapped. She emerged from hiding a week later saying that she did not want to go to Britain to study.

    A couple in Urbana, Ohio, shaved the head of their seven-year-old daughter and gave her sleeping pills to make it look as if she had leukaemia. They obtained $31,000 from donors before being arrested.

    The Malaysian government has overturned a religious court's ruling that Muslim men can divorce their wives via mobile text messages.

    Brian Walker from Newcastle-on-Tyne has become the first person to walk from John O'Groats to Lands End for charity with a 40lb door on his back.

    A man who put up his wife for sale on the internet was inundated with responses. Andy and Mel Hoyle of Wrexham opened bids at £1 as a joke but withdrew when a man offered an £8,000 motorcycle and his wife.

    Directors at Woolworths were baffled by a new Japanese game that is expected to be a best-seller at Christmas. They hired a boy of nine to explain it to them.

    A mother in Kazakhstan kept her daughter's mummified corpse in her flat for three years. Police said that she told them she hoped that aliens would resurrect her.

    A warlord accused of running a brutal campaign of murder, torture and extortion in Afghanistan was arrested in London. He was running a pizza parlour in Streatham.

    Ghyllgrove infant school in Basildon, Essex, has appealed to parents to donate toilet rolls because the school cannot afford to buy its own.

    A husband in Plymouth was jailed for two months for being in breach of a restraining order. He had sent his estranged wife a bunch of flowers.

    When the 380 Danish troops stationed in Iraq complained about the heat in their armoured vehicles they were sent salt for de-icing equipment, a snowplough and a lawnmower.

    A burglar severed a testicle as he climbed through a window in Berkshire. The householder, Joyce Edwards, 80, said "He was screaming but I was in no mood to be sympathetic."

    A 53-year-old man from the United Arab Emirates, who has 30 sons and 33 daughters, married for the 12th time in an attempt to win a place in the Guinness Book of Records by fathering 100 offspring.

  • Remote-controlled pigeons.

    Bird-brained China scientists learn to fly pigeons Tuesday February 27, 05:49 AM

    BEIJING (Reuters) - Scientists in eastern China say they have succeeded in controlling the flight of pigeons with micro electrodes planted in their brains, state media reported on Tuesday.

    Scientists at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Centre at Shandong University of Science and Technology said ther electrodes could command them to fly right or left or up or down, Xinhua news agency said.

    "The implants stimulate different areas of the pigeon's brain according to signals
    sent by the scientists via computer, and force the bird to comply with their commands," Xinhua said.

    "It's the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world," Xinhua quoted the centre's chief scientist, Su Xuecheng, as saying.

    Su and his colleagues, who Xinhua said had had similar success with mice in 2005, were improving the devices used in the experiment and hoped that the technology could be put into practical use in future.

    The report did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons.

  • Another Top Thirty List

    Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity:

    1. A few clowns short of a circus.

    2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

    3. A few beers short of a six pack.

    4. A few peas short of a casserole.

    5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

    6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

    7. One taco short of a combination plate.

    8. A few feathers short of a duck.

    9. All foam, no beer.

    10. The cheese slid off his cracker.

    11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

    12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

    13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

    14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

    15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

    16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

    17. As smart as bait.

    18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

    19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

    20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

    21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

    22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.

    23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

    24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

    25. Receiver is off the hook.

    26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

    27. Skylight leaks a little.

    28. Slinkys kinked.

    29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

    30. One board short of a porch.

    (I haven't a clue what numbers 7,11, and 28 refer to)

  • This might be true.....I don't know.

    Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
    The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made.

    But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
    NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

  • Home Team Advantage

    Footballers needed oxygen

    A Brazilian football club says it will never again play at high altitude after 'inhumane' conditions in the mountains of Bolivia.

    Flamengo players repeatedly had to go to the sidelines for oxygen during their 2-2 draw in Potosi, reports the Guardian.

    Flamengo drew 2-2 in the Libertadores Cup Group Five match at nearly 4,000 metres above sea level.

    Club president Marcio Braga described the performance as "epic" but said the conditions were "unsporting and inhumane".

    Braga added: "A football pitch at an altitude not recommended by health specialists does not offer equal conditions to both teams and this damages the sporting principle of fair play.

    "It degrades the human condition and puts the life of the athletes at risk. Failure to ban games in these conditions is the same as condoning doping."

    Potosi's Mario Mercado stadium is one of the world's highest professional football grounds.

    The city's lack of an airport adds to the difficulties with visiting teams having to face a 100 mile trip over mountain roads.

  • You're never too old.

    Pensioner sues over sex marathon

    A retired Polish teacher is suing the organisers of a world record sex session after they forgot to pixelate his face.

    Leszek Szwerowski, 61, was spotted standing in line to take part in the contest organised as part of the World Sex Championships in 2003.

    The contest involved three young women having sex with as many men as they could over the course of several hours.

    But Szwerowski, from Warsaw, said the company behind the event, Pink-Press, reneged on promises to keep his identity secret and hide his face on film.

    He said he was left embarrassed when his young nephew saw him on a later DVD of the event and told the rest of his family.

    He said: "I was told that the faces of the participants would be blurred on the computer on which the film was saved. But this was not the case."

    Szwerowski is demanding £2,500 in damages.

  • Stressed out families

    Top Ten Signs You Know Your Family Is Stressed

    10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

    9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

    8. The cat is on Valium.

    7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

    6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

    5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

    4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

    3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

    2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

    1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

  • Professional disagreement

    Surgeons fight during operation

    An operation in a Belgrade hospital was disrupted when two surgeons started fighting in the operating theatre.

    The surgeons stormed out of the room and carried on fighting outside, reports the daily Politika newspaper.

    Surgeon Spasoje Radulovic was operating when his colleague Dragan Vukanic entered and made a remark that started a quarrel, said the anaesthesiologist on duty.

    "At one moment Vukanic pulled the ear of the operating doctor, slapped him in the face and walked out," she said.

    Radulovic followed and an all-out fight ensued, resulting in bruises, a split lip, loose teeth and a fractured finger.

    The operation was completed successfully by the attending assistant doctor.

  • Emergency call to the fire brigade

    BERLIN (Reuters) - A group of young German women used so much spray deodorant in the bathroom of a North Sea youth hostel that it set off a fire alarm and brought the local fire brigade rushing to the rescue, police said on Monday.

    "The fumes of the pleasant-smelling deodorant were so intense that they drifted up to the ceiling and set off a fire detector," said Volker Buttgereit of the Buesum police force.

    Local authorities said they were also surprised the heavy use of deodorant could set off the alarm. "Hopefully the girls will get by with a little less spray next time," said Buttgereit.

  • In town this morning

    I popped into 'Poundworld' to buy some socks. However the tills weren't working and the staff were struggling to cope and one of the young assistants on the till called for the manageress. By the time she arrived I was getting rather impatient and explained to her that the maths isn't difficult; everything costs £1 without exception.

    I got no response from her and so just noisily placed my Pound coin on the counter and walked out holding my packet of three pairs of socks.

    I hung about outside the shop for a couple of minutes and it looked like that at least one other person, and possibly two, had done likewise.

    Viva La Revolución!

  • The worst age to be

    Three men discuss the worst age to be.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

    "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

    "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

    "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

    "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

    "I don't wake up until 7:00."

  • Another list

    Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

    10. Have you looked through her briefs?

    9. He's one hard judge!

    8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

    7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

    6. Is it a penal offense?

    5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

    4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

    3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

    2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

    1. Think you can get me off?

  • Dog For Sale

    Apparently this sign is permanently attached to a gatepost somewhere in America.

    Dog For Sale:

    Answers to the name of Dolly.

    FREE to approved home, will eat anything, excellent guard dog.

    Loves other small-dog breeds.

    Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more kids,
    thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood.... for
    him to eat!

    Most of them knew him as " F*CK ME !! "

    Your help will be appreciated....

  • Water!!!

    I've just had a knock on the front door and the contractors working for the water company have asked me to turn my tap on for a couple of minutes so that they can adjust the water pressure for the street fo the weekend. We should be alright now until Monday; we just need to boil any drinking water...but, at least the toilet will flush and I'll be able to have a bath later.

  • And I thought Yorkshire was ignored by the BBC

    Storm of protest in 'Nowheresville'

    The BBC has apologised after a weatherman described the Western Isles of Scotland as "nowheresville".

    Viewers complained after Tomasz Schafernaker used the description during two weather bulletins.

    During the forecasts on BBC1 and BBC News 24, the meteorologist said there would be rain in the the north-west of Scotland.

    He then added that it would be "mainly in the Western Isles, mainly in nowheresville".

    Western Isles MP Angus MacNeil said he had been contacted by some angry constituents who were offended at how their part of Britain had been portrayed.

    He said one complainer described Mr Schafernaker's comment as "insulting, ignorant and self-satisfied".

    Mr MacNeil said: "I think this is symptomatic of the wider attitude the BBC have of the hiding of Scotland - they seem to have stopped reporting on the geographical entirety of the UK."

    Mr Schafernaker said: "My intention was only to convey that very few people were likely to catch a shower on that day.

    "It was in no way a comment or opinion on the area or the people that live there. I deeply regret my choice of words and fully understand why it offended viewers."

  • I wonder what he was watching.

    Mummified man found in front of his Long Island TV

    HAMPTON BAYS, N.Y. — The partially mummified body of a man dead for more than a year has been found in a chair in front of his television, which was still on, authorities said.

    Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, apparently died of natural causes, said Dr. Stuart Dawson, Suffolk County's deputy chief medical examiner.

    Police found Ricardo's body this week when they investigated a report of burst pipes.

    The home's dry air had preserved his features, morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus said.

    "You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Bacchus said.

    Ricardo's wife died years ago, and he lived alone, Dawson said.

    "He hasn't been heard from in over a year. That's the part that baffles me," he said. "Nobody sounded the alarm."

    Neighbours said they had thought Ricardo was in a hospital or nursing home.

    "We never thought to check on him," said neighbor Diane Devon.

  • Surgeons' Lame Excuse

    Surgeons trying to correct the limp of a five-year-old boy in China has apologised after lengthening the wrong leg.

    They say the mistake was down to the boy being anaesthetised on his back but then operated on while lying on his stomach.

    Xiangya Second Hospital in Changsha city operated on Miao Mingming whose right leg is shorter than his left.

    "The doctor suggested surgery to extend the withered tendon, and we agreed. But when Mingming came out of the operating room, I found his left leg was in the cast," complained his father.

    The hospital has admitted its mistake and promised to take full responsibility, reports Xinhua News.

    Chief doctor Zhao said: "I am very sorry about what happened. Before the surgery, the patient was lying on his back and received full anaesthesia, and then the surgery was done with the patient lying on his stomach."

    Now Mingming has to undergo two more operations, one to extend the right leg, the other to shorten the extended left leg.

  • It's a dog's life

    Dog buys his own sausages

    A dog owner in China says his pet is smart enough to buy himself sausages when he's hungry.

    Wu Qianhe, of Chengdu city, says his pooch, Lele, barks to let him know he's feeling hungry.

    "I'll drop him one yuan, and he takes the money in his mouth and runs to the neighbouring shops, which all know him well," says Qianhe.

    Lele will not release the money until he's been given the sausage, reports Chengdu Evening Papers.

    "He is smart enough to tell the difference between a piece of white paper and money. You can never cheat him," added Qianhe.

  • New.....from America!

    Celebrity Buttplugs
    Now you can stick George W. Bush up your butt.

    Celebrity Buttplugs have the likeness of famous people. Thus far, they have...

    * George W. Tush
    * Smell Gibson (Braveheart Edition)
    * Parass Hilton
    They'll also make a "custom buttplug" for you, if you send them a close-up photo of someone, perhaps yourself, your ex, or whatever turns you on.

    Soon to be available is an "expander" for the Dubya model that squeezes air into his head, expanding his ego, and increasing your pleasure.

  • Well; I don't feel guilty about eating chocolate

    Jail me, urges chocolate-eating Dutchman
    35-year-old says he benefits from African child slavery in cocoa production

    AMSTERDAM, The Netherlands - A Dutch journalist asked an Amsterdam court on Friday to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast.

    Teun van de Keuken, 35, is seeking a jail sentence to raise consumer awareness and force the cocoa and chocolate industry to take tougher measures to stamp out child labor.

    “If I am found guilty of this crime, any chocolate consumer can be prosecuted after that. I hope that people would stop buying chocolate and thus hurt the sales of big corporations and make them do something about the problem,” van de Keuken said.

    Ivory Coast, the world’s No. 1 cocoa producer which has been racked by instability since a brief 2002 civil war, is the target of allegations by international rights groups that children are working as slaves on its cocoa plantations.

    Van de Keuken launched his attempt to be charged for eating chocolate two years ago when the Dutch public prosecutor ruled that it was not a case for the courts and that the journalist was not directly involved with the cocoa business.

    On Friday, he appealed against the prosecutor’s decision before a court which is expected to rule in April.

    The journalist traveled to Burkina Faso to track down former child slaves who he said were sold by their impoverished parents or lured by merchants to work on Ivory Coast farms.

    Van de Keuken said he has now brought one of these former child slaves to testify in court against him.

    “We profit from these people and they get almost nothing in return. As consumers we are also responsible for these atrocities,” van de Keuken told Reuters.

    He urged consumers to choose fair trade chocolate but warned it was often difficult to trace the origin of cocoa beans.

    The Netherlands is the biggest importer and processor of cocoa beans in the European Union, which accounts for 40 percent of global cocoa processing.

    “I cannot deny that there are issues with child labor but it is totally wrong to call it slavery,” said Robert Zehnder, secretary general of the European Cocoa Association. “We work with governments and NGOs to address the problem.”

    David Zimmer from the CAOBISCO industry association said boycotts of chocolate would hurt farmers in west Africa as 10 million people depended on cocoa for their livelihood.

    Members of the global chocolate and cocoa industry signed an accord in late 2001 for the introduction of a certification system by July 2005 that would enable customers to choose chocolate produced without abusive labor practices. But, to the frustration of rights groups, deadlines have been slipping

  • Up or Down

    Two pensioners go for on a fishing trip

    At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

    Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

    They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

    "Do you want to go up or down?"

    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

    When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

    He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

    There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

    She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

    The woman replied, "Down."

    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

    She replied, "Up."

    This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

    She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "fuck or drown."

  • Caught farting

    This lady thinks she has got away with it; no such luck

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
    Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

  • Divorced because of pumpkin pie

    A Russian man divorced his wife of 18 years after finding she had been feeding him cheap pumpkins instead of courgettes.

    Ivan Dimitrov, 47, was devastated to find the pies he had been eating for six months were made of pumpkins and not courgettes.

    Mr Dimitrov, from Voronezh, said when he realised the truth, after finding pumpkin rinds in the bin, he immediately hired a lawyer to organise a quick divorce from wife Irena, 38.

    He said: "She knows I absolutely hate pumpkins and she lied to me for months about it just because the pumpkins were cheap.

    "What else has she been lying about? What man could trust a woman who fed him pumpkins for half a year?"

  • Village sells street names to raise cash

    BUDAPEST (Reuters) - A cash-strapped Hungarian village is offering the chance of immortality to anyone willing to pay to have a street named after them, and it's hoping world famous celebrities apply.

    The northeastern village of Ivad is charging around 100,000 forints ($511) per meter to name its eight streets and guarantees on its web site that the name will not be altered for 300 years.

    "If, for example Barbra Streisand, whom I like a lot, has no street named after her, she may decide to have one in our village," said Gabor Ivady, mayor of Ivad where most of the 400-strong population are related.

    People keen to visit the street named after them, however, will be disappointed as Hungarian law dictates roads cannot be named after the living.

    Instead they will have to rely on a contract guaranteeing the name change will take posthumously.

  • Unusual injuries suffered by footballers

    Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.

    Arsenal vs Chelsea, Saturday 6th May 200. After scoring Arsenal's (and his) second (and winning) goal, Thierry Henry went to celebrate in the corner of the pitch and required treatment after hitting himself in the face with the corner flag

    New Scientist of 5th August 1999 reported on research into a condition called SARA (sexually acquired reactive arthritis) in sportsmen, particularly footballers. It seems that footballers have so much sex that they're particularly susceptible to the condition, which in turn makes them more susceptible to knee injuries.

    Perry Groves was on the bench for an Arsenal match . His team went one-nil up and he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from physio Gary Lewin.

    Sometime in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.

    David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote Another time, when already out with an injured knee, Seaman went carp fishing and put his shoulder out while reeling in a 26 pounder.

    Carlo Cudicini is also said to have damaged a knee reaching for a remote control.

    In 1970 the career of Chic Brodie (Brentford keeper) was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.

    In 1975 Man United keeper Alex Stepney screamed so hard at his team-mates that he broke his jaw.

    Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection .

    Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.

    In 1999 Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.

    In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!

    Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.

    Wolves striker Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control

    Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win.

    David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.

    Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye

    Republic of Ireland star Alan McLoughlin, John Durnin's golf-partner (see above), ruptured his right thumb picking up daughter Megan.

    Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.

    Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.

    Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin

    Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.

    Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board.

    Rio Ferdinand of Leeds damaged his knee in January 2001, while relaxing in front of the telly with his feet up on a coffee table.

    Former Arsenal keeper Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his next club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there.

  • Defend your girlfriend's honour!

    A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happened.

    "As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

    The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

    "He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

    "He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

    His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

    The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

  • I can do without this!

    I've just received a leaflet from the local water company informing me that my supply is going to be cut off from 8 a.m to 8 p.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday whilst they dig up the road. Absolutely wonderful!

    Not only will I have to wait for a couple of hours on Thursday night until I can cook myself a meal; but I won't have enough time for the water to get hot enough for me to have a bath - so I might be a bit smelly at work on Friday. Of course, I only work a half day on Friday, and not at all on Saturday, so I'll be even more inconvenienced by having to eat at cafes in town...and there won't be any compensation on offer either.

  • West Virginia Cops

    Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

    "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

    "You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

    "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

    The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

    The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

    "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

    "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

    "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

    "Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me".

  • Who's the boss?

    When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be boss.

    The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all thoughts.

    The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't be able to see.

    The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that brought man wherever he wanted to go.

    The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for the whole body and he should be boss.

    Then the asshole applied for the job.The other parts laughed so hard that the asshole got angry and closed up for a week. The stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the asshole will be the boss.

    This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

  • They must think there's a market for it.

    Something I've just found because I've got nothing any better to do this early on a Sunday morning until the newspapers arrive at the newsagent's.

    What the world needs now is some soap that looks like poop.

    "Nope It's Soap" claims to have a coffee scent, and can be used as an exfoliator.

