Posts archive for: March, 2007
  • Internet Refuseniks

    MOUNTAIN VIEW, California (Reuters) - A little under one-third of U.S. households have no Internet access and do not plan to get it, with most of the holdouts seeing little use for it in their lives, according to a survey released on Friday.

    Park Associates, a Dallas-based technology market research firm, said 29 percent of U.S. households, or 31 million homes, do not have Internet access and do not intend to subscribe to an Internet service over the next 12 months.

    The second annual National Technology Scan conducted by Park found the main reason potential customers say they do not subscribe to the Internet is because of the low value to their daily lives they perceive rather than concerns over cost.

    Forty-four percent of these households say they are not interested in anything on the Internet, versus just 22 percent who say they cannot afford a computer or the cost of Internet service, the survey showed.

    The answer "I'm not sure how to use the Internet" came from 17 percent of participants who do not subscribe. The response "I do all my e-commerce shopping and YouTube-watching at work" was cited by 14 percent of Internet-access refuseniks. Three percent said the Internet doesn't reach their homes.

    The study found U.S. broadband adoption grew to 52 percent over 2006, up from 42 percent in 2005. Roughly half of new subscribers converted from slower-speed, dial-up Internet access while the other half of households had no prior access.

    "The industry continues to chip away at the core of nonsubscribers, but has a ways to go," said John Barrett, director of research at Parks Associates.

    "Entertainment applications will be the key. If anything will pull in the holdouts, it's going to be applications that make the Internet more akin to pay TV," he predicted.

  • Mouse 'robs' cash machine

    A mouse munched its way through thousands of pounds of cash after climbing inside a cash machine in Estonia.

    The animal was found in the machine after a customer withdrew some money and got partly-eaten banknotes outside the bank in the capital Tallinn.

    Bank security experts are investigating how the mouse managed to get into the machine.

    Kristina Tamberg, spokeswoman for Hansapank Bank, said: "We have never heard of anything even remotely like this happening before.

    "At some stage over the weekend the chewed money jammed, and the mouse seems to have spent the rest of the weekend turning the notes into bedding.

    "It probably was attracted by the warmth from the machine and decided to make itself at home."

  • Return Journey

    BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A cashier for Romania's state-owned railway has been asked to pay a month's worth of wages to receive government confirmation that she is alive.

    Filoftea Popescu discovered when she applied for a passport that the Romania's People Registration Service had mistakenly declared her dead in November 2005, stripping her of all her rights as a citizen.

    "I went to the police ... and I found out that I have no rights in the Romanian state because I died in 2005," the 55-year-old Popescu was quoted on Monday by daily Evenimentul Zilei as saying.

    Romania is struggling to cut through vast red tape and complicated legislation to improve a bloated and ineffective administration in order to benefit from new membership in the European Union.

    "A lawyer told me it costs me 500 Lei (to obtain a court order). Why should I pay to prove I am alive?" Popescu said.

    The People Registration Service admitted its error and said it fired the staff responsible.

    But Popescu's family doctor is still reeling from the shock of seeing her at his office not long after receiving a copy of her death certificate from the state.

    "When she came to my clinic, I lost my voice," said Nicolae Toboiu.

  • Hay Fever

    I've just been watching a news report on TV about a new drug that's become available for the treatment of hay fever. I don't think I'll be offered it since it seems to only suppress the effects of grass pollen [and I seem to mainly be allergic to tree pollen]and costs £800 a year for a course of treatment.

    I collected my prescription and neoclarityn tablets earlier in the week, but haven't needed to use them yet. Since I'm now unemployed again I might as well take advantage of free prescriptions; the tablets are rather expensive to actually buy at the chemist's.

  • Too much?

    OTTAWA (AFP) - The scent of a woman was too powerful for bus drivers in western Canada who twice banished her to the curb for dabbing too much perfume, press reports said Wednesday.

    The buxom brunette said she boarded a bus on two separate days wearing her usual two squirts of Very Irresistible by Givenchy, billed in advertisements as bringing out a woman's spontaneity, audacity and sensuality.

    But during each commute, the driver said the potent odor was interfering with his ability to operate the vehicle, and kicked her off.

    "I was humiliated and embarrassed in front of other passengers," the 25-year-old chiropractic assistant told broadcaster CTV. "I got off that bus in tears."

    When she complained, transit officials steered her to the back of the bus, next to an open window. "I felt like a modern day Rosa Parks," she told the National Post.

    Pundits said the confrontation illustrates changing attitudes in Canada to heavy perfume use, much in the same way that smoking became less acceptable in recent decades.

    "At one point, the etiquette was that if you didn't like the smoke, then leave," scent expert Roedy Green told the Globe and Mail newspaper. "Now the rule is that you don't have the right to pollute somebody else's air."

    In 2000, the city of Halifax in eastern Canada banned scents in all municipal buildings, including schools, libraries and courts, as well as many workplaces, theatres and shops.

    The Lung Association meanwhile said it has received more and more requests for scent-free signs and related materials, with rising rates of asthma and other pulmonary diseases that are greatly susceptible to irritants in the air.

  • A Lady Never Tells Her Age

    A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

    A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

    He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

    Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

    He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

    The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

  • Bread is dangerous and should be banned!

    SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

    4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

    5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

    6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

    7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

    8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

    9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

    10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

  • Two Scottish Nuns

    Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
    "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
    The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

  • What's under your bed?

    A survey of the things people find under their beds turned up some bizarre results, from sweaty socks to sex toys.

    And one man looked underneath his bed - to find his wife's secret girlfriend, reports Sky News.

    The survey, by hotel chain Travelodge, said people also found dirty plates, guitars and a mouldy Chinese takeaway.

    One of the 2,000 adults questioned returned home to find his wife under the covers and a 'rustling sound' coming from under the bed. It turned out to be his wife's girlfriend.

    One woman feared a gas leak only to discover the source of the stench came from a pair of her husband's sweaty football socks left festering for two years.

    Another man was helping his mother-in-law move her bed only to find her collection of adult toys.

    Over a third of those polled said they only vacuumed under the bed once a year. One in four would be embarrassed if someone looked under their bed.

    Travelodge spokesman Wayne Munnelly said: "Your bed is a haven and its surroundings should be clean and clutter-free to aid a good night's sleep and that includes under your bed."

  • Women

    What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18 , 28, 38 and 48?

    Age 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

    Age 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

    Age 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

    Age 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

    Age 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

  • Thursday Morning

    My regular tasks on the computer for the next couple of hours:

    Post my blog.

    Read other blogs and post comments.

    Monitor all my bookmarked news and current affairs sites

    Check my emails

    Find yesterday's edition of 'Lost' on one of the TV episodes download sites and watch it.

  • For Posterity

    When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

  • Last odours at the bar

    A drinker has been barred from his local pub for breaking wind.

    Stewart Laidlaw, 35, has been shown the door for good by Thirsty Kirsty's in Dunfermline, Fife, for "basking in the glory of his smells", reports The Sun.

