Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Watson: "Holmes! What kind of rock is this?"
Holmes: "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."

A boat race was held between the BBC and a Japanese crew. Both sides practised long and hard and the Japanese won by a mile. So the Director General of the BBC did what any manager would do: he set up a working party to find out why. The working party reported that the Japanese had seven people rowing and one steering and that the BBC had seven people steering and one rowing. So, faced with a crisis of that magnitude he appointed management consultants. That’s the only thing you can do.

The management consultants, who cost a million pounds, reported and they confirmed the diagnosis of the working party but they suggested that the BBC crew be completely restructured: three assistant steering managers; three deputy steering managers; a director of steering services and the rower should be given an incentive to row harder.

They had another race and this time the Japanese won by two miles. So they laid off the rower for poor performance and they sold the boat and used it for a higher than average pay award for the director of steering services.

I blogged a few days ago about how I first got interested in listening to shortwave radio broadcasts. Well, I was a teenager at the time, and I often used to wonder about the two phrases 'overnight broadcasts' and 'nocturnal emissions' and their different meanings in English. Why don't they mean the same?

I was growing up in a pit village and there wasn't anything else to do with my time.

On my way home from the shops this morning I found a farthing. It was lying on the footpath next to a grassy area; it could well have been dislodged by the heavy rain we've had for the last few days. It dates from 1944 and is in surprisingly good condition.

I was born in 1962 and remember the pre-decimal coinage. I don't remember the farthing though, I think it was withdrawn from circulation a few years before decimalisation in 1971.

I do recall the halfpenny, penny, threepenny bit, silver sixpence, Shilling and two Shilling coins though; also the blue ten Shilling note.

I can also remember the changeover period, beginning when the headmaster of my junior school told us that we'd have to stop learning about Pounds, Shillings and Pence and start learning all about the decimal system instead.

The next thing I can recall is a series of TV adverts, conversion charts being displayed in shops and people complaning that all the prices were being rounded up and adding to the cost of living.

I hope we never have to join the Euro; I've had enough change for one lifetime.

[Of course, not only was our money changed in 1971, but two years later most of our counties were changed - and Yorkshire was destroyed...and yet the bureaucrats in Brussels, after all these years, are still trying to force metrication down our throats]

In early October 2007, a major research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Eurotium."

Eurotium (Eu) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called "morons" which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called "peons".

Since Eu has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Eu causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Eu has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Eurotium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes". This characteristic of moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Eu is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

When catalysed with money, Eu becomes "Administratium" (Am) – an element that radiates just as much energy as Eu, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

For the last three times I've bought a two pint carton of milk the price has been increased by 2p, taking the price up from 70p to 76p. Six months ago I could buy a can of baked beans for 13p, now the cheapest is 20p. My electricity bills are going through the roof, and the cost of most of my food has increased disproportionately; yet we're informed by Her Majesty's Government that the rate of inflation is only 2%. It might only be 2% if you're wealthy, bearing in mind that the cost of your expensive consumer goods are coming down in price and you're able to employ even cheaper foreign labour, but if you're poor, the rate of inflation is more like 10%.

Gordon Brown, you don't fool me.

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me."

A computer repair shop got a call from a customer. She said that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the engineer concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at the shop with the power cord in her hand…

Here's something I've just realised.

I was in the town centre a few minutes ago and noticed the postman delivering his letters just after nine o'clock; as he does every morning. Then, for the first time, I realised that most shops don't actually have a letterbox and so the Royal Mail can't start delivering letters in the town centre until the shops open at nine o'clock. The service seems to be pretty prompt though with the rounds starting as soon as possible.

I then got around to thinking about people who live in the town centre in flats above shops and thought it would be inconvenient that they would have to wait for their post to be delivered; I then realised though, that although I live in a residential area only about a five minute walk from the town centre, my mail never arrives before 10:30 in the morning.

I know someone who will eat whilst sitting on the toilet. I couldn't do this, and haven't done it; I've never been that short of time.

A couple of years ago I was prescribed glasses by the optician because I have worsening vision in my left eye due to my squint. I hardly wear them though because when I do, I tend to feel dizzy and sick. I've got excellent vision in my right eye, my good eye, and so tend not to feel there's any major problem. I've been wearing them a bit more recently however, mainly because they keep my eyes warm and prevent them from watering in the cold weather...and protect my eyes from being poked out by umbrella tips.

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F
3. 'Spread Eagle' is an extinct bird. T F
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F
6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F
7. Semen is another word for 'sailor'. T F
8. Anus is the Latin word for 'yearly'. T F
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F
14. Fetus is a character on 'Gunsmoke'. T F
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F
16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir in church. T F
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. T F
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F
25. Douche is the Italian word for 'twelve'. T F
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

An idiot's guide has been produced for people who have forgotten how to catch a bus.
Stagecoach say they created the manual because people are now so reliant on cars.
The guide begins reassuringly with: "Using the bus could not be easier."
Passengers should "first of all decide on what bus you need" and once the right bus has been spotted, with the "number and destination on the front", one should then "signal for the driver to stop".
The guide continues: "Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.
"When you want to get off, press the bell once. For your safety we recommend you remain seated until the bus has arrived at the stop."
A spokesman for Stagecoach said research had shown many members of the public no longer knew how to use public transport.
Steven Stewart said: "If we look back 30 or 40 years, catching a bus was part of our daily routine from when we were children.
"Our guide is not designed to be patronising, it's just answering questions that cause fear and uncertainty when people are thinking of getting a bus."

