A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

Flight maps misplace Stansted

Maps used by British Airways show Stansted Airport 40 miles out of position in a tiny Kent village with the same name.

The airline's in-flight skymaps appear to show the UK's third busiest airport in the rural parish of Stansted, in the Tonbridge and Malling district of Kent, reports Sky News.

It's actual location is miles away in Essex.

The error is reported to affect the airline's 67-strong Airbus fleet but the problem has not been replicated on pilots' navigation systems.

A BA spokesman said: "What we need to find out is whether whoever was responsible for the maps intended for a little village with a population of 200 to be highlighted as the airport. Probably not.

"It would seem odd that a little village has been highlighted. It's a reasonable assumption to make that they thought it was Stansted Airport but clearly we will have to check this."

BA would have to install new software to correct the position on its maps.

But confusion between the Kent village and Stansted Airport is nothing new, according to villagers.

Anne Roberts, landlady of the Black Horse Inn, said: "It doesn't surprise me that this has happened because we are always getting confused with Stansted in Essex.

"We sometimes get big articulated lorries with cargo for Stansted Airport driving around the village."

Yorkshire on Film and TV

Yorkshire locations for film and TV

A Private Function
Ben Rhydding, Ilkley

A Chorus of Disapproval
Scarborough

A Sense of the Past
Hyde Park Cinema, Leeds

A Woman of Substance
Brimham Rocks/Richmond

A Great Day Out (Alan Bennett)
Halifax

Agatha
Harrogate, Old Swan Hotel

Ain't Misbehavin'
BBC, Harrogate

All Creatures Great and Small
Locations in Wensleydale, Swaledale, Arkengarthdale

Band of Gold
Bradford

Billy Liar
Bradford and Baildon

Body and Soul
Bradford

Brideshead Revisited
Castle Howard, near York

Carrington
Robin Hoods Bay, North Yorkshire Moors Railway and the Dales

Calendar Girls
Kettlewell, Upper Wharfedale

Chariots of Fire
Crown Place, Crescent Gardens, Harrogate

Crinkley House
Askrigg

Darling Buds of May
David Copperfield
Robin Hoods Bay

Dracula
Temple Newsam House, Leeds, also Whitby

Emmerdale
Arncliffe, Esholt, Otley, Harewood

Escape from the Dark
Ripley Castle,Harrogate

Foxy Lady
Hebden Bridge

Harry's Game
Various city centre locations - Leeds

Heartbeat
Goathland, North Yorkshire

How We Used to Live
Armley Mills Industrial Museum, Leeds

In Loving Memory
Luddenden, Halifax and surrounding area

Jane Eyre
Keighley, Ripley Castle and Blubberhouses Moor

Jimmy's (YTV documentary programme)
St James' University Hospital, Leeds

Juliet Bravo
Todmorden, Widdop Moor

Kes
Barnsley

Last of the Summer Wine
Holmfirth, Colne and Holme Valleys

Life of Charles Dickens
Armley Mills

Life and Times of Henry Pratt
Todmorden

Mr Wroe's Virgins
Heptonstall

My Brother Jonathan
Hyde Park Cinema, Leeds

Oh no it's Selwyn Froggitt
Skelmanthorpe, Clavton West

Only Fools and Horses (To Hull & Back)
City Varieties, Leeds

Open All Hours
Balby, Doncaster

PC Penrose (Rosie)
Rossington, Doncaster and Scarborough

Raffles
Bramham Park near Wetherby

Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves
Aysgarth Falls, Hardraw Force

Room at the Top
Calderdale

Seaforth
Beeston, Hebden Bridge, Killingbeck, Harewood House, Saltburn, Bradford, Harrogate and Leeds

Secret Garden
Fountains Hall and Allerton Park, Harrogate

See you at Wembley (Frankie Walsh)
Hull and Burton Agnes

Sharpe
Hardcastle Crags, Hebden Bridge and East Riddlesden Hall, Keighley

Sherlock Holmes
Lotherton Hall, Leeds, and Allerton Park

Song of Experience
Keighley and Worth Valley Railway, Hyde Park Picture House

Stay Lucky
Sowerby Bridge and around Leeds/Liverpool canal basin in Leeds

Sunday, Bloody Sunday
The Dons RL Football Ground, Tattersfield, Doncaster
[now demolished]

