Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Firemen rescue Santa

An abseiling Father Christmas had to be rescued by firemen after his stick-on beard became caught on his rope.

Santa was left stranded 30ft above the ground after his dramatic arrival at a Texas shopping centre, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Children gathered below watched in tears as he struggled to free himself, but his efforts only resulted in his red hat falling to earth.

Eventually he was thrown a pair of scissors and cut his beard free. But he was still unable to resume his descent, and the fire brigade was called.

The red-faced Father Christmas was finally led down on one of the brigade's telescopic ladders.

He had been asked to abseil down an 80ft advertising hoarding as the shopping centre had no chimneys down which he could make a more traditional descent.

So, at this very moment, the board of the F.A. is discussing Steve McClaren's future - after last night's pathetic performance by the England team there is no way he can stay in post. Of course, he'll receive a pay-off of several million Pounds...payment for failure: has the man got no shame?

Of course he's not the only one, we seem to have a culture of paying people who fail in England; the managing director of the failed bank Northern Rock, and the head of Her Majesty's Customs and Revenue [which has lost the confidential data of 25 million people] are both expected to receive multi-million Pounds 'retirement' packages.

As for the England manager's job, my choice would be Jose Mourinho, the former manager of Chelsea - but I don't think he'll even apply because he knows he wouldn't be successful: he's far too honest and straightforward [and undiplomatic] to even be considered.

Of course, the problems with English football go far deeper than just the poor performance of the international team on the pitch; there is too much money slushing around, too many foreign mercenaries playing at all levels in the game, too many hangers-on and a total disconnect with the working class supporters who are the lifeblood of the sport.

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.

After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- " "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- " "Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."