Two men on a motorcycle grabbed a housewife, pulled out a machete and cut off the hair she had been growing for two decades, police in northeastern Brazil said Thursday.
The woman, whose name was not released, told police she was walking to church when she was assaulted late Tuesday, police officer Antonio Williams da Silva said by telephone from the northeastern city of Aracaju.
"She was an evangelical and said she hadn't cut her hair for 20 years," da Silva said. "It must have been nearly a meter and half (more than four feet) long."
The robbers cut the woman's hair above her shoulders, he said, apparently with the idea of selling it to be fashioned into a wig.
"A hairpiece that size could cost you as much as $555," da Silva said.
The woman filed a complaint with police and said she had received anonymous threats. She was not injured, but her assailants could be charged with battery if caught.
Da Silva said it was the second recent case of hair robbery in Aracaju.
Similar attacks have occurred in other Brazilian cities, where the demand for human hair is high.

There's a live football match on the TV this lunchtime; Mansfield Town versus Middlesborough in the fourth round of the FA Cup.

As a Yorkshireman I'll be supporting Middlesborough, because Middlesborough is in Yorkshire.

As an Englishman I'll be supporting Mansfield Town because the team plays in a lower league.

As a Doncastrian I'll also be supporting Mansfield because it's nearer to Doncaster and I've visited the town - I've never been to Middlesborough.

So, unless the score is a boring 0-0 draw I'll be happy with the result, whichever team wins.

How would you feel and what would do you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add any more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the truck
FLOPPY DISC: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
RAM: That thing that splits the firewood
HARD DRIVE: Getting home during the winter
PROMPT: What the Royal Mail isn't during the winter
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
BYTE: What those damn flies do
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields
LAP TOP: Where the cat sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys for the tractor
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

If you're in a long-term relationship that's gone stale, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed….then, go and have sex with someone else

An MP has very nearly talked himself into supporting today's "Perverts Wear Purple" day - by accident.

Exactly what is a fetish...?!?
And it could hardly have happened to a less likely politician: Ronnie Campbell, one of the most down-to-earth and decent men in the Commons.
The 64-year-old former miner and Labour Member of Parliament for Blyth Valley was approached and asked to wear something purple to support National Fetish Day. He said he would wear a purple shirt.
Unfortunately, no one had told Ronnie what the word "fetish" means.

He thought it meant "worry", rather than indulging in kinky/unusual sexual activities, often involving rubber, bondage, sado-masochism and the rest (assuming there's more!).
When local newspaper explained this to poor Ronnie, he said he thought the word meant: "Worry, like worrying about backing the wrong horse."

Mr Campbell had 'a fetish for horses'
"Oh my God Almighty, my God, is that what a fetish is?" the astonished and no doubt highly-embarrassed MP exclaimed.
Before being told what the word means, Mr Campbell was asked if he had any fetishes.
Thinking it meant worries or concerns, he said: "I must have a thousand but, hand on heart, I couldn't tell which is the most important one. Probably the horses."

I've just been chipping away a build-up of ice in my freezer and got around to thinking about the following three facts:

1…In the UK you need to attend a burns unit at the hospital if you are suffering from frostbite.

2…Hearing tests are done on the premises of opticians.

3…Keys are cut by cobblers.

What do these observations mean about the times and society we are living in?

A butcher saw a lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him, "Andrew, what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?
The lawyer replied, "Why? Of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it!"
The butcher then said, "If that's so, now you owe me $15 because it's your dog."
The lawyer responded, "Very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here."

In the next street there's a house where an elderly and dignified cat lives. Almost every time I pass the house the cat is contentedly asleep or sitting in the windowsill watching the world go by.

This morning the cat wasn't in its usual place and the window was cracked where someone must have thrown a stone at it.

I can't make my mind up about whoever did this; is he cruel, or is he just stupid?

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a confectionery bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mum bought each one of them a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" asked Billy.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

I've just been to see 'Aliens vs Predators: Requiem' at the cinema - it's cheaper on a Tuesday. I normally go to the pictures with my brother but he's been sent on a training scheme at Barnsley by the local jobcentre. For the next three months yet again he'll have to persuade the organisers that he's stupid by pretending that he doesn't know how to write a letter, produce a CV, fill in an application form, or use the internet. At least he'll get a free bus pass for the duration though.

I was a bit reluctant to go to the cinema because I thought my coughing might annoy people; but it didn't, there weren't that many people there, and most of them were also coughing.

And the film? Nothing special, but entertaining enough, and the effects were quite gory at times.

Officials from a town in Australia's tropical north Queensland region suggested that local golfers could try practising their drives on cane toads - an introduced species that has become a notorious pest. Animal rights defenders were not amused.

Most Saturday evenings I spend at a friend's house watching a film or two; secondhand videos bought on the market, cheap DVDs with up to 4 films on each double disk, or online downloads.

This week we found a high quality version of 'Ocean's 13' on one of our regular download sites. I thought the film was alright, very slick and quite entertaining, although the ending was a bit disappointing.