    Got a kid with a dirty mouth? Tell him you're gonna wash his mouth out with this!

    The manufacturer claims that each bar pile of soap is hand made, and unique, no molds, no mass production. Just like the real thing.

  • How low?

    I've just finished eating some pork sausages, which, according to the list of ingredients on the label, contain just 32% pork.

    I'm now wondering just how little meat sausages can actually contain and still be legally described as pork sausages, and do the same regulations apply to beef sausages as well?

  • Something for the dog lovers.

    Dogs sings ringtones

    A Chinese woman claims her pet dog can 'sing' along with mobile phone ringtones.

    Mrs Zhang, of Xi'an, capital of Shaanxi province, says 14-month-old Dangdang picked up the habit a year ago.

    "I was in the kitchen and my mobile phone rang in the sitting room. Then I heard Dangdang making a series of strange sounds, which was exactly in the rhythm of the music.

    "He stopped when I picked up the phone," she told Xi'an Evening Papers.

    From then on, whenever her mobile phone rang, Dangdang has 'sung' along with the music.

    "The difference between high and low tunes is quite obvious, and the speed is also in good control. From his expression he seems to enjoy the singing," added Mrs Zhang.

    She says Dangdang is a very intelligent dog who escorts guests downstairs when they leave and barks farewell.

    And she added: "He knows how to play dead. If you point at him with hand shaped like a gun, he'll immediately fall to the ground and stay still for half an hour."

  • Seeds for the garden

    I've just bought two more packets of seeds; Californian Poppies single mixed, and stocks ten week mixed. Together with the cottage garden annuals and butterfly annuals I purchased earlier, I'm going to spend the next hour or so planting them in seed trays indoors.

    Outside, the daffodils are only about a week away from blooming and the bluebells won't be far behind.

  • Toilet Paper

    A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

    The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

    "Just rub toilet paper between them."

    Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

    "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

  • More strange tales

    An Oklahoma woman who shot her husband dead told police that they had been arguing over who should feed their goats.

    Police in Southampton are handing out free lollipops to late-night revellers in an attempt to reduce violence on the streets. Just one hitch: a fight broke out when one man didn't get one.

    The South Derbyshire Acute Hospitals Trust refused a £50 donation from a woman because she had won the money posing topless in a tabloid newspaper.

    Two policemen were called to escort an Israeli tourist who fell asleep on the New York Subway off the train. He was fined $50 for taking up two seats.

    A school's athletics competition in west London was halted temporarily. The race starter accidentally shot himself in the leg.

    A disabled woman was awarded £8,000 after a faulty stairlift catapulted her down the stairs at her home near Pontypridd, Wales. She now lives in a bungalow!

    An academic at the University of Queensland, Australia, was given £32,000 of state money to "prove Jesus was gay". He came to the conclusion that three disciples were homosexual too.

    A firm in Newcastle set up to help people clear their debts has gone into voluntary liquidation owing £5 million.

    Thieves in northern Columbia were caught after withdrawing £2,500 from cash machines with a credit card they found. It belonged to the country's president, Alvarao Uribe.

    Following reports that a shortage of plumbers makes it possible for them to earn £70,000 a year, a training course in Bristol received 2,000 applications for the 36 places.

    Two years ago a Liverpool wife complained to Tony Blair that she had waited eight hours on a hospital trolley. She was assured it would never happen again. She went back to hospital last week and waited 30 hours.

    A German court fined a man £1,900 for celebrating his neighbour's death by loudly singing "It's a Wonderful Day".

    A man aged 61 is suing the Arriva bus company in Yorkshire. He claims that his bus was late.

    A man died after running into a South African supermarket, seizing a butcher's saw and starting to cut off his head. Shop staff were receiving counselling.

    America's oldest coffee roaster has had to shut his shop after New York's environmental agency fined him $400 for failing to control the smell of coffee. A local resident had complained.

    ATurkish soccer club sacked its French star Pascal Nourma after he put his hand down his shorts to celebrate scoring a goal. He said the gesture was a "private sign of joy".

    A Swedish job-hunter advertised herself in a newspaper as "anti-social, uncreative and untalented". She got a job the next day, which increased her pay by £1,300.

    Karen Buckley, who has three teenage children, was chosen "Mum of the Year" by a local newspaper in Rochdale. After receiving her prize she disclosed that she had had a sex-change operation and that she was the father of the children.

    A German professor of biology said that he had discovered a new way to boost fertility. He had found that human sperm become excited when exposed to the scent of lily of the valley.

    Twin brothers aged 78 were arrested in Italy after their 90-year-old brother was found locked in an attic. Police said that the twins lived for years on their brother's war pension.

    The British Metropolitan Police set up a stall at the Cannes television festival to sell video film of car chases direct to producers. It expects to raise £1 million.

    The Mayor of Chepstow, Gwent, Wales, resigned over his affair with an undertaker after she was convicted of stealing money from collection boxes at funerals.

    A Beefeater who lives within the walls of the Tower of London, and less than 100 yards from the Crown jewels, was refused household insurance.

    Keith Sanderson lost the tip of his thumb in a factory guillotine in Newcastle upon Tyne. He then cut off a finger showing his manager how it happened.

    A bricklayer sent to prison on a driving charge had pleaded with Weymouth magistrates not to jail him as he was due to marry the next week. The local newspaper reported the case - alerting his wife that he was about to commit bigamy.

  • One smart wife

    A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing over in Ireland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and put out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I'll drop by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the goo d wife she did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some trout, and a few carp. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

    The wife replied, " I did. They're in your tackle box..."

  • Excuses....excuses.

    If you’re thinking about taking a sick day without being sick, try to avoid the following excuses, which are all true and have been compiled by Career Builder via hiring managers:
    1. Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
    2. A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
    3. Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
    4. Employee called from his cell phone, saying that he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and that no one was around to let him out.
    5. Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
    6. Employee’s wife said he couldn’t come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
    7. One of the walls in the employee’s home fell off the night before.
    8. Employee’s mother was in jail.
    9. A skunk got into the employee’s house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
    10. Employee had a bad case of hiccups.
    11. Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.
    12. Employee’s horses got loose and were running down the highway.
    13. Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
    14. Employee’s dog swallowed her bus pass.

  • House Church

    Back garden burials

    A Serbian man wants to turn his home into a church because so many of his neighbours and friends are buried in his back garden

    Dragan Djordjevic, 53, from the southern village of Grbavce, applied for permission to register his garden as a cemetery so his mother could be buried there when she died ten years ago.

    He said: "The nearest cemetery was too far away. I thought if I buried her in the back garden I could visit her grave more often, and save time.

    "Then a neighbour asked if they could bury a relative there as I had permission, and now I have 70 neighbours and friends in my back garden."

    He said he has now applied for permission to turn the house into a church, daily newspaper Glas Javnosti reported.

  • Oh dear!!!

    Season ticket gaffe

    A Man Utd fan's wife gave her hubby a £550 season ticket - four months after the Premiership kicked off.

    She bought it last year but didn't hand it to him until his 40th birthday earlier this month, reports the Sun.

    Her blunder meant the fan missed 11 games. To make matters worse, she also bought her son a junior ticket.

    A United supporter who sits near the man at Old Trafford said: "A few of us noticed the seats were empty.

    "His wife mustn't know much about football. He must be gutted."

  • I don't think I'd be eligible for this

    Restaurant offers skinny models free meals

    LONDON, Feb 12 (Reuters Life!) - Size zero models in town for London Fashion Week now have one less excuse to skip a meal.

    A restaurant popular with celebrities and fashionistas is offering free food to skinny models who have come under attack for promoting a stick-thin image which critics says encourages eating disorders in young women.

    Bumpkin restaurant in trendy Notting Hill is offering models with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of less than 18 the opportunity to gorge on fish pies, lamb burgers, king prawns and scallops.

    "If I could recommend a dish to a size zero model, it would be a charter pie containing leeks, chicken and bacon; it's enough to keep you warm and energised all day," Bumpkin general manager Dariush Nejad said in a statement on Monday.

    The issue of size zero or "skinny models" has dogged fashion shows around the world after two anorexic Latin American models died last year and has been under the international spotlight during the spring fashion season in New York, Milan, Paris and London, which began on Sunday.

    Madrid last year banned models with a BMI below 18 from taking part in fashion shows. BMI is a measure expressed as a ratio of weight to height. A BMI limit of 18 means a 5-foot-8 inch (173 cm) model must weigh at least 120 pounds (54 kg).

    Models with a BMI of less than 18 who visit Bumpkin for lunch or dinner will be invited to select any food off the menu, simply by showing their modelling card which states if they are size zero, the restaurant said.

    The restaurant boasts of its popularity with the London glitterati, saying recent visitors included fashion designer Stella McCartney, filmmaker Guy Ritchie, popstar Simon le Bon and his wife Yasmin.

  • Trapped in Doncaster

    Earlier this evening I went to visit a friend, and, because of roadworks, the bus journey that usually takes five minutes took forty - it would have been quicker to walk!

    This now means that three out of the six arterial routes in and out of the town have major ongoing roadworks at the same time: a nice bit of planning by the authorities!

  • Catching the wrong bus

    BANGKOK, Feb. 7 (UPI) -- A woman who boarded the wrong bus on an attempted shopping trip from Thailand to Malaysia has returned home after 25 years.

    Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus because she could not read or speak Thai or English, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

    Beuraheng, who speaks only the Yawi dialect used by Muslims in southern Thailand, said the noise and traffic of the big city confused and disoriented her, leading her to board the second wrong bus to Chiang Mai, near the border with Burma.

