1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

A couple of personal thoughts about February; it's not my favourite month.

1... We usually get the worst weather of the winter.

2... I only get 28 days of travel on my monthly bus pass.

Jag runs on apples

A Somerset farmer has converted his Jag so it runs on rotting apple fumes.

Henry Hobhouse, 52, who lives near Castle Cary, packs two underground tanks full of apples and collects the methane gas produced as they rot.

The 3-litre XJ6 saloon now runs on methane and costs around 40p a litre.

Henry says the 145mph car gains 10% in power by running on compressed methane and still returns around 28mpg.

Mr Hobhouse said: "I'm an anorak on green issues. We've got to be taking responsibility for our own actions on a local level.

"We are miles behind the rest of Europe as you can buy this sort of fuel around France, Germany and Italy."

He plans to install two small methane-making plants below ground at his farm at Hadspen.

A police operation against speeding drivers in North Wales caught twelve police officers breaking the law.

Passengers on a P&O cruise were given free hairdos after they found their hair turned bright green when they swam in the liner's swimming pool.

A lorry driver arrested in St Petersburg protested to police that he was only carrying scrap metal. His load was a disassembled MiG31, the long-range fighter aircraft, codenamed the Foxhound.

A council told a couple in Solihull to remove a headstone on the grave of their 11-year-old daughter. It is an inch above the cemetery regulation height of 8 ins.

A suitcase a German lost in 1979 was found outside a Dusseldorf police station. His clothes showed no signs of moths.

Street markets in Caracas, Venezuela, are selling pirated copies of the latest Harry Potter book. On almost every page chunks are missing with a note from the Spanish translator saying: "Sorry, I didn't understand this."

The Prison Service objected to plans for a new rail depot in East Anglia. It said that prisoners at Whitemoor jail might be kept awake at night.

For years a recluse chased children off his ramshackle farm in Jackson, Oregon. In his will he left $11.25 million to turn his land into a sports park for children.

A German businessman lost €98,000 from a briefcase he left on the roof of his car. Police found €4,200 scattered on a motorway - and two days later a man handed in another €40,600

Three Italian tourists spent two nights in their car after forgetting the name of their B&B in Dublin. Police found the landlady by issuing a radio appeal.

Surgeons in Texas settled out of court with a man who sued them for $3 million. He awoke from a prostrate operation to find his penis had been removed.

A businessman made a redezvous with a thief who had stolen one of his delivery vans in Bradford and asked police to go with him to arrest the man. The police said: "We are too busy."

A women's football team in Germany is being sponsored by a brothel. The players will wear shirts with the name of the brothel across their chests and "Always worth a visit".

A youth of 17 died of suffocation while swimming in Cambodia. He caught an 8in kantrob fish, but it leapt out of his hands and into his mouth.

Forgers have successfully passed counterfeit €300 notes in Europe, according to the European Parliament economic committee. The €300 denomination note does not exist.

Scientists at Bradford University have received a £90,000 grant to study the cause of hair turning grey.

Two Coventry social workers were suspended after taking children in care on a trip to Bournemouth. One 14-year-old boy was found 100 miles away beside the A34 - apparently dumped because of his bad behaviour.

When Vietnam's top beauty queen vanished her family said she had been kidnapped. She emerged from hiding a week later saying that she did not want to go to Britain to study.

A couple in Urbana, Ohio, shaved the head of their seven-year-old daughter and gave her sleeping pills to make it look as if she had leukaemia. They obtained $31,000 from donors before being arrested.

The Malaysian government has overturned a religious court's ruling that Muslim men can divorce their wives via mobile text messages.

Brian Walker from Newcastle-on-Tyne has become the first person to walk from John O'Groats to Lands End for charity with a 40lb door on his back.

A man who put up his wife for sale on the internet was inundated with responses. Andy and Mel Hoyle of Wrexham opened bids at £1 as a joke but withdrew when a man offered an £8,000 motorcycle and his wife.

Directors at Woolworths were baffled by a new Japanese game that is expected to be a best-seller at Christmas. They hired a boy of nine to explain it to them.

A mother in Kazakhstan kept her daughter's mummified corpse in her flat for three years. Police said that she told them she hoped that aliens would resurrect her.

A warlord accused of running a brutal campaign of murder, torture and extortion in Afghanistan was arrested in London. He was running a pizza parlour in Streatham.

