Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Passenger 'has bath' on plane

An air passenger in China shocked cabin crews when they found him taking a sponge bath in the toilet.

Passengers on the flight from Nanning to Chongqing complained that the man was spending too much time in the toilet.

An air attendant knocked on the door, and then noticed water flowing out from underneath it, reports the Chongqing Morning News.

"We had to open the door with a key, and saw that the man was half naked," said the attendant.

"When he saw me, he said he was bathing, and asked me if I had some shampoo."

The man, Jin Sheng, said it was his first time on a plane.

"I discovered the bathroom had hot water, so I thought of taking a bath, since I hadn't had one for nearly a week," he explained.

The airline could not punish or charge Jin, as there is nothing in the regulations to prohibit passengers from having a mid-flight bath.

In London, one man to another:
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
B: "Oh, really?"
A: "No, O'Reilly"

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.

When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until your well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.

A young man comes before a customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no Señor, no need for test, I tell you I'm American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colours: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh Señor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-law's house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"

A Swedish television presenter has become a hit on YouTube after she vomited live on air but continued with the show.

So far, nearly 250,000 people have watched Eva Nazemson's display of professionalism on the video sharing site.

Nazemson was hosting a late night phone-in game show on TV4 Plus when she suddenly become ill, reports Metro.

As a male caller tried to solve a word puzzle, Nazemson quickly turned her head to one side and vomited.

She disappeared off screen for a few seconds but quickly reappeared to continue with the phone-in.

Eva was quick to clarify the reason for her sudden sickness: "I'm having period pains and they can make you feel really sick," she told viewers.

A lady walked into a bar and there
were no seats available, except for
one at a table that was occupied by
a man, and she decides to take it.
He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow,
what's yours?"
The women replied, "June."
She went to get a drink and Jim Snow
sat there smiling at her. When she
came back he still sat there smiling.
June was a little embarrassed, so
she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling
at me like that?"
Jim answered, "Well, just imagine
having 6 inches of Snow in June!"

A Cornish man is attempting to break the record for the longest telephone conversation.

Tony Wright, who claimed the record for the longest period without sleeping after he stayed awake for 11 days, hopes to stay on the phone for more than 39 hours.

Mr Wright, from Penzance, Cornwall, is calling from his home to a Tesco store in London.

Customers at the Kensington Tesco are taking it in turns in 20-minute slots to talk to the 42-year-old.

The conversation was started by TV weather girl Sian Lloyd.

Mr Wright said: "I have a great feeling about this record. The current record sits at 39 hours, I think I can absolutely smash that.

"I've been exercising my vocal cords for the past few weeks so they're primed and ready for making record-breaking history."

Tesco is to donate £100 to the British Red Cross for every hour Mr Wright spends talking.

If you are in Sudan it is a 'missed call'. In Ethiopia it is a 'miskin' or a 'pitiful' call. In other parts of Africa it is a case of 'flashing', 'beeping' or in French-speaking areas 'bipage'.

Wherever you are, it is one of the fastest-growing phenomena in the continent's booming mobile telephone markets -- and it's a headache for mobile operators who are trying to figure out how to make some money out of it.

You beep someone when you call them up on their mobile phone -- setting its display screen briefly flashing -- then hang up half a second later, before they have had a chance to answer. Your friend -- you hope -- sees your name and number on their list of 'Missed Calls' and calls you back at his or her expense.

It is a tactic born out of ingenuity and necessity, say analysts who have tracked an explosion in miskin calls by cash-strapped cellphone users from Cape Town to Cairo.

"Its roots are as a strategy to save money," said Jonathan Donner, an India-based researcher for Microsoft who is due to publish a paper on "The Rules of Beeping" in the high-brow online Journal of Computer Mediated Communication in October.

Donner first came across beeping in Rwanda, then tracked it across the continent and beyond, to south and southeast Asia. Studies quoted in his paper estimate between 20 to more than 30 percent of the calls made in Africa are just split-second flashes -- empty appeals across the cellular network.

The beeping boom is being driven by a sharp rise in mobile phone use across the continent.

Africa had an estimated 192.5 million mobile phone users in 2006, up from just 25.3 million in 2001, according to figures from the U.N.'s International Telecommunication Union. Customers may have enough money for the one-off purchase of a handset, but very little ready cash to spend on phone cards for the prepaid accounts that dominate the market.

Africa's mobile phone companies say the practice has become so widespread they have had to step in to prevent their circuits being swamped by second-long calls.

"We have about 355 million calls across the whole network every day," said Faisal Ijaz Khan, chief marketing officer for the Sudanese arm of Kuwaiti mobile phone operator Zain (formerly MTC). "And then there are another 130 million missed calls every day. There are a lot of missed calls in Africa."

'CALL ME BACK'

Zain is responding to the demand by drawing up plans for a "Call-me-back" service in Sudan, letting customers send open requests in the form of a very basic signal to friends for a phone call.

The main advantage for the company is that the requests will be diverted from the main network and pushed through using a much cheaper technology (USSD or Unstructured Supplementary Service Data).

A handful of similar schemes are springing up across Africa, says Informa principal analyst Devine Kofiloto. "It is widespread. It is a concern for operators in African countries, whose networks become congested depending on the time of day with calls they cannot bill for.

"They try to discourage the practice by introducing services where customers can send a limited number of 'call-back' request either free of charge or for a minimum fee."

There are plenty of other reasons why mobile operators are keen to cut down on the practice. One is it annoys customers, pestered by repeated missed calls.

A second is that 'flashes' eat into one of mobile phone companies' favorite performance indicators -- ARPU or average revenue per user. Miscalls earn very little in themselves - and don't always persuade the target to ring back.

Orange Senegal, Kofiloto said, lets customers send a 'Rappelle moi' ('Call me back') when their phone credit drops below $0.10. With Safaricom Kenya, it is a "Flashback 130" (limited to five a day -- and with the admonishment 'Stop Flashing! Ask Nicely'). Vodacom DR Congo's 'Rappelez moi SVP' service costs $0.01 a message.

MORE THAN MONEY

But beeping is not only about money. Donner's 'Rules of Beeping' suggests a social protocol for the practice.

"The richer guy pays," he writes. It is acceptable to beep someone if you are short of cash and they are flush with credit. Never beep someone poorer than you.

Never beep someone you are tapping for a favor. You don't want to risk annoying the person you are trying to win over. Never flash your girlfriend, unless you want to look cheap.

"Most beeps are requests to the mobile owner to call back immediately, but can also send a pre-negotiated instrumental message such as pick me up now,' or send a relational sign, such as I'm thinking of you,'" the paper says.

It can go even further than that.

Cameroonian researchers Victor W.A. Mbarika and Irene Mbarika identified a different kind of beeping-powered relational call in a study for the technology association the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE).

"Lovers often communicate with text messages or beeping'," said the study. "One party dials another's number and then hangs up. One ring could mean, I am here,' two rings, Call me now.'"

And the name they gave this new entry in the beeping lexicon? Borrowing a street slang term for an appeal for sex, they christened it "the booty call."

Firearms shops in the US are stocking pink rifles and shotguns to encourage girls to get into shooting.

A report in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel says the Gander Mountain hunting store in Waukesha stocks several pink guns.

They include a Remington 20-gauge shotgun with a pink and black stock emblazoned with the slogan: "Shoot like a girl if you can!"

Store manager Chris Hanson said the guns were aimed, so to speak, at girls and women interested in hunting.

He said the shotgun, and a Crickett rifle with a bright pink stock, were both selling well.

In Baraboo, Jim Astle, owner of Jim's Gun Supply in Baraboo, has been coating guns in pink and other colours for four years. His 12-year-old daughter owns a pink camouflage shotgun.

"Females want to shoot guns, but they want them to look pretty, too," he said. "Guys could give a rat's butt what their gun looks like."

