A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ATTENTION!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbour over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said
"Dick, ATTENTION!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

Focus on . . . Doncaster
HOW IT RATES

Doncaster’s origins are Roman. Transport has always played an important role here: the stagecoach trade of the 17th and 18th centuries generated wealth that built the Georgian town centre as well as a horse-breeding culture expressed in Doncaster racecourse, one of the oldest in England.

ARCHITECTURAL GEMS

St George’s Church (or Doncaster Minster) is a landmark on the town’s skyline. It was designed by Sir George Gilbert Scott, who was responsible for St Pancras railway station in London. Brodsworth Hall is a fine example of a Victorian country house, and the circular keep of Conisbrough Castle, dating back to 1180, is the oldest such structure in England.

WHAT’S NEW

Lazarus Properties has a development of 34 homes, including 11 houses, at Hamilton Lodge, Doncaster (Urbani, 01302 556001). As part of the redevelopment of Doncaster racecourse, Frank Whittle Partnership (01772 259824) has designed 34 luxury apartments in the new grandstand with views of the home straight.

QUALITY OF LIFE

Fair. There are good shops and the housing market is still affordable. Debenhams has a striking new flagship store in the Frenchgate Shopping Centre. Doncaster does not have the varied glimpses of countryside of neighbouring Sheffield, but at weekends the pubs and clubs come into their own. For a more relaxed pace of life, there are some old and pretty mining villages in the suburbs.

TRAVEL

Couldn’t be much better. The A1(M) and M18 come right into town, and it is only a 20-minute drive to the M1 and M62. There are direct trains to London from Doncaster railway station. The Robin Hood International Airport is only seven miles from the station, and there is a frequent shuttle service back and forth.

POPULATION

According to the 2001 census, Doncaster had a population of 286,866; nearly 80 per cent of its residents were under 50.

SMARTEST STREETS

Property prices in the town are on the low side: the average cost is £125,303, against £151,351 for Sheffield. Wander out to Bawtry or Bessacarr and there are some very attractive family homes that can still be picked up for less than £500,000.

BEST RESTAURANTS

People don’t eat out much here, but Nether Hall Road and Copley Road have some small independent restaurants. Eating Whole on Copley Road is good for veggies. If you go south to Bawtry, Dower House and Lancers are two good Indian restaurants, and Emilio’s is for eating Italian.

TOP NIGHTLIFE

Doncaster has two theatres, the Civic and the Little Theatre, and there are plans for a new performance venue. Bars and clubs offer plenty of glitz. Priory Walk is more laid-back, with cappuccino bars and jazz clubs. Clubs include Camelots for rhythm and blues, house and soul nights, and Flares, which concentrates on the 1970s.

EDUCATION

Doncaster College is the largest further education college in South Yorkshire; its £65 million Waterfront campus opened last year. Hill House St Mary’s is an independent coed day school.

WORKING LIFE

The biggest employer is the service industry, with 70 per cent in this sector. Manufacturing is next on 21 per cent. According to the 2001 Census, 5.8 per cent of local people were out of work.

UPSIDE

Doncaster is flourishing and aspires to city status. The impressive newly developed racecourse reopens in time for the St Leger Stakes in September. The airport has put the town on the map.

DOWNSIDE

It’s not the prettiest of towns, although plenty is being spent on regeneration. More worryingly, some of the town is built on a floodplain; so far this week 80 homes on the outskirts have been evacuated because of the heavy rainfall.

£129,000 The average property price in Doncaster
Source: Hometrack

2% The increase in property prices in Doncaster over the past three months
Source: Halifax

182% The increase in property prices in Doncaster over the past ten years
Source: Halifax

6 The number of recycling centres in Doncaster
Source: Doncaster Borough Council

I've always been interested in history; but always thought that there were many more contacts between civilisations and cultures than the history books acknowledge...well; here's one example.

Incan bones found in Østfold

Archeologists in Sarpsborg have found one thousand year old skeletal remains that appear to be Incan.
The skeletal remains were found during conservations work at St. Nicolas church in Sarpsborg, a city 73 kilometers (45 miles) southeast of Oslo, NRK (Norwegian Broadcasting) reports.