    The woman said she spent five years begging on the street in the city and was often mistaken for a member of a hill tribe because of her dark skin tone.

    She was arrested in 1987 on suspicion of being an illegal immigrant and was sent to a social services hostel when authorities were unable to determine her origins.

    However, last month, three students from her home village arrived at the hostel for training, and they were able to communicate with Beuraheng and help her find her way home.

  • I don't have any respect at all for these people.

    Germans put price on protesting

    But in future there may be paid protesters in their ranks
    They refuse to rally for neo-Nazis, but as long as the price is right a new type of German mercenary will take to the streets and protest for you.
    Young, good-looking, and available for around 150 euros (£100), more than 300 would-be protesters are marketing themselves on a German rental website.

    They feature next to cars, DVDs, office furniture and holiday homes.

    For some, these protesters show how soulless life has become. For others, they breathe new life into old causes.

    Their descriptions read like those on a dating site.

    Next to a black and white posed picture, Melanie lists her details from her jeans size to her shoe size and tells potential protest organisers that she is willing to be deployed up to 100km around Berlin.

    Six hours of Melanie bearing your banner or shouting your slogan will set you back 145 euros.

    A spokesperson for erento.com was unable to say how many demonstrators had been booked since the service was launched earlier this month, but that there had certainly been demand.

    Organisations using the service are unlikely to reveal themselves, keen to pass off their protesters as genuine supporters of the cause. But German media reported a Munich march had hired protesters because its own adherents were too old to stand for hours waving banners.

    Erento.com stresses that no protester needs to offer their services to a cause they object to, and therefore many may genuinely believe in the protest they are joining.

    But the fact they are paid has perturbed a number of commentators in Germany, especially those who remember the passion-fuelled protests of 1968.

    "It seems to confirm the increasingly common assumption," wrote one, "that democracy is for sale".

  • This is really cheesy

    Cheddarvision TV

    Cheese lovers can now watch cheddar mature 24 hours a day on the internet.

    West country farmers set up the Cheddarvision website featuring a 25 kg block of cheddar, reports ITN.

    Farmer Tom Calver said: "How many other cheeses do you know of on the internet that have their own webcam and a live feed to the internet? I don't think many."

    The highlight of the day on www.cheddarvision.tv is at around 10am when the cheese at the Somerset dairy is turned.

    "We've had 47,000 hits on our website, so somebody must like it somewhere," Mr Calver added.

    Marion Harris who is in charge of the live webcam said: "I think if this website actually gets people to think a little bit more about where cheese comes from and the process it gets through before it gets in the shops, then I guess it's a good thing."

  • Talking Urinal Cakes

    SANTA FE -- New Mexico has taken its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state.

    The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

    The top of the devices feature the state DWI slogan -- "You drink, you drive, you lose."

    Some Albuquerque bars installed the devices this week.

    And the state Transportation Department plans to distribute them to Santa Fe bars and restaurants as well as establishments in Farmington, Gallup and Las Cruces.

    The state spent $21 for each talking urinal cake for the pilot program but will ask bars and restaurants to pay for future orders if the idea catches on.

    The cakes have enough battery power to last about three months.

  • England and the English

    Oscar Wilde

    "He is a typical Englishman, always dull and usually violent."

    Malcolm Bradbury

    "I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world."

    Seamus MacManus

    "There are three things to be aware of: the hoof of a horse, the horn of a bull, and the smile of an Englishman."

    Harlvard Lange

    “We do not regard Englishman as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians."

    Jackie Mason - independent (1990)

    "If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck."

    Sir Winston Churchill

    "I see the damage done by the enemy....but I also see the spirit of an unconquerable people."

    Rudyard Kipling

    “The Saxon is not like us Normans. His manners are not so polite.
    But he never means anything serious till he talks about justice and right.”

    Norman and Saxon

  • A funny quote.

    According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno

  • Crossing to the opposite bank

    Man crossed river to avoid 'bank charges'

    A Canadian rescued from a rubber raft in near-zero conditions told rescuers he was paddling to the US to avoid bank charges.

    Wayne Kingwell, 40, ended up spending five hours on the Niagara River before he was rescued, reports Buffalo News.

    US Attorney Terrance P Flynn said investigators were trying to determine the validity of the bizarre explanation he gave.

    He claimed he regularly crosses from his home in Fort Erie, Ontario, to Buffalo - using a small aluminum boat or the raft - to do his banking.

    "He said he was coming across the river to pay off the balance of his credit card," Flynn said.

    Kingwell claimed he was charged an $85 fee if he mails the payment, so he crosses the river each month instead.

    There is a bridge - but Mr Kingwell claimed he was not allowed to use it because of a legal dispute with the Canadian government.

    When he was rescued, authorities said, Kingwell was carrying more than $3,000 cash - enough to pay off a credit card bill that he really does owe.

    Border Patrol spokesman Michael Przybyl said: "I was surprised that he'd try this on one of the coldest days of the year.

    "It's not the first time that this has happened. We've had attempted entries in the middle of winter. But this is the coldest that I can remember someone trying to cross on the water."

  • 'Today For Me, Tomorrow For Thee'

    A news report from seven years ago - I'm glad to be able to report that the lychgate has been renovated and the skulls returned.

    Heads may roll as church declares a skull amnesty
    Independent, The (London), Mar 6, 2000 by Ian Herbert Northern Correspondent

    A SOBERING monument may soon be in place for all those who are tempted to commit the crime of cattle-rustling in the South Yorkshire town of Doncaster.

    Legend has it that three skulls, which hung from a parish church lychgate in the town's outlying village of Hickleton from around 1880 until four years ago, belonged to rustlers and were a warning to others of the crime's consequences.

    The skulls had achieved a ghoulish kind of immortality in their resting place until 1996, when thieves jemmied out the metal grille and perspex screen behind which they rested, stole one of them and damaged another.

    The skulls of the men - who were believed to have been hung for their crimes in the village's Hangman's Lane before decapitation - were then removed to storage within the church and have not seen the light of day since.

    Now the skulls may be back. An appeal was launched at the weekend to raise, by next summer, the pounds 50,000 which is needed to repair them and rebuild the lychgate at the church, St Wilfrid's.

    The church's Father, Anthony Delves, also declared a skull amnesty in the hope of retracing the two remaining skulls' partner in crime. "We're hoping it may come back - no questions asked," he said.

    His efforts to secure an alternative skull have proved complicated though. "It would be difficult, legally, to get a new one," he admitted. "I would appeal to anyone who has a skull to donate it."

    The church and local parish council are hopeful of winning National Lottery money to help their restoration efforts. Their impetus has been increased by the need to restore the oak-framed stone lychgate itself, which stood at the 9th century church's entry before it was moved more than a century ago and is now crumbling away.

    "We certainly need some substantial outside support," said parish councillor Graham Green. "There are only 250 people in the village and 50 of those are in an old people's home."

    There is also the prospect of moral support from Lord Halifax. St Wilfrid's used to be the estate church of his family which still owns land locally.

    A new gate at St Wilfrid's will also include the chilling words which were inscribed into stone beneath the skulls: `Today for me, tomorrow for thee.'

    "The words could mean that death comes sooner than you think or it could have been a warning to rustlers," said Father Delves. "We don't really know anything about the skulls but fiction is often more interesting than the truth

  • A Short Political Essay

    Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

    "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

  • New Password

    A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

    The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis."

    Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.

    The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as a reaction from the computer's screen:

    "Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

  • My review of 'Primeval'.

    I watched the first episode of ITV's new sci-fi drama series, Primeval, last night. It was okay; I can't say anything any more positive though. As I mentioned in the previous posting, the premise of the series is that there's a rip in the fabric of time which allows prehistoric animals to materialise into the present day; and we've now discovered that it's actually a two-way portal whereby people [and creatures] can enter the distant past and then safely return before the portal dissipates.

    It's all rather formulaic; we have the usual collection of characters - the moody professor, the enthusiastic student, the woman from the ministry, the sexy young female expert and the wide-eyed boy seeking a bit of adventure.

    Each episode is a complete story, which I suppose is a good idea for a Saturday evening when people are likely to be going out - certainly, in my case, if I'm in the house I'll watch the show and quite enjoy it...but if I'm going out I won't worry about missing an episode.

  • Who's a pretty boy then?

    Parrot squawks on cheating lover's affair
    A devastated Englishman learned the horrible truth that his girlfriend was cheating on him - straight from his pet parrot's mouth.

    Chris Taylor's parrot Ziggy began squawking "Hiya, Gary" every time his girlfriend Suzy Collins's mobile phone rang.

    The African Grey also made kiss noises each time it heard the name Gary on television or radio.

    At first amused owner Mr Taylor, a computer programmer, dismissed it as something the bird had picked up watching TV.

    But then he snuggled up beside Suzy on the sofa in their flat in Leeds and Ziggy cried out in Suzy's voice "I love you, Gary." The cat was finally out of the bag.

    Call-center worker Ms Collins, 25, broke down in tears and confessed to having a four-month fling with a former colleague. She had met her lover in the flat while Ziggy looked on.

    Her confession ended their two-year relationship. It also led to 30-year-old Mr Taylor parting company with his pet - because it kept screeching out her lover's name.

    Mr Taylor wasn't sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, he said. But it really broke his heart to part with eight-year-old Ziggy which he had bought as a chick.