As I often do, the following day I looked at the reviews and synopsis of the film on Wikipedia or the Internet Movie Database. Well; the synopsis on Wikipedia differed in two major areas, so either the contributor to Wikipedia has misunderstood parts of the film, or I have. It's probably me though, I frequently misunderstand films, getting the plotlines and characters muddled up…maybe this makes watching films, even rubbish films, more interesting for me…I don't know.

A man shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

What a miserable start to the week:
heavy, persistent rain,
deep puddles in the town centre,
it's so dark, it's barely daylight,

and

three of the shops I needed to visit were late at opening.

The famous philosopher, Descartes, walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I don't think so" and disappears.

A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which many nodded weakly.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another continued.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," commented yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well it could be worse," said one old woman with resolute cheerfulness.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

I listen to quite a bit of internet radio, not as much as I used to because I've found other things to do online now. I started off by listening to the external services of the broadcasters I was familiar with on short-wave, but then found a portal site called 'Public Radio Fan' with links to many public broadcasters around the world. These streams are the domestic services and are completely different to their countries' relevant external services.

I first started listening to foreign radio stations as a teenager when I was trying to catch a football commentary from a local BBC station somewhere in the Midlands and instead ended up with a strong signal from Radio Moscow broadcasting in English…I was instantly hooked on the excitement of listening to something that maybe I wasn't meant to hear.

During the next few weeks I managed to locate Radio Tirana, Albania (the most boring broadcaster on the dial at the time), Deutschland Funk in Cologne, Radio Berlin International, the Voice of America via relay transmitters in Europe, Radio Sweden, Radio Finland and several others.

It was several years though until I could afford my first short-wave receiver and then the world was truly opened up to me with stations from every part of the world. Although these were exciting and exotic they were all services that I was meant to listen to, and the aerials were deliberately aimed towards Europe. Of course now, with the internet, if I want to, I can listen to a small local station from anywhere in the world without having to worry about atmospheric conditions and the sunspot cycle or where the day/night terminator is.

Contemplating a New Year tattoo in that fashionable area above the buttocks? To help you along, Australians have given them a not-so-fashionable name: "arse antlers." Want a suntan as well? You could have "tanorexia."
These are just some of the words the country's biggest online dictionary is asking people to vote for as word of the year for its latest annual update.
A "butt bra" raises the profile of the buttocks to go with your arse antlers, while "manscaping" refers to removal of body hair for men, sometimes tied to the female preoccupation with the "lady garden," or pubic zone.
"Tanorexia" refers to an obsession with a suntan, while a "salad dodger" is an obese person.
Other nominations for the Macquarie Dictionary Online include "infomania," for those who constantly put aside the job at hand to concentrate on incoming email and text messages. "Password fatigue" is frustration from having too many passwords to recall.
Casting aside the personal, someone who spreads their clothes around the house, clean or otherwise, is said to be treating the room as a "floordrobe."

When the ant Cephalotes atratus is infected with a parasitic nematode, its normally black abdomen turns red, resembling the many red berries in the tropical forest canopy. According to researchers, this is a strategy concocted by nematodes to entice birds to eat the normally unpalatable ant and spread the parasite in their droppings.

It's over a week now since I was suffering with the flu but I've still got a dry cough which just won't go away.

I was beginning to worry and so telephoned the doctor's surgery and spoke to the nurse. She re-assured me that there was nothing to be concerned about, the persistant cough is quite normal with this strain of flu.

An unusual remedy which she suggested was sucking on boiled sweets to increase the production of saliva; any boiled sweet will do - not necessarily expensive throat lozenges.

It seems to be working, my cough's a lot better.

A New York man has been locked up - for taking his snake for a walk.
Curtis Dewberry, 35, was spotted walking down a major road with the 14ft Burmese python wrapped around his body.
He was seen on Montauk Highway, Long Island, by an officer for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals who called the police.
Dewberry has been charged with animal cruelty and failure to protect the public against dangerous wildlife.
He is being held in custody. The 70lb snake will be sent to an out-of-state reptile habitat, reports Newsday.
Burmese pythons are native to Southeast Asia and need temperatures of at least 45 degrees to survive.
SPCA Capt Robert Aversano said: "The fact that he was out in the cold weather was not good for the animal," he said, adding that the snake was "resting comfortably."
A witness to the arrest said: "He was just walking by with a snake. He wasn't doing anything wrong.
"I asked him, 'Is that real?' And he said, 'Yeah.' Next thing I know, he was being arrested."

I've only ever appeared on TV once, and that was in the early days of Sky Movies when I had a very brief appearance in a student film. At the time the channel was absolutely desperate for material and would broadcast whatever programming it could find. To this day I haven't seen the film because it hasn't been shown on any mainstream channel - it probably wasn't very good.

I've been interviewed on local radio about half a dozen times, either to promote a community project that I was involved with, or when I formed my own political party and stood for election.

I've been in the national press once (a small photograph of me was even published). I was commenting on some government policy at the time.

My appearances in the local press started off with letters being published (I used the pen-name 'The Dissident'.) Later, I'd write press releases for the charity for which I was doing voluntary work, and sometimes I'd even be directly quoted.