When archeologists were to move some rose bushes they made the surprising discovery of the remains of two older men and a baby.

"When we were about to take hold under the rose bush the skeletal remains slid out. It was quite surprising," Mona Beate Buckholm, archeologist at the Borgarsyssel Museum, told NRK.

One of the skulls had characteristics that indicate he was an Inca, the South American people centered in Peru.

"There is a bone in the neck that hasn't grown and this is an inherited characteristic only found among Inca Indians in Peru. This is sensational," Buckholm said.

The archeologists now plan to try and find out what the man was doing in Østfold, and how he came there.

Sexy 'woman' on dating line was man

An unemployed Dutch man pretended to be a woman on a premium sex phone live - with the blessing of social services.

Francis Capelle, 38, from Enschede, says officials were content he was earning money and no longer needed unemployment benefits.

Mr Capelle has been earning his living by pretending to be "sexy Ellen" to hundreds of men on the phone, reports De Telegraaf.

He says he could make his voice sound like that of a seductive woman to keep men on the phone for hours. He earned a modest income - about double what he would have got on benefits.

But, after ten months, he decided to call a halt because he felt he was earning money fraudulently.

"A lot of men gave me their names, address and phone number and tried to get a date. But I never went," he said.

"I'm very sorry for the men who spent so much money in talking to me. They spent a real fortune."

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Malaysians in a northern village were alarmed by rumors that space aliens had been laid to rest in their neighborhood cemetery, but authorities learned the graves had merely been filled with banana tree trunks for a superstitious ritual, police said Tuesday.

Residents feared a local witch doctor had instructed grave diggers to bury extraterrestrials in the rural district of Pasir Mas on Sunday, causing police to detain the man for investigation, said district police chief Haliludin Rahim.

The man was freed after he explained that banana tree trunks, not aliens, had been buried in a ceremony for "medicinal purposes," Haliludin told The Associated Press.

The New Straits Times newspaper said the rumor started because of a misunderstanding after some of the grave diggers claimed to other people that they had been told they were burying aliens.

Witch doctors and spiritual healers are common in rural parts of Malaysia where traditional beliefs have long been entrenched.

Pole dancing ad ruled OK but aliens are out

Nando's ad received more than 200 complaints

Pole dancing "not incompatible with family values"

Bureau decisions "not based on complaint numbers"

POLE dancing strippers are compatible with family values, but animated aliens bearing hamburgers are deemed unfit for television, Australia's ad watchdog says.

The Advertising Standards Bureau dismissed 200 public complaints about a Nando's chicken chain ad featuring a pole dancer wearing only a G-string.

But an animated McDonald's advertisement showing a girl being abducted by aliens and rewarded with a Happy Meal has been axed for undermining "stranger danger" messages.

The ad watchdog previously banned a bank ad in which a man in a bunny suit was tripped up by a shopkeeper - because of one complaint of animal cruelty.

The dismissal of complaints about the overtly sexual nature of the Nando's TV and cinema advertisements has left critics shocked and confused.

The commercial features a topless mother working as a pole dancer thrusting her backside in a G-string at a male customer's face to receive a cash tip.

She is wearing a Nando's-fix patch designed to deal with her craving for Nando's meals.

The woman is then shown fully clothed with her husband and two children enjoying dinner at a Nando's restaurant.

The ad is classified M and can be shown after 8.30pm and on weekdays between noon and 3pm.

The Advertising Standards Bureau said the ad did not breach the advertising ethics code.

It ruled that "pole dancing was not incompatible with family values ... (and) this depiction of pole dancing was ... not overtly sexual."

But the bureau also found the woman "enjoyed being sexy" while pole dancing.

Advertising lobby group Young Media Australia said the decision was confusing.

"I thought (the ad) was a bit out there and based on the number of complaints it received, the bureau's decision not to ban it seems crazy," Young Media president Joan Roberts said.

"Two hundred complaints seems more reflective of community standards than one."

But bureau chief executive Fiona Jolly said decisions were not based on complaint numbers.

A majority of the board rejected all complaints over the ad.

There have been live reports on the TV news this morning from parts of Doncaster [Bentley and Toll Bar] which have been flooded, and the flood waters are still rising. This is because Doncaster is situated on the River Don, as is Sheffield, but is twenty five miles further downstream.