The Beiderbecke Affair
In and around Leeds and Wakefield

The Citadel
Hebden Bridge

The Full Monty
Sheffield

The Good Old Days
City Varieties, Leeds

The Waterbabies
Denton Hall, Ilkley and countryside around

The Railway Children
Keighley and Worth Valley Railway

The Sporting Life
Wakefield

The Final Conflict
Fountains Abbey

The Dresser
Alhambra Theatre, Bradford and Halifax

Touch of Frost
Leeds city centre and suburbs, Dewsbury, Thackley near Bradford

Wuthering Heights 1939,1993
Keighley, Grassington, Hubberholme and Arncliffe

Yanks
Keighley

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Cop raid over shuttlecock

A policeman was sent to a couple's house to investigate the case of a missing shuttlecock.

Rachel and Jon Palmer were stunned when the cop knocked on their door and told them they were suspected of stealing it, reports The Sun.

The drama started when two 13-year-old girls lost the shuttlecock while playing in their garden in Soham, Cambridgeshire.

They asked neighbour Rachel, 25, to look for it and she searched her own garden without success.

She said: "I told them if I stumbled across it I'd throw it over the fence to them.

"Later on they came back and asked Jon if it was in the garden. He had another look and he couldn't find it either. But at 8pm that night a police officer knocked on the door, which woke up the children."

Rachel added: "When I saw a policeman standing there I was terrified something awful had happened.

"When he told me he was investigating a missing shuttlecock I thought Jeremy Beadle would jump out from behind him.

"He said he'd been told I was refusing to give back a shuttlecock. I couldn't believe what he was saying. He was quite off-hand. In the end Jon asked him to leave and he did."

A Cambridgeshire police spokeswoman said: "We did receive a call in relation to this incident but no formal complaint was made. The officer in question has been spoken to."

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

Collection of Peter Kay Funny sayings and quotes. From stand up comedian performances and TV series
Some Peter Kay sayings

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

Thousands of rich Japanese women were conned into believing lambs were valuable miniature poodles.

Flocks were imported from the UK and Australia to be sold by an internet company as the latest "must have" pet.

The scam was rumbled when movie star Maiko Kawakami complained on a talk show that her new poodle refused to bark or eat dog food.

She showed photos of the animal and was devastated when told that it was a lamb, reports the Sun.

Hundreds of women contacted police to say that they had also been sold lambs instead of pedigree pups by the con artists based in Sapporo.

One couple found out the truth only after a dog beautician told them she could not trim their poodle's claws - because they were hooves.

The company, whose name translated as Poodles As Pets, has now been shut down.

Bosses took advantage of the fact sheep are rare in Japan and most people do not know what they look like.

They advertised poodles online for £630 - half the price of the highly-desired puppies in Japan at £1,260.

A police spokesman said: "We launched an investigation after we were made aware that a company were selling sheep as poodles."

I've noticed that two or three bloggers have been mentioning that they felt the earth move this morning. Obviously I didn't feel anything here in Doncaster, but I did experience two minor earth tremors when I was living at my previous address. I was just lying on the bed watching TV at the time and was vaguely aware of some strange vibration; I suppose most people wouldn't have noticed it whilst they were going about their daily business. Apparently things were shaken off walls and shelves, and cracks appeared in the plasterwork earlier today - I've certainly not experienced anything like that.

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

'No dole, you're dead!'

An unemployed German mechanic has been told his dole money has been stopped because he's dead.

The news came as a surprise to Wolfgang Berlt, 59, from the Saxony region, who had contacted social services to find out why his benefits had been stopped.

Mr Berlt said: "My wife got a letter from social services explaining why they were not paying me. Neither of us could believe it.

"But they were a bit surprised at the benefits office when I rang them up and said: "Hello, I'm dead, but I'd like my benefits back please".

"We've had the letter framed now though and we pull it out to look at it every time we feel like a laugh."

