Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Helloooooooooooo - it's only 25 cents!"

This is what I'll be having for my dinner/lunch a bit later today:

Heligolandic fish and vegetable platter - Germany

Gratin dauphinois - France

Valencian paella - Spain

They were all being sold off cheaply. I'll bung them all into a largish casserole dish and cook it in the microwave.

A US police chief has stockpiled chainsaws - in case his city is invaded by zombies.

Police lieutenant Bruce Ferguson says his team are ready for any attack on Lansing, Michigan.

"We have been doing mock disasters and cross training for several years," he told the Lansing State Journal.

"People can feel confident, if zombies start invading, we'll know how to close the streets. We can get chainsaws too.

"If a swarm comes in on I-496 westbound, we'll block off the exits so they miss the city."

I've just returned from a meeting at Rossington Community Centre; one of the projects based there is wanting me to run a therapeutic writing group. It seems like the organisers are quite happy for the sessions to develop naturally depending on the people who attend...so we discussed poetry, short stories, autobiography, and performance pieces. The only thing stipulated was that they'd like to see some of the work published, either as a booklet or online - a group webpage or individual blogs.

I was surprised when I was told that the group will be starting in a fortnight's time; I was assuming nothing would happen until the New Year, but everyone is keen to get things moving.

Funding for the project hasn't been secured yet, but I'll be able to claim back my bus fare and will start to be paid some time next year.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"

So, the Royal Family is involved in another scandal and the press/media is being complicit in covering it up - there's not much freedom of expression in the UK, is there?

HER DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar so that the pebbles rolled into the open
areas
between the rocks. He again asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

Then the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked
again if the jar was full. The students replied yes.

The professor then poured two cans of beer into the jar - effectively
filling
the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said
the
professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that
this
jar
represents your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health,
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained
in your life, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
other
things that
matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else -
the
small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room
for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for the things that are important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with
your children. Take time for medical check ups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to work, clean, and fix up the
house.
Take care of the rocks first - the rest is just sand."

With that one of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer
represented. The professor smiled and said, "It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of beers."

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his Mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, The man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car...you or your mother?"

When a noxious cloud sent shoppers running in panic on the streets of London, emergency services feared the capital was under chemical attack.

Wearing specialist breathing equipment, fire crews sealed off the area in Soho on Monday afternoon and began a three-hour hunt to find the source of the eye-watering stench while a hazardous area response team stood by, fearing the worst.

Three streets were closed and people evacuated from the area as the search was carried out. After locating the source at about 7pm, emergency crews smashed their way into the Thai Cottage restaurant in D'Arblay Street only to emerge with a 9lb pot of smouldering dried chillies.

Baffled chef Chalemchai Tangjariyapoon, who had been cooking a spicy dip, was amazed to find himself at the centre of the terror scare.
"We only cook it once a year - it's a spicy dip with extra hot chillies that are deliberately burned," he said.

"To us it smells like burned chilli and it is slightly unusual. I can understand why people who weren't Thai would not know what it was but it doesn't smell like chemicals. I'm a bit confused."

Staff at the restaurant had already been evacuated by the time the dip was discovered. Supranee Yodmuang, a Thai Cottage waitress said: "The first we knew about it was at about 4.30 in the afternoon when the fire brigade came. They led us out to where the streets had been cordoned off and we waited there for about three hours.

"They said there was a chemical smell and I remember saying to someone that maybe the smell was the chillies but then we said that was not possible.

"When we came back at 7.30pm we saw the door had been smashed and there were fire brigade and police waiting outside. I was a bit scared but they were very nice about it."

The spicy dip, which is a speciality at the restaurant, is made from charred chillies, garlic flakes, dried shrimps, palm sugar, shrimp paste, tamarind and vegetable oil.

The restaurant, which has been open for 17 years, is considering putting up posters to warn the public during future chilli cooking sessions.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Well, maybe you could go to a blanket party and then, if you're up for it, go and sleep with the captain's daughter - I'm sure she'd enjoy your attention.

A surge in naked sleepwalking among guests has led one of Britain's largest budget hotel groups to re-train staff to handle late-night nudity.

Travelodge, which runs more than 300 business hotels in Britain, says sleepwalking rose seven-fold in the past year, and 95 percent of the somnambulants are scantily clad men.

"We have seen an increased number of cases over the years so it is important that our staff know how to help sleepwalking when it arises," Leigh McCarron, the chain's sleep director, said in a statement.

One tip in the company's newly released "sleepwalkers guide" tells staff to keep towels handy at the front desk in case a customer's dignity needs preserving.
The company said naked wanderers often ask receptionists such questions as "Where's the bathroom?," "Do you have a newspaper?" or "Can I check out, I'm late for work?"

Studies have found that sleepwalking can be brought on by stress, alcohol, eating cheese or consuming too much caffeine. It generally takes effect an hour or two after going to bed, when people are first slipping into a deep sleep.

Asked Thursday why she thought 95 percent of its sleepwalkers were naked men, a Travelodge spokeswoman said: "We have more men staying with us than women, so that could be a factor."

The final credits have rolled at a 23-seat cinema housed in an old railway carriage that has been entertaining film lovers for more than 50 years.
La Charrette, which stands in the back garden of a house in Gorseinon, near Swansea, was once officially recognised as the smallest cinema in Wales.

But wear and tear means it has become too costly to maintain.

The last screening - Ocean's 13 - was followed by a compilation of clips from films shown over the last 54 years.

The cinema was founded by electrician Gwyn Phillips, who fell in love with the silver screen while working in local cinemas as a teenager.

He built La Charrette in his back garden and invited family and friends to screenings.

Although he died in 1996, his family continued to allow the 70-strong members to screen films there, and seven years ago Lottery funding helped pay for a new video projection system and Dolby surround sound.

The chairman of the club, Ron Williams, has been visiting the cinema for the last 47 years.

He said he was "extremely sad" to watch his final film there as many members had also become close friends.

"The cinema has outlasted many of its commercial rivals," he added.

"Now sadly, because of structural problems with the building and an ageing membership, the committee and manager of the club have decided to call it a day.

"A survey has revealed that it is no longer economically viable to maintain the building - which will be demolished in the near future."

Shortly after Mr Phillips died, the British Film Institute recognised La Charrette as the smallest cinema in Wales.

Over the years it has shown classics such as Gone with the Wind and The Sound of Music to recent releases such as The Queen and Wild Hogs.

Yesterday I had some sausages for my tea. Apparently one of the ingredients was 'beef connective tissue.'

I'm now too scared to check Google to see what it is.

A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says.

Shannon Conwell, 33, said he and his 9-year-old son fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie. They awoke about 3 a.m. Friday to find their home on fire after hearing the family's Amazon parrot, Peanut, imitating a fire alarm.

"He was really screaming his head off," Conwell said.

The smoke alarm had activated, but it was the bird's call that caught Conwell's attention.

"I grabbed my son and my bird, and got out of the house," he said.

The fire destroyed the home's dining room, kitchen and bedroom, Muncie fire officials said. It remains under investigation.

Aside from Peanut, Conwell said the fact that he and his son fell asleep on the couch helped save them. They may not have heard the alarm or the bird if they were asleep in their bedrooms.

Conwell said he runs an air conditioner and a breathing machine in his bedroom and they drown out a lot of noise around the house.

A Belgian man who stopped an old woman being crushed in train doors as she got onto a train was handed a £40 pound fine for causing a delay.

Daniel Dewulf from Ostend was given the fine by a conductor after he pulled open the train doors after they closed on the elderly lady as she tried to get on.

He said: "I heard the conductor's whistle just as I got on the train and then realised someone else was trying to get on. The doors had closed on the elderly woman, trapping her.

"In order to prevent a tragedy I pushed the door open and helped her get in. She thanked me profusely. But the conductor gave me a fine because he said my actions increased the chance of a delay.

"He wasn't interested when I tried to explain to him that I had only opened the doors to try and save an old woman's life."

Belgian Railways has now apologised to Dewulf and a spokesman said: "We should have fined the woman in question for boarding the train after the whistle."

School trips that I went on:

Blue John Caverns, Castleton, Derbyshire
Jodrell Bank Radio Telescope, Cheshire
School's outward-bound camping barn, Cawthorne, near Barnsley
Circus at Doncaster
Nature trail at High Melton Campus, Doncaster
Houses of Parliament/Palace of Westminster, London

In some ways it's not my favourite time of the year. It's quite cold this morning and so I put on my heavy coat, not realising until I'd got to the end of the street that my wallet was in my jacket...it will be a lot simpler when it's cold enough so that I need to wear my coat every day; knowing that my wallet is in the inside pocket.

And then on Sunday morning there'll be all the inconvenience of having to put the clocks, and my watch back an hour.

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

This extract from an editorial about the British class system made me smile:

So someone will ask: "What about Osama Bin Laden? He must be working class: living in a cave and he can't even get on the council housing list." Then someone will answer: "How can he be working class when his job is making films?"