    "I lost my girlfriend and best mate at the same time. But it was torture hearing him repeat that name Gary over and over," he said.

    Mr Taylor named the parrot after Ziggy Stardust, David Bowie's alter ego. It learned to reproduce the line "Put on your red shoes and dance the blue!" from the Bowie song Let's Dance.

    Ziggy has since found a new home with the help of a local parrot dealer.

  • Weird news stories from 2005

    These are some of the strange, weird and wacky stories of 2005:

    A taxi driver in Dallas, Texas, was prosecuted for sprinkling dried faeces on pastries in a grocery shop. Customers had complained that the fresh-baked items smelled and tasted like manure.

    A 29-year-old woman in the UK admitted that she had not washed her hair in 11 years.

    A traffic warden slapped a parking ticket on a car which had its dead driver slumped at the wheel outside a shopping mall in Sydney, Australia. The warden failed to notice the man inside and issued the parking fine two days before the body was discovered.

    A straying couple in Jordan both started sizzling affairs in cyberspace. But the bad news for both is they found out they were married to each other.

    A British bank had to apologise to a customer after they sent him a debit card bearing the name "Mr Dick Head". Very embarrassingly for the card owner, he did not spot the mistake until he tried to buy something at a supermarket.

    A cat chewed the toes off the right foot of an elderly woman with senile dementia while she was asleep at a home for the aged in Japan. Workers found the 88-year-old woman bleeding from her feet, with all the toes missing from her right foot. Paw prints of a cat were found on the floor of the room.

    Dog lovers mourned the death of Sam, the world's ugliest dog. Sam became a celebrity after winning an ugly pet contest in the US twice. When Sam died, its owner said: "I don't think there'll ever be another Sam. Some people might think that's a good thing."

    A sparrow nearly ruined a world record attempt at dominoes when it flew in through an exhibition centre window and knocked down 23,000 tiles. Organisers shot the little bird, causing an outcry. As a tribute, the bird's body will be displayed in a museum.

    A court in Ontario acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffered from "Sexsomnia" and was, as he claimed, asleep at the time of the incident.

  • Why men can't ever win.

    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are gay.

    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

    If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

    If you want it too often, you are over-sexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

  • Primeval

    I was looking at the TV schedules last night when I noticed that ITV's new sci-fi drama, called 'Primeval', starts tonight.

    It seems to rely on a simple enough premise that there are rips in the fabric of time which allow prehistoric creatures to materialise in the present day.

    Apparently the reviews are quite promising - I'll be watching tonight since I'm suffering from a cold and certainly won't be wanting to go out.

  • Computer Calamities

    BT's Home IT Advisor service has revealed its quirkiest conversations with tech-hassled customers.

    Anthony Vollmer, head of home IT propositions at BT, told us: "Some of the calls we get from customers have certainly raised a smile."

    They include:

    Customer: "I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me."

    Advisor: "I will remove them for you."

    Customer: "How do I get them back when she is not in?"

    Advisor: "Press any key to continue."

    Customer: "I can't find the 'Any' key."

    Customer: "My mouse mat isn't wired up."

    Advisor: "I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires."

    Customer: "Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"

    Customer: "I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone number?"

    Advisor: "You have spyware on your machine which is causing the problem."

    Customer: "Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?"

    Customer: "How do I change channel on my monitor?"

    Advisor: "Your monitor won't have channels like a TV."

    Customer: "But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing channel."

    Advisor: "Can you click on 'My Computer'?"

    Customer: "I don't have your computer, just mine."

    Customer: "My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in."

    Advisor: "Has he forgotten it?"

    Customer: "No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him."

    Customer: "My iPod will only play one song."

    Advisor: "Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?"

    Customer: "Do I need to download tracks?"

    Customer: "My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but they can't see me."

    Advisor: "What brand is your webcam?"

    Customer: "What's a webcam?"

  • Potty Training

    KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) - Malaysia is to introduce college courses in toilet management as part of a battle against the nation's notoriously filthy public restrooms, according to a report.

    Deputy housing and local government minister, Robert Lau, said similar efforts had yielded clean toilets in Britain and squeaky-clean Singapore.

    "Cleanliness of toilets also concerns the use of suitable cleaning tools, soap, deodorant and tissue papers," he was quoted as saying by the state Bernama news agency.

    Aimed at ensuring high standards in toilet design, cleanliness, maintenance and sanitation, the courses could be rolled out within two or three years, Lau said.

    Also in the pipeline is an exhibition on toilets and an SMS text service for Malaysians to complain about grubby restrooms, while authorities will revoke the licences of food outlets if their toilets are found to be dirty, he said.

    Malaysia has launched a major tourism drive for 2007 and is acutely conscious of the state of its loos, which have drawn complaints from locals and tourists alike.

    Complaints include a lack of toilet paper and soap, as well as the habits of users who shun flushing and choose to squat on Western-style toilet seats, leaving dirty shoe prints behind.

    Malaysia last August declared it needed a "toilet revolution", and hosted its first-ever toilet expo to revolutionise the way its citizens use lavatories.

    In December, the government proudly unveiled the country's first self-cleaning public toilets in capital Kuala Lumpur.

  • Maybe you should always make your own coffee

    Co-Worker From Hell

    A New York State man, a supervisor with the Onondaga County
    Department of Social Services, has been arrested and suspended
    without pay, who, for more than 30 years, has been masturbating
    into the coffee cups of coworkers. His targets were six women.
    He and all coworkers will be tested for diseases and counseling
    is being provided.

  • First Snow of the Winter

    It's been snowing for most of the day here in Doncaster; fortunately it hasn't been settling, so the roads are clear. I don't know what state they'll be in early in the morning though when I'll need to catch the bus into work at Askern. I'm normally based in town on a Friday; but this week there's staff training and so those of us based at Askern will be working there tomorrow.

  • A few facts about the potato.

    The potato is about 80 percent water and 20 percent solids.

    The world's largest potato chip was produced by the Pringle's Company in Jackson, TN in 1990. It measured 23' X 14.5'
    An 8-ounce baked or boiled potato has only about 100 calories.
    The average American eats about 124 pounds of potatoes per year while Germans eat about twice as much.
    In 1974, an Englishman named Eric Jenkins grew 370 pounds of potatoes from one plant.
    Thomas Jefferson gets the credit for introducing 'French fries' to America when he served them at a White House dinner.
    The potato belongs to the family Solanaceae; all the plants in this family share certain characteristics, like having similar leaves and flowers. Other members of the family are the tomato, the chili pepper, the eggplant, poisonous nightshade, belladonna, the petunia, and the tobacco plant. Some parts of these plants are very poisonous.
    Tomatoes, Batatas, Potatoes, Patatas. . .
    The sweet potato belongs in the same family as the morning glory (Ipomoea batatas) and is not a relative of the potato.
    The Spanish who brought sweet potatoes back from the West Indies called them by their native name batatas.

  • Environmentalists versus Globalists

    Since I'm not a supporter of either of these philosophies I really enjoyed reading this.

    LONDON (Reuters) - Supermarkets are scrambling to capture the millions of "green" pounds spent by increasingly environmentally aware shoppers.

    Farmers' markets across the country are buzzing with conscientious customers buying locally grown knobbly carrots and leeks pulled straight from the soil.

    With the threat of climate change racing up the global political

    agenda, people are going green when they shop. And their sights are set on food miles.
    "The concept of food miles has absolutely rightly entered into people's consciousness in Britain," says Bill Vorley, head of the sustainable markets group at the British International Institute for Environment and Development (IIED) think-tank.

    The idea of reducing food miles seems straightforward -- simply buy produce which has travelled the shortest possible distance from farm to plate.

    However, just as consumers' enthusiasm to cut food miles is growing, some experts are warning that an over-simplistic view of the issue risks doing more harm than good.

    They are urging policymakers not to rush blindly into formulating "buy-local-only" campaigns for consumers which could prove disastrous for many poor African food producers.

    "I'm an advocate of local food, and I do think we need to re-localise our food procurement rather than hauling it up and down the motorways," says Vorley.

    "But we are warning against allowing environmental arguments to trump the case for development -- especially when it guides decisions by policymakers or consumers that are going to have very little impact on our overall carbon footprint."

    STRAWBERRIES AND SCHOOL RUNS

    According to the National Consumer Council (NCC) about 10 percent of the carbon dioxide emissions associated with food transport come from air-freighted goods.

    In a recent paper, the NCC said the carbon damage from air-freighting just one small punnet of New Zealand strawberries to Britain was equivalent to the CO2 emissions from 11 average school runs, made by parents driving their children to school.

    The problem, experts say, is that consumers keen to do their bit for the environment but as yet unaware of the complexities of the debate are shopping with a simplistic "local good, foreign bad" attitude.

    As long as the apples, carrots, broccoli and leeks are produced in Britain, they can be bought in abundance with a clear conscience, the thinking goes. But if the label says they come from Israel, Kenya or New Zealand, only a carbon criminal would dare take them to the checkout.

    However, some argue that fair miles, not food miles, should be the criterion by which consumers judge the contents of their shopping trolleys. Specifically, fresh fruit and vegetables from sub-Saharan Africa, on which shoppers spend more than a million pounds a day, should be considered more carefully.

    "Many products which come to us from Africa are giving some of the poorest people in some of the poorest countries in the world a chance to earn a decent living," said Harriet Lamb, executive director of the Fairtrade Foundation, an independent certification body that guarantees poor producers in the developing world a fair price for their goods.

