Minimalist poet, minimalist lifestyle

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed rather long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could."

Today my computer was really slow at booting up; taking probably three times as long as it normally would. It's happened before; I'm just wondering why it does it.

Also; why are the icons in my system tray at the bottom of the screen never placed in the same order?

It looks like I've been given a Spanish five Euro Cent coin in my change instead of a penny. The five cent coin is actually worth more though, about three and a half pence I think…but I'm unable to spend it. I've put it in a drawer, next to a farthing that I found last month.

Today is 'Leap Day.'

This means two things:

1...Traditionally it's the only day a woman can propose to a man.

2...If you're paid a monthly salary, in effect you're working for nothing today.

One of my friends from school got a clerical job with the local council, and he went on strike for the day on February 29th, 1980 in protest.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Yesterday I was looking at an online survey of all the flora growing in Doncaster borough. Some of the plants have interesting common names.

Here are my favourites:

Fingered speedwell
Squirreltail fescue
Rat's-tail fescue
Bladderwort
Water Soldier
Field Woundwort
Wild service
London rocket
Night-flowering catchfly
Shepherd's needle
Dwarf elder
Monk's rhubarb
Greater yellowrattle

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.

Lou Holtz - American football coach

For the last twenty four hours I've been losing access to my emails for several hours at a time until the service is temporarily restored. Strangely, I can still sign in to MSN Messenger and receive notification of emails, but sometimes I access the Hotmail site.

It seems like I'm not the only person encounting this problem; I blogged about a similar loss of service a couple of years ago, and several blog visitors have read that entry...it won't be any help to them though.

I normally have about twenty or thirty daffodils in bloom, but this spring it looks like I'll only have four. I don't know why: maybe the bulbs are too old - I planted them five years ago.

I'm hoping for a good display of bluebells though; they seem to be appearing all over the garden - it will be a few weeks before they flower.

Well, yes it did! There was a 5.3 magnitude earthquake about forty miles away in Lincolnshire at one o'clock this morning, but I didn't feel a thing - I was fast asleep.

According to news reports there was quite a bit of damage in Gainsborough (about 15 miles away) and a child has been injured in Wombwell, near Barnsley (ten miles away.)

Although I didn't feel this one; I have felt two previous earthquakes, both smaller and further away; but I was awake - sitting on the bed and watching TV.

It's been a beautiful mild sunny day and so I took the opportunity to go for one of my favourite local walks; from Hickleton, along the top of Barnburgh Crags, Melton Plantation and then across the fields to Sprotborough.

The views on a clear day along this route are extensive and I took along my binoculars. The strong winds spoilt things though; I couldn't hold then steady. Without using the binoculars I could see the high-rise flats at Sheffield (15 miles), Barnsley Town Hall (9 miles), and Doncaster town centre (6 miles). I also saw Ferrybridge, Eggborough and Drax power stations (all about 12 miles away to the north), and the Trent Valley Power stations (25 miles to the south east); counting Drax 'A' and 'B' separately and including the de-commissioned Thorpe Marsh it's possible to see seven major power stations (as I did earlier today) which between them probably produce a third of the country's electricity supply. Using the binoculars I managed to locate the wind farm at Penistone (15 miles) and the highest hills of the Pennines a few miles further away. I was once told that with exceptionally good eyesight and perfect viewing conditions, it is possible to see both York Minster and Lincoln Cathedral from along this walk - though not from the same place, or at the same time (due to the position of the sun.)
I haven't seen either.

It will probably be the final time that I'm able to follow this route across unspoilt countryside, since construction is soon due to begin on a wind farm in a field right next to the crags.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been 'withdrawn' from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

I've just seen an official 'International Rescue Corps' motorbike parked in town. I don't know why it's there, but it is quite impressive...but it's not the real thing. It's not Thunderbird 2.

I mention Thunderbird 2 because when I was a child I had a quite large plastic model of Thunderbird 2 and my younger brother had a model of Thunderbird 1. I think he preferred the speed of Thunderbird 1 whereas I liked the flexibilty provided by the pods of Thunderbird 2.

Brains was my favourite character, closely followed by Lady Penelope and Parker...I think the Tracey brothers are rather one dimensional and insipid.

