Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

Flight maps misplace Stansted

Maps used by British Airways show Stansted Airport 40 miles out of position in a tiny Kent village with the same name.

The airline's in-flight skymaps appear to show the UK's third busiest airport in the rural parish of Stansted, in the Tonbridge and Malling district of Kent, reports Sky News.

It's actual location is miles away in Essex.

The error is reported to affect the airline's 67-strong Airbus fleet but the problem has not been replicated on pilots' navigation systems.

A BA spokesman said: "What we need to find out is whether whoever was responsible for the maps intended for a little village with a population of 200 to be highlighted as the airport. Probably not.

"It would seem odd that a little village has been highlighted. It's a reasonable assumption to make that they thought it was Stansted Airport but clearly we will have to check this."

BA would have to install new software to correct the position on its maps.

But confusion between the Kent village and Stansted Airport is nothing new, according to villagers.

Anne Roberts, landlady of the Black Horse Inn, said: "It doesn't surprise me that this has happened because we are always getting confused with Stansted in Essex.

"We sometimes get big articulated lorries with cargo for Stansted Airport driving around the village."

Yorkshire on Film and TV

Yorkshire locations for film and TV

A Private Function
Ben Rhydding, Ilkley

A Chorus of Disapproval
Scarborough

A Sense of the Past
Hyde Park Cinema, Leeds

A Woman of Substance
Brimham Rocks/Richmond

A Great Day Out (Alan Bennett)
Halifax

Agatha
Harrogate, Old Swan Hotel

Ain't Misbehavin'
BBC, Harrogate

All Creatures Great and Small
Locations in Wensleydale, Swaledale, Arkengarthdale

Band of Gold
Bradford

Billy Liar
Bradford and Baildon

Body and Soul
Bradford

Brideshead Revisited
Castle Howard, near York

Carrington
Robin Hoods Bay, North Yorkshire Moors Railway and the Dales

Calendar Girls
Kettlewell, Upper Wharfedale

Chariots of Fire
Crown Place, Crescent Gardens, Harrogate

Crinkley House
Askrigg

Darling Buds of May
David Copperfield
Robin Hoods Bay

Dracula
Temple Newsam House, Leeds, also Whitby

Emmerdale
Arncliffe, Esholt, Otley, Harewood

Escape from the Dark
Ripley Castle,Harrogate

Foxy Lady
Hebden Bridge

Harry's Game
Various city centre locations - Leeds

Heartbeat
Goathland, North Yorkshire

How We Used to Live
Armley Mills Industrial Museum, Leeds

In Loving Memory
Luddenden, Halifax and surrounding area

Jane Eyre
Keighley, Ripley Castle and Blubberhouses Moor

Jimmy's (YTV documentary programme)
St James' University Hospital, Leeds

Juliet Bravo
Todmorden, Widdop Moor

Kes
Barnsley

Last of the Summer Wine
Holmfirth, Colne and Holme Valleys

Life of Charles Dickens
Armley Mills

Life and Times of Henry Pratt
Todmorden

Mr Wroe's Virgins
Heptonstall

My Brother Jonathan
Hyde Park Cinema, Leeds

Oh no it's Selwyn Froggitt
Skelmanthorpe, Clavton West

Only Fools and Horses (To Hull & Back)
City Varieties, Leeds

Open All Hours
Balby, Doncaster

PC Penrose (Rosie)
Rossington, Doncaster and Scarborough

Raffles
Bramham Park near Wetherby

Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves
Aysgarth Falls, Hardraw Force

Room at the Top
Calderdale

Seaforth
Beeston, Hebden Bridge, Killingbeck, Harewood House, Saltburn, Bradford, Harrogate and Leeds

Secret Garden
Fountains Hall and Allerton Park, Harrogate

See you at Wembley (Frankie Walsh)
Hull and Burton Agnes

Sharpe
Hardcastle Crags, Hebden Bridge and East Riddlesden Hall, Keighley

Sherlock Holmes
Lotherton Hall, Leeds, and Allerton Park

Song of Experience
Keighley and Worth Valley Railway, Hyde Park Picture House

Stay Lucky
Sowerby Bridge and around Leeds/Liverpool canal basin in Leeds

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
The Dons RL Football Ground, Tattersfield, Doncaster
[now demolished]

The Beiderbecke Affair
In and around Leeds and Wakefield

The Citadel
Hebden Bridge

The Full Monty
Sheffield

The Good Old Days
City Varieties, Leeds

The Waterbabies
Denton Hall, Ilkley and countryside around

The Railway Children
Keighley and Worth Valley Railway

The Sporting Life
Wakefield

The Final Conflict
Fountains Abbey

The Dresser
Alhambra Theatre, Bradford and Halifax

Touch of Frost
Leeds city centre and suburbs, Dewsbury, Thackley near Bradford

Wuthering Heights 1939,1993
Keighley, Grassington, Hubberholme and Arncliffe

Yanks
Keighley

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Cop raid over shuttlecock

A policeman was sent to a couple's house to investigate the case of a missing shuttlecock.

Rachel and Jon Palmer were stunned when the cop knocked on their door and told them they were suspected of stealing it, reports The Sun.

The drama started when two 13-year-old girls lost the shuttlecock while playing in their garden in Soham, Cambridgeshire.

They asked neighbour Rachel, 25, to look for it and she searched her own garden without success.

She said: "I told them if I stumbled across it I'd throw it over the fence to them.

"Later on they came back and asked Jon if it was in the garden. He had another look and he couldn't find it either. But at 8pm that night a police officer knocked on the door, which woke up the children."

Rachel added: "When I saw a policeman standing there I was terrified something awful had happened.

"When he told me he was investigating a missing shuttlecock I thought Jeremy Beadle would jump out from behind him.

"He said he'd been told I was refusing to give back a shuttlecock. I couldn't believe what he was saying. He was quite off-hand. In the end Jon asked him to leave and he did."

A Cambridgeshire police spokeswoman said: "We did receive a call in relation to this incident but no formal complaint was made. The officer in question has been spoken to."

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

Collection of Peter Kay Funny sayings and quotes. From stand up comedian performances and TV series
Some Peter Kay sayings

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

Thousands of rich Japanese women were conned into believing lambs were valuable miniature poodles.

Flocks were imported from the UK and Australia to be sold by an internet company as the latest "must have" pet.

The scam was rumbled when movie star Maiko Kawakami complained on a talk show that her new poodle refused to bark or eat dog food.

She showed photos of the animal and was devastated when told that it was a lamb, reports the Sun.

Hundreds of women contacted police to say that they had also been sold lambs instead of pedigree pups by the con artists based in Sapporo.

One couple found out the truth only after a dog beautician told them she could not trim their poodle's claws - because they were hooves.

The company, whose name translated as Poodles As Pets, has now been shut down.

Bosses took advantage of the fact sheep are rare in Japan and most people do not know what they look like.

They advertised poodles online for £630 - half the price of the highly-desired puppies in Japan at £1,260.

A police spokesman said: "We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company were selling sheep as poodles."

I've noticed that two or three bloggers have been mentioning that they felt the earth move this morning. Obviously I didn't feel anything here in Doncaster, but I did experience two minor earth tremors when I was living at my previous address. I was just lying on the bed watching TV at the time and was vaguely aware of some strange vibration; I suppose most people wouldn't have noticed it whilst they were going about their daily business. Apparently things were shaken off walls and shelves, and cracks appeared in the plasterwork earlier today - I've certainly not experienced anything like that.

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

'No dole, you're dead!'

An unemployed German mechanic has been told his dole money has been stopped because he's dead.