    "People have to be careful in assessing the carbon footprint of a product, because it may well be that some products (from Africa) may actually have a smaller carbon footprint and a greater social impact than the same product grown in commercial greenhouses in Britain or the Netherlands."

    A MILLION LIVELIHOODS

    Lamb and Vorley warn consumers against feeling a false sense of environmental virtue if they avoid air-freighted products.

    Cutting out products from sub-Saharan Africa would reduce the country's overall contribution to global carbon dioxide emissions by just 0.1 percent, they say.

    "And it's something like a million livelihoods that depend on us (in Britain) enjoying fresh fruit and vegetables from sub-Saharan Africa," says Lamb. "Let's make sure we're not making poor people in poor countries pay the price."

    According to Stephen Mbugua, vice-chairman of the Fresh Produce Exporters Association of Kenya, that is not happening yet, but it is a great fear for the future.

    "So far so good, we've not had any serious impact from this, (but) if there was a serious campaign, it certainly would affect our sales," he told Reuters in Nairobi.

    Lamb quotes John Kanjangaile, export manager of a group in Tanzania called the Kagera Cooperative Union (KCU), speaking at a public meeting in Britain where he was asked about the potential environmental damage caused by his export business.

    His reply was unequivocal: "With the deepest respect, the farmers in the villages where I come from don't have televisions, they don't have refrigerators, they don't have even one car, let alone two, they don't have motorbikes, they've never even been to our country's capital let alone flown all over the world on holiday -- so don't ask those farmers to pick up the cost of environmental problems you in the industrialised West have caused."

  • Another collection of weird news stories

    A concert-goer in Oslo is recovering after his skull was fractured by a sheep's head. The band Mayhem was carving up a dead sheep on stage when its head flew into the audience.

    In the course of a seemingly fruitless search for stolen property in a house near Littlehampton, Sussex, a detective noticed the doormat bore the crest "Sussex Police".

    An American ski resort has dropped part of its name to avoid offending visitors. Tourism chiefs taped over part of the signs to Mary's Nipple.

    A surgeon cancelled a heart operation at a Cardiff hospital after he took an hour to find a parking space. He said that he was so stressed he was in no state to operate.

    The Equal Opportunities Commission in Victoria, Australia, ruled that single-sex competitions must be open to all-comers. Now the ladies' champion at a bowls club in Melbourne is a man and the men's champion is a woman.

    A man who shoplifted videos worth £95 must continue his 50-year sentence, the US Supreme Court ruled. It said the sentence for a third theft was neither cruel nor unusual.

    Speed humps are being lowered in Liverpool because they are too high for funeral cars. One undertaker said "It is totally embarrassing if you have to ask mourners to get out of a limousine straddled on a hump."

    The number of accidents at a motorway blackspot in Austria was cut dramatically after marble pillars were built beside the road. A Druid had claimed that when the motorway was built it had broken mystical "earth energy lines"

    Public lavatory attendants in York have been authorised to accept euros. Previously, coachloads of tourists were being turned away in distress because they did not have any Sterling.

    Joan Slote, aged 74, was fined £4,800 by the US Treasury for going on a cycle tour of Cuba, defying the US embargo of the island. She was also fined £80 for buying souvenirs.

    Thousands of Nike trainers are beig washed up on the American coast after a container with 45,756 pairs fell off a ship sailing from Long Beach, California. None of the pairs was laced together.

    The High Court ordered the NHS to pay £1.8 million to a man who had been hit on the head with a brick after a Torbay hospital failed to spot he had a fractured skull. The NHS intially offered him £200.

    The Metropolitan Police has recruited a transsexual policeman. But he will be unable to search male suspects as his birth cetificate classifies him as a woman, nor women suspects because he is now a man.

    A woman won £102,000 at bingo in Plymouth. She had taken her mother's ashes with her for good luck.

    Two men working for Kwikfit in Slough, Berkshire, admitted taking pot shots at passers-by with an airgun. They told a court they were bored.

    Executives at Bosch and Mercedes are being taught to learn to laugh. The £700-a-day Humorous and Leadership Presentation Skills courses instruct them that chuckling at work at least five times a day will help to increase their efficiency.

    Staff at the J P Morgan bank in the City of London were ordered to stop taking hand-held computer games into meetings.

    Management at a car factory in Luton have become increasingly frustrated with the high rate of absenteeism. Now workers who report sick are to undergo a lie detector test.

    A man who stole a skull from a Thai museum told police he took it to improve his luck. He said customers who owed him money suddenly started settling their debts.

    A man jailed for smuggling drugs worth £266,000 into Britain was awarded £3,000 by the European Court of Human Rights for invasion of privacy. He complained that police intercepted his pager messages.

    Days before police carried out a raid on a group of garages in Birmingham, the city's council put up posters warning anyone storing illegal material to remove it. "Police will be visiting the property in forthcoming days." the posters said.

    A woman is suing a surgeon in America who cauterised the initials UK - for Universtiy of Kentucky - on her uterus to, he said, "guide me" through a hysterectomy. She discovered the initials by watching a video of the operation.

    Renee Veenema was arrested in Holland when clients of his company, Lunar Embassy, complained that they had not received ownership certificates for the £1,000 plots that they had bought on the Moon.

    Rozanne Sonneborn, a producer, is suing an American television company claiming that she was sacked after she protested about the company putting quotations from the Bible in staff pay packets.

    Three students in New York were accused of taking a corpse from a crypt. They dressed it as Darth Vader, the Star Wars villain, and took it to a fancy dress party.

    A circus director and an elephant are being hunted by police after vanishing from the circus' winter quarters in Germany. Police said: "It is easier to hide an elephant than you might think."

    Fifty-eight students and four teachers were arrested in Bangkok after it was discovered that the students had pagers in their underwear during exams. The pagers vibrated to give answers to the multiple-choice questions.

  • The Law Is An Ass

    The Alabama Supreme Court, ruling in January, told leukemia-stricken Jack Cline that state law makes it either too early or too late for him to sue the manufacturer of benzene, to which he was exposed in his factory job, and it dismissed his lawsuit. He may have known he had been exposed to a carcinogen, but he couldn't sue until the cancer was actually diagnosed, but when it finally was, years later, the state's statute of limitations had long since run out. Several justices expressed concern about the catch-22, but they were in the minority

  • Conflict at work

    I had a bit of a disagreement with the office manageress this morning at work; nothing too serious, but I felt I needed to bring up the subject.

    Because I work for a charity all our funding is based on outputs (i.e the number of people who use our services) therefore we have to keep detailed statistics - and this means asking clients to register and fill in a form every time they use our services [jobsearch, computers, numeracy/literacy classes.)

    This morning one particular client made the valid point that we are no better than the DSS and the jobcentre in treating people as mere numbers...and I vocally agreed with him. Of course B... [the office manageress] told me why we need to gather this information; and I told her why we shouldn't be doing it.

    I've only got six weeks left on my contract and so I couldn't give a toss about the consequences of my actions. It felt good though!

  • Fortunately, this hasn't happened in my local yet.

    Mariah Carey fan banned from pub

    A Southampton man has been banned from his local pub for playing Mariah Carey songs on the jukebox.

    Landlord Roy Dann finally snapped and banned Jeff Donovan for playing his idol's songs 20 times a day - for six years.

    Regulars at the Gordon Arms were particularly fed up with All I Want for Christmas which he played all year round, reports the Daily Mirror.

    Jeff, 35, who is single, said: "I love Mariah and listen to her over and over again, but other people obviously didn't share my musical taste.

    "At the start when the landlord threatened to bar me I thought he was joking. All my mates drink there. I'm gutted. I don't want to find another local, I like this one."

    Roy, 32, said: "To start with we found it amusing. I actually used to like Mariah before. But the other customers just had enough of listening to the same songs over and over again.

    "I gave him plenty of warnings but he just laughed and told me the customer is always right. I don't care what he says now, he's not coming back into my pub."

  • Maybe we should try this in Britain.

    Castrated men, transsexuals and hermaphrodites to fight tax evaders in India
    2006/11/09

    Eunuchs in eastern India were drafted by authorities to sing outside the homes of tax evaders to embarrass them into paying up, a report has said.

    Sari-clad eunuchs were out in force with municipal tax collectors Wednesday in Patna, capital of Bihar, India's most lawless state, the Indian Express reported.

    "Pay the tax, pay the Patna Municipal Corporation tax," chorused the eunuchs on the doorstep of their first target, Ram Sagar Singh, who owed 100,000 rupees (2,240 dollars).

    A mortified Singh promised to pay within a week, the report said.

    The municipality netted 400,000 rupees Wednesday using the eunuchs, who got a four percent commission. It vowed to step up its drive, cheered by its success.

    India has an estimated one million eunuchs. Some are castrated men, while others are transsexuals or hermaphrodites.

    Ostracized by society, they have a tough time getting jobs and often get money by creating a ruckus at festivities for births and weddings - sometimes threatening to bear their bodies.

    Some tax evaders expressed outrage at the city's tactics.

    "You can't humiliate me in public," retired judge Sachidanand Prasad, who was visited by the eunuchs, reportedly said.

    The city, which suffers widespread tax evasion, defended the move.

    "Those who are protesting are enraged at getting exposed," said a city official.

  • I'm sure this hasn't been tried in Doncaster yet.

    Soft porn for bus passengers

    Bus passengers in Sofia are being shown soft porn films on giant video screens at night.

