Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means ... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means ... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means ... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." *g*

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means ... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means ... "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means ... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means ... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means ... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means ... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means ... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means ... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means ... "She refused to make my coffee."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means ... "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means ... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means ... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means ... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse with anyone else."

"You look terrific."
Really means ... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means ... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means ... "Our time apart wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means ... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means ... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means ... "I like you more than my new car."

"I recycle."
Really means ... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means ... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means ... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means ... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means ... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means ... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means ... "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means ... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

A racing driver sent a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself and a pre-recorded speech to be best man at a wedding.

Racing driver Andy Priaulx couldn't be there in person because he was racing in Brazil, reports the Daily Mirror.

The cut-out stood next to the altar as Andy Richmond, 34, and Carlee Yates, 27, tied the knot in front of 100 guests.

Carlee even took the cut-out for a dance after the ceremony.

Andy, 32 - twice world touring car champion - had to drop out after unexpectedly being called to race in South America.

The BMW ace hired a sign-maker to create the 6ft photograph of himself for the the wedding at Castle Cornet in Guernsey.

And during the race in Brazil he wore a message on his crash helmet wishing the couple good luck.

Nursery worker Carlee said: "It was brilliant. It was funny and emotional, a real tear-jerker. Andy pulled out all the stops. He was determined to be in two places at once."