The news came as a surprise to Wolfgang Berlt, 59, from the Saxony region, who had contacted social services to find out why his benefits had been stopped.

Mr Berlt said: "My wife got a letter from social services explaining why they were not paying me. Neither of us could believe it.

"But they were a bit surprised at the benefits office when I rang them up and said: "Hello, I'm dead, but I'd like my benefits back please".

"We've had the letter framed now though and we pull it out to look at it every time we feel like a laugh."

A spokeswoman for the job centre said there had been a mix up after another jobless man with the same name died and they had apologised to Berlt.

Prague prefers goat to Freud

A plan to have a monument to Sigmund Freud has been turned down by locals in Prague who want to have a statue of a goat instead.

The monument will be erected in the area of the city known as Goat Square where there have been no goats for hundreds of years.

Freud was born in the Czech Republic but lost out to the goats after locals started a protest group called "The Friends of the Goat".

Spokesman Stanislav Penc said: "A Freud monument can be erected anywhere in the Czech Republic, a goat monument only on Goat Square."

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: YOU'VE GOT MALE!

I've just taken my first neoclarityn of the spring this morning, two or even three weeks later than I normally would. I noticed a few symptoms of hayfever yesterday while I was out walking with my brother, and this morning I woke up with a tickly throat and a runny nose.

Caffeinated soap has been launched to help people who don't have the time for both a shower and a coffee in the morning.

Manufacturers claim their Shower Shock soap releases caffeine that is absorbed into the user's system and provides the same hit as a two cups of coffee.

The soap is also infused with peppermint and citrus scents so the user doesn't end up smelling of coffee, reports the Guardian.

A shower gel is also on offer, although the makers, Think Geek, warn that neither is recommended for pregnant women or children because of the caffeine content.

Jennifer Kuropkat, of Think Geek, said: "Every full body wash with the Shower Shock soap will provide the equivalent of around two cups worth of coffee.

"The caffeine is absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream. It has exactly the same effect as if you were drinking coffee. Your blood pressure and pulse rate will increase, making your brain feel more alert and awake.

"The caffeine will then last in your system for approximately four hours - the same as two cups of coffee. They really are time-saves as you don't have to wait around for your coffee to brew in the morning."

The 4oz bars of soap, available via the internet, cost £3.50, and there is also a smaller travel version. The Mountain Dew shower gel costs £6.50.

I've been discharging my duties as a footpath warden this afternoon. My brother and me walked along Barnburgh Crags (where my adopted footpath is located) and I was pleasantly surprised to see that all of the overhanging branches I reported on a nearby bridleway last year have now been removed.

This work needed doing; because it's a bridleway and so horseriders and cyclists are allowed to use it. It's good to know that my recommendations are heeded though!

A man who bet £100 a decade ago that he would live to be 100 is preparing to pick up his £25,000 winnings this morning.

In 1997 bookmaker William Hill offered Alec Holden odds of 250-1. But the retired engineer, born on April 24 1907, celebrates his century today, to the bookies' dismay. Mr Holden, from Epsom in Surrey, said: "I've been very careful about what I've been doing in recent months. If I saw any hooded groups from William Hill standing in the street, I avoided them."

Mr Holden, who has two sons aged 70 and 60, puts his longevity down to porridge for breakfast.
He used to work as a teacher and a carpenter, and now plays chess every day, running a local club.

Meanwhile the bookmakers have raised the target age for bets from 100 to 110. Rupert Adams, spokesman for William Hill, said: "When we started taking these bets, 100 years old seemed to be an almost mythical landmark and we were prepared to offer massive odds. But these age wagers are starting to cost us a fortune. I am sure that Alec will get more pleasure from our letter than he will from the Queen's."

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away.
OLD KLEPTOMANIACS never die, they just can't help themselves.
OLD LANDSCAPERS never die, they just get weeded out.
OLD LAWN CARE WORKERS never die, they just recede.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgment.
OLD LEPERS never die, they just fall apart.
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book.
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.
OLD NITPICKERS never die, the just feel lousy.
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot.
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered.
OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper.
OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
OLD PIG BREEDERS never die they just get disgruntled.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off.
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just smell that way.
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.
OLD PRAGUE RESIDENTS never die, they just Czech out.
OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type.
OLD PROCTOLOGISTS never die, they just butt out.
OLD PRODUCERS never die, they just change the ending.
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.
OLD PYROMANIACS never die, they just lose their spark.
OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted.
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.
OLD ROCK HOUNDS never die, they just slowly petrify.
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.
OLD SAILORS never die, they just smell that way.
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.
OLD SNACK VENDORS never die, they just cash in their chips.
OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones!
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in.
OLD STATUES never die, they just get busted.
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.
OLD SUPREME COURT JUSTICES never die, they just get disappointed.
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just wipe the slate clean.
OLD TIRE INSTALLERS never die, they just go down the tubes.
OLD TRASH HAULERS never die, they just get down in the dumps.
OLD TREE SURGEONS never die, they just pine away.
OLD TRUCKERS never die, - they just get a new PETERBILT.
OLD UPHOLSTERERS never die, they just don't recover.
OLD VETERINARIANS never die, they just go to the dogs.
OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung.
OLD WHEELS never die, they just get retired.
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.
OLD WIG MAKERS never die they just get distressed.
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.

My mum's just called me while she and my dad are travelling on the ferry to the Isle of Mull in Scotland. They're gone on a coach holiday staying at Oban and are making their own way to the island. Apparently they are both quite excited about catching the bus to Tobermory, the island's capital, because it's got a funny name.

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.
OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched.
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
OLD BINGO PLAYERS never die, they just wait until their number comes up.
OLD BLASTING TECHNICIANS never die, they just lose their spark.
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
OLD BOOTLEGGERS never die, they just keep still.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
OLD BREADMEN never die, they just lose their dough.
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they just throw in the trowel.
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away.
OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed.
OLD CARTOONISTS never die, they just go into a state of suspended animation.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled.
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried.
OLD CHINESE COOKS never die, they just wok away.
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.
OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
OLD COUPON CLIPPERS never die, they just expire.
OLD COWBOYS never die, they are just deranged.
OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just get down in the mouth.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out.
OLD DRIVING INSTRUCTORS never die, they just come to a full stop.
OLD EDITORS never die, they just rewrite the text.
OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die, - they just go senile.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just can't make connections.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just revolt.
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
OLD ENUMERATORS never die, they just lose their census.
OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out.
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes.
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
OLD FORGERS never die, they just leave no trace.
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.
OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just push up daisies.
OLD GEOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just go off on a tangent.
OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.
OLD GOSSIPS never die, they just lose their confidants.
OLD GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES never die, they just work as if they had.
OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them.
OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded.
OLD HAIR DRESSERS never fade, they just curl up and dye.
OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.
OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired.
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.

NEW YORK (AP) - OMG! Thirteen-year-old Morgan Pozgar, of Claysburg, Pa., was crowned LG National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins" in 15 seconds.

"I'm going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes," the teen said after winning her $25,000 prize from the electronics company LG.

Morgan defeated nearly 200 other competitors at the Roseland Ballroom in Manhattan to become East Coast champion and then beat West Coast champion Eli Tirosh, 21, of Los Angeles.

She estimated that she sends more than 8,000 text messages a month to her friends and family.

I've now been unemployed for five weeks now, but prior to this I was working for six months and have managed to save a few hundred Pounds. So I've treated myself to a few things; it's a small list though.

A new printer/photocopier/scanner - my original one was only black and white and the paper kept getting stuck.