    During the day the plasma screens in the Bulgarian capital show bus times, but the night shift now has the porn films on view.

    A spokesman for the station management said: "We wanted to give the passengers something to take their minds off the cold and to pass the time while waiting for a bus, and there are unlikely to be children around that time of night."

    The move however has angered many, including mothers with young children, who say the movies are a disgrace.

    They also claim the security guards have stopped patrolling for troublemakers, and spend their time watching the giant screens instead.

  • More Strange Reports

    A registrar in Rochdale who has conducted 600 marriage ceremonies, lived for nearly 20 years as a bigamist. His double life was discovered when he fled abroad with a third woman.

    The UK Trade and Industry Department has produced an 86-page report on how to open a plastic bag. It cost £100,000!

    A mother complained that her doctor in Camden, north London, treated her baby's stomach bug by swinging a crystal over a book of herbal remedies.

    Two chain stores in Italy withdrew their stocks of fur coats after animal rights campaigners carried out DNA tests on the coats. They were found to be dog fur.

    Anti-drug authorities in Mexico raided their own offices and found 1,000 lbs of marijuana. Nine staff were arrested.

    A Mafia hitman charged with two murders told a court in Italy that he had an alibi. "It was not me," he said. "That night I was killing someone else."

    Six residents of a Russian hamlet with a population of 14 were found stabbed to death. They had just collected their pensions.

    A family in Bochum, Germany, has kept an eel in the bathtub for 23 years. When someone wants a bath the eel swims into a bucket.

    When the mastermind of a bank van robbery was arrested in Bangkok, police found he had set fire to the money. He said he had been cold.

    The Department of Work and Pensions paid £2,500 compensation to Terry Kelham who worked for seven years in a room with eight photocopiers. He said the machines made him deaf.

    Birmingham City Council's 50,000 employees took 895,000 days off sick last year. That is the equivalent of three and a half working weeks per employee.

    A woman who forgot her house keys had to be rescued by firemen in Wigston, Leicestershire. She tried to get into her home through the cat flap and became stuck.

    Many stores in Germany have stopped selling cans of soft drinks and beers. A new law imposes a redeemable 16p deposit on every can sold.

    Violence broke out in Malawi after the government launched a campaign to give blood. Locals believed that the authorities were colluding with vampires.

    Jane Soares was caught in the middle of a shout-out between police and drug dealers in Rio de Janeiro. She was shot in the chest but survived thanks to her silicone breast implants.

    South Africa's minister of transport has warned pedestrians not to drink and walk after 839 people were killed on the roads while intoxicated.

    Japan threatened to bar the Romanian gymnastic team from a competition in Yokohama after three women members of the team - including Olympic gold medallist Lavinia Milosovici - performed nude for a Japanese television programme.

    South Central rail network came up with a new excuse for its trains running late. It said that delays were caused by passengers getting on to the trains too slowly.

    Trading standards officers in West Yorkshire caught a gang with 100 pairs of fake Calvin Klein underpants when they saw the washing instructions: "Fumble dry,remove promptly, use a worm iron."

    A company in Narborough, Leicestershire, abandoned plans to give every member of staff a turkey for Christmas. The Inland Revenue ruled that it was "benefit in kind" and each employee would have to pay tax.

    A businessman who was seized by a crocodile as he swam in Nkhata Bay, Malawi, escaped by biting the beast on the nose.

    A Greek shepherd who climbed a tree to escape a pack of wolves was saved by his mobile telephone. He called his brother who arrived with his rifle to frighten the 20 wolves off.

    Two women were banned for life from a Bridgend bingo hall after fighting over a lucky chair. One was taken to hospital with a broken nose and two black eyes.

  • The British...top of the league!

    Britons lead the way in toilet paper use
    Bruno Waterfield in Brussels
    Last Updated: 1:08am GMT 05/02/2007

    Every Briton flushes 17.6 kilos (39lb) of toilet paper down the lavatory every year, almost two and half times the European average, according to tissue industry figures.

    British toilet paper consumption of 110 rolls per capita is 25 times that of Ukraine's, Europe's lowest.

    Americans pull 15.7 kilos off the roll, ahead of Western Europe's average flush of 12.4, but still well behind the British.

    advertisementOut of the EU states, new Europe's Baltic countries trail with 3.9 kilos annual consumption, three times less than the Germans.

    New research published by the European Tissue Symposium sees Europe's toilet paper consumption soaring by 40 per cent over the next decade. Key to the runaway success of the toilet roll has been "creative and daring concepts" such as black loo paper.

    Renova Black, a Portuguese brand sold in France, Spain and taking the US by storm, is cited as a successful "defiance of conventional thinking" in the world of toilet tissue.

  • More Strangeness

    Some recent search strings entered into search engines to find this blog. I haven't a clue how some of these terms have led people here because I haven't used any of them as tags, and I don't think most of them have even appeared anywhere in any of my postings.

    Halifax bank robbery, curl up and dye Leeds

    beer gut 34ins waist panty

    she complained her girdle was too tight

    midget pygmy Eskimo Bugs Bunny

  • One for the foot fetishists

    Siti Suhana's bizzare condition baffles even doctors

    24 Jan 2007
    Cynthia Lee

    MALACCA, WED: EVEN doctors are baffled over Siti Suhana Saadon's extraordinary toe which produces colourful stones.

    The 23-year-old girl from Alor Gajah had become an overnight sensation when TV3 aired the bizarre story of crystal-like stones popping out from beneath her toe nail.

    Her rubber-tapper mother Kamariah Komeng, 52, said Siti's toe nail would just open up to release a stone and closes on its own. Some people had offered to purchase the stones from Siti for research purposes.

    A medical specialist has expressed interest in checking Siti’s condition, describing that it was unusual.

    “The stones looked like gems,” said the doctor who is attached to the UKM Faculty of Medicine.

  • A Bit of Nostalgia

    I've just been watching some online videos featuring 'Vaya Con Dios'; a Belgian group from the 1990s who combinied musical influences from Spanish Flamenco and Gypsey music, French chanson and Latin American dance rhythms.

    I'm amazed that I remember quite a few of the songs even though the band wasn't that popular at the time.

  • Sticks and stones may break my bones......

    Certain Words Makes Man Snap

    Thomas Mitchell was found guilty for aggravated assault in the
    shooting of his girlfriend. He shot her because he thought she
    was going to say the word "New Jersey." His lawyer said certain
    words caused Mitchell to snap such as "Wisconsin," "New Jersey,"
    "Snickers," and "Mars." Mitchell who is 54, covered his ears in
    court when these words were about to be said. The witnesses had
    to use flashcards instead. Mitchell was said to be troubled but
    not crazy. On March 19, 1999 Mitchell was convicted to shooting
    his girlfriend three times because he thought she was going to
    say "New Jersey." His girlfriend however survived the attack and
    died from other causes before the trial had begun.

  • Italy's new 'park & ride' scheme.

    A park where passionate young couples can have sex freely is set to open.

    It is meant to help those who find it hard to be intimate because high property prices force them to live with their parents for longer.

    They will pay £2 to enter the park in the southern port of Bari and £1 for every 30 minutes they stay.

    Founder Giuseppe Foggetti said: 'My idea was to create a place for those that want to spend intimate moments together without thinking whether someone would be shocked if they saw it. I will offer security and privacy.'

  • The truth about chocolate

    REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

    You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate.
    It’s safe to have chocolate while you’re driving.
    You never feel guilty after chocolate.
    You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
    You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
    With chocolate – satisfaction’s guaranteed.

    REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

    No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
    After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
    You can share chocolates with your best friend.
    A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
    Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.

    REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

    Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
    Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
    You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
    Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
    It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
    Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
    Chocolate isn’t looking for a long term commitment.

  • A Local Legend

    The Cat and Man

    St. Peter’s, Barnburgh is known far and wide as the
    ‘Cat and Man Church’

    This is because of a tragedy which took place there over five hundred years ago.

    In those days, there was a hall in Barnburgh, which was the home of a rich and powerful family called the Cresacres. They owned much of the village and the surrounding land and were known as the Lords of the Manor.

    Late one night, a member of the Cresacre family, named Sir Percival, was returning from Doncaster on horseback, after visiting some of his friends. At that time, there were no proper roads and very few houses, and the land between Doncaster and Barnburgh was thickly wooded. It would have been a dark and lonely ride.

    Somewhere on his way between the tiny settlement of High Melton and his home at Barnburgh Hall, Sir Percival was attacked by a wild cat. Wild cats were nothing like the cats that we have as pets today. They were much bigger, stronger and more dangerous. They fed themselves and their families by hunting and killing.

    Sir Percival’s horse was terrified by the attack and threw him from its back and ran away. Sir Percival and the cat then began a long and terrible struggle all the way from Ludwell Hill to St. Peter’s Church. On reaching the church, Sir Percival tried to gain safety inside. He managed to open the door to the porch and must have tried with all his strength to shut the cat outside. But he failed. Sir Percival’s fight for his life continued in the small, dark porch.

    Both Sir Percival and the ferocious wild cat were completely exhausted by their dreadful struggle. With his last breath, Sir Percival managed to crush the cat to death against the wall of the porch.

    Sir Percival’s frightened horse had returned to the Hall without him. His family and servants, fearing an accident, began a frantic torchlight search. By the time they reached Sir Percival, he was dead. The awful wounds made by the cat’s sharp claws had tragically killed him.

