Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A GRANDAD has just discovered he has been living with a broken neck for 59 YEARS.

John Richards, 74, did not know he had fractured vertebrae when he fell from a tree while stealing apples as a 16-year-old in 1948.

He was treated at the time for a broken wrist but doctors missed the other life-threatening break.

John, who felt no specific pain in his neck, got on with an active life working on a farm, and playing football and cricket.

He even BOXED for 15 years at a gym with no idea that one “wrong” blow could kill him.

The break was only spotted when John went for a routine check-up with his GP last month.

He complained of pain when the doctor prodded his shoulders and neck — and a scan revealed the amazing truth.

John, of Yatton, Somerset, was rushed to hospital, where surgeons put an inch-long bolt in his neck to finally repair the fracture.

Now he has to put up with mickey-taking pals who call him Frankenstein.

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, "Six and Seven-Eighths."
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, "they just picked it out of a hat."

With this murder trial, I thee wed.

Love blossomed in a trial last year between alternate juror No. 3, Traci Nagy, and juror No. 6, Jonathan Cinkay. They picked up their marriage license last week, and Queens Supreme Court Justice Daniel Lewis, who presided over the case, is to marry them next month.

The Daily News reported Sunday that the two made goo-goo eyes on the first day of the trial. Fellow jurors encouraged Nagy, a 36-year-old market analyst, to date Cinkay, 33, a physical therapist. The two went out to lunch during one long break.

"From there it just grew," Nagy said. In the jury room they discussed movies, travel - everything but the case, which was banned from discussion. "It was a very good way to get to know someone," she said.

After the trial, Cinkay said he called Nagy "as soon as I got out the door" and proposed by year's end.

"My friends said to me, 'It would take a murder trial for you to meet the right person,'" he said.

Lewis said he knew during the trial there was something unusual about the jury.

"Some juries are serious, some are somber, but this jury seemed like it was full of beaming, happy people," the justice said. "I didn't imagine they were all playing matchmaker."

The warm feelings didn't do the murder defendant much good. He was convicted.

Two little old ladies were walking through the park one Sunday afternoon. The band was playing a catchy sounding tune, and one of the old ladies said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is". The other one noticed a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the names of their selections. I'll go down and see". A while later she came back and told her companion, "It's the Refrain from Spitting".

Unusually for this summer, it's a beautiful sunny start to the day, and the forecast for the rest of the day is good.

In about an hour's time I'll be able to sit in the garden and listen to the cricket commentary.

Brian May is completing his doctorate in astrophysics, more than 30 years after he abandoned his studies to form the rock group Queen.

The 60-year-old guitarist and songwriter said he plans to submit his thesis, "Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud," to supervisors at Imperial College London within the next two weeks.

May was an astrophysics student at Imperial College when Queen, which included Freddie Mercury and Roger Taylor, was formed in 1970. He dropped his doctorate as the glam rock band became successful.

Queen were one of Britain's biggest music groups in the 1970s, with hits including "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "We Will Rock You."

After Mercury's death in 1991, May recorded several solo albums, including 1998's "Another World." But his interest in astronomy continued, and he co-wrote "Bang! The Complete History of the Universe," which was published last year.

He was due to finish carrying out astronomical observations at an observatory on the island of La Palma, in Spain's Canary Islands, on Tuesday, the observatory said.

May told the British Broadcasting Corp. that he had always wanted to complete his degree.

"It was unfinished business," he said. "I didn't want an honorary Ph.D. I wanted the real thing that I worked for."

A Navy man who got mad when someone mocked him as a "nerd" over the Internet climbed into his car and drove 1,300 miles from Virginia to Texas to teach the other guy a lesson.

As he made his way toward Texas, Fire Controlman 2nd Class Petty Officer Russell Tavares posted photos online showing the welcome signs at several states' borders, as if to prove to his Internet friends that he meant business.

When he finally arrived, Tavares burned the guy's trailer down.

This week, Tavares, 27, was sentenced to seven years in prison after pleading no contest to arson and admitting he set the blaze.

"I didn't think anybody was stupid enough to try to kill anybody over an Internet fight," said John G. Anderson, 59, who suffered smoke inhalation while trying to put out the 2005 blaze that caused $50,000 in damage to his trailer and computer equipment.

The feud started when Anderson, who runs a haunted house near Waco, joined a picture-sharing Web site and posted his artwork and political views. After he blocked some people from his page because of insults and foul language, they retaliated by making obscene digitally altered pictures of him, he said.

Anderson, who went by the screen name "Johnny Darkness," traded barbs with Tavares, aka "PyroDice."

Investigators say Tavares boiled over when Anderson called him a nerd and posted a digitally altered photo making Tavares look like a skinny boy in high-water pants, holding a gun and a laptop under a "Revenge of the Nerds" sign.

Tavares obtained Anderson's real name and hometown from Anderson's Web page about his Museum of Horrors Haunted House.

Tavares took leave from his post as a weapons systems operator at the AEGIS Training and Readiness Center in Dahlgren, Va., and started driving. Investigators say he told them he planned to point a shotgun at Anderson and shoot his computer.

Instead, when he got to Elm Mott - after posting one last photo of a "Welcome to Texas" sign - Tavares threw a piece of gasoline-soaked plastic foam into the back of Anderson's mobile home and lit a flare, authorities say.

Tavares' attorney, Susan Kelly Johnston, said his trip to the Waco area was a last-minute decision during a cross-country trip to visit his parents in Arizona. She said he never intended to hurt Anderson and did not think he was in the trailer when he set the fire.

James Pack, an investigator with the McLennan County Sheriff's Office, caught up with Tavares after talking to people in several states and Spain who had been involved in the online feud. Tavares' cell phone records showed he was in the Waco area at the time of the fire, Pack said.

Tavares told investigators that Anderson had spread computer viruses and insulted his online friends for too long, Pack said.

"He lost everything - all over an Internet squabble," the investigator said.

Tavares was discharged last year from the Navy, where he earned several medals - including the pistol expert and rifle expert medals - in his nine-year career, said Navy spokesman Mike McLellan.

Tavares would not let the feud go even at his sentencing. According to Pack, Tavares took cell-phone photos of Anderson in the courtroom while the judge was hearing another case. Authorities ordered the photos erased.

Anderson, an ex-Marine who served in Vietnam, said he continues to be harassed online, has been startled by people knocking on his window late at night and found bullet holes in a door to his business.

He said he is convinced the harassment is related to the Internet feud and plans to spend $30,000 on more fencing topped with barbed wire.

"Before this happened, the rule was: Nobody messes with the haunted house guy," Anderson said.

Indonesian maid has been jailed for six days in Hong Kong for serving her boss a cup of water containing urine, a newspaper reported Wednesday.

The 29-year-old pleaded guilty to a charge of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substance with intent to injure," but insisted she had used the urine to treat a skin condition and its appearance in her employer's cup was a mistake.

Her boss, Szeto Ching-han, smelled the urine after asking for a cup of water, and then asked the maid to drink it -- which she did. Szeto, however, kept the liquid to have it tested in a lab, the South China Morning Post said.

The defense argued that the maid's employer had not drunk the urine and the substance was not poisonous.

"The only contact the former employer had with the so-called poisonous mixture was the smell," her lawyer was quoted as telling the court.

The magistrate who heard the case said there was no evidence that the maid had suffered any harm after drinking from the cup, but still gave the maid a six-day jail sentence, saying the court "must send a message to the public."

Maids from the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka are often the subject of court cases in richer neighbors such as Hong Kong and Singapore, but usually as the victims of rape or other abuse by their employers.

An Italian football fan has started putting up a gravestone every time his team loses a major match.
Inter Milan fan Massimo Pecorino, 52, has so far erected more than twenty on a local mountainside.

He says grave mistakes can only be marked by a grave where he buries his hopes and dreams, near his home town of Cortona.

Pecorino said: "Instead of enjoying a celebration I felt like I was at a funeral, so I spent the day carving out my fury on a stone."

Billy Elliot star Jamie Bell was so nervous about his first sex scene he tried to cover his manhood with a sock.

Jamie, 21, said getting naked in front of a 30-man crew for his new movie Hallam Foe was terrifying, reports The Sun.

He admitted: “I asked the director before filming if I could cover my intimate parts with socks, but he said no.

“For all the people around it was just another movie scene, but I was horribly nervous.”

This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".

This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".

Upset the manageress of a shop that is:

I was in Wilco earlier this morning and the tills were down, so no-one was being served.

Being the helpful person that I am, I suggested to the manageress that she grab a couple of calculators from the shelf and hand them to the young girls on the tills so that they could add up the customers' bills.

Apparently this was a shocking idea; she mentioned stock tracking and till reconciliation.

Fortunately for her, the tills then started working before I got the chance to get sarcastic.

This situation sums up exactly what is wrong with our society; no-one is prepared to take any initiative - they're only concerned about covering their backs. They'd rather not make a mistake than give their absolute best every day [and maybe make the odd mistake.]

Maybe I'm just too radical for Doncaster...I don't know.

Speeding fine riddle

A researcher has been slapped with a speeding ticket in Somerset - despite living 800 miles away in Germany.

Baffled Christopher Reynolds, 30, faces a £60 fine and penalty points unless he can prove he was not at the wheel.

He was notified by letter he had broken the 30mph limit on the A370 in Somerset on May 31, reports the Daily Mirror.