    Landlord John Thow said: "The smell is disgusting and when he drops one he'll shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it."

    Shop worker Stewart was said to be "very angry" with the decision but a fellow drinker complained: "He's a smelly guy, and no mistake."

  • 'Be Prepared'

    A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

  • The Divorce Hearing

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

    "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

    "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

  • Someone is having a bad day.

    This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
    After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
    Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
    I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
    Now I'm afraid to pee....

  • A drunk walks into a bar...

    A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

    The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

    The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

    The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

    On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

    The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

    "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

  • Observant

    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

  • Explosive Thought

    A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

    After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

    The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

    Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

    He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

    She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

  • I think I'd be resigning from this job.

    Judge jails slow stenographer

    A judge in Florida jailed his own court stenographer for working too slowly.

    Circuit Judge Charles Greene sent Ann Margaret Smith to prison for contempt of court in Fort Lauderdale.

    She had failed to finish typing a transcript needed for an appeal hearing for a convicted rapist, reports Metro.

    Judge Greene said Smith had failed to finish the transcript for several months and had missed her final deadline of last Friday.

    She also failed to write up the transcript in time for her appearance on contempt of court charges.

    Smith was released from jail on Sunday night, after she said she couldn't do the work in prison because she was so worried about her three children at home.

    Judge Greene relented, and allowed her out of jail - but immediately put her under house arrest until she completes the work.

  • 'Say what you mean, mean what you say.'

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

    Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

  • Unfair dismissal?

    Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home.

    When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
    They are no longer employed at Boeing.

  • Not the delivery they were expecting

    Drunk posted himself

    A German man has been arrested after he climbed into an emergency postbox for unwanted babies while drunk.

    Heinrich Mueller, 28, slid down the chute and ended up in an emergency incubator, triggering alarms among medical staff.

    But instead of another unwanted newborn baby, they found Mueller smoking a cigarette.

    He then fell asleep as staff worked out how to get him out of the incubator at the hospital in Dortmund.

    Hundreds of babies have been deposited in the boxes set up across Germany and Austria since the scheme started five years ago.

    It came into effect after more and more young mums unable to cope with their newborns had been abandoning them on the street. The baby boxes offered a safe 'no questions asked' alternative.

  • Buying condoms

    A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

    "Sure. What size are you?"

    "I don't know," he replies.

    "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

    A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

    Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

    The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

    "Well, I don't know."

    "Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

    A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

    Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

    "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

    "I don't know," he says nervously.

    "Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

  • Bum job of a lifetime

    A TV extra has proudly told how he landed the job of body double for John Prescott's backside.

    Michael Knott, 54, bared his bottom for a racy scene in Confessions of a Diary Secretary - based on the Deputy PM's fling with an aide.

    The 17st extra got the role because John Henshaw, who played Prescott, has a scarred bum from a car crash.

    So it was his bottom that ITV viewers saw when Prezza romped on a desk with secretary Tracey Temple, played by Shameless star Maxine Peake.

    Michael believes he was the ideal candidate and said: "I'm a bit of a fatty but my bum's pretty pert.

    "It's quite smooth and not hairy or pimply. I look after it by giving it a dusting of talc each night.

    "I look after myself too. I've a gym at home and work out a bit. That's why my bottom's pert. But if I dieted my parts would dry up, pardon the expression."

    Michael, of Littlehampton, West Sussex, got £191 for his day's work on the political drama.

    He has previously had minor roles in Bend It Like Beckham, Snatch and has an upcoming part as a corpse in The Bill.

  • Adultery & Alcohol

    An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

    When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

    He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

    The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

  • Thank god for woodland and traffic.

    At the moment I'm aching all over and every one of my joints is stiff, but I'm feeling quite contented.

    I've spend quite a few hours of the last two days at the stables with a couple of friends who own horses. I don't really like horses, but I've run out of excuses for not visiting.

    As to be expected they took their horses out for some exercise, and I tagged along on foot. Like a fool though, whenever they started to trot I started jogging to try and keep up. I soon ended up a long way behind though; however, when they reached woodland or a road they had to slow down and I could catch up.

  • Contract law

    £135k cost of impotency

    An Italian man has been fined £135,000 for marrying his girlfriend without telling her he was impotent.

    A court in southern town of Palermo found Luca Prodi, 26, guilty of fraud because he deceived his wife.

    Prodi claimed he wanted to wait until they were married before having sex, and it was only after the wedding the woman found out the truth.

    But the court ruled that she had a right to know about his impotency before entering into the marriage contract.

    Prodi also has to pay £20,000 in court costs. His wife has since divorced him.

  • What a pong!

    MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) - Thirteen-year-old Katharine Tuck's sneakers are equal opportunity offenders. They smell as bad as they look. Now, the Utah seventh grader is $2,500 richer because of it: On Tuesday, she out-ranked six other children to win the 32nd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest, stinking up the joint with a pair of well-worn 1 1/2-year-old Nikes so noxious they had the judges wincing.

    "I'm so proud of the little stinker," said her mother, Paula Tuck.

    Ah, the foul smell of success.

    The contest, which was founded in 1975 as a sporting good store promotion and is now sponsored by the manufacturer of anti-foot odor products, pits children from around the nation who have won state-level competitions for the generally cruddy condition of their footwear.

    Kyle Underwood, 9, was in from Las Cruces, N.M., with his low-cut black Starters, the ones with the blown-out toe on the right foot. "These are bad," sighed judge Andy Brewer. "Ooh, these are really bad."

    Michael Nduka, 9, of White Plains, N.Y., was there, too, with his ratty black-and-white low-cuts, which - like the others - were passed from judge to judge for inspection. Judge William Fraser, who is Montpelier's city manager, held one up using the tip of a pen, like a crime scene investigator trying not to taint the evidence.

    Eleven-year-old Alex Clark's sneakers had tape over the holes in the toes, and the instep of one was blown out. When judge George Aldrich took a whiff, he coughed and then handed the sneaker back to Clark. "I saw you flinch," Aldrich said to him.

    "As a parent, you want to hide," said Kathy Midgley, 48, of Berkeley Heights, N.J., who was there to watch her 8-year-old son compete.

    Clad in Odor-Eaters baseball caps and Odor-Eaters T-shirts, each contestant had to jump in place once and then make one full turn in place before taking off his or her shoes and handing them to the judges. It was 24 degrees outside, but only one of them wore socks - since foot sweat is a boon not a bane in this game.

    Odor-Eaters paid to fly eight contestants - each with a parent - to Vermont, but not all arrived on time. Devin Koivisto, 12, of Phoenix, didn't make it due to travel complications.

    Tuck almost didn't, either: Her flight to Newark, N.J., was delayed, forcing she and her father to miss a connecting flight to Vermont. They drove the rest of the way, but their luggage still hadn't arrived Tuesday.

    But her mother had the foresight to warn Tuck not to ship her prized shoes in her checked baggage, lest it get lost en route.

    Mercifully for airport security screeners, she didn't wear them, either, opting to carry them in her purse.

