MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (Reuters) - A little under one-third of U.S. households have no Internet access and do not plan to get it, with most of the holdouts seeing little use for it in their lives, according to a survey released on Friday.

Park Associates, a Dallas-based technology market research firm, said 29 percent of U.S. households, or 31 million homes, do not have Internet access and do not intend to subscribe to an Internet service over the next 12 months.

The second annual National Technology Scan conducted by Park found the main reason potential customers say they do not subscribe to the Internet is because of the low value to their daily lives they perceive rather than concerns over cost.

Forty-four percent of these households say they are not interested in anything on the Internet, versus just 22 percent who say they cannot afford a computer or the cost of Internet service, the survey showed.

The answer "I'm not sure how to use the Internet" came from 17 percent of participants who do not subscribe. The response "I do all my e-commerce shopping and YouTube-watching at work" was cited by 14 percent of Internet-access refuseniks. Three percent said the Internet doesn't reach their homes.

The study found U.S. broadband adoption grew to 52 percent over 2006, up from 42 percent in 2005. Roughly half of new subscribers converted from slower-speed, dial-up Internet access while the other half of households had no prior access.

"The industry continues to chip away at the core of nonsubscribers, but has a ways to go," said John Barrett, director of research at Parks Associates.

"Entertainment applications will be the key. If anything will pull in the holdouts, it's going to be applications that make the Internet more akin to pay TV," he predicted.

A mouse munched its way through thousands of pounds of cash after climbing inside a cash machine in Estonia.

The animal was found in the machine after a customer withdrew some money and got partly-eaten banknotes outside the bank in the capital Tallinn.

Bank security experts are investigating how the mouse managed to get into the machine.

Kristina Tamberg, spokeswoman for Hansapank Bank, said: "We have never heard of anything even remotely like this happening before.

"At some stage over the weekend the chewed money jammed, and the mouse seems to have spent the rest of the weekend turning the notes into bedding.

"It probably was attracted by the warmth from the machine and decided to make itself at home."

BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A cashier for Romania's state-owned railway has been asked to pay a month's worth of wages to receive government confirmation that she is alive.

Filoftea Popescu discovered when she applied for a passport that the Romania's People Registration Service had mistakenly declared her dead in November 2005, stripping her of all her rights as a citizen.

"I went to the police ... and I found out that I have no rights in the Romanian state because I died in 2005," the 55-year-old Popescu was quoted on Monday by daily Evenimentul Zilei as saying.

Romania is struggling to cut through vast red tape and complicated legislation to improve a bloated and ineffective administration in order to benefit from new membership in the European Union.

"A lawyer told me it costs me 500 Lei (to obtain a court order). Why should I pay to prove I am alive?" Popescu said.

The People Registration Service admitted its error and said it fired the staff responsible.

But Popescu's family doctor is still reeling from the shock of seeing her at his office not long after receiving a copy of her death certificate from the state.

"When she came to my clinic, I lost my voice," said Nicolae Toboiu.

I've just been watching a news report on TV about a new drug that's become available for the treatment of hay fever. I don't think I'll be offered it since it seems to only suppress the effects of grass pollen [and I seem to mainly be allergic to tree pollen]and costs £800 a year for a course of treatment.

I collected my prescription and neoclarityn tablets earlier in the week, but haven't needed to use them yet. Since I'm now unemployed again I might as well take advantage of free prescriptions; the tablets are rather expensive to actually buy at the chemist's.

OTTAWA (AFP) - The scent of a woman was too powerful for bus drivers in western Canada who twice banished her to the curb for dabbing too much perfume, press reports said Wednesday.

The buxom brunette said she boarded a bus on two separate days wearing her usual two squirts of Very Irresistible by Givenchy, billed in advertisements as bringing out a woman's spontaneity, audacity and sensuality.

But during each commute, the driver said the potent odor was interfering with his ability to operate the vehicle, and kicked her off.

"I was humiliated and embarrassed in front of other passengers," the 25-year-old chiropractic assistant told broadcaster CTV. "I got off that bus in tears."

When she complained, transit officials steered her to the back of the bus, next to an open window. "I felt like a modern day Rosa Parks," she told the National Post.

Pundits said the confrontation illustrates changing attitudes in Canada to heavy perfume use, much in the same way that smoking became less acceptable in recent decades.