A microwave cooker which I'm keeping in reserve for when my current one breaks - I use it several times daily and all my previous ones have lasted about three years, and I've had this one for quite a while.

A battery-operated portable radio (which can receive long wave broadcasts) so that I can listen to the football and cricket commentaries whilst I'm soaking in the bath.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalisim spray-painted very, very high....

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

This is something I've intended blogging about for ages.

The mission statement of South Yorkshire Police is 'Justice with Courage' - I see it written on the side of their vehicles nearly every day as I'm walking past the police station into town. Now I'm no expert on English law or the British constitution, but I've always understood that it's the courts that are responsible for dispensing justice; certainly not the police: so I get around to thinking what would happen if a clever lawyer cited this as an example of 'double jeopardy' and tried to get all charges dismissed against his client?

It's just a thought that keeps creeping into the back of my mind.

I've just checked the online cinema listings and there's nothing I fancy watching this week at the Odeon in town. After not visiting the cinema for several years I've now watched four films on the last four Tuesdays (it's only £3.20 all day on Tuesdays); watching two with my brother, and the other two with V…

The films I've seen are:

300: excellent, the best film I've ever seen.
Mr. Bean Goes On Holiday: okay, but a little childish at times.
Sunshine: bloody awful. Too much religious and psychological mumbo-jumbo.
Wild Hogs: good fun; John Travolta is particularly good.

My tulips, daffodils and grape hyacinths have all now finished flowering. The bluebells are just about reaching their peak and some aquilegia plants (there are some growing in my parents' garden and some seeds must have somehow found their way to my garden nine miles away) are just starting to show some colour in their buds.

Schoolboy Simon Patterson is a real shining light - he collects traffic signals.

The 14-year-old has six sets of lights, more than 30 beacons and hundreds of photographs of foreign designs and wants to be a traffic signal engineer when he is older.

Simon, of Prescott, Merseyside, said: "It's hard to put my finger on it, but traffic lights just excite me. People at school think I'm crazy. Some people like football or music, but I'm into road-related stuff."

Simon gathered his collection which also includes signs and bollards by writing to councils and offering to give old lights a home. He also bought several sets on eBay for about £25 each.

And he has hundreds of photos of lights from around the world sent to him by pals on holiday.

He said: "My favourite ones are Parisian lights and the old-style British ones aren't bad either.

"People think they are just a matter of red, green and amber - but there are loads of designs and lighting systems, and so much clever stuff inside. The kids at school think it's really weird."

Simon, a member of the Society for All British Road Enthusiasts, now plans to put up the lights in his back garden with a signal box to make them flash in turn.

Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a bus seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized.

"I'm sorry.... I should not have come down on you so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

LONDON (AP) - When it comes to wacky titles, a book on rogue shopping carts goes straight to the express lane for winners.

"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification" was named the winner Friday of the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title.

The book, written by Buffalo, N.Y.-based artist Julian Montague and published by Harry N. Abrams, offers a mock-scientific taxonomy of the varieties of lost shopping carts, from the simply discarded to the elaborately vandalized.

"Then there's plow crush - where a cart gets crushed by a snow plow - and train crush," Montague said.

"Stray Shopping Carts" received a third of the more than 5,500 votes cast by members of the public on the Web site of trade magazine The Bookseller.

"It's a sort of strange honor to have," Montague said. "But I welcome the publicity and it's nice that people are finding out my book exists."

Runner-up was "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov, Magomedkhan Magomedkhanov and Alex Binnie (Bennett & Bloom).

Other finalists were "How Green Were the Nazis?" by Franz-Josef Bruggemeier, Mark Cioc and Thomas Zeller (Ohio University Press) a study of the environmental policies of the Third Reich; "Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: Di Mascio of Coventry: an Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," by Roger De Boer, Harvey Francis Pitcher, and Alan Wilkinson (Past Masters); "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium" (Kluwer); and "Better Never To Have Been: the Harm of Coming Into Existence," by David Benatar (Clarendon Press).

A couple of stories that aren't going to please the environmentalists:

Firstly, a report about low energy light bulbs interfering with the operation of TV remote controls.

Secondly, a report that claims that fortnightly emptying of the bins is causing health problems, especially asthma and nausea attacks. Apparently it's the level of bacteria and fungal spores in the air around the bins which is the problem.

I'm planning for today to be quiet, peaceful and unchallenging - just spending time at the computer, reading the Sunday Times, watching TV and pottering about in the garden [if the neighbours aren't too noisy and disruptive.]

By my standard I've had quite a busy week; I'm just looking through my diary now, and this is what I've been doing.

SUNDAY: Went to a friend's house to watch DVDs.

MONDAY: Attended an interview at the jobcentre [which I had requested.]

TUESDAY: Went to the cinema with V...

WEDNEDAY: Visited my parents at Thurnscoe

THURSDAY: My brother visited me.

FRIDAY: Attended group therapy session with occupational therapist. Went for a pub meal with V...Went to [different] pub for a couple of hours in the evening.

SATURDAY: Visited friend's house to watch DVDs.

A haven for rare wild flowers has been mowed by council gardeners who thought it was wasteland.

Volunteers had planted hundreds of snake's head fritillary bulbs and spent seven months tending them. They say the area was clearly marked, reports the Daily Mirror.

The flowers, rarely seen in the wild in Britain, were in bloom when mowers moved in to the half-acre picnic site in Malmesbury, Wiltshire.

Deputy mayor John Lawton said: "I am incandescent with rage."

North Wiltshire council apologised but said they were unaware the wild flower area existed.

I didn't sleep very well at all last night. It was too hot if I slept with my arms underneath the duvet, but too cold and draughty if I placed them outside.

Anyhow; my neck and shoulders are stiff, but I'm hoping to have a nap and then a hot bath this afternoon.

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean . Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water flied right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

...spending as much time as I can in the garden - although it's not as pleasant as it used to be because the neighbours either side spend a lot of time in their own gardens and [their children in particular] are rather noisy.

...tending to purchase cheap, out-of-date food from the supermarket. Although; after working for six months, I now have a bit of money in the bank, I still don't like to spend more than I think I need to.

Proclaimers inspire Italian Romeo

An Italian man inspired by The Proclaimers plans to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 miles back to prove his love to his girlfriend.

Mario Balducci, 58, plans to make the trip by foot from his home in the northern Italian town of Bolzano to the capital Rome where he hopes to catch a glimpse of the Pope and confess his sins; then he plans to walk back again.

He said: "I had a stupid row with my girlfriend and said stupid things, and we broke up. The silly thing is that I really love her and I didn't know how to say it.

"Then, when I was in the car I heard the song by the Proclaimers and decided it would be a fantastic way to prove I love her.

"It's around 500 miles to Rome from here and 500 miles back, and I hope when I get back she will have forgiven me. I'll be the man whose walked a thousand miles to be there at her side after all."

The 58-year-old artist estimates it will take two months and he has arranged to stay with parish priests on the way.

He will take a music player with him and plans to listen to the Scottish band as well as his other favourite music by Elvis, David Bowie, John Lennon and Lou Reed.

He added: "The long walk will give us both time to cool down and I hope will prove to her that I love her."

...watching the TV series 'Lost' every week. It's no longer being broadcast by Channel 4 (Sky TV has purchased the rights) but I'm managing to find online downloads - even if they are of a poor technical quality.

...writing poetry; although not as much as I used to, because I don't need to use it as therapy quite so much at the moment.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED

AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE
OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

A troupe of performing horses are to be given sedatives to help them cope with a Rolling Stones gig.