My favourite scene? When a logging road is being cut through the Amazon rainforest with an atomic-powered automatic forest clearing and roadlaying machine that's about half a mile long; when the driver notices a range of mountains in the distance his solution to the problem is to nuke them out of the way.

Great fun, and totally politically incorrect; but that's probably one of the main reasons why I like this TV series.

Two wishes:

1...I wish my cash/debit card had an arrow on it so I'd know which way to insert it into the machine.

2...I wish the noise that the cash dispenser makes to prompt you to extract your card or withdraw your cash wasn't identical to the sound of the reversing beeper of a Securicor van. This still startles me on occasions as I'm walking by the bank.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. "

Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five asterisks.

A worker asks his boss for a pay rise:

"If you don't give me a £50 a week pay rise I'll tell everyone you gave me £100."

Does he get the rise?

A home owner is being threatened with legal action after a woman claimed she trapped her hand in his letterbox while delivering unwanted junk mail.
Joy Goodman, a cake decorator, is seeking damages for personal injury and loss of earnings, claiming the top of her right index finger was severed when she delivered the mail. She claims she needs compensation because she is now unable to carry out her intricate job.

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

Victor Hugo

I'm comfortably in the middle of the age range; forty five, nearly forty six.

They may not leap off the shelves into the best-seller category, but the books shortlisted for the oddest book title prize certainly grab the attention.
"I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" recounts the tale of a fictional U.S. World War Two fighter pilot who is captured by jungle pygmies led by a sadistic woman.
Its sequel, which is not on the shortlist released by trade publication The Bookseller (www.thebookseller.com) on Friday, needs no explanation: "Go Ahead, Woman, Do Your Worst."
"How to Write a How to Write Book" and "Cheese Problems Solved" are likewise self-explanatory as is the equally eclectic niche tome "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood" that strives to put the English east coast resort on the map.
While none of the above may challenge the sensibilities too much, others are likely to prove more divisive. Try "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" or "Are Women Human? And other International Dialogues."

I've just been speaking on the phone with my mum and we were both a bit concerned to hear a telephone ringtone on the line. She said she could also hear a clicking noise and some buzzing, although I couldn't.

What's going on?

I recently received this email which included a link with the word 'infecter' in the address…of course I didn't open it.

Ever since you left my WereWolf army, my life has been incomplete. Please follow this link to rejoin my army and help me rid Facebook of pesky humans.

It must some sort of virus; but why bother sending it?

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable
for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects.
Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

A couple of hours ago I was adding a tin of minced beef to a pot of stew when I cut my thumb whilst opening the tin. Quite a bit of blood ended up in the tin, the entire contents of which I then scooped into the pan.

It's all protein.

Sheffield is the most boredom-inducing city in the entire world, according to the search engine Google.
The phrase 'I am bored' forms a higher proportion of searches in Sheffield than anywhere else on earth.

The revelation is shown on Google Trends, a database which records what people from specific areas are typing into the search engine.

A hotline for people in Manchester to offer suggestions on how the council should spend its £468m budget received just one phone call.
The city council also received six letters and 21 emails in the month-long exercise, reports the BBC.
Thousands of leaflets were sent out to residents with a phone number, e-mail and postal address.
Council bosses admitted disappointment at the response but said it was still an important consultation.
About 2,000 copies of a leaflet with contact information were printed and sent to community centres and libraries between Christmas and New Year.
It was also reproduced in Manchester People, the town hall newspaper delivered to 200,000 households in the city. The consultation finished on 31 January.
Councillor Bernard Priest, Manchester City Council's executive member for finance, denied the consultation was a waste of time.
He said: "It is always disappointing if there is a limited response to this type of consultation, but it's really important to give taxpayers a chance to let us know their views on how their money is spen

I've just used the plunger on the sink, and for about a minute there was a noise that sounded like a trumpeting elephant coming from the kitchen.

It wasn't a serious blockage; when that happens it's not a problem though- I just pour boiling water from the kettle down the plughole. It works every time.

A man named Martin was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up
with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What can I do for you?" Martin politely asked. "You selling something?"

"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?"

"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the
United States."

"You're wasting your time here." Martin replied, "I have no idea."