    To this very day, a bloodstain on the floor of St. Peter’s Church porch marks the scene of this gruesome tragedy

  • I wonder what the anti-fur trade protesters would make of this.

    Woman Makes Entire Wardrobe Out Of Hair

    A Romanian woman has just completed creating an entire wardrobe
    out of her her own hair. Ioana Cioanca, 64, started to collect
    her fallen hair since she was 17 when her grandmother told her
    that it was a sin to throw it out. She just completed making a
    raincoat for the winter season. She says she intends to wear it
    over the brown blouse and skirt crocheted from the same material
    when she goes to church on Sunday.

  • John Motson Quotes

    Classic Mottyisms
    Insightful commentary from the BBC’s veteran sports commentator:

    For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip

    This could be our best victory over Germany since the war

    I was going to say, even Brazil can’t play without the ball, heh heh

    The goals made such a difference to the way this game went

    The match has became quite unpredictable, but it still looks as though Arsenal will win the cup

    And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction

    Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it`s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour

  • Today's Mysteries

    Why are beefburgers circular when frozen, but oval shaped when they've been cooked?

    Why are there now so many cars on the road [in the UK] with only one headlight working?

    These are just a couple of questions that have been on my mind today...I don't know why.

  • And we're told that Great Britain is a democracy.

    Aerial ban a 'breach of rights'?

    {I bet thses people still get taken to court if they don't have a TV licence]

    A LEGAL agreement which denies Harlow residents the chance to access Freeview channels for free is a breach of the Human Rights Act, a Tory councillor has claim-ed.

    Simon Carter made the assertion during last Thursday's scrutiny committee hearing which discussed Harlow Council's controversial covenant with cable firm NTL.

    Under the deal made in the early 1990s, households get BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 free via cable and are not allowed to erect aerials on their properties.

    The arrival of digital terrestrial television has made new stations available free via an aerial to those with a digital decoder.

    But without aerials, Harlow residents can only access these free channels if they buy them as part of a cable channels package from NTL - meaning they have to pay out for a service the rest of the country gets for nothing.

    Mr Carter said the covenant breached Article 10 of the Human Rights Act 1998 which refers to freedom of expression and states: "This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without inference by public authority and regardless of frontiers."

    He added: "It's a matter of great interest and people would like to see a resolution to it."

    The authority has received an increasing number of inquiries regarding Freeview, prompting it to produce a 'frequently asked questions' leaflet to hand out to residents.

    The report to members stressed the council had neither the finances nor the power to make NTL deliver the service free but suggested it could negotiate with the Government and cable operator to get Freeview delivered to homes at nil cost during the next cable franchise review in the near future.

    Su Lawton (Liberal Democrat) felt further detail was needed by councillors before any decisions could be reached and recommended a working party be set up.

    Chairman Joshua Jolles (Conservative) agreed, saying: "I think we are going to need more information on this. There are a lot of people in the town who are puzzled as to where they should go and what to do."

    The cross-party working group will comprise Mrs Lawton, Nick Churchill (Con) and Sean Folan (Labour) and will report back to the next scrutiny committee on March 1, when recommendations will be made to the policy and resources committee.

    The covenant was challenged in December by resident Barry Plumridge, who vowed to install an aerial to demonstrate that the rule is unenforceable.

    However, he backed down after being offered an NTL package providing Freeview for a one-off payment of £25 for subscribers to its telephone service.

  • Be careful where you pee.

    The vast freshwater ecosystem of the Amazon River is home to abundant animal life, and many of its species thrive by virtue of their ferocity. If one were to ask the locals which of the river's indigenous species is the most treacherous, a few might describe the roaming packs of carnivorous piranhas, or the massive anaconda snakes; but based on the general sentiment of the region, the most frequently uttered response would be "candirú."

    The candirú is a tiny catfish which dwells in the depths of the Amazon River. These fish do not hunt in packs like the piranha, nor are they exceptionally large like the anaconda. In fact, the candirú is among the tiniest vertebrates on the planet, and it is sometimes referred to as the "toothpick fish" due to its small size and slender shape. Only a handful of people have had the misfortune of crossing paths with the candirú, but their experiences serve as cautionary tales to any who venture into the mighty river.

    Though the candirú is a parasite, humans are not among its viable hosts. It lingers in the murky darkness at the river's bottom, quietly stalking its neighboring fish. Light is scarce in the soupy deep, but the candirú does not need to see… it can taste the traces of urea and ammonia that are expelled from breathing gills.

    The tiny hunter shadows its prey, almost invisible due to its translucent body and small size. When the target fish exhales, the candirú detects the resulting flow of water and makes a dash for the exposed gill cavity with remarkable speed. Within less than a second it penetrates the gill and wriggles its way into place, erecting an umbrella-like array of spines to secure its position.

    Unconcerned with the host's panicked thrashing, the firmly anchored parasite immediately nibbles a hole in a nearby artery with its needle-like teeth, feasting upon the bounty that gushes forth. Within two minutes the candirú's belly is swollen with the blood of its victim, and it retracts its gripping barbs. A candirú attached to a host fishThough it may seem that the exploited host fish has escaped, its injuries are so extensive that chances of survival are grim. Meanwhile the victorious attacker slinks back into the river's dark places to digest its meal.

    There are many troubling stories regarding human run-ins with the candirú, though until recent years these were not given much credence by the medical community. It is not uncommon for people swimming or bathing in the river to urinate in the water, an action which creates tiny water currents that are rich in urea and ammonia. It seems that the tiny, slender catfish cannot always distinguish a urinating human from an exhaling fish gill, and on occasion it will attempt its trademark high-speed attack on some unfortunate soul.

    Silvio Barbossa was one such soul. He was swimming in the Amazon River when he went head to head with the tiny parasite:

    "I felt like urinating. I stood up, and it was then it attacked me. The candirú attacked me. […] When I saw it, I was terrified. I grabbed it quickly so it couldn't go deeper inside. I could only see the end of its tail flapping. I tried to grab it, but it slipped away from me and went in. […] I was very afraid, because the candirú bites."
    When the candirú successfully invades a human, it proceeds exactly as it would with a fish host. After entering the misidentified orifice, it quickly wriggles its way in as far as possible, often accompanied by the victim's frantic attempts to grip the slippery, mucus-coated tail. In the unlikely event that the panicked victim manages to grasp the fish, its backwards-pointing barbs would cause excruciating pain at each pull, and bring a quick end to the dramatic tug-of-war. Once inside, the parasite inches its way up the urethra to the nearest blood-gorged membrane, extends its spines into the surrounding tissue, and starts feasting.

    For the candirú, this misguided journey is a one-way trip; its bloody banquet leaves it too swollen to escape. The only known retaliation against the invader is delicate and expensive surgery, or failing that, a folk remedy which combines two herbs to very slowly kill and dissolve the fish. Silvio was fortunate enough to have access to modern medical facilities, though he had to endure three days of profound agony before the fish was extracted by an awestruck urogenital surgeon.

    Silvio's incident was the first officially confirmed report of a candirú attacking a human, but such leg-crossingly horrific tales have haunted the region for generations. According to legend, many men chose castration as an alternative to a slow, excruciating death back before surgery was an option.

    Though such brushes with the candirú are exceedingly rare in statistical terms, it is wise to heed the advice of the locals, and avoid urinating in the Amazon River at all costs. When the natives of the Amazon speak, one would be foolish not to listen. They are privy to some of the world's most horrible truths.

  • Does this list sum up my life?

    Yorkshire
    TV
    love
    jobcentre
    internet
    Google
    friends
    English
    England
    Doncaster
    cricket
    computer

    These are the most popular tags I've used on my blog entries.

  • There's always money to be made.

    Queuing for success in Kazakhstan

    A new company in Kazakhstan charges customers to take their places in the country's notorious queues.

    For a small hourly fee, it provides people to stand in line for clients and then phone them when they are nearly at the front.

    It also offers a more expensive service where the client gives the company power of attorney to take care of everything.

    The company was set by two entrepreneurs in Astana, the capital of Kazakhstan, reports the Express-K newspaper.

    Queues to see state officials for personal business, such as applying for ID papers and driving licenses and registering property, are notorious in Kazakhstan.

    "We can stand any kind of a queue," says Ruslan Akkuzhin, deputy director of the company. "As a rule, the worst queues are related to real estate issues."

    The two directors currently do all of the work themselves but say they may soon have to expand.

  • This was quite unusual.

    During my lunch break today, as I was popping over to the sandwich shop I was surprised to see an old red London Transport double decker bus [one of those with the door at the rear so that passengers can easily hop on and off - I think they're called Routemasters.]

    It was travelling along the main road in Askern where I work and was still in its original livery, but had the name of the local bus company superimposed onto the side of the vehicle. I don't think it will be used as a regular service vehicle because it's unsuitable for one man operation; it needs a conductor. So, maybe it's being used for driver training, or even as part of a marketing campaign.

    Has anyone else spotted any of these unique vehicles anywhere else?

  • Only another seven weeks.

    I had my monthly review at work yesterday and was informed that it's highly unlikely that I'll be getting a three month extension to my contract - there isn't enough money available.

    So, seven weeks from now and I'll be unemployed again. Of course, I'll not be getting any practical support from the jobcentre [I'll have to wait until I've been unemployed for twelve months] but because I'm still attending the Wednesday afternoon group therapy sessions with the occupational psychologist at Reed in Partnership at least there'll still be that support, plus any other help they're able to provide.

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