Connie Cody, a 48-year-old administrative assistant in Kenosha, said she wishes she had seen pink guns for sale after she completed her hunter safety course 18 months ago.

Since then, she has bought a 9-millimetre pistol, a .357 revolver, a .38 Derringer and a .380 pistol, all in traditional colours.

"If they stock them," Cody vowed after learning about pink guns, "I'm going to buy one."

I've just found this. I hope it is true; I've checked a few letters, but not them all.

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

The correct way to spell potato...

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough

If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbour

If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette

If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Just a couple of points concerning insects:

1...At the beginning of the summer I bought a can of fly and wasp killer because the old one was nearly used up. I haven't needed to use it at all, there have been so few insects in the house this year.

2...Concerning the outbreak of bluetongue disease in farm animals in Suffolk (it's spread by midges), so far, only one newsreader has mispronounced it as 'bluetooth.'

A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead woke up in the morgue in excruciating pain after medical examiners began their autopsy.

Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face.

"I woke up because the pain was unbearable," Camejo said, according to a report on Friday in leading local newspaper El Universal.

His grieving wife turned up at the morgue to identify her husband's body only to find him moved into a corridor -- and alive.

Reuters could not immediately reach hospital officials to confirm the events. But Camejo showed the newspaper his facial scar and a document ordering the autopsy.

Q: How many Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Born-again Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Whoever heard of a born-again Christian who couldn't see the light?

Q: How many Bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many policemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want to change.

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

Q: How many Social workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just write a book called "Coping with Darkness".

Council to turn off street lights at night

A Yorkshire council has come up with a radical new way to save money - turning off the street lamps at night.

The idea is part of a 'sustainable street lighting strategy' to be considered by City of York Council's ruling executive, says the York Press.

Paul Thackray, the council's head of highway infrastructure, says it would minimise the use of natural resources, cut the energy used to power lights, and reduce light pollution.

His report says Essex County Council last year agreed a similar scheme to turn off many street lights between midnight and 5am.

That move had been criticised, but much of the opposition was "ill-informed", according to Mr Thackray.

Opposition Labour group leader David Scott said: "We have to approach with some caution. If I lived in a street where the lights went off, I do not think I would be particularly happy with that."

And Jane Mowat, of the Safer York Partnership, added: "Anything that impacted on that feeling of safety, we would be concerned about."

But council leader Steve Galloway vowed the executive would not support anything that would reduce public safety.

He said: "I know that members will sympathise with the thrust of the report which is aimed at reducing costs and the adverse environmental impacts of the lighting system."

A backwards poet writes inverse.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

I've never been a fan of the hyphen and only ever use it to help with clarity of understanding or pronunciation.

It's small. It's flat. It's black. And according to the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, its numbers are shrinking. Welcome to the world of the hyphen.
Having been around since at least the birth of printing, the hyphen is apparently enjoying a difficult time at the moment.
The sixth edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary has knocked the hyphens out of 16,000 words, many of them two-word compound nouns. Fig-leaf is now fig leaf, pot-belly is now pot belly, pigeon-hole has finally achieved one word status as pigeonhole and leap-frog is feeling whole again as leapfrog.

The blame, as is so often the case, has been put at least in part on electronic communication. In our time-poor lifestyles, dominated by the dashed-off [or should that be dashed off or dashedoff] e-mail, we no longer have time to reach over to the hyphen key.
And English, being a language lacking any kind of governing body and instead relying on studies of usage, is changing to keep up.
Shorter OED editor Angus Stevenson doesn't want anybody to get angry over the hyphen's decline.
"We only reflect what people in general are reading. We have been tracking this for some time and we've been finding the hyphen is used less and less," he says.

"It will probably upset a few people but the point I would make is that we are only reflecting widespread everyday use. We are not saying it should be dropped completely."
Geoffrey Leech, emeritus professor of linguistics and English language at Lancaster University, agrees that there has been some decline in its use.
Data drawn from a wide range of publications taken in 1961 and 1991 suggested a 5% decline in hyphen usage over the three decades. He thinks e-mails may be part of the answer.
"When you are sending e-mails, and you have to type pretty fast, on the whole it's easier to type without hyphens. Ordinary people are not very conscious of the fact of whether they are putting hyphens or not."

Chris Robinson, who edits for Scottish Language Dictionaries and gives classes in advanced writing at the University of Edinburgh, says she has bigger grammatical fish to fry, with undergraduates often needing an explanation as to the difference between a noun and a verb and where to place a full stop.
"I tell my writing classes the hyphen is there to help the reader and to show either that two words are linked in some significant way or to add understanding in words like go-between and de-icing," she says.
"Language is always changing. It has to move with the times. There have to be conventions. There has to be a negotiated common ground but within that there's room for variation and a degree of creativity."
One battleground is the word e-mail itself. The likes of the BBC and the New York Times are fighting a valiant defence of the hyphen. But to much of the rest of the world, it's email.
With the hyphen, Mr Stevenson notes: "It's starting to look a lot like something your grandmother might write."

I've just had some good news; although when I first answered the phone I thought it wasn't. BT have just phoned me to inform me that my broadband usage charge is being reduced by £3 per month - I was worried that they were phoning me because I've been downloading a lot of TV episodes and films recently. Since my package includes BT Vision; the broadband TV package, I don't suppose I need worry about my increased usage.

Because BT Vision requires my wirless hub to be operating I can't access the service because my computer doesn't have a wireless card installed and I'm not sure how well it would work with Windows 98SE anyhow.

Still; even without BT Vision I'm able to watch plenty of live TV and download many films and on-demand TV episodes.

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the
scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the
floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of
energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave
them alone, they're for the funeral!"

It was a stick up of a different kind for one Australian burglar, who broke into a neighbour's house and played sex games in the bathroom with a bottle of toilet detergent and a vacuum cleaner.

A court in the northern city of Brisbane heard how 27 year old Jamie Lacey, high on drugs, broke into the house in September 2004, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and making a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove, the Brisbane Times reported.

Lacey was arrested in December 2006 after police matched DNA his DNA to that on the rubber glove, according to the Australian Associated Press.

A vacuum cleaner was also found in the bathroom, but the judge dismissed a defense submission that there was no proof the vacuum has been used for sexual purposes.

"I'm sure that your client didn't hoover the carpets," the newspaper and AAP quoted judge Tony Rafter as saying.

Lacey was sentenced to 12 months community service, with judge declining to send him to jail since he had held a steady job for two years and was now a father.

Couple divorce after online 'affair'

A Bosnian couple are getting divorced after finding out they had been secretly chatting each other up online under fake names.

Sana Klaric, 27, and husband Adnan, 32, from Zenica, poured out their hearts to each other over their marriage troubles, and both felt they had found their real soul mate.

The couple met on an online chat forum while he was at work and she in an internet cafe, and started chatting under the names Sweetie and Prince of Joy.

They eventually decided to meet up - but there was no happy ending when they realised what had happened.

Now they are both filing for divorce - with each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

Sana said: "I thought I had found the love of my life. The way this Prince of Joy spoke to me, the things he wrote, the tenderness in every expression was something I had never had in my marriage.

"It was amazing, we seemed to be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriages - and how right that turned out to be.

"We arranged to meet outside a shop and both of us would be carrying a single rose so we would know the other.

"When I saw my husband there with the rose and it dawned on me what had happened I was shattered. I felt so betrayed. I was so angry."

Adnan said: "I was so happy to have found a woman who finally understood me. Then it turned out that I hadn't found anyone new at all.

"To be honest I still find it hard to believe that the person, Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things to me on the internet, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years."

Just a quick thought.

Complete the following sentence:

Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree in the Garden of Eden...

A US man saved his own life when he crashed his car into a tree as he choked on an onion ring.