There's an old Cold War joke about a drunken diplomatic party in some Third World country. The British ambassador is challenged to a race by his Soviet counterpart, which he then wins. Pravda reported the events thus: 'In a race between ambassadors yesterday, the Soviet ambassador came second, while the British ambassador was second from last.'

It's really frosty this morning - the coldest day of the winter so far. I had walked a few yards down the street and decided that for the first time this winter I needed to wear gloves; I reached in my coat pocket for my pair of black woollen gloves...but they weren't there; instead I found a pair of black wooly socks.

I haven't a clue how they got there - I do know that I haven't worn a pair of gloves on my feet by mistake yet though.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

I've just been to sign on at the jobcentre and asked for more information about a job I was interested in. I was told they didn't have any more details because it was advertised through an employment agency. So, I asked the first question that came to mind; "Do you think it might be a good idea if I actually signed on at this agency?"

At first the clerk thought I was asking about 'registering' with the agency...when he finally realised what I'd actually said he just hurriedly pushed the paper in front of me to sign on.

End of interview.

I've been reading on the BBC News website that it's the tenth anniversary of the Angel of the North. I've never seen it; I tried to catch a glimpse of it when I went on the train to Newcastle, but couldn't spot it.

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

It's been reported in the news today that the government is considering abolishing the oral test part of school language examinations because it's too stressful. Well, I thought that was the whole point of exams; to test both your knowledge of the subject, and how well you cope under stressful conditions.

I passed German, French and Spanish at 'O' level. I can't remember much about my French and Spanish exams, but I certainly remember my German oral assessment. It was done by an external assessor at the time [even more stressful] and the main part of the session was my having to describe a picture which he selected at random. I was presented with a picture of a building site and didn't have a clue what the German words for 'bulldozer', 'cement mixer', 'crane' and 'scaffolding' were…I hadn't been taught them.

I obviously didn't do very well, but still passed the overall exam. To this day though I am resentful and feel that I was treated unfairly.

1. A bird in the house is a sign of a death
2. A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it.
3. Never take a broom along when you move. Throw it out and buy a new one.
4. If the first butterfly you see in the year is white, you will have good luck all year.
5. If a black cat walks towards you, it brings good fortune, but if it walks away, it takes the good luck with it.
6. An acorn at the window will keep lightning out
7. A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is a bad omen.
8. It’s bad luck to leave a house through a different door than the one used to come into it.
9. A horseshoe hung in the bedroom will keep nightmares away.
10. If you catch a falling leaf on the first day of autumn you will not catch a cold all winter.
11. If a mirror in the house falls and breaks by itself, someone in the house will die soon.
12. Dropping an umbrella on the floor means that there will be a murder in the house.
13. All windows should be opened at the moment of death so that the soul can leave.
14. If the groom drops the wedding band during the ceremony, the marriage is doomed.
15. To dream of a lizard is a sign that you have a secret enemy.
16. If a friend gives you a knife, you should give him a coin, or your friendship will soon be broken.
17. You should never start a trip on Friday or you will meet misfortune.
18. Dream of running: a sign of a big change in your life.
19. If a clock which has not been working suddenly chimes, there will be a death in the family.
20. It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same match.

This is something I've been thinking about for many years, but haven't blogged about before.

Why do domestic satellite dishes all point towards the horizon, yet telecommunication dishes point skyward?

It's a subject for me to research online later whem I'm bored.

The other day I had to replace the batteries in my portable radio that I use in the bathroom. I can't remember the music slowing down as the power ran out though.

Translators do it bilingually.
Interpreters do it simultaneously.
Linguists do it with their tongues.

A reporter interviewing a 104–year-old woman asked:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?”
“No peer pressure,” she replied

A council is calling for a review of EU law after being forced to spend £60,000 to move four newts.
Cheshire County Council had to move the great crested newts from a school development site because they are endangered.
When four were found on land at Fallibroome High School, Macclesfield, they had to be trapped, moved and a new pond built for them.
Councillor Barrie Hardern called the £60,000 cost of the scheme before the school could build "ludicrous".
"I find it extraordinary that the law requires public money to be spent at such a ludicrous level," he told the BBC.
When the amphibians were found on the site where the school wanted to build new sports facilities and an extension a costly mitigation exercise had to be undertaken which meant a new habitat had to be built.
But Natural England, the government body charged with protecting the newts, said it was important to look after every colony no matter how small.
Spokesman Jim Foster said: "In Cheshire, where this development occurred for example, in the end of the 19th Century there were about 42,000 ponds.
"But over the last century we've lost about 25,000 of those ponds, so that's the real reason why these animals need protecting because of the loss of their habitat."

I was walking into town earlier this morning and as I passed the police station I counted eleven police motorcycles lined up. I then realised that this afternoon Rovers are playing Leeds and the town will be placed under lockdown; all the town centre pubs will be closed for several hours, streets blocked off and many shop windows shuttered...and mounted police and police CCTV surveillance vans will be deployed, all because of a football match.

Rovers won at Elland Road last year though and so the Leeds fans won't be happy.

Last night I was looking at the TV schedules and at 7:30 [peak viewing time] all four BBC TV channels were showing repeats.

Is this why the TV licence is compulsory?

The day the TV licence is abolished, no-one will be happier than me.

I've just got home and there was a pleasant surprise waiting for me on the doorstep - a 130g bag of Thornton's Continental Selection chocolates. I'd earlier completed a consumer survey and left it out for collection - the chocolates weren't really a surprise though, that's why I filled in the questionnaire, because I'd get the chocolates in return…I suppose the real surprise was that the chocolates hadn't been stolen - maybe they'd not been there for very long.

Well, my long-term cough isn't as bad as it was; but although I can go over an hour now without even a single cough, I can still have coughing spasms that last for several minutes which hurt my lungs and give me a headache.

I'm now suffering intermittently with a head cold, which is good in one sense because I'm able to cough up phlegm and blow my nose without my ears popping.

I suppose this is progress, as what was initially a severe bout of flu is finally expelled from my system.

I'm due to see the nurse next week.

Scientists say a 42-year-old Californian woman can remember almost every detail of her life.
The married woman, who they have dubbed Total Recall, says her life is like a "running movie that never stops".
She can picture where she was, what she did and what made the headlines on any date since 1976, reports The Sun.
The woman, known as AJ, was tested with random dates from her teens. She recalled big news events like Elvis Presley's death on August 16, 1977.
But she also knew minor news item dates like a local tax passed in 1978 and a plane crash in 1979.
Brain expert Professor James McGaugh tested AJ and a man with similar mind power called Brad Williams.
He calls the condition hyperthymestic syndrome and noted both of them had obsessive qualities which help reinforce memories.
Bizarrely they both keep TV guides going back years. And AJ kept a diary for 32 years.
But AJ's memory is not photographic. When asked to close her eyes she failed to remember researchers' clothes.
Prof McGaugh, of the University of California, said: "Her autobiographical memory, while incredible, is also selective."

Vicki, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Vicki confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

I've just seen a notice stuck to a shop window which reads 'Sorry, no bikes allowed.'

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

How should the year '2008' be pronounced?

Well, almost everyone says 'two thousand and eight', yet twice within the last week I've heard it pronounced as 'twenty o eight' on TV - by speakers for whom English isn't their mother tongue; possibly influenced by the convention in their own languages.

In a couple of years' time I should think the conventional usage in English will revert to what it was previously though and we'll start saying 'twenty ten.'

I've always thought that the reason that we say 'two thousand and eight' is because of the film '2001' which was pronounced as 'two thousand and one' to make it sound more futuristic.

A Polish man who pasted a notice on a bus stop asking vandals to stop vandalising it was arrested - for vandalism.
Janusz Nowak, 61, was arrested as he pasted the message on a pavement in the southern Polish town of Sosnowiec.
His notice read: "Dear Vandals - please stop destroying the bus-stop."
A police spokesman said: "Although the man had good intentions and wanted to express his indignation towards hooligans' behaviour in the neighbourhood he unfortunately broke the law himself."

For some strange reason this memory has just popped into my thoughts.

Years ago, when I was at college I was putting up a display with my tutor and we got around to discussing whether it was better to use more, or less, blu-tac when attaching quite heavy mounted photographs to the wall.

'The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum.' –Noam Chomsky, American linguist and U.S. media and foreign policy critic.

I've always been interested in what Chomsky has to say ever since I read the transcript of one of his TV interviews in which the answer to one of the questions was something like, 'I don't know, I'm not interested...I'm not bothered.'

I frequently don't agree with what he has to say, but he's always interesting and challenging.

Four engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
about who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It
must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers
and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer.
The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been
designed by an electrical engineer." Then the third one said, "No,
it must have been a chemical engineer. The nerve impulses all travel
through chemical release and chemical receptors.'' Finally, the fourth
one said, ``No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste water
line through a recreational area?"

I've just had to re-register my free personal edition of Avast! antivirus software. It should now be valid for the next fourteen months. It's done a good job in protecting my computer up till now.

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a binman," the man replies.
To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..."
"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks binmen only work on Tuesdays!"

A good pun is its own reword.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved.
So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

'God favours no group - only religions do that.'

Maybe the Archbishop of Canterbury should heed this advice, concerning his comments about shariah law in the UK.

This morning for breakfast I had beans on toast. I only needed half a tin of beans and so only half opened the tin with the tin opener, and struggled to pour the beans onto the plate [to go in the microwave.] Do you know what? I reckon it would have been quicker to entirely open the tin and eat all of the contents…but I wasn't feeling that hungry.

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

It take many nails to build cot, but one screw to fill it.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

I've just been watching a news report about banks recalling the credit cards of people who are prompt payers; presumably because the banks aren't making enough profit out of these customers. Well, I don't have a credit card [and I don't want or need one either] and so this policy won't affect me; however, last year the banks were involved in a court case concerning 'unfair bank charges' which could result in the end of free banking…so we'll all have to pay for making withdrawals from our accounts, or writing cheques so that people who exceed their overdraft limits aren't charged as much.

My one thought concerning both of these developments is; why penalise people who are prudent with their finances? It's so unfair, and sets a bad example.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

I watch quite a lot of films, online, on the TV, on video or DVD and even at the cinema a few times a year; I regularly, although not frequently, write about films on my blog or post comments on other people's blogs…I wouldn't claim to be an expert though; I just enjoy a story that will make me think; or just a bit of escapism.

So. at the moment of writing this I'm thinking about the first film I watched on various formats. Well, the first time I can remember going to the cinema was when our parents took us to see a Tarzan film at the cinema in a neighbouring village (South Kirkby) - I think the film was several years old at the time…it was in colour though; I'm not that old. The first film I saw on my own at the cinema (with a couple of friends actually) was 'Arthur' at the cinema in Mexborough, long since closed, and the first video I ever watched was 'Capricorn One' which seemed quite exciting at the time.

The Beatles were designed and sent to the U.S. by the British Psychological Warfare Division to undermine the morals of American teenagers.

Christ and his disciples were a magic mushroom sect.

The author Stephen King killed John Lennon.

The Second World War was staged. It never really happened.

The early Middle Ages (614-911) never occurred. We are actually living in the eighteenth century.

I really hope this is true - I don't have much respect for pontificating popstars.

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2,
Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.
While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet:
"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

I own several pairs of trousers, I'm not sure how many exactly though; but I've only got one belt and it's inconvenient having to remove the belt from one pair and then threading it onto another. So, I thought I'd buy another belt; well, when I found out that a belt costs just as much as a pair of trousers, I didn't bother.

Looks like another quirk of capitalism that I don't understand.

There is no anagram of the word 'anagram'

'Verb' is a noun.

ANTIBODY
against everyone

ARTERY
the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA
back door to a cafeteria

BANDAGES
The Rolling Stones

CAESAREAN SECTION
a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY
advanced study of poker playing

CAUTERIZE
made eye contact with her

COLIC
a sheep dog

COMA
a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL
friendly

CORTIZONE
the local courthouse

DILATE
to live longer

ENEMA
not a friend

ENTERITIS
a penchant for burglary

FIBRILLATE
to tell lies

GENES
blue denims

GENITAL
non-Jewish

GRIPPE
what you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL
a coathook

HERPES
what women do in the Ladies' Room

HORMONES
what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

IMPOTENT
distinguished, well known

INPATIENT
tired of waiting

LABOUR PAIN
hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF
a doctor's cane

MINOR OPERATION
somebody else's

MORBID
a higher offer

NITRATE
lower than day rate

ORGAN TRANSPLANT
what you do to your piano when you move

ORGANIC
church musician

OUTPATIENT
a person who has fainted

PARALYSE
two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL
a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST
person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PLASTER CAST
the drunken roadies backstage at a rock concert

POST-OPERATIVE
a letter carrier

PROTEIN
in favour of young people

RECOVERY ROOM
place to upholster furniture

RED BLOOD COUNT
Dracula

SALINE
where you go on your boyfriend's boat

SECRETION
hiding anything

SURGERY
a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply

TABLET
a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS
getting sick at the airport

TIBIA
country in North Africa

TUMOR
an extra pair

VARICOSE
very close

VEIN
conceited

It sounds like something a plumber might use, but it's actually a prescription I've just picked up from the chemist; it's for measuring my breathing capacity.

I went to see the nurse at the surgery this morning because I've had this annoying cough for five weeks now and really need to get it cleared up before the hayfever season starts.

She was very reassuring, but nonetheless still told that there is currently no treatment available and so I'll have to see her again in a fortnight's time and take my results with me.

Here's a short list of words and phrases which have been replaced since I was at school.

An Alsatian dog is now called a German shepherd. I think the term 'Alsatian' was only temporary and used because of the two world wars with Germany. However, the Second World War had ended nearly thirty years before I was at school.

A jungle is now a rainforest.

A queer is now a gay.

A Gypsey is now called a Roma or Romany.

A mongol now has Down's syndrome.

Black people in England first became coloured, and I think they now prefer to be called Afro-Caribbean.

New pence are now no longer described as new.

Cripples became handicapped, but are now disabled.

There are probably quite a few more examples; but this is just the list that I've thought of as I'm typing this post.

The UK government has recently announced plans to evict people from their homes who are unemployed and deemed to be not putting enough effort into their jobsearch activities if they are living in council houses [social housing.]

I've a question. If made homeless by the government, where are these people supposed to live? Some sort of hostel, or the workhouse maybe, or even in cardboard boxes? Well, they'll have to live somewhere, and this accommodation, whatever it is, will have to be built for possibly hundreds of thousands of people, at great expense - and ironically might even be of a superior standard to where tenants were previously housed, because some of these estates are dreadful places to live. Personally, I'm glad I'm living in private rented accommodation; although this can have its problems too, and I bet the government will soon be on my case, although like anyone else who is unemployed I have to prove already that I'm actively seeking work.

One aspect of the new policy I do agree with though, is the idea of siting jobcentres in the areas where people are unemployed; the council estates and pit/mill villages. Some of these communities can be very isolated and insular, and the idea that you're supposed to get into town to look for jobs several a week can be very expensive for people on low incomes. YOU DON'T GET A FREE BUS PASS IF YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED - although many people don't realise this fact.

I'm really angry about this. Why does the government think most people are unemployed? Yes, there are a few skivers, but the vast majority of people who find themselves unemployed are not to blame for their circumstances. Either there are no appropriate jobs where they are, or they are genuinely unemployable and it wouldn't be economically viable to train/re-train them because of their age or poor health.

I've just sent off a job application. It's for an office junior type of job with a transport company. Although I've never actually applied for a job with this company before, it's the same type of job I've been applying for for nearly thirty years without any success.

I'm not too optimistic about getting the job, or even an interview; to be honest I think they're looking for a school-leaver who they can train up.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

I've just been reading a report about proposed rule changes to rugby union in order to reduce the importance of penalties and drop goals and encourage the scoring of more tries. Well rugby isn't my favourite sport, I prefer football/soccer and cricket, but still enjoy watching the sport, although I don't fully understand the rules and tactics. However, the aspects of the game I enjoy the most are the drop goals and penalty kicks at goal; I find most tries just end up as an untidy pile of bodies on the try line.

Maybe my preference is because rugby union isn't my favourite sport, but if the sport's administrators are considering changing the rules, maybe they should bear in mind the views of people who only occasionally watch the game; otherwise it's not likely to become more popular with the general public.
The

This morning my brother started his workfare placement and for the next eleven weeks he'll be working at a charity shop in Barnsley. He'll be working thirty hours a week (plus two hours each day travelling on the bus) and he'll receive his benefits, plus £6 and a free bus pass - in effect he'll be working for £2 an hour, not much more than a third of minimum wage...yet some people genuinely think that all benefit claimants are skivers.

Of course he'll hate it; he doesn't like socialising with people - and what on Earth is he expected to know about women's clothing?

Three years ago I did my workfare placement, but at least I enjoyed what I was doing, and because I'm claiming housing benefit I ended up working for about £4 an hour - still significantly less than minimum wage.

And they claim that Labour is the compassionate party - what a fucking joke!

There was an old story about the early days of computer translation. The CIA was interested in translation programs because of the tremendous volume of information they had. There simply weren't enough transcribers with linguistic training to transcribe them. One of the major computer companies came in with a program that was supposed to translate from English to Russian and Russian to English and solve the problem. To test it, the representative of the company said, "Just speak into the microphone. On the screen you will see what you have said." So, thinking for a moment, the CIA guy went over and said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
The machine cranked and groaned and there in Cyrillic letters across the screen was some Russian. Well, he didn't speak any Russian so he didn't know whether it translated it accurately. "Can you make it translate back into English and we'll see whether it got it right?" he asked. So the guy went over to the keyboard, pushed a couple of keys and translated it back into English. Only it said, "The vodka's O.K. but the meat is spoiled."

I reckon that I have about ten people who visit my blog on an almost daily basis; they live in the UK, Canada, the US, Germany, Portugal, Australia and New Zealand - quite a geographical spread around the world. I probably have a similar number who visit every week or so; some of these people are based in Israel, India, Malaysia, Indonesia and the Philippines. Additionally I receive about a hundred daily visitors who just access one of my archived pages…the list of unusual jobs seems to be the most popular, followed by 'Funny French Phrases.'

"Father O'Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought
you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh good," the priest replied, "I was really getting tired of the
Chablis."

A British bus company has apologised to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.
Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the "pet" of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.
Pictures showed her dressed in black Gothic-style clothing with silver buckles on a silver chain -- which the driver of a bus from the firm Arriva took exception to.
She told the Daily Mail newspaper Wednesday she was thrown off and told: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."
Arriva would not comment on specifics but said it apologized if the couple felt they had been discriminated against. It added, however, that the driver was worried about safety and the company told Maltby to take the leash off in the future.
"We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety," a spokesman said. "Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead."
Maltby -- who lives on state benefits and got engaged in November -- said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.
"I am a pet," she told the Daily Mail. "I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone."

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbour. “I did everything all wrong again today,” she said.
“I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more than he did.”

I was in Jack Fulton's frozen food shop in town the other day and bought six ice creams for £1. The woman on the till charged me £1.25. I explained to her that they were six for a Pound; she then apologised saying that she thought I'd only bought five [at 25p each.] So, if I'd only wanted five, would she have really charged me £1.25?

QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.

A man turned up for an interview for an IT position who had absolutely no computer experience, but asked for a salary about twice what the average computer geek gets.
When he was asked why he should be paid that much, he replied that it was because the work was so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.

Here's some basic information about the James Burke TV series called 'Connections'.

Made in the mid 70’s. It explores the events surrounding the cascading failure that wiped out New York City’s power supply in the 60’s. It opens in New York at the World Trade Center. Co-incidentally, it shows that the power blackout could have caused commercial airliner to crash into Manhattan had the pilot not averted disaster. The flight number of the plane was 911.

A JOGGER was injured after being hit by a frozen Mars bar hurled from a passing car.

The man was running along Sunderland Road, South Shields, when the rock-hard chocolate bar was thrown at him.

Police said the car - a black Nissan or Toyota - then turned round, drove back past the shocked man, and its occupants threw another object at him before driving off.

The bizarre incident, which resulted in the man suffering a swollen ankle, happened at about 10.30am yesterday.

I've recently been looking at the photographs of Doncaster posted on the 'Geograph' website.

One of them shows the doors of an industrial lift/hoist at the railway station with a sign that reads 'Load limited to one loaded brute.'

Here's the link to the photo.