Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I'm feeling really positive and upbeat after the group therapy session this morning. We had a visitor from the head office at Liverpool and had an opportunity to tell him how positive we all are about the group. Since Reed in Partnership is hoping to roll out the scheme nationally, our input from the pilot scheme in Doncaster is going to be included in the viability report.

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water.

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on!

A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog.
Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a surprise gift for her flatmate, The Sun newspaper reported on Friday.
But chum Tony Dangerfield's bloodhound Charlie crept into the room and greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn paper.
After a frantic search for the phone, Murray obtained the number from the telephone company, dialed and heard muffled ringing from sleeping Charlie's stomach.
"At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone -- then I realized where it was," she said. "I couldn't believe he'd swallowed it."
The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let nature take its course.
Twenty four hours later the phone duly emerged -- in perfect working order.

I'm just thinking; I ought to mention that 'dog and bone' is [London] Cockney rhyming slang for 'telephone'.

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily the Harrier was operating unarmed.

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

It needs a rest.

On four seperate occasions today someone has pushed a menu from a fast food establishment through my letterbox.

Unfortunately this is not that unusual.

Twelve men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they were digging up a road because they had heard a rumour that it was built with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road construction.

Citing the case of a woman who claims she got pregnant from e-mail, an Ohio Democrat called Wednesday for a "chastity chip" for the Internet. Rep. James Traficant, known for his flamboyant rhetoric, gave a brief floor speech about a woman named Frances who claimed to have gotten pregnant through an e-mail exchange with a paramour 1,500 miles away. "That's right -- pregnant," he proclaimed, warning of the dangers of "immaculate reception." He called on Congress to go beyond "v-chips" that would protect kids from sexual content on the Internet, saying, "Its time for Congress to act. The computers do not need a v-chip. The Internet needs a chastity chip."

Windsor Castle has been the victim of a cat burglar every day for the past four years.

A cat called Mime, which lives in a Chinese restaurant 50 yards opposite, has been strolling past armed police and royal guards in order to dine with royalty - the Queen's corgis.

Mime is now such a regular visitor she gets VIP treatment. On the Queen's birthday when Mime's normal route was blocked due to a locked gate, security staff opened it especially to let her through.

Owner Kevin Lam said: "When people come to my restaurant after visiting the castle they ask me why the Queen's cat is in the restaurant. I keep having to tell them that she is actually my cat!"

But he said the ten-year-old cat's daily lunchtime visits had not always been appreciated by the corgis.

He told The Sun: "A courtier told me the corgis used to fight with her at first, but after lots of barking and some hissing they came to a sort of truce."

A recent headline from the BBC News Online site:

Strangled woman was murder victim.
A woman who was found strangled at her flat in south London was murdered, police have revealed.

Is this BBC reporter not aware of the dictionary definition of 'strangle' - 'to kill by compressing the windpipe and so preventing breathing' ? [Webster's New International Dictionary] Therefore, by using the word 'strangle' we already know she's been murdered; so why tell us again in the same sentence?

Why am I forced to pay a compulsory TV licence fee of £130 a year for this rubbish? Unfortunately, it seems that the police are no better either though.

Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients. Her sign outside her office reads: "Super California Mystic, Expert: Halitosis"

According to the Washington Times, when a Virginia High School student exposed mice to hard rock music ten hours a day for three weeks, their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard rock mice ate each other.

DARLING SENDS 25 MILLION BANK RECORDS TO NIGERIAN DOCTOR

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week.
The Chancellor told the House of Commons he had received a 'very moving email' from a Dr Kwantana in Lagos who is hoping to begin a new life in Canada.

Mr Darling said: "Naturally he wanted to transfer his assets to his new home and asked for my assistance.

"In keeping with our manifesto commitment of helping Africans to help themselves, I agreed to send him 25 million bank account details.
"In exchange for my role in this surprisingly simple transaction he has offered a generous commission which I believe will begin to offset the £25bn I have given to Northern Rock and which - we are all now starting to realise - is never, ever going to be paid back.
"Not in a million years. No siree. Not a snowball's chance in hell."
Mr Darling added: "Our new relationship with this gutsy Nigerian not only raises Britain's standing in the international community, but will deliver real value for the British taxpayer. I commend it to the House."

The Kwantana email in full:

Hello dear lovely friend and I am introducing myself at you as Dr Jericho Kwantana MD.

Most recently since birth I have been leaving Nigeria to start my new life in Canadia but due to and because of international bank lawings, good Nigerian doctors like I and myself are unable to be allowed to make huge and large inter-continental money transferings to the Bank of Torontoro.

Dearest lovely friend, I have in a prized Zurich account-hole waiting 21 billions dollar money. I am able and ready to transfer this cash bomb to you and if able to hold and send to my wife in Canadia, I will make the kind offer to you of full 10 percentage of totals.

I hope with sincerity and much enthusiasms that you are able to look kindly upon my Canadian ambitions. One last and final pleading to you: In order for transactions to overtake speedily, I require that you send to me very kindly the sort code and account number of every British person.
With the kindness and prayers of Jesus,
Your Friend Jericho Kwantana.

It's taken me about ten minutes to access the internet this morning; that's the third time within the last week or so that it's taken me so long. Fortunately the problem isn't anything too complicated - all I need to do is unplug and switch off my router and disconnect the telephone line for a few seconds, and then re-connect and switch on everything again and press the reset button.

I've been online for over two years now and am a BT Broadband customer, and have generally had no problems with their service though.

As well as being funny, some of these comments are very clever and make a lot of sense.

SCHOOL DAYS
We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
All teachers at our school are certified.
The headmaster caned me only on rear occasions.
Our school is ventilated by hot currants.

