Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

A schoolboy team set a new FA record when every player in the 12-man squad scored in a 24-0 victory.

Even the keeper got a hat-trick as the lads switched positions, reports the Daily Mirror.

The FA confirmed: "The most scorers we have on record is from an FA Cup game in 1887, when Preston North End beat Hyde United 26-0. There were eight different scorers."

That means the record now goes to Bridlington Rangers Blue U13s following their victory over Hutton Cranswick United in the Hull Boys Sunday League.

The ball was seldom in their half and they were 14-0 up at the break.

Bridlington manager Ian Steward said: "From the start we dominated and the goals just kept coming.

"Whenever the goalkeeper kicked out the ball, one of our players managed to snaffle it. The defence had very little to do so at half-time we brought our keeper out and changed a few other positions."

The boys have been playing together since they were Under-7s and are now brimming with confidence as they climbed to third in their league.

Mr Steward added: "It has been known for one or two of our players to give up when losing 3-0.

"So the real winners had to be Cranswick for sheer determination and team spirit. Lesser teams would have packed up and gone home at half-time."

Pensioner faces jail over pink house

An Italian pensioner is facing five years in jail - for painting his house pink.

Giuliani Contadino, 75, had broken the law because his house is in the Cinque Terre national park - a UNESCO world heritage site.

Contadino said: "Some policemen came to tell me what I had done wrong. I told them they could help me repaint it if it was such a problem."

I've been considering this since Monday when I had to sign on at the jobcentre. Despite the fact that it was the very day that the government was promoting its new 'get tough' policy to reduce the number of people claiming Incapacity Benefit [long-term Sickness Benefit], I was being bullied yet again to actually start claiming Sickness Benefit. There's nothing in it for me though; I don't receive any more money and have to put in a new claim for Housing Benefit, which pisses off my landlord because of the forms he has to fill in.

The women who work at the jobcentre only do it so that they won't have to deal with me, and my name won't be appearing on the unemployed register...so the government will also be satisfied with the outcome.

But...I'm not doing it!!!

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra is coming to Britain.

The ensemble, which performs on instruments made of fresh vegetables, will play at the Huddersfield Contemporary Music Festival.

The 11-strong group carve their produce before every show, using celeriac bongos, carrot recorders and the multi-vegetable 'cucumberphone'.

They play a range of music from contemporary to house, jazz to classical, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Performances promise to "appeal to all the senses", and the audience is usually offered fresh vegetable soup made from the instruments after shows.

But hungry fans in Huddersfield will be disappointed - health and safety regulations mean soup is banned - even without the parts the orchestra have blown on.

Nicklaus Gansterer, co-founder of the orchestra, explained how it all began: "We got the idea one day while we were cooking and chopping tomatoes.

"We got fascinated with the sound the chopping made, and from that moment we have started to hear music in a new way."