A tourist who was attacked by a crocodile while swimming in an Australian river was so drunk that he fell asleep at his campsite before going to hospital for treatment, a report said Friday.

Matt Martin was camping in an area of the northeastern state of Queensland known to be inhabited by crocodiles when he drank what he later described as "half a slab" -- or twelve cans of beer.

When he dived into the river at Cow Bay in the topical far north of the state, he landed on a crocodile.
After a brief wrestling match with the reptile, Martin emerged with gashes on his face requiring 40 stitches, The Australian newspaper reported.

Admitting his face was "pretty messed up" when he went back to his campsite, Martin, 35, from Newcastle city north of Sydney, then slept for seven hours before seeking medical help.

His injuries were so bad that when he finally did make it to hospital, he was holding a blanket to his face to stop the bleeding, the newspaper said.

Crocodiles inhabit most of the waterways in northern Australia and although attacks on humans are rare, they are potentially very dangerous and numbers have increased in recent years due to official protection after fears they might be wiped out by hunters.

Tattoo spells out Coca-Cola

A man who has proudly showed off his tattoo for 26 years was baffled to realise it actually spelt Coca-Cola.

Vince Mattingley had his named tattooed on his chest in Chinese writing after asking staff at his favourite restaurant to write his name in Chinese symbols.

But a waiter drew the Coke words - and Vince had it etched on his chest.

Vince only realised the mistake when he recently travelled to Thailand and a barman asked him why he had Coca-Cola written on his chest, reports The Sun.

Vince, of Watford, said: "I thought it was a joke then I found out that's what it said. The restaurant staff must have had a good laugh about it."

He now plans to get another Oriental tattoo to cover up the name. He added: "I'm going to go with something Japanese this time."

It's fortunate for me that I'm an early riser. Since the refuse collectors arrive at eight o'clock many people need to put out their bins the night before, but I'm able to do it first thing in the morning.

I've just been to put my bin out in the alleyway at the back of the houses and noticed that next door's bin has been set on fire and several others turned over, spilling the contents.

German police had to rescue a driver after he moved out of the way to allow a police car with flashing lights to pass, and got stuck in setting concrete.

Hans-Peter Wagner, 62, was driving on the A1 motorway near Ratekau in Northern Germany when he saw police flashing to get past him in his rear view mirror.
He instantly made way and pulled over but went straight into a stretch of road that had just been freshly concreted.

His car was later pulled out of the concrete by traffic cops.
Wagner said: "It looked like a regular road, and I didn't see it was wet concrete."

Four couples spent seven days on a spinning carousel in China in the hope of winning the keys to their own home.

They were among seven couples who entered the competition to win the downpayment on an apartment in Xiamen City.

They had to stay on the merry-go-round horses to eat, drink and sleep - and were only allowed to get off for toilet breaks.

Each contestant wore a safety belt to ensure they did not fall off when they were asleep, reports Xiamen Daily.

When four couples lasted the full seven days, the organisers - a local shopping mall - staged a decider. Each couple were given a golden egg to open with only one egg containing a note to say it was the winner.

The winners were Miss Xu and Mr Chen who said: "This will be the best present for us, since it means we can get our marriage certificate tomorrow."

The other three couples to go the distance were each given consolation prizes of the equivalent of £650 in cash.

A mother has beaten odds of a million to one after conceiving twice in a month.

Beverley Robson, 32, was still releasing eggs after her first conception and fell pregnant again two weeks later.

Beverly gave birth to healthy girls Leah born weighing 6lb 6oz and Lara 4lb 4oz.

The girls who come from different embryos and are not twins despite being born the same day, reports The Sun.
The phenomenon, known as superfecundation, usually results in the second baby dying as the older one gets better nourished in the womb.

According to the Sun Beverley of Bishop Auckland, Co Durham said: "They're my miracle babies. My consultant told me I should prepare for the worst because it's so rare for the second baby to survive.

"Your hormones are supposed to stop you ovulating when you're pregnant but mine didn't. Craig and me are thrilled, our family is complete."

Beverley also has two sons Kyle, nine, and six-year-old Zack with husband Craig, 29.

Italian teenagers are flocking to nightclubs to hear the 14th century poetry of Dante.

Passages from Dante's The Divine Comedy have been set to music by leading Italian DJ, Alessio Bertallot.

He spins the discs while actress Lucilla Giagnoni reads the poetry at the Disco Inferno events.

The music ranges from rock to jazz and techno dance music, reports The Daily Telegraph.

The show has become so popular that it is touring the Italy, culminating with a night at Rome's prestigious Auditorium venue early next year.

Many of the shows have been performed for free at Italian universities, including one on a helicopter landing pad at the Department of Aerospace Engineering at Milan's Polytechnic.

"The poetry is great for shouting out loud," said Ms Giagnoni. "The words are so strong that when you hear them in public, in a group, everyone stops to take note."

Mr Bertallot added: "We wanted to bring theatre into the clubs. On the stage there is just me and Lucilla. She recites Dante, and I also read various bits in a sort of rap.

"But my main job is to construct a soundscape for a voyage into the Dantean circles of hell.

"I'm no expert on The Divine Comedy. I studied it at secondary school, and then Lucilla helped me through it. I selected the songs because of their emotional effect."

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

The Effect of Country Music on Suicide
(S. Stack and J. Gundlach; Wayne State University and Auburn University; 1992)
"The greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate"

Love and Sex with Robots
(D. Levy; University of Maastricht; 2007)
"Human-robot marriages will be legal by 2050"

Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World's Literature
(D. Busch and J. Starling; Madison, Wisconsin; 1986)
"The study reports, among other items: a beer glass, a suitcase key and a magazine"

Chickens Prefer Beautiful Humans
(S. Ghirlanda, L. Jansson, M. Enquist; Stockholm University; 2002)
"The animals showed preferences for faces consistent with human sexual preferences"

Safe and Painless Manipulation of Penile Zipper Entrapment
(Satish Chandra Mishra; Charak Palika Hospital; 2005)
"A quick, simple and non-traumatic approach to penile zipper entrapment"

Pressures Produced When Penguins Poo -- Calculations on Avian Defecation
(V. Breno Meyer-Rochow and J. Gal; International University of Bremen and Lorand Eotvos University of Hungary; 2005)
"They get up, move to the edge of the nest, turn around, bend over... and shoot"

Farting as a Defence Against Unspeakable Dread
(Dr. M. Sidoli; Washington DC; 1998)
"When feeling endangered, Peter used his bodily smell and farts to envelop himself in a protective cloud"

Navigation-Related Structural Change In the Hippocampi of Taxi Drivers
(E. A. Maguire and others; University College London; 1999)
"The brains of London taxi drivers are more developed than those of their fellow citizens."

Ultrasonic Velocity in Cheddar Cheese as Affected by Temperature
(A. Mulet, J. Benedito and J. Bon; Polytechnic University of Valencia; 2006)
"The most reliable temperature interval to carry out ultrasonic measurements in Cheddar cheese is identified as 0 to 17 °C."

Impact of Wet Underwear on Thermoregulatory Responses and Thermal Comfort in the Cold
(M. K. Bakkevig and R. Nielson; Sintef Unimed and Technical University of Denmark; 1995)
"The thickness of the underwear has the most influence on thermoregulatory responses"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, seized Jim and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately took the event to the Director of the hospital. Both agreed that Edna must be sane to have such presence of mind, and should be discharged immediately from the hospital. To know exactly what to do and act upon it meant that Edna was mentally stable.
When the Nurse went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. We have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in his bathroom; right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead!"
Edna replied, "He did not hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon can I go home?"

Leaven and Earth ~ Bakery, Berkeley, CA

Salt and Battery ~ Fish and Chips, Brisbane, Australia

Juan More Taco ~ Taqueria in Fremont, CA

Citizen Canine ~ Dog Kennel, Oakland, CA

Many Happy Returns Inc. ~ Tax Preperation, Glen Burnie, Maryland

Den of Antiquities ~ Victoria, Australia

2 the Point ~ Needlepoint Store, Pleasanton, CA

Wok N Roll ~ Mulitple Locations across the US

Linoleum Dicks ~ Floor Covering Store, San Jose, CA

Pizza My Heart ~ Pizzaria, Santa Cruz and Palo Alto, CA

Garden of Eat'n ~ Restaurant, Utopia, TX

Beauty and the Bistro ~ Unrelated Restaurants in a few US cities

Long Won ~ Chinese Take Out, Brooklyn, NY

I've just been to the newsagent's and something unusual happened. At the precise moment I was walking underneath lamp-posts, the lights went out. This happened three successive times as I was walking along the street...it made me feel like some kind of superhero!

I know that the times the lights are switched on and off are individually controlled by photoelectric sensors, but I've always assumed that they'd all switch off at the same time in the same neighbourhood - I've never really thought about it before though.

A salmon thought to be the biggest ever caught in Britain will not enter the record books - because it was too big for the scales.