• BOOKS AND WORDS
A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.
In lbsen's Ghosts, Oswald dies of congenial syphilis.
Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
An epitaph is a short sarcastic poem.
Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn't reach the right side of the page.
Polonius was a mythical sausage.
Letters in sloping type are in hysterics.
Emphasis in reading is putting more distress in one place than another.
An abstract noun is one that cannot be heard, seen, touched or smelled.

• GEOGRAPHY
A consonant is a large piece of land surrounded by water. Britain has a temporary climate.
In some rocks there are to be found the fossil footprints of fishes.
The Dutch people use water power to drive their windmills.

• HISTORY
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
The wife of a duke is a ducky.
Joan of Arc was burned to a steak.
Another Greek myth was Jason And The Golden Fleas.
Joan of Arc was Noah's sister.
The King wore a scarlet robe trimmed with vermin.
In the middle of the 18th-century, all the morons moved to Utah.
Louis XVI was gelatined to death.
Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.

• POLITICS
When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said "Me too, Brutus!"
King John ground the people down under heavy taxis.
President Carter faced the "Iran Hostess Crisis".
The U.S.S.R. and the U.S.A. became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.

• SCIENCE AND MEDICINE
Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
A phlegmatic person is one who has chronic bronchitis.
A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
Al Chemy was a man who discovered chemistry.
Crude oil is a vicious substance.
To germinate is to become a naturalised German.
The Earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
If teeth are not cleaned, plague is the result.

• RELIGION
The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shall not admit adultery".
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 cucumbers.
The Papal bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants.
The Philistines are islands in the Pacific.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from the Vatican.

• ANIMALS
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
Marsupials are poached animals.
The adder is a poisonous snack.
An octogenarian is an animal which has eight young at birth.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.

• GENERAL STUDIES
As he walked through his room he heard the sound of heavy breeding.
In the Middle Ages people lived in mud huts with rough mating on the floor.
The 19th-century was when people stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
Madame Pompadour gained in power while being placed under the king.
Merchants appeared and roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organising big fairies in the countryside.
The Mona Lisa was the most beautiful woman ever to be laid on canvas.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Gonads are a tribe of wandering desert people.
Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Croatia rose to the occasion in their crucial Euro 2008 defeat of England - after an apparent X-rated gaffe by an English opera singer at Wembley.
Tony Henry belted out a version of the Croat anthem before the 80,000 crowd, but made a blunder at the end.
He should have sung 'Mila kuda si planina' (which roughly means 'You know my dear how we love your mountains').
But he instead sang 'Mila kura si planina' which can be interpreted as 'My dear, my penis is a mountain'.

Now Henry could be one of the few Englishmen at the Euro 2008 finals in Austria and Switzerland as Croatian fans adopt him as a lucky omen.
They believe his mistake relaxed their chuckling players, who scored an early goal in the 3-2 win that put Croatia top of the group and knocked out England.
The singer, who hails from St Albans in Hertfordshire but now lives in Inverness, Scotland, has performed at stadiums around the world.
He was once known as the Voice of Arsenal after Gunners fans were impressed with his rendition of Abide with Me before the FA Cup final in 2003 at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.
Henry came unstuck when he sang Lijepa Nasa Domovino (Our Beautiful Homeland) at a rain-swept Wembley on Wednesday night.
"I can't even defend myself at the end of the day. It was apparently the last line on the second verse which I made the mistake on," he told BBC Radio 5 Live.
"Coming to Wembley and the stadium, it must have got to me, is all I can say.
"It was the last thing that I would intentionally do, and all I can say is if I have offended any Croatians, then they have my deepest apologies."

On the contrary, Henry is becoming a cult hero in Croatia, but denies he played a part in England's exit.
"I can't take the blame for that. The last thing I would do is brag about my parts like that - especially to make it so public," said Henry.
BBC TV presenter Adrian Chiles, whose mother is Croatian, acknowledged the language could pose problems.
"As a speaker of poor Croatian, I have a proud record of getting things calamitously wrong," said the Match of the Day 2 host.
"My personal best was telling a campsite owner that I had a small rat (mali stakor) rather than small tent (mali shator). However, Tony's put all my lifetime's efforts into the shade now."
Zeljka Tomljenovic, secretary of the British-Croatian Society, added: "I don't envy the guy at all because the pronunciation is so difficult.
"He had a big challenge, to sing the national anthem in a language he knows, I assume, nothing about."
Henry's agent Douglas Gillespie said it was a genuine mistake, but admitted the publicity could boost his career.
"He's been given the lyrics correctly, but he has enough trouble with English, never mind Croatian," joked Gillespie.
"There were 80,000 people in the crowd and millions of people watching. It was just the pressure of the moment.
"He did sing it very well and made a very, very small mistake for someone doing his best and singing in a language that is alien to him. If you've ever tried to speak Croatian, it's very difficult.
"The Croatians think it's great, and they've invited him to come over and sing at Euro 2008, and asked if he will be their mascot."

South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital

"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were travelling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.

In the first town they went to, the people all said; "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"

The two travellers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.

In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"

So the pair decided that they should both ride.
In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.

So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.

On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.

The Wall Street Journal had an article about the Dutch takeover of JFK airport's International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some interesting ideas on how to clean it up:
In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%.
"We will put flies in the urinals -- yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
His New York public relations attendant titters. "Fine, laugh at me," Mr. Jansen says. "It works."

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners to their deaths.
Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree. Officials have admitted how:
 Victim Number 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.
 Victim Number 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.
 Victim Number 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.
 Victim Number 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.
Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa: "He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.It's so sad that he had to be put down."
Gamer's terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.
Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.
Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway platform.
Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor, the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.
A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South Africa, said: "We had no choice but to have him put down."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have got suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said " Screw You!" he turned to the bride and said "Screw You Too!" and then said "I'm out of here."
He got the marriage annulled the next day.

This is an actual ad that appears in the June 97 issue of Dog Fancy:

Can Your Dog Read? While there is little scientific evidence, loving dog owners believe that there are many amazing indications that some dogs may be able to read or recognize words. Send now for your Dog Reading Fun Kit with eye chart, flash cards, instructions and diploma. Hours of entertainment for you and your loving companion. Order additional Dog Reading Fun Kits for gifts. Mail your check or money order today! $7.95 plus $2 s/h for each fun kit to: MDA Products, 5339 Prospect Rd #280 San Jose, CA 95129.

I'm just posting an email I found in my inbox this morning. It informs me that I've won £1,000,000. I don't think I'll be celebrating though because I never do the lottery.

Who do they think is going to fall for this scam? There must be at least a dozen spelling mistakes in the text and the email address is very suspicious.

With the recent loss of data by Her Majesty's Customs and Revenue you'd think, and hope, that people are especially wary of these phishing scams...I'm still receiving emails purportedly from banks, eBay, Amazon and PayPal requiring me to confirm my details though - I don't have accounts with the latter three, and don't do any banking by email...I always insist on presenting my ugly mug at the counter at the branch of the bank in town.

THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY HEADQUARTERSThe Marina Offices, St Peters Yacht Basin,Newcastle upon Tyne, NE6 1HX England
***** OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

Dear WINNER, We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just cluded annualfinal draws of UNITED KINGDOM international programs.After thisautomatedcomputer ballot, your email address emerged as one of two winners inthe category "A" You are therefore been approve to claim the sum of1,000,000 (One Million Pounds Sterling) with the information below: REF No: UKNL-L/200-26937, BATCH No: 2007MJL-01 LUCKY NUMBERS03)(23)(18)(06)(0)Bonus(09) To file for your claim fill the form below and send it to our paymentparastatal: Contact Agent:Mr Vincent James Email:uknationallotteryoffice002@yahoo.co.uk Tel: +44 70457 44162 PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1. FULL NAMES:______________________
2. ADDRESS:______________
3. SEX:_____________
4. AGE__________________
5. MARITAL STATUS:______________
6.OCCUPATION:______________
7. TELEPHONE NO:________________
8. FAX NUMBER:__________________
9. E-MAIL ADDRESS:________________
10. COUNTRY OF ORIGIN:___________________
11. AMOUNT TO BE CLAIMED:_______________

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Caroline bryan.

Firemen rescue Santa

An abseiling Father Christmas had to be rescued by firemen after his stick-on beard became caught on his rope.

Santa was left stranded 30ft above the ground after his dramatic arrival at a Texas shopping centre, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Children gathered below watched in tears as he struggled to free himself, but his efforts only resulted in his red hat falling to earth.

Eventually he was thrown a pair of scissors and cut his beard free. But he was still unable to resume his descent, and the fire brigade was called.

The red-faced Father Christmas was finally led down on one of the brigade's telescopic ladders.

He had been asked to abseil down an 80ft advertising hoarding as the shopping centre had no chimneys down which he could make a more traditional descent.

So, at this very moment, the board of the F.A. is discussing Steve McClaren's future - after last night's pathetic performance by the England team there is no way he can stay in post. Of course, he'll receive a pay-off of several million Pounds...payment for failure: has the man got no shame?

Of course he's not the only one, we seem to have a culture of paying people who fail in England; the managing director of the failed bank Northern Rock, and the head of Her Majesty's Customs and Revenue [which has lost the confidential data of 25 million people] are both expected to receive multi-million Pounds 'retirement' packages.

As for the England manager's job, my choice would be Jose Mourinho, the former manager of Chelsea - but I don't think he'll even apply because he knows he wouldn't be successful: he's far too honest and straightforward [and undiplomatic] to even be considered.

Of course, the problems with English football go far deeper than just the poor performance of the international team on the pitch; there is too much money slushing around, too many foreign mercenaries playing at all levels in the game, too many hangers-on and a total disconnect with the working class supporters who are the lifeblood of the sport.

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.

After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- " "Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

A schoolboy team set a new FA record when every player in the 12-man squad scored in a 24-0 victory.

Even the keeper got a hat-trick as the lads switched positions, reports the Daily Mirror.

The FA confirmed: "The most scorers we have on record is from an FA Cup game in 1887, when Preston North End beat Hyde United 26-0. There were eight different scorers."

That means the record now goes to Bridlington Rangers Blue U13s following their victory over Hutton Cranswick United in the Hull Boys Sunday League.

The ball was seldom in their half and they were 14-0 up at the break.

Bridlington manager Ian Steward said: "From the start we dominated and the goals just kept coming.

"Whenever the goalkeeper kicked out the ball, one of our players managed to snaffle it. The defence had very little to do so at half-time we brought our keeper out and changed a few other positions."

The boys have been playing together since they were Under-7s and are now brimming with confidence as they climbed to third in their league.

Mr Steward added: "It has been known for one or two of our players to give up when losing 3-0.

"So the real winners had to be Cranswick for sheer determination and team spirit. Lesser teams would have packed up and gone home at half-time."

Pensioner faces jail over pink house

An Italian pensioner is facing five years in jail - for painting his house pink.

Giuliani Contadino, 75, had broken the law because his house is in the Cinque Terre national park - a UNESCO world heritage site.

Contadino said: "Some policemen came to tell me what I had done wrong. I told them they could help me repaint it if it was such a problem."

I've been considering this since Monday when I had to sign on at the jobcentre. Despite the fact that it was the very day that the government was promoting its new 'get tough' policy to reduce the number of people claiming Incapacity Benefit [long-term Sickness Benefit], I was being bullied yet again to actually start claiming Sickness Benefit. There's nothing in it for me though; I don't receive any more money and have to put in a new claim for Housing Benefit, which pisses off my landlord because of the forms he has to fill in.

The women who work at the jobcentre only do it so that they won't have to deal with me, and my name won't be appearing on the unemployed register...so the government will also be satisfied with the outcome.

But...I'm not doing it!!!

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is coming to Britain.