Christopher insists he was at work in Munich at the time and has neither driven for years, nor ever owned the car involved in the alleged offence.

He said: "There must be another Christopher Reynolds. It means their system is flawed."

The DVLA, which holds drivers' details, said: "If a driver says he was out of the country he has to prove he was not driving."

I was granted a real honour this morning; I ended up actually brandishing a sword that was owned by Oliver Cromwell.

Brian, the psychotherapist who runs the group therapy sessions has contacts with the Royal Amouries at Leeds and fetched it along for the day. I was the only person in the group at Doncaster invited to swing it about in the carpark.

It felt good to be actually touching the same metal as the Lord Protector had done three and half centuries earlier. I wanted to know more about its provenance; was it actually used in battle? However, Brian didn't know.

Guides seek safe sex badge

Girl guides say they need to know more about safe sex and assembling flat-pack furniture to prepare for 21st century life.

They also want instruction on how to manage debts and reduce the size of their carbon footprint, reports The Times.

The demands emerged in a survey of more than 1,000 Guides by Girlguiding UK, which is striving to keep itself relevant to the lives of young women.

A spokeswoman said that the movement would act on the findings and make sure that the appeal for more information on sex and money was met.

In the poll, senior Guides, who are aged over 16, said managing money was the most important skill to master as they contemplated leaving the family home.

“Practising safe sex” was placed fourth, with “assembling flat-pack furniture” eighth. Younger Guides, aged from 10 to 15, valued more traditional skills such as “cooking a healthy meal” and “pitching a tent”.

The youngest Guides, aged under 10, said that they wanted to know how to surf the web safely and how to cross the road.

Liz Burnley, the Chief Guide, said that the findings would be used to shape future Guiding programmes.

“As the UK’s largest youth organisation just for girls and young women, we prioritise giving girls the skills, experiences and opportunities they need to reach for new aspirations and succeed in the modern world,” she said.

“But these goalposts don’t stand still, which is why we constantly ask our members what they think, so that we can continue to be truly relevant to tomorrow’s young women.”

Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.

"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

"Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one," said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University.

The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illnesses.

After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours.

Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. "This is not a cat that's friendly to people," he said.

Oscar is better at predicting death than the people who work there, said Dr. Joan Teno of Brown University, who treats patients at the nursing home and is an expert on care for the terminally ill

She was convinced of Oscar's talent when he made his 13th correct call. While observing one patient, Teno said she noticed the woman wasn't eating, was breathing with difficulty and that her legs had a bluish tinge, signs that often mean death is near.

Oscar wouldn't stay inside the room though, so Teno thought his streak was broken. Instead, it turned out the doctor's prediction was roughly 10 hours too early. Sure enough, during the patient's final two hours, nurses told Teno that Oscar joined the woman at her bedside.

Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don't know he's there, so patients aren't aware he's a harbinger of death. Most families are grateful for the advanced warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure.

No one's certain if Oscar's behavior is scientifically significant or points to a cause. Teno wonders if the cat notices telltale scents or reads something into the behavior of the nurses who raised him.

Nicholas Dodman, who directs an animal behavioral clinic at the Tufts University Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine and has read Dosa's article, said the only way to know is to carefully document how Oscar divides his time between the living and dying.

If Oscar really is a furry grim reaper, it's also possible his behavior could be driven by self-centered pleasures like a heated blanket placed on a dying person, Dodman said.

Nursing home staffers aren't concerned with explaining Oscar, so long as he gives families a better chance at saying goodbye to the dying.

Oscar recently received a wall plaque publicly commending his "compassionate hospice care."

Europe's highest toilet has been built on the snow capped peak of France's Mont Blanc.

More than 30,000 visitors make their way to the peak each year and local mayor Jean-Marc Peillex said: "This move was much needed.

"Our beautiful mountain's white peak was full of yellow and brown spots in summer."

The two toilets were flown up Mont Blanc to a height of 4,260 metres.

A helicopter will also be used to empty the toilets on a daily basis at peak times for visitors.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

The Hell family says it may tell a Catholic school in Australia where to go after it objected to enrolling their son because of his name.

Officials said the boy had been offered a place at the St. Peter the Apostle school in the southern city of Melbourne after discussions between the principal, the parish priest and the family over his name.

But Alex Hell said he would rather send 5-year-old Max elsewhere because the school balked at taking the boy over his family name.

"We are the victims of our name," Hell said Monday.

Hell said he and his wife approached St. Peter the Apostle school about enrolling Max because the boy was being bullied at his current school because of his name, the Herald Sun newspaper reported on its Web site.

The Catholic school supported a plan to enroll Max using his mother's maiden name, Wembridge, but then withdrew its invitation when the parents changed their minds about the name, Hell said. The school backed down and offered Max a place only when Hell took the issue to the media, he said.

"The school has turned around and said Max can go there, but why would you want to go there after being victimized?" Hell said.

The family was considering moving to his wife's hometown to find a different school, he said.

Director of Catholic Education in Victoria state, Stephen Elder, said using the boy's mother's name was the parents' idea to "assist the child in the transition of schools."

"After discussions between the parish priest and principal, St. Peter the Apostle School has made an offer of enrollment to the student," Elder said in a statement. "The school is working with the family in the best interests of the child."

Hell said he had Austrian heritage and that the name means "bright."

Baseball player not signing enough autographs?

A sports memorabilia company is suing Boston Red Sox star David Ortiz -- claiming the popular slugger does not sign enough autographs.

Steiner Sports Marketing is seeking at least $1 million in damages from the 31-year-old Dominican, in a lawsuit filed on Friday in New York state court.

The lawsuit charged that Ortiz consistently fell short of the autograph quota to which he agreed and that he lent his autograph to competing companies.

Ortiz also failed to appear at signing sessions or at corporate meet-and-greet events, as his contract requires, the lawsuit said.

According to the suit, Ortiz entered into an exclusive contract with Steiner in 2004 to provide 8,000 autographed memorabilia for sale and to participate in up to four two-hour-long autograph sessions.

Representatives for Ortiz and the Red Sox were not immediately available for comment.

Tiny brain OK for civil servant

A man with an unusually tiny brain managed to live an entirely normal life as a civil servant.

Scans of the 44-year-old man's brain showed a huge fluid-filled chamber took up most of his skull.

French researchers say it left room for little more than a thin sheet of actual brain tissue.

"He was a married father of two children, and worked as a civil servant," Dr Lionel Feuillet of the Universite de la Mediterranee in Marseille wrote in a letter to the Lancet medical journal.

The man went to a hospital after he had mild weakness in his left leg.

When Dr Feuillet's staff took his medical history, they learned he had had a shunt inserted into his head to drain away water on the brain as an infant.

The researchers were astonished when scans showed a "massive enlargement" of the lateral ventricles - usually tiny chambers that hold the fluid that cushions the brain.

Intelligence tests showed the man had an IQ of 75, below the average score of 100 but not considered mentally retarded or disabled, either.

"What I find amazing to this day is how the brain can deal with something which you think should not be compatible with life," said Dr Max Muenke, a brain specialist at the National Human Genome Research Institute.

"If something happens very slowly over quite some time, maybe over decades, the different parts of the brain take up functions that would normally be done by the part that is pushed to the side."

Would-be PM sings wrong anthem

Belgium's prime minister-in-waiting is in trouble after it emerged he couldn't remember his country's national anthem.

Yves Leterme burst into the opening line of France's anthem La Marseillaise after TV reporters asked if he knew Belgium's La Brabanconne.

His gaffe was quickly posted on YouTube, attracting tens of thousands of viewers, reports the Daily Telegraph.

To make matters worse for Leterne, who has previously irked Belgium's French speakers by saying they were too stupid or unwilling to learn Flemish, he made the gaffe on Belgium's National Day.

He was then caught out by another question, again on television, revealing that he did not know why Belgium has its national day on July 21.

Leterme's response to the ensuing row has only alarmed his critics further.

"I have much more important things to do than this crap. Those who are after me will pay for it sooner or later," he said.

Here's a tip for aspiring college students: Make sure your applications don't warrant a visit from the bomb squad.

Emergency crews evacuated an Eastern Illinois University building Friday, after a campus postal carrier discovered a disheveled-looking package heading for the college's admissions office.

"There was no return address, it was poorly written, poorly addressed to the university, there were misspellings," school spokeswoman Vicki Woodard said Saturday. "There was some tape over it. Just the overall appearance was rather strange."

The stuffed-and-stained envelope was strange enough that police alerted the bomb squad.

Explosives investigators X-rayed the package and blocked off a nearby street before they discovered the envelope contained only an application to the 12,500-student school.

Woodard said the application came from somewhere in northern Illinois, but wouldn't comment on whether the bomb scare would affect the prospective student's chances of admission.

"I'm sure it'll be processed like any other application at this point," she said.

I've just had a bit of a disagreement with someone on the phone. This person phones me up about once every two months [it certainly sounds like the same person each time] and asks about various neighbours on the street. Each time I tell him that I don't have a clue who lives several houses away because all the properties are short-term lets; the tenants never staying for probably more than a year.

I think this person [who speaks with a broad Scottish accent] must work for a debt collection agency and this is why he's so keen to get in touch with these people. Anyhow, a few minutes ago I'd had enough and so I pre-empted what he was going to say and told him that I don't know who lives at number 51 and no, I'm not prepared to push a note through their letterbox with his contact number on.