The horses will be in the stadium for the Stones concert at the Hippodrome in the Serbian capital Belgrade on July 14.

The animals live at the stadium where they make regular performances for locals, and managers at the stadium say they have no other place to move them before the concert, so they will have to stay.

Hippodrome director Jovanka Prelic said: "We are not too worried, although it is not ideal, but they survived NATO bombings so I guess they will survive the Rolling stones, and in any case, we will give them drugs to make sure they do not get too upset."

I went to visit my parents at Thurnscoe yesterday. Since the weather was lovely we decided to walk to Phoenix Park at the other end of the village.

I'm really impressed with the place. It's the former spoil heap of Hickleton Colliery and has been turned into a country park by the Forestry Commission. Since the spoil heap was so high, and most of the original spoil remains (290 ft high- covered with topsoil) there are extensive views at the summit covering about 300 degrees - there is higher land about a mile to the east at the picturesque village of Hickleton which is situated on the Yorkshire Limestone Ridge.

The best views are towards the west and the Pennines, with the TV transmitters of Elmley Moor and Holme Moss clearly visible, as well as the wind farm at Penistone. Of course, in the winter (but not at this time of the year) the hills are sometimes covered in snow.

Since the pit has been closed for nearly twenty years now and the park in existence for nearly ten years some of the trees planted are getting quite mature, thus giving a real sense of being on a wooded hillside - there are many sheltered picnic sites where you wouldn't have a clue that you are only a few hundred yards from some very derelict houses in the village.

Additionally at the entrance to the park there is an interpretative sculpture trail.

All in all; Phoenix Park is one of my favourite places.

Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan,
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,
"From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."

61-Year-Old Man Adopts 41-Year-Old Woman

INVERNESS, Fla. -- Two co-workers at a central Florida school said they felt like family, so they decided to make it official.

A few months ago 61-year-old Bob Wilkey offered to adopt 41-year-old Darlyn Beam.

The two had worked together at Citrus Resources for Exceptional Students in Transition for the past five years.

Beam said she was shocked by the offer at first. She didn't even know that adults could adopt other adults.

But after thinking about it for a few days, she decided to accept.

Wilkey said he never had a child of his own, but always wanted one. He said he found the perfect daughter in Beam.

The pair recently completed the adoption process and said they're happy to call each other family.

I went with V... to see this film last night and we both really enjoyed it, probably more so than Mr. Bean's Holiday [mind you, the cinema wasn't full of noisy chidren - although it's only a 12A rating].

It's an uplifting comedy with plenty of cartoon violence; and John Travolta looking really over-the-top threatening.

Shoppers have hit out at Tesco for slapping stickers with the word "magic" on mushrooms.

Once a legal alternative to LSD, magic mushrooms are now a Class A drug.

Yet the message "magic in pasta" appears on the supermarket giant's 250g packets of closed cup mushrooms, reports The Sun.

Customer Jenny Amphlett, of Stafford, said: "It seems completely frivolous."

Another shopper in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham, said: "This is clearly a joke by someone in the marketing department. It is inappropriate to make light of such a serious subject."

But a Tesco spokesman insisted: "There's absolutely no sinister connection here whatsoever. It is simply a handy tip for customers on what dishes suit our vegetables."

A British man has become a local celebrity in Croatia because his surname is Bond.

Gavin Bond, 38, a builder from London moved to the village of Mokrice looking for a change in his life and had no idea his name would bring him instant fame.

He has been invited to civic dinners and locals flock to visit the wooden hut he shares with two stray dogs.

He said: "My first name isn't even James but it makes no difference it seems. People didn't believe me when I said my name was Bond, and when I showed them my passport they loved it.

"I have been invited to civic dinners and even had an offer to open a supermarket - just because my name is Bond. People come and visit me in my hut with my two dogs just to say: 'Hello Mr Bond'."

He added: "I like the nature here, the clear water and wonderful countryside, living in a wooden house far away from hectic cities.

"I don't care if people compare me to the secret agent - why not - I make it clear that I am nothing to do with James Bond but they still want to treat me like a star. It's fun for them to say they live in a town with Mr Bond."

Man had bullet in heart for 40 years
A man shot in the heart by US troops during the Vietnam War has had the bullet removed - after 40 years.
Le Dinh Hung, 60, said from his bed in the Hanoi Heart Hospital: "I feel much better now. The chest pain has eased."
He added: "I was very lucky to survive. People believe in their fate and I do too."
When he was shot in 1968, the bullet tore through his stomach, hit his cardiac valve and lodged at the back of his heart.
Surgeons carried out a three hour operation to finally remove it after he went to hospital complaining of unbearable chest pains.
Dr Nguyen Sinh Hien, who also replaced his damaged heart valve with an artificial one, said: "It is the strangest case that I have ever seen.
"Normally a person with a bullet in the heart would die immediately if they didn't have surgery right away."
Hung was shot fighting for the communist North in Quang Tri province, near the former Demilitarised Zone that separated North and South Vietnam.
Surgeons tried to remove the bloodcaked bullet in 1969 but failed.
Despite being in constant pain, Hung, whose home is in the Ha Tay province, went on to work at a medical school and had three children with his wife.

Women to rule new town

China is to create the world's first 'Woman Town' where women make all the decisions and disobedient men face punishments.

Chongqing is to convert its Shuangqiao district into Woman Town, covering 2.3 square km, reports Chongqing Morning News.

The slogan: "A woman never makes a mistake. A man can never reject a woman's request" will be carved into the town gates.

"Construction will take around two years, and the place will become a very good destination for entertainment and relaxation," says Li Jigang, director of Shuangqiao district tourism bureau.

"In any tour group entering this town, female members would play the deciding role, concerning shopping and other items of the itinerary.

"We are drafting a township law, which stipulates clearly how men should be punished and for what. A disobedient man will be punished by kneeling on an uneven wooden board or by washing dishes in a restaurant."

Letterbox wait for post office

The letterbox will have to be freestanding
A new post office in Devon faces a two-month wait before it can install a post box outside its entrance.

The post office recently opened in Exeter's £225m Princesshay centre, but could not put in the customary letter slots because of its glass front.

It is now seeking planning permission for a post box.

Royal Mail said: "We could not do it before because it would have got in the way of all the other building work."

A spokesman said they had to check with utilities as to where it could go.

"But we expect it will be in place within six to eight weeks. It will be free standing because the front of the building is of glass."

The new office been built opposite the old facility which had a number of letterboxes in its outside wall.

I've just spent an hour at the jobcentre unsuccessfully pleading with them to make me an exeption and allow me to become immediately eligible for any new training programme or scheme.

I'm forty five years old and have never had a proper job: if they're not able to make an exception in my case, who can they make special cases?

On a more positive note; someone who I know is six years younger than me referred to me as a youngster when I saw him in town earlier. He does look old for his age though.

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lies awake at night asking if there's a dog.

Dreamed up phone number leads man to a bride

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man has met and married a 22-year-old woman after, by his own account, dreaming of her phone number and then sending her a text message.

David Brown, 24, says he woke up one morning after a night out with friends with a telephone number constantly running through his head. He decided to contact it, sending a message saying "Did I meet you last night?."

Random recipient Michelle Kitson was confused and wary at first but decided to reply and the two began exchanging messages. Eventually they met and fell in love.

"It was really weird but I was absolutely hooked," Kitson told the Daily Mail newspaper. "My mum and dad kept saying 'But he could be an axe murderer', but I knew there was something special about it."

After a long courtship, the oddly matched couple -- he's six foot seven inches tall and she's five foot four -- have just returned from their honeymoon in the Indian resort of Goa.