The ensemble, which performs on instruments made of fresh vegetables, will play at the Huddersfield Contemporary Music Festival.

The 11-strong group carve their produce before every show, using celeriac bongos, carrot recorders and the multi-vegetable 'cucumberphone'.

They play a range of music from contemporary to house, jazz to classical, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Performances promise to "appeal to all the senses", and the audience is usually offered fresh vegetable soup made from the instruments after shows.

But hungry fans in Huddersfield will be disappointed - health and safety regulations mean soup is banned - even without the parts the orchestra have blown on.

Nicklaus Gansterer, co-founder of the orchestra, explained how it all began: "We got the idea one day while we were cooking and chopping tomatoes.

"We got fascinated with the sound the chopping made, and from that moment we have started to hear music in a new way."

On a foggy Thursday, a sly dirty-necked, scowling outlaw skulked into the bank with a knife, ransacked it, and crawled out the window seeming happy.

Well, of course, it's not Old Norse at all, or even a modern Scandinavian language; but every one of these words is actually derived from [or at least influenced by] Old Norse though.

Doesn't it sound wonderful though when read aloud?

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

I need to report this.

Doncaster town centre has been taken over by an invading army of zombie prams and pushchairs. They're everywhere; and they've even eaten all of the mobility scooters.

I think they've now got a taste for flesh and blood.
I'm currently nursing two bruises - I think I've had a lucky escape!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager

thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured

to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds'

must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in

my

account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the

automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,

has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended

for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my

account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused

me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to

contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,

pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,

I,

like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally

and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be

aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to

open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status

which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to

eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your

bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies

of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and

the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,

assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than

28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses

required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later

date

to

the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While

this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

will

play

for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

HARD-DISK Girl:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girl:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girl:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girl:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girl:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girl:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girl:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girl:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL Girl:
Out of every ten things she says, nine are nonsense.

VIRUS Girl:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

What's the worst thing about living alone?

'No-one to scratch my back.'

'Cooking and eating alone.'

'Sleeping alone.'

'No-one to comment on the quality of your farting.'

'The cost of batteries.'

'The gnawing sense of futility that haunts your every waking hour as you contemplate the grim thought that, were you to die on the sofa, your decaying body would remain undiscovered for months until eventually, after the neighbours have complained about the smell, the police break into your house and uncover your rotting corpse still upright on the sofa in front of a TV blaring out "Cash In The Attic" while rats and maggots gnaw at your entrails.'

Top scientists were invited to a party,
and this is how they replied.

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin waited to see what evolved.

* Descartes said he'd think about it.

* Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been
feeling himself lately.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein thought it would be relatively
easy to attend.

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his
magnetic personality.

* Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

* Hertz said in the future he planned to attend
with greater frequency.

* Mendel said he'd put some things together and
see what came out.

* Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot.
Can't stop now, must dash."

* Newton planned to drop in.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

* Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

* Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

* Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant
at the thought.

* Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville
could get a flight.

Having marital problems? Have you tried putting egg in your underpants?
A woman in Cyprus is on trial for sorcery after pledging to shake off a curse apparently plaguing a man's relationship with his wife and mother-in-law.
The suggested remedy consisted of an egg, a spoon, a nail, some pubic hairs and underpants, local media reported Friday.
"She cracked the egg into my underpants," the 37-year-old man told a district court in the capital Nicosia.
The elderly woman wanted some 5,000 Cyprus pounds ($12,195) for her efforts, the man said, so he went to police.
Sorcery is banned in Cyprus though many people indulge in card readings and palmistry and read runes in coffee cups.

A school head was alerted by the caretaker to a persistent problem in the girls lavatories: some of the girl students were leaving lipstick kisses on the mirrors. The caretaker had left notices on the toilet walls asking for the practice to cease, but to no avail; every evening the caretaker would wipe away the kisses, and the next day lots more kisses would be planted on the mirror. It had become a bit of a game. The head teacher usually took a creative approach to problem solving, and so the next day she asked a few girl representatives from each class to meet with her in the lavatory.
"Thank you for coming," said the head, "You will see there are several lipstick kisses in the mirrors in this washroom.."
Some of the girls grinned at each other.
"As you will understand, modern lipstick is cleverly designed to stay on the lips, and so the lipstick is not easy at all to clean from the mirrors. We have therefore had to develop a special cleaning regime, and my hope is that when you see the effort involved you will help spread the word that we'd all be better off if those responsible for the kisses use tissue paper instead of the mirrors in future.."
At this point the caretaker stepped forward with a sponge squeegee, which he took into one of the toilet cubicles, dipped into the toilet bowl, and then used to clean one of the lipstick-covered mirrors.
The caretaker smiled. The girls departed. And there were no more lipstick kisses on the mirrors.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

As I regularly do, I was flicking through random pages on Wikipedia and came across this. I enjoy watching Japanese films online because of their strangeness…but I think this is going a bit too far!

Tamakeri (lit. ball kicking) is a sexual fetish and subgenre of pornography in Japan. In tamakeri pornography, a female kicks a man in the testicles. Some tamakeri fetishists report that they prefer to witness kicks that resound with a hearty slap. Pornographic tamakeri videos cater to masochistic men for whom the idea of getting their testicles kicked is sexually stimulating, at least in fantasy.

Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.

Leif Harry Ersland wanted to return a nail gun he borrowed, so he sent a text message to the owner saying "the gun is on the cabin steps."
It didn't take long for the police to turn up at his door, demanding to know whether Ersland was interested in weapons or had any enemies, the Haugesunds Avis newspaper reported Wednesday.
It turned out that Ersland had punched the wrong phone number. Instead of the message going to the nail gun's owner, it went to a stranger, who called the police early Tuesday because she was suspicious about a possible gun deal.
Ersland was not home when the police arrived. His cohabitant, Hilde Pedersen, who knew nothing about the text message, told the newspaper she faced a confusing 45 minutes of intense interrogation.
"I was shocked to see them," Pedersen was quoted as saying. "I became even more shocked when I learned what they wanted. ... It was very unpleasant."
She said about a half-hour after the police left, they called her to say that the whole thing had been a misunderstanding about a message gone astray.