"At one point, the etiquette was that if you didn't like the smoke, then leave," scent expert Roedy Green told the Globe and Mail newspaper. "Now the rule is that you don't have the right to pollute somebody else's air."

In 2000, the city of Halifax in eastern Canada banned scents in all municipal buildings, including schools, libraries and courts, as well as many workplaces, theatres and shops.

The Lung Association meanwhile said it has received more and more requests for scent-free signs and related materials, with rising rates of asthma and other pulmonary diseases that are greatly susceptible to irritants in the air.

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A survey of the things people find under their beds turned up some bizarre results, from sweaty socks to sex toys.

And one man looked underneath his bed - to find his wife's secret girlfriend, reports Sky News.

The survey, by hotel chain Travelodge, said people also found dirty plates, guitars and a mouldy Chinese takeaway.

One of the 2,000 adults questioned returned home to find his wife under the covers and a 'rustling sound' coming from under the bed. It turned out to be his wife's girlfriend.

One woman feared a gas leak only to discover the source of the stench came from a pair of her husband's sweaty football socks left festering for two years.

Another man was helping his mother-in-law move her bed only to find her collection of adult toys.

Over a third of those polled said they only vacuumed under the bed once a year. One in four would be embarrassed if someone looked under their bed.

Travelodge spokesman Wayne Munnelly said: "Your bed is a haven and its surroundings should be clean and clutter-free to aid a good night's sleep and that includes under your bed."

What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?

Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

My regular tasks on the computer for the next couple of hours:

Post my blog.

Read other blogs and post comments.

Monitor all my bookmarked news and current affairs sites

Check my emails

Find yesterday's edition of 'Lost' on one of the TV episodes download sites and watch it.

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

A drinker has been barred from his local pub for breaking wind.

Stewart Laidlaw, 35, has been shown the door for good by Thirsty Kirsty's in Dunfermline, Fife, for "basking in the glory of his smells", reports The Sun.

Landlord John Thow said: "The smell is disgusting and when he drops one he'll shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it."

Shop worker Stewart was said to be "very angry" with the decision but a fellow drinker complained: "He's a smelly guy, and no mistake."

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Judge jails slow stenographer

A judge in Florida jailed his own court stenographer for working too slowly.

Circuit Judge Charles Greene sent Ann Margaret Smith to prison for contempt of court in Fort Lauderdale.

She had failed to finish typing a transcript needed for an appeal hearing for a convicted rapist, reports Metro.

Judge Greene said Smith had failed to finish the transcript for several months and had missed her final deadline of last Friday.

She also failed to write up the transcript in time for her appearance on contempt of court charges.

Smith was released from jail on Sunday night, after she said she couldn't do the work in prison because she was so worried about her three children at home.

Judge Greene relented, and allowed her out of jail - but immediately put her under house arrest until she completes the work.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home.

When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Drunk posted himself

A German man has been arrested after he climbed into an emergency postbox for unwanted babies while drunk.

Heinrich Mueller, 28, slid down the chute and ended up in an emergency incubator, triggering alarms among medical staff.

But instead of another unwanted newborn baby, they found Mueller smoking a cigarette.

He then fell asleep as staff worked out how to get him out of the incubator at the hospital in Dortmund.

Hundreds of babies have been deposited in the boxes set up across Germany and Austria since the scheme started five years ago.

It came into effect after more and more young mums unable to cope with their newborns had been abandoning them on the street. The baby boxes offered a safe 'no questions asked' alternative.

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

A TV extra has proudly told how he landed the job of body double for John Prescott's backside.

Michael Knott, 54, bared his bottom for a racy scene in Confessions of a Diary Secretary - based on the Deputy PM's fling with an aide.

The 17st extra got the role because John Henshaw, who played Prescott, has a scarred bum from a car crash.

So it was his bottom that ITV viewers saw when Prezza romped on a desk with secretary Tracey Temple, played by Shameless star Maxine Peake.

Michael believes he was the ideal candidate and said: "I'm a bit of a fatty but my bum's pretty pert.

"It's quite smooth and not hairy or pimply. I look after it by giving it a dusting of talc each night.

"I look after myself too. I've a gym at home and work out a bit. That's why my bottom's pert. But if I dieted my parts would dry up, pardon the expression."

Michael, of Littlehampton, West Sussex, got £191 for his day's work on the political drama.

He has previously had minor roles in Bend It Like Beckham, Snatch and has an upcoming part as a corpse in The Bill.

