Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Drunk posted himself

A German man has been arrested after he climbed into an emergency postbox for unwanted babies while drunk.

Heinrich Mueller, 28, slid down the chute and ended up in an emergency incubator, triggering alarms among medical staff.

But instead of another unwanted newborn baby, they found Mueller smoking a cigarette.

He then fell asleep as staff worked out how to get him out of the incubator at the hospital in Dortmund.

Hundreds of babies have been deposited in the boxes set up across Germany and Austria since the scheme started five years ago.

It came into effect after more and more young mums unable to cope with their newborns had been abandoning them on the street. The baby boxes offered a safe 'no questions asked' alternative.

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

A TV extra has proudly told how he landed the job of body double for John Prescott's backside.

Michael Knott, 54, bared his bottom for a racy scene in Confessions of a Diary Secretary - based on the Deputy PM's fling with an aide.

The 17st extra got the role because John Henshaw, who played Prescott, has a scarred bum from a car crash.

So it was his bottom that ITV viewers saw when Prezza romped on a desk with secretary Tracey Temple, played by Shameless star Maxine Peake.

Michael believes he was the ideal candidate and said: "I'm a bit of a fatty but my bum's pretty pert.

"It's quite smooth and not hairy or pimply. I look after it by giving it a dusting of talc each night.

"I look after myself too. I've a gym at home and work out a bit. That's why my bottom's pert. But if I dieted my parts would dry up, pardon the expression."

Michael, of Littlehampton, West Sussex, got £191 for his day's work on the political drama.

He has previously had minor roles in Bend It Like Beckham, Snatch and has an upcoming part as a corpse in The Bill.

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

At the moment I'm aching all over and every one of my joints is stiff, but I'm feeling quite contented.

I've spend quite a few hours of the last two days at the stables with a couple of friends who own horses. I don't really like horses, but I've run out of excuses for not visiting.

As to be expected they took their horses out for some exercise, and I tagged along on foot. Like a fool though, whenever they started to trot I started jogging to try and keep up. I soon ended up a long way behind though; however, when they reached woodland or a road they had to slow down and I could catch up.