A spokeswoman for the job centre said there had been a mix up after another jobless man with the same name died and they had apologised to Berlt.

Prague prefers goat to Freud

A plan to have a monument to Sigmund Freud has been turned down by locals in Prague who want to have a statue of a goat instead.

The monument will be erected in the area of the city known as Goat Square where there have been no goats for hundreds of years.

Freud was born in the Czech Republic but lost out to the goats after locals started a protest group called "The Friends of the Goat".

Spokesman Stanislav Penc said: "A Freud monument can be erected anywhere in the Czech Republic, a goat monument only on Goat Square."

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: YOU'VE GOT MALE!

I've just taken my first neoclarityn of the spring this morning, two or even three weeks later than I normally would. I noticed a few symptoms of hayfever yesterday while I was out walking with my brother, and this morning I woke up with a tickly throat and a runny nose.

Caffeinated soap has been launched to help people who don't have the time for both a shower and a coffee in the morning.

Manufacturers claim their Shower Shock soap releases caffeine that is absorbed into the user's system and provides the same hit as a two cups of coffee.

The soap is also infused with peppermint and citrus scents so the user doesn't end up smelling of coffee, reports the Guardian.

A shower gel is also on offer, although the makers, Think Geek, warn that neither is recommended for pregnant women or children because of the caffeine content.

Jennifer Kuropkat, of Think Geek, said: "Every full body wash with the Shower Shock soap will provide the equivalent of around two cups worth of coffee.

"The caffeine is absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream. It has exactly the same effect as if you were drinking coffee. Your blood pressure and pulse rate will increase, making your brain feel more alert and awake.

"The caffeine will then last in your system for approximately four hours - the same as two cups of coffee. They really are time-saves as you don't have to wait around for your coffee to brew in the morning."

The 4oz bars of soap, available via the internet, cost £3.50, and there is also a smaller travel version. The Mountain Dew shower gel costs £6.50.

I've been discharging my duties as a footpath warden this afternoon. My brother and me walked along Barnburgh Crags (where my adopted footpath is located) and I was pleasantly surprised to see that all of the overhanging branches I reported on a nearby bridleway last year have now been removed.

This work needed doing; because it's a bridleway and so horseriders and cyclists are allowed to use it. It's good to know that my recommendations are heeded though!

A man who bet £100 a decade ago that he would live to be 100 is preparing to pick up his £25,000 winnings this morning.

In 1997 bookmaker William Hill offered Alec Holden odds of 250-1. But the retired engineer, born on April 24 1907, celebrates his century today, to the bookies' dismay. Mr Holden, from Epsom in Surrey, said: "I've been very careful about what I've been doing in recent months. If I saw any hooded groups from William Hill standing in the street, I avoided them."

Mr Holden, who has two sons aged 70 and 60, puts his longevity down to porridge for breakfast.
He used to work as a teacher and a carpenter, and now plays chess every day, running a local club.

Meanwhile the bookmakers have raised the target age for bets from 100 to 110. Rupert Adams, spokesman for William Hill, said: "When we started taking these bets, 100 years old seemed to be an almost mythical landmark and we were prepared to offer massive odds. But these age wagers are starting to cost us a fortune. I am sure that Alec will get more pleasure from our letter than he will from the Queen's."