This is harrassment and I'm not prepared to be polite any more. The previous time he phoned up I told him to remove my details from their database and not contact me any more.

All this hassle I'm getting and I'm registered with the Telephone Preference Service - but, of course, these aren't telemarketing calls are they? So I suppose the legislation doesn't apply.

Armed police went into action in the German city of Wuppertal after a woman reported seeing a masked criminal -- but having rushed to the scene, they were surprised to find not a crook, but a large stuffed toy.

The woman was returning late at night to her car in an indoor car park when she saw the suspected brigand through the window of a parked van, police said Thursday.

Though she later admitted to only catching a glimpse in the darkness, she was sufficiently alarmed to alert the authorities.

Armed officers arrived in three cars and surrounded the van. What they found was a large toy beaver, strapped into the passenger seat.

A police spokesman said he struggled to see how the toy, which has two oversized front teeth, could have been mistaken for a person.

She is a latecomer to the information superhighway, but 75-year-old Sigbritt Lothberg is now cruising the Internet with a dizzying speed. Lothberg's 40 gigabits-per-second fiber-optic connection in Karlstad is believed to be the fastest residential uplink in the world, Karlstad city officials said.

In less than 2 seconds, Lothberg can download a full-length movie on her home computer - many thousand times faster than most residential connections, said Hafsteinn Jonsson, head of the Karlstad city network unit.

Jonsson and Lothberg's son, Peter, worked together to install the connection.

The speed is reached using a new modulation technique that allows the sending of data between two routers placed up to 1,240 miles apart, without any transponders in between, Jonsson said.

"We wanted to show that that there are no limitations to Internet speed," he said.

Peter Lothberg, who is a networking expert, said he wanted to demonstrate the new technology while providing a computer link for his mother.

"She's a brand-new Internet user," Lothberg said by phone from California, where he lives. "She didn't even have a computer before."

His mother isn't exactly making the most of her high-speed connection. She only uses it to read Web-based newspapers.

A woman has been arrested on suspicion of kissing a painting by American artist Cy Twombly and smudging the bone-white canvas with her lipstick, French judicial officials said Saturday.

Police said they arrested the woman after she kissed the work on Thursday. She is to be tried in a court in the southern city of Avignon on Aug. 16 for "damage to a work of art," judicial officials said.

The painting, which is worth an estimated $2 million, was on display at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Avignon. It is part of an exhibition slated to run at the museum through Sept. 30. Officials did not provide further details on the painting.

Twombly is known for his abstract paintings combining painting and drawing techniques, repetitive lines and the use of graffiti, letters and words.

Born in Lexington, Va., in 1928, Twombly has lived in Italy for nearly a half- century. He won the prestigious Golden Lion award at the Venice Biennale in 2001.

COBRA is an acronym used to denote the meeting of the UK government's co-ordinated crisis committee - it's been meeting regularly during the recent flooding crisis.

The name might seem a bit dramatic; but it's not really. The initials stand for 'Cabinet Office Briefing Room A' - not very exciting.

(From the Newseum)
1. 1945: U.S. drops atomic bombs on Hiroshima, Nagasaki: Japan surrenders to end World War II
2. 1969: American astronaut Neil Armstrong becomes the first human to walk on the moon
3. 1941: Japan bombs Pearl Harbor: U.S. enters World War II
4. 1903: Wilbur and Orville Wright fly the first powered airplane
5. 1920: Women win the vote
6. 1963: President John F. Kennedy assassinated in Dallas
7. 1945: Horrors of Nazi Holocaust, concentration camps exposed
8. 1914: World War I begins in Europe
9. 1954: Brown v. Board of Education ends "separate but equal" school segregation
10. 1929: U.S. stock market crashes: depression sets in

A US woman has told how she "recovered" hundreds of dollars eaten by her pet dog.

Debbie Hulleman's dog Pepper had wolfed down $750, the equivalent of £365, reports Metro News.

Pepper had previously eaten lipstick canisters, shampoo bottles, ball point pens, and toothpaste.

"This is probably the worst," said Ms Hulleman as she told how she recovering most of the money from dog droppings and vomit.

Pepper got into a purse belonging to a friend of her mother's and chewed the cash from an envelope while Mrs Hulleman and her husband were on holiday.

Her mother recovered some of the money after Pepper spat it out - and thought she had recovered it all.

But when Hulleman returned from the trip and went to clean up her dogs' mess outside, she noticed a $50 bill in one pile.

The family gradually recovered $647 and swapped it for fresh currency at a bank.

"It wasn't that bad. I soaked it and strained it and rinsed it. I just kept rinsing it and rinsing it. I had rubber gloves on of course," she said.

"Everyone said, "I can't believe you did that." Well, for $400, yeah, I would do that."

A round-the-clock television channel devoted exclusively to ageing, dying and death is to be launched in Germany.

Eos TV will feature documentaries about graveyards, televised obituaries, tips on finding a decent retirement home and even how to install in-house stair lifts.

Wolf Tilmann Schneider, 51, a former TV producer, has joined forces with Germany's funeral association to launch the 24-hour, seven days a week channel on cable television and the internet.

He said: "More than 800,000 people died in Germany last year. Multiply that by four and you have a rough estimate of the number of relatives affected.

"They will be our target audience. We are convinced that Eos TV will attract viewers."

The channel aims to capitalise on the changing demographics in a country that has one of the lowest birth rates in the world.

Last year there were almost 150,000 more deaths than births, and an estimated 2.1 million elderly people were receiving professional care.

Viewers who tune into Eos TV can expect to be entertained by documentaries highlighting the beauty and tranquillity of graveyards both in Germany and abroad.

"It may come as a surprise, but older people really enjoy visiting cemeteries - not just to mourn, but for their peace and quiet," Mr Schneider said.

(The Royal National Theatre of Britain)

1. Waiting for Godot (Samuel Beckett)
2. Death of a Salesman (Arthur Miller)
3. A Streetcar Named Desire (Tennessee Williams)
4. Look Back in Anger (John Osborne)
5. Long Day's Journey into Night (Eugene O'Neill)
6. The Crucible (Arthur Miller)
7. Private Lives (Noël Coward)
8. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead (Tom Stoppard)
9. Angels in America (Tony Kushner)
10. The Caretaker (Harold Pinter)

I used to watch a lot of live theatre [and still would if I had the opportunity] but have only seen numbers 2 and 3. I've never heard of number nine on the list.

Cop mistook canal for road

A German policeman left a Wiltshire pub and drove straight into a canal after mistaking it for a wet road.

Jozef Cene, 38, drove out of the car park at midnight, stopped by the canal, indicated and plunged into the water.

Locals at the Barge Inn in Honeystreet, Wiltshire, waded in to free Jozef from his submerged Fiat Punto, reports the Sun.

His legs were trapped in the car door by the water pressure, but rescuers managed to haul him to safety from the chest-high canal.

Berlin policeman Jozef was breathalysed but it proved negative. The hire car was later winched out.

He said: "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out."

Pipe welder Patrick Povey, 25, who jumped in to help Jozef, said: "I was having a drink and the next thing I knew this chap drove his car straight into the canal."

Jennings Police Department employee, Eleanor Beal was just crossing the street to go to work when something dropped from the sky.

The sky wasn't falling. She says it was worms, large tangled clumps of them.

Beal says, "When I saw that they were crawling, I said, 'It's worms! Get out of the way!'"

She even called her co-worker outside to prove she wasn't making it up.

Sure enough, she saw worms, and globs of them.

Where they came from is a mystery, but some believe that a water spout spotted less than five miles away at that same time near Lacassine Bayou could have something to do with it.

Eleanor Beal says she hopes she doesn't see it again.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

- An elderly man nearing death who wants to give something back to the world, or just a prankster?

The mystery of who is leaving envelopes of 10,000 yen ($82) bills in men's toilets at government offices around Japan has gripped the nation this week despite the existence of far weightier issues, such as a looming election.

Since April 9, some 4 million yen ($32,720) has been found in men's rooms from the northernmost island of Hokkaido to the southern island of Okinawa, Japanese media say. Virtually all has been found in government office buildings.

The bills are individually wrapped in traditional Japanese "washi" paper with the word "remuneration" handwritten on the outside in ink.

Each comes with a handwritten letter in formal wording evoking Buddhist language, saying the giver hopes the money will be "useful for your pursuit of knowledge."

Newspapers have devoted lengthy articles to speculation about the identity of the unknown benefactor, and the mystery dominated evening news programs on Wednesday. One domestic news agency even sent out urgent alerts as the number of bills found mounted.

The only thing everyone agrees on, given where the money is found, is that the person leaving them is a man.

The wording of the letter suggests a man with strong religious beliefs to some experts quoted in the media, while others think he is a former civil servant trying to cheer those in the same job, often the target of citizen anger.

Still others believe the message may actually be a sarcastic reproof telling civil servants to clean up their act.

Handwriting experts say the letters are all written by the same person, whose shaky handwriting suggests somebody elderly or seriously ill, and note that the writing has worsened over the months since the first set of bills was found.

"The fact that the letters end with the phrase 'please be happy' points to somebody who's unhappy themselves -- who's perhaps facing up to their death and wants to give something back to the world," the Asahi Shimbun quoted one expert as saying.