Bryan Rocco had blacked out but the force of the collision dislodged the food that was stuck in his throat.

Mr Rocco, 43, from Vineland, New Jersey, was not badly hurt in the crash, reports the Daily Journal.

"I was on my way back to the office and stopped at Burger King and bought a chicken sandwich and onion rings," he said.

"I started to choke on one of the onion rings and then I guess I just blacked out."

His company-owned Scion swerved and crossed the road, hit a kerb and then struck a tree.

"Next thing I knew, when I came back to," he said, "I was on my side, facing the opposite direction."

The air bag had apparently dislodged the bit of onion ring stuck in his throat.

"The whole thing caught me by surprise," he said. "I was going out, blacking out and then I'm awake."

Mr Rocco's boss, Dan Haer, said he had been emailing pictures of the crashed car to all of his friends.

"Bad news is, he crashed and most likely totaled the company-supplied 2006 Scion XB; good news is he didn't choke to death on his lunch," Mr Haer said.

Man, 72, refused alcohol over age

Staff say all customers are asked for proof of age
Supermarket staff refused to sell alcohol to a white-haired 72-year-old man - because he would not confirm he was over 21.
Check-out staff at Morrisons in West Kirby, Wirral, demanded Tony Ralls prove he was old enough to buy his two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Mr Ralls asked to see the manager who put the wine back on the shelf.

The grandfather-of-three said he had refused to confirm he was over 21 as it was a "stupid question."

Mr Ralls, a retired insurance firm regional manager, said he expected the store manager to resolve the situation but he was disappointed.

"I felt like saying 'What do I look like? Are you a fool?'

"He picks up the wine and, in the manner of a child taking home his ball, says 'Well, we won't serve you'."

The pensioner abandoned his shopping on the conveyor belt and left the store - but not before demanding a complaints form and phone number for Morrisons' headquarters.

Mr Ralls said: "It is bureaucracy gone mad. If the check-out lady, who was about 40, had asked me with a twinkle in her eye perhaps I would not have been so tetchy.

"But she asked me the question with a perfectly straight face and I said I wouldn't dignify the question with an answer.

"And if the manager had explained that all the staff had to ask everyone because they had previously been fined, but said I was clearly over 21, it would have been fine - but he showed no sense of humour."

Mr Ralls added that he felt embarrassed to return to the supermarket and wanted an apology for "the stupid and unnecessary confrontation."

He added: "I applaud any efforts to stop kids being served and standing on street corners getting drunk. But this was just totally stupid."

A Morrisons spokesman said: "We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously and all our stores operate the Task 21 scheme, which addresses the difficulties our staff face in being able to determine if a customer is legally old enough to buy alcohol.

"To further limit any element of doubt staff at the West Kirby store are required to ask anyone buying alcohol to confirm that they are over 21."

My brother has been visiting. He still lives with our parents in Thurnscoe, the pit village where we both grew up and he's told me that today the Netto supermarket which is due to open next week is having a 'viewing day' whereby people can go and have a look at what the store is selling...but can't buy anything yet.

This is very strange; I've never come across anything like this before.

Man rescued as car hits buffalo

Firefighters cut a 19-year-old man free from his car after it crashed into a water buffalo in south Cumbria.
The Fiat Punto hit the large animal on the A590, near Dalton-in-Furness, on Monday night.

Police said the privately-owned buffalo, known locally as William Shakespeare, died at the scene. It had escaped from a nearby field.

The driver, from Barrow, was taken to Furness General Hospital and treated for minor injuries.

Two other cars, a Ford Focus and a Nissan Micra, collided after swerving to avoid the buffalo and the Fiat.

The Nissan's two occupants were taken to hospital where the female passenger was treated for whiplash.

A Cumbria Police spokesman said the buffalo had escaped from the field on previous occasions.

He said: "A water buffalo named William Shakespeare, who was very well known in the area, tragically sustained fatal injuries in the collision and died at the scene.

"Its owner is from the Walney area and it is believed to have escaped before.

"There will be a normal police investigation into the collision."

Yesterday I posted about my speaking in Yorkshire dialect and today I thought I'd list a few of the prominent features of the dialect I speak; which people call 'Tyke' or 'Broad Yorkshire.'

Features:

The ability to distinguish between the formal, colloquial and plural when using 'you' - there are also separate subject, object and possessive forms of all pronouns and also
altered forms when preceding a vowel.

The letter aitch is never pronounced.

Most vowel sounds are pronounced significantly different to Standard English.

Much of the vocabulary is derived from Old Norse.

The letter 'l' is much more frequently not pronounced than in Standard English - examples are 'soldier', 'cold' and 'shoulder'.

A separate recounting tense.

Quite often the definite article isn't used.

Some verbs have different [more archaic] past tenses.

All words ending in 'ing' are pronounced as though they end in 'in' - this certainly isn't unique to the Yorkshire dialect.

Glass in man's eye for 6 years

A Chinese man lived with a large shard of glass hidden under his right eye for six years.

Xiao Zhu, 22, had the eye injured by a beer bottle during a fight six years ago in Jinjiang city.

"I had an operation right after the injury to fix the tear duct and the operation was successful," he said.

"The wound sealed perfectly but the only problem was I always had tears running down which I thought was just a consequence of the operation."

But one month ago Xiao Zhu's right eye became more painful. Check-ups in different hospitals found nothing abnormal.

Finally surgeons at Dongnan Eye Hospital in Fuzhou city operated and found the shard of glass 6cms deep.

Xiao Zhu will keep the 3.5 cm long shard as a souvenir after he checks out of the hospital, reports IC Network.

If I were to speak in my local version of Yorkshire dialect most native English speakers would have difficulties understanding much of what I'd be saying and many people for whom English isn't their mother tongue wouldn't even even recognise my speech as a form of English.

Yorkshire boy talks posh after op

A Yorkshire boy who had a brain op after suffering meningitis woke up talking like a southern toff.

William McCartney-Moore's family were stunned when the 10-year-old York lad started chatting like a member of the Royal Family.

Mum Ruth, 45, told The Sun: "He went in with a Yorkshire accent and came out all posh.

"He no longer has short 'a' vowel sounds - they are all long in words like 'bath'. We couldn't believe it because he had a northern accent before his illness. He just thinks he is speaking normally."

William was struck down with a rare form of meningitis. He was in hospital for 13 months but has now recovered and is back at school. The op affected a part of his brain that controls speech.

William can also now play the trumpet and piano better than he did before the op.

Music teacher Ruth said: "He lost everything after the surgery. William couldn't read or write and his speech was bizarre."

I suppose if a kilo is now officially slightly lighter, by definition everything weighed in kilos will seem to be heavier - a good reason for sticking with Imperial weights and measures.

Kilogram 'losing weight'

The original prototype for the kilogram, stored under lock and key near Paris, appears to be losing weight.

The cylinder, which dates back from 1889, seems to have lost 50 micrograms, compared with the average of dozens of copies of the original.

Richard Davis, of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sevres, said: "The mystery is that they were all made of the same material, and many were made at the same time and kept under the same conditions, and yet the masses among them are slowly drifting apart."

The one in Sevres is the original that the kilogram is based upon. It is kept in a triple-locked safe at a chateau.

"It's not clear whether the original has become lighter, or the national prototypes have become heavier," said Michael Borys, of Germany's national measures institute.

"But by definition, only the original represents exactly a kilogram."

A New Zealand woman with no legs is having a mermaid's tail made to help her swim.

Nadya Vessey, from Auckland, is having the tail made by the company behind the special effects in Lord of the Rings and King Kong.

She was born with a condition that meant her legs would never develop properly, reports the Stuff news website.

She began swimming after she had her first leg amputated at seven. Despite having her other leg amputated at 16, she swam competitively in high school and now swims as often as she can.