Some of the areas flooded are situated well away from the river, but because they're on the flood plain, and there are many local dykes which have burst their banks; they are now up to two foot deep in water - despite there being nothing more than the occasional shower these last two days.

Unfortunately, more heavy rain is forecast for the weekend; but the meteorologists are predicting that most of it will fall slightly further south and land in the catchment area of the River Trent.

Bad golfer starts brush fire

A US golfer who hit a bad shot inadvertently started a 20 acre brush fire.

The golfer had knocked his ball into the grass outside Wildcreek golf course, near Reno, Nevada.

When he tried to play back to the fairway, his club struck something that created a spark that started the fire.

"He was totally honest about it," Reno Battalion Chief Curtis Johnson told the Reno Journal-Gazette.

About 50 firefighters and fire engines from Reno and Sparks swarmed the area and spent hours putting out the blaze.

"We had a lot here," Johnson said. "We use a task force response now, three brush engines and three structure engines and a water tender. We've changed tactics this year because of the dangerous conditions."

A very loudmouthed, unattractive, mean-looking woman
walks into Wal-Mart, with her two unruly kids in tow,
screams obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning, welcome to
Wal-Mart …. nice children you have there, are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
“Hell no, they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9, and the
youngest one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think
they’re twins? Are you blind or just plain stupid? Do you
really think they look alike?”
“No,” replies the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got
laid twice.”

German driver swallows false teeth

A German lorry driver caused a crash on a busy autobahn after biting into an apple and swallowing his false teeth.

Peter Seiler, 57, was driving on the A3 motorway near Wurzburg when he decided to tuck into the apple.

But he chocked on a piece of the apple and as he coughed he ended up swallowing his false teeth.

As he struggled for air he lost control of the lorry and crashed into another car.

No-one was hurt in the incident.

Judge: 'What's a website?'

A judge trying an internet terror case stunned a court by admitting he did not know what a website was.

Judge Peter Openshaw brought a halt to the trial as a witness was being quizzed about an extremist web forum.

He told prosecutors at Woolwich Crown Court: "The trouble is I don't understand the language. I don't really understand what a website is."

Prosecutor Mark Ellison tried to help the judge by explaining. But Judge Openshaw, 59, admitted: "I haven't quite grasped the concepts."

Later he said he hoped a computer expert would give "simple" evidence when called to the stand.

Judge Openshaw said: "Will you ask him to keep it simple? We've got to start from basics."

I've just put out the green wheelie bin [for garden waste] for the binmen. It's the first time I've used it since it was delivered last year; it's full of my foxgloves which were flattened by the recent heavy rain.

Man set for execution wants to die laughing

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - A Texas man scheduled to be executed on Tuesday wants to die laughing.

Patrick Knight, 39, has been soliciting jokes on the Internet and plans to tell one of them before receiving a lethal injection, Texas Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons said on Monday.

"He says he wants to keep his execution light," she said.

Knight was sentenced to die for the August 1991 murder of his two elderly neighbors in Amarillo, Texas.

Lyons said a friend of Knight's set up a page on the social networking Web site MySpace.com to solicit jokes, and "hundreds" of suggestions have arrived in the mail.

"I'll be enjoying my last days on Earth," Knight wrote on the Web site. "I'm not asking for pen pals, but I'm asking you to spread the word that I am holding a contest. I want people to send me their best jokes, and to keep me and others with (execution) dates laughing."

Texas leads the nation with 396 executions. None of those put to death have ever joked about it, Lyons said.

"We've certainly had some people who have recited a poem or a Bible verse, some people who have asked forgiveness or who pray," she said. "This is, to my knowledge, the first time anybody has told a joke as their last words."

While she says Knight will be allowed to tell his joke, none of his executioners in the state death chamber at the Walls prison unit in Huntsville, Texas will be laughing, Lyons said.

"Everybody who is there takes it very seriously and will not be participating in the joke," she said. "So knock-knock jokes are out."

Teen unplugged 'noisy' life support machine

A teenager in intensive care unplugged his neighbour's life support machine because the noise was keeping him awake.

Frederik Moelner, 17, said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine as it helped 76-year-old Hermann Berghof breathe kept waking him up.