But others think the man is a prankster who wants to create a stir in society while remaining unknown. Their proof is that the envelopes are left in toilets -- which lack security cameras.

The money has been handed to the police, but if nobody claims the cash within six months it will be given to the finders.

($1=122.20 Yen)

A woman who hates spiders is crediting them with helping save her from a house fire. Danielle Vigue, 18, says she awoke early Tuesday to find spiders in her room, and started killing them. When more showed up, she says she went across the hall and got into bed with her 15-year-old sister, Lauren.

"At first there were five, they were all around the light fixture," Danielle Vigue told The Saginaw News. "I hate spiders, they freak me out."

A fire, the newspaper said, apparently was smoldering in the attic of the home about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

A few hours later, Vigue's 48-year-old mother, Debra, and 8-year-old sister, Shelby, smelled smoke, and flames greeted the family when they opened the door to the room Danielle Vigue had earlier left.

"I will never kill another spider again," she told WNEM-TV in Saginaw.

Richland Township Fire Chief Gary Wade, a 30-year veteran of the Saginaw County department, was surprised by Vigue's story.

"I've never heard of spiders saving someone from a fire before," Wade said.

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

Religious Book Seller Struck By Lightning

HIALEAH A man making a trip from Puerto Rico to South Florida to raise money for his religious education remains hospitalized Monday after he was struck down by a bolt of lightning which flew from clear blue sky on Sunday. He was selling religious materials when he was hit.

Hailu Kidane Marian was working with members of his religious group, selling religious materials door-to-door in a Northwest Miami-Dade neighborhood, when the bolt from the blue struck him down.

"I heard a boom, and I looked and the guy jumped back, and he just laid there, stiff," said witness Maria Martinez.

Paramedics say Marian was not breathing and his heart was not beating when they arrived, but they were able to revive him and rushed him to Jackson Memorial hospital, where he was in critical condition Sunday night.

Members of his religious group waited outside the hospital throughout the night for word of his condition.

"He's unconscious, he's in a coma," said Francisco Perez, leader of the Puerto Rico-based group. "It's difficult what happened, you know, but what can we do? Things happen in life, but we still believe in God."

This is the second incident in as many months of someone being struck down by lightning from a clear sky in South Florida.

Last month David Canales, a gardener who worked in the Pinecrest area, was killed when lightning apparently struck him from a rainless sky. Two co-workers standing nearby were unhurt.

CBS4 Meteorologist Jeff Berardelli said 'dry lightning', which can strike even when the sky is clear, can be very dangerous because victims are not expecting it and don't prepare as they might with a storm threatening.

Measurement of lightning strikes in the area Sunday showed only a few bolts compared to the last few days, making Marian especially unlucky to be struck by one of them.

Nobody else was injured when the bolt flew from the sky.

A dog with a cigarette habit is suffering withdrawal following the smoking ban.

Sarah and John Taylor, both smokers, have taken pet collie Archie to their local since he was a pup, reports the Daily Mirror.

Sarah said: "He couldn't get enough of looking at people smoking and if one stubbed out, he switched his attention to another.

"He loved to sniff it and just watch it drift through the air. It's a bit bizarre I know but he seems to be well and truly hooked."

Now two-year-old Archie has gone into withdrawal without his nicotine fix and gets fidgety and snappy at the pub in Shaldon, Devon.

Sarah, 33, added: "A smoke-free pub is going to make him very unhappy.

"The locals have been joking that we'll have to get him a nicotine patch to wear - but I think a type of nicotine dog biscuit would be better."

CHiPs star never passed his bike test

TV biker cop Erik Estrada has revealed he never passed his motorcycle test.

Estrada played highway patrol officer Punch in 1970s hit CHiPs, reports The Sun.

But he never actually had a motorcycle licence for real.

Estrada, now 58, had to hurriedly arrange a bike test when he was assigned to the California Highway Patrol for a new reality TV show.

And it took him three attempts to pass before he could appear on Back To The Grind which gets actors to try their TV jobs.

Estrada said: "I always wanted to be a cop, but it's much harder in real life than when you act."

A Taiwan shopkeeper says his pet dog is so clever she can serve customers.

The dog, named Hello, also goes to other shops to do the man's shopping for him.
Hello sells betel nuts, known locally as penang, in the man's store in Pingdong city, reports the China News Network.
"She knows how to open the fridge, pick up the penang, and put it on the counter, then collect the money from the customers. Many people just come to be served by her," says the owner.
Hello also goes shopping by herself. She carries a plastic bag, containing money and a shopping list, in her mouth.
If there is a queue she waits in line and, when it is her turn to be served, puts her front legs on the counter and drops the bag in front of the shopkeeper.
Her owner says the only problem is that on hot days she prefers to stay in the cool shop rather than hurry home afterwards.
"Every time she goes shopping in summer, I tell her beforehand: "Come home early, don't stay there for the coolness"," he said.

Player finds tooth stuck in head

Czislowski has played for Brisbane and Canterbury in the NRL
An Australian rugby league player competed for more than four months with an opponent's tooth buried in his head.

Former NRL prop Ben Czislowski needed stitches above his left eye after clashing heads with a rival on 1 April.

But Czislowski later suffered an eye infection and shooting pains until a doctor discovered the cause last week.

"I can laugh about it now but the doctor told me it could have been serious," said the 24-year-old, who now keeps the tooth on his bedside table.

Czislowski, who was playing for Brisbane team Wynnum when he clashed heads with Matt Austin, said he was prepared to mail the tooth back to its rightful owner but was holding onto it until then as proof of his bizarre injury.

Tweed Heads forward Austin lost several teeth in the incident and also broke his jaw.

In 2004, Widnes hooker Shane Millard also had an opponent's tooth removed from his head.

Two years earlier, Wigan's Jamie Ainscough's arm became so badly infected there were fears it would be amputated before the source - an imbedded tooth - was discovered.

A missing staple from a court document has allowed two murderers found guilty of one of Australia's most brutal killings to appeal against their convictions.

Under a technical loophole, the murderers will argue that an earlier lost appeal was not finalized because the indictment paperwork was never fixed to the court file as required by law.

"It just seems so wrong," said Bev Balding, mother of Janine Balding who was abducted and brutally gang raped and drowned by a group of men on the outskirts of Sydney in 1988.

Balding's murderers are serving life sentences, with a judge's recommendation they never to be released.

"How do they know someone has not removed the staple on purpose? You can't rely on the law when it relies on a solitary staple," Bev Balding told reporters Monday.

The New South Wales (NSW) state government said it was looking at ways to close the technical loophole.

"I understand that closing this loophole through an amendment to the court rules of the supreme court is currently being considered...to avoid it being an issue of discussion in any future case," said NSW acting state premier John Watkins.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death. An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

A 38-year-old man was arrested after he called 911 and told a dispatcher he was surrounded by police officers and needed help, authorities said.

Police officers met Dana Farrell Shelton after being called to investigate a disturbance at a bar on Sunday but had found no problems and told him to move along.

Shelton, who officers said appeared intoxicated, then called 911 to report he was "surrounded by Largo police," according to an arrest affidavit.

"Our officers were standing there scratching their heads. He called, standing there in their presence," Largo Sgt. Melanie Holley said. "It's one of our 'truth is stranger than fiction' cases."

Shelton was charged with misdemeanor misuse of 911. The charge carries maximum penalties of one year in jail and $1,000 in fines.

I'm currently listening to Test Match Special, the live cricket commentary from Lord's. It seems like a couple of the commentators/summarisers have been having problems. Henry Blofeld accidently cut his nose whilst shaving, and Jonathan Agnew opened his suitcase to find he'd packed two right shoes.

Fortunately it's only radio.

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

I came across an interesting and unusual idea yesterday concerning someone who has Sitemeter installed on his blog and lists each search term used to find his blog and then adds a brief comment on the subject...no matter how strange it might be.

Unfortunately, because of something to do with javascript and cookies which I don't understand, I'm not able to get all the free features offered by Sitemeter on this blog; I think I can only identify internal searches within the blogsite.

A snake slithered out of the engine compartment of a man's SUV when he stopped to get gasoline, causing a bit of commotion at the station. Scott Naylor was at a Wawa convenience store in the city on Friday morning when a woman at the gas pump next to him began yelling, police said.

A boa constrictor more than 5 feet long was emerging from Naylor's engine compartment, police said. It slithered out to the store's parking lot, where police were able to capture it.

"It created quite a traffic jam there, because everybody wanted to see the snake," said police Detective Mark DiLuzio said. "(It's) something you don't see every day in a Wawa parking lot."

Naylor told authorities the snake wasn't his and that he had no clue it was in his vehicle, police said.

A wildlife control expert suggested the cold-blooded snake, which might have been an escaped pet, went up into Naylor's engine block to keep warm.

- A German bus driver threatened to throw a 20-year-old sales clerk off his bus in the southern town of Lindau because he said she was too sexy, a newspaper reported Monday.

"Suddenly he stopped the bus," the woman named Debora C. told Bild newspaper. "He opened the door and shouted at me 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus.'"

The woman, pictured in Bild wearing her snug-fitting summer clothes with the plunging neckline, said she moved to another seat but was humiliated by the bus driver.

A spokesman for the bus company defended the driver.