The tail will be moulded on to a pair of wetsuit shorts to make it easy to put on and take off. Vessey says it will allow her to propel herself through the water as if she was a mermaid.

Ms Vessey, who is in her 50s, came across Weta Workshop's prosthetic department one night while surfing the internet.

She decided to email them her idea about a tail "just to put the idea out there" and, much to her surprise, their reply was immediate.

Weta was excited about the challenge and offered to donate its staff time and expertise to make the tail if Vessey could cover the costs of the materials, which she did with a grant from a charity.

"I began to feel a bit embarrassed about it. But then everybody else got so excited so I thought: "Oh, I'll just go with it and see what happens"," she said.

Ms Vessey asked Weta to make the tail practical and beautiful. They told her not to worry that they would even put scales on it.

"So I really have no idea what to expect but it's going to be fun," she said.

I've just realised: Saturday was the tenth anniversary of my moving to Doncaster; I didn't move far though - just from Thurnscoe, a pit village, seven miles away.

What have I done for these ten years?

Worked for six months as a community worker at Askern.

Six months workfare, also as a community worker, at Thorne.

Two periods of six months claiming Sickness Benefit - nervous breakdowns, although I thought there was nothing wrong with me.

Several hundred more poems published.

Surveyors have revealed that a mountain in Wester Ross, thought to be a contender for Munro status, does not measure up.
Beinn Dearg in Torridon stands at 2997.58ft but its height is 2.42ft short of the 3000ft (914.4m) needed to qualify as a Munro.

Larbert-based surveyors CMCR Ltd checked the stature of the summit.

Munros are the highest of Scotland's mountains, with many people pursuing the goal of "bagging" all 284 of them.

Two surveyors from CMCR Ltd, along with members of the Munro Society, took the new measurements for Beinn Dearg during a trip in April.

The peak will now remain a Corbett, the name given to mountains measuring between 2,500ft and 3,000ft.

A similar exercise conducted on Foinaven in Sutherland in June by the firm found the Corbett was 12ft short of a Munro.

Team members revealed their findings during a media conference in Falkirk on Friday.

The Munro Society was formed in 2002 and has more than 3,000 members who have climbed all of Scotland's Munros.

After my earlier posting about Northern Rock bank; here's a news report I've found about another aspect of banking.

LAW lecturer Graham O'Brien was barred from accessing his bank details on the phone - because staff thought he was a woman.

Graham, 29, admits he has a high--pitched voice, but is furious after his telephone banking facility at the Halifax was blocked five times because the bank refused to believe he was a man.

And he is now considering legal action for sex discrimination over the frustration, upset, and inconvenience they have caused him.

Graham, from Collyhurst, said: "It has just been unbelievable. I feel I have been humiliated and alienated.

"I have had a letter from my branch in Manchester apologising, but I have made an official complaint about what has happened, and I intend to take it further."

Graham, who lectures in business management and law at a college in Leeds, has been with the Halifax for six months, and until July had not had a problem.

He said the trouble started when he and his partner went away for the weekend and he called the bank to check whether his salary had been paid in.

He said: "I rang the customer services centre and spoke to a young man who told me after a few seconds that he would have to put me on hold.

"He then came back on and told me their computer system had gone down and he couldn't help me. I thought nothing of it at the time and ended the call."

But when Graham phoned again he was told he would have to go into his branch on Cross Street, Manchester, and told an on-screen message on the bank's system had marked him down as a `suspect' customer, who was possibly a woman.

Three days later he visited a branch of the Halifax in Leeds where he was working and staff there couldn't understand why there was a problem with his identity and reinstated the tele-banking facility.

But after being able to use the service for three or four days, the same thing happened again - and again. And each time staff refused to accept that he was who he said he was.

He said: "The ridiculous part about it is that any tele-banking customer has to correctly answer questions about themselves as a security measure to avoid fraud.

"I did this on every occasion, and they still wouldn't accept that I was Graham O'Brien."

Graham's partner Julian Achilli said: "Just because he's got a bit of a squeaky voice why can't they accept that he is who he says he is."

A Halifax spokesman said that after we brought the matter to their attention they had contacted Graham to apologise.

The spokesman said:" Where there is any doubt about the authenticity of the caller we must take every precaution.

"Mr O'Brien's phone banking facility has now been fully reinstated."

I've been watching news reports about the problems at the Northern Rock bank and seeing the pictures of hundreds of people queuing up to withdraw their savings.

I was always under the impression that any money deposited in a bank account is guaranteed by the Bank of England; however, this isn't the case, only the first £2,000 is; with amounts up to £35,000 you will only get 90% of your money back...and for larger amounts, who knows?

Yet, whenever banking experts are interviewed on TV they are very critical of the the customers for 'panicking' and making things worse and keep stressing how their money is safe...BUT IT ISN'T SAFE!

For many people the prospect of losing several thousand Pounds of their life savings is forcing them to get at the money now...many of these people will have lost out in the pensions mis-selling scandals of the 1980s and I have have every sympathy with them.

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about
to go into his apartment and before he could
open his door his girlfriend said:
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes
love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says,
"Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him,
"Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in
the lock, and opens the door hard, then that
means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around
and can't seem to find the hole than that means
he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said,
"Honey, how do you unlock your door?",
"Well" he said, "first before I do
anything else, I lick the lock."

Bee sting burst breast implant

A Taiwanese woman's breast implant was reportedly burst by a bee sting.

The 31-year-old woman, from Miaoli town, was wearing a low-cut dress while riding her motorcycle when her right breast was stung by a bee.

"My right breast disappeared in only two days," said the woman, who received the implant three years ago, according to Southern China City News.

Surgeon Zeng Dingchang says the saline implant is supposed to resist pressure of up to 200 kg, and said it was "very strange" for one to deflate because of a bee sting.

"She is very skinny, and the implant made the skin of her breast even thinner, and therefore easy to penetrate," he said.

The surgeon has now performed a replacement implanted operation - but warns that acupuncture or yoga could cause it to burst again.

Two young Romanian men were arrested at Rome’s most famous fountain as they allegedly fished for coins with magnets as a crowd of tourists watched.

Police said the pair removed about 800 euros ($1,102) worth of change from the Trevi Fountain, the Italian news agency Ansa reported.

Tourists toss coins into the fountain over their shoulders, an act that supposedly guarantees a return visit to Rome. The money gathered from the Trevi is given to Caritas, a Catholic charity that provides services for poor Romans.

The Romanians used long poles with magnets attached to the end, a technique used by the Trevi Fountain’s most famous thief. The man was nicknamed D’Artagnan after one of "The Three Musketeers" because he used a magnet on a sword-like pole and was banned from the area around the fountain in 2002 after 30 years of stealing from it.

A Florida man has been besieged with job offers - after he was sacked for saving a woman from an armed robber.

Juan Canales, 42, lost his job as a waiter with a Thai restaurant in Fort Lauderdale after his boss got sick of the media attention.

But he quickly received new job offers once the twist to the story was reported in the local press, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

"I just felt bad for him because here is a guy who does the right thing and he gets fired for it," said Peggy Talerico, of All Atlas Roofing.

Robert Garofalo, owner of an electrical repair business, said he, too, wanted to help: "Come on, the guy fired him for being a hero. Ridiculous."

Canales was fired after subduing a knife-wielding robber who tried to steal a Honda car from a woman customer.

He disarmed the man then, with the help of three other men, managed to hold the robber down until police arrived.

Mr Canales then spent an hour talking to police and the media. He returned to work but when the lunch shift ended, his boss fired him.

"The owner got belligerent" about all the attention his scuffle with the carjacker generated, he said.

Although he was "devastated," Mr Canales said, "I would do it again because it was the right thing to do."