The giant fish was 56 inches long, 50 inches round and could have been more than 64lbs, reports the Daily Mirror.

Anglers hoped it would break the UK record set 85 years ago but had to set it free after realising their scales only weighed up to 30lbs.

Ghillie Grant Sutherland, who witnessed the catch in the River Ness near Inverness, said: "I have never come across a fish like that before.

"We couldn't weigh it because we didn't have scales big enough. All I can say is it was the biggest fish I've seen - by a mile.

"The man who caught it was an experienced angler and his reaction was one of shock - it took about 45 minutes to land."

The anglers sent photos of the monster to marine experts in the hope they may be able to estimate the weight.

But David Rowe, secretary of the British Fish Record Committee, said: "It has to be weighed on certified scales. You cannot estimate the British record."

The record is held by Georgina Ballantyne who caught a 64lb salmon in 1922 in Perthshire.

Yoshiro Nakamatsu (born June 26, 1928), a.k.a. Dr. NakaMats, is the Japanese inventor claiming to hold the world record for number of inventions with over 3,000, including the floppy disk and "PyonPyon" spring shoes. He has being photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting). The goal of Nakamatsu is to live over 140 years old.

A couple in the United States knew exactly what to do with the burglar they caught ransacking their home. They made him clean up - at gunpoint.

Burglar was caught red-handed
Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned to their home near Montgomery, Alabama, after a week off to find that their home had been plundered.
Mrs McKinnon told the Montgomery Advertiser: "Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home."
Her husband suggested she go to see her sister while he checked what was missing.
But as he walked into another room he came face to face with the burglar - who was wearing one of his hats.
Mrs McKinnon said: "My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home. And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting right on his head."
Her husband then held the suspect, Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and made him sit down until he decided what to do.

His wife said: "We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor."
When the police arrived, 33-year-old Bullock had another surprise in store - he complained to the officers about being made to clean up at gunpoint.
"This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house," said Mrs McKinnon.
"The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead."
Captain Huey Thornton, a police spokesman, said Bullock was arrested on burglary and theft charges. He was being held in the Montgomery County Detention Facility.
He said: "The victims were lucky in this case to be able to catch the suspect in the act and hold him until police arrived."
He said the case was unusual because generally burglars act while the homeowner is away and are in and out fast so they can quickly sell the stolen items.

Sign in a hotel parking garage:
Please get a punch at window.

On a hotel fire extinguisher:
Cease Fire.

On a bottle of medicine:
Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs,
brains, and other diseases.

Funny restaurant signs:
It will take about one minute to fix a hot drink.
Please wail.

We serve people like you as good food!

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Sign in a cafeteria:
Please keep chair on position and keep table cleaned after dying.

Other Funny Signs

On a cash register:
Sorry. We can not change.

Outside a tailor shop:
Ladies have fits upstairs.

In a zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sign in a train station:
For restrooms, go back toward your behind.
.

Panasonic developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic decided to delay the product launch indefinitely. The reason: an American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what the ad's slogan, "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker", might mean to English speakers.

Thailand: an ad for donkey rides asked "Would you like to ride on your own ass?".

It was my turn to lead the class in this morning's group therapy session. I chose the subject of 'Rites of Passage' and how they don't really exist in Western society...and how as individuals and a society we are so much less because of this. All the major areas of discussion were covered; including citizenship and civil society, national/community service, and the age of consent.

There was only one person who I couldn't manage to persuade to join in...and he's always very quiet anyhow.

So; it was a thoroughly enjoyable sixty minutes and I think the consensus of the group was that some sort of formal rite of passage into adulthood would be a very positive experience for everyone.

As the old Chinese saying goes, "Kindness often meets with good recompense."
And a Shenzhen resident surnamed Wang has been deeply convinced of that.
Wang, who adopted a homeless cat two months ago, bought a lottery ticket that won him a total of 3,271 Yuan ($435). He has his cat to thank. Last week Wang brought his cat with him to buy a lottery ticket.
As Wang was about to buy the ticket, the frisky feline jumped out of his arms and onto the computer keyboard, accidentally choosing Wang's lottery numbers at random. Wang, who had complained that his cat had wasted his 10 Yuan ($1.29) lottery ticket, was surprised to learn on Tuesday that his cat had actually chosen the winning numbers for him.

A genuine U.S. car licence plate that's really rude - but only when viewed in a mirror.

X32 1ARO

(The effect doesn't work properly though with this font - the letter 'R' needs to be much more symmetrical)

FUNNY FRENCH PHRASES: Here is a list of French idioms supposedly in use
relatively recently in Paris

FRENCH PHRASE, followed by Literal Translation, followed by
(English Equivalent):

AH LA VACHE!
Oh, my Cow! (Good God!)

C'EST LA FIN DES HARICOTS.
It's the finish of the green beans. (It's hopeless.)

POSER UN LAPIN.
To leave a rabbit. (To stand someone up.)

AVOIR LE GUEULE DE BOIS.
To have a wooden face. (Have a hangover)

FAIRE UN TABAC.
Make a tobacco. (Be the toast of the town.)

FAIRE UN BOEUF.
Make a beef. (Improvise [as a jam session.])

METTRE LES VOILES.
Put on the sails. (To split.)

SE FAIRE UNE TOILE.
To make a fabric. (Go to the movies.)

COMME UN CHEVEAU SUR LA SOUPE.
Like a hair in the soup. (Something out of context.)

FAIRE UN BIDE.
To make a big belly. (To fail, flop.)

BOIRE COMME UN TROU.
Drink like a hole. (Get smashed.)

PRENDRE SON PIED.
Take his foot. (It was swell.)

C'EST LE BOUQUET.
That's the bouquet. (That's the limit.)

J'EN AI RAS-LE-BOL.
My bowl is overflowing. (I can't take it any more.)

LES CAROTTES SONT CUITES.
The carrots are cooked. (I've had it!)

FAIRE LE PIED DE GRUE.
To make like a flamingo stands. (To wait.)

MARCHER A COTE DE SES POMPES.
To walk next to your shoes. (To be out of it.)

CHERCHER DES PUCES.
To look for fleas. (To bug someone.)

ARRETE TON CHAR.
Stop your chariot. (Stop it!!)

SE FENDRE LA PIPE.
To break the pipe. (To laugh.)

SE FARCUR.
To be stuffed. (To be bored.)

ETRE A LA COLLE.
To be glued. (To have a romantic adventure.)

ETRE UN BON COUP.
To be a good hit. (To be good in bed.)

CIEL, MON MARI!
Sky, my husband! (Caught in the act!)

A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.
Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.
Attorney Robert Zaro told administrative law judge Jonathan Lew at a hearing Thursday that he should let Anderson keep his dental license while disciplinary appeals proceed. Anderson would be supervised by two assistants and would no longer do the chest rubs, Zaro said.
Zaro said Anderson, 48, of Woodland, needs to keep seeing patients so he can feed his seven children and pay for his defence.
The judge made no immediate decision.

A Lincolnshire pensioner was fined £75 for putting a bag of rubbish - in a bin.

John Richards, 84, left a neatly parcelled carrier bag in a lamp-post bin rather than wait ten days for his fortnightly waste collection.

But council officials tracked him down and accused him of fly-tipping, reports The Sun.

They said he faced a fine of up to £2,500 if he went to court so Mr Richards, of Boston, handed over nearly three-quarters of his weekly pension to pay the £75 penalty.

He said: "It's just ludicrous. I've never thrown litter in my life. It's only a small house and it would be intolerable to keep rotting food waste indoors until the next collection."

A council spokesman said: "Public bins are there for everyone to use. If one is repeatedly filled by an individual it creates a problem."

I've done this myself a few times when my bin's been getting filled up due to the fortnightly collections. There is no way I'd be paying the £75 on the spot fine, or any subsequent fine imposed by the court. A few weeks' away in prison at the state's expense would be a good experience.

Maybe some of them are just a waste
of licence payers' money.

News story on the popularity of rabbits as pets, which, according to the Scottish Rabbit Club, is growing. The claim came as rabbit fanciers in Scotland prepared to celebrate National Rabbit Week.

Gorilla at Jersey Zoo 'recovering' after an operation to remove one of its testicles.

A page offering alternatives to ashtrays

Horse whispering meets corporate management - meet the man behind 'Equine Guided Leadership Training'.

The chance to download a virtual garden, if you think it is too wet to attempt the real thing.

A short film about 'a wild and vigorous shrub', set in a militant plant nursery.

Southampton student Hannah Green tells why she likes Southampton Common so much.

Animation about how girls cope with the onset of spots with the catchline 'Yup, it's the Spots Episode. Prepare for pus, people...'

Animation about how boys can deal with erection problems with the catchline 'Our hero suffers strange stiffies...'

Type a name in each box and hit the 'Go' button to see how much two people love each other

A chance to hear a Totnes woman's song about supermarket packing.

Which is the best beach to eat a Cornish pasty on in Cornwall?

The Swindon Advertiser may have caused concern among readers when it carried the headline: "Houses damaged as parts of UK struck by volcanoes".