    For these sneakers, the smell was only the half of it. Ripped on the right toe, with red and yellow duct tape holding one together and frayed laces on both, they looked like something from a landfill.

    She has used them to play soccer, basketball and other sports, hiked in them and waded into the Great Salt Lake, where they became infiltrated with brine shrimp.

    "People ask me why I don't get new ones and why I would enter a contest like this," she said before the judging started.

    Once it did, she called her mother on a cell phone and kept the line open so Mom could listen in. Once Fraser got a look - and a whiff - of Tuck's Nikes, he took the phone from her. "Do you actually let her wear these in public?" he asked her mother.

    After the judges' decision was announced, Tuck shyly granted interviews. Was she proud? "Yeah, I guess."

    "She's going to put this on her first job application," said her father, Michael Tuck.

    "I am?" she said.

  • 300

    My brother's just been visiting and we've decided to go and see the film '300' on Tuesday.

    I've read some excellent reviews and so we should have an enjoyable couple of hours.

  • The differences between men and women

    NICKNAMES:
    If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

    DINING OUT:
    And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

    BATHROOMS:
    A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    GROCERIES:
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

    CATS:
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    DRESSING UP:
    A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

    LAUNDRY:
    Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

    OFFSPRING:
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

  • Woman pleads guilty in fake penis case

    (Pennsylvania, AP) - A woman pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in connection with a bizarre incident that resulted in a fake penis being microwaved at a convenience store. Leslye Creighton, 41, of Wilkinsburg, entered the plea, and authorities dropped the same charge against Vincent Bostic, 31, of Pittsburgh, who has agreed to help pay $425 to replace the store's microwave, police and the couple's defense attorney said. Police in McKeesport, about 10 miles east of Pittsburgh, said the recent incident began when Bostic filled a fake penis with his urine that they said Creighton planned to use to pass a drug test to get a job. The two stopped at a GetGo! convenience store and, after wrapping the device in a paper towel, asked a store clerk to heat it up in a microwave, police said. Authorities said they believe Creighton wanted the device heated so the urine inside would be at body temperature during the drug test. The clerk, however, believing the lifelike device to be a severed penis, called police. Defense attorney William Difenderfer said Creighton faces a maximum punishment of $300 and 90 days in jail when she is sentenced. Difenderfer called it "a humorous, but weird, case

  • Children's Interpretations of Christmas Carols

    A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:

    Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

    We three kings of porridge and tar

    On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

    Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

    He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

    Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

    With the jelly toast proclaim

    Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

    Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

    Sleep in heavenly peas

    In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

    You'll go down in listerine

    Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

    O come, froggy faithful

    You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

  • The ten most important men in a woman's life

    ) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
    2) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."
    3) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
    4) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
    5) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
    6) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
    7) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
    8) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
    9) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
    10) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

  • Well; these should be good for me.

    Today's purchases from Jack Fulton's;

    Knorr Italian Chicken (French language packaging - 2 for £1.50) Roast breast of chicken, penne pasta, cherry tomatoes, broccolli and sauce.

    Knorr Lemon Chicken (French language packaging - 2 for £1.50) Roast breast of chicken, potatoes, courgettes, cherry tomatoes, aubergines and sauce.

    Bird's Eye Sicilian Fish Fillets - £1. Hake fillet, baked peppers, courgettes, baked red onions.

  • Do you measure up?

    If you can start the day without caffeine;
    If you can get going without pep pills;
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
    If you can forgive a friend`s lack of consideration;
    If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
    If you can ignore a friend`s limited education and never correct him;
    If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend;
    If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
    If you can conquer tension without medical help;
    If you can relax without liquor;
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
    If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against anyone based on creed, color, religion, politics, or sexual orientation...
    Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

  • Ten Reasons Why Hallowe'en Is Better Than Sex

    10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

    9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

    8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

    7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

    6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

    5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

    4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

    3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

    2. Less guilt the morning after.

    1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

  • Interrupted midstream.

    I've just been upstairs for a pee and was startled by an American voice coming from downstairs. It was actually my Avast! antivirus software giving me an audio confirmation that it had auto-updated. It's a very good free application that I would happily recommend...it's just that sometimes when I'm away from the screen I am still obviously startled by the voice prompt.

  • World's Funniest Joke [2002]

    LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

    In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

    The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

    And here it is...

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

    "Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

    As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

    People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

    One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke. (Full story)

    People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

    Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

    Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

    Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

    "Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

    "Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

    "The hunters joke contained all three elements."

    Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

    Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

  • Taking the puss

    An Australian bank has issued a credit card to a customer's cat.

    The Bank of Queensland gave Messiah the moggy a credit limit of £1,660.

    Messiah's owner, Katherine Campbell from Melbourne, applied for the card in her cat's name to test bank security.

    Ms Campbell told reporters that the bank requested identification from Messiah but later sent a credit card without receiving any proof of ID.

    And she says she was not notified that a secondary credit card attached to her account had been issued.

    Ms Campbell said the envelope containing her cat's credit card, the letter inside and the credit card itself were all addressed to Messiah Campbell.

    "I just couldn't believe it," she said. "People need to be aware of this and banks need to have better security."

    The bank has apologised for the error but stated that people who apply for credit cards must sign to confirm the information provided is true.

  • Logic

    A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

  • Budget Day

    Later today, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown will be delivering his annual budget speech in the House of Commons.

    No doubt it will be bad news if you smoke, drink, drive a vehicle, are buying or selling a house, or earn sufficient to pay income tax.

    It's fortunate for me that I live a rather boring and minimalist lifestyle I suppose then.

  • Men Never Learn

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

    So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.

    I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

    The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother.

    Will men ever learn?

  • Going to Market?

    There is an island between Finland and Sweden where the boundary had to be altered because of a lighthouse. The island of Market is divided between Sweden and Finland. The lighthouse on it was erected in 1885 by Russians, who ruled Finland. As it was actually on the Swedish side of the border, the boundary had to be corrected in Finland's favour. Finland was nice enough to give a similar piece of territory to the Swedes. This creates salients that are only about 40 feet long and makes the boundaries butterfly-shaped where straight line would have been the norm.

  • Using Celery As A Weapon

    LONDON (Reuters) - Chelsea warned their fans on Friday against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught lobbing the popular salad vegetable could be banned.

    The unlikely warning follows referee reports which mention celery-throwing at two recent Chelsea matches and which are being investigated by the Football Association, the club said on its Web site (www.chelseafc.com).

    The FA's investigation could result in sanctions being taken against the club, who said "the throwing of anything at a football match, including celery, is a criminal offence for which you can be arrested and end up with a criminal record.

    "In future, if anyone is found attempting to bring celery into Stamford Bridge they could be refused entry and anyone caught throwing celery will face a ban."

    The club also urged fans who spot anyone throwing celery in the stadium to call a telephone number, adding that "all calls will be treated in confidence."

    Though apparently a growing problem with it landing on the pitch, Chelsea fans have been throwing celery among themselves, and singing an unprintable song about the vegetable, for more than two decades.