Paddington swaps marmalade for Marmite

Paddington Bear is courting controversy by swapping his famous marmalade sandwiches for Marmite.

Fans are bound to accuse the bear of selling out when TV viewers see him appear in an advert for Marmite.

Paddington enjoys a Marmite sandwich, then shares it with a distinctly unimpressed pigeon, reflecting the spread's 'love it or hate it' slogan.

The bear has been eating marmalade sandwiches since he was found on a station platform by Mr and Mrs Brown at the start of Michael Bond's first Paddington book 49 years ago.

Cheryl Calverley, Marmite brand manager, said: "We are really excited to be working with Paddington Bear.

"Both the Marmite brand and Paddington bear are British institutions and bring back warm nostalgic childhood memories."

Karen Jankel, managing director of Paddington and Co, said: "I think fans might be perturbed if they thought he was giving up marmalade, but they should know he's not. He just wanted to try something different."

Roof-busting bloom shocks curator of botanic gardens

For the anxious father it was months of waiting, watching and preparing - then go away for two days and miss the whole thing. In the case of Nigel Brown's happy event, his baby is a two-metre flower stalk flapping about in the wind over a six-metre century plant, and its explosive birth has trashed his glasshouse.
The plant, Agave americana, has evolved to withstand the arid climate of Mexico: it can grow slowly over decades to an enormous size, then flowers just once. Its common name is the century plant because it was thought to flower only once in 100 years: many British botanists have waited their entire professional lives to see one flower.

"I was completely dumbfounded when I came back on Monday and saw it," Dr Brown, curator of the Bangor University botanical gardens, said yesterday. "It had grown 6ft [1.8m] in the two days I was away, smashing straight through the glass, which after 28 years watching over it seemed a bit of a shock."
The plant has now put on another four metres, and is waving like a flagpole over the ruined roof of the glasshouse. "We thought at first it was so shocked nothing more would happen, but it's as if it stopped, took a look around, worked out what to do next, and then really went for it," he said.

It was a proud moment for Dr Brown, who as a student in 1979 personally transplanted the then kitchen window sill sized baby, probably about five years old, into the university's new display of cacti and succulents.

For a few years after he transplanted it, it sat quietly in its corner not doing very much.

As he graduated, and eventually became boss of the botanic gardens where he had first been a student volunteer, it started to hurl out new leaves as thick as his arm, until it took over the entire south-eastern corner of the glasshouse. In the next few weeks it will set between 100,000 and 1m seeds, which if it were not designed for the Mexican desert rather than the bracing sea air of north Wales, could have turned the whole region into a forest of his botanical grandchildren.

The plant, and the publicity, couldn't have come at a better time for his beloved garden. Last year the university, concerned about the maintenance cost, discussed closing it, and it was only saved by a public outcry - but the gardener was made redundant, which is why Dr Brown was rarely out of sight of his precious plant.

What happens next leaves Dr Brown struggling for scientific detachment: the plant, which saves all its energy for one explosive flowering, attracting insects, birds and even bats from miles around to scatter the seeds, dies.

"It is rather sad. Already the leaves have started to shrivel, and eventually they will die completely, leaving only the flower stalk - which is now as thick as my calf - which could last for a few years but will eventually rot too," he said.

"We will of course be saving the seed, and we have a few small plants ready, so we will obviously be replacing it - but this time a little further from the glass."

A university lecturer is begging doctors for help after coughing 100 times an hour for the past 13 years.

Newly-wed Nicholas Peake has tried scores of remedies but can only control the problem by chewing gum, which he hates.

Mr Peake, 57, of Lowton, Greater Manchester, has just a few minutes peace each morning before the coughing starts, reports The Sun.

He said: "I've tried everything from acupuncture and homeopathy to new drugs but nothing has worked.

"It's very debilitating. The only way I can do my job is to chew gum. I married a few months ago and now my wife is sick of my cough too.

"If someone could cure me for £5,000, I'd gladly pay."

Mr Peake has now been referred to the North West Lung Centre, which researches chronic coughs.

Prof Ashley Woodcock said: "Persistent coughing can be a common problem."

I can really sympathise with this person. Fortunately I don't have coughing fits, but I do suffer from hayfever and can sometimes have sneezing fits which last for a couple of minutes and leave me feeling very tired and with pulled muscles.

A Ukrainian man has been arrested after making use of one of the exhibits at a new museum dedicated to the history of the toilet.

The museum, which opened only last week in the capital Kiev and claims to be the first of its kind in the world, has now added "Not for use" signs on all its exhibits.

The toilet museum takes visitors through the entire history of the modern loo from its earliest beginnings as a hole in the ground to modern-day toilets with all mod-cons.

There is even a section dedicated to toilets of the future.

Vassiliy Kovalchuk, 48, who has apologised to museum staff, said: "I didn't realise they were only to look at when I was caught short.

"They told me afterwards visitors are supposed to use the public toilets on the street. I told them I want my money back."

abundunce - a dumb bunny
accordionated - able to drive and refold a road map at the same time
aeroma - the odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster
ambidextrose - able to put sugar in coffee with both hands
audioptics - the act of turning down the car stereo while looking for an address in an unknown neighbourhood
baggravation - a feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have
bananosecond - time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
banectomy - the removal of bruises on a banana
baudy house - a bordello with a modem
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
bullemia - ability to tell endless tall tales
bustard - very rude metro bus driver
deifenestration - to throw all talk of God out the window
dêjà stew - leftovers
dentopedology - the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it
dijon vu - feeling that you've tasted this mustard before
disconfect - to sterilise the sweet dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs
eunough - the pain of castration
feastiality - sexual food fetish
flatulance - an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
flopcorn - the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker
foreploy - a misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
fornicat - a promiscuous pussy
genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use
giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up
idiot box - the part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves
impotience - eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription
inoculatte - to take coffee intravenously when running late
intaxication - euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
jeanealogy - study of Levi's, Wranglers, and other denims
Klaustrophobia - fear of Germans
lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep
millihelen - the amount of beauty required to launch one ship
peternity - responsibility for a pet for a long, long time
pompomposity - cheerleader arrogance
pro boner - in favor of erections
procastinator - a fishing expert, gifted at casting lures
procatstinate - when a cat can't decide to go out or stay inside
procrastinapping - the period of sleep between when the alarm first goes off and when you finally get out of bed
pupkus - the moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it
sinema - where you watch naughty movies
Sosumi - a new Japanese restaurant for lawyers
viropause - the end of virility
witlag - the delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke

Reservoir drained in search for monster

Officials in China emptied a reservoir after residents complained a monster was lurking in its depths.

Locals claimed they heard 'Moo' sounds coming from the water at night, reports the Western China City Daily.

Hongxian township government instructed the Yongfu Hydropower plant to empty its reservoir even though it had only been open for two months.

They spent about five days letting the 35ft reservoir run dry - and found nothing more than pebbles.

"We had to empty the reservoir, since more and more people were visiting it, and it was dangerous," a spokesman explained.

The Atheist

One beautiful morning a atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's surroundings...

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...

He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...

He thought to himself that Mother Nature had made a true and wonderful world...

The atheist had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...

Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground...

As the bear's shadow fell upon his face and his paws came down upon his chest, the atheist screamed
"Oh help me God"

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...

The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..

And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..

"I am god, and even though you don't believe in me, I am here for every being on this Earth"

The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked God...

"I'm sort of in this situation, I'm only asking if you can help me get out of it"

God thought for a moment and said...

"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish"

The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to God..

" Well I don't really want to become a Christian, so I wish the bear to become a Christian"

God spoke...

"So be it done"

Suddenly the sky closed up...

The river turned back into its flowing glory...

The trees began to sway again...

And the bear clapped his paws together and said...

