Posts archive for: 4 June, 2007
  • Incidents from my life: The Time I Applied For Political Asylum.

    Yes, I'm a failed asylum seeker.

    I'm not exactly sure how many years ago it is now that the anti-Poll Tax campaign was active; but I was a poll tax rebel myself. However, I was a rebel amongst rebels - I wasn't protesting against the poll tax because I thought it was unfair; I was protesting at having to pay it to Barnsley Council when I was claiming that since Thurnscoe had a Rotherham address and phone number I actually lived in Rotherham and so would pay my poll-tax to Rotherham instead - so I refused to pay any money to Barnsley and had to appear in court.

    In the meantime I had written to the Norwegian Consulate in Birmingham to claim political asylum on the grounds that it's a basic human right to be free to define your own identity [i.e. in what town I lived.] After my court appearance [where I had an attachment of earnings award against my benefit payments] a journalist told me that the consulate had contacted the council's treasury department and wanted a written confirmation that under no circumstances would I be sent to jail - otherwise they would seriously consider my claim for asylum.

    At the time there was a lot of controversy in the press about young thugs being sent on 'anger management' courses in the Bahamas and so I arranged to have my photograph taken standing on the pavement outside the court in Barnsley wearing striped pyjamas and carrying a suitcase with an oversized luggage label with the words 'Guilty as Charged - Two Week Anger Management Course In The Bahamas' printed on it. Ironically, this photograph ended up being published on the front page of the Doncaster Star newspaper.

  • This is just so unprofessional.

    Earlier today there was report on BBC News 24 about a community centre for refugees in Leominster (pronounced as Lemster), Herefordshire. Unfortunately, the newsreader pronounced the name as it's spelled and said that it was in Hertfordshire.

    Why are we forced to pay for this rubbish?

  • Incidents from my life: The time I was mistaken for a terrorist [only a slight exaggeration.]

    I know the title of this blog is, 'Minimalist Poet, Minimalist Lifestyle' and I do indeed live a rather boring, minimalist lifestyle - however, I've had my moments.

    Eleven years ago I was studying for a B-TEC qualification in performing arts at the High Melton site of Doncaster College and we were performing a promenade production of The Handmaid's Tale. The play is based on a science-fiction novel set in a far future distopian military dictatorship.

    In order to make the production as genuine as possible we turned the entire campus into our own little private military dictatorship…we even managed to lay our hands on some genuine (disabled) ex-Korean War machine guns from the props department at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leeds. For added effect we hung shop dummies from tress and set up a road-block [within the campus] to check people's tickets.

    Well, as it happens; on this particular day the chief constable of South Yorkshire just happened to driving through High Melton on his way home from a meeting in Doncaster…

    The next thing I knew I was walking out of one of the buildings after having been to the toilet when I'm manhandled by three burly [and armed] policemen and spreadeagled up against a wall - fortunately for me, by this time the police were aware that we weren't actually terrorists; however, the lads operating the roadblock weren't quite so fortunate.

    Within the next few minutes the officers contacted the helicopter by radio to call things off and were then very keen to speak to our drama tutor. Needless to say, we all got top marks.

    Since I'm on a roll now; later today, or maybe tomorrow, I'll write about the time I formed my own political party and also how it happens to be the case that , despite being born in Pontefract and thus being a British subject all my life, I am in fact a failed asylum seeker.

  • And I think I Have Trouble With My Piles.

    German impaled on plunger

    A German almost died after using a sink plunger as a bath plug and impaling himself after slipping on a bar of soap.

    Dieter Bayer, 79, who moved to Switzerland with his wife Frieda after he retired, decided to use the plunger because he could not find the bath plug.

    But as he stood up to soap himself he slipped and fell heavily on the plunger, wedging the wooden handle up his backside.

    His wife, 68, who rushed to the bathroom when she heard him screaming in pain, was unable to pull him free and called emergency services.

    An ambulance spokesman said: "There was a lot of blood, the injury was very serious, he could have died."

    Doctors operated for eight hours to repair the damage and it will be at least two weeks before he can leave hospital.

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