  • Chemical analysis of a woman

    Element - Woman
    Symbol - Wo
    Discoverer - Adam
    Atomic Mass - Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
    Occurrence - Copious quantities in all urban areas
    Physical properties:
    1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
    5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields to pressure when applied to correct points.
    Chemical properties:
    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a Male.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
    5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.

    Common uses:
    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
    Tests:
    1. Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
    Hazards:
    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    2. Illegal to possess more than one.

  • Key West

    The city of Key West in the small island of the same name in Florida is south of any other city in the continental United States. But according to some imaginative souls in Key West, it stopped being so for a minute in 1982. The only way to commute between Key West and the rest of the country is Highway 1. Illegal Haitian and Cuban immigrants used the highway so in April of 1982, the federal government blocked the highway to check identification. The traffic jams this caused totally separated Key West from the rest of the country. As a protest, the mayor of Key West declared independence calling the area Conch Republic noon of April 23, 1982. One minute later he rejoined the country and asked for a billion dollar in foreign aid. As a source of amusement, the day of April 23 is still celebrated in the city of Key West.

  • Olympic wrestling story

    Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

    The wrestler nods in agreement.

    Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

    Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

    The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

  • For my American visitors.

    WHAT ARE THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A TORNADO?

    THEY SCREAM WHEN THEY COME AND TAKE THE HOUSE WHEN THEY LEAVE.

  • Helpful Advice

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
    "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

  • Billy Graham & Jesus

    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home.

    As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

    The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

    Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

    The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

    The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

    The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

    The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

    The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

    The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

    The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

    The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur

  • Silly Joke

    What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

    A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

  • Deduction

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?," inquired Holmes.
    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

  • Completing Your Education

    What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    What's the height of conceit?
    Completing a romantic act and calling out your own name.

    What's the definition of macho?
    Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
    God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

  • Bum Job

    'Surgeon stole my bum'

    A German belly dancer has been awarded £12,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks.

    Julia 'Cleopatra' Meyer, 38, from Munich, wanted slimmer thighs and instead ended up with half her bum missing.

    The court heard that during the liposuction the plastic surgeon, not named, from a private clinic, had removed fat from her right buttock instead of her thighs.

    She said: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing.

    "When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away."

    A consultant at the Berlin Charité hospital asked for an expert opinion said it was a "grave error in treatment".

    The court heard the woman can no longer perform. She does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks.

    The surgeon has been ordered to pay her £12,000 - twice the £6,000 she had been seeking.

  • A Bitter Man Gets His Revenge (or does he?)

    THIS IS HOW HE EXPLAINS IT!!

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

  • A Better Calendar

    1. This would be a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

    2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.

    3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

    4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

    5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with the removal of non-productive Saturday's and Sunday's.

    6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

  • Still the early start.

    Well, I'm now officially unemployed again and I can get up as late as I like; yet here I am, awake at 5:30 and blogging before six o'clock as usual.

    I've never been one for staying in bed in the mornings, but it would be nice to be able to both go to bed and get up a little later.

    Maybe my body clock will eventually adjust.

  • Unusual story from Australia

    Conservationist uses wine bottles to build energy-saving house

    A house in Western Australia's south-west is being built entirely from recycled wine bottles.

    Around 13,500 wine bottles will be used in the walls of the house, which owner Peter Little says will save energy.

    He says by filling the bottles with water, the entire building will be insulated.

    Mr Little has spent 30 years developing environmentally-friendly building methods and he says this one has potential for Australia's hotter regions.

    "Water is probably, I think one of the miracle building materials of this century which nobody is using," he said.

    "From our point of view it can store more energy, heat or cool than any material we know."

  • Medical Solution

    A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

    The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

    Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

    The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

  • Buddhist Dilemma

    Buddhist monks in Malaysia are struggling to combat an infestation of stinging red ants - without killing any of them.

    Monks at the Hong Hock See Temple in Kuala Lumpur face a moral dilemma because of their belief in non-violence.

    The insects have plagued the temple for a year and one worshipper needed hospital treatment after being bitten, reports Sky News.

    A disciple has since tried using a vacuum cleaner to gather up the ants before freeing them in a nearby forest, but the method failed to purge the swarm.

    Elma Lin, a temple volunteer, said: "We haven't found a solution so far. Nothing has worked."

    The temple's chief, Boon Keng, said the monks had to "respect other living things" in the temple.

  • Definitions

    Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

    Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

    Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

    Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

    Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

    Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

    Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

    Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

    Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

    Father : A banker provided by nature.

    Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

    Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

    Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

    Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

    Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

    Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

    Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

    Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

    Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

    Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

  • Directions

    Please read all!

    1.Start at London Heathrow Airport.

    2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

    3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

    4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.

    5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3miles

    6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" -follow for 2.9 miles

    7.Take the "Highway 114 West" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles

    8.Then continue on "US287 Horth" - follow for 91.1 miles

    9."US287 North" becomes "Interstate 44 East" - follow for 0.7 miles

    10.Take left fork onto "US-287 North" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

    11."US 287 North" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

    12.Continue to follow "US287 North" - follow for 104.9 miles

    13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 West" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

    14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 East" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

    15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

    16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

    17.Arrive at the centre of town.

    please scroll down

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    Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!

    SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .

  • Plastered.

    A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

  • What Men Really Mean

    "Will you marry me?"
    Really means ... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

    "Go ask your mother."
    Really means ... "I am incapable of making a decision."

    "You know how bad my memory is."
    Really means ... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." *g*

    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    Really means ... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "Football is a man's game."
    Really means ... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    Really means ... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

    "I do help around the house."
    Really means ... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
    Really means ... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I can't find it."
    Really means ... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "What did I do this time?"
    Really means ... "What did you catch me at?"

    "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
    Really means ... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

    "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    Really means ... "She refused to make my coffee."

    "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
    Really means ... "You may actually get it to start."

    "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
    Really means ... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

    "I heard you."
    Really means ... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

    "You know I could never love anyone else."
    Really means ... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse with anyone else."

    "You look terrific."
    Really means ... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

    "I brought you a present."
    Really means ... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

    "I missed you."
    Really means ... "Our time apart wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
    Really means ... "No one will ever see us alive again."

    "We share the housework."
    Really means ... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

    "This relationship is getting too serious."
    Really means ... "I like you more than my new car."

    "I recycle."
    Really means ... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
    Really means ... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

    "It sure snowed last night."
    Really means ... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

    "It's good beer."
    Really means ... "It was on sale."

    "I don't need to read the instructions."
    Really means ... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
    Really means ... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

    "I broke up with her."
    Really means ... "She dumped me."

    "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
    Really means ... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

  • Cut out the best man.

    A racing driver sent a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself and a pre-recorded speech to be best man at a wedding.

    Racing driver Andy Priaulx couldn't be there in person because he was racing in Brazil, reports the Daily Mirror.

    The cut-out stood next to the altar as Andy Richmond, 34, and Carlee Yates, 27, tied the knot in front of 100 guests.

