A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Helloooooooooooo - it's only 25 cents!"

This is what I'll be having for my dinner/lunch a bit later today:

Heligolandic fish and vegetable platter - Germany

Gratin dauphinois - France

Valencian paella - Spain

They were all being sold off cheaply. I'll bung them all into a largish casserole dish and cook it in the microwave.

A US police chief has stockpiled chainsaws - in case his city is invaded by zombies.

Police lieutenant Bruce Ferguson says his team are ready for any attack on Lansing, Michigan.

"We have been doing mock disasters and cross training for several years," he told the Lansing State Journal.

"People can feel confident, if zombies start invading, we'll know how to close the streets. We can get chainsaws too.

"If a swarm comes in on I-496 westbound, we'll block off the exits so they miss the city."

I've just returned from a meeting at Rossington Community Centre; one of the projects based there is wanting me to run a therapeutic writing group. It seems like the organisers are quite happy for the sessions to develop naturally depending on the people who attend...so we discussed poetry, short stories, autobiography, and performance pieces. The only thing stipulated was that they'd like to see some of the work published, either as a booklet or online - a group webpage or individual blogs.

I was surprised when I was told that the group will be starting in a fortnight's time; I was assuming nothing would happen until the New Year, but everyone is keen to get things moving.

Funding for the project hasn't been secured yet, but I'll be able to claim back my bus fare and will start to be paid some time next year.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"

So, the Royal Family is involved in another scandal and the press/media is being complicit in covering it up - there's not much freedom of expression in the UK, is there?

HER DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar so that the pebbles rolled into the open
areas
between the rocks. He again asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

Then the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked
again if the jar was full. The students replied yes.

The professor then poured two cans of beer into the jar - effectively
filling
the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said
the
professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that
this
jar
represents your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health,
your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained
in your life, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
other
things that
matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else -
the
small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room
for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for the things that are important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with
your children. Take time for medical check ups. Take your partner out
dancing. There will always be time to work, clean, and fix up the
house.
Take care of the rocks first - the rest is just sand."

With that one of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer
represented. The professor smiled and said, "It just goes to show you
that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of beers."

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his Mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, The man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car...you or your mother?"

When a noxious cloud sent shoppers running in panic on the streets of London, emergency services feared the capital was under chemical attack.

Wearing specialist breathing equipment, fire crews sealed off the area in Soho on Monday afternoon and began a three-hour hunt to find the source of the eye-watering stench while a hazardous area response team stood by, fearing the worst.

Three streets were closed and people evacuated from the area as the search was carried out. After locating the source at about 7pm, emergency crews smashed their way into the Thai Cottage restaurant in D'Arblay Street only to emerge with a 9lb pot of smouldering dried chillies.

Baffled chef Chalemchai Tangjariyapoon, who had been cooking a spicy dip, was amazed to find himself at the centre of the terror scare.
"We only cook it once a year - it's a spicy dip with extra hot chillies that are deliberately burned," he said.

"To us it smells like burned chilli and it is slightly unusual. I can understand why people who weren't Thai would not know what it was but it doesn't smell like chemicals. I'm a bit confused."

Staff at the restaurant had already been evacuated by the time the dip was discovered. Supranee Yodmuang, a Thai Cottage waitress said: "The first we knew about it was at about 4.30 in the afternoon when the fire brigade came. They led us out to where the streets had been cordoned off and we waited there for about three hours.

"They said there was a chemical smell and I remember saying to someone that maybe the smell was the chillies but then we said that was not possible.

"When we came back at 7.30pm we saw the door had been smashed and there were fire brigade and police waiting outside. I was a bit scared but they were very nice about it."

The spicy dip, which is a speciality at the restaurant, is made from charred chillies, garlic flakes, dried shrimps, palm sugar, shrimp paste, tamarind and vegetable oil.

The restaurant, which has been open for 17 years, is considering putting up posters to warn the public during future chilli cooking sessions.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Well, maybe you could go to a blanket party and then, if you're up for it, go and sleep with the captain's daughter - I'm sure she'd enjoy your attention.

A surge in naked sleepwalking among guests has led one of Britain's largest budget hotel groups to re-train staff to handle late-night nudity.

Travelodge, which runs more than 300 business hotels in Britain, says sleepwalking rose seven-fold in the past year, and 95 percent of the somnambulants are scantily clad men.