The headline wasn't quite right – and a 250-word explanation/apology appeared a couple of days later.

It said: "We would like to clarify that the headline above Tuesday's story was the result of a headline-writer having the word 'volcanoes' pop into their mind when they meant to write 'tornadoes'.

"We realise that the headline we printed might have given the impression that Swindon and the rest of the country were in the process of being consumed in a maelstrom of superheated doom.

"We apologise for any distress or confusion this may have caused."

The misunderstanding was compounded when the correction referred to the original piece being in Tuesday's paper, while a picture caption mentioned Wednesday's paper.

Village's onion tribute

A Romanian village has erected a 20ft high monument to an onion.

Authorities in Periceni, western Romania, said locals came up with the idea because of the importance of the vegetable in their lives.

They said they had harvested onions for centuries and many locals have relied on them to make a living.

Local businessman Alexandru Tatar, who got rich from selling onions, financed the 20ft metal monument.

He said: "To be honest I absolutely hated onions when I was growing up - but I have made my fortune out of them and they have turned me into what I am today. Onions deserve to have their own monument."

A form of verbal gymnastics, lipograms are written works that deliberately omit a certain letter of the alphabet by avoiding all words that include that letter. `Lipo' actually means `lacking' - in this case lacking a letter. An example of a contemporary lipogram is the nursery rhyme, `Mary Had a Little Lamb', rewritten without the letter s:

Mary had a little lamb
With fleece a pale white hue,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb kept her in view;
To academe he went with her,
Illegal, and quite rare;
It made the children laugh and play
To view a lamb in there.

- A. Ross Eckler

1. JACQUES ARAGO - AN A-LESS BOOK
The French author's book Voyage Autour du Monde Sans la Lettre A debuted in Paris in 1853. However, 30 years later in another edition, he admitted letting one letter a sneak by him in the book - he had overlooked the word serait.

2. GYLES BRANDRETH - HAMLET WITHOUT ANY I's
A contemporary British lipogrammarian, Brandreth specialises in dropping a different letter from each of Shakespeare's plays. All I's were excluded from Hamlet, rendering the famous soliloquy: `To be or not to be; that's the query'. He proceeded to rewrite Twelfth Night without the letters l and o, Othello without any o's, and Macbeth without any a's or e's.

3. GOTTLOB BURMANN - R-LESS POETRY
Bearing an obsessive dislike for the letter r, Burmann not only wrote 130 poems without using that letter, but he also omitted the letter r from his daily conversation for 17 years. This practice meant the eccentric 18th-century German poet never said his own last name.

4. A. ROSS ECKLER - LIPOGRAM NURSERY RHYMES
Eckler's speciality is rewriting well-known nursery rhymes such as `Little Jack Horner', excluding certain letters. His masterpiece was `Mary Had a Little Lamb', which he re-created in several versions, omitting in turn the letters s, a, h, e, and t (as in the t-less `Mary had a pygmy Lamb').

5. PETER DE RIGA - A LIPOGRAM BIBLE
Summarising the entire Bible in Latin, the sixteenth-century canon of Rheims Cathedral in France omitted a different letter of the alphabet from each of the 23 chapters he produced.

6. TRYPHIODORUS - A LIPOGRAM ODYSSEY
The Greek poet Tryphiodorus wrote his epic poem Odyssey, chronicling the adventures of Ulysses, excluding a different letter of the alphabet from each of the 24 books. Thus, the first book was written without alpha, the second book contained no betas, etc.

7. LOPE DE VEGA CARPIO - 5 NOVELS WITHOUT VOWELS
Also known as Spain's first great dramatist who reputedly wrote 2,200 plays, this sixteenth-century author wrote five novels that were lipograms. Each book omitted one of the five vowels a, e, i, o and u in turn.

8. ERNEST VINCENT WRIGHT - NOVEL WITHOUT AN E
Tying down the e key on his typewriter to make sure one didn't slip in, Wright, a graduate of MIT, wrote a credible 50,110-word novel, Gadsby (1939), totally excluding the most frequently used letter of the English alphabet. `Try to write a single-word sentence without an e,' said the Los Angeles Times, `and you will get some idea of the task he set himself'. Wright's novel concerned the effort of a middle-age man named John Gadsby to make his home town of Branston Hills more progressive and prosperous by turning over its administration to an Organization of Youth. Wright, a 67-year-old Californian, undertook his e-less novel to prove such a feat could be done. He wrote the book in 165 days. He employed no tricks, such as coining words or substituting apostrophes for e's. His greatest difficulty, he stated, was in avoiding the use of verbs ending with ed, being forced to use `said' for `replied' or `asked', and in avoiding all pronouns such as `he', `she' or `they'. Wright died on the day of his book's publication - but the $3.00 novel remains his monument. Today it sells at rare-book dealers for more than $1,000 a copy with a jacket.

9. GEORGES PEREC - E-LESS AND E-FULL NOVELS
Perec (1936-82) was a member of the literary group Oulipo (a French acronym for `workshop of potential literature), the members of which experimented with constrained writing. Perec's most notable work in this regard is his novel La Disparation (1969), written without the letter e. It was translated into English, also without e's, by Gilbert Adair under the title A Void. Another Perec novel, Les Revenentes (1972), is a sort of opposite: the letter e is the only vowel used.

10. CHRISTIAN BOK - VOWEL-LESS POETRY
Bok, an experimental Canadian poet, wrote Eunoia, a work in which each chapter is missing four of the five vowels. The fourth chapter, for example, does not contain a, e, i, or u. A sample of the writing from this chapter is: `Profs from Oxford show frosh who do post-docs how to gloss works of Wordsworth.' Eunoia won the Griffin Poetry Prize in 2002 and became one of the best-selling works of Canadian poetry.

11. MARK DUNN - AN INCREASINGLY LIPOGRAMMATIC BOOK
Dunn's Ella Minnow Pea (2001) is subtitled `A Progressively Lipogrammatic Epistolary Fable'. The story concerns a small country that begins to outlaw the use of various letters. As each letter is banned within the story, it is no longer used in the text of the novel

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but no bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. No milk.

This morning I've bought some frozen potato gratin, to add to some Mediterranean chicken with pasta to have for my lunch/dinner.

I've just had a look at the cooking guidelines and they suggest cooking the gratin in the oven, with no mention of microwave cooking. However, on the nutritional information panel it states that there are 153 calories per 100g of product microwaved - a bit of an inconsistency here.

Since I'm not prepared to put the oven on for over half an hour just for this one element of my meal, the gratin is going on a plate and into the microwave.

A Croatian motorbiker's penis was zapped by lightning as he stopped beside the road to take a leak.

Ante Djindjic, 29, from Zagreb, said: "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in hospital.

"Doctors said the lightning went through my body and because I was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."

Volkovic, who suffered light burns to his chest and arms, added: "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually."

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

Yesterday I completed proofreading the first twenty pages of my friend's autobiography; and to be honest, it isn't very good. Not only are there plenty of spelling mistakes (because he's used a spellchecker, the words are spelled correctly - it's just that they're the wrong words), but at times the grammar is rather ambiguous.

Basically, it's therapeutic writing. He's still got a lot of issues going back to his childhood that he needs to settle...but it doesn't make his writing style particularly interesting. They are important issues he is discussing; they're not just personal ramblings, but the text reads like an academic report, or possibly a transcript of an interview.

When I hand him the envelope on Friday, I'll not be going out of my way to pass any comments.

A Devon mum won £1.3million on the Lottery - because she forgot how old her son was.

Janet Baddick, 49, always uses numbers representing family ages and important dates, reports The Sun.

One was the age of son Darren, a chef, who turned 27 last month.

But Janet, a pharmaceutical technician from Braunton, forgot to change the number and picked 26, along with 1, 17, 24, 30, and 49 for last Wednesday's draw.

All six numbers came in and she split a £2.6m jackpot and was presented with a cheque for £1,298,223.

She said: "We are gobsmacked. It hasn't sunk in yet. All our numbers mean something to us and I update them as our lives change.

"But I've been a bit forgetful recently, probably due to age, and I forgot to change Darren's birthday on the ticket."

Husband Nick, 53, also a pharmaceutical worker, said: "She rushed upstairs in a right state when she realised we'd won. I thought one of our dogs had died."

The couple, whose second son Chris is 24, plan to splash out on cars and a holiday in Florida.

1. THE FATAL COMMA
Czarina Maria Fyodorovna once saved the life of a man by transposing a single comma in a warrant signed by her husband, Alexander III, which exiled a criminal to imprisonment and death in Siberia. On the bottom of the warrant the czar had written: `Pardon impossible, to be sent to Siberia.' The czarina changed the punctuation so that her husband's instructions read: `Pardon, impossible to be sent to Siberia.' The man was set free.