    Carlee even took the cut-out for a dance after the ceremony.

    Andy, 32 - twice world touring car champion - had to drop out after unexpectedly being called to race in South America.

    The BMW ace hired a sign-maker to create the 6ft photograph of himself for the the wedding at Castle Cornet in Guernsey.

    And during the race in Brazil he wore a message on his crash helmet wishing the couple good luck.

    Nursery worker Carlee said: "It was brilliant. It was funny and emotional, a real tear-jerker. Andy pulled out all the stops. He was determined to be in two places at once."

  • Clerical Error

    Man, 102, invited to play afternoon

    A 102-year-old man in Belgium was invited to a play afternoon at a nursery school.

    Jules Verdonck's family were surprised to get the invitation from the school at De Zevensprong in Nijlen.

    The prep school had invited all local two-year-olds to a party to get to know each other, reports the Antwerp Gazette.

    In Belgium, children can go to a prep school from the age of two and a half.

    "We got all the addresses of the two year olds from the village administration," said headmaster Els Michiels.

    "But apparently something has gone wrong. Someone sent us a message and told us Jules Verdonck couldn't attend the party because of his age.

    "They enclosed his picture and that made us realise that Jules wasn't just two but 102 years old."

  • The Dream

    A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".

  • Two Lawyers

    Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their food.

    Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

    One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

    The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind."

    But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blond woman, face up and totally unconscious.

    The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive.

    One said the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ......you know, ... screw her?"

    The second lawyer, asked, "Out of What?"

  • End of contract

    I've been told that my contract isn't going to be extended by three months and so I finish work on Friday. Since I only do a half day anyhow on Fridays I'll be going straightaway to the jobcentre to make an appointment to claim Income Support.

    I've got mixed feelings about being unemployed again; I am aware of the advantages though - I'll be able to spend more time with V..., the good weather's approaching and so I'll also be able to go walking with my brother.

  • Will you be watching this TV programme later this month?

    A hands on job ... saving the elephant

    A jumbo tusk for scientists

    By DEREK ROBINS
    March 08, 2007

    MASTURBATING an elephant in the cause of science isn’t an easy job – just ask wildlife expert Dr Thomas Hildebrandt.

    Just touching a jumbo penis – they measure more than 1.5metres when aroused – can have painful consequences as German scientist Dr Hildebrandt reveals.

    He said: “One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis.

    “When you touch an elephant there it starts to flick backwards and forwards and it’s so strong it can knock you off your feet. It’s such a strong movement.”

    Dr Hildebrandt, a world expert on elephant and rhino reproduction demonstrates how it should be done in BBC2’s Horizon: The Elephant’s Guide To Sex screened on March 20.

    His mission is to help endangered species get into the mood for love and give them a hand - quite literally – to boost their dwindling populations.

    In the programme, he bids to help elephants Jackson and Christy – who lives in US zoos 1,200 miles apart – to produce a baby.

    It’s a messy business as he massages Jackson’s prostate gland to produce 300ml of semen per orgasm – the equivalent of a can of Coke – which has to be airlifted in giant condoms across America to Christy.

    Artificially inseminating an elephant is just as messy – while a catheter is inserted into the cervix, the hapless scientist faces being pooed on.

    All the mess is worth it to Dr Hildebrandt who said: “Lots of mammals are facing extinction and artificial insemination is very helpful in saving species.

    “Man has created this annihilation of species; it’s up to man to use his ingenuity to save them.”

    The programme will also look at the problem of getting semen from a sedated rare northern white rhino and viewers will meet killer whale Shamu who is only too happy to provide sperm samples in the name of science when his trainer shows him a special collection bag.

    Horizon: The Elephant’s Guide To Sex, BBC2, March 20, 9pm.

  • There's a reason for everything in nature.

    Survival of the Sickest

    By Sharon Moalem

    William Morrow, 267pp, $32.99

    WHY do we get sick? Why do some of us contract hideous diseases that condemn us to misery and shorten our lives? Why are there gruesome inflictions on humanity such as diabetes, sickle-cell anaemia and cystic fibrosis?

    If Charles Darwin was right, and all but a radical fringe of creationists believe he was, it follows that evolution should have led to the survival of the fittest. Ergo, after millenniums of evolution, we should all be robust, disease-free human beings, slim and gorgeous, healthy and happy, power-walking effortlessly to work and living until we're 100. Surely we would have bred out those unfortunate people among us susceptible to diseases, and the men and women left behind would be hearty and resistant.

    Sharon Moalem claims to have the answer and he details it with great wit and style. These diseases are there, he says, because way back in mankind's evolution they protected our ancestors from premature death, enabling them to live just long enough to procreate.

    Moalem isn't the first to posit this thesis. A decade ago, Randolph Nesse and George Williams introduced the revolutionary science of Darwinian medicine, but Moalem brings it to a wider lay audience with his eminently readable and confronting book.

    So how is it that today's curses were yesterday's blessings, saving ancestral man from an early environmental death? Today we see diabetes as a disease that is increasingly prevalent in the affluent West, with younger, fatter and more sedentary people suffering its ravages. According to the World Health Organisation, more than 170 million people have diabetes and the number is expected to double by2030.

    Yet Moalem says it appeared as a response to the onset of the Ice Age: 13,000 years ago there was a population explosion in northern Europe, where mild temperatures made the land fertile. But a sudden snap freezing, with icebergs in the waters off Spain, caused severe survival problems. Hundreds of thousands froze to death and the population went into severe decline, yet some survived, partly through social adaptation and partly because they had a superior ability to withstand cold.

    In very cold weather, we shiver, blood flows away from our skin and we urinate a lot. This loss of water concentrates the blood and, in people with the correct genetic disposition, drives up sugar levels to prevent freezing. In an ice age, this natural anti-freeze prevents death, enabling people to live to an age when they can reproduce and continue the species.

    In a warm climate such as ours, it leads to diabetes, but that's an unfortunate side effect: nature has done its work and enabled the anti-frozen couple to produce children.

    Moalem uses this type of brazen thinking, backed by solid scientific research, to explain other problems with which humanity has to deal as a result of our evolution from wandering hunter-gatherer to agricultural villager and the long-lived city dweller we've become, people whom nature never intended to live to such oldages. He even explains some anomalies of the Black Death in the 14th century, in which healthy adult men and women were likelier to succumb to the plague than malnourished children, the elderly and pregnant women. It was all due to an evolutionary excess of iron in the blood, a condition known as haemochromatosis.

    According to Moalem: "Your genes are the evolutionary legacy of every organism that came before you, beginning with your parents and winding all the way back to the very beginning. Somewhere in your genetic code is the tale of every plague, every predator, every parasite and every planetary upheaval your ancestors managed to survive."

    Moalem, who holds a doctorate in neurogenetics, is a confronting and original medical thinker, posing and then answering questions rarely tackled by the traditional medical establishment. Because his entire approach is so solidly grounded in scientific research, perhaps it's time the medical fraternity took notice of our past, as well as our present and our future.