"We have seen an increased number of cases over the years so it is important that our staff know how to help sleepwalking when it arises," Leigh McCarron, the chain's sleep director, said in a statement.

One tip in the company's newly released "sleepwalkers guide" tells staff to keep towels handy at the front desk in case a customer's dignity needs preserving.
The company said naked wanderers often ask receptionists such questions as "Where's the bathroom?," "Do you have a newspaper?" or "Can I check out, I'm late for work?"

Studies have found that sleepwalking can be brought on by stress, alcohol, eating cheese or consuming too much caffeine. It generally takes effect an hour or two after going to bed, when people are first slipping into a deep sleep.

Asked Thursday why she thought 95 percent of its sleepwalkers were naked men, a Travelodge spokeswoman said: "We have more men staying with us than women, so that could be a factor."

The final credits have rolled at a 23-seat cinema housed in an old railway carriage that has been entertaining film lovers for more than 50 years.
La Charrette, which stands in the back garden of a house in Gorseinon, near Swansea, was once officially recognised as the smallest cinema in Wales.

But wear and tear means it has become too costly to maintain.

The last screening - Ocean's 13 - was followed by a compilation of clips from films shown over the last 54 years.

The cinema was founded by electrician Gwyn Phillips, who fell in love with the silver screen while working in local cinemas as a teenager.

He built La Charrette in his back garden and invited family and friends to screenings.

Although he died in 1996, his family continued to allow the 70-strong members to screen films there, and seven years ago Lottery funding helped pay for a new video projection system and Dolby surround sound.

The chairman of the club, Ron Williams, has been visiting the cinema for the last 47 years.

He said he was "extremely sad" to watch his final film there as many members had also become close friends.

"The cinema has outlasted many of its commercial rivals," he added.

"Now sadly, because of structural problems with the building and an ageing membership, the committee and manager of the club have decided to call it a day.

"A survey has revealed that it is no longer economically viable to maintain the building - which will be demolished in the near future."

Shortly after Mr Phillips died, the British Film Institute recognised La Charrette as the smallest cinema in Wales.

Over the years it has shown classics such as Gone with the Wind and The Sound of Music to recent releases such as The Queen and Wild Hogs.

Yesterday I had some sausages for my tea. Apparently one of the ingredients was 'beef connective tissue.'

I'm now too scared to check Google to see what it is.

A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says.

Shannon Conwell, 33, said he and his 9-year-old son fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie. They awoke about 3 a.m. Friday to find their home on fire after hearing the family's Amazon parrot, Peanut, imitating a fire alarm.

"He was really screaming his head off," Conwell said.

The smoke alarm had activated, but it was the bird's call that caught Conwell's attention.

"I grabbed my son and my bird, and got out of the house," he said.

The fire destroyed the home's dining room, kitchen and bedroom, Muncie fire officials said. It remains under investigation.

Aside from Peanut, Conwell said the fact that he and his son fell asleep on the couch helped save them. They may not have heard the alarm or the bird if they were asleep in their bedrooms.

Conwell said he runs an air conditioner and a breathing machine in his bedroom and they drown out a lot of noise around the house.

A Belgian man who stopped an old woman being crushed in train doors as she got onto a train was handed a £40 pound fine for causing a delay.

Daniel Dewulf from Ostend was given the fine by a conductor after he pulled open the train doors after they closed on the elderly lady as she tried to get on.

He said: "I heard the conductor's whistle just as I got on the train and then realised someone else was trying to get on. The doors had closed on the elderly woman, trapping her.

"In order to prevent a tragedy I pushed the door open and helped her get in. She thanked me profusely. But the conductor gave me a fine because he said my actions increased the chance of a delay.

"He wasn't interested when I tried to explain to him that I had only opened the doors to try and save an old woman's life."

Belgian Railways has now apologised to Dewulf and a spokesman said: "We should have fined the woman in question for boarding the train after the whistle."

School trips that I went on:

Blue John Caverns, Castleton, Derbyshire
Jodrell Bank Radio Telescope, Cheshire
School's outward-bound camping barn, Cawthorne, near Barnsley
Circus at Doncaster
Nature trail at High Melton Campus, Doncaster
Houses of Parliament/Palace of Westminster, London

In some ways it's not my favourite time of the year. It's quite cold this morning and so I put on my heavy coat, not realising until I'd got to the end of the street that my wallet was in my jacket...it will be a lot simpler when it's cold enough so that I need to wear my coat every day; knowing that my wallet is in the inside pocket.

