Egg-walking man pulls car with ears

A Chinese man has managed to pull a car while walking on eggs without breaking a single egg.
Not only did he pull the car 20 metres, he actually did it with his ears!

The 38-year-old probably has the strangest talent ever seen, but he sure drew a big crowd while he was pulling the car in Dehui, Jinli.

The onlookers were astonished by the man's performance. Zhang says he started learning the stunt when he was only 8 years old.

Another amazing thing this Chinese can do is pick up a 25 kg bicycle with his mouth while, of course, standing on eggs.

We can't figure out what his talents are good for, but they sure are amazing.

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Turns out, even beheaded rattlesnakes can be dangerous. That's what 53-year-old Danny Anderson learned as he was feeding his horses Monday night, when a 5-foot rattler slithered onto his central Washington property, about 50 miles southeast of Yakima.

Anderson and his 27-year-old son, Benjamin, pinned the snake with an irrigation pipe and cut off its head with a shovel. A few more strikes to the head left it sitting under a pickup truck.

"When I reached down to pick up the head, it raised around and did a backflip almost, and bit my finger," Anderson said. "I had to shake my hand real hard to get it to let loose."

His wife insisted they go to the hospital, and by the time they arrived at Prosser Memorial Hospital 10 minutes later, Anderson's tongue was swollen and the venom was spreading. He then was taken by ambulance 30 miles to a Richland hospital to get the full series of six shots he needed.

The snake head ended up in the bed of his pickup, and Anderson landed in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon.

Mike Livingston, a Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife biologist, said the area where the Anderson's live is near prime snake habitat. But he said he had never heard of anyone being bit by a decapitated snake before.

"That's really surprising but that's an important thing to tell people," he said. "It may have been just a reflex on the part of the snake."

If another rattlesnake comes along, Anderson said he'll likely try to kill it again, but said he'll grab a shovel and bury it right there.

"It still gives me the creeps to think that son-of-a-gun could do that," he said.

Tractor fan factory shock

A tractor fan drove his 44-year-old machine on a 700-mile pilgrimage from Germany to the factory where it was made - only to find it had been knocked down.

Wolfgang Mueller, 65, had dreamed for years of taking his red Massey Ferguson MF35 back to Coventry, reports the Daily Mirror.

Two weeks after retiring, the farmer left Stuttgart, chugging at less than 30mph towing a caravan through Luxembourg and France and catching a ferry at Calais.

He took country lanes and B-roads to Basildon, Essex, to look at New Holland tractor-makers, then to get a photo of his vehicle at London Bridge.

But when he reached the spot where Massey Ferguson had been based, he saw rows of houses called Bannerbrook Park.

Wolfgang said he plans to spend a week or so touring Britain.

He added: "I'll make my way home via Paris. I want to park my tractor in front of the Eiffel Tower."

We used to have a Massey Ferguson factory here in Doncaster that used to manufacture tractors and combined harvesters. Things could have been a lot worse for Wolfgang...he might have attempted to drive a harvester all the way here.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Two people who sprinkled flour in a parking lot to mark a trail for their offbeat running club inadvertently caused a bioterrorism scare and now face a felony charge.

The sprinkled powder forced hundreds to evacuate an IKEA furniture store Thursday.

New Haven ophthalmologist Daniel Salchow, 36, and his sister, Dorothee, 31, who is visiting from Hamburg, Germany, were both charged with first-degree breach of peace, a felony.

The siblings set off the scare while organizing a run for a local chapter of the Hash House Harriers, a worldwide group that bills itself as a "drinking club with a running problem."

"Hares" are given the task of marking a trail to direct runners, throwing in some dead ends and forks as challenges. On Thursday, the Salchows decided to route runners through the massive IKEA parking lot.

Police fielded a call just before 5 p.m. that someone was sprinkling powder on the ground. The store was evacuated and remained closed the rest of the night. The incident prompted a massive response from police in New Haven and surrounding towns.

Daniel Salchow biked back to IKEA when he heard there was a problem and told officers the powder was just harmless flour, which he said he and his sister have sprinkled everywhere from New York to California without incident.

"Not in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate anything like that," he said.