Until I read the bit about the text message being sent to a wrong number I was worried that the police were somehow continually monitoring all telephone messages.

An energy company threatened to take a Manchester man to court - over an "unpaid" bill for £0.00p.

Dave Abrams, of Wythenshawe, was astonished when he received the letter from Powergen, reports The Daily Mirror.

Mr Abrams, who is in his 50s and lives alone, switched energy providers from Powergen to npower several months ago.

He heard nothing from Powergen until the legal warning notice came through the door.

The letter, dated October 19, warned Mr Abrams he owed the company £0.00 for gas and electricity and said if he did not pay up he would be visited by a debt collection agency.

It added that he could also be taken to court and, as a result, may find it difficult to obtain credit in future.

Mr Abrams said: "I was a bit nonplussed when I received the letter. I couldn't understand why they'd sent it, as I was on a pre-pay meter."

Powergen confirmed the letter had been sent out in error - but said Mr Abrams actually owed the company £502 after paying too little for his energy when the price went up.

But a spokeswoman said: "We have now withdrawn the balance because we made the mistake by not calibrating Mr Abrams' meter."

A German motorist plunged 23ft from a flyover after attempting to relieve himself in the dark.

Heinrich Mannhaim, 34, fell off the A 20 bridge at Neukloster in northern Germany after getting caught short in a traffic jam.

He suffered mild concussion and was treated for shock

Mary was telling her friends about her new apartment. "It's fantastic," she said, "I can lie in bed and watch the sun rise."
"So what," replied her friend Joan, "in my apartment, I can sit on a chair and watch the kitchen sink."

As is obvious from my previous two posts, I enjoy puns; well, my sister in Adelaide has just sent me a very funny link.

This is it. www.metacafe.com/watch/117939/italian_cork_soakers/

Stamp it out!

A lad of twelve was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away."
"Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."

Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.
Storekeeper: Sheer?
Customer: No, she's at home.

Swiss police were called out to wake up a pensioner who fell asleep behind the wheel of his car while he waited at a red light.

Urs Maurer, 78, had stopped his car at traffic lights in Bottmingen but fell asleep as he waited for them to change to green.

Drivers behind him blowing their horns and banging on his window were unable to wake him and eventually called out police who managed to open his car doors.

He told officers he had just eaten a big lunch and had felt sleepy as he came to the traffic lights.

He has had his licence confiscated while police investigate.

A new hotel employee was asked to clean the elevators and report back to the supervisor when the task was completed. When the employee failed to appear at the end of the day the supervisor assumed that like many others he had simply not liked the job and left. However, after four days the supervisor bumped into the new employee. He was cleaning in one of the elevators. "You surely haven't been cleaning these elevators for four days, have you?" asked the supervisor, accusingly. "Yes sir," said the employee, "This is a big job and I've not finished yet - do you realise there are over forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes they are not even there...?"

Well...no-one showed up for the first session of the writers' group; I'm not surprised, or disappointed though. It needs publicising more widely across the borough.

It wasn't a wasted journey though; I had an interesting conversation with the volunteer co-ordinator about some other projects I'd like to be involved with; a drama group, an art group and a walking club.

A German village is building a foot-high wall around its boundary - to keep out millipedes.

Obereichstaett in Bavaria has been plagued by thousands of millipedes every autumn for centuries, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Residents say the unwelcome invaders turn their streets, gardens and homes into something from a horror film.

Bernhard Koderer, 45, who lives with his wife and two children, said: "Last year was the worst so far. The road to my house was completely covered.

"You couldn't take a step without crushing a dozen underfoot. The smell was disgusting."

Hans Harrer, the mayor, said: "We have tried a complete blackout on street lamps in the autumn. But switching them off was not the solution."

Zoologists called in to advise were unable to tell the inhabitants where the millipedes - Megaphyllum unilineatum - came from, and instead helped design a metal-lined wall with an overhanging lip.

Poison was not a solution because so much would be needed.

Now, the creatures can instead be seen in their thousands crawling around the wall every night.

The problem is far from new: in the autumn of 1900, trains in the vicinity ground to a halt when millipedes on the tracks prevented their wheels from gripping.

A mechanical engineer, a systems engineer, and a software engineer are in a car driving down a steep mountain road when the brakes fail. The driver desperately pumps the brake pedal, trying to control the speeding vehicle around cliff-edge bends, while the passengers do their best not to panic. As the car hurtles towards an impossible corner the driver spots an escape route into a hedge and a haystack beyond, where the car eventually grinds to a surprisingly safe stop. The three engineers all get out, shaken, relieved, and take turns to assess the situation.
'Hmm,' says the mechanical engineer, 'It looks like a brake line was leaking - let's repair the split, bleed the brakes, and we should be able to get on our way..."
The systems engineer thinks for a while and says, 'Maybe we need to contact the manufacturer and the dealer to confirm exactly what the problem is..."
The software engineer slowly climbs into the driver's seat and, gesturing for the others to join him, says, 'How about we get back on the road and see if it happens again?..'

A butcher, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be £6.35," he told the customer.
"That's a good price, but it really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again.
"This one," he said faintly, " will be £6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision...
"I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"

From The Times:

It must have seemed such a simple wheeze to Gordon Brown: a motto to capture what makes Britain great. The idea ticks so many boxes on the Prime Minister’s to-do list that it proved irresistible to him.
A motto would be new, but could convey tradition. Choosing it means consulting people, the kind of participatory democracy that rebuilds trust in politics. And then there is the unstated post-devolution awkwardness of having a Scot as Prime Minister. The motto can highlight Britishness, what unites rather than what divides us. How clever! How British!
However, before the wording of Mr Brown’s motto has even been agreed, let alone embossed on letterheads and passports, the public seems to have rumbled him.