"The bus driver is allowed to do that and he did the right thing," the spokesman said. "A bus driver cannot be distracted because it's a danger to the safety of all the passengers."

Pagans have pledged to perform "rain magic" to wash away cartoon character Homer Simpson who was painted next to their famous fertility symbol - the Cerne Abbas giant.

'It's very disrespectful'
The 17th century chalk outline of the naked, sexually aroused, club-wielding giant is believed by many to be a symbol of ancient spirituality.
Many couples also believe the 180ft giant, which is carved in the hillside above Cerne Abbas, Dorset, is an aid to fertility.
A giant 180ft Homer Simpson brandishing a doughnut was painted next to the well-endowed figure in a publicity stunt to promote The Simpsons Movie released later this month.

It has been painted with water-based biodegradable paint which will wash away as soon as it rains.
Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: "It's very disrespectful and not at all aesthetically pleasing.
"We were hoping for some dry weather but I think I have changed my mind. We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away."
She added: "I'm amazed they got permission to do something so ridiculous. It's an area of scientific interest."

I've just bought three pairs of trousers for £4 each in the sale; a black pair, a dark gray pair and a brown pair. These seem to be a real bargain to me, considering that it also costs me £4 to make a return bus journey of only fifteen miles to visit my parents.

I can't recall even approximate figures; but over twenty years ago a pair of trousers would have certainly cost several/many times more than a return bus trip into town.

I'm aware of the economics of the situation whereby the trousers are manufactured in China where the workers receive very low wages, whereas in Doncaster the bus driver probably gets something like a living wage and the cost of fuel, insurance etc. is relatively high; but I'm personally convinced that the real cost of public transport [taking into account wages and inflation] has increased a lot.

I already knew about this, but yesterday I was reading a report online and so thought I'd mention it.

Transport For London isn't self-financing and so the annual shortfall is funded by a central government grant; meaning that the rest of the country subsidises public transport in the capital.

Why is this so, and how can it be justified?

I like to watch documentaries and current affairs programmes on TV. Tonight at 8 o'clock three current affairs programmes are on at the same time; Panorama, Tonight and Dispatches. I can't even record one of them because my VCR is coupled up to the TV set upstairs which doesn't have an aerial.

Thank you BBC, ITV and Channel 4 for your consideration.

STUNNED nature-lover Dorothy Berry was ticked off by her local council over noise — from BIRDSONG in her garden.

The official note from environmental health warned of “a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing”.

Great gran Dorothy said last night: “When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about.

“I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house.

“But I really don’t see what we can do about that.”

The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong “arising from your premises during the early hours”.

It went on: “In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence.

“If so, your prompt action in resolving this matter will be appreciated.”

But Dorothy, 65, of Fulham, West London, has not kept birds INSIDE her home since her beloved pet cockatiel died last year.

She added: “We have so much wildlife, it’s so beautiful. The frogs croak in the pond - maybe they are doing that too loudly?”

Dorothy phoned the environmental health officer who wrote the letter.

He told her it could not be proved where the birdsong was coming from.

The officer visited the house of the person who complained — but could not hear any birdsong from Dorothy’s home in the early hours.

He phoned next day to say she had “no case to answer”.

Dorothy said: “You would have thought the council would have had better things to do.”

A spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said: “We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers.

“But we must investigate all complaints from residents — however bizarre they may appear.”

An 87-year-old man gave his relatives a shock in Taiwan - when he woke up at his own funeral.

The man's relatives were in a Buddhist mourning hall, reciting prayers over the dead body, when it gasped and woke up, the Shanghai Daily reports.

The family had been told by the hospital which had been treating the man that the only thing keeping him alive were oxygen hoses, and that he would die quickly if they were removed.

The family opted to take him out of the hospital so that he could die at home.

They removed the oxygen hoses, dressed him in funeral clothes, and placed him in the mourning hall - until he started breathing heavily.

The family sent him back to the hospital. Doctors are reportedly baffled as to his impressive recovery.

Inmates of an Indian prison are reportedly refusing to apply for bail because the food is so good.

Parappana Agrahara prison in Bangalore is crowded with 4,700 inmates, more than twice its capacity.

Criminals are refusing to apply for bail to get out while juvenile offenders are lying about their age to get in, reports the Bangalore Mirror.

The paper says the reason is healthy food being served by ISKCON, or the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, a Hindu evangelist organisation.

ISKCON, commonly known as the Hare Krishna movement, started serving its pure-vegetarian fare in the jail in May under contract from the prisons department.

Lunch and dinner typically include piping hot rice, two vegetables and a spicy lentil dish called sambar and buttermilk.

A dessert is added on festival days and national holidays like Independence Day, and also once a week.

Prisoner Raja Reddy, who has been arrested 20 times in 30 years for theft, robbery and burglary, said: "When we are getting tasty, nutritious food three times a day here, why should we go out and commit crimes."

Villagers told: Wear hat and carry brolly to stay safe from birds

FAMILIES have been warned to protect themselves from marauding gulls - with hats and umbrellas.
Bird experts say they can do nothing about the flocks of huge gulls which are terrorising the Fife coast until baby birds have flown the nests.
People in Buckhaven say the gulls are swooping on kids in scenes straight out of the horror film The Birds.
But the RSPB say all they can do is wear hats, carry brollies and wave their arms.
One resident, Anne Ferguson, 52, said she'd seen several people attacked - and was attacked herself when she tried to help a chick which had fallen from its nest.
But Fife Council told her it would be too costly to have all the houses fitted with devices to stop the birds landing.
And the RSPB said it was illegal to disturb the birds while they are nesting.
Anne said: "I can't take my four-month-old grandson and three-year-old grand-daughter outside into the garden.
"They haven't hurt the children but they brush them with their wings to frighten them and, believe me, it can be terrifying."
Betting shop manager Adam Taylor, 26, fears for his young son Logan and niece Abbie.
He said: "It is ridiculous to suggest that all we can do is carry umbrellas, flap our arms around and wear hats.
"We had a young gull in our garden for seven months.
"It terrorised us. And it would try to go for our baby's pram."
Fife Council said they had no duty to take action against seagulls.

In two months' time I'll have been living in Doncaster for ten years.

Back in 1997 the Sunday Times cost 90p; now it's £2.

The cheapest ticket at the local cinema was £1.50...it's recently gone up to £3.50.

So. Gordon Brown reckons he's cured inflation?

A musician has launched a blog to try to find a cure for the hiccups which have plagued him for five months.

Christopher Sands says he has not slept or eaten properly since the bout began in February, reports the Daily Telegraph.

The 23-year-old, from Lincoln, has been recording his experience on the social networking site MySpace in 'The hiccup diary'.

One entry reads: "Just had a really bad attack, I couldn't breathe.... I have tears streaming out of my eyes... really bad. I'm literally (sic) getting my breath back now... that was bad."

Mr Sands said the affliction - caused by a sudden involuntary squeezing of the diaphragm - makes him vomit after meals and has even landed him in hospital.

"Everyday is the same, all the time less and less sleep, less creative energy, less smiling... someone remove my hiccups please," he writes.

He has tried every home remedy, from drinking water from the opposite side of a glass to holding his breath, and has now enlisted the help of friends travelling abroad in the hope they may come across a cure.

He believes the problem may stem from an acid reflux problem he was diagnosed with as a child, which means a valve in his stomach is damaged, but he said that doctors have so far been unable to help.

The only thing that brings relief, he says, is drinking alcohol.

A lot of fireworks have been let off in Doncaster tonight. I don't know why this is. All that I'm aware of, is that it's Bastille Day in France.

Police in Iran are reported to have taken 14 squirrels into custody - because they are suspected of spying.

Britain's latest secret weapon?
The rodents were found near the Iranian border allegedly equipped with eavesdropping devices.
The reports have come from the official Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA).
When asked about the confiscation of the spy squirrels, the national police chief said: "I have heard about it, but I do not have precise information."
The IRNA said that the squirrels were kitted out by foreign intelligence services - but they were captured two weeks ago by

A council has ordered a green-fingered couple to remove a flower display from their house - because it's too pretty.

Barry and Betty Atack were told a trellis on their 200-year-old home "detracts from the area's architectural simplicity."

Betty said: "We rang the council and a lady said our house was 'too pretty'. They don't want us to have hanging baskets either. It's potty."

Lancaster City Council claim the 72-year-olds - who have won trophies for their garden in Poulton, Lancs - agreed to maintain the house's character after getting a £6,000 renovation grant, reports The Sun.

But defiant Betty said: "That trellis was there before they started. It's staying. They can send me to jail if they like."

Shuttle's Name Misspelled On NASA Launch Pad Sign Someone Called Kennedy Space Center NASA To Fix Typo The first NASA sign at launch pad 39A encouraging the next launch of space shuttle Endeavour at Kennedy Space Center was misspelled and noticed by someone looking at the craft. When the shuttle rolled out from the Vehicle Assembly Building Wednesday, a giant "Go Endeavour" sign was put on a fence in front of the craft. However, one item was missing from the sign: the "u" in Endeavour. Someone spotted the mistake and called KSC to fix it, WKMG-TV reported. NASA scrambled someone out to pad 39A with a new sign that has orbiter Endeavour's name spelled correctly. A photo with the correct spelling was also posted on the Kennedy Space Center's Web site. The orbiter is named after HM Bark Endeavour, the ship commanded by 18th century explorer James Cook; the name also honored Endeavour, the Command Module of Apollo 15. This is why the name is spelled in the British English manner, according to Answers.com.