A love-struck Brown said: "I've no idea how I ended up with her number in my head -- it's only a few digits different from mine."

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double- check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

CHICO, Calif. (AP) - Elsie McLean thought she might have lost her ball on the par-3, 100-yard fourth hole at Bidwell Park. Instead, the 102-year-old Chico woman became the oldest golfer ever to make a hole-in-one on a regulation course.

Because of the slope of the green, McLean and her partners couldn't see where her ball landed after she teed off.

"Where's my ball?" McLean asked.

Her friends, Elizabeth Rake and Kathy Crowder, found it in the cup.

"I said, 'Oh, my Lord. It can't be true. It can't be true.' I was so excited. And the girls were absolutely overcome," McLean said.

It was McLean's first ace.

"Well everybody wants a hole-in-one, and I said, 'Why can't I have a hole-in-one?' I came within inches once," McLean told television station KNVN.

McLean, who used a driver, broke the age record of 101 set by Harold Stilson in 2001 at Deerfield Country Club in Florida.

McLean, who has been featured in golf magazines before, will appear on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" on April 24 to celebrate her accomplishment.

"For an old lady," she said, "I still hit the ball pretty good."

HOLTSVILLE, N.Y. (AP) - An audience expecting to watch a family film was stunned to get an glimpse of a horror movie, which left some parents shaken and the theater chain apologizing for the movie mix-up.

The moviegoers were expecting to see "The Last Mimzy," the PG-rated tale of a brother and sister who discover a mysterious box of toys and become endowed with superhuman powers to help preserve humanity's future.

Instead, the crowd saw the opening scene of "The Hills Have Eyes 2," the R-rated sequel to a recent remake of a 1977 horror classic by the genre's renowned director, Wes Craven. The film centers on National Guard troops who stumble on a clan of mutant cannibals and starts with a chained woman giving birth to a mutant.

"There were kids that were crying, there were people trying to cover the kids' eyes, they were caught off guard," said Anthony Rasco, who was in the audience when the scene was unexpectedly shown Thursday in one of the theaters at the Island 16 multiplex.

Another patron said the episode had left his 3-year-old son with lingering, and unsettling, questions.

"My wife is eight months pregnant, and he's been asking, 'Is that what mommy's going to have?'" said Frank Doll, 31, of Mastic.

Theater staffers soon stopped the movie, gave the patrons free ticket vouchers, and started "The Last Mimzy" about a half-hour late, according to parents.

National Amusements Inc., which operates the Island 16 and about 1,500 other movie screens in the United States and elsewhere, expressed "deepest apologies" in a statement Friday.

"We are working with our theater's managers to correct this situation and ensure that it does not happen again," said the statement from the company, based in Dedham, Mass.

When I'm not working, nearly every day I go to the shops in town and regularly see several characters who I readily recognise. I don't know these people's names or anything about them [with one exception] but they are so much a part of my daily routine that I've given them nicknames.

Here's the list:

Mummy's Boy - always pushing someone in a wheelchair[who I presume to be his mother.]

Stickman - carries a walking stick, but never seems to use it for walking with though.

Telephone Kiosk Man - always checks telephone boxes for loose change.

Dogman - carries a small terrier under his arm.

Painted Doll - an elderly woman held together with make-up.

Pink Lady - only ever wears pink.

Library Man - spends a lot of time in the library. Actually I do know a few details about this person...he's apparently a mathmatical genius who suffered a major nervous breakdown and is now unemployable and requires constant care.

Domehead - bald, and looks like and alien.

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Florida, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Bentleys in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

BELLEVUE, Ohio -- There's a man in Ohio who wants to give away his house. But there is one big catch.

It's in Bellevue, about 45 miles southeast of Toledo, and whoever takes it will have to get it out of there.

Mike Bassett's house is a big one. It's 3,600 square feet, with a fireplace, built-in cabinets, a bay window, two full bathrooms and walk-in closets. He estimates it's worth between $125,000 and $150,000, not including the land on which it sits.

One woman offered to buy it for $200,000, if Bassett would leave it in its place. But he said no. And, if he doesn't find a taker by July 1, he said he will raze the structure.

Bassett said he needs more parking for the supermarket and gas station he owns next door.

It's estimated moving the house could cost $50,000 to $80,000, depending on where it's going.

I've just received a phone call from the jobcentre reminding me about my interview with one of their advisors on Monday. In all the years I've been unemployed this has never happened before. Maybe it's a new policy initiative, or, because I've specifically requested this interview, they've had to bring in an expert from elsewhere whose time is particularly precious. I don't know.

NAME THAT COAT

Q: What do you call a man in a raincoat?
A: Mac

Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats?
A: Max

Q: What do you call a man in two raincoats in a cemetary?
A: Max Bygraves

Sky TV has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.

He's at Newcastle today. He's decided to buy a regional weekly rail rover ticket with his Christmas money.

Today's the last day that it's valid for. I've just been speaking with our mum on the phone and she's told me the places he's already visited with it:

Durham
Redcar
Scarborough [twice]
York
Harrogate

I reckon he's had his money's worth.

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag.'

A woman on holiday in a small South American country is taken to a bullfight by a local man.
"This is our No. 1 spot sport," he tells her proudly.
The horrified woman replies: "Isn't it revolting?"
"No," says the guide, "that would be our No. 2 sport."

Three French cats, named Un, Deux and Trois, went swimming.

Unfortunately Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.

I've just this minute completed my latest YouGov online survey which was actually a lot more interesting than the usual commercial products rubbish. It was all about identity; gender, sexuality, race and religion. It also gave me the opportunity to volunteer to participate in more detailed surveys (both online and offline).

I've decided to opt in to quite a few of these since they seem quite interesting and will generate a bit of extra income for me - I've been receiving 50p or 75p or free entry into a raffle for each completed survey up to now and so far have accumulated over £20 in my account, which I can redeem when it reaches £30.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Even Unopposed, Candidate Gets No Votes

MISSOURI CITY, Mo. (AP) - Joe Selle didn't exactly get voted out office this week, but he wasn't re-elected, either.

Selle, who was running unopposed for City Council, didn't get any votes at all. Not even one from himself.

Selle, 42, said he simply forgot that Tuesday was election day, and apparently so did Ward 3's other 34 registered voters.

The result was zero votes cast in Selle's race, but the city charter lets him keep the seat unless someone else is "successfully elected and qualified," the city attorney said.

Selle, a professional musician, was recently appointed to fill a council vacancy and had been seeking a full term.

He said he saw other residents at the school where the voting was held, "but it never occurred to me that's what they were there for."

"It's pretty small-town stuff down here, man," Selle said of the Missouri River town of about 300 people, 16 miles northeast of Kansas City.

Turnout was better in Ward 2, where two people voted.

Masturbating woman disturbs students

Male students at a US university called police after a young woman walked into their house and started masturbating.

The woman went into a Michigan University frat house and began to masturbate on a couch, reports the Michigan Daily.

Fraternity president Dan Nye said fraternity members were eating in the dining room at the time.

The woman told them her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.

She was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

"Obviously, she was very disturbed," Nye said. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."

No one saw her enter the house but the front door had been left propped open because it was being repaired.

Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.

When members asked the woman if she was all right, she casually replied that she was fine, he said. At one point she was talking on her mobile phone.

She walked out wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. By the time police arrived, minutes later, she had already left.

There was a bit of a commotion taking place out in the alleyway at the back of the houses last night and so first thing this morning I thought I'd unlock the garden gate and have a look around.

