Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Gran quizzed over birds' nest

Police questioned a frail gran of 81 about a sparrows' nest.

Two officers knocked on shocked Anne Mee's door to question her about allegedly blocking the birds' access, reports The Sun.

They asked to come in and look around, saying neighbours claimed builders she hired to work on her roof may have stopped the birds getting to their nest.

Widow Anne said: "I was worried sick. It beggars belief that they thought it was worth questioning me over a birds' nest. I was very shaken after they had left and upset."

The police only went after Anne assured them the birds had just been collecting twigs from the roof.

Her angry family are demanding an apology from police in Sittingbourne, Kent.

Son-in-law Steve Davenport said: "Our immediate reaction was to think it must be conmen. It's disgraceful that an elderly, vulnerable grandmother should be questioned like this."

Kent Police said: "We did what we had to do. It is a criminal offence to intentionally harm wildlife by denying access to their nests."

If you want to get rid of troublemaking youths, play them some Cliff Richard songs, a funfair has found.

According to bosses from Carter's Steam Fair, playing tracks such as "Living Doll" by the 66-year-old pop veteran on all their rides was enough to scare off some "hoodies" and other troublemakers who had descended on the fair last Saturday in north London.

"It was amazing, just like a scene from (the film) 'Mars Attacks' when the aliens were driven away by the sounds of Slim Whitman,'" said the fair's Seth Carter in a statement to Reuters.

"From now on if we do have any trouble we have found the perfect deterrent and it comes in the shape of the Peter Pan of Pop.

Just to give you a helping with some basic Welsh:

Dwr = Water
Ych-y-fi = Yuck/horrible
Crappio = I'm sure you can work this one out

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, the farmer shouted over to the man "paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Sheep crappio yn y dwr!"

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!".

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent.

"Oh I see" said the farmer, "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."