"Thankyou God for this meal im about to receive"

A town council in Germany has decided the best way of improving road safety is to remove all traffic lights and stop signs downtown.

From September 12, all traffic controls will disappear from the center of the western town of Bohmte to try to reduce accidents and make life easier for pedestrians.

In an area used by 13,500 cars every day, drivers and pedestrians will enjoy equal right of way, Klaus Goedejohann, the town's mayor, told Reuters.

"Traffic will no longer be dominant," he said.

The idea of removing signs to improve road safety, called "Shared Space," was developed by Dutch traffic specialist Hans Monderman, and is supported by the European Union.

The EU will cover half of the 1.2 million euros ($1.66 million) it will cost Bohmte to ditch its traffic lights.

Monderman's ideas have already been implemented in the town of Drachten in the north of the Netherlands, where all stop lights, traffic signs, pavements, and street markings have gone.

"It's been very successful there," Goedejohann said, adding that accidents in Drachten had been reduced significantly.

Officials in Fuerstenberg/Havel, a small town north of Berlin, are also considering adopting the "Shared Space" scheme.

But not everyone is confident it will work.

"Just because it worked in the Netherlands doesn't mean it will work here," said Werner Koeppe, a road specialist at Berlin's Technical Traffic Institute.

When does Autumn begin?

According to the Met Office, it begins on September 1st.

According to countryside tradition it's the Autumn Equinox , September 21st./22nd.

Here in Doncaster, Autumn begins as soon as the tail of the last horse to finish in the St. Leger race (Saturday September 15th. this year) passes the finishing post at the racecourse.

Additionally, Spring will begin the very moment that the nose of the winning horse in the Lincoln Handicap (held at Doncaster every March.) passes the winning post.

Possible Energy Source: Burning Seawater

Cancer Researcher Discovers Hydrogen From Salt Water Can Be "Burned" By Radio Frequencies

An Erie cancer researcher has found a way to burn salt water, a novel invention that is being touted by one chemist as the "most remarkable" water science discovery in a century.

John Kanzius happened upon the discovery accidentally when he tried to desalinate seawater with a radio-frequency generator he developed to treat cancer. He discovered that as long as the salt water was exposed to the radio frequencies it would burn.

The discovery has scientists excited by the prospect of using salt water, the most abundant resource on earth, as a fuel.

Rustum Roy, a Penn State University chemist, has held demonstrations at his State College lab to confirm his own observations.

The radio frequencies act to weaken the bonds between the elements that make up salt water, releasing the hydrogen, Roy said. Once ignited, the hydrogen will burn as long as it is exposed to the frequencies, he said.

The discovery is "the most remarkable in water science in 100 years," Roy said.

"This is the most abundant element in the world. It is everywhere," Roy said. "Seeing it burn gives me the chills."

Roy will meet this week with officials from the Department of Energy and the Department of Defense to try to obtain research funding.

The scientists want to find out whether the energy output from the burning hydrogen - which reached a heat of more than 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit - would be enough to power a car or other heavy machinery.

"We will get our ideas together and check this out and see where it leads," Roy said. "The potential is huge."

Efforts to save a rare fish suffered a setback when scientists realised they'd been restocking rivers and lakes with the wrong species.

Researchers at the University of Colorado have been trying to restore the cutthroat trout, Colorado's official state fish, to its native habitat since the early 1970s.

They described the blow to the expensive, decades-long effort as a "setback", reports the Rocky Mountain News.

"This was a very surprising result," said Jessica Metcalf, a researcher at CU who led the study. "It's not at all what we expected."

The greenback cutthroat, named for the brilliant crimson slashes behind its jaw, was named Colorado's state fish in 1994.

It had been declared endangered in 1973 when the scheme was launched to restore the species using sperm and eggs from what were believed to be nine relic populations.

However, using DNA analysis, researchers recently found that five of those nine relic populations weren't greenback cutthroats at all, but Colorado River cutthroats.

Bruce Rosenlund of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, played down the discovery and said only DNA technology could tell the difference between the two species.

"Our feeling for a long time has been that they were very, very closely related and indistinguishable... other than the fact that one's on the east side of the Continental Divide and one's on the west side," he said.

Man fined for getting run over.

Monday, September 3, 2007 When a police car swerved off the road and ran over Daniel Horne's foot, he thought he was owed an apology.

But instead he was landed with an £80 fine – for denting the car.

Mr Horne, 28, said he was 'speechless' when the PC who had been at the wheel wrote in the fine notice: 'You ran into the nearside front wing of a marked police vehicle causing a dent.'

He said: 'I was in agony, with my foot broken in bits, and I end up being fined for my body damaging the police car.'

The businessman was on his way home from a night out with friends when he was rammed from behind, knocked over and had his foot crushed under the wheels of the patrol car.

The group had pulled over when their own car had a flat tyre, leaving the vehicle with the hazard warning lights flashing to walk to the nearest village to find help.

But a passer-by thought they were dumping the car and called the police.

Mr Horne said: 'I was just walking along the pavement and heard the police car siren coming behind us.

'The next thing I knew was that the police car came on to the pavement to stop us.

'The car hit my right leg and I fell over – with my foot being crushed under the front wheel.'

Mr Horne said the police soon accepted they had done nothing wrong and Mr Horne was driven to hospital after the accident in Beddau, near Pontypridd, South Wales.

He added: 'The copper was very helpful and was there with me for about three hours while the doctors examined me.

'He gave me a lift back but then he told me, “Sorry but I've got to do this to cover myself”.'

Doctors have told Mr Horne, of Llanharry, Glamorgan, that he will need to wear a cast for nine weeks.

He has been unable to work at the courier company he runs and plans to sue the police for compensation.

He added: 'There is no way I'm going to pay the fixed penalty fine. I've spoken to my solicitor and I'm going to fight it all the way.'

ASouth Wales Police spokeswoman confirmed that a fixed penalty was issued for criminal damage, adding: 'We have received a complaint from Mr Horne and are looking into it.'

Professor of Computer Science
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Professor of Algebra
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Professor of Geometry
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Professor of Physics
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Professor of Chemistry
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Professor of Zoology
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Professor of Accountancy
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Professor of Economics
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Professor of Statistics
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Professor of Philosophy
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Professor of English
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Professor of Engineering
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

Music, books and Hollywood films... China can now add testimonies of regret by corrupt officials to its exhaustive list of copyright violations.

Zhang Shaocang, former Communist Party chief of state-owned power company Anhui Province Energy Group Co Ltd, wept as he read a four-page "letter of apology" during his corruption trial at a court in Fuyang, Anhui, according to a Procuratorial Daily report reproduced in Wednesday's Beijing News.

But Zhang's sentiments were later found to be strikingly similar to those of Zhu Fuzhong, a disgraced former party chief of Tongan village in southwestern Sichuan province, whose apology letter was printed in the Procuratorial Daily less than two weeks before.

"Before working, I never gave much thought to money and regarded achievement as the starting point and end result of my work," the paper quoted both of the letters as saying.

"I gradually lost my bearings and the scope of my position," Zhang said at his trial, an exact copy of Fu's own wording.

Apart from using whole sentences word for word, Zhang also -- more craftily -- made "slight changes" in other areas.

The Procuratorial Daily, the official paper of China's top prosecutions office, is distributed as reading material at many "supervision venues," the paper said, referring to the often secret locations where Communist Party officials are held for questioning.

It was possible that Zhang, while being investigated for charges of bribe-taking, had drawn inspiration from Zhu's apology in the hope of gaining leniency from the court, the paper said.

"Because of this, Zhang's apology was dismissed as 'show-boating,'" the paper said.

Blog streaking: Revealing secrets or personal information online, which for everybody's sake would be best kept private.

Crackberry: The curse of the modern executive, not being able to stop checking your BlackBerry even at you grandmother's funeral.