Ken Davenport, producer of the Off-Broadway hits Altar Boyz and The Awesome 80s Prom, today announced that virgins will get a free ticket to the first performance of My First Time, the new play in the style of The Vagina Monologues "featuring four actors in hysterical and heartbreaking stories about first sexual experiences written by real people . . . just like you."

Press notes state, "On hand to verify the virgins will be Sebastian Black, a well-respected certified hypnotherapist, serving as the human lie detector! Black is one of New York’s most sought after mentalists, psychic entertainers and mind readers. He holds degrees in Hypnotherapy and has a practice in his hometown of Nyack, New York. He has appeared on 'Change of Heart,' 'Inside Edition' and a pilot for the Oxygen Network. Sebastian Black can be usual be found as an advisor in the boardroom or speaking at meetings for America's top corporations. He will be appearing in his one-man show If I Were Really Psychic..? beginning in September at The Duplex Cabaret Theater."

Black will hold a brief interview with all of the alleged virgins starting at 7 PM on Thursday, July 12th, immediately prior to the show's first performance. Black will immediately determine if the individual still has their ‘v-card’ based on the interview.

There is a very limited number of tickets available for this “First Time” promotion .

Erection keeps burglar out of jail

A German burglar has escaped a prison sentence - because he suffers from a permanent erection.

Maurice Baumann, 32, was sentenced to a year's jail for burgling homes in the British army garrison town of Bielefeld.

But he escaped prison after entering hospital as an "emergency case" for his unrelenting priapism.

After a week's treatment, doctors admitted they were only able to get his manhood down to "half-mast".

Baumann told a court in Bielefeld: "I woke up one morning with a hard-on. I didn't think anything of it - that happens to men a lot. But mine never went down."

A medical report revealed that doctors stuck needles in his manhood for 90 minutes in an attempt to reduce its size. But five minutes later it was erect again.

They also injected medication into it but that didn't help either.

A court ruled that he could stay out of jail while his problem persisted but the chief prosecutor of Bielefeld is not happy.

Harald Krahmoeller said: "Only patients with acute medical problems can stay out of jail and I don't regard him as an acute case. I hope to have him behind bars within two weeks."

Food in the Freezer:
If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

Food in Fridge:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway...if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from several block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat. For other items, you know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). Food in the Pantry:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball, should be disposed of very carefully.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
Salt never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. (Put them in your will.)
If your grandmother made the vinegar, it is probably still good.
Expiration Dates: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods, older than you are, need replacing. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen

Smokers are still puffing away happily in pubs in Stoke-on-Trent and will be for another three weeks.

Thanks to blundering council bosses it is the only place in Britain where you can still light up in pubs and clubs.

Officials failed to get enforcement powers approved in time for the July 1 ban and won't get them in place until the beginning of August.

Delighted smokers are puffing away in the city's 400 pubs without fear of an on-the-spot £50 fine.

At the Smithfield Bar customers are greeted with the sign "Welcome to Smoke-on-Trent".

Landlord Dax Robateau, who spent £21,000 on building an outside smoking area, said: "We were all ready for July 1.

"Now it seems that the only people who weren't ready were the council. I'm going to allow customers to carry on smoking until August."

The city's public health director Dr Giri Rajaratnam said: "We're certain most people and businesses will stick to the law."

The city council explained: "We don't have enforcement powers because Stoke has both a mayor and a council manager.

"We thought enforcement powers were delegated to the director of community services - but they weren't."

To do is to be - Socrates
To be is to do - Plato
Do be do be do - Sinatra

A Welshman flew halfway around the world for a friend's wedding - a year early.

Toronto-based teacher Dave Barclay jetted 3,500 miles across the Atlantic, reports the Daily Telegraph.

His mistake came after pal Dave Best, of Cardiff, sent him an email in which he mentioned he was getting married on July 6.

Mr Barclay said: "So I booked my ticket, paid £500 to fly into Cardiff, got the old suit cleaned, the goatee trimmed, the head shaved - I was going to be the belle of the ball.

"I called his mum to find his number and then I called him up and I said, 'When and where is this wedding? It's in a couple of days and I'd just like to know where I'm going'.

"He said to me, 'Mate it's not this year, it's next year. 2008 not 2007."'

Mr Barclay now feels more than a little embarrassed - but says he has at least provided some amusement for his friends.

"They're having a great time. They keep asking me the time, showing me today's newspaper, calling me the time traveller," he said.

"At least it has assured me a mention in the speech next year, I reckon. Same time next year - I'll be there."

An office worker for the US city of Detroit is suing for her colleagues to be banned from wearing perfume which gives her such severe headaches, nausea and coughing fits that she must leave work.

Court documents showed Thursday that Susan McBride suffered so acutely from allergy to the chemicals in scents, lotions and sprays that she had to go home sick when a heavily perfumed co-worker shared her office at the city's historic districts department.

Her sensitivity is such that she avoids the detergent sections in shops and cannot sit near perfumed people in a movie theater or on the bus.

The co-worker refused to leave off the perfume, according to the complaint filed at the district court in Detroit, in the northern state of Michigan. McBride needed medical treatment and was off work for some time.

Now she is seeking a jury trial to make the city force fellow employees to come to work un-scented, citing disability discrimination laws. She is claiming unspecified damages for "pain, suffering, humiliation and outrage" suffered.

McBride and her manager have already asked the city authorities that employ her to enforce a "no scent policy as an accommodation to her disability, without success," the complaint said

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if
the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your
copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right
to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright
the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite,
and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write.
His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the
copyright can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write
right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that
rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright
would have the right to right.

Right?

I wrote yesterday that I'd got hold of a copy of the film 'Drowning By Numbers'. It's a strange art film and certainly not to everyone's taste…but I find it fascinating. One of the running themes throughout is the playing of obscure [and mostly totally invented] games.

I've found a website that explains the rules of these games; I don't think some of them will be suitable for dinner parties though.

Here's a list of the games:

Dawn Card Castles
Flights Of Fancy or Reverse Strip Jump
Sheep & Tides
The Great Death Game
Deadman's Catch
Bees In The Trees
Hangman's Cricket
Tug Of War
The Hare And Hounds
The Endgame

Here's the link.

I'm not having any success with my recent poetry submissions. So far this week I've received two rejection letters; both telling me that the magazines are no longer published.

It must be due to the internet and online publishing I suppose.

I've been wanting to buy a cheap copy of this film for years and finally picked one up this morning on the market for 50p. It's an intriguing and intense film; you can't afford to miss a frame.

To quote from one of the reviews:
'Three generations of women share a name and an aversion to marriage. Three husbands have reason to be afraid of water. Add to the equation, one amorous coroner and one inventive little boy, and so begins the game.'

Doctors report evidence of "anniversary reaction"

A woman whose defibrillator activated one week to the hour after her father died, and recorded the event, may provide the first documented evidence of "anniversary reaction", doctors reported.

The defibrillator acted as a pacemaker, perhaps saving the 50-year-old woman's life. Its function of keeping a precise record of when it was activated made it possible to establish the precise time of the event, the doctors reported.

In a dramatic extra twist to the story, the patient was standing by the open grave of her sister-in-law, who had herself died when she heard the news of the father's death.

Dr. Michael Sweeney of Brigham and Women's Hospital and Harvard Medical School in Boston and Dr. Michael Quill of the University of Rochester School of Medicine in New York reported on the occurrence in the journal HeartRhythm.

"We have all, almost to the point of being urban legend, heard stories of people literally dropping dead upon receipt of tragic news ... or a widower dying on the anniversary of his deceased spouse's (death)," Sweeney said in a telephone interview.

No one could really prove it, but the case of the woman, who had had the defibrillator implanted after an earlier heart attack, may provide good evidence, he said.

Sweeney said he learned of the story when the woman came into his office for a routine checkup. He noticed that the defibrillator -- a device that sits quietly in a patient's body until an abnormal heart rhythm activates it -- had provided a mild shock to her heart five months after it was implanted.

"My patient ... had an event which, had she not had a defibrillator, she would have fallen into the grave," Sweeney said.

She was also not aware that the defibrillator had fired, as it gave her heart just a gentle pulse and not an overwhelming shock. Because it fired at almost the precise hour of her father's death, but one week later, Sweeney and Quill believe it was this shock, and not the funeral of the sister-in-law, that precipitated the abnormal heart rhythm.

"The concept of anniversary reaction is that it is a response to the unconscious sense of time. Just because you aren't thinking that it is exactly seven days later ... a part of your mind ... is thinking that," Sweeney said.

The event also suggests a possible biological cause for "anniversary reaction" -- a change in the heart's beating pattern, Sweeney said.

Sometimes it's better just a lose stroke.

A golfer in Florida could have lost an arm while he was trying to retrieve a ball on the sixth hole at the Lake Venice Golf Club. A nearly eleven-foot alligator latched on to Bruce Burger's right arm when he reached into a pond to get his ball. He used his free to arm to whack the gator until it released him.
A spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says Burger was taken to hospital but wasn't seriously hurt. Course officials note there's a "Beware of Alligator" sign at the sixth hole. Course general manager Rod Parry says it's just "part of Florida."