I was still living in Thurnscoe when I became a poll tax rebel and was photographed in front of the courthouse in Barnsley with my suitcase packed and ready to go to prison. Of course it didn't happen, I was merely fined. I refused to pay the fine though and so had the money taken out of my benefit payments. I was the main story on the front page of the Barnsley Star though because of the reason that I was refusing to pay - I claimed that I lived in the Dearne Valley, and not Barnsley…I wasn't refusing to pay my poll tax; I was just refusing to pay it to Barnsley Metropolitan Borough Council. I think the journalist was also quite interested in the fact that I had applied for political asylum in Norway claiming that I was being persecuted for my beliefs and denied my basic human right to declare which town I live in…apparently the consul in Birmingham took my application seriously and sought a written guarantee that I would not be jailed, otherwise my application might well have been approved.

Later, when I formed my own political party, the 'Dearne Valley People's Party' I was photographed standing in front of the spoil heap of the local colliery…it was a rare snowy day and the picture ended up looking really spectacular. Yet again I was splashed across the front page.

I've been behaving myself though since I moved to Doncaster ten years ago.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire
ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why
did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came
back with another one."

I listen to quite a bit of internet radio, not as much as I used to because I've found other things to do online now. I started off by listening to the external services of the broadcasters I was familiar with on short-wave, but then found a portal site called Public Radio Fan with links to many public broadcasters around the world. These streams are the domestic services and are completely different to their countries' relevant external services.

I first started listening to foreign radio stations as a teenager when I was trying to catch a football commentary from a local BBC station somewhere in the Midlands and instead ended up with a strong signal from Radio Moscow broadcasting in English…I was instantly hooked on the excitement of listening to something that maybe I wasn't meant to hear.

During the next few weeks I managed to locate Radio Tirana, Albania (the most boring broadcaster on the dial at the time), Deutschland Funk in Cologne, Radio Berlin International, the Voice of America via relay transmitters in Europe, Radio Sweden, Radio Finland and several others.

It was several years though until I could afford my first short-wave receiver and then the world was truly opened up to me with stations from every part of the world. Although these were exciting and exotic they were all services that I was meant to listen to, and the aerials were deliberately aimed towards Europe. Of course now, with the internet, if I want to, I can listen to a small local station from anywhere in the world without having to worry about atmospheric conditions and the sunspot cycle or where the day/night terminator is.

Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?

A: It went down the road and turned into a field!

My poems have been published in magazines for twenty years now. During this period I reckon about five hundred of them have appeared in print or online. There's no money, fame or glory in it for me though; I've only earned about £700 in total from a bursary and doing occasional writers' workshops. It's creative and a form of expression that keeps me in touch with the rest of the world (a bit like blogging) and a cheap hobby.

Two families in southern Egypt that captured and forcefully shaved each others' leaders earlier in the year have agreed to end their dispute, the Al Ahram daily reported on Friday.
Over 7,000 citizens of Mahrusa, a town in the Qena province near Luxor, gathered on Thursday to witness the heads of the Al-Arab and Fallaheen families sign a final reconciliation pact.
Back in July the families abducted each others' leaders and shaved off their moustaches, beards, hair and eyebrows. In the region, a man's mustache represents his honor.
The dispute escalated into a series of violent clashes in which the families fought each other with sticks and clubs.
Fearing that the situation could further deteriorate, police and local authorities intervened, calling on the sides to resolve their conflict.

Little Johnny was walking along the railway tracks when
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the sleepers.
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to
free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror
he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of
these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to
see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's
horn blared.
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free
and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got
up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks
anyway God, I got it myself."

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while
her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.
"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that this
would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of
it!"

On Sunday morning I was reading an online article about environmental lobbyists. The gist of the argument was that many middle class people claim to be living a green lifestyle, when in truth all they do is talk about it a lot and make poorer people feel guilty about consuming what few resources they actually do.

I don't feel the least bit guilty about my lifestyle. I did an online assessment of my carbon footprint and it comes out at about a third of the average size. When these green activists rant on about that we all should reduce our consumption it's a lot easier for some people than it is for others. What do they suggest I cut back on? I haven't had a holiday in seven years, last year I travelled no further than twelve miles from my home, I don't drive, don't have a mobile phone, and only have two small electric fires to keep my house warm.

Later on I came across an article about intensive rearing of animals and how it's cruel to chickens, and so we should all be eating free-range chickens and eggs; they only cost twice as much to buy! Or maybe we should just all become vegetarians. Well I've news for the author, many of us can barely afford to eat healthily as it is at the moment; I'm fortunate, I live in the town centre and have easy access to supermarkets - but many people stuck in pit villages or council estates either have to rely on local shops which are shockingly expensive, or travel into town on the bus. Yet again it's so expensive…£4 here in South Yorkshire, which is a large proportion of a person's weekly budget (possibly as low as £20 per week once basic bills have been paid especially if you need to shop two or three times a week…and this is with current food prices.

Many members of the illiberal, liberal elite that is the ruling class in this country just don't have a bleeding clue…

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals,
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's
only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all night.

It can be such small, insignificant things that make me smile; this certainly did the first time I saw it.

On Doncaster Fish Market when one of the traders is absent there's always a sign placed on the empty stall which reads 'Gone Fishing.'

I'm a poet, and so it's natural that I should be interested in language; its uses and abuses, strengths and weaknesses.

Here are two statements:

A: Ten years ago I moved from Thurnscoe, a large village seven miles from Doncaster, to live in the town centre.

B: Ten years ago I moved from Thurnscoe, a large village seven miles from Barnsley, to live in Doncaster town centre.

Both these statements are true. Thurnscoe lies half way between Barnsley and Doncaster, and is about seven miles from each town; yet the first statement implies that Thurnscoe is nearer to Doncaster and probably more closely connected to the town than it actually is. If you knew that another large village situated an equal distance from Doncaster had four buses an hour into town you might assume that Thurnscoe had the same…but you'd be wrong; until recently it only had one bus an hour. For a trial period it now has two.

Therefore if I wanted to stress the geographical isolation of Thurnscoe and its poor transport links in a funding bid [for example] I'd use a sentence based on statement 'B' in preference to one based on statement 'A'.

Two more statements to illustrate the point:

C: From Thurnscoe it's possible to travel on public transport to Leeds, Wakefield, Rotherham, Sheffield, Doncaster and Barnsley.

D: Apart from the recent improvement in the bus service between Barnsley and Doncaster, if you want to travel on public transport to any of the neighbouring towns or cities from Thurnscoe, there is only one bus or train an hour.

Yet again, both statements are true; yet the difference between the level of public transport provision portrayed by the two statements is even more stark. In statement 'C' Thurnscoe appears to be centrally situated in the West Riding with easy access to nearby major towns and cities; statement 'D' tells it as it truly is.

When I was doing my voluntary work and drafting quite a few funding bids I'd use techniques such as these examples and had a lot of success; raising about £350,000 either as part of a team, or on my own. This is what I was meant to do; using my linguistic skills to persuade people for a cause…I really enjoyed it; I got a really powerful rush out of the whole process, and was very successful.

Unfortunately I can't use these skills to promote myself and get a job because the passion's not there, and to be honest, no matter how much I'm able to manipulate words, I'm still a forty five year man who has no employment history. Anyone reading my letter or application form is probably likely to think that I'm doing a good job in covering up a shady past. This, of course, isn't the case; but they're not going to know that.

"Dad, will you help me with my homework?"
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."

It was only a matter of time. They are selling cheap mince pies now that Christmas is over. Three packets of six for £1 from Heron Foods. They taste just as nice in January as they did at the end of December.

Bristol Rovers - River rot slobs
Carlisle United - Ritual declines
Cheltenham - The calm hen
Darlington FC -Farting 'n cold
Exeter City Football Club - Bully or toxic beef cattle
Halifax Town - Fix what loan?
Hartlepool - Polar hotel
Hull City Football Club - Full tallyho cubic bolt
Kidderminster - Timed drinkers
Leyton Orient - Entirety loon
Lincoln City FC - Noncyclic lift
Luton Town - Not low nut
Macclesfield Town - Damn wife collects
Mansfield - Damn flies
Oxford United - An odd fixture
Plymouth Argyle - Really got humpy
Rochdale Football - The drab fool local
Rushden & Diamonds - So mad, and in hundreds
Scunthorpe United - Hedonist puncture
Shrewsbury Town - Snowy brew hurts
Southend - Hot nudes
Swansea - A new ass
Torquay United - Tiny rude quota
York City - Yo!, tricky

When I lived at Thurnscoe I'd regularly go to the theatres in Leeds and Sheffield; I could afford it and the trains were regular. Over the years I watched some really good plays, well scripted and acted. Only once did I see a really famous actor though, and that was Steven Berkoff; who was absolutely amazing in a monologue. A few times soapstars were trying to prove that they were real actors. The results were patchy.

Only twice did I not stay to the end of a production and left during the interval; once when I was watching an adaptation of a Russian play and the three female characters all had similar sounding names beginning with an 'N'. I was confused, and so were the actors. The other time was a Ben Elton play that was neither funny nor clever.

These days, I'm living in Doncaster and go to the local cinema in town a few times a year with my brother; always on a Tuesday, because it's cheaper.

The aborted sneeze:
adenoidance, eruptus interruptus, nosedud, noblow

The anxiety that is felt each year on first hearing Christmas music in the shopping centre:
hohophobia, Handel's Nausiah, jingle blahs, Santa Affective Disorder (SAD)

The thinning ponytail that some balding baby boomer men wear:
dork-handle, ratlet, oldielocks and phoneytail

The person who tries to get on TV by jumping up and down behind a news reporter:
hameo, jerk-on-the-box, parasight, tele-bitionist, teletwirp, vidiot

Someone who engages in the obnoxious use of cellphones in public places:
Motorola-mouth

The long, cold, dark span between New Year's Day and Good Friday:
Foreveuary

Someone who wants to be able to cook but can't get anything right:
gournot, cordon-blah, meal mangler, no-pan doo, water-burner

The full body twitch that snaps a person out of sleep just as he or she is drifting off:
napsnap, pajamawhamma, sack-whack, shake 'n' wake, snoregasm

Having lines on one's face made by pillows and sheets:
sheetfaced, Rip Van Wrinkle, drool gutter

There's a commentator writing in the online edition of the Daily Telegraph this morning about making voting easier, and possibly even lowering the voting age to sixteen.

Well, I certainly don't agree; I think voting should be made more difficult. There should be a local citizen's test, and if you don't pass, you don't vote.

I take a passing interest in politics, and the amount of ignorance I've come across has led me to this conclusion. Many people aren't aware of the different powers of local and national government, the policies of the different parties or which constituency they actually live in, and just don't think through the likely consequences of any policies they might be in favour of.

The nearest major town or city that I've not yet visited.

North: Middlesborough
South: Birmingham or Northampton
East: King's Lynn
West: Stoke-on-Trent or Liverpool

Other towns that are quite near:

Newark
Warrington
Widnes
Sunderland
Dronfield

When I lived at Thurnscoe, for many years I used to go hiking on the moors nearly every weekend with my brother and a couple of friends. At first we'd travel on the buses, but after a few years one of my friends bought a small car, a Mini, and we'd travel in that; although it would be a tight squeeze, with both myself and my brother being over six foot tall.

Initially, when reliant on the buses, we'd be restricted to the Fox House area and the Hope Valley: plenty of good hiking country though, on some of the highest and most rugged parts of the Peak District. Later on we'd explore nearly every valley in the White Peak area and large parts of the Black Peak, further north. If the weather forecast for the areas to the west was a bit unreliable but more promising in the east, we'd travel to the Yorkshire Wolds and go walking there, mainly around Thixendale.

Towards the end of this period of time we also did our two 24-hour sponsored walks on the North York Moors; the Lyke Wake Walk and the Shepherd's Round - both of them about forty miles in length.

I really enjoyed hiking and would like to take it up again, but my brother isn't too keen and I'm not going into any rough country on my own (and without a mobile phone.) Anyhow, the train/bus fares are too bloody expensive.

I've considered joining a couple of local hiking/walking clubs but their activities always seem to revolve around pub lunches, which makes an activity which should be quite cheap become rather expensive. I'm also worried about fitting in with any group I might want to join; I'm tired of always having to justify myself; I'm a forty five year old man, who, because of circumstances, has never had a job…I'm not a criminal, or some kind of freak.

I recently tried to open a webpage and it didn't load properly. All I saw on the screen was a simple blue and white background, some gibberish and the following phrase in bold text:

bad arguments, function implode

I was at least expecting a Doomsday countdown and a regular ticking noise.

A dog was admitted to a veterinary clinic in Austria at the weekend, barely able to stand on his own four paws and reeking "like a beer hall," a newspaper reported on Monday.

Dingo, a three-year-old labrador weighing 40 kilogrammes (88 pounds), was a pitiful sight when his owner, a hunter, brought him in to the surgery in the Salzkammergut region, the Oberoesterreichische Nachrichten quoted vet Karl Hofbauer as saying.
"The dog had dreadful wind and diarrhoea, and was vomiting a lot," Hofbauer said.
"When I got him up on the table, it smelt like a distillery."
Tests indicated that the dog had a blood alcohol content of 1.6 milligrams per 100 millilitres.
But that was not the result of Dingo having one drink too many, the owner insisted.
The hungry pooch had stolen and secretly devoured half a kilogramme of fresh yeast dough from the kitchen. Alcohol had formed inside his stomach as a result of the fermentation process, leaving poor old Dingo stone drunk.
"Nasty-minded people said that we hunters are often drunk. With me, it's my dog," joked the owner.

I recently bought some lupin and rudbeckia seeds; the rudbeckias are half hardy perennials and the lupins hardy perennials; and so both should thrive in my garden.

I've noticed that the price of seeds for perennial plants is significantly more than for annuals. I wonder why this is.

Newborn babies in Japan who can't make it around to visit all their relatives can now send them proxies instead - cuddly bags of rice.
A small rice shop in Fukuoka, southern Japan, has been swamped with orders for "Dakigokochi" rice-filled bags shaped like a bundled baby and printed with the new-born's face and name.
Each rice bag is tailor-made to weigh as much as the new-born and shaped so the rice fills the bag up. Holding the round-edged bag would feel like holding a real baby.
"Other rice shops sell bags printed with baby photos, but they use regular bags. People say they aren't good for holding," said Naruo Ono, owner of the rice shop, Yoshimiya.
"Rice for small babies would be stuck at the bottom of the bag, and the baby's photo would be scrunched at the top."
It is customary in Japan to give people gifts or money on occasions such as births, and the recipient then responds with other gifts, often worth half the amount they received.
The rice bags have made perfect "half-return" gifts, Ono said, although relatives face a dilemma once they are done with the cuddling.
"People say they have a hard time opening them up and eating the rice," Ono said.

This is actually a little piece of wordplay that I've written to look like a pseudo-mathematical formula; it is only true in Britain though.

D + X + Y = Cx

I don't know the exact figure for 'x', but it's infinitesimally low though.

I remember our science teacher at school flummoxing us all with this.

Any idea what it refers to?

Two men were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

A few months ago I found that I have totally misunderstood the meaning of the phrase 'The Chiltern Hundreds' for nearly thirty years.

When a British MP resigns his takes up the honorary post and title of the Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. I just assumed that the 'Chiltern Hundreds' is a range of hills; but that's not the case. The word 'hundred' has a specific meaning in the south of England; it refers to an ancient administrative region: larger than a parish, but smaller than a county, or shire. I think the northern equivalent is a 'wapentake' and the Welsh one a 'cantref.'

Confusingly though, there is a range of hills called the 'Chiltern Hills ' where the 'Chiltern Hundreds' are situated; and these hills are several hundred foot high.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had this terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't..!"

"Yes, I did."