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over.
OLD JANITORS never die, they just get swept up.
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out.
OLD KINGS never die, they just get throne away.
OLD KLEPTOMANIACS never die, they just can't help themselves.
OLD LANDSCAPERS never die, they just get weeded out.
OLD LAWN CARE WORKERS never die, they just recede.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just loose their briefs.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their judgment.
OLD LEPERS never die, they just fall apart.
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just close the book.
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just get well lubricated.
OLD MECHANICS never die, they just retire.
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey.
OLD MUFFLERS never die, they just get exhausted.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out.
OLD NITPICKERS never die, the just feel lousy.
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot.
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces.
OLD PAINTERS never die, they just get plastered.
OLD PARAKEETS never die, they just get cheeper and cheeper.
OLD PERSONNEL AGENTS never die, they just get hire and hire.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just lose their focus.
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.
OLD PIG BREEDERS never die they just get disgruntled.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane.
OLD PILOTS never die, they just take off.
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just smell that way.
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out.
OLD POLITICIANS never die, they just run once too often.
OLD POSTMEN never die, they just lose their zip.
OLD PRAGUE RESIDENTS never die, they just Czech out.
OLD PRINCIPALS never die, they just lose their faculties.
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type.
OLD PROCTOLOGISTS never die, they just butt out.
OLD PRODUCERS never die, they just change the ending.
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits.
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just loose their memory.
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse.
OLD PYROMANIACS never die, they just lose their spark.
OLD QUARRY WORKERS never die, they just get blasted.
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just pass away.
OLD ROCK HOUNDS never die, they just slowly petrify.
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.
OLD SAILORS never die, they just smell that way.
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals.
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision.
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.
OLD SNACK VENDORS never die, they just cash in their chips.
OLD SOLDIERS never die, . . . just young ones!
OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in.
OLD STATUES never die, they just get busted.
OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded.
OLD SUPREME COURT JUSTICES never die, they just get disappointed.
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding.
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class.
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just wipe the slate clean.
OLD TIRE INSTALLERS never die, they just go down the tubes.
OLD TRASH HAULERS never die, they just get down in the dumps.
OLD TREE SURGEONS never die, they just pine away.
OLD TRUCKERS never die, - they just get a new PETERBILT.
OLD UPHOLSTERERS never die, they just don't recover.
OLD VETERINARIANS never die, they just go to the dogs.
OLD VIOLINISTS never die, they just become unstrung.
OLD WHEELS never die, they just get retired.
OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged.
OLD WIG MAKERS never die they just get distressed.
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip.

My mum's just called me while she and my dad are travelling on the ferry to the Isle of Mull in Scotland. They're gone on a coach holiday staying at Oban and are making their own way to the island. Apparently they are both quite excited about catching the bus to Tobermory, the island's capital, because it's got a funny name.

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part.
OLD ACTUARIES never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
OLD ALCOHOLICS never die, they just lose their spirit.
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures.
OLD ARTISTS never die, they just get the brush-off.
OLD BALLOONISTS never die, they just get higher and higher.
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.
OLD BASEBALLS never die, they just get pitched.
OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling.
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.
OLD BINGO PLAYERS never die, they just wait until their number comes up.
OLD BLASTING TECHNICIANS never die, they just lose their spark.
OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away.
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.
OLD BOOTLEGGERS never die, they just keep still.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just wither away.
OLD BOTANISTS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter.
OLD BREADMEN never die, they just lose their dough.
OLD BRICKLAYERS never die, they just throw in the trowel.
OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away.
OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die, they just get bypassed.
OLD CARTOONISTS never die, they just go into a state of suspended animation.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just get distilled.
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive.
OLD CHICKENS never die, they just get fried.
OLD CHINESE COOKS never die, they just wok away.
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD CLOTHIERS never die, they just lose their shirts.
OLD COMPUTER USERS never die, they just lose their memory.
OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged.
OLD COUPON CLIPPERS never die, they just expire.
OLD COWBOYS never die, they are just deranged.
OLD COWS never die, they just kick the bucket.
OLD DAIRYMEN never die, they just get butter and butter.
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged.
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just get down in the mouth.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just go to the hospital.
OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.
OLD DOUGHBOYS never die, they just get rolled out.
OLD DRIVING INSTRUCTORS never die, they just come to a full stop.
OLD EDITORS never die, they just rewrite the text.
OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die, - they just go senile.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just can't make connections.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just revolt.
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings.
OLD ENUMERATORS never die, they just lose their census.
OLD EXTERMINATORS never die, they just bug out.
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed.
OLD FIREFIGHTERS never die, they just go to blazes.
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.
OLD FORGERS never die, they just leave no trace.
OLD FROGS never die, but they do croak.
OLD FULLBACKS never die, they just kick off.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just spade away.
OLD GARDENERS never die, they just push up daisies.
OLD GEOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just go off on a tangent.
OLD GLASS never dies, it just gets smashed.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just putter away.
OLD GOSSIPS never die, they just lose their confidants.
OLD GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES never die, they just work as if they had.
OLD GRUNGE ROCKERS never die, they just cut their hair, and nobody recognizes them.
OLD GUNS never die, they just get loaded.
OLD HAIR DRESSERS never fade, they just curl up and dye.
OLD HIKERS never die, they just get the boot.
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.
OLD HOOKERS never die, they just get laid off.
OLD HUMAN CANNONBALLS never die, they just get fired.
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay loaded.
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe.

