Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?," inquired Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?
Completing a romantic act and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

'Surgeon stole my bum'

A German belly dancer has been awarded £12,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks.

Julia 'Cleopatra' Meyer, 38, from Munich, wanted slimmer thighs and instead ended up with half her bum missing.

The court heard that during the liposuction the plastic surgeon, not named, from a private clinic, had removed fat from her right buttock instead of her thighs.

She said: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing.

"When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away."

A consultant at the Berlin Charité hospital asked for an expert opinion said it was a "grave error in treatment".

The court heard the woman can no longer perform. She does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks.

The surgeon has been ordered to pay her £12,000 - twice the £6,000 she had been seeking.