A police spokesman from Landshut in southern Germany said: "He told us the noise was getting on his nerves and he thought this was the best way to make sure he got peace and quiet.

"Luckily the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine. If there had been any delay the old man could have died."

Moelner is now being questioned by police.

Tiger Woods wins farting contests on the course as well as golf trophies.

Ex-Ryder Cup star David Feherty said four-times Masters champ Woods is just as competitive in wind-breaking contests.

Feherty, 47, says he and Woods, 31, regularly hold contests to see who can let rip the most and the loudest.

Feherty, now a CBS TV host, said: "He doesn't allow himself to lose a thing, even our juvenile contest!"

That's what the TV weather forecasters are saying; more than a month's worth of rain has fallen on Doncaster in just the last twenty four hours; making June 2007 the wettest month ever...and there's still nearly a week remaining!

All this rainfall has certainly affected me.
Earlier on it was rainiing in in the kitchen and part of the garden was flooded to a depth of about four inches; and all day the digital TV signal has been pixelating due to the bad weather.

A Devon golfer got a hole-in-one - on the wrong hole.

Clive Seymour, 72, sliced his drive on the first hole at Hele Park in Newton Abbot, Devon, reports the Daily Mirror.

It swerved onto the green of the fourth hole - and dropped in the cup.

Three stunned golfers approaching the fourth green watched as his ball landed ahead of them.

Clive, who has a handicap of 24, said: "I'm afraid slicing is one of my problems.

"I really got hold of the drive but it went to the left, flew over some saplings and to the left of a big oak tree.

"I didn't see where it disappeared but three lads on the fourth said it went straight in the hole.

"You could have knocked me down with a feather."

Retired carpenter Clive, of Paignton, added: "People are saying I've scored the world's first hole-in-the-wrong-one."

Club director Duncan Arnold said: "It was unconventional, but still impressive. A hole in one - at any hole - is still a dream for many golfers."

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

First it was killer sharks. Then it was killer bees. Now American holidaymakers heading for the beach this summer are being warned to watch out for another lethal hazard: killer sand castles.
The US bucket and spade brigade went on full alert yesterday after research by a top physician revealed that people falling into holes dug in the sand had accounted for more fatalities in the US since 1990 than shark attacks - 16 as opposed to 12.

The article, written by Dr Bradley Maron in the New England Journal of Medicine, said sand holes and tunnels, the byproduct of building sand castles and other juvenile beach fortifications, could turn into deathtraps with horrifying speed.
Although such incidents were extremely rare, Dennis Arnold, who runs a beach patrol at Martha's Vineyard, off Cape Cod in Massachusetts, said lifeguards were under orders to stop children digging deep holes. Occasionally some parents protest, he said. "They'll say 'You're ruining my kid's day!' and I say 'I don't care!'," Mr Arnold was quoted as saying.

A lake in southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared, prompting speculation the ground has simply opened up and swallowed it whole.

The lake was situated in the Magallanes region in Patagonia and was fed by water, mostly from melting glaciers.

It had a surface area of between 4 and 5 hectares (10-12 acres) -- about the size of 10 soccer pitches.

"In March we patrolled the area and everything was normal ... we went again in May and to our surprise we found the lake had completely disappeared," said Juan Jose Romero, regional director of Chile's National Forestry Corporation CONAF.

"The only things left were chunks of ice on the dry lake-bed and an enormous fissure," he told Reuters.

CONAF is investigating the disappearance.

One theory is that the area was hit by an earth tremor that opened a crack in the ground which acted like a drain.

Southern Chile has been shaken by thousands of minor earth tremors this year.

A hen party literally brought the house down in Serbia after climbing on roof support pillars to get a better look at a male stripper.

The group that included female bank directors, lawyers, and even a local MP were among 200 women who piled into the club in Novi Sad, northern Serbia.

No one was hurt when the roof collapsed and spokesman for the club, Nenad Savic, said: "We thought they would all go home then, but they demanded the show go on to the end."

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

By the way; I didn't write these.

FEMALE POEM
I want a man that’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.!
Oh! For a man that makes love to my mind, and knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I want this man to love me to no end, and always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a

A New Zealand couple have been blocked by authorities in their bid to name their baby son '4real'.