2. THE BLASPHEMOUS COMMA
In several editions of the King James Bible, Luke 23:32 is changed entirely by the absence of a comma. In the passage that describes the other men crucified with Christ, the erroneous editions read: `And there were also two other malefactors.' Instead of counting Christ as a malefactor, the passage should read: `And there were also two other, malefactors.'

3. THE MILLION-DOLLAR COMMA
The US government lost at least a million dollars through the slip of a comma. In the tariff act passed on June 6, 1872, a list of duty-free items included: `Fruit plants, tropical and semitropical'. A government clerk accidentally altered the line to read: `Fruit, plants tropical and semitropical'. Importers successfully contended that the passage, as written, exempted all tropical and semitropical plants from duty fees. This cost the US a fortune until May 9, 1874, when the passage was amended to plug the hole.

Spacewoman takes whip into orbit

A female astronaut set to take charge of the International Space Station has been given a whip to keep her crew in line.

Peggy Whitson was presented with a "kamcha" - a traditional Kazakh riding whip - a day before she is due to blast off.

A Russian official at the Baikonur cosmodrome in Kazakhstan, Sergei Semchenko, said the gift was to help her keep her male crew in line.

The 47-year-old biochemist will be the first woman to command the ISS. It will be her second trip there.

Ms Whitson laughingly accepted the whip saying she hoped she would not have to use it but would take it just in case.

She is scheduled to take off from Baikonur on Wednesday with Russian Yuri Malenchenko and Malaysia's first astronaut, Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor.

FARMINGTON, MO. — Shoplifters at Country Mart tend to favor cold medicines and packaged meats. They used to steal cigarettes, too, until tobacco was moved behind the counter. But the doughnuts were never a target for thieves.

Country Mart's doughnuts — fried fresh daily in the store — sell for just 52 cents each. That is why the "shoplifters will be prosecuted" signs are displayed in aisle 4 with the pricey pain and allergy pills, and not in aisle 5 beside the glass doughnut case with its tiger tails, jelly-filleds and eclairs.

Then one man's sweet tooth got the better of him. He stole a doughnut. A single doughnut.

Authorities called it strong-arm robbery. The "doughnut man," as the suspect is now known, faces five to 15 years in prison for his crime. And Farmington, a town of 14,000 people about 70 miles south of St. Louis, has been buzzing about it ever since. Advertisement

"That someone would take just a single doughnut, not something very expensive or extravagant, that's unique," supermarket assistant manager Gary Komar said, smiling.

Scott A. Masters, 41, is accused of shoplifting the pastry and pushing a store worker who tried to stop him. The worker was unhurt. But with that shove, his shoplifting turned into a strong-arm robbery. Masters, who appeared in court Friday, is stunned. The prosecutor shows no signs of backing down. In fact, because Masters has a prior record, he could get a sentence of 30 years to life.

Lanell Gibbs was there the day of the doughnut heist.

"That was a first," Gibbs, 68, said.

She has worked for 11 years as a cashier at Country Mart, a regional supermarket chain. Next to her register, she keeps a clipping from the local newspaper about the doughnut man's case. He was indicted just last month, although the theft took place in December. She likes to show the article to customers as she recounts the story.

It was about 11 a.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 6. The store was in a lull. Gibbs, who could see the doughnut case from her station, said she saw Masters slip the doughnut into the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I saw him take a doughnut. Let's see if he pays for it."

They watched Masters as he strolled past the seven green checkout lanes and out a side door between the customer service desk and the pharmacy, passing under a giant "Country Mart Thanks You" sign.

Gibbs' co-worker followed Masters into the parking lot. The co-worker, a 54-year-old woman, demanded that Masters come inside, according to the police report. He offered to give the doughnut back. She declined and grabbed his arm.

That is when Masters allegedly delivered "a backhanded punch to the chest" and took off running, police said.

"That made her mad," Gibbs recalled.

The woman, who was uninjured, jumped in her car and called police as she chased Masters. He was arrested minutes later.

Farmington Police Chief Rick Baker said the two incidents taken separately equaled two misdemeanors: shoplifting and minor third-degree assault. Together, they make for second-degree robbery, a class B felony, defined in state law as forcibly stealing property. The amount of force and the amount of property does not matter.

"It's not the doughnut," Baker said. "It's the assault."

Masters is a small man, wiry, about 5-foot-6, with short-cropped hair, a graying goatee and hound-dog eyes. He is a "frequent flier" at the St. Francois County detention center.

"Yeah, Scotty is well known," said Deputy Sheriff Dennis Smith, reviewing Masters' criminal history.

Masters, who lives in the nearby town of Park Hills, has been arrested more than a dozen times: for being drunk, for shoplifting, for missed court dates, for marijuana possession. He spent most of the 1990s and a stretch from 2000 to 2004 in state prison for the felonies of torching a car to collect insurance and possessing methamphetamine ingredients.

In a jailhouse interview last week, Masters admitted he had taken the doughnut. Masters said he had been taking a break from his roofing job when he stopped into Country Mart. He was hungry. He fled the scene, but he said he did not lay a hand on the woman.

"Strong-arm robbery? Over a doughnut? That's impossible," Masters said, exasperated. "I've never had a violent crime in my life. And there's no way I would've pushed a woman over a doughnut."

After his arrest, he forgot all about the case. He assumed it had been dismissed. He spent the summer in jail on outstanding warrants. Just before he was to get out, he was indicted Sept. 14 in the doughnut case. His bail was set at $25,000 — well beyond his means.

Masters briefly appeared in court Friday. His case was continued until next month. He is shaken by the possibility of a third felony conviction. A prosecutor could pursue an enhanced sentence. As a persistent offender, Masters could face a murderer's term.

"I can't believe this crap," Masters said.

A grand jury agreed with police on the strong-arm robbery charge. County Prosecutor Wendy Wexler Horn said that it was "way too early to know how it is going to play out" but that the charge seemed appropriate given the allegations. She was aware that some people seemed shocked by the case.

"People are missing the point," Horn said. "It is not about the doughnut."

But to many people here, it is all about the doughnut.

Still, for all the attention paid to the doughnut incident, one detail may never emerge: the kind of doughnut Masters stole.

Country Mart stocks everything from simple glazed ring doughnuts to gooey butter squares to filled cream horns and danishes. But the police report makes no mention of the doughnut style. Gibbs said she could not recall it. Other workers, too, drew a blank.

Even Masters, sitting in jail with only time to think, said he could not remember. It is a detail that seems lost to history.

And Masters never got a chance to enjoy that fateful doughnut.

He said he threw it to the ground when he fled.

A friend has just phoned me to say that he will probably be able to get me some regular sessions leading a poetry workshop in a community centre in one of the local villages.

The good news is that I'll actually be getting paid....I don't know any details yet though.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.”

The doctor says, “It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.”

The manager says, “You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.”

Tony Blair's new neighbours could be up in arms - over proposals to give him his own double yellow lines.

The former PM has already faced complaints from his neighbours over security, a planned roof terrace and solar panels.

But now, a letter to residents of Connaught Square in west London, asks for their views on proposals to ban parking along a nine-metre stretch of road for anyone except Mr Blair.

It means two residents' parking bays outside Mr Blair's house would be set aside for his exclusive use 24 hours a day.

Parking bays on the opposite side of the road will also be converted to "Blair only" spaces, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Martin Low, the director of transportation for Westminster council, acknowledges in his letter that "concerns" about temporary parking arrangements have been expressed by Mr Blair's neighbours.

Many residents are known to be disgruntled at being unable to park near their homes when the square is full, having lost several bays to Mr Blair and his bodyguards.

The scheme would be paid for by the Home Office. Residents have until the end of the month to object.

If the translator is a man, HE translates.
If the translator is a woman, SHE translates.
If the translator is a computer, IT translates.
If the translator is either a man or a woman, S/HE translates.
Whether the translator is a man, a woman or a computer, S/H/IT
translates.

I've just been into town to pick up some proofreading work; the first few chapters of a friend's autobiography.

The weather's warm and sunny and so I should be able to sit out in the garden this afternoon for a few hours and make a start.

A seriously ill patient has been kept alive in Australia by being fed vodka through a drip.

The 24-year-old man, who had swallowed a poison in an apparent suicide attempt, was treated while in a coma in Queensland.

Doctors set up the drip after running out of medicinal alcohol, used as an antidote to the poison, reports the BBC.

Dr Todd Fraser from the hospital said: "The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit.

"Fortunately for him he was in a medically induced coma for a good portion of that. By the time he woke up I think his hangover would have well and truly gone."

The man spent 20 days in hospital before being discharged.

Supermarket shoppers may soon be cruising the aisles with "intelligent" trolleys that warn them if they're buying too much junk food, technology experts say.

While many would be happy enough if they could simply get their trolley to go in a straight line, the high-tech model will be fitted with a computer screen and barcode scanner.

It will read each product's individual code to give customers information about calories, nutrition, ethical sourcing and the environment.

U.S. technology services company EDS outlined the concept in a study paper published this week.

It said the screens would reduce the need for lots of packaging for food, helping stores to tackle environmental concerns.