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

At the moment I'm aching all over and every one of my joints is stiff, but I'm feeling quite contented.

I've spend quite a few hours of the last two days at the stables with a couple of friends who own horses. I don't really like horses, but I've run out of excuses for not visiting.

As to be expected they took their horses out for some exercise, and I tagged along on foot. Like a fool though, whenever they started to trot I started jogging to try and keep up. I soon ended up a long way behind though; however, when they reached woodland or a road they had to slow down and I could catch up.

£135k cost of impotency

An Italian man has been fined £135,000 for marrying his girlfriend without telling her he was impotent.

A court in southern town of Palermo found Luca Prodi, 26, guilty of fraud because he deceived his wife.

Prodi claimed he wanted to wait until they were married before having sex, and it was only after the wedding the woman found out the truth.

But the court ruled that she had a right to know about his impotency before entering into the marriage contract.

Prodi also has to pay £20,000 in court costs. His wife has since divorced him.

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) - Thirteen-year-old Katharine Tuck's sneakers are equal opportunity offenders. They smell as bad as they look. Now, the Utah seventh grader is $2,500 richer because of it: On Tuesday, she out-ranked six other children to win the 32nd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest, stinking up the joint with a pair of well-worn 1 1/2-year-old Nikes so noxious they had the judges wincing.

"I'm so proud of the little stinker," said her mother, Paula Tuck.

Ah, the foul smell of success.

The contest, which was founded in 1975 as a sporting good store promotion and is now sponsored by the manufacturer of anti-foot odor products, pits children from around the nation who have won state-level competitions for the generally cruddy condition of their footwear.

Kyle Underwood, 9, was in from Las Cruces, N.M., with his low-cut black Starters, the ones with the blown-out toe on the right foot. "These are bad," sighed judge Andy Brewer. "Ooh, these are really bad."

Michael Nduka, 9, of White Plains, N.Y., was there, too, with his ratty black-and-white low-cuts, which - like the others - were passed from judge to judge for inspection. Judge William Fraser, who is Montpelier's city manager, held one up using the tip of a pen, like a crime scene investigator trying not to taint the evidence.

Eleven-year-old Alex Clark's sneakers had tape over the holes in the toes, and the instep of one was blown out. When judge George Aldrich took a whiff, he coughed and then handed the sneaker back to Clark. "I saw you flinch," Aldrich said to him.

"As a parent, you want to hide," said Kathy Midgley, 48, of Berkeley Heights, N.J., who was there to watch her 8-year-old son compete.

Clad in Odor-Eaters baseball caps and Odor-Eaters T-shirts, each contestant had to jump in place once and then make one full turn in place before taking off his or her shoes and handing them to the judges. It was 24 degrees outside, but only one of them wore socks - since foot sweat is a boon not a bane in this game.

Odor-Eaters paid to fly eight contestants - each with a parent - to Vermont, but not all arrived on time. Devin Koivisto, 12, of Phoenix, didn't make it due to travel complications.

Tuck almost didn't, either: Her flight to Newark, N.J., was delayed, forcing she and her father to miss a connecting flight to Vermont. They drove the rest of the way, but their luggage still hadn't arrived Tuesday.

But her mother had the foresight to warn Tuck not to ship her prized shoes in her checked baggage, lest it get lost en route.

Mercifully for airport security screeners, she didn't wear them, either, opting to carry them in her purse.

For these sneakers, the smell was only the half of it. Ripped on the right toe, with red and yellow duct tape holding one together and frayed laces on both, they looked like something from a landfill.

She has used them to play soccer, basketball and other sports, hiked in them and waded into the Great Salt Lake, where they became infiltrated with brine shrimp.

"People ask me why I don't get new ones and why I would enter a contest like this," she said before the judging started.

Once it did, she called her mother on a cell phone and kept the line open so Mom could listen in. Once Fraser got a look - and a whiff - of Tuck's Nikes, he took the phone from her. "Do you actually let her wear these in public?" he asked her mother.

After the judges' decision was announced, Tuck shyly granted interviews. Was she proud? "Yeah, I guess."

"She's going to put this on her first job application," said her father, Michael Tuck.

"I am?" she said.

My brother's just been visiting and we've decided to go and see the film '300' on Tuesday.

I've read some excellent reviews and so we should have an enjoyable couple of hours.

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.