  • Genuine Odd Book Titles - On a BBC Website which invites viewers/listeners to submit their own suggested first paragraph.

    - How Green Were the Nazis?

    - The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

    -Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan

    - Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium

    - Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence

    Here are some suggestions sent in by Today Listeners

    - 'Sodonmy and the Pirate Tradition' by B.R.Burg published by New York University Press in 1984.
    suggested by Paul

    - 'Truncheons: Their romance and reality' by Erland Fenn Clark, Herbert Jenkins Press, 1935.
    suggested by Robin

    - 'Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying'
    suggested by Terry

    - 'Listening to the Silences'
    suggested by Roy C. Vincent

    - 'A token for children: being an exact account of the conversion, holy and exemplary lives, and joyful deaths of several young children. To which is now added prayers and graces, fitted for the use of little children' by James Janeways in 1709
    suggested by Rebecca Probert

    -'The Negative Dialectics of Poodle Play' By Ben Watson
    suggested by Nigel Bell

  • The Birds and the Bees

    A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears.

    "Promise you won't tell me."

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    "Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the there's no Santa speech. At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

  • Drunk at the office party

    A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

    "You got in an argument with your boss."

    "Well, piss on him!" said the man.

    "You did. He fired you." said the wife.

    "Well, screw him!" said the guy.

    "I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."

  • The Ungrateful Wife

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

    And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

    "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

    And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

    The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

  • Star Trek memorial for Scotland

    I'm a Star Trek fan myself; I always enjoy watching repeats of the original series. 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' is my favourite of the franchises though.

    A Scottish town is to set up a Star Trek memorial to celebrate its claim to the fictional birthplace of Scotty the engineer.

    Ironically, the scheme - at Linlithgow - has been given the go-ahead by West Lothian's "enterprise committee".

    Scotty, aka Montgomery Scott, played by Canadian-born actor James Doohan, is the chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise.

    The £10,000 tribute will feature Doohan's original Star Trek costume, personal items donated by his family and a scale model of the famous spaceship.

    Committee convener, Coun Willie Dunn, said: "We have made contact with Dorothy C Fontana, who wrote many of the original Star Trek episodes.

    "She has confirmed the reference in one of her books about Linlithgow being Montgomery Scott's birthplace.

    "Following James Doohan's death, we contacted his family and they are supporting our plans for a Star Trek exhibition at Linlithgow.

    "It will be staged in Annet House Museum, which highlights the history of Linlithgow. Now it will also look into the future with our Star Trek display area."

    He added: "The loyalty and dedication of Star Trek fans is quite exceptional.

    "We believe our Star Trek exhibition will attract more visitors to Linlithgow and West Lothian. Niche tourism is a major growth area."

  • The Pope and the Queen

    I know this is really silly; but it made me laugh.

    THE POPE & THE QUEEN

    One day the Pope and the Queen of England were sitting in a balcony dicussing their power over their people. The Queen tells the Pope, "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope. The Queen then stood up, raises her hands in the air, and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand. The Queen then sat back down and looked at the Pope to see what he had to say.

    The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then said to the Queen, with great confidence, "With a movement of MY hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children, their children's children, and so on." "I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen. So the Pope stood up, moved over towards the Queen and slapped her.

  • The Typewriter

    A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

  • The Wedding

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

  • The red carpet treatment

    I've not seen this before.

    Earlier in the week, I'd noticed that the contractors who had dug up the street in several places so that they could replace the water mains had returned to repair the road surface by levelling it off with tarmac...so I thought they'd now finished the job: but no, they were back and as it was getting dark yesterday they seemed to be applying heat treatment to some sticky red substance they had placed over the repairs. This morning, on my way to the shops I had a look at what they'd been doing; and it looks like pieces of high quality red carpet are now covering all of the recently tarmacked areas.

  • Aunty Sharon

    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

    "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

    "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

  • Woman swallowed lover's false teeth

    A Romanian woman needed medical help after she swallowed her lover's false teeth during a moment of passion.

    The 38-year-old woman, from Galati, went to hospital with stomach pains claiming she had swallowed a foreign object but without saying what it was.

    Doctors were surprised when the x-ray showed false teeth in her stomach.

    Eventually she admitted she gulped down the denture while experimenting a 'special type of passionate kiss' with her boyfriend.

    After spending two days in hospital, the foreign object left the woman's body the natural way.

  • Don't put sand on the beach

    A Blackpool pensioner has been threatened with legal action if he puts sand which blew into his garden back on the beach.

    Council officials threatened to prosecute Arthur Bulmer, 79, who lives opposite the beach in St Anne's, Lancs, for fly-tipping.

    And if found guilty he could be fined £50,000 or even go to jail, reports the Mirror.

    Storms left gardens, roads and footpaths in St Anne's covered in tons of sand up to 20ft deep.

    Mr Bulmer said: "I think it's crazy. I am sure my sand is cleaner than the stuff on the beach because that gets covered in dog muck. The sand is not my property. It has just invaded my garden from over the road."

    The civic-minded pensioner said he was just trying to do what is right for the environment and save the council a job.

    He added: "Now I will have to use a specialist waste disposal firm and that will cost £500."

    Fylde borough council said: "The council has no responsibility to clear sand from private land, the owner must do this. However, dumping anything from your garden on to the beach constitutes fly-tipping."

  • Find Our Poodle

    Strippers in Italy are offering a year's free entry to their show for anyone who finds their missing poodle.

    The girls, who work at the Gilda 2 sex shop and strip club in Viareggio, made the offer as soon as their pampered poodle Gianni went missing.

    One of the strippers said: "Since we made the offer we have had lots of responses, but so far none of the dogs we have been shown have turned out to be our little Gianni."

  • Teenagers make ostrich impotent

    Three teenagers may be on the hook for a hefty fine if a court decides that their festive firecrackers outside an eastern German farm scared the libido right out of an ostrich named Gustav.

    Rico Gabel, a farmer in Lohsa, northeast of Dresden, is claiming $6,450 in damages for the alleged antics of the three youths, ages 17-18, between Dec. 27 and 29, 2005.

    According to his lawsuit, the farmer claims that fireworks set off by the boys made the previously lustful Gustav both apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform for a half-a-year with his two female breeding partners.

    Before Gustav regained his sex drive in the second half of the year, the farmer estimates he lost out on 14 ostrich offspring _ worth $460 apiece.

    The suit is due to be heard next Monday in a regional court in nearby Bautzen, the court said Monday. The teenagers' names were not released.

  • Top Ten Reasons To Become A Nurse

    10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)

    9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

    8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.

    7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

    6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

    5. Interesting aromas.

    4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

    2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.

    1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

  • 'The Great Global Warming Swindle'

    This is the title of a documentary that I'll be watching tonight (ch4 - 9.pm). I've always been very sceptical about the concept of global warming/climate change: is it really happening, and, if so, is it caused by human activities?