And then on Sunday morning there'll be all the inconvenience of having to put the clocks, and my watch back an hour.

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

This extract from an editorial about the British class system made me smile:

So someone will ask: "What about Osama Bin Laden? He must be working class: living in a cave and he can't even get on the council housing list." Then someone will answer: "How can he be working class when his job is making films?"

A tourist who was attacked by a crocodile while swimming in an Australian river was so drunk that he fell asleep at his campsite before going to hospital for treatment, a report said Friday.

Matt Martin was camping in an area of the northeastern state of Queensland known to be inhabited by crocodiles when he drank what he later described as "half a slab" -- or twelve cans of beer.

When he dived into the river at Cow Bay in the topical far north of the state, he landed on a crocodile.
After a brief wrestling match with the reptile, Martin emerged with gashes on his face requiring 40 stitches, The Australian newspaper reported.

Admitting his face was "pretty messed up" when he went back to his campsite, Martin, 35, from Newcastle city north of Sydney, then slept for seven hours before seeking medical help.

His injuries were so bad that when he finally did make it to hospital, he was holding a blanket to his face to stop the bleeding, the newspaper said.

Crocodiles inhabit most of the waterways in northern Australia and although attacks on humans are rare, they are potentially very dangerous and numbers have increased in recent years due to official protection after fears they might be wiped out by hunters.

Tattoo spells out Coca-Cola

A man who has proudly showed off his tattoo for 26 years was baffled to realise it actually spelt Coca-Cola.

Vince Mattingley had his named tattooed on his chest in Chinese writing after asking staff at his favourite restaurant to write his name in Chinese symbols.

But a waiter drew the Coke words - and Vince had it etched on his chest.

Vince only realised the mistake when he recently travelled to Thailand and a barman asked him why he had Coca-Cola written on his chest, reports The Sun.

Vince, of Watford, said: "I thought it was a joke then I found out that's what it said. The restaurant staff must have had a good laugh about it."

He now plans to get another Oriental tattoo to cover up the name. He added: "I'm going to go with something Japanese this time."

It's fortunate for me that I'm an early riser. Since the refuse collectors arrive at eight o'clock many people need to put out their bins the night before, but I'm able to do it first thing in the morning.

I've just been to put my bin out in the alleyway at the back of the houses and noticed that next door's bin has been set on fire and several others turned over, spilling the contents.

German police had to rescue a driver after he moved out of the way to allow a police car with flashing lights to pass, and got stuck in setting concrete.

Hans-Peter Wagner, 62, was driving on the A1 motorway near Ratekau in Northern Germany when he saw police flashing to get past him in his rear view mirror.
He instantly made way and pulled over but went straight into a stretch of road that had just been freshly concreted.

His car was later pulled out of the concrete by traffic cops.
Wagner said: "It looked like a regular road, and I didn't see it was wet concrete."

Four couples spent seven days on a spinning carousel in China in the hope of winning the keys to their own home.

They were among seven couples who entered the competition to win the downpayment on an apartment in Xiamen City.

They had to stay on the merry-go-round horses to eat, drink and sleep - and were only allowed to get off for toilet breaks.

Each contestant wore a safety belt to ensure they did not fall off when they were asleep, reports Xiamen Daily.

When four couples lasted the full seven days, the organisers - a local shopping mall - staged a decider. Each couple were given a golden egg to open with only one egg containing a note to say it was the winner.

The winners were Miss Xu and Mr Chen who said: "This will be the best present for us, since it means we can get our marriage certificate tomorrow."

The other three couples to go the distance were each given consolation prizes of the equivalent of £650 in cash.

A mother has beaten odds of a million to one after conceiving twice in a month.

Beverley Robson, 32, was still releasing eggs after her first conception and fell pregnant again two weeks later.

Beverly gave birth to healthy girls Leah born weighing 6lb 6oz and Lara 4lb 4oz.

The girls who come from different embryos and are not twins despite being born the same day, reports The Sun.
The phenomenon, known as superfecundation, usually results in the second baby dying as the older one gets better nourished in the womb.