My favourite suggested by Times readers, by a long way is:

Dipso, fatso, bingo, asbo, Tesco.

A bank had introduced a charge to be levied when people paid in money to be credited to an account held by a different bank. The charge was 50p and had been in force for about 6 months or so. A well to do, upper-class lady enters the bank and presents the cashier a cheque (check) which she asks to be paid into an account held by a different bank. The cashier duly tells the lady that there will be a charge of 50p. Indignantly, she tells him, "I wasn't charged the last time."
To which the cashier immediately replies, "Well that will be a Pound then..."

I've just been looking through the material for the workshop exercises I'll be using in tomorrow's writers' group that I'll be leading. I don't know how many people will show up, or what their interests or talents are likely to be; so I need to be flexible. Starting up the group only a few weeks before Christmas isn't the best timing; but the room is available and the publicity has been done - if things are a bit quiet, we can always have a re-launch in the new year.

Three statisticians went hunting in the woods. Before long, one of them pointed to a plump pigeon in a tree, and the three of them stopped and took aim. The first fired, missing the bird by a couple of inches to the left. Immediately afterwards the second fired, but also missed, a couple of inches to the right. The third put down his gun exclaiming, "Great shooting lads, on average I reckon we got it..."

A veteran Austrian burglar was acquitted after a court agreed he was too experienced to have committed the crime was accused of.

Ernst Stummer, 69, was charged with breaking into a shop in Vienna and stealing £600 worth of goods after police found his DNA on a pair of pliers left at the scene.

But lawyers for Stummer, who has 18 previous convictions for burglary, persuaded the court that it was too poor a burglary to be the work of their client.

Roland Friis, Stummer's lawyer, said: "He is experienced enough to never break into a building secured by an alarm.

"Also, no halfway reasonable burglar would use such needle nose pliers for a job, and my client would have surely worn gloves. In fact it is almost an insult to accuse him of such a dilettante approach."

Stummer said: "The pliers are probably mine but I have a lot of pliers and a lot of tools which I sometimes lend to not very reliable people. I think someone committed the crime using my pliers - but it wasn't me."

World chessboxing champ crowned

A German policeman has been crowned world champion of the hybrid sport of chessboxing.

Bouts are composed of a maximum of 11 alternating rounds of chess and boxing, reports the Daily Telegraph.

After parrying American David 'Double D' Depto's punches, Frank Stoldt clinched the light-heavyweight title with a checkmate in the seventh round.

The match was fought in front of 1,200 raucous fans in Berlin in what is being touted as the ultimate in physical and mental combat.

The bout was organised by the World Chess Boxing Organisation which has the slogan: "Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board."

The rules of the game are simple. Checkmates or knock-outs result in instant victory. Fighters also triumph if the boxing match is stopped by the referee, or if their opponent times-out at the chess board.

If there is no winner after 11 rounds of punching and castling, victory is awarded to the fighter with the most points in the boxing ring.

The sport has already developed a strong following in central and eastern Europe, and the WCBO plans to expand its appeal next year with exhibition events in Los Angeles, Paris, Prague, Zurich and Moscow.

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like sh*t.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable bill. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

Apparently this joke caused a lot of controversy in America and was banned in many places.

Everyone knows the pecking order in a family has everything to do with age. The oldest sibling usually rules the roost. But what if you get cheated out of the title because of Daylight Saving Time?
Peter Sullivan Cirioli was dubbed "Baby A" at WakeMed Cary when he arrived early Sunday morning.

“Yes, Peter was born first, it was at 1:32 a.m.,” mother Laura Cirioli said.

Thirty-four minutes later, Peter's twin sister, Allison Raye Cirioli, known as "Baby B," made her entrance into the world.

Because of Daylight Saving Time, Allison's time of birth was 1:06 a.m., which makes her 26 minutes older than her brother even though he was born first.

“We just never even thought about it until after he was born and then we realized it was going to happen. It was really kind of amazing,” Laura Cirioli said.
The proud mother and father said they don't really care who was born first, they are just glad to have two healthy babies. They do suspect the daylight savings predicament will be fodder for sibling rivalry.

“We'll let them work that out between themselves. I don't want to get into the middle of it,” Jason Cirioli said.
Peter and Allison were expected to leave the hospital Tuesday night.

Some recent films I've been watching online [I can't remember the titles though]. I've really enjoyed all of these, mainly because of their strangeness I suppose.

A science-fiction film set entirely in a log-cabin. No aliens, no spaceships, no time travel, no special effects - just half a dozen people talking.

A Korean science-fiction film where a giant walking mutant fish monster attacks and kidnaps the daughter of a narcoleptic shopkeeper.

A very strange Korean film [I do remember the title of this though, it's called, 'Save The Green Planet'] about an eccentric office worker who thinks that the head of the large company is actually an alien; so he kidnaps him and tortures him.

A Japanese film about a haunted train.

A Japanese film about a magical notebook whereby if you write down someone's name in it they will die.

A Korean film about a serial killer who only attacks every four years, on February 29th.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was getting on in years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital. As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through the window at a newborn.
"Is that your child?" said the nun.
"Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning," said the man.
"Are you Catholic, young man?"
"Yes, sister."
"How many children do you have?"
"This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more."
"Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall remember you in my prayers."
"Thank you sister," said the man.
Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.
"Is that your child, young man."
"Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her."
"Are you Catholic, young man?"
"No sister, I am not."
"How many children do you have?"
"This is our ninth child."
The nun was shocked and gasped, "Sex maniac."

Seen at a local auto mechanic's shop:
SHOP RATES
Basic labor rate $40 / hour
If you wait . . . $60 / hour
If you watch . . $80 / hour
If you help . . .$100 / hour
If you laugh . .$140 / hour

Although I found this posted on a humour site, I think there's a lot of logic in this pricing tariff.