"Shoppers want barcode readers on their trolleys to calculate the nutritional content and tell them when they have blown their calorific budget," said EDS's Sion Roberts, director of consumer industries and retail.

"It's high-time that the humble barcode is recognized as a practical and cost-effective solution to consumers' thirst for information."

Research carried out by food industry body IGD on behalf of EDS found that a third of shoppers want barcode scanners fitted to their trolleys.

Most prefer to get information from labels on the food, according to the survey of nearly 1,000 people.

Some shoppers are already using advanced trolleys. Trials of touch-screen computers on shopping carts have been trialed in stores in the United States.

Double entendres
Names which, when read, can double as a word or phrase. These names’ double meanings are either unintentional, or composed of common given names.

Jaime Lachica Sin a Philippine clergyman, was known as Cardinal Sin because of his status within the Catholic church. Sin was said to play a joke on his title, welcoming visitors to his archbishop's residence with the greeting "Welcome to the House of Sin".

Dick Assman (properly pronounced "assmun"). Canadian service station owner whose name propelled him to international celebrity status in 1995.

Dick Mann, motorcycle hall of famer.

Dick Passwater, won a race in NASCAR's formative years

Dick Pole, baseball player

Dick Seaman, early British Grand Prix racing star

Dick Trickle. With a combined total of up to 1,200 wins in all racing forms to his credit, he has been called "America's Winningest Driver."

Fair Hooker - Wide Receiver, Cleveland Browns 1969-1974

Ima Hogg. Daughter of Governor of Texas James Stephen Hogg. Urban legend contends that she had a sister named Ura Hogg, but this is false.

Lucious Pusey - Linebacker for Eastern Illinois University, legally changed his name to Lucious Seymour.

Rusty Kuntz, baseball player

Shanda Lear, daughter of Bill Lear, founder of Lear Jet Corporation

1. Dunce

Dictionaries don't play fair, and John Duns Scotus is proof.

The 13th/14th-century thinker, whose writings synthesized Christian theology and Aristotle's philosophy, was considerably less dumb than a brick. Unfortunately for Scotus, subsequent theologians took a dim view of all those who championed his viewpoint.

These "Scotists," "Dunsmen," or "Dunses" were considered hairsplitting meatheads and, eventually, just "dunces."

2.(slipping a) Mickey (Finn)

When you have to drug somebody against their will (hey, you gotta do what you gotta do), it just wouldn't sound right to slip 'em a Ricardo, a Bjorn, or an Evelyn. It's gotta be a Mickey.

At the turn of the 20th century, Mickey Finn was a Chicago saloon owner in one of the seediest parts of town -- and he fit right in.

Finn was known for serving "Mickey Finn Specials," which probably included chloral hydrate, a heavy sedative. After targeted customers passed out, Finn would haul them into his "operating room" and liberate them of all valuables (including shoes).

Never a Host of the Year candidate, this Mickey seems to have thoroughly earned his legacy, so don't hesitate to use it the next time you drug and rob your own customers.

3. Spoonerism

Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844--1930) was famous for his muddled one-liners.

And though it's hard to know which ones he actually said, lines such as "I have a half-warmed fish" and "Yes indeed, the Lord is a shoving leopard" still prove that the sound-switching flub is pretty charming as far as mistakes go.

The spoonerism has even been used as a literary technique by poets and fiction writers, giving Spooner little reason to roll over -- or otherwise inarticulately protest -- in his grave.

4. Lynch

Although several Lynches (not including David) have been investigated by inquisitive etymologists, Virginia native Charles Lynch (1736--1796) is most likely the man behind the murderous word.

Lynch was a patriot, a planter, and a judge. But when he headed a vigilante court to punish Tories (British loyalists) during the American Revolution, he decided to play the roles of jury and executioner, too. Lynch has more than earned his besmirched name.

In fact, he did half the besmirching himself by egotistically referring to his actions as "lynch law" and "lynching."

5. Shrapnel

While battling Napoleon's army, English General Henry Shrapnel (1761--1842) noticed that original-flavor cannonballs just weren't massacring enough enemies for his liking.

So, to get more shebang for his shilling, he filled the cannonballs with bullets and exploding charges. These "shrapnel shells," or "shrapnel-barrages," were pretty darn effective, and later designs proved even more successful in World War I.

Shrapnel didn't get much credit for the "innovation" during his lifetime, but he ultimately contributed to enough death and misery that he pretty much deserves to be synonymous with a violent, metallic byproduct of combat.

6. Draconian

A Lexis-Nexis news search shows that folks are still talking about "draconian policies," "draconian penalties," and, most frighteningly, "draconian sex rules."

Though Athenian lawgiver Draco is not entirely confirmed to have existed, if he were real, then around 621 B.C.E., he instituted two time-honored traditions: 1) writing laws down and 2) making laws that were batcrap-insane

They include ascribing the death penalty to such atrocities as being lazy, whizzing in an alley, and stealing an apple.

Apparently, he justified his measures with a sort of non-logic along the lines of, "Jaywalkers deserve to die, and I can't do anything worse to mass murderers. So what're you gonna do?"

7. Boycott

In a nutshell? Boycott got boycotted. Charles Cunningham Boycott (1832--1897) was a retired English army captain who claimed his unwanted fame in 1880 when the Irish Land League decided to punish him for not lowering his rents.

This then-new strategy, which was a mere paragraph in the Russian-novel-size saga of Irish land reform, was a kind of systematic shunning in which Boycott was cut off from servants, supplies, mail, and lifestyle free of death threats.

He might have been an evil landlord, but if Boycott could see just how successful his name became, he'd probably be a very sad, regretful, evil landlord.

8. Tawdry

The story of St. Audrey (also known as St. Etheldreda) is a classic example of how bad names happen to good people.

St. Audrey was the daughter of the king of East Anglia (then the Norfolk section of Anglo-Saxon England), who lived a monastery-founding, self-abdicating life.

But, when she died of the plague in 679, she was sporting a pretty nasty-looking tumor on her neck, which gossipmongers blamed on her penchant for wearing audacious necklaces in her youth.

After her death, silk scarves called "St. Audrey laces" were sold in her honor at Ely's annual St. Audrey's Fair. Then the British tendency for dropping letters and syllables took over, and Audrey became "tawdry."

It was a short trip from there to the dictionary, and tawdry has been synonymous with gaudy ever since.

9. Chauvinism

Nicolas Chauvin was an early 19th--century French soldier who was so patriotic and nationalistic, he gave patriotism and nationalism a bad name -- or at least a new name.

A slave to the cult of Napoleon, Chauvin shed his fair share of blood for the emperor.

How did Napoleon show his appreciation? By giving Chauvin a ceremonial saber, a ribbon, and a pittance of a pension.

Later, however, French dramatists began basing über-patriotic characters on Chauvin, which paved the way for the soldier's ultimate reward: a dubious spot in the English language.

A scientist charged with speeding escaped prosecution when a gadget built into his mobile phone proved he was under the limit.

Dr Phillip Tann was accused of driving at 42mph in a 30mph zone - but told magistrates he was only doing 29.177196mph.

His lawyer then produced data from a revolutionary device he was testing showing the exact time, location and speed of his car.

Instead of being 12mph over the limit when his Mercedes was zapped by a mobile speed camera in Sunderland, he was actually less than 0.8mph under. The case has now been dropped.

Dr Tann, 45, who runs his own technology firm, plans to talk to police chiefs about how his invention, built into a mobile phone, could help stop speeders.

He said: "They looked flabbergasted. Police cameras are not 100 per cent accurate but my system is."

Dr Tann is to release a similar product in December for parents who want to know the location of their child.

Australians are being urged to get rid of a plague of moths - by eating them.

The "munch a moth" campaign is being led by Jean-Paul Bruneteau, 51, a French-born chef, reports the Daily Telegraph.

He first began eating the brown bogong moths eleven years ago while researching a book on bush tucker eaten by Aborigines.

"They have a lovely popcorn flavour, like hazelnut," he said.

Mr Bruneteau, who has run "bush tucker" restaurants in Sydney and Paris, suggests pulling off the furry wings, then popping the moths in the oven for three minutes in a splash of canola oil.

Alternatively the chef, recommends putting them through a coffee blender and sprinkling them into an omelette, pancake or crepe.

Martyn Robinson, a naturalist who works at the Australian Museum in Sydney, is another dedicated moth muncher, preferring to catch them on his windowsill, hold them by the wings then pop them in his mouth.

But Mr Robinson's initial enthusiasm for eating the native moths waned after he discovered that they contain high levels of arsenic, the result of eating farm crops sprayed with pesticides.

He also warns about their fat content: one study found that 3oz of bogong moth abdomen contains three times as much fat as a Big Mac.

On a visit to the United States, Charles de Gaulle was honoured at a banquet in the White House. Seated beside his wife was an official who spoke no French, but who tried to engage her in conversation by asking
"Madame de Gaulle, what do you think the most important thing in life is?"
"A penis", she replied.
Overhearing, her husband said gently "I believe, my dear, that in English it is pronounced 'appiness."

Mispronouncing the same word features in another popular anecdote. In an interview many years ago, the British comedian and entertainer Ked Dodd told the audience that when singing the lyrics to his hit song "Happiness" likewise he would always say 'a penis.'

From a language forum: people writing about their own embarrassing experiences.

My sister was going out for the evening and my dad wanted to ask if she had her overnight bag. He was going to say either kit or clothes, but instead he said "Do you have your clit?"

- - - - - -

We often refer to our cat flap as "the flat cap."

- - - - - -
I once had the misfortune to be with my Dad when he had to return a faulty electric tin opener to a shop in Carlisle.

He had had enough of electric tin openers, so when the young girl behind the counter asked if he wanted a replacement one he said he just wanted a refund and a manual tin opener.

EXCEPT he forgot the word manual, and asked for a "you know, a hand job".

I've been reading a few online newspaper articles criticising the BBC. I'm very critical of the BBC myself and so I've decided to share my thoughts on the subject.

My overall view of the BBC is that it has its fingers in too many pies and should do less, but much better. I don't see why it needs to mimic commercial broadcasters.

The corporation is far too Londocentric; I'd like to see a lot more local coverage, yet conversely also more world coverage, especially news and current affairs - specifically Europe, which is rarely covered, and when it is, it is nearly always about the EU.

The BBC's liberal left-wing bias is widely reported; how it is very critical of the US and Israel and very supportive of multiculturalism, political correctness, moral relativism, urban cosmopolitanism and the EU. Some of its news reporting is blatantly biased, or just incorrect and all of the programming staff seem to share the same mindset - there is no room for any dissent.

To be honest, I think the BBC is beyond salvation; and should be broken up and sold off, or turned into a subscription-only service. I'm forced to pay £130 ($260) per year for a service that denies, denigrates and belittles everything I am and believe in - yet I need an annual licence in order to watch any TV service here in the UK - if I don't pay it, it's six months in prison.

Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."

Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?" One businessman responded sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"

I've been dealing with bureaucrats all morning. First thing I had an appointment at the jobcentre and then had to queue to see someone about my Housing Benenfit.

When I got home I needed to phone up Reed In Partnership (training providers) and then phone a different department at the jobcentre, and then wait for them to phone me back.

I think everything's sorted now. I'm going to prepare some lunch/dinner and then have a lie down.

Endurance car kissing contest

A 27-year-old Chinese woman won the chance to buy a car for the equivalent of 6p by kissing it for more than 24 hours.

A shopping mall in Beijing invited people to kiss six Chevrolet cars with the one lasting the longest being given the chance to buy the car for just one yuan.

The cars, parked in the lobby of the Xizhimen Jiamao Shopping Centre, had plastic nipples attached to them, reports the Beijing News.

Participants had to kiss the nipples without touching the car. They were allowed a ten minute break every seven hours.

More than 400 people applied to take part in the game, but only 120 were selected, since each car had only 20 nipples.

After 24 hours, there were still 28 participants left so the mall introduced new rules requiring them to stand on one foot with their hand behind their back.

The final winner was Zhang Cunying who was so tired by the end of the ordeal that she could not stand up unaided.

She said: "I was learning dancing, so the body flexibility helped a lot. But the main winning factor was my faith."

The young couple are on honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."

Some stuff to keep me occupied for a few hours:-

I've always been interested in space exploration and astronomy, and the entire issue of today's Sunday Times Magazine is devoted to the subject; plus there's also a free DVD featuring the planets.

Brits arrested for playing bingo

Seven British tourists have been arrested at a Turkish resort - for playing bingo.

Armed police surrounded them in a bar in Altinkum and seized their bingo equipment, reports the Daily Mirror.

They were held for four hours of questioning and each fined £42.

Carla Harrison, 25, said: "It was a terrifying experience and very scary. We did not know what was going to happen to us."

Bingo is considered a form of gambling and is outlawed in Turkey.

Sarah Holland, 25, also from Rhyl, Denbighshire, said: "It was completely stupid. I could now have a criminal record in Turkey for bingo."

Clare McCarthy, from Surrey, added: "I was considering buying a house here, but I will look at other countries instead."

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box.

1. Art Attack (Stendhal Syndrome)
Dr Graziella Magherini, author of The Stendhal Syndrome, has studied more than 100 tourists in Florence, Italy, who became ill in the presence of great works of art. The symptoms include heart palpitations, dizziness, and stomach pains. The typical sufferer is between the ages of 26 and 40 who rarely leaves home..
Dr Magherini believes the syndrome is a result of jet lag, travel stress, and the shock of an overwhelming sense of the past. She says: “Very often there’s the anguish of death.’ The disorder is named after a nineteenth-century French novelist who was overwhelmed by the frescoes in Florence’s Santa Croce Church.

Particularly upsetting works of art are: Michaelangelo’s statue of David, Caravaggio’s painting of Bacchus, and the concentric circles of the Duomo cupola.

2. Hula-hoop Intestine
On February 26, 1992, Beijing worker Xu Denghai was hospitalised with a twisted intestine after playing excessively with a hula-hoop. His was the third case in the several weeks since a hula-hoop craze had swept China. The Beijing evening news advised people to warm up before playing, and to avoid hula-hooping straight after eating.

3. Carrot Addiction
In 1992, the British Journal of Addiction described three unusual cases of carrot dependence. One 40 year old man had replaced cigarettes with carrots. He ate as many as five bunches a day and thought about them obsessively. According to two Czech psychiatrists, when carrots were withdrawn, he and the other patients lapsed into heightened irritability.

4. Cutlery Craving
The desire to eat metal objects is comparatively common. Occasionally there is an extreme case, such as that of 47 year old Englishman Allison Johnson. An alcoholic burglar with a compulsion to eat silverware, Johnson has had 30 operations to remove strange things from his stomach. In 1992, he had eight forks and the metal sections of a mop head lodged in his body. He has been repeatedly jailed and then released, each time going immediately to a restaurant and ordering lavishly. Unable to pay, he would then tell the owner to call the police, and eat cutlery until they arrived. Johnson’s lawyer said of his client, ‘He finds it hard to eat and obviously has difficulty going to the lavatory.”

5. Dr Strangelove Syndrome
Officially known as Alien Hand Syndrome, this bizarre neurological illness affects thousands of people. It is caused by damage to certain parts of the brain, and causes one of a person’s hands to act independently of the other and of its owner’s wishes. For example, the misbehaving hand may do the opposite of what the normal one is doing: if a person is trying to button a shirt with one hand, the other will follow along and undo the buttons. If one hand pulls up trousers, the other will pull them down. Sometimes the hand may become aggressive - pinching, slapping, or punching the patient. In at least one case, it tried to strangle its owner. Says neurologist Rachelle Doody, ‘Often a patient will sit on the hand, but eventually it gets loose and starts doing everything again.”

6. Mud Wrestlers Rash (Palastaie Limosae)
More after this...
Twenty-four men and women wrestled in calf-deep mud at the University of Washington. Within 36 hours, 7 wrestlers were covered with patches of pus-filled red bumps similar to pimples, and the rest succumbed later. Bumps were on areas of the skin not covered by bathing-suits - one unlucky wrestler had wrestled in the nude. The dermatitis palastaie limosae, or “muddy wrestling rash”, may have been caused by manure-tainted mud.

7. Electric People
According to British paranormalist Hilary Evans, some people are ‘upright human [electric] eels, capable of generating charges strong enough to knock out streetlights and electronic equipment.” Cases of electric people date back to 1786, the most famous of which is that of 14 year old Angelique Cottin, whose presence caused compass needles to gyrate wildly. To further investigate this phenomenon, Evans founded SLIDE, the Street Lamp Interference Data Exchange.

8. Mary Hart Epilepsy
The case of Dianne Neale, 49, appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the much-publicised 1991 event, Neale apparently suffered epileptic seizures at hearing the voice of Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart. Neale experienced an upset stomach, a sense of pressure in her head, and confusion. Laboratory tests confirmed the abnormal electrical discharges in her brain, and Neale had a press conference to insist that she was not crazy. She said she bore no hard feelings toward Hard, who apologised on the air for the situation.

9. Foreign Accent Syndrome
There are about 50 recorded cases of Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people who have suffered strokes or other injuries adopt a new accent. For example, Tiffany Roberts of Florida suffered a stroke and then began speaking with an English accent. She even adopted such Anglicisms as ‘bloody’ and ‘loo’. Ms Roberts had never been to Great Britain, and was not a fan of British television shows.
Perhaps the oddest case concerned a Norwegian woman who had fallen into a coma after being hit by shrapnel during an air raid in 1941. When she woke up, she spoke with a thick German accent. She was then ostracised by her neighbours.