NEW YORK (AP) - OMG! Thirteen-year-old Morgan Pozgar, of Claysburg, Pa., was crowned LG National Texting champion on Saturday after she typed "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "Mary Poppins" in 15 seconds.

"I'm going to go shopping and buy lots of clothes," the teen said after winning her $25,000 prize from the electronics company LG.

Morgan defeated nearly 200 other competitors at the Roseland Ballroom in Manhattan to become East Coast champion and then beat West Coast champion Eli Tirosh, 21, of Los Angeles.

She estimated that she sends more than 8,000 text messages a month to her friends and family.

I've now been unemployed for five weeks now, but prior to this I was working for six months and have managed to save a few hundred Pounds. So I've treated myself to a few things; it's a small list though.

A new printer/photocopier/scanner - my original one was only black and white and the paper kept getting stuck.

A microwave cooker which I'm keeping in reserve for when my current one breaks - I use it several times daily and all my previous ones have lasted about three years, and I've had this one for quite a while.

A battery-operated portable radio (which can receive long wave broadcasts) so that I can listen to the football and cricket commentaries whilst I'm soaking in the bath.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalisim spray-painted very, very high....

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

This is something I've intended blogging about for ages.

The mission statement of South Yorkshire Police is 'Justice with Courage' - I see it written on the side of their vehicles nearly every day as I'm walking past the police station into town. Now I'm no expert on English law or the British constitution, but I've always understood that it's the courts that are responsible for dispensing justice; certainly not the police: so I get around to thinking what would happen if a clever lawyer cited this as an example of 'double jeopardy' and tried to get all charges dismissed against his client?

It's just a thought that keeps creeping into the back of my mind.

I've just checked the online cinema listings and there's nothing I fancy watching this week at the Odeon in town. After not visiting the cinema for several years I've now watched four films on the last four Tuesdays (it's only £3.20 all day on Tuesdays); watching two with my brother, and the other two with V…

The films I've seen are:

300: excellent, the best film I've ever seen.
Mr. Bean Goes On Holiday: okay, but a little childish at times.
Sunshine: bloody awful. Too much religious and psychological mumbo-jumbo.
Wild Hogs: good fun; John Travolta is particularly good.

My tulips, daffodils and grape hyacinths have all now finished flowering. The bluebells are just about reaching their peak and some aquilegia plants (there are some growing in my parents' garden and some seeds must have somehow found their way to my garden nine miles away) are just starting to show some colour in their buds.

Schoolboy Simon Patterson is a real shining light - he collects traffic signals.

The 14-year-old has six sets of lights, more than 30 beacons and hundreds of photographs of foreign designs and wants to be a traffic signal engineer when he is older.

Simon, of Prescott, Merseyside, said: "It's hard to put my finger on it, but traffic lights just excite me. People at school think I'm crazy. Some people like football or music, but I'm into road-related stuff."

Simon gathered his collection which also includes signs and bollards by writing to councils and offering to give old lights a home. He also bought several sets on eBay for about £25 each.

And he has hundreds of photos of lights from around the world sent to him by pals on holiday.

He said: "My favourite ones are Parisian lights and the old-style British ones aren't bad either.

"People think they are just a matter of red, green and amber - but there are loads of designs and lighting systems, and so much clever stuff inside. The kids at school think it's really weird."

Simon, a member of the Society for All British Road Enthusiasts, now plans to put up the lights in his back garden with a signal box to make them flash in turn.

Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick