Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

I need to report this.

Doncaster town centre has been taken over by an invading army of zombie prams and pushchairs. They're everywhere; and they've even eaten all of the mobility scooters.

I think they've now got a taste for flesh and blood.
I'm currently nursing two bruises - I think I've had a lucky escape!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager

thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured

to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds'

must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in

my

account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the

automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,

has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended

for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my

account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused

me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to

contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,

pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,

I,

like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally

and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be

aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to

open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status

which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to

eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your

bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies

of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and

the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,

assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than

28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses

required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later

date

to

the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While

this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

will

play

for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

HARD-DISK Girl:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girl:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girl:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girl:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girl:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girl:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girl:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girl:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL Girl:
Out of every ten things she says, nine are nonsense.

VIRUS Girl:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

What's the worst thing about living alone?

'No-one to scratch my back.'

'Cooking and eating alone.'

'Sleeping alone.'

'No-one to comment on the quality of your farting.'

'The cost of batteries.'

'The gnawing sense of futility that haunts your every waking hour as you contemplate the grim thought that, were you to die on the sofa, your decaying body would remain undiscovered for months until eventually, after the neighbours have complained about the smell, the police break into your house and uncover your rotting corpse still upright on the sofa in front of a TV blaring out "Cash In The Attic" while rats and maggots gnaw at your entrails.'