Mayoral spokeswoman Jessica Mayorga said the city plans to seek restitution from the Salchows, who are due in court Sept. 14.

"You see powder connected by arrows and chalk, you never know," she said. "It could be a terrorist, it could be something more serious. We're thankful it wasn't, but there were a lot of resources that went into figuring that out."

Robbers snatch dog poo

A Chinese woman has told how robbers snatched a parcel of dog poo wrapped in newspaper out of her hand outside a bank.

Mrs Chen, of Laohekou city, was waiting in the bank to withdraw money when nature suddenly called for her dog.

"While I was waiting in the queue, my dog had to poo. So I asked for several pieces of newspaper to wrap the poo," she said.

After wrapping it, Chen left the bank, and was waiting to cross the street to throw the parcel into a rubbish bin when the robber struck.

"A motorcycle stopped swiftly before me, the man on the rear seat seized the package from me, and they sped away," she said.

Police are investigating the case while "laughing at the stupidity of the robbers", according to Chutian City Papers.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to
death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand
your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge
you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for
fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one."

When I got on the bus this morning there were eight pensioners and myself, and as I was paying my fare I realised I had paid more than everyone else combined, and for a few seconds wondered why I was so important.

Of course, it's all due to the concessionary fares scheme operated by South Yorkshire Passenger Transport Authority; whereby pensioners (who aren't all necessarily poor) pay only 35p, yet unemployed people such as myself (who by definition are all poor) are required to pay full fare.

It's a mad world.

I used to really like them, so I'm glad that Cadbury is re-introducing them.

Sweet success for Wispa campaign

Cadbury is to bow down to an internet campaign and bring back the Wispa chocolate bar.

Fans of the old favourite have been using websites such as Facebook and MySpace to demand its return, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Cadbury will make an initial run of 23million bars in October and gauge interest from there.

The company says customers often ask for old favourites to be brought back, but said the numbers joining the internet campaign to re-launch Wispa were unprecedented.

Cadbury spokesman Tony Bilsborough said: "We get letters about the Aztec bar and the lime barrel in the Dairy Milk tray. But this is on a whole different scale.

"This is the first time we are going to give the internet a chance to prove itself and see whether it is all hype or genuine."

Wispa was first brought out in 1981 for a trial in the north east. The bar with a bubbly centre was seen by many as a rival to Nestlé's Aero bar with the slogan "Bite it and Believe It".

Its popularity began to wane in the 1990s and it was finally ditched in 2003 as Cadbury concentrated on other brands but die hard fans of Wispa demanded its return.

Networking sites such as MySpace and YouTube have groups, with thousands of members, dedicated to the veneration of he Wispa bar.

And, earlier this year, two fans stormed the stage at Glastonbury during Iggy Pop's set to hold up a 'Bring Back Wispa' banner.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy
house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage,
moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed,Smith," the boss replies,
"I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew
I could count on you!"

Miss Jones, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was
much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Jones," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months
ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."

"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

I've just read a report in The Sunday Times which says that, despite all the heavy rain, statistically speaking this summer hasn't been that bad: a bit wetter, cooler and cloudier than usual - but nothing unexpected. Apparently maximum temperatures have been quite low, but minimums haven't (due to cloud cover.)

The weather here this morning is lovely. It's sunny, but a bit cool in the shade; I'll have to wait until after dinner to spend a bit of time in the garden though- by then it will be in direct sunshine...I hope the neighbours are going to be quiet and not having an outdoor party or be burning rubbish as both sets of neighbours did yesterday.

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after
the marriage she was accosted by a friend who
laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men
who have been married before, your husband
sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their
encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line,
asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able
to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to
ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day,
then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man
finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck
are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

Germans are lining up to rent farm animals to help with the gardening as part of a new green scheme.

Werner Kiwitt, who runs an ecological park in Schleswig-Holstein, is offering sheep to cut the grass and ducks to eat the slugs.

He said: "You get free fertiliser provided by the animals as well, so it's not a bad deal."

Mr Kewitt said he was getting orders from all over the country after a plague of slugs nationwide following recent heavy rains.

