Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ATTENTION!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbour over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said
"Dick, ATTENTION!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

Focus on . . . Doncaster
HOW IT RATES

Doncaster’s origins are Roman. Transport has always played an important role here: the stagecoach trade of the 17th and 18th centuries generated wealth that built the Georgian town centre as well as a horse-breeding culture expressed in Doncaster racecourse, one of the oldest in England.

ARCHITECTURAL GEMS

St George’s Church (or Doncaster Minster) is a landmark on the town’s skyline. It was designed by Sir George Gilbert Scott, who was responsible for St Pancras railway station in London. Brodsworth Hall is a fine example of a Victorian country house, and the circular keep of Conisbrough Castle, dating back to 1180, is the oldest such structure in England.

WHAT’S NEW

Lazarus Properties has a development of 34 homes, including 11 houses, at Hamilton Lodge, Doncaster (Urbani, 01302 556001). As part of the redevelopment of Doncaster racecourse, Frank Whittle Partnership (01772 259824) has designed 34 luxury apartments in the new grandstand with views of the home straight.

QUALITY OF LIFE

Fair. There are good shops and the housing market is still affordable. Debenhams has a striking new flagship store in the Frenchgate Shopping Centre. Doncaster does not have the varied glimpses of countryside of neighbouring Sheffield, but at weekends the pubs and clubs come into their own. For a more relaxed pace of life, there are some old and pretty mining villages in the suburbs.

TRAVEL

Couldn’t be much better. The A1(M) and M18 come right into town, and it is only a 20-minute drive to the M1 and M62. There are direct trains to London from Doncaster railway station. The Robin Hood International Airport is only seven miles from the station, and there is a frequent shuttle service back and forth.

POPULATION

According to the 2001 census, Doncaster had a population of 286,866; nearly 80 per cent of its residents were under 50.

SMARTEST STREETS

Property prices in the town are on the low side: the average cost is £125,303, against £151,351 for Sheffield. Wander out to Bawtry or Bessacarr and there are some very attractive family homes that can still be picked up for less than £500,000.

BEST RESTAURANTS

People don’t eat out much here, but Nether Hall Road and Copley Road have some small independent restaurants. Eating Whole on Copley Road is good for veggies. If you go south to Bawtry, Dower House and Lancers are two good Indian restaurants, and Emilio’s is for eating Italian.

TOP NIGHTLIFE

Doncaster has two theatres, the Civic and the Little Theatre, and there are plans for a new performance venue. Bars and clubs offer plenty of glitz. Priory Walk is more laid-back, with cappuccino bars and jazz clubs. Clubs include Camelots for rhythm and blues, house and soul nights, and Flares, which concentrates on the 1970s.

EDUCATION

Doncaster College is the largest further education college in South Yorkshire; its £65 million Waterfront campus opened last year. Hill House St Mary’s is an independent coed day school.

WORKING LIFE

The biggest employer is the service industry, with 70 per cent in this sector. Manufacturing is next on 21 per cent. According to the 2001 Census, 5.8 per cent of local people were out of work.

UPSIDE

Doncaster is flourishing and aspires to city status. The impressive newly developed racecourse reopens in time for the St Leger Stakes in September. The airport has put the town on the map.

DOWNSIDE

It’s not the prettiest of towns, although plenty is being spent on regeneration. More worryingly, some of the town is built on a floodplain; so far this week 80 homes on the outskirts have been evacuated because of the heavy rainfall.

£129,000 The average property price in Doncaster
Source: Hometrack

2% The increase in property prices in Doncaster over the past three months
Source: Halifax

182% The increase in property prices in Doncaster over the past ten years
Source: Halifax

6 The number of recycling centres in Doncaster
Source: Doncaster Borough Council

I've always been interested in history; but always thought that there were many more contacts between civilisations and cultures than the history books acknowledge...well; here's one example.

Incan bones found in Østfold

Archeologists in Sarpsborg have found one thousand year old skeletal remains that appear to be Incan.
The skeletal remains were found during conservations work at St. Nicolas church in Sarpsborg, a city 73 kilometers (45 miles) southeast of Oslo, NRK (Norwegian Broadcasting) reports.

When archeologists were to move some rose bushes they made the surprising discovery of the remains of two older men and a baby.

"When we were about to take hold under the rose bush the skeletal remains slid out. It was quite surprising," Mona Beate Buckholm, archeologist at the Borgarsyssel Museum, told NRK.

One of the skulls had characteristics that indicate he was an Inca, the South American people centered in Peru.

"There is a bone in the neck that hasn't grown and this is an inherited characteristic only found among Inca Indians in Peru. This is sensational," Buckholm said.

The archeologists now plan to try and find out what the man was doing in Østfold, and how he came there.