A LOTTERY scratchcard has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn't understand it.

The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won.

To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.

But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.

Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards.

The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a maths GCSE, said: "On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't.

"I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it.

"I think Camelot are giving people the wrong impression - the card doesn't say to look for a colder or warmer temperature, it says to look for a higher or lower number. Six is a lower number than 8. Imagine how many people have been misled."

A Camelot spokeswoman said the game was withdrawn after reports that some players had not understood the concept.

She said: "The instructions for playing the Cool Cash scratchcard are clear - and are printed on each individual card and in the game procedures available at each retailer. However, because of the potential for player confusion we have decided to withdraw the game."

More than 15m adults in Britain have poor numeracy - the equivalent of a G or below at GCSE maths

Almost three times as many UK adults (15.1m) have poor numeracy - the equivalent of a G or below at GCSE maths - than with poor literacy skills, according to the government's Skills for Life survey.

Peter Hall, of the Association of Teachers of Mathematics, said: "The concept of minus numbers is something we would cover with 11 or 12 year olds, and we would expect them to have come across it before.

"The concept of smaller numbers is something that some people do seem to struggle with. Seven is clearly smaller than eight, so they focus on that and don't really see the minus sign. There is also a subtle difference in language between smaller - or lower - and colder. The number zero feels lower.

"There have always been some people who find numbers and basic mathematics difficult. Maybe in the past it was less noticeable because people could find jobs they could excel in without having qualifications in maths."

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I seriously doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said,
"My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said,
"That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said,
"Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said,
"My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only "fasten eight"

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses rushed into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said,

"I guess she choked."

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Here's a list of English icons that I've found...I notice that only three of them specifically refer to Yorkshire though; roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, York Minster, and Robin Hood (who, although associated with Sherwood Forest and Nottingham was actually a Yorkshireman - the Earl of Loxle.)

Alice In Wonderland
The Angel of the North
The Archers
Big Ben
Blackpool Tower
The Bobby
Bonfire Night
Bowler Hat
Brick Lane
Cheddar Cheese
Cricket
A Cup of Tea
Doctor Who
The Domesday Book
Eden Project
The FA Cup
Fish and chips
Fox-hunting and the Ban
Globe Theatre
Hadrian's Wall
The Hay Wain
Hedges
HMS Victory
Holbein's Henry VIII
The Iron Bridge
Jerusalem
The King James Bible
The Lake District
Lindisfarne Gospels
Magna Carta
The Mini
Miniskirt
Monty Python
Morris Dancing
Mrs Beeton's Book Of Household Management
Narrowboats on Canals
Notting Hill Carnival
Oak Tree
The Origin Of Species
Oxbridge
The Oxford English Dictionary
Parish Church
The Peak District
The Phone Box
The Pint
Pride And Prejudice
The Pub
Punch and Judy
Queen's Head Stamp
Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding
The Robin
Robin Hood
Rolls-Royce
The Rose
The Routemaster Bus
Rugby
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Sherlock Holmes
The Spitfire
SS Empire Windrush
St George's Flag
Stiff Upper Lip
Stonehenge
Sutton Hoo Helmet
The Thames
Tower of London
The Tube Map
The V-sign
The Weather
Westminster Abbey
White Cliffs of Dover
Wimbledon
Winnie-the-Pooh
York Minster

A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujiah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine
was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad
leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming
south was this heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and we both took
cover in the ditches on opposite sides of the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag, and
he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk.

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does
Hillary Clinton!' And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking
hands, when a truck hit us."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

A US woman is suing her dentist who she claims nearly drilled her eye while dancing to the disco classic Car Wash.

Brandy Fanning, 31, claims George Trusty was dancing to Rose Royce's 1976 hit when his drill slipped, reports the Syracuse Post-Standard.

The inch-long bit punctured her sinus cavity, lodging by her eye socket at the Syracuse Community Health Centre.

She is suing Trusty, 57, for £300,000 in New York, saying he failed to honour a promise to pay her medical bills.

Ms Fanning underwent emergency surgery after Dr Trusty was unable to remove the bit, her lawyer, Joseph Cote III, said. Trusty would not comment.

Fanning had gone to the emergency dental clinic in October 2004 after pain in a molar worsened.

Dr Trusty gave her novocaine and while he was drilling the molar, she heard a snap.

The lawsuit said, Dr Trusty was "performing rhythmical steps and movements to the song Car Wash which was on the radio".

When Debbie Parkhurst choked on a piece of apple at her Maryland home, her dog jumped in, landing hard on her chest and forcing the morsel to pop out of her throat. When the Keesling family of Indiana was about to be overcome by carbon monoxide, their cat clawed at wife Cathy's hair until she woke up and called for help.
For their nick-of-time acts, Toby, a 2 1/2-year-old golden retriever, and Winnie, a gray-eyed American shorthair, were named Dog and Cat of the Year by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

A US holidaymaker got a nasty surprise when he discovered the lumps on his scalp were live maggots.

Aaron Dallas, from Colorado, US, sought medical advice when the bumps appeared on his scalp after a trip to Belize.

But it was not until the bumps started moving that doctors realised Dallas had five live botfly maggots inside his head, reports Sky News.

"I'd put my hand back there and feel them moving. I thought it was blood coursing through my head," said Dallas.

"I could hear them. I actually thought I was going crazy."

Adult bot flies are larger and more aggressive than European flies. One type attacks livestock, deer and humans.

They rely on mosquitoes, stable flies, and other insects to carry their eggs to a host, which in this case was Dallas.

"It was weird and traumatic," said Dallas. "I would get this pain that would drop me to my knees."

I used to have to regularly walk past a maggot farm, and no matter which way the wind was blowing I could always smell it from several hundred yards away.