I'm not a driver and there are a couple of terms that I often hear on news reports about traffic accidents and I'm not sure what they actually mean.

Firstly; on a motorway, is the inside lane next to the central reservation, or the hard shoulder?

Secondly, is the offside of a vehicle the side where the driver sits [right-hand drive] or where the passenger sits?

Family steal own roof

A Polish family in a block of flats stole their own roof after working out they would not get wet if it rained.

The theft was in the town of Bytom in south-west of Poland where extra cops have been drafted after authorities complained thefts were now such a problem that nothing was safe.

A police spokesman said: "One family occupying the ground floor of an apartment block worked out that they would not get flooded if there was no roof on the building, so they stole it."

Lightning conductors, gutterings, drainpipes and even radiators had been stolen from public buildings in recent months, they added.

They said crooks were stealing from building sites at night after workers had gone home, as well as empty schools and council buildings left deserted during the summer and from people's houses.

A spokesman for the local council said: "The thieves are stealing so much, that at this rate there will be nothing of the town left."

A new martial arts video in China reportedly teaches men how to make their crotch as hard as iron.

In the video, a monk named Shi Yanwu demonstrates Tiedang Gong - or 'Iron Crotch Kung Fu' - by having another monk kick him in the privates.

He is also shown with another monk hanging by a rope from his penis, and using his penis to pull a heavy stone roller.

The video claims that by practising the martial art, "a man can not only protect himself better, but also improve his sexual agility and potency."

The monk claims he learnt the technique at Shaolin temple, the Mecca of Kung Fu, but now is the last monk with this ability, reports Xinmin Net.

While denying any connection to the monk, the temple confirmed the existence of Tiedang Gong but insisted it was "to do with health not sex".

I'm running late this morning. I've had to wait to see someone at Reed In Partnership and queue at two different banks; all because my payment details haven't been entered onto the computer yet.

A 78-year-old tramp who can tell the time without a watch has become an internet star.

Gordon Roberts, who lives in Bournemouth, has had a site dedicated to him on Facebook, reports the Sun.

And it already has more than 4,500 members after just a few weeks.

Gordon was already well known in Bournemouth for his extraordinary ability to know the time within two minutes without wearing a watch.

Local man Chris Kimber, 24, decided to set up an appreciation group on networking site Facebook.

But people from all over the UK began signing up - and users from Australia, America and South Africa are now joining the fun.

Creator Chris, a Bournemouth University student, said: "I thought it'd be fun to set up a group around Gordon, but I did not expect it to take off."

Fans have even arranged a party for members - who must dress like their hero - in Poole on July 29.

When asked about his fame, Gordon said: "I heard about it, but I don't know much about it."

Kenyan deputy ministers 'bored'

At least 30 assistant Kenyan ministers have written a letter to the president, complaining they have no work to do.

"I just go to the office and read newspapers," said Abu Chiaba, an assistant fisheries minister.

His counterpart in the wildlife and tourism ministry said he learnt of policy decisions in the press, reports the BBC.

President Mwai Kibaki promised a lean government when he took power in 2002, but instead increased the number of jobs to reward his coalition partners.

The government spends more than £4.5m a year to meet salaries and allowances for the assistant ministers.

"We owe it to the taxpayer that what we are paid is commensurate with what we do," they said in a letter addressed to the president.

"I'm treated like a shadow and only learn of issues in my ministry through the press," said assistant Tourism and Wildlife Minister Kalembe Ndile.

Some current ministers who previously served as assistant ministers are also supporting their colleagues.

"I have been there before and I know how assistant ministers are treated," said Mohammed Kuti, now minister for youth affairs.

"They just go to the office, read newspapers and are ambushed to attend functions on behalf of the minister."

A kipper was the culprit in a suspected electrical fire this afternoon.

Gravesend fire station were called to a house in Cornwell Road, at 2pm today after a couple feared a strong smell in their kitchen was being caused by an electrical fire.

Fire crews used a thermal imaging camera to check the room for an signs of a fire, but found none.

The alarming smell was then traced to a kipper which had been left on a kitchen counter.

Satisfied the alert was a red herring, the crew declared the house safe and fitted it with smoke alarms as a future precaution.

A stonemason who carried out work on a cathedral tower left behind something to be remembered by.

Saul Sheldon says he made a carving of male genitals while working on the west face of Hereford Cathedral tower.

He says it is a stonemasons' tradition to do so and said that anyone looking for it would have to look carefully to find it.

He added he hoped the cathedral authorities would quite like it once they had got over the shock.

He said: "Some people might think it is not appropriate but some people might quite like it.

"I don't know what the cathedral authorities think about it but I think they will quite like it once they get over the shock."

Cathedral spokesman Glyn Morgan said they were not too surprised as they were aware of the craftsman's tradition of leaving little jokey reminders.

"At All Saints' Church in Hereford we have a carving of someone baring their bum to the congregation below.

"It's a long established tradition and it all serves to brighten a mood."

The cathedral has just learnt it has secured a grant of up to £4.2m from the Heritage Lottery Fund.

The money will be spent on major works to improve drainage and paths and provide a new seating and educational area.

The cathedral's tower reopened to the public in April after three years of restoration work.

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs to meet her date
wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother nearly had fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her,
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
you gotta let your rose buds show."
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother says,
"Loosen up"
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds
Then I can display my hanging baskets."

I'm just watching news reports of the PM's visit to Yorkshire to inspect the flooded areas. We are honored; he's only a bloody week and a half late!

And how's his government going to help these areas? Well, he's making £14m of government money available. Yes; that's correct...£14 million; a paltry amount considering all the damage to infrastructure, commerce and property. Good God Gordon; we're having to build a refugee camp in Doncaster because so many people have been made homeless.

It's not just money, we need manpower: Mr. Brown has got a wonderful opportunity to bring the troops back from Iraq and deploy them in Doncaster, Sheffield and Hull where they are well and truly needed. Will he seize the moment?

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you'll be eight.

RICHMOND, Virginia: Deadly methane gas from a US dairy farm's manure pit has killed five people in a tragic sequence as each tried to save the person who went in before, authorities say.

Emergency workers believe that each victim climbed into the pit in a frantic attempt to rescue the others. "It was a domino effect with one person going in, the second person going after them," Sheriff Don Farley said.

He identified the victims as Scott Showalter, 33; his wife, Phyllis, 34; their children, Shayla, 11, and Christina, 9; and Amous Stoltzfus, 24, a farm worker.

The accident began on Monday night when Mr Showalter tried to transfer manure from one small pit to a larger one. A pipe became clogged, and he climbed into the pit to fix the blockage, Mr Farley said. He apparently was overcome by the gas, a byproduct of the liquefied manure.

Emergency workers believe Mr Stoltzfus climbed into the pit in an attempt to rescue Mr Showalter. When the men did not come out, Mrs Showalter and her daughters apparently made their way in, all succumbing to the gas.

I was in the pub last night and an acquaintance asked me if he could use my mobile phone because he'd left his at home; of course, I don't have one though. He then asked someone else, and he didn't own a mobile either. Later on I also noticed a couple of people use the payphone at the bar as well.

It just shows there are still a few of us who haven't got mobile phones yet.

A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant was attacked by a man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.

"It's just unbelievable that someone would do something to a poor, defenseless animal and do it in such a cruel fashion," he said.

The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into a Burger King parking lot in the New York borough of Staten Island and perched on a car hood Thursday morning. Charmed employees were feeding him bread when the man appeared.

He seized the iridescent bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping the creature, said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.

"He was going crazy," she said.

Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, "'I'm killing a vampire!'"

Employees called police, but the man ran when he saw them. Authorities were looking for the attacker, described as in his teens or early 20s.

It was not clear how the bird made his way to the Burger King, but a Staten Island resident who raises peacocks said he had given some to a person who lives near the restaurant.

The price of machetes has halved in parts of Nigeria since the end of general elections in April because demand from thugs sponsored by politicians has subsided, the state-owned News Agency of Nigeria reported.

NAN surveyed prices in the northeastern state of Gombe and found that a good quality machete was now selling for 400 naira ($3) compared with 800 naira before the elections, which were marred by politically motivated violence in many states.

"A price survey on machetes, which served as a popular weapon among political thugs in the state, indicated ... a drop in the price of the implement," NAN reported over the weekend.

Machetes are primarily used as a tool for farming in Nigeria but they are also popular among political gangsters.

"Before the conduct of the general elections, I was selling a minimum of seven machetes daily but can hardly sell one a day now," said Usman Masi, a trader quoted by NAN.

Africa's most populous country returned to civilian rule in 1999 after three decades of almost continuous army rule but violence remains a feature of politics, especially during the build-up to elections.

European election monitors estimated that at least 200 people were killed in politically motivated violence during months of campaigning ahead of the April polls.

Villagers in central China dug up a tonne of dinosaur bones and boiled them in soup or ground them into powder for traditional medicine, believing they were from flying dragons and had healing powers, a scientist said yesterday. Until last year, the fossils were being sold in Henan province at about 4 yuan (26p) a kilo, Dong Zhiming, a professor at the Chinese Academy of Sciences, said. When told the bones were from dinosaurs, the villagers donated 200kg (440lb) to him and his colleagues for research. They had been using the bones for at least 20 years, Prof Dong said.