    This is the preview in my TV guide:

    Are carbon dioxide emissions caused by human activities really heating up the Earth, or could there be another explanation? This film challenges the consensus on global warming, with scientists arguing that the Earth's climate has always been changing, and that the effect of the sun's radiation may be to blame.

    I can remember when I was at school in the 1970s everyone was worried about the approaching Ice Age...how soon things change.

  • SiteMeter Not Working

    My SiteMeter account hasn't been registering any visitor stats since eleven o'clock yesterday. According to the onsite blog this is because the server where my stats are kept is offline, and might need replacing and so it could be up to another day until I'm able to view my details. The stats won't be lost; but I obviously can't view them at the moment.

    My StatCounter account is still working though.

  • An Extra Sixty Minutes Today

    I was able to leave work an hour early today; everyone else was leaving and so I was told that I might as well leave. I'm not going to feel guilty about it; I always arrive half an hour early because of the timings of the buses, and it's my final week next week anyhow.

    I've used the extra time to go shopping at Tesco's and visit the bank to transfer some of my wages into my savings account.

  • Well; his team did win in the Champions' League last night

    Magistrates ban Man Utd

    A Bulgarian football fan is celebrating a partial victory in his legal battle to change his name to Manchester United.

    Marin Levidzhev, from Veliko Tarnovo, is now legally allowed to call himself Manchester Levidzhev after a two year court case.

    But local magistrates said his ardent support of the club was not enough reason to change his surname to United.

    Mr Levidzhev said he would take the case to a higher court.

    "I feel as if I am only at the half-time break. I won't feel right until I get all my name changed to Manchester United," he said.

    "I love the club. It's my whole life and I want my name to reflect that."

  • This dog has a college degree

    FOSTORIA, Ohio - An attorney challenging the authority of the city’s police chief wants the department’s police dog to appear in court as an exhibit, because he says the dog and the chief have criminal justice degrees from the same online school.

    The issue gives “one pause, if not paws, for concern” about what it takes to get the degrees from the school based in the Virgin Islands, Gene Murray wrote in a court document filed Monday.

    Murray is seeking to have a drug charge against a client dismissed by arguing that police Chief John McGuire — who is accused of lying on his job application — was not legally employed and had no authority as an officer.

    McGuire is to go on trial in March on charges of falsification and tampering with records. A special prosecutor said McGuire lied on his application and resume about his rank, position, duties, responsibilities and salary in three of his previous jobs.

    McGuire was hired as chief of this northwest Ohio city a year ago.

    The union that represents Fostoria police officers and dispatchers filed a lawsuit challenging McGuire’s hiring.

    Murray said asking that the police dog, Rocko, show up in court at an evidence hearing is a key to discrediting McGuire, who took part in a traffic stop and search in October that resulted in drug possession charges against Clifford Green of Fostoria.

    ‘The whole thing is bizarre’
    Both McGuire and Rocko, who is listed as John I. Rocko on his diploma, are graduates of Concordia College and University, according to copies of diplomas that are part of Murray’s motion.

    The court filing did not say how the attorney knows that diploma is for the dog or how Rocko allegedly managed to enroll in the college.

    “My client had absolutely nothing to do with any animal getting a degree from an institution of higher learning,” said McGuire’s attorney, Dean Henry. “The whole thing is bizarre.”

    He said the dog was with the department before McGuire began working there.

    Seneca County Prosecutor Ken Egbert said he will ask the judge to deny the request and limit the hearing to matters that are relevant.

    “I don’t think it’s necessary to bring the actual dog,” Egbert said.

    A date has not been set for the evidence hearing.

    City leaders have said McGuire’s hiring was not influenced by his college degree, and any confusion about his background was resolved during interviews.

    “We’ve already been through all that,” Safety Service Director Bill Rains. “That was answered to our satisfaction.”

    Fostoria is about 35 miles southeast of Toledo.

  • Saved by the cavalry.

    A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

    "Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

    According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.

    "Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

    The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

    The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

    Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

    Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

    "I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

    Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

    "I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said.

    Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

    Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

  • Women in charge of everything.

    (Women In Charge Of Everything)
    is proud to announce the opening of its
    EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
    OPEN TO MEN ONLY
    ALL ARE WELCOME

    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE;
    DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
    OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place
    instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
    Open forum

    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
    DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH;
    BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
    AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS;
    BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
    YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
    & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT;
    LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counsellors available

  • Sad, but true.

    1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

    2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle get synchronised with that of a complete stranger.

    4) You've never quite sure whether its OK to eat green crisps.

    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

    9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic toy figurines assume intercourse positions is almost impossible to resist.

    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a flat ball.

    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to accidentally call your teacher mum or dad.

    18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

    22) It's impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee.

    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    24) You never ever run out of salt.

    25) Elderly ladies can eat more than you think.

    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

    28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

    29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm (or neck) broken by a swan.

    30) The most painful common household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

    31) People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

    36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

  • The food on our plates

    Egg-laying cows?

    One in 10 eight-year-olds do not realise pork chops come from pigs - and some even believe cows lay eggs.

    A new survey also reveals nearly two out of 10 children had no idea where yoghurt came from.

    And eight per cent of city youngsters did not realise beefburgers came from cows - compared to 3% who live in the country.

    Two per cent of urban kids thought cows produced eggs. But all children knew milk came from cows.

    The Dairy Farmers of Britain asked more than 1,000 children aged eight to 15 where they thought eggs, cheese, yoghurt, bacon, pork chops and beefburgers came from.

    A spokesman said: "A significant proportion, particularly those living in the city, are unaware of the process involved in making their food."

  • Easy Training Courses For Women

    1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

    2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

    3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

    4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

    5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

    6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

    7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

    8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

    9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

    10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

    11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

    12. Introduction to Parking

    13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

    14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

    15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

    16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

    17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

    18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

    19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

    20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

    21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

    22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

    23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

    24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

    25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

  • 'The Individual and Societal Effects of Long-Term Unemployment'

    This is the title of a PowerPoint presentation I'll be giving later this morning at work as part of my Further Key Skills Level 3 course.

    I don't give a toss about the qualification; but it will give me a good excuse to have a rant about something which I know a lot about. It needs to be at least eight minutes long; I think it will last quite a bit longer than that though.

  • The cameraman joke

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
    father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
    arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
    here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
    photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
    babies"
    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

    After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
    couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
    fun too; you can really spread out!"
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
    try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
    angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
    "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
    and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
    "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
    baby pictures.
    "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
    "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with"
    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
    done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
    a good look"
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
    mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
    Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
    squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
    um......equipment?"
    "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
    can get to work."
    "Tripod?????"
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
    me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
    fainted!!"

  • Cowboy Boots

    An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas . Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
    Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'

    Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
    Walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

    Ester looks up and says,

    'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

    Furious, Rusty yells,

    'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'

    'Nope,' she replies.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
    BOOTS!!!!!'

    To which Ester replies...
    'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.'

  • For the man who has everything

    Beer launching fridge

    A US inventor has come up with a fridge that throws cold cans of beer to lazy drinkers.

    John Cornwell spent £1,500 creating the Beer Launching Fridge, reports the Mirror.

    And his invention is attracting lots of interest since videos of it in action were posted on www.metacafe.com.

    The fridge is activated by a remote control which sets off a lift mechanism in the fridge.

    The lift delivers the can to an electronic catapult, which rotates until it is lined up with its thirsty target.

    It then hurls the beer up to 10ft to the drinker. It can hold a full 24-can crate - 10 beers in its magazine and 14 more in reserve.

    John, 22, who has just graduated from university in North Carolina, said: "The idea was conceived when I was sitting on the sofa having a few beers.

    "I thought, 'What if instead of me going to get the beer, the beer came to me?'

    "About three months later I have a fully automated, remote-controlled, catapulting, beer-launching mini-fridge.

    "There is a slight danger of being hit in the head with a flying can but this danger decreases the more you use it."

  • Just answering the question.

    A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

  • Complaint letter of the year.

    A genuine letter from a few years ago.

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
    rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

    I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

    John

  • Politically correct descriptions for men.

    1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
    STORAGE FACILITY.

    2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

    3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
    RELATIONSHIPS.

    6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
    HORIZONTAL.

    7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
    RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

    8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

    9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

  • Why wasn't an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council convened to discuss this blatant act of aggression?

    ZURICH, Switzerland - What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

    According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers from the neutral country wandered 2 kilometers (more than a mile) across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

    A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story, but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

  • Watching the Sky

    The skies in Doncaster were clear last night and I managed to observe the lunar eclipse for about twenty minutes as I was coming back from my friend's house; arriving home at about 10:30. I then watched the final few minutes until totality from my attic bedroom window.

    I was rather disappointed with the spectacle; all that happened was that the moon gradually got smaller and then when totality arrived suddenly the whole of the moon appeared again; but quite faint in the sky. Where was the blood red moon that we were promised?

    One thing I did discover last night though was that I need to wear my glasses more often.

  • Police? Help, someone's refurbished my flat!

    A German man returned from a weekend away to find his flat had been broken into and completely refurbished.

    Astonished Gunther Hagler, 45, called the police after arriving home to find his flat in Frankfurt had been renovated.

    Even his fridge had been replaced, the walls given a fresh coat of paint, windows cleaned and new furniture installed.

    Yet nothing had been stolen, even the food from the old fridge had been placed in the new one.

    Police solved the mystery when they called the landlord to find if anyone else had a key, and discovered he had ordered a complete renovation of the flat next door - but handed over the wrong key.

  • A True Story

    The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

  • Beer bounty for cane toads

    TOM Hedley, Australia's biggest private hotel owner and one of Queensland's richest men, has thrown his support behind plans to introduce a beer-for-a-bag-of-toads bounty. KEN Ritchie never thought he'd see the day a cane toad would be worth its weight in beer, let alone two.

    "Hell, I'll give them two beers," said Mr Hedley, who also owns and drinks at his favourite watering hole the Red Beret.

    Latest estimates are that there are between 100 and 200 million cane toads in Australia, which means at the standard Queensland "pot" glass size of 285mls, it would take 57 million litres of free beer to wipe out pest - at two toads a bag. But Mr Hedley thinks it will be money well spent.

    "As far as I am concerned they're pests and a nuisance to society," said Mr Hedley.

    "If offering a beer for a bag of toads is one way to wipe them out once and for all then I am all for it," he said.

    The RSPCA welcomed the multi-millionaire's backing, saying the proposal could be modelled on a similar beer-for-a-toad bounty run in the Northern Territory.

    "How it worked in Darwin is they brought in the toads to the RSPCA to be humanely euthanised and they were then issued a voucher to get a beer – with a daily limit on the number of beers," said RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty.

    "It could be more than a gimmick. It could seriously help reduce the toad population, especially

  • Cynical marketing, I suppose.

    I was walking by one of the card shops in town and popped in to buy a Mothers' day card (I'm not sure when Mothers' Day actually is yet though.)

    Inside the shop I noticed that many of the cards had variations on the wording 'Happy Mothers' Day to my wife.' Why? Your wife isn't your mother.

  • Cut Up

    Dropped footballer ploughs up pitch

    A Serbian football player ploughed up his club's pitch with a tractor in revenge for being dropped from the team.

    Midfielder Slavomir Milnovic, 25, was furious when he found he'd been dropped from local amateur side FC Mramor, near Nis in southern Serbia.

    He took a tractor from his family's farm and churned up the pitch so no one else could play.

    Milnovic was arrested and charged with damaging private property after people living nearby heard the tractor and called police.

  • Jesus versus Elvis

    1. Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39).
    Elvis said, "Don't Be Cruel" (RCA, 1956).

    2. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
    Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

    3. Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
    Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

    4. Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone" (Matthew 4:4).
    Elvis loved his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

    5. "Then they took up stones to cast at [Jesus]" (John 8:59).
    Elvis was often stoned.

    6. Jesus was the Lamb of God.
    Elvis had mutton chops.

    7. Jesus was part of a Trinity.
    Elvis' first band was a trio.

    8. Jesus walked on water (Matthew 14:25).
    Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965).

    9. Jesus was a carpenter.
    Elvis majored in woodshop/industrial arts in high school.

    10. Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
    Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

    11. Jesus wore the crown of thorns.
    Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

    12. Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
    Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

    13. Jesus as wine (sacramental wine).
    Elvis as wine (Always Elvis wine by Frantenac).

    14. A major woman in Jesus' life (Mary) had an immaculate conception.
    A major woman in Elvis' life (Priscilla) went to Immaculate Conception
    high school.

    15. Jesus was resurrected.
    Elvis had the famous comeback special in 1968.

    16. Son of God.
    Sun Studios.

    17. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink" (John7:37).
    Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957).

    18. Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
    Elvis had irregular eating habits (e.g., five banana splits for breakfast).

    19. Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec. 25).
    Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan. 8).

    20. Jesus biography by Matthew (Gospel according to Matthew).
    Elvis biography by Neal Matthews (Elvis: A Golden Tribute).

    21. "[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow"
    (Matthew 28:3).
    Elvis' trademarks were a lightning bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.

    22. Jesus was Jewish.
    Elvis was part Jewish (from his maternal great-grandmother, Martha Tackett
    Mansell).

    23. Jesus' purple robe.
    Elvis' pink Cadillac.

    24. Jesus' father is everywhere.
    Elvis' father, Vernon, was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.

    25. Doubting Thomas.
    "Suspicious Minds."

  • Bin Wars

    When I got in from work last night and went out into the alleyway to collect my bin I thought the binmen hadn't emptied it because it still seemed quite heavy. When I looked inside I noticed that it had been refilled by someone; I removed the old satellite dish that was in there, but have left the large bag of rotting kitchen waste where it is.

    Doncaster Council's system of only emptying the bins fortnightly isn't working at all...it's now starting to cause a lot of arguments among neighbours and it's only a matter of time until it turns violent somewhere.

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