Kiwitt, who rents the birds out for £20 a time, said: "Some people think this is just a gag but the ducks are really good at getting rid of the slugs. It beats using poison, especially when there are children or other aninals in the house."

Survey says stars should be paid less Aug 25 2007

THE British public thinks Premier League footballers, company directors and the Prime Minister should get paid less than they do, a new report reveals today.

But experts warned a drop in salaries could lead to a brain drain as top employees – stung by lower wages – left for better pay abroad.

Public opinion lists sportsmen as the most overpaid group of workers, according to the poll by the Fabian Society, a left of centre political think tank.

The average salary of a Premier League footballer is around £676,000 a year, but most people think they should only take home £60,000.

And they believe Prime Minister Gordon Brown should be on around £135,000 – significantly less than his £187,000 pay packet.

Tom Hampson, editorial director at the Fabian Society, said, “This research shows how the British public feels the gap between the richest and poorest workers should be narrower.

“Our polling shows that the public thinks it is reasonable for Gordon Brown to be at the top of the earnings league above JK Rowling, managing directors of FTSE-100 companies and especially Premier League footballers like Wayne Rooney.”

Although a managing director of a top company can earn £1m or more with bonuses, the 3,000 survey participants put the acceptable income level at £120,000.

But David Blackaby, professor of economics at University of Wales, Swansea said, “If you try to restrict their salaries you’re going to get a brain drain.

“If you reduce a managing director’s salary for example, they’re just going to go to America where their salary might be better.

“In a world where people can move across countries it doesn’t matter what we think they should be paid, it’s what they can get that’s important.”

He added, “Many young individuals want to be footballers but only a small amount make it. Those that do make a lot of money, those that don’t, don’t make any money from it.

“In economic terms we talk about risk – those people that make it make fantastic salaries, the rest of us don’t necessarily make the same money but it’s easier to get into our jobs.”

The Fabian/YouGov research showed that the British public felt that the lowest paid workers deserved more money.

Research author Rachael Jolley said, “There is a sense that society works more fairly in countries where the gap between the richest and poorest is closest.

“People believe in a fair wage for the work that they do.

“Progressive political politics should acknowledge that the public want the unfair gap between the rich and poor to be narrowed.”

Nursing was one of the salaries which people believed needed to be increased.

A senior nurse was put at a level of £33,000 where in reality they earn an average of £24,000 across the UK.

Penny Philips, 48, who works at Bryn-y-Neuadd Hospital in Llanfairfechan, North Wales, has been a nurse for 20 years and earns £24,500.

She said, “If you were to compare us to teachers – and I think we should be compared to teachers and policemen – it takes a nurse 30 years to get up to the equivalent of someone of equal experience and an equal knowledge base.

“I choose to keep working on the wards so I work anti-social hours and I work nights because I haven’t gotten into management.

“But, as a staff nurse, you can’t get paid any more than me as a band five staff grade.

“If I went into management I would go into a different band and I would get paid more but I prefer to stay with the patients.”

She added, “I can see there being a genuine problem with students.

“Student nurses aren’t going to go through three years of working very hard just to earn what I do when they could become dentists or doctors or teachers.

“I really worry that we won’t be able to staff the wards in a few years.”

A sex mad Scottish koala bear is in demand after an experiment in which he was asked to show an Austrian bear the facts of life.

Managers at Vienna's Schoenbrunn zoo had despaired their own male koala would ever get to grips with the bear necessities.

But five-year-old Chumbee, on loan from Edinburgh zoo, has succeeded where romantic music, erotic koala movies and aphrodisiac foods had all failed.

Zoo manager Helmut Pechlaner said: "Chumbee hasn't stopped since he got here, it has been almost non stop sex in the koala enclosure ever since, and now even our own male is joining in.

"We are confident we will soon be seeing the padding of tiny koala paws."

And zoo veterinarian Hanna Vielgrader added: "The only break is to eat or sleep, other than that there's no stopping them.

"The heat has probably helped but we doubt it would make much difference whatever temperature it was for the Scottish koala. Chumbee can't restrain himself at all."