10. Uncombeable Hair Syndrome
Also known as hair-felting, this condition causes hair to form a tangled mass. In a case reported in 1993, a 39 year old woman’s hair fell out and was replaced by dry, coarse, curly hair which was so tangled that it was impossible to comb. It lacked knots, kinks, or twists that would explain the tangling. The hairs themselves were strangely shaped: the cross-sections were triangular, grooved, or shaped like kidneys instead of circular.
The unusual solution to the condition is to cut off the solidified mass of hair. In one case, a woman from Indiana wanted to keep her hair, having spent 24 years growing it. After two and a half months of lubricating her hair with olive oil and separating the strands with knitting needles, her hair returned to normal.

Tennis pundits were reportedly red-faced when they had to comment on a match between two players called Wang and King.

The TV commentators had no choice but to say the players' last names one after the other during long rallies, says The Sun.

To make things worse, the Thai Open match between Yeu-Tzuoo Wang and Phillip King was held in Bangkok.

A tennis fan watching on TV said: "There were a few moments in the match when the commentators had no alternative but to say their names. It was hilarious."

Wang, 22, from Taiwan, beat U.S. player King, 25, in two sets, 6-3, 6-3.

Microsoft Corp.'s Excel 2007 spreadsheet program is going to have to relearn part of its multiplication table.

In a blog post, Microsoft employee David Gainer said that when computer users tried to get Excel 2007 to multiply some pairs of numbers and the result was 65,535, Excel would incorrectly display 100,000 as the answer.

Gainer said Excel makes mistakes multiplying 77.1 by 850, 10.2 by 6,425 and 20.4 by 3,212.5, but the program appears to be able to handle 16,383.75 times 4.

"Further testing showed a similar phenomenon with 65,536 as well," Gainer wrote Tuesday.

He said Excel was actually performing the calculations correctly, but when it comes time to show the answer on the screen, it messes up.

Gainer said the bug is limited to six numbers from 65,534.99999999995 to 65,535, and six numbers from 65,535.99999999995 to 65,536 and that Microsoft is working hard to fix the problem.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe Health & Safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags!

The awards, founded in 1991, mark achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think".
The prize ceremony took place at Harvard University, US.
Genuine Nobel Laureates handed out the much-coveted awards to the winners, who took away no cash, but instead received a handmade prize, a certificate, and, of course, the glory of such an illustrious win.

Medicine - Brain Witcombe, of Gloucestershire Royal NHS Foundation Trust, UK, and Dan Meyer for their probing work on the health consequences of swallowing a sword.
Physics - A US-Chile team who ironed out the problem of how sheets become wrinkled.
Biology - Dr Johanna van Bronswijk of the Netherlands for carrying out a creepy crawly census of all of the mites, insects, spiders, ferns and fungi that share our beds.
Chemistry - Mayu Yamamoto, from Japan, for developing a method to extract vanilla fragrance and flavouring from cow dung.
Linguistics - A University of Barcelona team for showing that rats are unable to tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and somebody speaking Dutch backwards.
Literature - Glenda Browne of Blue Mountains, Australia, for her study of the word "the", and how it can flummox those trying to put things into alphabetical order.
Peace - The US Air Force Wright Laboratory for instigating research and development on a chemical weapon that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among enemy troops.
Nutrition - Brian Wansink of Cornell University for investigating the limits of human appetite by feeding volunteers a self-refilling, "bottomless" bowl of soup.
Economics - Kuo Cheng Hsieh of Taiwan for patenting a device that can catch bank robbers by dropping a net over them.
Aviation - A National University of Quilmes, Argentina, team for discovering that impotency drugs can help hamsters to recover from jet lag.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

I have become a little older since I saw you last. A few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old girl and I am seeing several gentlemen every day.
"As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed. Then I visit John. Next it is time for Mr Kellog followed by the refreshing company of Mr Tetley or his friend, whom I call just by his initials, PG.
"Then comes someone I do not like - Arthur Ritis. He knows that he is not welcome but he insists and, what is worse, he stays for the rest of the day. He does not like to stay in one place at a time so he takes me from joint to joint.
"After such a busy day, I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Johnny Walker. What a life.
"Oh yes, I am also flirting with Al Zeimer.
"The vicar called the other day and said that, at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do that all the time. No matter where I am, in the bedroom, kitchen, sitting room or even in the garden, I stop and ask myself ... now what am I here after?"

I notice that on Google's homepage today there's an image of Sputnik to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of mankind placing satellites in space. We don't seem to have progressed much in those five decades though; twelve years later, in 1969 NASA reached the Moon - but nothing since.

I've always been interested in astronomy and space exploration. As a child I remember collecting cards that you got free with packets of tea. One particular series was concerned with the manned exploration of space and depicted the likely spaceship which would take astronauts to Mars in 1988 - that was a bit optimistic.

On the same subject, a couple of weeks ago I was reading an article which said that the Americans could have funded a mission to Mars eleven times over for the same amount of money as they've spent on the Iraq War. It's all a matter of politics and priorities I suppose: I can just about remember the Apollo Moon landings and would certainly be following very closely any future mission to Mars - it's not likely to happen for decades though.

With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup, many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.

One Doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation. Being in a hurry, the doctor gave the poor Russian some suppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days. Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctors.

"So how did those work for ya?", the doctor asked.

The old Russian, with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit; They stuck in my throat; and for as much good as they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

After announcing he doesn't have a bank account and hands his salary over to his mother, Polish Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski Tuesday had another revelation: he doesn't hold a driving licence.

"I admit that I don't have a licence, which I regret," the 58-year-old premier told reporters who were accompanying him on the election campaign trail.

Asked if he planned to learn to drive, Kaczynski replied: "In life, nothing is impossible."

"Maybe I'll do it one day but, to tell the truth, I haven't thought about it," he said.

Kaczynski's comments came as he was quizzed about his conservative government's record on road construction, which has become a campaign issue ahead of Poland's October 21 snap parliamentary elections.

Poland currently lacks a national motorway network, and there are growing jitters over the chances of having one in place in time for the 2012 European football championships, which Poland is due to co-host with Ukraine.

In May, Kaczynski who is unmarried and lives with his mother, revealed that he had never opened a bank account and that she held the purse-strings.

Kaczynski said he had chosen not to open an account to avoid the risk that anyone trying to conjure up a scandal might transfer funds into it and then try to discredit him.

Kaczynski's married identical twin, Lech Kaczynski, is president of Poland.

The brothers, who founded Poland's Law and Justice (PiS) party, won the country's presidential and parliamentary elections in 2005 after campaigning on an anti-corruption platform.

PiS has revived the anti-graft message in the latest election battle, which began after parliament was dissolved following the collapse of Jaroslaw Kaczynski's coalition government in August.

I've just been on the phone to the council's refuse collection department because I've had enough of the unsociable behaviour of my neighbours. The neighbours at both sides of me have piled up all their rubbish in the alleyway at the back of the houses; it's smelly and unhygienic and is blocking my gate. Of course, if the bins were emptied weekly this wouldn't be so much of a problem.

Anyhow, an inspector is coming at to have a look and determine who's causing the problems.

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

There was a crash in town this morning which has caused delays on the buses all day.

I used to really enjoy travelling on buses and trains, but now I find it annoying, frustrating and tiring.

The plane that never takes off

An Indian entrepreneur is giving people who cannot afford to fly the chance to experience air travel for just £2.

Bahadur Chand Gupta's Airbus 300 in Delhi never actually leaves the ground, reports The Times.

Passengers pay for the experience of sitting on a plane, listening to announcements and being waited on by flight attendants.

The plane has only one wing, no lighting and the lavatories are out of order. The air-conditioning is powered by a generator.

But about 40 passengers turn up each Saturday to queue for boarding cards.

In a country where 99% of the population have never experienced air travel, the "virtual journeys" have proved a roaring success.

Customers buckle themselves in and watch a safety demonstration. But when they look out of the windows, the landscape never changes.

'Captain' Gupta's regular announcements include "We will soon be passing through a zone of turbulence" and "We are about to begin our descent into Delhi".

"Some of my passengers have crossed the country to get on this plane," said Mr Gupta who bought the plane in 2003 from an insurance company.

A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in them.
And a psychiatrist calls once a week to collect the rent.

Recommended

Miss Ann Keeps,
The Cockwell Inn,
Tillit,
Herts.,
CU4 1OK

I've been living in my current house for five years now and I'm a lot happier here than in the previous place I lived, a top floor flat in a large house converted into three flats. The main advantages of where I'm living now are that I have my own front door and private garden at the back…there's even a swing hanging from one of the boughs of the oak tree. If someone knocks at the door it's usually because they want to speak to me and not like it used to be when my buzzer would ring and it was people asking the whereabouts of the other tenants…or could I possibly pass on messengers.

I've got a bath; which I much prefer to a shower , separate sitting room, study/computer room and two bedrooms…much better than my previous accommodation consisting of a combined bedroom/sitting room, a kitchen where the ceiling was so low I couldn't stand up properly and a bathroom that was actually out on the landing.

Finally, the neighbourhood's a lot nicer - there aren't prostitutes or drug dealers on every street corner.