According to the Sun Beverley of Bishop Auckland, Co Durham said: "They're my miracle babies. My consultant told me I should prepare for the worst because it's so rare for the second baby to survive.

"Your hormones are supposed to stop you ovulating when you're pregnant but mine didn't. Craig and me are thrilled, our family is complete."

Beverley also has two sons Kyle, nine, and six-year-old Zack with husband Craig, 29.

Italian teenagers are flocking to nightclubs to hear the 14th century poetry of Dante.

Passages from Dante's The Divine Comedy have been set to music by leading Italian DJ, Alessio Bertallot.

He spins the discs while actress Lucilla Giagnoni reads the poetry at the Disco Inferno events.

The music ranges from rock to jazz and techno dance music, reports The Daily Telegraph.

The show has become so popular that it is touring the Italy, culminating with a night at Rome's prestigious Auditorium venue early next year.

Many of the shows have been performed for free at Italian universities, including one on a helicopter landing pad at the Department of Aerospace Engineering at Milan's Polytechnic.

"The poetry is great for shouting out loud," said Ms Giagnoni. "The words are so strong that when you hear them in public, in a group, everyone stops to take note."

Mr Bertallot added: "We wanted to bring theatre into the clubs. On the stage there is just me and Lucilla. She recites Dante, and I also read various bits in a sort of rap.

"But my main job is to construct a soundscape for a voyage into the Dantean circles of hell.

"I'm no expert on The Divine Comedy. I studied it at secondary school, and then Lucilla helped me through it. I selected the songs because of their emotional effect."

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale , Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

The Effect of Country Music on Suicide
(S. Stack and J. Gundlach; Wayne State University and Auburn University; 1992)
"The greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate"

Love and Sex with Robots
(D. Levy; University of Maastricht; 2007)
"Human-robot marriages will be legal by 2050"

Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World's Literature
(D. Busch and J. Starling; Madison, Wisconsin; 1986)
"The study reports, among other items: a beer glass, a suitcase key and a magazine"

Chickens Prefer Beautiful Humans
(S. Ghirlanda, L. Jansson, M. Enquist; Stockholm University; 2002)
"The animals showed preferences for faces consistent with human sexual preferences"

Safe and Painless Manipulation of Penile Zipper Entrapment
(Satish Chandra Mishra; Charak Palika Hospital; 2005)
"A quick, simple and non-traumatic approach to penile zipper entrapment"

Pressures Produced When Penguins Poo -- Calculations on Avian Defecation
(V. Breno Meyer-Rochow and J. Gal; International University of Bremen and Lorand Eotvos University of Hungary; 2005)
"They get up, move to the edge of the nest, turn around, bend over... and shoot"

Farting as a Defence Against Unspeakable Dread
(Dr. M. Sidoli; Washington DC; 1998)
"When feeling endangered, Peter used his bodily smell and farts to envelop himself in a protective cloud"

Navigation-Related Structural Change In the Hippocampi of Taxi Drivers
(E. A. Maguire and others; University College London; 1999)
"The brains of London taxi drivers are more developed than those of their fellow citizens."

Ultrasonic Velocity in Cheddar Cheese as Affected by Temperature
(A. Mulet, J. Benedito and J. Bon; Polytechnic University of Valencia; 2006)
"The most reliable temperature interval to carry out ultrasonic measurements in Cheddar cheese is identified as 0 to 17 °C."

Impact of Wet Underwear on Thermoregulatory Responses and Thermal Comfort in the Cold
(M. K. Bakkevig and R. Nielson; Sintef Unimed and Technical University of Denmark; 1995)
"The thickness of the underwear has the most influence on thermoregulatory responses"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, seized Jim and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately took the event to the Director of the hospital. Both agreed that Edna must be sane to have such presence of mind, and should be discharged immediately from the hospital. To know exactly what to do and act upon it meant that Edna was mentally stable.
When the Nurse went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. We have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in his bathroom; right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead!"
Edna replied, "He did not hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon can I go home?"

Leaven and Earth ~ Bakery, Berkeley, CA

Salt and Battery ~ Fish and Chips, Brisbane, Australia

Juan More Taco ~ Taqueria in Fremont, CA

Citizen Canine ~ Dog Kennel, Oakland, CA

Many Happy Returns Inc. ~ Tax Prep