It was soon obvious what all the fuss was about; three wheelie bins had been set alight. Because their bins are full of smelly rubbish all the time, several of the neighbours have taken to leaving them permanently out in the alley - maybe they won't be doing it any more now though.

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

10. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

11. At communion you go back for seconds.

12. You wash your toilet paper.

13. You have to save up to be poor.

14. You're in college.

15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

16. You owe yourself money.

17. You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

18. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

Garri Holness, 39, is one of the Britons in a bad place at the time of the July 2005 subway bombings, and he suffered the loss of a leg, for which government programs compensated him with more than 100,000 British pounds (about $190,000). That is more than 10 times the amount of government compensation (in 2005 pounds) received by each of the two teenage girls from a vicious 1985 gang rape that Holness was convicted of participating in (and for which he served seven years in prison). [Daily Mail (London), 1-26-07]

In February, when housing officials in Loebau, Germany, ran out of small apartments for low-income residents, they decided to put them in quarters that were larger than regulations allowed. However, the officials made the residents close off some rooms to stay within the allotted space and said inspectors would make regular visits to see that no one cheated.

Fire officials in Crystal River, Fla., stopped the planned performance in January of Jesse Aviles, "The Human Bomb," who was set to lie face down across two bar stools at the Oar House Restaurant and Lounge and have himself blown across the room by explosives. According to Oar House, the performance was canceled for the lack of permits. City Manager Andrew Houston, asked by the St. Petersburg Times what kind of permits might be necessary for a person to be exploded from a barstool, said, "I have no earthly idea."

Super-charismatic Stacy Finley, 34, pleaded guilty in January in Shreveport, La., to defrauding 22 middle-class victims by somehow convincing them to pay a total of $989,000 to have medical scans done of their bodies by overhead satellite and to be administered secret therapeutic drugs while they slept, by CIA agents who would sneak into their homes.

Sat nav palace gaffe

Two coaches taking pupils on a trip to Hampton Court Palace ended up in a cramped alleyway after a sat-nav blunder.

The lead driver punched 'Hampton Court' into his sat-nav, expecting to end up at the palace at East Molesey, Surrey.

Instead, the coaches battled through congested rush-hour streets to arrive at pokey Hampton Court alleyway, in Islington, North London.

One teacher even had to buy a street map while another phoned colleagues asking them to find the way on the internet.

In the end the trip was scrapped, and 60 eight and nine-year-olds arrived back at Orchard Lea School, Fareham, Hants, eight hours after leaving.

Parent Barrie Cross said: "It was a disastrous comedy of errors."

Now the coach firm has banned its drivers from using sat-nav and promised the school a free outing.

Orchard Lea head teacher Brendon Carroll said: "We were disappointed, but the coach company has apologised and we'll get another trip. However, I wouldn't want it to happen again."

Pink plan to deter male drivers

Traffic officials in a Swiss city are hoping to stop men using parking spaces reserved for women drivers by painting them pink and adding flowers.

The council move in Bern comes because male drivers keep grabbing reserved spaces for women, which are usually close to the car park exit and under video surveillance.

Bjorn Rohrbach, managing director of a car park in Bern, said: "Legally, we can't stop men from using women's parking spaces. And telling them off didn't work either."

He believes that the average male driver will be too embarrassed to use the pink parking spaces.

A Polish woman who put an ad on the internet for new grandparents for her kids has had thousands of replies.

Most of them were from lonely old people whose families have moved to Britain.

Hundreds of thousands of Poles have moved to Britain since EU expansion and in many cases whole families have left and have children growing up away from elderly relatives.

Agata Czemierys, from Bialystok, decided to try and adopt grandparents for her children because her own parents are dead.

She said: "I did not want my own two daughters to grow up without grandparents."

But she was deluged with answers to the ad which read: "We are looking to adopt a grandmother who we want to take on holiday with us and go shopping. This has nothing to do with money, only love."

She said: "I don't know whether I will manage. I have a big heart but I cannot adopt all the grandmothers and grandfathers in the whole of Poland."

Gherkins ground 105-year-old

A 105-year-old Romanian has made his first ever trip to the doctors after eating a jar of gherkins past their sell-by-date.

Tudorica Anghel, from Iasi, took himself to St Spiridon Hospital telling doctors he'd had pains for two days and was worried it might be something serious.

But doctors who performed a full check-up on him said he was very healthy for his age, and that he was probably suffering from indigestion.

When they tried to access his records they found he had never been to a doctor in his life.

Doctor Diana Cimpoiescu, who treated Mr Anghel, said: "This was the first time in his life that he had come to a hospital.

"We did a full examination of him and apart from a bit of weak hearing he has nothing at all wrong with him. He is amazingly healthy for a man of his age."

Here's a list of the most popular tags I've used in my blog postings.

Barnsley
blog
chocolate
computer
cricket
Doncaster
England
English
friends
Google
jobcentre
love
news
parents
poems
poetry
Yorkshire

Maybe this says something about me, or thia blog.

A seasonal posting, I suppose.

Some amazing photographs here.
This makes domino stacking look easy!

I can't imagine that it's really possible to do this; but maybe they're just very patient and careful.

Teens 'get high on bin smoke'
Wednesday, April 4, 2007

These drugs are rubbish, no really they are. Setting wheelie bins on fire and inhaling fumes to get high is the new 'drug of choice' for teenagers, police say.

The craze is behind more than 50 bin fires in Barnsley, they add.

Anti-solvent abuse charities warn that inhaling bin fumes could be more dangerous than sniffing glue or petrol.

Wheelie bins are made from high density polyethylene – composed of double-bonded carbon and hydrogen molecules.

Burning an empty one releases carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide.

These deadly gases starve the brain of oxygen, giving a headacheheavy short high.

PC Jonathan Reed, of South Yorkshire Police, said officers were now looking at ways to lock up the bins.

'It is the drug of choice, setting fire to the bins and inhaling the fumes,' he added.

'The health and safety implications are terrible. It is only a matter of time before someone harms themselves.'

Warren Hawksley, of anti-solvent abuse charity Re-Solv, said he had heard of the problem in Scotland but this was the first time he had come across it in England.

In Scotland it was also known for people to burn bus shelters for the same effect, he added.

Mr Hawksley added: 'It is a deadly combination.

'They can be breathing in a whole compound of different chemicals in the plastic and not have a clue about what they actually are, or what they are doing to them.

'At least with petrol the lead has been taken out of most of it. And there are controls to stop abuse of other substances.'

LOS ANGELES (AP) - An Air Force veteran has filed a federal claim after an operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one.

Benjamin Houghton, 47, was to have had his left testicle removed June 14 at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center because there was a chance it could harbor cancer cells. It also was atrophied and painful.

But doctors mistakenly removed the right testicle, according to medical records and the claim, which seeks $200,000 for future care and unspecified damages. He still hasn't had the other testicle removed.

"At first I thought it was a joke," Houghton told the Los Angeles Times. "Then I was shocked. I told them, 'What do I do now?'"

Houghton, his wife, Monica, and their attorney, Dr. Susan Friery, said they hoped to get the VA's attention by going public with the situation.

Dr. Dean Norman, chief of staff for the Greater Los Angeles VA system, has formally apologized to Houghton and his wife.

"We are making every attempt that we can to care for Mr. Houghton, but it's in litigation, and that's all we can tell you," he said. The hospital changed practices as a result of the case, he added.

Scots leave their mark at Wembley

Scottish construction workers have reportedly left a stash of Scots memorabilia under the 'hallowed turf' of the new Wembley.