Cyberchondria: A headache and a particular rash at the same time? Extensive online research tells you it must be cancer.

Egosurfing: When "just checking" gets out of control.

Infornography: You're beyond being a healthy "infovore": acquiring and sharing information has become an addiction for you.

You Tube Narcissism: Not even your closest family want to see hours of your holiday videos.

Google-stalking: Snooping online on old friends, colleagues or first dates.

MySpace Impersonation: Many of us pretend to be someone we're not when we are online, but some will pretend to be a well-known figure.

Powerpointlessness: One too many flashy slides.

Photolurking: Flicking through a photo album of someone you've never met.

Wikipediholism: Excessive devotion to a certain online collaborative encyclopedia.

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks
her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face
and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and
she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat
and then all hell broke loose.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Venezuelan officials are trying to ban parents from choosing names like Superman for their children.

Officials warn attempts to use inappropriate names might be turned down by the civil registry if they "expose them to ridicule, are extravagant or difficult to pronounce".

The National Electoral Council has laid out the proposal in a draft Bill circulated to city offices in Caracas.

When opponents of President Hugo Chavez last year sought to question the accuracy of the voter rolls, they noted that even Superman was listed.

But electoral officials confirmed there are in fact two Venezuelans by that name registered to vote.

While unusual names appear in many countries, Venezuelans also use unusual spellings of English names like Maikel or Jhonny.

Current Venezuelan law already has a similar measure saying registry authorities should not accept names that would expose children to ridicule.

But the issue has until now been left up to the discretion of individual bureaucrats.

The new bill proposes to create a list of traditional names that could be offered to parents "as a reference" to provide options when they are registering their child's birth.

It says the list would have "no fewer than 100 names" and would grow over time.

TV's subtitles are produced by a computer using a phonetic algorithm. This sometimes makes for bizarre results. Apparently when someone was "killed by meningitis" the subtitle read "killed by men in nighties".

My mum's just phoned me to say that she's been knocked off her cycle by a car; but she's alright...just shook up a bit and a few bruises - but the bike is destroyed.

It seems that the person who was driving the car is my dad's cousin who he doesn't like at all. I've never met the woman and so can't comment; I can't even work out what relation she is to me.

Twenty minutes ago I was in the frozen food shop buying some beefburgers. I don't like a lot of seasoning and so was looking for some that were unseasoned. I noticed two boxes, one with a hint of seasoning and the other with a touch of seasoning; so, thinking aloud as I do [talking to myself] I said "Which is more, a touch or a hint?"

One of the young lads who works there was tidying up the contents of the adjacent freezer; but he immediately finished what he was doing and walked away.

Life expectancy: 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 seconds
Words spoken in lifetime: 123,205,750
Friendships: 1,700
Baths: 7,163
Dreams: 104,390
Beef and Veal consumed: 4.5 cows per person
Chickens consumed: 1,201
Potatoes consumed: 2,327 kilos
Chocolate: 10,354 bars
Baked Beans: 845 tins
Farts: 35,815 litres of wind
Soap: 656 bars
Toothpaste: 276 tubes
Deodorant: 272 cans
Shampoo: 198 bottles
Beer: 10,351 pints
Wine: 1,694 bottles
Vomit produced: 149 litres
Sex: 4,239 times
Holidays: 59 trips

My mum's phoned me with some rather shocking news about my cousin. She's quite upset; not just about the news, but also because her sister has taken over a fortnight to tell her.

GOING to the toilet and having sex are some of the activities people get up to when talking on the phone, says a British poll.

A survey released yesterday found 7 per cent of people had "been intimate" with a partner when on the telephone to someone else.
Men were more likely than women to have been involved in a romantic clinch when chatting on the phone, with 9 per cent admitting to answering a call when making love compared to 5 per cent of women.

The survey found one in 10 people admitted to taking a call while otherwise engaged. It also found that people in the Newcastle region of northern England, for example, were also most likely to chat to friends while sitting on the lavatory, with 44 per cent of people admitting to it compared with just 21 per cent of Scots.

Across Britain, nearly a third of people (31 per cent) admitted to having phone conversations while on the loo.

A total of 2188 people were questioned for the survey, which was carried out on behalf of the British Post Office.

Martin Moran, head of telephony at BPO, said: "We are certainly a nation of talkers – and judging by these figures, we won't let anything stand in the way of a good old gossip, which could turn out to be a fairly pricey habit."

At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: "Sin?"

1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!

7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Prays the Lord for the spelling chequer
That came with our pea sea!
Mecca mistake and it puts you rite
Its so easy to ewes, you sea.
I never used to no, was it e before eye?
(Four sometimes its eye before e.)
But now I’ve discovered the quay to success
It’s as simple as won, too, free!
Sew watt if you lose a letter or two,
The whirled won’t come two an end!
Can’t you sea? It’s as plane as the knows on yore face
S. Chequer’s my very best friend
I’ve always had trouble with letters that double
“Is it one or to S’s?” I’d wine
But now, as I’ve tolled you this chequer is grate
And its hi thyme you got won, like mine.

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
It came with my pea see;
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write;
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long,
And eye kin put the error rite;
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I’m shore your pleased two no;
Its let a perfect awl the weigh -
My chequer tolled me sew.

Tongans' scrummy lunch

Tonga's national rugby team stunned pub staff when they devoured a massive buffet lunch including 30 chickens - then wanted more.

The 30 players and 15 staff also ate 60lbs of roast lamb, 60lbs of beef fillet, 30lbs of pasta and 30lbs of potato salad washed down with 40 litres of orange juice.

After the feast pub bosses had to send out for £25 worth of chips from a nearby chippie because the team were still hungry.

The team are preparing for a World Cup showdown with England later this month.

According to the Mirror pub manager Shannon Van Dreven, 29, said: "The amount of food they ate was amazing. I couldn't believe it.

"Normally, it would have fed twice the number of people. When all the players moved in to fill their plates at the same time the room went dark - it was like a total eclipse of the sun.

"I've never seen so many enormous men in the same place. I'm 6ft 1in, but these guys made me feel tiny. They all had arms as thick as my thighs. We were warned they had big appetites but when I saw the amount of food we had prepared, I thought, 'There's no way they'll finish that'.

"But we had to send out to the kitchen for extra servings on five occasions. The chef was already panicking before they requested chips as well as the spread we had laid on."

The players from the South Pacific were invited to the Fusion Inn in Lymington, Hants, by co-owner Isi Tui Vai who was captain of the Tongan team in 1993.

Managers called in two extra chefs and three waiters to cope with the visit by the squad who had been training in Bournemouth.

McDonald's in Germany is developing a new type of ice cream holder after they caused the deaths of large numbers of hedgehogs.

The animals reportedly met their end by climbing into the beakers used to sell the company's McFlurry soft ice cream.

After licking out the remains the creatures were unable to free themselves and perished.

The new beakers will have a rubber rim that prevents the hedgehogs from getting trapped.

They will go into full production as soon as scientists have finished testing the product on a group of hedgehogs, according to McDonalds' spokesman Jennifer Gehrmann.

Something I just found out yesterday.

When a chairman of a committee has a casting vote when the result is a tie, this is actually an additional vote because he will have already voted himself. I've always assumed that having a casting vote means that you only have one vote; and are only allowed to use it when the committee is deadlocked and your vote will therefore be the deciding vote.

All these years I've been under the assumption that the chairman exercises power by deciding on the agenda and who speaks in a meeting.

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due to motion sickness. She made her way to the restroom, only to find it locked. She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to fight off the nausea, unsuccessfully. She soon rolled her head to the right and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore unaware of what had happened. When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit. Turning to him, Mrs. Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"

Actor playing Brutus stabs himself

ASPEN, Colo. - Julius Caesar lay dead and Brutus was talking to his co-conspirators about swords and blood when he paused and excused himself, saying "I seem to have stabbed myself."

Aspen actor/director Kent Hudson Reed accidently cut his leg open with the knife he was using in an outdoor performance of "Scenes from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar" on Wednesday.

He tried to carry on, "but my boot was filling up with blood and I was flubbing my lines, wondering if I was going to pass out, wondering if the audience could see the blood."

Portia (Susan Mauntel) took Brutus to a hospital for stitches and play narrator Tyson Young announced the performance was cancelled.

"That's what you get for trying to kill Caesar," he said.

Reed said actors normally don't use real knives, but the scene was set up so none of the performers were close enough to hurt each other.

"But I hadn't thought an actor might stab himself," he said.

Reed said the show would go on, although Brutus might be limping for a while.

A Russian mayor has banned his staff from making excuses for not doing their jobs.

Alexander Kuzmin, mayor of Megion in Siberia, said officials must stop using phrases such as "I don't know" and "it's lunch time".

Mr Kuzmin said city officials should help improve people's lives and solve their problems, not make excuses.

The list of 27 forbidden phrases includes "there's no money", "we're having lunch", "the working day is over", "somebody else has the documents" and "I think I was off sick at the time".

Mr Kuzmin warned in a statement that "the use of these expressions by city administration officials while speaking to the head of the city will speed their departure".

He said he was taking action as he was tired of civil servants telling him that problems were impossible to solve, rather than offering practical solutions.

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

Just a couple of personal examples:

I have to walk by a children's playground on my way into town. I always feel uncomfortable on a couple of counts; either I feel threatened when gangs of teenagers congregate in the area, or I feel that people in the nearby houses are looking at how often I'm passing and are assuming I'm a paedophile.

Quite often when I end up walking at the similar pace as a woman I feel I have to deliberately hold back or speed up to get well clear of her. On several occasions, when a woman has been approaching me she'll appear to deliberately cross over the road so as to avoid me. Yet again I'm made to feel like some sort of pervert.

And of course, Muslim woman who are covered head to toe in their burqas might just as well be carrying a placard saying all infidel men are rapists!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

An eight-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

"Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a
straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.' When he
finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

"Why did you ask that question, honey?"

"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

I've had a broadband connexion for over two years now and have recently been thinking how this has changed my life.

I don't go to the library any more.

I don't watch as much TV.

I'm now in regular contact with an old school friend who I'd not seen for many years.

It's much easier for me to submit my poems and have them published.

I have endless opportunities to pursue my interests in language, geography, military history, forteana, and current affairs.

A German court has awarded 3,000 euros ($4,100) in damages to a man who had to have the top of his skull replaced with plastic because of a faulty hospital fridge.

Doctors removed the top of the man's head and put it in cold storage while they operated on his brain, the court in the western city of Koblenz said Tuesday.

Because the refrigerator was defective, the section of skull was not kept cool enough and could not be reattached. Doctors replaced the bone with a plastic prosthesis.

The man sought compensation of at least 20,000 euros on the grounds that the prosthesis caused him headaches, affected his balance and made him unduly sensitivity to the weather.

Following consultations with experts, the court found that the operation had caused the man's discomfort, not the loss of the top of his skull.

Compensation of 3,000 euros was "appropriate and sufficient," it said.

"The experts consulted by the court concluded the new skull roof was better than the original," a court spokesman said.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said,
“Wedding Cake.”

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a cheque."

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said
nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention,
but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to
speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal.
There's no paper."

I've been watching the TV series for the past few weeks now and find it a bit hait and miss, but I suppose overall it's okay. Anyhow, it's starting me thinking about who my fictional heroes are.

Here's my list:

Hiro - Heroes: Time-travelling samurai geek warrior
Kiddo (The Bride)- Kill Bill: Revenge is a dish best served cold
Grissom - CSI: Entomology and literature will always solve the crime
Horatio - CSI Miami: Weirder and scarier than any of the criminals
Prot - K-PAX: The mentally disturbed alien who's come to save the world
John Keating - Dead Poets' Society: Let poetry be your salvation
John Locke - Lost: He knows what he needs to know, but doesn't know what he knows or why he needs to know it.

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick
on his collar. "I assume," she snarled,
"that there is a very good reason for you
to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in
the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

U.S. Family Tries Living Without China

Lamps, birthday candles, mouse traps and flip-flops. Such is the stuff that binds the modern American family to the global economy, author Sara Bongiorni discovers during a year of boycotting anything made in China.

In "A Year Without 'Made in China,'" (Wiley, $24.95) Bongiorni tells how she and her family found that such formerly simple acts as finding new shoes, buying a birthday toy and fixing a drawer became ordeals without the Asian giant.

Bongiorni takes pains to say she does not have a protectionist agenda and, despite the occasional worry about the loss of U.S. jobs to overseas factories, she has nothing against China. Her goal was simply to make Americans aware of how deeply tied they are to the international trading system.

"I wanted our story to be a friendly, nonjudgmental look at the ways ordinary people are connected to the global economy," she said in an interview before the book appears in July.

As a business journalist in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Bongiorni wrote about international trade for a decade. "I used to see the Commerce Department trade statistics, the billions of dollars, and think it had nothing to do with me," she said.

The reality was far different.

As the year unfolded, "the boycott made me rethink the distance between China and me. In pushing China out of our lives, I got an eye-popping view of how far China had pushed in," she wrote.

About 15 percent of the $1.7 trillion in goods the United States imported in 2006 came from China, economist Joel Naroff writes in the foreword. Much of that is the manufactured stuff that fills Wal-Mart and other retailers -- the necessities and frivolities sought by lower- and middle-income Americans.

Lower prices have been one benefit of Beijing's rise and make it very hard for consumers to forswear Chinese imports.

LEGOS, LAMPS

And hard it was.

For all of 2005, minor purchases required dogged detective work as Bongiorni scoured catalogues and read labels.

She repeatedly struck out trying to buy inexpensive shoes for her son, and even the chic local boutique that sold fancy European labels had gone out of business. So she shelled out $68 for Italian sneakers from a catalogue.

Broken appliances gathered dust because the spare parts came from China. And, with the Asian country having a near lock on the toy aisles, her 4-year-old son grew tired of taking Danish-made Legos to birthday parties as gifts.

The family resorted to snapping mouse traps when the gentler catch and release kind came from, you guessed it, China.

Bongiorni got a lesson in the global economy after products advertised as Made in USA turned out to have Chinese parts. She decided to keep a lamp with just this problem after speaking to the manufacturer and learning how China is "eating the lunch" of the few U.S lamp producers left.

Since the boycott's end, Bongiorni has chosen a middle ground. Her family seeks alternatives but accepts Chinese products when most practical. But one habit from the boycott remains: It required her to think hard about what she buys.

"Shopping became meaningful," she said.

I didn't go to bed until nearly two o'clock this morning; very unusual for me. I went to the pub for the first time in a month and met up with a couple of friends; we got talking and the time just disappeared.

I'm going out to the shops soon and when I return home I think I'll need to have a nap.

A Chinese wife has cut her husband's right hand off because of his internet addiction.

Jiang Ming of Chengdu city promised his wife, He Ling, that he would not go on the internet anymore and would spend more time at home to take care of their newborn son.

But after a short time he started to sneak into nearby internet cafes again to have video chats with girls.

"I was on the internet, and suddenly felt a numbness in my right hand. The arrow on the screen stopped moving," says Jiang Ming.

"Then I found that my right hand was on the mouse pad, and blood was shooting out."

In court, the husband pleaded with the judge to release his wife, since he was to blame for breaking his promise.

The court has adjourned and will announce its verdict on another date, reports Chongqing Evening News.

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man
falls in love with a young woman in her
twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell
her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the
friend, "if you tell her you're 90."