The zoo is expecting a baby koala will be born sometime next year, and in the meantime said several other zoos wanted to loan Chumbee to invigorate their own koala colonies.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A Serbian pensioner has celebrated his retirement by moving into a house that he built entirely out of plastic bottles.

It took five years and 13,500 bottles for Tomislav Radovanovic, from the central town of Kragujevac, to build the 60 sq m house.

He told the national news agency Tanjug that he hopes to enter the Guinness Book of Records.

Only the foundation of the property is concrete, and all other parts of the house are made of plastic bottles that he had been collecting for years.

Even the kitchen furniture and windows are made of plastic bottles.

Radovanovic, who worked as a professor of mathematics before he retired, said his former students had helped him build the property by collecting bottles.

Arm-wrestling machine recalled

A Japanese arm wresting machine has been recalled after three players broke their arms.

The Arm Spirit arm wrestling games enable contestants to battle opponents including a French maid, a drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua dog.

Distributor Atlus said it would remove all 150 Arm Spirit arm wrestling machines from Japanese arcades after the injuries.

However, the company blamed customers for misusing the device, reports the Daily Telegraph.

"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said Ayano Sakiyama, an Atlus spokeswoman. She described the recall as "a precaution."

"We think that maybe some players get overexcited and twist their arms in an unnatural way," she added.

The company was investigating the incidents and checking the machines for any signs of malfunction.

Players of Arm Spirit advance through 10 levels culminating in a final showdown with a professional wrestler. The arcade machine is not distributed overseas.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

The earth is expanding and we don't know why
Let us taunt the geologists now with an idea that many of them consider to be nonsense.
The Expanding Earth Hypothesis goes back to at least 1933, a time when the Continental Drift Hypothesis was accorded the same sort of ridicule. Now, Continental Drift is enthroned; and ironically many of its strongest proponents are vehemently opposed to the Expanding Earth, ignoring the lessons of history.
The data that suggest that the earth has expanded significantly over geological time come from the pleasant pastime of continent fitting. If one takes the pieces of continental and oceanic crust and tries to fit them together at various times over the past several hundred million years, taking into account the production of crust at the midocean ridges, the fit gets worse and worse as one works backward in time. Great gaps (or "gores") appear between the pieces of crust which geologists believed existed at these periods. (Of course, one can play this puzzle-piece game only at passive continent-ocean boundaries where the oceanic crust has not slid under the continental crust. The South Atlantic is a good place to work.)
These embarrassing, grotesque gaps can be made to disappear almost as if by magic by assuming that the earth was smaller in the past. This seems, on the surface, to be a crazy idea. Why would an entire planet swell up like a balloon? Hugh Owen answers in this way:
"The geological and geophysical implications of such Earth expansion are so profound that most geologists and geophysicists shy away from them. In order to fit with the reconstruction that seems to be required, the volume of the Earth was only 51 per cent of its present value, and the surface area 64 per cent of that of the present day, 200 million years ago. Established theory says that the Earth's interior is stable, an in ner core of nickel iron surrounded by an outer layer that behaves like a fluid. Perhaps we are completely wrong and the inner core is in some state nobody has yet imagined, a state that is undergoing a transition from a high-density state to a lower density state, and pushing out the crust, the skin of the Earth, as it expands."

(Owen, Hugh; "The Earth Is Expanding and We Don't Know Why, "New Scientist, p. 27, November 22, 1984.)

I've always been fascinated by all aspects of language and so I've opened up a messageboard to share my interest with other people.

It's called Pen And Tongue.

Here's the first discussion I've started:

Apart from Scots (if considered to be a separate language), no language shares any degree of mutual intelligibility with English. This hasn't always been the case though; before the Norman Conquest and the influence that French subsequently had on the language, English and Frisian [a language spoken in Friesland in the Netherlands] were quite similar, and sailors could understand many phrases in each other's language. However, over the centuries the two languages have drifted apart, English under the influence of French, and Frisian modified by Dutch.

Despite these increasing differences, Frisian is still the closest language to English; however, English is no longer the closest language to Frisian - both Dutch and Low German are now closer. Thus, a state of asymmetry of mutual intelligibility now exists between English and Frisian.