Ghyllgrove infant school in Basildon, Essex, has appealed to parents to donate toilet rolls because the school cannot afford to buy its own.

A husband in Plymouth was jailed for two months for being in breach of a restraining order. He had sent his estranged wife a bunch of flowers.

When the 380 Danish troops stationed in Iraq complained about the heat in their armoured vehicles they were sent salt for de-icing equipment, a snowplough and a lawnmower.

A burglar severed a testicle as he climbed through a window in Berkshire. The householder, Joyce Edwards, 80, said "He was screaming but I was in no mood to be sympathetic."

A 53-year-old man from the United Arab Emirates, who has 30 sons and 33 daughters, married for the 12th time in an attempt to win a place in the Guinness Book of Records by fathering 100 offspring.

Bird-brained China scientists learn to fly pigeons Tuesday February 27, 05:49 AM

BEIJING (Reuters) - Scientists in eastern China say they have succeeded in controlling the flight of pigeons with micro electrodes planted in their brains, state media reported on Tuesday.

Scientists at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Centre at Shandong University of Science and Technology said ther electrodes could command them to fly right or left or up or down, Xinhua news agency said.

"The implants stimulate different areas of the pigeon's brain according to signals
sent by the scientists via computer, and force the bird to comply with their commands," Xinhua said.

"It's the first such successful experiment on a pigeon in the world," Xinhua quoted the centre's chief scientist, Su Xuecheng, as saying.

Su and his colleagues, who Xinhua said had had similar success with mice in 2005, were improving the devices used in the experiment and hoped that the technology could be put into practical use in future.

The report did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons.

Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity:

1. A few clowns short of a circus.

2. A few fries short of a happy meal.

3. A few beers short of a six pack.

4. A few peas short of a casserole.

5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.

7. One taco short of a combination plate.

8. A few feathers short of a duck.

9. All foam, no beer.

10. The cheese slid off his cracker.

11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

17. As smart as bait.

18. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.

19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.

21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.

22. His antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.

23. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.

24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

25. Receiver is off the hook.

26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.

27. Skylight leaks a little.

28. Slinkys kinked.

29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

30. One board short of a porch.

(I haven't a clue what numbers 7,11, and 28 refer to)

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

Footballers needed oxygen

A Brazilian football club says it will never again play at high altitude after 'inhumane' conditions in the mountains of Bolivia.

Flamengo players repeatedly had to go to the sidelines for oxygen during their 2-2 draw in Potosi, reports the Guardian.

Flamengo drew 2-2 in the Libertadores Cup Group Five match at nearly 4,000 metres above sea level.

Club president Marcio Braga described the performance as "epic" but said the conditions were "unsporting and inhumane".

Braga added: "A football pitch at an altitude not recommended by health specialists does not offer equal conditions to both teams and this damages the sporting principle of fair play.

"It degrades the human condition and puts the life of the athletes at risk. Failure to ban games in these conditions is the same as condoning doping."

Potosi's Mario Mercado stadium is one of the world's highest professional football grounds.

The city's lack of an airport adds to the difficulties with visiting teams having to face a 100 mile trip over mountain roads.

Pensioner sues over sex marathon

A retired Polish teacher is suing the organisers of a world record sex session after they forgot to pixelate his face.

Leszek Szwerowski, 61, was spotted standing in line to take part in the contest organised as part of the World Sex Championships in 2003.

The contest involved three young women having sex with as many men as they could over the course of several hours.

But Szwerowski, from Warsaw, said the company behind the event, Pink-Press, reneged on promises to keep his identity secret and hide his face on film.

He said he was left embarrassed when his young nephew saw him on a later DVD of the event and told the rest of his family.

He said: "I was told that the faces of the participants would be blurred on the computer on which the film was saved. But this was not the case."

Szwerowski is demanding £2,500 in damages.

Top Ten Signs You Know Your Family Is Stressed

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Surgeons fight during operation

An operation in a Belgrade hospital was disrupted when two surgeons started fighting in the operating theatre.

The surgeons stormed out of the room and carried on fighting outside, reports the daily Politika newspaper.

Surgeon Spasoje Radulovic was operating when his colleague Dragan Vukanic entered and made a remark that started a quarrel, said the anaesthesiologist on duty.

"At one moment Vukanic pulled the ear of the operating doctor, slapped him in the face and walked out," she said.

Radulovic followed and an all-out fight ensued, resulting in bruises, a split lip, loose teeth and a fractured finger.

The operation was completed successfully by the attending assistant doctor.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A group of young German women used so much spray deodorant in the bathroom of a North Sea youth hostel that it set off a fire alarm and brought the local fire brigade rushing to the rescue, police said on Monday.

"The fumes of the pleasant-smelling deodorant were so intense that they drifted up to the ceiling and set off a fire detector," said Volker Buttgereit of the Buesum police force.

Local authorities said they were also surprised the heavy use of deodorant could set off the alarm. "Hopefully the girls will get by with a little less spray next time," said Buttgereit.

I popped into 'Poundworld' to buy some socks. However the tills weren't working and the staff were struggling to cope and one of the young assistants on the till called for the manageress. By the time she arrived I was getting rather impatient and explained to her that the maths isn't difficult; everything costs £1 without exception.

I got no response from her and so just noisily placed my Pound coin on the counter and walked out holding my packet of three pairs of socks.

I hung about outside the shop for a couple of minutes and it looked like that at least one other person, and possibly two, had done likewise.

Viva La Revolución!

Three men discuss the worst age to be.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

Apparently this sign is permanently attached to a gatepost somewhere in America.

Dog For Sale:

Answers to the name of Dolly.

FREE to approved home, will eat anything, excellent guard dog.

Loves other small-dog breeds.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more kids,
thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood.... for
him to eat!

Most of them knew him as " F*CK ME !! "

Your help will be appreciated....

I've just had a knock on the front door and the contractors working for the water company have asked me to turn my tap on for a couple of minutes so that they can adjust the water pressure for the street fo the weekend. We should be alright now until Monday; we just need to boil any drinking water...but, at least the toilet will flush and I'll be able to have a bath later.

Storm of protest in 'Nowheresville'

The BBC has apologised after a weatherman described the Western Isles of Scotland as "nowheresville".

Viewers complained after Tomasz Schafernaker used the description during two weather bulletins.

During the forecasts on BBC1 and BBC News 24, the meteorologist said there would be rain in the the north-west of Scotland.

He then added that it would be "mainly in the Western Isles, mainly in nowheresville".

Western Isles MP Angus MacNeil said he had been contacted by some angry constituents who were offended at how their part of Britain had been portrayed.

He said one complainer described Mr Schafernaker's comment as "insulting, ignorant and self-satisfied".

Mr MacNeil said: "I think this is symptomatic of the wider attitude the BBC have of the hiding of Scotland - they seem to have stopped reporting on the geographical entirety of the UK."

Mr Schafernaker said: "My intention was only to convey that very few people were likely to catch a shower on that day.

"It was in no way a comment or opinion on the area or the people that live there. I deeply regret my choice of words and fully understand why it offended viewers."

Mummified man found in front of his Long Island TV

HAMPTON BAYS, N.Y. — The partially mummified body of a man dead for more than a year has been found in a chair in front of his television, which was still on, authorities said.

Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, apparently died of natural causes, said Dr. Stuart Dawson, Suffolk County's deputy chief medical examiner.

Police found Ricardo's body this week when they investigated a report of burst pipes.

The home's dry air had preserved his features, morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus said.

"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Bacchus said.

Ricardo's wife died years ago, and he lived alone, Dawson said.

"He hasn't been heard from in over a year. That's the part that baffles me," he said. "Nobody sounded the alarm."

Neighbours said they had thought Ricardo was in a hospital or nursing home.

"We never thought to check on him," said neighbor Diane Devon.

Surgeons trying to correct the limp of a five-year-old boy in China has apologised after lengthening the wrong leg.

They say the mistake was down to the boy being anaesthetised on his back but then operated on while lying on his stomach.

Xiangya Second Hospital in Changsha city operated on Miao Mingming whose right leg is shorter than his left.

"The doctor suggested surgery to extend the withered tendon, and we agreed. But when Mingming came out of the operating room, I found his left leg was in the cast," complained his father.

The hospital has admitted its mistake and promised to take full responsibility, reports Xinhua News.

Chief doctor Zhao said: "I am very sorry about what happened. Before the surgery, the patient was lying on his back and received full anaesthesia, and then the surgery was done with the patient lying on his stomach."

Now Mingming has to undergo two more operations, one to extend the right leg, the other to shorten the extended left leg.

Dog buys his own sausages

A dog owner in China says his pet is smart enough to buy himself sausages when he's hungry.

Wu Qianhe, of Chengdu city, says his pooch, Lele, barks to let him know he's feeling hungry.

"I'll drop him one yuan, and he takes the money in his mouth and runs to the neighbouring shops, which all know him well," says Qianhe.

Lele will not release the money until he's been given the sausage, reports Chengdu Evening Papers.

"He is smart enough to tell the difference between a piece of white paper and money. You can never cheat him," added Qianhe.

Celebrity Buttplugs
Now you can stick George W. Bush up your butt.

Celebrity Buttplugs have the likeness of famous people. Thus far, they have...

* George W. Tush
* Smell Gibson (Braveheart Edition)
* Parass Hilton
They'll also make a "custom buttplug" for you, if you send them a close-up photo of someone, perhaps yourself, your ex, or whatever turns you on.

Soon to be available is an "expander" for the Dubya model that squeezes air into his head, expanding his ego, and increasing your pleasure.

Jail me, urges chocolate-eating Dutchman
35-year-old says he benefits from African child slavery in cocoa production

AMSTERDAM, The Netherlands - A Dutch journalist asked an Amsterdam court on Friday to convict him for eating chocolate, saying by doing so he was benefiting from child slavery on cocoa farms in Ivory Coast.

Teun van de Keuken, 35, is seeking a jail sentence to raise consumer awareness and force the cocoa and chocolate industry to take tougher measures to stamp out child labor.

“If I am found guilty of this crime, any chocolate consumer can be prosecuted after that. I hope that people would stop buying chocolate and thus hurt the sales of big corporations and make them do something about the problem,” van de Keuken said.

Ivory Coast, the world’s No. 1 cocoa producer which has been racked by instability since a brief 2002 civil war, is the target of allegations by international rights groups that children are working as slaves on its cocoa plantations.

Van de Keuken launched his attempt to be charged for eating chocolate two years ago when the Dutch public prosecutor ruled that it was not a case for the courts and that the journalist was not directly involved with the cocoa business.

On Friday, he appealed against the prosecutor’s decision before a court which is expected to rule in April.

The journalist traveled to Burkina Faso to track down former child slaves who he said were sold by their impoverished parents or lured by merchants to work on Ivory Coast farms.

Van de Keuken said he has now brought one of these former child slaves to testify in court against him.

“We profit from these people and they get almost nothing in return. As consumers we are also responsible for these atrocities,” van de Keuken told Reuters.

He urged consumers to choose fair trade chocolate but warned it was often difficult to trace the origin of cocoa beans.

The Netherlands is the biggest importer and processor of cocoa beans in the European Union, which accounts for 40 percent of global cocoa processing.

“I cannot deny that there are issues with child labor but it is totally wrong to call it slavery,” said Robert Zehnder, secretary general of the European Cocoa Association. “We work with governments and NGOs to address the problem.”

David Zimmer from the CAOBISCO industry association said boycotts of chocolate would hurt farmers in west Africa as 10 million people depended on cocoa for their livelihood.

Members of the global chocolate and cocoa industry signed an accord in late 2001 for the introduction of a certification system by July 2005 that would enable customers to choose chocolate produced without abusive labor practices. But, to the frustration of rights groups, deadlines have been slipping

Two pensioners go for on a fishing trip

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "fuck or drown."

This lady thinks she has got away with it; no such luck

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

A Russian man divorced his wife of 18 years after finding she had been feeding him cheap pumpkins instead of courgettes.

Ivan Dimitrov, 47, was devastated to find the pies he had been eating for six months were made of pumpkins and not courgettes.

Mr Dimitrov, from Voronezh, said when he realised the truth, after finding pumpkin rinds in the bin, he immediately hired a lawyer to organise a quick divorce from wife Irena, 38.

He said: "She knows I absolutely hate pumpkins and she lied to me for months about it just because the pumpkins were cheap.

"What else has she been lying about? What man could trust a woman who fed him pumpkins for half a year?"

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - A cash-strapped Hungarian village is offering the chance of immortality to anyone willing to pay to have a street named after them, and it's hoping world famous celebrities apply.

The northeastern village of Ivad is charging around 100,000 forints ($511) per meter to name its eight streets and guarantees on its web site that the name will not be altered for 300 years.

"If, for example Barbra Streisand, whom I like a lot, has no street named after her, she may decide to have one in our village," said Gabor Ivady, mayor of Ivad where most of the 400-strong population are related.

People keen to visit the street named after them, however, will be disappointed as Hungarian law dictates roads cannot be named after the living.

Instead they will have to rely on a contract guaranteeing the name change will take posthumously.

Sunday December 5th 2004. Playing in the Swiss league, Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo scored against Schaffhausen, then jumped into the crowd to celebrate. On the way, he managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger. He was booked for excessive celebration.

Arsenal vs Chelsea, Saturday 6th May 200. After scoring Arsenal's (and his) second (and winning) goal, Thierry Henry went to celebrate in the corner of the pitch and required treatment after hitting himself in the face with the corner flag

New Scientist of 5th August 1999 reported on research into a condition called SARA (sexually acquired reactive arthritis) in sportsmen, particularly footballers. It seems that footballers have so much sex that they're particularly susceptible to the condition, which in turn makes them more susceptible to knee injuries.

Perry Groves was on the bench for an Arsenal match . His team went one-nil up and he jumped up to celebrate only to hit his head on the roof of the dug-out! He knocked himself out and needed treatment from physio Gary Lewin.

Sometime in the 70s, Norwegian International defender Svein Grondalen had to withdraw from an International after an accident which happened while he was out jogging. He collided with a moose.

David Seaman once broke a bone reaching for his TV remote Another time, when already out with an injured knee, Seaman went carp fishing and put his shoulder out while reeling in a 26 pounder.

Carlo Cudicini is also said to have damaged a knee reaching for a remote control.

In 1970 the career of Chic Brodie (Brentford keeper) was ended by injury following a mid-match collision with a dog that had invaded the pitch.

In 1975 Man United keeper Alex Stepney screamed so hard at his team-mates that he broke his jaw.

Brazilian star Ramalho was in bed for three days after swallowing a suppository intended to treat a dental infection .

Milan Rapaic once missed the start of Hajduk Split's season after sticking his boarding-pass in his eye at the airport.

In 1999 Portsmouth's Johnny "Lager" Durnin, playing a round of golf with Alan McLoughlin, crashed his buggy into a fairway hollow because he was admiring the view rather than watching the ground in front, and dislocated his elbow putting him out for 6 weeks.

In 1993 keeper Dave Beasant was kept out by a foot injury caused by a falling jar of salad cream. Yes, he fumbled it, and because his hands were full he stuck out a foot to stop it hitting the floor!

Barnsley's Darren Barnard slipped in a puddle of his new puppy's pee on the kitchen floor. The resulting knee ligament damage kept him out of action for five months.

Wolves striker Robbie Keane ruptured his knee cartilage in 1998 after stretching to pick up his TV remote control

Steve Morrow broke his collarbone after falling off Tony Adams while celebrating the 1993 League Cup final win.

David Batty's return from an Achilles tendon injury was put back when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.

Allan Nielsen of Spurs missed several matches after his daughter poked him in the eye

Republic of Ireland star Alan McLoughlin, John Durnin's golf-partner (see above), ruptured his right thumb picking up daughter Megan.

Alan Wright, Villa's little full-back, needed treatment for a knee strain caused by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. 'It gave me grief,' said Wright, who swapped the car for a Rover 416.

Arsenal legend Charlie George never fully recovered from cutting off his big toe with a lawnmower.

Lee Hodges of Barnet slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, wrenching his groin

Alan Mullery missed England's 1964 tour of South America after putting his back out while brushing his teeth.

Reserve Liverpool keeper Stensgaard once injured himself in an incident with an ironing board.

Rio Ferdinand of Leeds damaged his knee in January 2001, while relaxing in front of the telly with his feet up on a coffee table.

Former Arsenal keeper Richard Wright, was warming up in the goalmouth in preparation for an FA Cup tie against Chelsea for his next club Everton, when he twisted his ankle. He did it landing on a wooden sign instructing people not to practise there.

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happened.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!