The Scotsman says builders left tartan scarves and Scotland shirts under goal lines, penalty spots, the centre circle and the England dugout.

Workers apparently carried out the stunt after being the targets of banter and jokes from English colleagues, about Scotland's failure to make it to the last two World Cups.

Celtic and Scotland legend Billy McNeill said the prank would mean the 1977 rampage would not be repeated.

He said: "At least it will save us taking pieces of turf back home with us again."

Scottish fans notoriously ripping up much of the turf and smashing up the goalposts at the old Wembley after a 2-1 victory in 1977.

This morning, for the first time this year, it was daylight when I woke up. This is a welcoming sign that spring is well and truly here [and also that I'm managing to sleep until a little later in the morning now that I'm not working.]

The last two days have been beautiful here: brilliant sunshine and a temperature of nearly seventy degrees; although still a bit nippy if you're in the shade. I would have spent more time in the garden than I actually did if it wasn 't for the neighbours and their noisy and annoying kids.

Footballer in sausage row

A top German football player has demanded £200,000 compensation from a butcher who named a sausage after him.

German international Bastian Schweinsteiger (the surname means pig-climber) took a Munich butcher to court after it used his nickname "Schweini" which means Little Piggy, to create the new type of sausage, and won.

Now the player wants £200,000 as compensation for using his name without permission.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker-pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

CHICAGO (AP) - A woman is suing her dance partner, claiming he dropped her on her head after flipping her into the air at an office party.

Lacey Hindman, 22, was a victim of "negligent dancing," says her lawyer, David M. Baum.

In the suit, Hindman claims that during a party at a Chicago bar and restaurant in April 2006, David Prange grabbed her by the forearms and tossed her in the air, and then she crashed to the wood floor.

"I was in the air, over him," Hindman said. "I fell hard enough you could hear the impact of me hitting the floor over the sound from the jukebox."

Hindman said in the suit, filed in Cook County Circuit Court, that she suffered a fractured skull and brain injuries. She is seeking damages for medical bills and lost wages for time missed from work.

Hindman worked for Prange's wife, Kate Prange, at Shop Girl, a women's boutique.

There was no immediate response to a call seeking comment from David Prange on Tuesday.

To the person who decided to hijack my blog and write derogatory remarks about my being unemployed:

All I have to say to you is; yes, at the moment I'm unemployed. That's how life is for some of us in Doncaster - it's a poor northern town. Until three weeks ago I was employed though, working for minimum wage (£205 per week including tax credits); leaving the house at 7:30 and not getting back in until past six o'clock in the evening - care to swap places with me?

I'll just now briefly answer some of your specific points:

Yes, I have spent most of my life unemployed; that is because there weren't and still aren't any jobs in this part of the country. For all the time I've been unemployed I've only been in receipt of the absolute minimum benefit (approx £40 per week after my contribution to my rent has been paid). Yet again, I ask you; care to swap places with me?

You further mention that if you'd been unemployed as long as me you'd have had a really interesting life to blog about…on £40 a week for twenty odd years?…I don't think so.

I don't know who you are or where you are posting from but it's very easy to make hurtful ignorant remarks about someone you know nothing about.

Are you aware of what happened in the Yorkshire pit villages when at the whim of politicians an entire industry and way of life was destroyed within a few short months? Are you aware how some of us worked day and night (in excess of full-time hours) for absolutely nothing for years on end to try and rebuild the communities we lived in? Are you aware of the long-term psychological effects caused by prolonged periods of unemployed.

Put up, or shut; you ignorant fool!!!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's Michael; he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

Poland to ban 'men in skirts'?

Calls are growing in Poland for a ban on 'men in skirts' because drunken Scottish flashers have been upsetting locals.

Agnieska Gaspar, 23, from Krakow, said: "You can't go round the corner without seeing a Scot showing off what he has under his kilt while one of his mates photographs him.

"I saw one lying in the gutter the other day with his kilt round his waist. He was drunk, and it was freezing cold - I am surprised he did not get frostbite."

Poland has become a major destination for UK tourists mainly attracted by the cheap beer.

Authorities in major towns like Warsaw and Krakow have already complained about the drunken British tourists often coming for stag parties, but now they say the kilted Scots have added an extra dimension.

In the city of Wroclaw, officials are exploring a kilt ban after being horrified by groups of drunk Scottish men who lifted their kilts to strangers.

Local police who have born the brunt of the complaints say a kilt ban would not be possible, but have promised to crack down on the partying Scots and make sure they keep their kilts down at all times.

A Wroclaw city council spokesman said: "So far the police have told us that there can be no ban on people wearing kilts in our town as it is an accepted form of dress and there is nothing offensive about it.

"However, we are still looking into the matter as we have had a number of complaints from people who were confronted by drunks lifting their kilts and exposing themselves and we feel that this is not the kind of behaviour our city wants to see.

"Why would we want to see what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?"

Carry On tops one-liners

The Carry On gag "Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!" has been voted the funniest film one-liner.

Kenneth Williams uttered the words as Julius Caesar in the 1964 romp Carry On Cleo.

It was named the best one-liner in a poll of 1,000 comedians, industry figures and film fans by Sky Movies Comedy.

The rest of the top Top 10 was made up of:

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy." Terry Jones as Brian's mother - Life Of Brian (1979)

"Surely you can't be serious?" "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." Leslie Nielsen as Dr Rumack - Airplane! (1980)

"Remember you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx as Rufus T Firefly - Duck Soup (1933)

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen as Alvy Singer - Annie Hall (1977)

"Do you have a licence for your minkey?" Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau - The Return of the Pink Panther (1975)

"Is that, is that hair gel?" Cameron Diaz as Mary Jensen - There's Something About Mary (1998)

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room." Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley - Dr Strangelove (1963)

"Nice beaver!" "Thank you. I just had it stuffed." Leslie Nielsen as Lt Frank Drebin and Priscilla Presley as Jane Spencer - The Naked Gun (1988)

"When I met Mary I got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her." Jim Carrey as Lloyd Christmas - Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Puppy comes back from the dead

A puppy which 'died' in a car accident crawled home after being buried for seven hours.

The poodle, Dudu, of Nanjing City, China, was hit by a van after he was taken out for a walk, reports Jinling Evening Post.

"He was so excited to go out, and escaped the rope," says owner, Miss Li, of Longjiang residential community.

"Dudu was thrown into the air, then hit the kerb. When my mother ran to him, he was spitting blood, and had stopped breathing."

Miss Li and her mother buried Dudu outside apartment block.

But later they were shocked to get a call from the property office saying the dog was sitting outside the building's metal door.

"I rushed out and Dudu staggered toward me. He was covered with soil and had dried blood at the edge of his mouth, and both eyes swollen with blood," says Miss Li.

Li and her mother immediately sent Dudu to Beier Pet Hospital, where doctors were touched by Dudu's brave story and performed an emergency operation.

Hospital manager Hu Hong says Dudu would have been in shock when his owner couldn't feel his breath and thought he was dead.

But luckily the pit was not too deep and the soil not tightly packed, and Dudu came to the hospital in time to be saved," he said.

Girl bites Hamburger

A German girl who could not get rid of a persistent admirer in a Hamburg disco unzipped his flies, pulled out his penis - and almost bit it in half.

Emergency services found the man clutching his blood-stained member in the middle of the dance floor.

Natascha Mueller, 23, told police: "I just wanted to dance and he kept coming alongside me and would not go away."

Her victim, Andreas Baum, 39, said: "She beckoned me over and told me 'I know what you need'.

"Then she unzipped my trousers and I thought it was Xmas, and then she bit me. The pain was incredible. She almost bit it off."