I'd like to open a discussion about asymmetry of mutual intelligibility between other languages. Has anyone got any information.

By the way, Dutch is the second closest language to our own; yet we use the phrase 'speaking Double Dutch' when describing something we don't understand. How ironic.

UAE father of 78 eyes new brides for century target

A one-legged Emirati father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, Emirates Today reported on Monday.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century."

The United Arab Emirates newspaper splashed its front page with a picture of Abdul Rahman surrounded by his children, the eldest of whom is 36 years old and the youngest of whom is 20 days old. Two of his current three wives are also pregnant.

Abdul Rahman said his large family lived in 15 houses. He supports them with his military pension and the help of the government of Ajman, one of seven emirates that comprise the UAE, which includes the Gulf trade and tourism hub of Dubai.

Islam allows men to marry up to four women at a time, though most marry only one. The UAE is a Muslim country but is home to migrants from around the world.

I've just watched the clip, and it seems very amateurish to me; not gory at all.'

An ITV talent show that featured an illusionist who pretended to chop off his hand before cutting open an assistant with a power-saw broke broadcasting rules, a watchdog said on Monday.

Ofcom said Dr Gore's blood-soaked performance on "Britain's Got Talent" was unsuitable for weekend family viewing.

Dr Gore had reached the semi-final of the ITV series to find an up-and-coming act to play before the Queen at the Royal Variety Performance.

The show's hosts, Ant and Dec, warned viewers that he "wasn't for the faint-hearted". Ant said: "He can make an entire audience feel sick in seconds".

Dr Gore walked on stage in black leather biker boots and a blood-stained doctor's coat.

He appeared to slice off his hand with a large knife before asking the audience: "Do you want to see some gore?"

He then took an electric rotary saw to a young helper lying on a trolley and pretended to rip out his organs.

The act ended when the three judges -- Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden -- said they'd seen enough.

Cowell said: "It was horrific. It wasn't even magic."

The show went out at 7:45 p.m. on June 16. Twenty-one people complained to the media watchdog.

Nearly 26,000 people have watched the performance on YouTube, www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYhevO1LhyE.

The show's makers said they had asked Dr Gore to tone down his act and had made sure the presenters warned the audience about what to expect.

Producers said the act was more pantomime than horror.

A Scottish farmer's wife says her horse saved her life after it fought off a cow that was attacking her.

Fiona Boyd, 40, feared she was going to be crushed to death by the cow after it kicked her to the ground, then rolled on top of her.

She says she survived only because her horse, Kerry, raced to the rescue and kicked the cow until it moved off her.

Mrs Boyd told The Scotsman: "I am in no doubt Kerry saved me. If she hadn't been grazing in the same pasture, I really believe I would have been killed. Kerry was fantastic. She saved my life."

Mrs Boyd, a mother of two, was alone at home on her family farm at Chapmanton, near Castle Douglas, Kirkcudbrightshire, when she heard the cries of a young calf in distress.

She went outside to see the calf had become separated from its mother and decided to move the calf and its mother into a shed together.

But as she approached the calf, its mother finally heard its distressed cries and charged at Mrs Boyd, knocking her to the ground.

As she tried to get to her feet, the cow butted her and shouldered her again to the ground, before dropping its full weight on top of her.

As she scrambled for cover, she saw her 15-year-old chestnut mare kicking wildly at the cow. As the horse hit out at the cow, Mrs Boyd managed to crawl 20ft to safety under an electric fence.

Mrs Boyd alerted her husband, Matt, 44, who had been working in another field, and who took her to hospital.

She said: "Cows are normally placid animals, but during calving they become very protective. I shouldn't have tried to move the calf through the herd on my own, and I certainly won't be doing it again."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

I've just been to see 'The Bourne Ultimatum' at the cinema with my brother. He can be bloody annoying at times though; he arrives at the last minute and then waits until he's reached the front of the queue to get his money out. Of course he doesn't keep his money in a wallet, or even loose change in his pocket like anyone else does; no, he has to rummage in his rucksack for a carrier bag. Inside the carrier bag he then rummages for a plastic bank bag where he keeps his money and then takes an eternity to find the correct amount.

It's fortunate it wasn't busy.