Pat and Sheena Wheaton decided on the name after glimpsing him for the first time during a scan, reports Metro News.

But they have been told that '4real' can't go down on the birth certificate because numerals are not allowed.

Mrs Wheaton told TV One: "For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and there's no direct link between the meaning and the name.

"With this name, everyone knows what it means."

But when the parents tried to file the name with New Zealand's Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, they were told names beginning with a number were against the rules.

The government office has opened negotiations with the parents about the name under a policy that says all unusual names must be given case-by-case consideration.

Registrar-General Brian Clarke said in a statement: "The name has not at this stage been rejected. We are currently in discussions with the parents to clarify the situation."

New Zealand law requires all children to be registered within two months of birth and the baby will be registered as 'Real' if no compromise is reached.

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular
Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realizing that
this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re
having an orgasm?”
She replied, “Probably deer hunting with his buddies.”
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

A Berlin hotel is giving its guests a taste of communist East Germany.

Ostel takes its guests back to a pre-1989 era of ugly brown and orange wallpaper, spartan furnishings and Politburo portraits.

The hotel, which opened in Berlin in May, offers guests a choice of rooms in the style of the old eastern bloc, reports the BBC.

The hotel is a former East German Plattenbauwohnung - the kind of mass-produced concrete apartment building that came to symbolise life in the communist bloc.

In the reception four clocks show the time in Moscow, Berlin, Havana and Beijing.

The hotel was the brainchild of two former East German circus performers, Daniel Helbig and Guido Sand.

Their concept of retro chic continues a wave of 'Ostalgie' - nostalgia for some aspects of life in former East Germany, expressed in the cult status of Trabant cars and the hit film Goodbye Lenin.

The hotel founders managed to rescue communist-era furnishings from private homes and the dusty store rooms of furniture dealers.

A display case in the hotel lobby contains East German souvenirs such as plastic egg cups, chocolate GDR-Mark coins and even a rare roll of GDR toilet paper.

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
Arthur, “since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,”I want to hang out
with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced
him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were
the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!”
Arthur said, “ya, that’s me…”
God commented, “well, what a big deal in inventing something that’s
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road!”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but
aren’t you the inventor of woman???”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It
chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too
soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God
said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours. !!!

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

We discussed some interesting subjects at my group therapy session this morning.

The origin of the phrase 'cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey'

Was the Norman Conquest good for Britain?

What do I admire [me personally] about the Romans?

PALATINE, Ill. (AP) - A mother of two in this suburb of Chicago doesn't have to turn on the news for an update on NASA's space mission. She just flips on her baby monitor. Since Sunday, Natalie Meilinger's baby monitor has been picking up black-and-white video from inside the space shuttle Atlantis.

"Whoever has a baby monitor knows what you'll usually see," said the elementary school science teacher. "No one would ever expect this."

Live video of the mission is available on NASA's Web site, so it's possible the monitor is picking up a signal from somewhere.

"It's not coming straight from the shuttle," NASA spokeswoman Brandi Dean said. "People here think this is very interesting and you don't hear of it often - if at all."

Meilinger silenced disbelieving co-workers by bringing in a video of the monitor to show her class on Tuesday, her students' last day of school. At home, 3-month-old Jack and 2-year-old Rachel don't quite understand what their parents are watching.

"I've been addicted to it and keep waiting to see what's next," Meilinger said.

Green blood shocker

Surgeons operating on a man were shocked to find he had green blood.

Tests showed he had taken too many of a headache pill called sumatriptan.

He was diagnosed a rare condition in which sulphur from the sumatriptan combined with the blood's haemoglobin to change its colour.

The 42-year-old smoker had needed an operation on his leg to relieve a circulation problem in Vancouver, Canada, reports The Sun.

Dr Alana Flexman, of St Paul's Hospital, said: "During insertion, we normally see arterial blood come out. That's how we know we're in the right place. And normally that blood is bright red, as you would expect in an artery.

"But in his case, the blood kept coming back as dark green instead of bright red. It was sort of a green-black. Like an avocado skin maybe.

"We were very concerned, obviously."

The man made a full recovery.