REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate.
It’s safe to have chocolate while you’re driving.
You never feel guilty after chocolate.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
With chocolate – satisfaction’s guaranteed.

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
You can share chocolates with your best friend.
A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
Chocolate isn’t looking for a long term commitment.

The Cat and Man

St. Peter’s, Barnburgh is known far and wide as the
‘Cat and Man Church’

This is because of a tragedy which took place there over five hundred years ago.

In those days, there was a hall in Barnburgh, which was the home of a rich and powerful family called the Cresacres. They owned much of the village and the surrounding land and were known as the Lords of the Manor.

Late one night, a member of the Cresacre family, named Sir Percival, was returning from Doncaster on horseback, after visiting some of his friends. At that time, there were no proper roads and very few houses, and the land between Doncaster and Barnburgh was thickly wooded. It would have been a dark and lonely ride.

Somewhere on his way between the tiny settlement of High Melton and his home at Barnburgh Hall, Sir Percival was attacked by a wild cat. Wild cats were nothing like the cats that we have as pets today. They were much bigger, stronger and more dangerous. They fed themselves and their families by hunting and killing.

Sir Percival’s horse was terrified by the attack and threw him from its back and ran away. Sir Percival and the cat then began a long and terrible struggle all the way from Ludwell Hill to St. Peter’s Church. On reaching the church, Sir Percival tried to gain safety inside. He managed to open the door to the porch and must have tried with all his strength to shut the cat outside. But he failed. Sir Percival’s fight for his life continued in the small, dark porch.

Both Sir Percival and the ferocious wild cat were completely exhausted by their dreadful struggle. With his last breath, Sir Percival managed to crush the cat to death against the wall of the porch.

Sir Percival’s frightened horse had returned to the Hall without him. His family and servants, fearing an accident, began a frantic torchlight search. By the time they reached Sir Percival, he was dead. The awful wounds made by the cat’s sharp claws had tragically killed him.

To this very day, a bloodstain on the floor of St. Peter’s Church porch marks the scene of this gruesome tragedy

Woman Makes Entire Wardrobe Out Of Hair

A Romanian woman has just completed creating an entire wardrobe
out of her her own hair. Ioana Cioanca, 64, started to collect
her fallen hair since she was 17 when her grandmother told her
that it was a sin to throw it out. She just completed making a
raincoat for the winter season. She says she intends to wear it
over the brown blouse and skirt crocheted from the same material
when she goes to church on Sunday.

Classic Mottyisms
Insightful commentary from the BBC’s veteran sports commentator:

For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip

This could be our best victory over Germany since the war

I was going to say, even Brazil can’t play without the ball, heh heh

The goals made such a difference to the way this game went

The match has became quite unpredictable, but it still looks as though Arsenal will win the cup

And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction

Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it`s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour