Watson: "Holmes! What kind of rock is this?"
Holmes: "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."

A boat race was held between the BBC and a Japanese crew. Both sides practised long and hard and the Japanese won by a mile. So the Director General of the BBC did what any manager would do: he set up a working party to find out why. The working party reported that the Japanese had seven people rowing and one steering and that the BBC had seven people steering and one rowing. So, faced with a crisis of that magnitude he appointed management consultants. That’s the only thing you can do.

The management consultants, who cost a million pounds, reported and they confirmed the diagnosis of the working party but they suggested that the BBC crew be completely restructured: three assistant steering managers; three deputy steering managers; a director of steering services and the rower should be given an incentive to row harder.

They had another race and this time the Japanese won by two miles. So they laid off the rower for poor performance and they sold the boat and used it for a higher than average pay award for the director of steering services.

I blogged a few days ago about how I first got interested in listening to shortwave radio broadcasts. Well, I was a teenager at the time, and I often used to wonder about the two phrases 'overnight broadcasts' and 'nocturnal emissions' and their different meanings in English. Why don't they mean the same?

I was growing up in a pit village and there wasn't anything else to do with my time.

On my way home from the shops this morning I found a farthing. It was lying on the footpath next to a grassy area; it could well have been dislodged by the heavy rain we've had for the last few days. It dates from 1944 and is in surprisingly good condition.

I was born in 1962 and remember the pre-decimal coinage. I don't remember the farthing though, I think it was withdrawn from circulation a few years before decimalisation in 1971.

I do recall the halfpenny, penny, threepenny bit, silver sixpence, Shilling and two Shilling coins though; also the blue ten Shilling note.

I can also remember the changeover period, beginning when the headmaster of my junior school told us that we'd have to stop learning about Pounds, Shillings and Pence and start learning all about the decimal system instead.

The next thing I can recall is a series of TV adverts, conversion charts being displayed in shops and people complaning that all the prices were being rounded up and adding to the cost of living.

I hope we never have to join the Euro; I've had enough change for one lifetime.

[Of course, not only was our money changed in 1971, but two years later most of our counties were changed - and Yorkshire was destroyed...and yet the bureaucrats in Brussels, after all these years, are still trying to force metrication down our throats]

In early October 2007, a major research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Eurotium."

Eurotium (Eu) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called "morons" which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called "peons".

Since Eu has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Eu causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Eu has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Eurotium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes". This characteristic of moron promotion leads most scientists to believe that Eu is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

When catalysed with money, Eu becomes "Administratium" (Am) – an element that radiates just as much energy as Eu, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

For the last three times I've bought a two pint carton of milk the price has been increased by 2p, taking the price up from 70p to 76p. Six months ago I could buy a can of baked beans for 13p, now the cheapest is 20p. My electricity bills are going through the roof, and the cost of most of my food has increased disproportionately; yet we're informed by Her Majesty's Government that the rate of inflation is only 2%. It might only be 2% if you're wealthy, bearing in mind that the cost of your expensive consumer goods are coming down in price and you're able to employ even cheaper foreign labour, but if you're poor, the rate of inflation is more like 10%.

Gordon Brown, you don't fool me.

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me."

A computer repair shop got a call from a customer. She said that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the engineer concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at the shop with the power cord in her hand…

Here's something I've just realised.

I was in the town centre a few minutes ago and noticed the postman delivering his letters just after nine o'clock; as he does every morning. Then, for the first time, I realised that most shops don't actually have a letterbox and so the Royal Mail can't start delivering letters in the town centre until the shops open at nine o'clock. The service seems to be pretty prompt though with the rounds starting as soon as possible.

I then got around to thinking about people who live in the town centre in flats above shops and thought it would be inconvenient that they would have to wait for their post to be delivered; I then realised though, that although I live in a residential area only about a five minute walk from the town centre, my mail never arrives before 10:30 in the morning.

I know someone who will eat whilst sitting on the toilet. I couldn't do this, and haven't done it; I've never been that short of time.

A couple of years ago I was prescribed glasses by the optician because I have worsening vision in my left eye due to my squint. I hardly wear them though because when I do, I tend to feel dizzy and sick. I've got excellent vision in my right eye, my good eye, and so tend not to feel there's any major problem. I've been wearing them a bit more recently however, mainly because they keep my eyes warm and prevent them from watering in the cold weather...and protect my eyes from being poked out by umbrella tips.

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F
3. 'Spread Eagle' is an extinct bird. T F
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F
6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F
7. Semen is another word for 'sailor'. T F
8. Anus is the Latin word for 'yearly'. T F
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F
14. Fetus is a character on 'Gunsmoke'. T F
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F
16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir in church. T F
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. T F
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F
25. Douche is the Italian word for 'twelve'. T F
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

An idiot's guide has been produced for people who have forgotten how to catch a bus.
Stagecoach say they created the manual because people are now so reliant on cars.
The guide begins reassuringly with: "Using the bus could not be easier."
Passengers should "first of all decide on what bus you need" and once the right bus has been spotted, with the "number and destination on the front", one should then "signal for the driver to stop".
The guide continues: "Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.
"When you want to get off, press the bell once. For your safety we recommend you remain seated until the bus has arrived at the stop."
A spokesman for Stagecoach said research had shown many members of the public no longer knew how to use public transport.
Steven Stewart said: "If we look back 30 or 40 years, catching a bus was part of our daily routine from when we were children.
"Our guide is not designed to be patronising, it's just answering questions that cause fear and uncertainty when people are thinking of getting a bus."

Two men on a motorcycle grabbed a housewife, pulled out a machete and cut off the hair she had been growing for two decades, police in northeastern Brazil said Thursday.
The woman, whose name was not released, told police she was walking to church when she was assaulted late Tuesday, police officer Antonio Williams da Silva said by telephone from the northeastern city of Aracaju.
"She was an evangelical and said she hadn't cut her hair for 20 years," da Silva said. "It must have been nearly a meter and half (more than four feet) long."
The robbers cut the woman's hair above her shoulders, he said, apparently with the idea of selling it to be fashioned into a wig.
"A hairpiece that size could cost you as much as $555," da Silva said.
The woman filed a complaint with police and said she had received anonymous threats. She was not injured, but her assailants could be charged with battery if caught.
Da Silva said it was the second recent case of hair robbery in Aracaju.
Similar attacks have occurred in other Brazilian cities, where the demand for human hair is high.

There's a live football match on the TV this lunchtime; Mansfield Town versus Middlesborough in the fourth round of the FA Cup.

As a Yorkshireman I'll be supporting Middlesborough, because Middlesborough is in Yorkshire.

As an Englishman I'll be supporting Mansfield Town because the team plays in a lower league.

As a Doncastrian I'll also be supporting Mansfield because it's nearer to Doncaster and I've visited the town - I've never been to Middlesborough.

So, unless the score is a boring 0-0 draw I'll be happy with the result, whichever team wins.

How would you feel and what would do you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add any more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the truck
FLOPPY DISC: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
RAM: That thing that splits the firewood
HARD DRIVE: Getting home during the winter
PROMPT: What the Royal Mail isn't during the winter
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
BYTE: What those damn flies do
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields
LAP TOP: Where the cat sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys for the tractor
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

If you're in a long-term relationship that's gone stale, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed….then, go and have sex with someone else

An MP has very nearly talked himself into supporting today's "Perverts Wear Purple" day - by accident.

Exactly what is a fetish...?!?
And it could hardly have happened to a less likely politician: Ronnie Campbell, one of the most down-to-earth and decent men in the Commons.
The 64-year-old former miner and Labour Member of Parliament for Blyth Valley was approached and asked to wear something purple to support National Fetish Day. He said he would wear a purple shirt.
Unfortunately, no one had told Ronnie what the word "fetish" means.

He thought it meant "worry", rather than indulging in kinky/unusual sexual activities, often involving rubber, bondage, sado-masochism and the rest (assuming there's more!).
When local newspaper explained this to poor Ronnie, he said he thought the word meant: "Worry, like worrying about backing the wrong horse."

Mr Campbell had 'a fetish for horses'
"Oh my God Almighty, my God, is that what a fetish is?" the astonished and no doubt highly-embarrassed MP exclaimed.
Before being told what the word means, Mr Campbell was asked if he had any fetishes.
Thinking it meant worries or concerns, he said: "I must have a thousand but, hand on heart, I couldn't tell which is the most important one. Probably the horses."

I've just been chipping away a build-up of ice in my freezer and got around to thinking about the following three facts:

1…In the UK you need to attend a burns unit at the hospital if you are suffering from frostbite.

2…Hearing tests are done on the premises of opticians.

3…Keys are cut by cobblers.

What do these observations mean about the times and society we are living in?

A butcher saw a lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him, "Andrew, what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?
The lawyer replied, "Why? Of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it!"
The butcher then said, "If that's so, now you owe me $15 because it's your dog."
The lawyer responded, "Very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here."

In the next street there's a house where an elderly and dignified cat lives. Almost every time I pass the house the cat is contentedly asleep or sitting in the windowsill watching the world go by.

This morning the cat wasn't in its usual place and the window was cracked where someone must have thrown a stone at it.

I can't make my mind up about whoever did this; is he cruel, or is he just stupid?

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a confectionery bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mum bought each one of them a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" asked Billy.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

I've just been to see 'Aliens vs Predators: Requiem' at the cinema - it's cheaper on a Tuesday. I normally go to the pictures with my brother but he's been sent on a training scheme at Barnsley by the local jobcentre. For the next three months yet again he'll have to persuade the organisers that he's stupid by pretending that he doesn't know how to write a letter, produce a CV, fill in an application form, or use the internet. At least he'll get a free bus pass for the duration though.

I was a bit reluctant to go to the cinema because I thought my coughing might annoy people; but it didn't, there weren't that many people there, and most of them were also coughing.

And the film? Nothing special, but entertaining enough, and the effects were quite gory at times.

Officials from a town in Australia's tropical north Queensland region suggested that local golfers could try practising their drives on cane toads - an introduced species that has become a notorious pest. Animal rights defenders were not amused.

Most Saturday evenings I spend at a friend's house watching a film or two; secondhand videos bought on the market, cheap DVDs with up to 4 films on each double disk, or online downloads.

This week we found a high quality version of 'Ocean's 13' on one of our regular download sites. I thought the film was alright, very slick and quite entertaining, although the ending was a bit disappointing.

As I often do, the following day I looked at the reviews and synopsis of the film on Wikipedia or the Internet Movie Database. Well; the synopsis on Wikipedia differed in two major areas, so either the contributor to Wikipedia has misunderstood parts of the film, or I have. It's probably me though, I frequently misunderstand films, getting the plotlines and characters muddled up…maybe this makes watching films, even rubbish films, more interesting for me…I don't know.

A man shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The man replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

What a miserable start to the week:
heavy, persistent rain,
deep puddles in the town centre,
it's so dark, it's barely daylight,

and

three of the shops I needed to visit were late at opening.

The famous philosopher, Descartes, walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I don't think so" and disappears.

A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can barely even see my cup of coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which many nodded weakly.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another continued.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," commented yet another lady, and again they all nodded in agreement.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well it could be worse," said one old woman with resolute cheerfulness.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

I listen to quite a bit of internet radio, not as much as I used to because I've found other things to do online now. I started off by listening to the external services of the broadcasters I was familiar with on short-wave, but then found a portal site called 'Public Radio Fan' with links to many public broadcasters around the world. These streams are the domestic services and are completely different to their countries' relevant external services.

I first started listening to foreign radio stations as a teenager when I was trying to catch a football commentary from a local BBC station somewhere in the Midlands and instead ended up with a strong signal from Radio Moscow broadcasting in English…I was instantly hooked on the excitement of listening to something that maybe I wasn't meant to hear.

During the next few weeks I managed to locate Radio Tirana, Albania (the most boring broadcaster on the dial at the time), Deutschland Funk in Cologne, Radio Berlin International, the Voice of America via relay transmitters in Europe, Radio Sweden, Radio Finland and several others.

It was several years though until I could afford my first short-wave receiver and then the world was truly opened up to me with stations from every part of the world. Although these were exciting and exotic they were all services that I was meant to listen to, and the aerials were deliberately aimed towards Europe. Of course now, with the internet, if I want to, I can listen to a small local station from anywhere in the world without having to worry about atmospheric conditions and the sunspot cycle or where the day/night terminator is.

Contemplating a New Year tattoo in that fashionable area above the buttocks? To help you along, Australians have given them a not-so-fashionable name: "arse antlers." Want a suntan as well? You could have "tanorexia."
These are just some of the words the country's biggest online dictionary is asking people to vote for as word of the year for its latest annual update.
A "butt bra" raises the profile of the buttocks to go with your arse antlers, while "manscaping" refers to removal of body hair for men, sometimes tied to the female preoccupation with the "lady garden," or pubic zone.
"Tanorexia" refers to an obsession with a suntan, while a "salad dodger" is an obese person.
Other nominations for the Macquarie Dictionary Online include "infomania," for those who constantly put aside the job at hand to concentrate on incoming email and text messages. "Password fatigue" is frustration from having too many passwords to recall.
Casting aside the personal, someone who spreads their clothes around the house, clean or otherwise, is said to be treating the room as a "floordrobe."

When the ant Cephalotes atratus is infected with a parasitic nematode, its normally black abdomen turns red, resembling the many red berries in the tropical forest canopy. According to researchers, this is a strategy concocted by nematodes to entice birds to eat the normally unpalatable ant and spread the parasite in their droppings.