The young woman, who was arrested, was six times over the legal limit for driving when breath tested.

I went with V... to the cinema last night to see the latest Mr. Bean film and we both thoroughly enjoyed it; Rowan Atkinson can pull some amazing faces and do some very silly walks - although there was a lot of dialogue when compared to previous Mr. Bean films.

Bizarrely, the tickets were dated April 3rd, 2020.

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ireland's High Court struck down a 19th century law against begging on Thursday, ruling in favor of a beggar who had argued that his arrest violated a right to free speech, broadcaster RTE reported.

Justice Eamon De Valera rejected the argument made by Niall Dillon that the law discriminated between rich and poor.

But the judge agreed that a section of the Vagrancy Act of 1847, enacted during the Great Famine, was unconstitutional because it interfered with the rights of freedom of expression and freedom to communicate with other people.

Dillon was arrested for begging in Dublin in 2003 and charged under the law. Following the ruling, his prosecution can no longer go ahead.

Prime Minister Bertie Ahern unveiled plans in 2004 to repeal thousands of English and British laws -- some dating back to William the Conqueror in the 11th century -- that were enacted prior to Irish Independence in 1922 and remain in force.

More obscure acts such as one from the 12th century forbidding monks "to receive men unless their reputation is known" and another banning Jews from owning chain mail will be struck off the statute books altogether.

Those with continued relevance today will be replaced by more up-to-date laws.

Mum hooked on 'dummy' fags

A smoker beat a 40-a-day habit - only to get hooked on plastic substitute cigarettes instead.

Linda Nutt, 58, conquered her 40-year habit by using nicotine replacement inhalers, reports The Sun.

The Nicorette Inhalators contain a cartridge impregnated with a tiny dose of nicotine designed to give smokers the sensation of having a puff while holding something cigarette-shaped in their fingers.

But three years on, mum Linda is now addicted to chewing the Inhalators' plastic cases.

Nicorette manufacturer Pfizer sent her hundreds free in an attempt to help her. But now the firm has refused to give her any more, saying she must beat the addiction once and for all.

And her GP cannot prescribe any more Inhalators, which cost £6 for six, on the NHS.

Linda, of Sheldon, Birmingham, is scared she will start smoking again.

She said: "I don't understand why Pfizer had a change of heart. It's the plastic I'm addicted to, not the cartridge."

Pfizer's medical director James Walmsley said: "It is vital the Inhalator is used as directed. Anyone who finds it difficult to break the habit of chewing on it should seek advice."

A man travelled up and down the same train line for six hours before staff realised he was dead.

Ferdinando Borelli, 85, had a fatal heart attack, but other passengers assumed he was asleep, reports The Sun.

He completed the route - from Savona to Turin in northern Italy - three times before cleaners tried to wake him at the company's depot.

He was returning from holiday and died shortly after boarding the train.

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Md. woman says dog saved her from choking
Associated Press

Posted Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 2:58 pm

Debbie Parkhurst with Toby

AP-The Cecil Whig/ADELMA GREGORY-BUNNELL
CALVERT, Md. — Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life.

Debbie Parkhurst, 45, of Calvert told the Cecil Whig she was eating an apple at her home Friday when a piece lodged in her throat. She attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself but it didn't work. After she began beating on her chest, she said Toby noticed and got involved.

''The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders,'' she recalled. ''He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest.''

That's when the apple dislodged and Toby started licking her face to keep her from passing out, she said.

''I literally have pawprint-shaped bruises on my chest. I'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise, I'm OK,'' Parkhurst said.

''The doctor said I probably wouldn't be here without Toby,'' said Parkhurst, a jewelry artist. ''I keep looking at him and saying 'You're amazing.'''

GRIEVING WIFE SLICED OFF WILLY
(Germany) A wife, aged 65, chopped off her dead husband's penis in the hospital so she could keep it in a pickling jar as a souvenir. Uta Schneider used a butcher's knife to hack off the "treasured" manhood. She wrapped it in foil and put it in a lunchbox next to gherkins. She was spotted by a nurse and arrested in Stuttgart, Germany. She is accused of mutilation. Uta was wed to Heinrich, 68, for 35 years. She told police, "It was his best asset and gave me so much pleasure. I wanted to pickle it for eternity. He would have wanted it. We called it his joystick. I wanted it to remember him by."

Here are links to three sites I've been spending a lot of time visiting recently.

http://www.geograph.org.uk/

http://www.satellite-sightseer.com/

http://www.googlesightseeing.com/

The first one is an interesting photographic project attempting to build up a database of photographs of every location in the U.K.

The other two are blog-based submitted aerial photographs with user generated comments.

According to U.K. tabloid the Sun, a 33-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after wearing Ann Summers vibrating Passion Pants to her local Asda supermarket. Unfortunately, she became "so aroused by the 2 1/2-inch vibrating bullet inside that she fainted" then "fell against shelves and banged her head." This prompted the attendance of the paramedics who "found the black leatherette panties still buzzing." Having disabled the underwear, they then whisked the senseless shopper to hospital where she made a complete recovery. Staff handed her back the Passion Pants upon discharge, discreetly concealed in a plastic bag. For the record, Ann Summers notes that Passion Pants are "Not for internal use."

Supposedly genuine letters left out for the milkman.

Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

I recently found this funny list about Barnsley, our neighbour and rival situated fifteen miles to the west.

* You define 'summer' as three months of bad coal picking.
* Your definition of a small town is one that only has five pubs.
* You refer to the Tykes as "we."
* At least 50% of your relatives used to work down the pit.
* You have ever gotten frostbitten and suntanned in the same week.
* You identify a Sheffield accent as "Southern".
* Snap is something you eat.
* You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.
* You were brassed off by the movie "Brassed Off."
* You got a passport to go to Leeds.
* Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Oasis.
* You know that Jump is a real place.
* You have one word that means Hello, How are you,Whats this, Hang on a minute and bloody hell! (Eyup..)
* Eastern Promise is a blind date in Doncaster.
* Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a miner next to your Leylandii.
* Your neighbour throws a party to celebrate his new flymo.
* A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend yomping up the tips with the rotweiller.
* McDonalds is a posh night up town.
* You know how to line dance.
* Pop is a drink, not your grandad
* You are unaware there is a legal drinking age.
* You have more fishing rods than teeth...
*You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend .
*You have subsidence insurance.
*You get on a bus marked "Jump Circular" without a second thought.
* The major question when the Barnsley Chronicle runs a restaurant review is "Whats a restaurant?"
*You judge a cafe by its black pudding and gravy.
*You consider having warm chips and a pickled onion as your birthright.

Cannabis farm caused road collapse

Police discovered an illegal cannabis farm in Leeds after it caused part of a road to collapse.

Cannabis growers had tunnelled out under the road to connect to a mains electricity supply to power lights and hydroponics.

Insp Richard Coldwell said: "This was quite an extreme incident where the road had actually began to collapse as a result of the tunnel from the cellar to the mains supply."

The operation led to the discovery of more than 1,000 Cannabis plants in the Headingley area of Leeds.

Two people have been arrested in connection with the matter and are currently in custody.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

My piles have burst and I've lost quite a lot of blood, causing me to be slightly incontinent at the moment and so needing to wear two pairs of underpants. Although this is a regular occurance every few months [and does mean that I get a few weeks relief from the burning and itching], I still find it quite distressing and imagine that I'm going to collapse due to anaemia or something else related to my condition.

I've also got a bit of diarrhoea and trapped wind this morning, both of which won't last for long - but I certainly don't need the former at the same time as my piles bleeding.