A man and his new wife go to the Hilton Hotel for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards." The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six litres of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me, can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, " I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

When Top management get together they discuss golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the chemist.

"Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

A while ago, the Washington Post asked readers to recount historic events in two-line couplets or some other short and funny way.

44 B.C.:
"Beware the ides of March," 'twas warned, or so goes ancient ballad;
But Caesar heard it not, and so they turned him into salad.

1502-1504:
Stylish Michelangelo carved David in the nude.
While Leo's Mona Lisa watched in smiling gratitude.

1588:
The Spanish fleet wasn't.

1836:
Though Jim Bowie showed cojones,
Santa Ana had more ponies.

2004:
Secret detentions, wiretaps aplenty:
Orwell was off by only twenty.

I went to a Bonfire Night party last night and someone lit a rocket that failed to launch. A few seconds later it exploded; I was standing about twenty feet away and certainly felt the shockwave - it forced me to take a couple of steps backwards. It was a good night though; plenty of food; hot stew, jacket potatoes, baked apples and parkin...and the weather was so mild it could have been August.

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Tourism officials have been slammed for featuring an axe wielding serial killer on a children's Christmas advent calendar.

They defended the move by saying mass murderer Fritz Haarmann was part of the German city of Hanover's history.

The calendar is already on sale at tourism offices and shows children singing Xmas carols and laughing as Santa hands out Xmas gifts - and the Star of Bethlehem twinkles over the rooftops.

But over the first door of the calendar, a trilby wearing man peaks out from behind a tree with a meat cleaver in his left hand.

Haarmann killed 24 young men by chopping up their corpses and dumping their remains in the local river Leine. He appears on the calendar hiding behind a tree on the banks of the river.

Haarmann stalked the city more than 80 years ago and his victims were aged between 13 and 20. He was sentenced to death and beheaded in 1925.

Head of the Hanover tourism board, Hans-Christian Nolte, has defended the calendar, saying: "He is part of our city's history. Even on guided tours the serial killer's story is told."

An Italian investigation into a series of unexplained fires in fridges, televisions and mobile phone is blaming aliens.

It concluded that the responsibility for the fires in Canneto di Caronia on Sicily may lie with "aliens testing secret weapons".

The village was the centre of world attention three years ago after residents reported everyday household objects bursting into flames.

Dozens of experts including scientists, electrical engineers and military experts, arrived in the village to investigate. One scientist reported seeing an unplugged electrical cable burst into flames.

Arson was ruled out while locals blamed supernatural forces and the Vatican's chief exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth suggested it was Satan's work.

The report, by the Civil Protection Department, was ordered by the Italian government and brought together dozens of experts including a NASA scientist.

According to leaked copies, the fires were "caused by high -power electromagnetic emissions which were not man-made and reached a power of between 12 and 15 gigawatts".

The report details a possible UFO landing close to the village after "burnt imprints which have not been explained were found in a field".

Francesco Mantegna Venerando, Sicily's Civil Protection chief who co-ordinated the report, said: "We are not saying little green men from Mars started the fires, but that unnatural forces capable of creating a large amount of electromagnetic energy were responsible.

"This is just one possibility. We are also looking at another one which involves the testing of top-secret weapons by an unknown power which are also capable of producing an enormous amount of energy."

There is a town in Maryland called Accident. It sits on a major state highway linking western Maryland with the rest of the state. On the approach to the town is a road sign that doubles as a warning and is always true, no matter what the traffic condition. The sign says: ACCIDENT AHEAD

Manufacturers are hoping their range of cuddly toy versions of microbes including gonorrhea and syphilis will be a hit for Christmas.

US company Giant Microbes has turned microscopic images of viruses and bugs, which also include malaria and mad cow disease, into soft toys.

Other viruses to cuddle up to include salmonella, ebola, acne, rabies, black death and the good old influenza virus, reports Metro.

Each 5-to-7 inch doll is accompanied by an image of the real microbe it represents, as well as information about the microbe.

They were intended as learning tools for children but have proved popular with adults looking for amusing gifts for partners and friends.

The sales blurb about the Ebola toy says: "Since its discovery in 1976 Ebola has become the T Rex of microbes. Share the love."

And, of the algae toy, it says: "Anyone for a pool party? Theses guys are always ready to show up. Learn who you're swimming with before you dive in."

The toys are on sale from £4 for one or £20 for a set.

My digibox flashed up a message on the TV screen yesterday that there's a new channel it's located; Gems TV, yet another shopping channel, to add to the existing four we've got already…not really what free-to-air digital TV should consist of.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
is the fear of long words.

Clinophobia
is the fear of beds.

Paedophobia
is a fear of children.

Automatonophobia
is a fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsely represents a sentient being.

Hypnophobia
is a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep.

Lyssophobia
is a morbid fear of insanity.

Phobatrivaphobia
is a fear of trivia about phobias

Dromophobia
is a fear of crossing the road

Unatractiphobia
is a fear of ugly people.

Arachibutyrophobia
is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

A three-year-old boy who put a traffic cone on his head so he could look like Harry Potter had to be cut free by firemen.

Charlie Thomas was playing with his sisters while on a family day out and came across the cone.

He thought the traffic cone looked like Harry Potter's wizard hat and plonked it on his head.

When he showed parents Louisa and Martin they realised the cone was jammed tight, reports The Sun.

Louisa, 34, and car sprayer Martin, 36, of Cullompton, Devon tried to ease him free with soap but the cone wouldn't move.

She called the fire brigade who took half an hour to remove the cone with cutting tools and pliers.

Louisa said: "Charlie loves Harry and when he put the cone on he was so pleased with himself. But when we couldn't get it off, it was a bit scary.

"We shouldn't have laughed but he looked so comical, even though he was upset.

"The firemen got him out by pouring water down the cone and cutting the rim. He looks sorry for himself in the photo and won't thank me when he sees it in future."