"My! God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

'I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.' (from an Australian insurance claim form)

Eleven plus two = twelve plus one

A decimal point = I'm a dot in place

I'm fascinated by geography and maps and so go out of my way to visit specific geographic or historical locations.

Here's my list:

The furthest headwaters of the River Don

A short section of he watershed divide between the east and west coast river catchment areas - quite near to the headwaters of the Don. I could observe streams flowing in opposite directions.

The Greenwich (or Prime) Meridian at Louth and to the south of Cleethorpes.

The highest point in the Peak District (and the Midlands)

The highest point of the North York Moors

The highest point of the Yorkshire Wolds

The highest point in Germany

Lowestoft, the farthest easterly point of England (and the United Kingdom)

The farthest north town in England (Berwick-upon-Tweed)

The smallest city in Britain (St. David's)

The site of the Battle of Towton

The Major Oak in Sherwood Forest; which Robin Hood and his merry men supposedly used as a base.

The River Went at Brockadale where Robin Hood supposedly first met Little John

Hathersage churchyard in Derbyshire where Little John is supposedly buried.

The home of Captain Cook at Whitby

Although now no longer geographical because both teams are not playing at their original grounds, I've watched both the oldest football team in the world (Sheffield F.C.) and the second oldest (Hallam F.C)

For many years I lived in Thurnscoe, which is one of several claimants to being the largest village in England.

I've travelled across the Humber Bridge, which at one time was the longest single span suspension in the world - although it was no longer the record holder by the time I got around to catching the Hull bus which used the bridge.

I've visited York, the one-time capital of the known world, on many occasions. This is because the Roman Emperor, Constantine was crowned there, and the emperor could only be crowned at a location designated the capital city of the empire.

I've visited Gainsborough in Lincolnshire, which was once a temporary capital of England during the Anglo-Saxon period.

A computer programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the police.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he’d been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat

'Eboracum' is the Roman name for York. There's a Yorkshire saying 'Ee by gum!' which conveys a feeling of shock or surprise, which has a vaguely similar pronunciation and I've always wondered if 'Eboracum' is the etymological origin of the phrase. It probably isn't; but it would be interesting if it were.

Three clever men and one wise man are walking in the desert, when they find the bleached skeleton of a lion. The first clever man says, "I can rebuild the skeleton," and does so. The second clever man says, "I can rebuild the muscles and organs," and does so. The third clever man says, "I can breathe the spirit of life back into the body," and does so.
The wise man says, "Excuse me, but I am going to climb this tree."

It must be nearly twenty years ago now; I was the secretary of a community printshop based in the cellar of the old town hall at Bolton-on-Dearne. I opened a rather vaguely addressed letter which was seeking information about the numbers and locations of Anderson [bomb] shelters locally. Apparently the cellar was the headquarters of the civil defence unit during the war; but why were these letters still being sent out nearly fifty years later?

Here's a question about the internet I'm hoping someone might be able to answer.

On a few websites when I click to return to the previous page, it doesn't work…I just get a clicking sound and it looks like something is attempting to download. I'm just wondering why this is; is it a virus trying to install itself on my computer? - I've installed 'Avast!' anti-virus software and it's kept me safe for over a year now.

The backspace not working isn't a real problem; I just go into my browsing history and locate the previous page from there.

I should be going to visit a friend later today, but I'll have to cancel; I've got flu and feel awful - at least it's not the diarrhoea and vomiting virus, norovirus, that seems to be in the news.

At the moment I'm feeling ill enough though; I'm wheezing and coughing up a lot of phlegm; I can't keep warm although I'm running a fever; I've got a headache, my eyes are stinging, my chest hurts when I cough or even breathe and every muscle in my body aches. I've turned up the electric fire to maximum and am wearing four tee-shirts. I'm dosed up on aspirin, paracetamol and cough linctus; am drinking small amounts of water quite often, and am just waiting for my body to purge the virus. In the meantime I'll have a soak in the bath, with the water as hot as I can take it.

An Edwardian who won a bet to travel the world in an iron mask while pushing a pram may have been a fake.
Harry Bensley also had to find a wife while trekking 30,000 miles across 19 countries, reports the Daily Telegraph.

The woman had to agree to marry him without seeing his face or knowing his name.

And just to make things more interesting, he was allowed to take just £1 and one change of underwear and had to make money by selling postcards.

Harry Bensley accepted the wager with John Pierrepoint Morgan, the founder of JP Morgan Bank, and Lord Lonsdale, in 1908, for £21,000 - equivalent to £1.5m today.

However, on the 100th anniversary of his departure from Trafalgar Square his great-grandson fears that his ancestor may have told a fib or two.

Despite more than 20 years of research he has not found a shred of evidence his ancestor ever left Britain.
"It seems very odd that he leaves in a blaze of publicity and then there is nothing about him until he re-emerges six years later claiming to have travelled around the world," said Ken McNaught, 49, of Wakefield.
"I suspect that he disappeared for five years, probably to France, and came back at the outbreak of the First World War."

His ancestors now believe the journey was more likely a forfeit after Bensley, a well known chancer and playboy, lost his fortune in a game of cards with the two men.

This month is the fortieth anniversary of the invention of the computer mouse. I wasn't aware of its existence until the late 1980s though. I'm just wondering now what technology that's currently in development will I be using within the next few years.