"Sticky Rice" could be running for president, so could "Oh Bus Horse."
Massachusetts state Secretary William Galvin says the federal Justice Department is pressuring Boston election officials to translate candidates' names into Chinese characters.
Those ballots would be used in precincts with a lot of Chinese-speaking voters. He says Republican hopeful Mitt Romney might be written as "Sticky Rice." Fred Thompson's name could translate as "Virtue Soup." Democrat Barack Obama might look like "Oh Bus Horse." Even Galvin himself could be in trouble. He says his name in Chinese characters comes out as something like "Stick Mosquito

I was on the bus earlier today and noticed that one of the houses I lived in as a child has been demolished as part of a neighbourhood renewal programme. It was a prefab built in the 1960s, and so I'm actually older than the house was.

July 1 is Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day

July 2 is Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day

July 3 is Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror Day

July 4 is National Country Music Day and Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day

July 5 is Workaholics Day

July 6 is National Fried Chicken Day

July 7 is National Strawberry Sundae Day

July 8 is Video Games Day

July 9 is National Sugar Cookie Day

July 10 is Clerihew Day

July 11 is National Cheer Up The Lonely Day

July 12 is National Pecan Pie Day

July 13 is Fool's Paradise Day

July 14 is National Nude Day

July 15 is National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day

July 16 is International Juggling Day

July 17 is National Peach Ice Cream Day

July 18 is National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day

July 19 is Flitch Day

July 20 is Ugly Truck Contest Day

July 21 is National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day

July 22 is Ratcatcher's Day

July 23 is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day

July 24 is Amelia Earhart Day

July 25 is Threading The Needle Day

July 26 is All Or Nothing Day

July 27 is Take Your Pants For A Walk Day

July 28 is National Milk Chocolate Day

July 29 is Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day

July 30 is National Cheesecake Day

July 31 is Parent's Day

Of course, today [July 4th] is also U.S. Independence Day. Maybe one day the people of England will get our chance to mark our independence from the United Kingdom...because at the moment I consider that England gets a really bad deal out of the union.

South African scientists have discovered a new genus and species of an attractively patterned electric ray off the east coast of South Africa and they have named it after a vacuum cleaner company.

The new electric ray, named Electrolux addisoni, is described in the latest issue of the journal Smithiana Bulletin by Leonard Compagno and Phillip Heemstra.

Electrolux addisoni is easily distinguished from other electric rays of the family Narkidae by its striking colour pattern consisting of a dark brown dorsal surface of the disc with numerous small pale yellow spots and a series of concentric black stripes.

Other distinguishing characters of the new genus include its prominent spiracular papillae, the unique morphologies of the nostrils, nasal curtain, mouth, jaws, chondrocranium, basibranchial skeleton, pectoral and pelvic girdles, and the presence of two dorsal fins.

Electrolux?
The genus name raises eyebrows, and its origin is best explained in the authors' own words:

"The name alludes to the well-developed electrogenic properties of this ray (collectors and photographers have experienced the shocking personality of this bold, active and brightly patterned electric ray first-hand), the discovery of which sheds light (Latin, lux) on the rich and poorly-known fish diversity of the Western Indian Ocean.

And the vigorous sucking action displayed on the videotape of the feeding ray that was taken by Stephania and Peer Lamberti may rival a well-known electrical device used to suck the detritus from carpets, furniture, and other dust-gathering surfaces in modern homes...".

The species is named after Mark Addison, who collected the holotype.

Electrolux addisoni is endemic to the east coast of South Africa, and was first identified to the authors in 1984 by photographing divers.

It was subsequently sighted, photographed and even videographed by divers, but it was not until 2003 that the authors were finally able to obtain specimens for study.

Electrolux addisoni is also apparently the largest member of the Narkidae, reaching up to 515 mm total length.

"The rubber bands ... sometimes they'll break. That hurts," said Steve Milton, whose 4,594-pound rubber band ball was certified Tuesday as the world's largest by Guinness World Records officials. "As long as you wear your safety goggles, you're good."

Milton, 26, of Eugene, Ore., watched as four bodybuilders rolled the multicolored, rubbery mass — 5 1/2 feet high and 19 feet around — onto a giant scale in downtown Chicago for the official weigh-in.

He raised his arms over his head in Rockyesque style when Guinness judge Sarah Wagner announced his ball had bounced the previous 3,120-pound record-holder from the books. That record was set by John Bain of Wilmington, Del., in 2003.

"It's just amazing; it's out of this world," said Milton, who began building the ball in November 2005.

Bain didn't begrudge Milton the honor.

"Steve can have the record ... he worked hard for it," Bain said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. "I had my glory days with the rubber band ball."

Milton worked on the ball with his 6-year-old son, Bryce, and soon-to-be stepson, Austin Johnson, 7. "We did a little bit of research on how big rubber band balls are, and realized there was one out there that was 3,120 pounds and we knew we could do it."

His fiancee thought it was a bit nuts, but it was fun for the family.

Milton credited their success to a simple credo: add to the ball every day, even if it was for just a few minutes, and remember to move it to the garage while it still fits through the door.

"My advice is to basically not overwhelm yourself with it," Milton said. "A lot of people who try to break this record, they overwhelm themselves by trying to do too much."

Wagner, the Guinness judge, is based in London, but she flies around the globe certifying unusual records. Her previous assignment: the world's longest line of pizza in Italy.

Blundering contractors have been ordered to repaint wonky road markings that they painted in the dark.

The wobbly markings on the A337 Lyndhurst to Cadnam road in New Forest, Hampshire, have caused some amusement to motorists since they appeared last week.

The workers have been ordered to do the work again after the first job was done at night, using only a small mobile light to see, reports The Sun.

Chairman of nearby Lyndhurst Parish Council George Bisson said it was no wonder the lines were wonky.

"Presumably they were doing it then to prevent traffic disruption but perhaps it was counter-productive."

A spokeswoman for Hampshire County Council said: "The lining work carried out by contractors working on behalf of Hampshire County Council is unacceptable.

"We've refused the work on quality and we're now awaiting the contractors to carry out the repaint work until we are satisfied.

"It is within the terms of the contract for the contractor to put any works that do not meet specification right, so any poor workmanship will cost them and not the county council."

I've just taken this personality test that was linked to a blog friend's post [I can't remember whose though; my mum's just rung me and I've been speaking to her for about fifteen minutes.]

Anyhow, here's the link to the test.

According to my answers, I'm a reserved idealist with the following list of traits.

Very functional
Very high masculinity
Slightly high confidence
Imaginative
Average empathy
Slightly low extrovertism
Slightly low authoritarianism
Low openness
Low trust
Low spontenaiety
Low attention to style.

Overall it's quite a postive assessment...but would it actually give anyone really negative results though?

Swiss authorities uncovered an illegal cannabis farm after locals complained about a stoned deer.

The deer had reportedly been attacking hikers, sleeping in roads and even wandering into homes and stores.

Forest rangers in Trient, Switzerland, launched an investigation after numerous complaints.

They discovered an illegal cannabis farm set up by two locals, who were arrested as they went to harvest their crop.

A German pensioner who hid her life savings in a vacuum cleaner dust bag because she didn't trust banks had them thrown out by her cleaner.

Margarethe Willemsen, 80, from Hanover, had stashed her life savings of £57,000 in an old vacuum cleaner bag.

But a new cleaning lady she had employed found the bag in a cupboard and threw it out, thinking it was rubbish.

Willemsen managed to get the cash back though after she called the local rubbish collection service - which sent a team to sift through 45 tons of rubbish at a tip to find the bag.

She said: "I thought it would be the perfect place to hide my cash but I was obviously wrong."

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Uncle Joe.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

Since today's the first day of the ban on smoking in public places in England I thought I'd post this relevant news story.

Landlord Bob Beech is getting round next week's ciggie ban by turning his bar into an embassy for a remote Caribbean island.

He claims the Wellington Arms in Southampton will be the only pub in Britain to allow smoking after Sunday - by becoming the UK base for tiny, uninhabited Redonda.

Earlier this month a senior "attache" to its ruler named it as the UK consulate for the island, which is 35 miles off Antigua.

As an embassy, it would be classed as "foreign soil", allowing smokers a haven - as well as VAT-free cheap drinks, reports The Sun.

The attache who granted consulate status is Redonda's official cardinal Edward Elder - a regular at the pub.

Cardinal Elder, 72, said: "We'll be declaring our credentials to the Queen and will see what happens."

Redonda's ruler is King Robert the Bald, 60, who lives on Antigua.

The Canadian-born novelist, who recently granted a knighthood to landlord Bob, regularly sails his yacht to survey his one-mile square kingdom.

Bob said of beating the fags ban: "I have a legal team looking into the legalities at the moment but I am confident."

The Department of Health admitted: "The smoke-free law will not be enforceable against premises that have diplomatic status."

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

'All you can eat' man fills up

A guest stunned hotel staff by scoffing 15 fried breakfasts in one sitting.

Businessman Barry Bradley, 47, paid £7.50 for the 'all you can eat' grease mountain, which took more than three hours to devour.

He gobbled up at least 30 sausages, 20 rashers of bacon, 15 fried eggs and three tins of beans, reports Metro.

He even topped it off with six bowls of cereal at the Premier Travel Inn in Tonbridge, Kent.

A waitress said: "We couldn't believe it - he looked like he was never going to stop."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"