I've always been quite late to take-up new technology - mainly because of the cost; and because I've spent most of my life unemployed I've not had the opportunity to be introduced to new technology at work.

The elasticated waistband in my underpants keeps rolling up; whatever pair I seem to be wearing. Does this mean that I need to buy some new pants, or go on a diet to try and lose a couple of inches around my waist?

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

As a pedestrian (I don't drive) I tend to agree with this line of thinking; the quicker a car is travelling, the less likely it is to be on the same piece of roadway as I am, at the same time.

A few days ago I posted an entry about wondering whether there's a right-handed or left-handed way of wearing a belt. Well, I've been thinking some more about handedness; I consider myself to be right-handed yet I wear my watch on the wrong [right] wrist...(isn't the English language wonderful? - it's right, yet it's still wrong!), tend to open doors with my left hand and always prefer to put my handkerchief and keys in my left pocket and loose change in my right - I suppose I don't want to be pulling change out of my pocket when I'm blowing my nose.

A 25-year-old woman was arrested for investigation of second-degree assault for getting into an argument with her boyfriend over whether his dog should be in the bathroom while the couple were taking a shower together.

A police report said the man, 26, wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected on Thursday night.

The woman told her boyfriend that if the dog doesn't stay out, she didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name.

The police report said the woman punched him in the face several times and the man dislocated his shoulder after the naked couple grappled. He told police his girlfriend threw a picture frame, which broke and cut him.

On occasions I've mentioned that I've got quite an old computer and there are some things it's not capable of doing. It's still a decent computer though; especially considering that it didn't cost me anything. It was given to me by a former colleague whose wife worked at a women's prison which was upgrading all its computer equipment and getting rid of all the old stuff - looking at the programs that were originally installed I should think that the computer was being used in a recording studio at the prison.

So what are the capabilities of my computer? Memory - 19GB, processor speed - 1.7mHz, operating system - Windows 98SE. All quite adequate.

What can't I do on my computer? I can't install Google Earth or Google Desktop, I can't watch video files from certain sites because I'm unable to install the DivX media player, I can't play DVD's or burn DVDs because I've only got a CD drive [I had to buy this, the computer only had its hard drive and floppy disc drive, it only cost me £10 though]

Since getting the computer I've bought a webcam and microphone, and a combined printer and scanner so that I can talk on MSN Messenger with my sister who lives in Adelaide in Australia and a old school friend who lives in Barnsley…and use the scanner to upload scans of all my published poetry to my poetry blog.

A US couple are celebrating after finding a rare purple pearl - in their seafood dinner.
George and Leslie Brock were eating steamed clams when they made the discovery in Lake Worth, Florida.
Halfway through the £5 dish at Dave's Last Resort and Raw Bar, Mr Brock bit down on something hard.
He and his wife were astonished to find a rare, iridescent purple pearl among the shellfish, reports Sky News.
Experts suggested the find could be worth thousands of pounds.
"Few are round and few are a lovely colour, so this is rare," gemmologist Antoinette Matlins told The Palm Beach Post.
"I think they have found something precious and lovely and valuable."
Purple pearls are most commonly found in large New England quahogs, clams known for violet colouring on the inside of their shells.
The Brocks' plate of clams came from Apalachicola in the Florida Panhandle, said restaurant manager Tom Gerry.

I'm 45 years old and possibly a couple of stones overweight, but otherwise I'm pretty healthy, and always have been. As a child I broke my left thigh when I was a toddler, trapped the fingers of my left hand in my sister's cycle a few years later and then needed major dental surgery at eighteen as a result of two crashes on my bike which knocked out my teeth…I was really relieved to discover it was only major dental surgery I needed because I was having shooting pains all the way down the left hand side of my body right to the tips of my fingers. I thought it was brain tumour and I was a gonner; but fortunately it was only an abscess that was strangling a major nerve in my neck. None of these injuries have had any lasting effect though.

So what minor health problems do I have? Well, every year from March until June I suffer from hayfever, but the symptoms are well managed by tablets [neoclarityn], I have a squint in my left eye (it always seems to be the left side of my body which causes me problems) which hasn't been a problem though until the last few years when I've been prescribed glasses, but tend not to wear them because they make me feel dizzy and nauseous.

I have a bit of eczema on my neck and shoulders which keeps flaring up, but betnovate ointment soon clears it up. My father suffers from carpal tunnel syndrome in his fingers and I think I might be showing the early stages of this; my mother has been recently diagnosed with coeliac disease and I'm convinced I too might have a mild form of it…the disease does run in families. I'm not keen to find out yet though since the process of being diagnosed is lengthily and quite unpleasant at times.

About a year ago I was having a lot of pain and weakness in my left knee and almost had an arthroscopic operation to clear out damaged cartilage, but it seemed to get better before the hospital appointment and hasn't really caused me any trouble since - it must have been an injury that took a while to heal.

Finally, there are my piles: they bleed, they itch, they burn and they're a nuisance. Most days they're okay though.

Overall, things could be a lot worse than they are.

"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said a teacher.
One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

For the first time in a few years I was awake to greet the New Year. I hadn't intended being awake; I went to bed at about ten o'clock but was woken up by the East Europeans who live next door going out into the street singing, letting off fireworks and counting down to midnight at the top of their voices.

Fortunately it seems I soon fell back asleep again.